Zodi’s Blog

Extreme Advertising

As a personal public service in helping mostly private interest (please pay me?), I’ve decided to assist some major corporations (you can afford me) and institutions (you can’t) to rebrand their tattered images. I’ve brought my selfless nature (again, please pay me) my empathy, dedication, advertising experience, passion and cultural sensitivity to the table in an effort to get the economy and big business (you better fucking pay me) back on track.               

With a little help from my friends

Some of these companies’ images and reputations have taken a major blow (see Buick i.e.; Woods) over the last decade, many others have become outdated, and still more never had a clue to begin with. I believe that with it being a new decade and all the consumers want and expect bold honesty. So here are the rebranded, surgically enhanced faces of….             

Goldman Sachs – If you’re going to lose your life savings anyway, wouldn’t you rather lose it to the biggest and best?                    

General Motors – We will most likely get you from point A to point B. What more can you realistically expect?                    

Freddie Mac – Helping people to live way beyond their means since 1970! Or, as we like to call it ‘white-man rich.’                    

Fannie Mae – Who wouldn’t trust us with a name that evokes an image of a beaten, alcoholic, southern, trailer park girl? Or female genitalia in the UK? Really? Shit. We didn’t even know about that last bit. Ha, we said bit, get it? Cause they call…..never mind, just trust us!                   

Lehman Brothers – Leveraging risky investments bets on even riskier mortgage backed securities at a ratio of 35-1. And we think we found a ‘system’ to beat the roulette table of our business practices!                    

AIG – After losing 99.3 Billion, there’s nowhere to go but up! We hope.                    

Merrill Lynch – We lost 7.77 billion last year. Trip 7’s!! Luck is coming our way baby!!!!!!                    

Microsoft – Making Monopoly fun again!             

  

Just call me Pennybag Gates

Exxon – Be honest, if you caught that killer wave, you would have rode that bitch all the way to shore too. You can’t blame us for OPEC anyway…..so fuck off.                   

Home Depot – You can do it, we can help. You do have decent insurance right?                    

Bed Bath and Beyond – Come in for a bedspread, leave with a shell of your husband’s former self! Oh, and a bunch of other stuff you don’t need but will be glad you bought.                    

Nike – Tap anything with a pulse!                    

Bell South – Listening. Answering. Wiretapping.                    

Ford – Built for the road behind. Way behind. Aren’t you nostalgic at all? WTF?                    

UPS – What can brown do for you? We don’t mean those terrorists. Or heroin. Hmm…. What can a mixture of red and green, like a dark beige-ish-y color do for you?                    

Panera – A loaf of bread on every thigh!                          

Martha Stewart Living – Sharing ideas and insider information!            

                 

Fuji – The possibilities (of taking financial control of your economy) are endless!                  

Dell – Dude, why the fuck did you get a Dell? My crack dealer won’t even take it.          

Allstate – You’re in better hands with us than if you went with AIG!                  

Texas Instruments – Made in China!                    

*Wild Irish Rose – Not just for homeless alcoholics anymore!                  

Penthouse – Portable Masturbation Material in the Digital Age!                    

RNC (Sponsored by NASCAR, the NRA and The American Family Association) – We hate homosexuals, Muslims, minorities, illegals, liberals, commies, socialists, secularists, both coasts and elitists. Come join our big tent!                    

The Catholic Church – Finally putting little boys behind us! er….                    

Somalia Tourist Board – Have the adventure of a lifetime on the open seas!                    

Costa Rica Tourist Board – Still more monkeys than people. And really cheap blow!                   

Even the monkeys are on blow

Pittsburgh Pirates – Breaking records every season!            

Wal-Mart – You never know what you are going to find (or see) here!                      

St. Pete Florida Tourist Board – Come for the sunshine. Stay because you got addicted to crack!                   

Subway – We’ll help you look like Jared! Wait no, we mean that we’ll help you to lose weight!                    

NYCTA Subway System – Hey, we’re safer than that fucking Somalia! And yo, you might meet a Jersey Shore cast member. For realz!                     

You might meet her! Or you might die. Either way it'll be exiting!

*For Matt-Man

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January 21, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , ,

44 Comments »

  1. You hired!

    Comment by delicate flower | January 21, 2010 | Reply

    • I’ll start Monday if that’s ok? Great to see you again!

      Thanks DF!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 22, 2010 | Reply

  2. You sir are clearly nothing short of a marketing genius. Did they model that TV show Mad Men on your life and career?

    Comment by David | January 21, 2010 | Reply

    • Maybe me from a past life. Definitely not me now. I only wish I had come up with it myself. It is brilliant.

      Thanks David!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 22, 2010 | Reply

  3. love the Catholic Church line! my personal favorite
    and of course kudos on the homage to matty

    brilliant
    if only advertising was based on truth
    you’d be king

    Comment by dianne | January 21, 2010 | Reply

    • Actually Dianne, it is starting to go in that direction. Other than the biggest boys in the playground, they are all starting to advertise to small niche subsets of people, by using honesty. Not insulting honesty like I just had fun with, but honesty none the less.

      And aren’t I king anyway?

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 22, 2010 | Reply

      • you are absolutely KING
        Oy, what was I thinking 😉

        Comment by dianne | January 22, 2010 | Reply

  4. I didn’t know you did marketing. I used to click here every other day – now I will click everyday. I love marketers. We make the world go around.
    I thought your lines were a genius. It takes someone who is knowledgeable and connected to do that.

    Cool post

    Comment by Corve DaCosta | January 21, 2010 | Reply

    • I appreciate all the compliments Corve; we’ll have to stay in better touch. I’ll be over to your site sometime today. Glad you like my new campaigns! Lol.

      Thanks Corve!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 22, 2010 | Reply

  5. Wow, marketing genius!

    Comment by Reb | January 21, 2010 | Reply

    • Cool, genius comes with a sizable paycheck….right?

      Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 22, 2010 | Reply

  6. Haha! I picked up on the Wild Irish Rose.

    Good job Scott!

    Comment by candice | January 21, 2010 | Reply

    • You picked up some Wild Irish Rose? What time is the party?

      Thanks Candice!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 22, 2010 | Reply

  7. I liked the line for the catholic church best… followed by Texas Instruments….

    Comment by nursemyra | January 21, 2010 | Reply

    • They were two of my favorites as well.

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 22, 2010 | Reply

  8. Those were effing hilarious. Clearly you should set up your own ad agency in NYC. Or, Costa Rica. 😉

    Comment by Jay | January 22, 2010 | Reply

    • Yea, I’m thinking that Costa Rica is more suited to my current lifestyle! It’ll be the first major league agency sitting smack dab in the sand.

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 22, 2010 | Reply

  9. OMG Scott, I’m metaphorically dying over here. That is some seriously funny stuff.

    I love them all for different reasons, but I have to say that both UPS and St. Pete Florida had me choking on my LSD blotter paper…

    I bow to you, oh Marketing genius.

    Comment by bschooled | January 22, 2010 | Reply

    • As long as you don’t go all ‘literal’ on me. Speaking of which, make sure you don’t put that paper in your pocket if it’s wet. It’ll seep right through you clothes….

      Really, you gotta come see St. Pete. We lived on the beach which is nice, really nice, but if you drive 5 miles in any direction you will literally see ‘truth in advertising.’

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 22, 2010 | Reply

      • Ok, you twisted my rubber track-marked arm. I’m there!

        Comment by bschooled | January 22, 2010 | Reply

        • I can’t wait to meet up with you and your arm over there. I’ve got some great vitamin E lotion that should clear those tracks right up!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 22, 2010 | Reply

  10. Yep, nope I think you covered everyone 🙂

    Comment by frigginloon | January 22, 2010 | Reply

    • Nope not yet. My plan is to go Sherman Williams and ‘cover the earth’ with my branding.

      Thanks Frigginloon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 22, 2010 | Reply

  11. Funny stuff Scott. I fully expect you to get a call from Sterling Cooper in the near future.

    I agree with (and paraphase) the late Bill Hicks who said, “If you’re in sales or marketing, then do us all a favor and kill yourself now.”

    Comment by fundamentaljelly | January 22, 2010 | Reply

    • Damn FJ, that’s pretty harsh. You know I really am in advertising right? You want me to kill myself? Damn. Alright, but I don’t want it to be violent or painful. Wait, hell no! We’re not all bad people. I’m good!

      Thanks FJ!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 22, 2010 | Reply

      • Yes, you are a good guy Scott. Wait, you’re not in advertising, you’re retired and living in Europe, right?

        Comment by fundamentaljelly | January 22, 2010 | Reply

        • Actually FJ, after taking marketing at Pitt, I worked everything but….until moving here. I wish I had done it earlier though. It’s fun and can be lucrative. I’d honestly never want to work for one of the big boys. Probably never want to work for anybody else period. At least ‘freelance’ has freedom…

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 23, 2010 | Reply

  12. Costa Rica! My neice just got back from a week there and guess what I got? PICTURES AND PICTURES OF THOSE SAME LITTLE CUPUCHIAN MONKEYS. Okay . . . the beach was nice too, but the rest was very questionable wildlife, like huge spiders that could suck your brains out (small meal if they got me), and she had to hide her blonde hair or the locals would start humping anything in sight. Nice tan, though.

    Great ad lines! And everyone thought Jolt Cola was crazy!

    Comment by Dan McGinley | January 22, 2010 | Reply

    • Yea, Costa Rica has 4 different types of monkeys, as well as close to 80% of the world’s biodiversity. I’ve been to a ton of spots but this is my favorite by far. You’ll have to friend me on FB to see all the pics. I wrote two blogs about when I was there and came the closest I’ve ever come to death….

      https://zodiblog.wordpress.com/2009/06/11/from-rip-curl-to-rip-tide-to-r-i-p/
      https://zodiblog.wordpress.com/2009/06/12/rip-curl-to-rip-tide-to-r-i-p-part-ii/

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 23, 2010 | Reply

      • Holy Mother Scott! Dude . . . that was nuts, and you were one brave dude. It’s a nice shout out to the peeps there, that they followed you and understood the damn stakes. Holy shit. I found out years ago that people in places like that are more tuned to PEOPLE, like us, whereas in some places here, they would’ve been like, “What?” and not even cared or followed your dilemma.

        Man I’m glad you made it!

        Comment by Dan McGinley | January 24, 2010 | Reply

        • Oh yea, in America they’d be rooting for the sharks no doubt. It did give me a whole new respect for the big, bad-ass Pacific though.

          Thanks Dan!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 24, 2010 | Reply

  13. Damn you see things so clearly……your hired…zman sends

    Comment by steve | January 23, 2010 | Reply

    • Very cool, good to see you again Steve~

      Thanks Steve!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 23, 2010 | Reply

  14. Loooove Marketing. That was my emphasis in grad school. You are a freakin’ hoot!

    Comment by Another Desert Rat | January 24, 2010 | Reply

    • I love advertising and marketing as well. I got turned off years ago by the cell phone companies, and pyramid scemes that seemed to be the only ones hiring in the industry. Now though with the internet if you can eek out a freelance living it’s nothing but fun. I love learning and playing with the human mind.

      Thanks for stopping by, hope you keep coming!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 24, 2010 | Reply

  15. Hee Hee. On behalf of the fine folks who profuce Wild Irish Rose and those brave souls who drink it, I thank you. Funny as always Scott. And Snookie? What a hideous piece of humanity. Cheers!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | January 24, 2010 | Reply

    • On behalf of the entire advertising industry I welcome you. Do you think you could get them to pay me?

      I don’t think Snookie is so bad……just badly misunderstood.

      Thanks Matt-Man!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 25, 2010 | Reply

  16. I’ve always hated Nike, simply because of their vague slogan, but if it was retooled to reflect your approach, then I’d be like Mike and have 15,000 pairs.

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | January 25, 2010 | Reply

    • Yea, I’ve always wondered that myself. Just do what? Drink? Gamble? Get street people to wash my balls for a dollar…what? I hate ambiguity.

      Thanks Rooster!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 25, 2010 | Reply

  17. Bwahahaahhahaha!

    I heard Jared’s gaining LBS these days. Poor thing.

    And who the F is that Snookie chick? I heard today that she has proclaimed in the press that she will never work again, with a quote, “you heard it here first.” And that all those dispicable characters on Jersey shore are holding a united contract dispute. For reals?

    Comment by Candy | January 25, 2010 | Reply

    • Yea, I was worried about poor Jared. Dude has to learn to cook with some whole foods and mix in a freaking salad once in a while. If you eat everyday that is prepared by a minimum wage employee and handed to you within 2 minutes of ordering it……that may not be a long term solution.

      I’ll give those despicable Jersey Shore kids this though; they are highly entertaining to watch. And when you get Jon Stewart imitating you, you know you’ve hit big. Hahahahaha

      Thanks Candy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 26, 2010 | Reply

  18. Microsoft and monopoly is my favorite hahah

    Comment by Paul Wynn | January 26, 2010 | Reply

    • You can’t really blame the guy. He was smart enough to buy Boardwalk and Park Place, plus the utilities and the railroads…..you knew he was going to win.

      Thanks For stopping by Paul!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 26, 2010 | Reply


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