Zodi’s Blog

Gyrating Geriatrics

A recently published research study conducted by the National Social Life, Health, and Aging Project during 05 and 06 at the University of Chicago has found that senior citizens are having more sex than ever before. The findings show that males between the ages of 57 and 85 are slightly more likely to play hide the cane than women in the same age group, proving again that all women, even old women lie about sex. And probably fake orgasms as well.  

  

With the money shot of Viagra, Cialis and Levitra exploding all over the scene, many of the nation’s elderly are enjoying better sex lives than when they were young, dumb and couldn’t get none. Many Walgreen stores can’t stay in stock of these erection enhancers and are completely selling out of KY Jelly, Summers Eve; ‘Late Fall’ and ‘Early Winter’ douche brands, as well as Ben-Gay, ‘New Blue’ hair dye, and Sexyment denture wash.         

The good news is that better, more active sex lives usually translates to healthier, happier seniors. Many of the positives include the workouts women are getting from re-found Kegel exercises, both sexes ‘taking some sun’ and ‘taking some air,’ and increased social interaction. The added cardiovascular workouts due to the additional undressing (mostly) and the redressing (hopefully) are also huge health bonuses. The one negative factor is that many hospitals are reporting an increase in broken hips, tricked out-trick knees, priapism and ‘oh my aching backs.’  

He did it all for the nookie

  

The results of this in-depth study with over 3000 participants included…  

Who’s shagging?  

It seems that it’s most often the whippersnappers of the group in the 57 to 64 age range who are batting at an 84% (men) and 62% (women) average. Not to shabby! The more mature, slightly angrier age group of 75 to 85 only reported to have done the deed once in the last year. Again proving the known fact that men, at any age, are hornier and less picky than women.  

How are they shagging?  

Both age groups interviewed stated that they almost always have ‘real sex,’ but also very much enjoy oral sex as well. Most of the men extolled the virtues of gum jobs, equating the experience to ‘pennies from heaven.’ Many of the old girls were keen on cunnilingus as well. “It’s just the bee’s knees” said Ethel Harkins aged 83, “There is almost nothing better than getting the cobwebs spit shined out.” Almost everyone interviewed stressed the importance of not getting ‘carried away’ during any type of sexual activity, “or you will get carried away,” they often continued.  

Why aren’t some shagging?  

Among the less than 30% interviewed who had not engaged in sexual activity within the last year gave their reasons for abstinence as… 

“Because I have no God damned interest in that sort of thing, God damn you!” 48%  

“I’m not taking those newfangled horse pills!” 24%  

‘Staying Faithful to deceased spouse’ 15%  

“Get the hell out of here you God damned pervert!” 8%  

“Did my kids send you here to kill me?” 4%  

“Turn up the heat and get me a blanket and make me some tea and put on my program young mister?” 1%  

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

  

                                                                                                                                                                    

Immediately following the release of the findings, the American Family Association and Focus on the Family began protesting the University of Chicago and NSLHAP. Dr. James Dobson called for a countrywide boycott of AARP, The Price is Right, science in general, Florida, Denny’s early-bird specials and grandparents everywhere. He had this to say, “This is a disgrace of biblical proportions. The elderly in this country should be sending their money to me, not wasting it on Satanic perversion. They should be holding the hand of Jesus, not each others genitalia. The retirement communities are turning into nothing but glorified whore houses and swingers clubs!”  

Dr. Dobson was probably referring to the off-off-off-off Broadway rendition of ‘Eyes Wide Shut; Well Actually, They are Open, But We Can’t See a Damn Thing Anyway. Which Is Just As Well I Suppose.’ The show is running for another three weeks at The Villages in Central Florida.  

The findings of the study show optimism regarding sex and aging as well as new, healthy views towards sex. Could it be that we are all (well most of us) starting to grow up a little?

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January 28, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , ,

53 Comments »

  1. You fucking nut job. I laughed out loud on this one. Nice job, Scott. I have nothing to add. Cheers!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | January 28, 2010 | Reply

    • That may just be the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me, and it means a lot…thanks!

      Thanks Matt-Man!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 29, 2010 | Reply

  2. Way to take a really disturbing subject and make it hilarious. And even more disturbing. hahaha 😉

    Comment by Jay | January 28, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m starting to specialize in the disturbingly hilarious genre. Or maybe I always have.

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 29, 2010 | Reply

  3. my milkshake lady kills!!
    I bet her pubic hair hat really turns some of the guys on

    the entire last part is especially wonderful

    when my son was younger (and so was I) I secretly hoped I was a MILF

    now I aspire to be a GILF or a NIFL

    I can almost hear my grandbaby – “Nana!! since you’re screwing the soccer coach could you tell him I want the big trophy this season”

    Comment by dianne | January 28, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m glad you liked her, I have a sort of ‘thing’ for her myself. As for her pubic hair; I’m not sure, I had fancied her as a Brazillian wax kind of girl????

      You already are a GILF Dianne, you already are! You’ll have to fill me in on what a NILF is though? Nanna?

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 29, 2010 | Reply

  4. James Dobson; there’s a name I haven’t heard for years, wonder why?

    Comment by Dave Hambidge | January 28, 2010 | Reply

    • He definitely hasn’t been as prominent lately as some of his uh….peers. He still has a lot to say though, and none of it is nice. I have a sick obsession with these sick, obsessive freaks.

      Thanks Dave, great to see you again!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 29, 2010 | Reply

      • Will your obsession ever reach the stage of some powerful sniper rifle and justifiable homicide?

        Comment by Dave Hambidge | January 29, 2010 | Reply

        • No, I’m starting to ease off it a bit now. After I did all of those Rapture Ready posts, I found myself trolling their forum and getting upset. So I figured…why do that to myself? I can’t change these people. Still, when I do read the latest statement made by the fundamentalist Christians it gets me going again.

          My problem is that I believe that, assuming Jesus was real…. he taught love and peace, almost an eastern philosophy. But these evil men perverted it to control other men and teach hate. And they are still doing it today. Probably worse than ever.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 29, 2010 | Reply

          • I did a confesson/rant about it at;

            http://issuu.com/davehambo/docs/escape_from_a_cult

            which you might like to peruse.

            Best, dave.

            BTW what time of night is it with you?

            Comment by Dave Hambidge | January 29, 2010 | Reply

            • Sorry Dave, this was stuck in my never-checked spam folder for god knows how long. I’ll read your rant because I love a good rant! If I remember correctly you’re in the UK? So we are one hour ahead of you, 6 hours ahead of New York and 9 hours ahead of LA.

              Thanks and sorry Dave!!

              Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 2, 2010 | Reply

              • No apology needed boss, but gracefully offered and glady received. I try and protect my comment boxes from extraneous links, other than youtube, because you never know!

                Comment by Dave Hambidge | February 2, 2010 | Reply

  5. Yer damn right: Viagra, Rogaine and a bottle of cheap wine and us old uns are the most dangerous critters in the world. For my next conquest, I’m goin’ after one of them big blue babes I seen at the movies.

    Comment by jammer5 | January 28, 2010 | Reply

    • Hahaha, the most dangerous animal of all….. You know that’s the one movie I would have gone to. Before moving here I had a wide screen digital with surround sound, so I haven’t been to the movies in years. And there are no theaters anywhere near here. I would love to see some modern 3D. Agghhh.

      Thanks Jammer5!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 29, 2010 | Reply

  6. Oh man, was this necessary, I mean damn brother!

    Comment by Paul | January 28, 2010 | Reply

    • Yep, this was a top priority news story. Glad you liked it.

      Thanks Paul!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 29, 2010 | Reply

  7. 15% stay faithful to their deceased spouse?

    They must have very large freezers

    Comment by nursemyra | January 28, 2010 | Reply

    • I love the way your beautiful mind works!

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 29, 2010 | Reply

  8. Now that was some funny ass shit! You know I’ll still be saying “where’s the beef” in my 80’s!!!

    Comment by Tammie | January 28, 2010 | Reply

    • I hope so Tammie. And I hope I’ll still be dishing it out! Otherwise what’s the point?

      Thanks Tammie!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 29, 2010 | Reply

  9. I can only imagine the pleasures to be enjoyed from a gum job. As you well know Scott, we bigger boys have to worry about those pesky tooth scrapes.

    Comment by David | January 28, 2010 | Reply

    • Actually and unfortunately, I don’t know what you mean. I’m half Irish and half Italian, but I was not blessed with the Italian um ….. salsiccia. I guess that’s one more thing you can look forward with aging!

      Thanks David!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 29, 2010 | Reply

  10. I’m deeply offended. I’m a sassy sexy 55 year old who does NOT intent to be old/geriatric/senior in 2 years!!!

    And, question if these old coots are having more sex then women their age are we to assume they’re banging younger chicks? Sigh!!

    Comment by delicate flower | January 29, 2010 | Reply

    • As far as I’m concerned DF, you aren’t a senior until you’re 65 so you still have a while. And I’m a firm believer that age is all in your mind anyway. Our entire body is replaced cell by cell within 11 months. So the only way you can truly be old is to believe that you are old. And you are not old! I know that I’m only 24….I don’t care what anybody or any birth certificate says!

      Thanks DF, it’s wonderful to see you again!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 29, 2010 | Reply

  11. Excellent post Scott. While I fall firmly in the “Staying Faithful to deceased spouse” category and I know for a fact that seniors make excellent sexual partners. It would be inappropriate to explain in too much detail – suffice to say that the secret is all in the artifical hips.

    Comment by Donald Mills | January 29, 2010 | Reply

    • I don’t know Don, I think you should get out there and play a little. I know that beautiful Aggie would understand. Besides if you decided to, I’ll bet you’d be up to your neck in young, nubile groupies. I could name 4 or 5 just off of your blog!

      And I’m hoping that you’ll share some of your insights and wisdom with me soon. Where would I get one of these artificial hips?

      Thanks Don!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 29, 2010 | Reply

  12. I bet the students involved w/ the interviewing had some hilarious stories to tell at happy hour.

    Comment by Mrs. D/3 Men & a Lady | January 29, 2010 | Reply

    • Hell I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall during the actual interviews!

      Thanks for stopping by Mrs. D/3 Men & a Lady!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 29, 2010 | Reply

  13. My grandma’s motto is “face down ass up”

    Comment by candice | January 29, 2010 | Reply

    • Being a bit of a face man myself I like to be face to face, but that may damn well change once the age of 70 hits.

      BTW, do you have a way I could get in touch with your grandma? You know, for research purposes….

      Thanks Candice!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 29, 2010 | Reply

  14. Kick-ass funny Scott. We are all heading there like it or not.

    Comment by fundamentaljelly | January 29, 2010 | Reply

    • I can only hope. I’m surprissed that I’ve made it this far.

      Thanks FJ!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 29, 2010 | Reply

  15. Scott,

    I don’t think I have ever laughed so hard/felt so violated while reading a post.

    Cobwebs spit shined out??

    Although I’m presently at a loss for words, I am sure that in a few years (when the cane is being safely ensconced in yours truly), I will have a lot more to say on the subject.

    You truly have a gift, Scott. Even if that gift of yours does force me to take a few valium and lie down every so often.

    Your disciple,
    Bschooled

    Ps. Cobwebs spit shined out??

    Comment by bschooled | January 29, 2010 | Reply

    • Now you’ve made me wince too. Although I have to admit the safely ensconced thing did a little something for me. Anywho, I’m with you and Em on the taking a valium and lying down 3 or 5 times a day thing. Isn’t it just the greatest!

      Yep, cobwebs spit shined out. Sounds like a pleasant experience to me. Not that I’m much of a spit shiner, but to be on the receiving end would be nice….I would think..?…

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 30, 2010 | Reply

      • Sorry if my typing is messy, I am still rocking in the fetal position after visualizing the last part of your comment.

        I wonder if that Lysol antiseptic douche works on the eyes…

        Comment by bschooled | January 30, 2010 | Reply

        • Sorry, I tried it and nope, nothing will get those images out. Bwahahahaha.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 30, 2010 | Reply

  16. Damn, I f*cked up on the italics thing…

    Comment by bschooled | January 29, 2010 | Reply

    • It drives me nuts that wordpress doesn’t allow you to edit the comments you make. Especially when I make so many.

      Maybe we should protest or something?

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 30, 2010 | Reply

  17. For the love of god Scott make the images go away, make them go away!!!!!

    Comment by frigginloon | January 29, 2010 | Reply

    • I know from experience (from that time I walked in on Bea Arthur and Andy Rooney going at it like a pair of angry street-cats) that you can never make those images go away. Not even bleach helps…..sorry.

      Thanks Frigginloon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 30, 2010 | Reply

  18. You have me very afraid of what my fantasies may become in the future.

    Comment by Micky-T | January 30, 2010 | Reply

    • What dreams may come indeed! At 20, I never thought that I would ever find 40 hot, yet here I am. Now 20 lookes like some teen mallrat to me. It’ll be weird….looking at an 80 year old, and thinking….yea, I’d tap that ass!

      Thanks Micky!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 31, 2010 | Reply

  19. The statistics and combined age of everyone involved certainly makes the head spin and recoil and vomit a little.

    What are we to make of the men (84%) having more sex than the women (62%)?

    As you pointed out, probably some lying going on. Or some false reporting of manual override as a “sexual activity.” Or they’re all taking turns with Milkshake, who owns the only red lightbulb in the retirement facility.

    If these numbers continue to climb, I’m going to invest heavily in lubricant manufacturers and perhaps create some sort of Lemon Pledge Erotic Body Wipe for the dustier participants.

    Spectacular and horrifying post, Scott. And I say that while fully aware that I will someday lying to a helpful statistician while touching myself under several woolen blankets and undergarments while keeping a good eye on the Matlock reruns.

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | January 31, 2010 | Reply

    • You’re back! Are you back? I hope you’re back.

      I wondered a lot about the stats as well. There are only three plausible explanations that I can think of
      1 somebody’s lying
      2 the smaller female percentage are complete sluts and have sex with the larger, male percentage
      3 the men are somehow getting some young ass

      Being that I like to hold out some hope for my own retirement, I choose to believe it’s number 2.

      Let me know if you need any advertising help with your new products, they are sure to take off if these stats hold up!

      Great to have you back my friend!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 1, 2010 | Reply

  20. it seems a little strange to know that my 90 yr old grandparents are playing hide the salami…but hey more pwr to them…but how cool is it too think that when i am 100 i could get my knob polished by a hot 80 yr old zman sends

    Comment by zmanowner | February 1, 2010 | Reply

    • I agree with you totally Steve. Right now the only thing keeping me going is the hope of elderly fellatio. I’m not getting much now, that’s for sure. Shit, did I say that out loud?

      Thanks Steve!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 1, 2010 | Reply

      • Er, yeah…

        You did.

        Comment by bschooled | February 1, 2010 | Reply

        • Oops.

          Thank…..

          I meant just kidding!~

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 1, 2010 | Reply

  21. Isn’t it odd that while at this point in my life elderly sex is appalling, I’m sure when I hit the demographic I’ll be like, “What’s the big deal?”

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | February 2, 2010 | Reply

    • I totally know what you mean. When I was younger, I never thought I’d be attracted to 30 or 40 year olds even. Now, thank god, that’s all I’m attracted to. Even 19 and 20 year olds aren’t attractive at all to me, they look like freaking 12 year olds. Agaghh!!!

      Thanks Rooster!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 2, 2010 | Reply

  22. I didn’t comment on this yet? WTF? I remember reading it in the wee hours, but probably that night I got snookered. And hasn’t Don checked in yet? There he is! He’s hiding something, leading us away with the “artificial hip” comment. Hmmmmm. Everyone’s humping till they’re dust these days,like a bunch of rabbits. Instinct never goes, it just keeps coming and coming . . . great post!!!

    Comment by Dan McGinley | February 3, 2010 | Reply

    • Wow I just accidentally found this, so we’re both out there on this one. Trippy.

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 20, 2010 | Reply


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