Gyrating Geriatrics

A recently published research study conducted by the National Social Life, Health, and Aging Project during 05 and 06 at the University of Chicago has found that senior citizens are having more sex than ever before. The findings show that males between the ages of 57 and 85 are slightly more likely to play hide the cane than women in the same age group, proving again that all women, even old women lie about sex. And probably fake orgasms as well.  

  

With the money shot of Viagra, Cialis and Levitra exploding all over the scene, many of the nation’s elderly are enjoying better sex lives than when they were young, dumb and couldn’t get none. Many Walgreen stores can’t stay in stock of these erection enhancers and are completely selling out of KY Jelly, Summers Eve; ‘Late Fall’ and ‘Early Winter’ douche brands, as well as Ben-Gay, ‘New Blue’ hair dye, and Sexyment denture wash.         

The good news is that better, more active sex lives usually translates to healthier, happier seniors. Many of the positives include the workouts women are getting from re-found Kegel exercises, both sexes ‘taking some sun’ and ‘taking some air,’ and increased social interaction. The added cardiovascular workouts due to the additional undressing (mostly) and the redressing (hopefully) are also huge health bonuses. The one negative factor is that many hospitals are reporting an increase in broken hips, tricked out-trick knees, priapism and ‘oh my aching backs.’  

He did it all for the nookie

  

The results of this in-depth study with over 3000 participants included…  

Who’s shagging?  

It seems that it’s most often the whippersnappers of the group in the 57 to 64 age range who are batting at an 84% (men) and 62% (women) average. Not to shabby! The more mature, slightly angrier age group of 75 to 85 only reported to have done the deed once in the last year. Again proving the known fact that men, at any age, are hornier and less picky than women.  

How are they shagging?  

Both age groups interviewed stated that they almost always have ‘real sex,’ but also very much enjoy oral sex as well. Most of the men extolled the virtues of gum jobs, equating the experience to ‘pennies from heaven.’ Many of the old girls were keen on cunnilingus as well. “It’s just the bee’s knees” said Ethel Harkins aged 83, “There is almost nothing better than getting the cobwebs spit shined out.” Almost everyone interviewed stressed the importance of not getting ‘carried away’ during any type of sexual activity, “or you will get carried away,” they often continued.  

Why aren’t some shagging?  

Among the less than 30% interviewed who had not engaged in sexual activity within the last year gave their reasons for abstinence as… 

“Because I have no God damned interest in that sort of thing, God damn you!” 48%  

“I’m not taking those newfangled horse pills!” 24%  

‘Staying Faithful to deceased spouse’ 15%  

“Get the hell out of here you God damned pervert!” 8%  

“Did my kids send you here to kill me?” 4%  

“Turn up the heat and get me a blanket and make me some tea and put on my program young mister?” 1%  

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

  

                                                                                                                                                                    

Immediately following the release of the findings, the American Family Association and Focus on the Family began protesting the University of Chicago and NSLHAP. Dr. James Dobson called for a countrywide boycott of AARP, The Price is Right, science in general, Florida, Denny’s early-bird specials and grandparents everywhere. He had this to say, “This is a disgrace of biblical proportions. The elderly in this country should be sending their money to me, not wasting it on Satanic perversion. They should be holding the hand of Jesus, not each others genitalia. The retirement communities are turning into nothing but glorified whore houses and swingers clubs!”  

Dr. Dobson was probably referring to the off-off-off-off Broadway rendition of ‘Eyes Wide Shut; Well Actually, They are Open, But We Can’t See a Damn Thing Anyway. Which Is Just As Well I Suppose.’ The show is running for another three weeks at The Villages in Central Florida.  

The findings of the study show optimism regarding sex and aging as well as new, healthy views towards sex. Could it be that we are all (well most of us) starting to grow up a little?