Zodi’s Blog

If Bumper Stickers Were Honest

 

 

 

 

Baby on Board- So don’t spaz out if I cut you off.

ACLU- Go ahead and pull me over, I’ll sue your ass off!

PETA- I’m really bored and a little crazy.

My Child is an Honor Roll Student @- My kid is smarter than your loser kid.

High School Wrestling @- My kid will kick the shit out of your brainy kid.

High School Football @- My kid and 4 of his friends will kick the shit out of your brainy kid and the wrestling kid!

Grateful Dead- Please pull me over. I have drugs. Lots and lots of drugs.

I Spent all My Money on Booze, Boats and Broads, I Wasted the Rest- I’ve only ever had one of those three things.

NAACP- Please pull me over.

AARP- Be really freaking careful. Watch for unexpected stops and turns. I may accidentally accelerate, reverse or ‘stop.’ I “heart” plate glass storefront windows, crowded bus-stops and lakes. Have you had time to read this since the light’s turned green?

NRA- Undereducated and PISSED!

American Family Association- Trying (mostly in vain) to impose our values on the rest of society since 1977.

AA- I have at least a 7% chance of being sober right now. Look it up.

NA- I don’t do drugs so don’t pull me over. Cause you won’t find any. I swear to God! What? Awww shit…..

WWE- Sub-100 IQ and/or haven’t come out yet.

Mean People Suck…Nice People Swallow- I’m not getting any. I’m not going to be getting any in the foreseeable future.   

NASCAR- White, lower to middle class Christian conservative. Oh, and I drive aggressively but really don’t have the skill for it so watch out.

Eat The Rich- You guessed it…I’m poor and have envy issues.

If You Can Read This- You’re scaring the livin shit out of me. I’m not used to city drivin so just be nice.

Obama- See, I’m proving that I’m not racist.

NOBama- Getting back at the Bush Bashers since 1-5-09.

Proud Redneck- If I ever get lost and drive into the inner city, I’m so freaking dead.

I’d Rather be Hunting, fishing, boating, golfing, etc, etc- I refuse to live life in the moment. Plus, I want you to know what I like to do.  

Palin/Beck 12’- I’d rather be watching cartoons and eating corndogs.

Back Off (with Yosemite Sam)- I’m attempting to hide some major insecurities.

Adam and Eve NOT Adam and Steve- It turns me on when you guys kiss. Then I feel all dirty and icky. Ah, screw it; meet me at the park at midnight.

I Support the Fraternal Order of Police- This is just my way of trying a really lame ass bribe.

Blue Moon Bar and Grill- I got this for free, and it covers a scratch.

Soccer Mom- I don’t really know why, but I just feel like I need a label. It’s like….comforting or something..?

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February 11, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , ,

30 Comments »

  1. Total win! Every single one of those is awesome. I especially love the Greatful Dead bumper sticker. haha 😉

    Comment by Jay | February 11, 2010 | Reply

    • I finally got a win! I always think that when I see a dead sticker….even though I like them.

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 12, 2010 | Reply

  2. hahahaha! this is my favourite

    “Mean People Suck…Nice People Swallow- I’m not getting any. I’m not going to be getting any in the foreseeable future.”

    Comment by nursemyra | February 11, 2010 | Reply

    • There are a lot of mean people in this world after all….haha

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 12, 2010 | Reply

  3. Love those!

    What does it mean to be anti-bumper sticker or personalized license plate? Because that’s where I fall. 😉

    Comment by Candice | February 12, 2010 | Reply

    • It means that you’re pretty awesome, because that’s where I fall as well!

      Thanks Candice!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 12, 2010 | Reply

  4. Ha! Unreal! My wife came up with this idea called “sticker pocket” – a bumper sticker of clear plastic with a slit, so you can insert a fresh bumper sticker in there and switch them around any time. Then again . . . why do people have them anyway? What do we care what they think? Who am I? Sorry Scott . . . long day. GREAT POST!

    Comment by Dan McGinley | February 12, 2010 | Reply

    • I understand your confusion Dan; long days do that to me too. I just never understood why people have to label themselves in so many ways. Especially publicly. I try not to so I can keep adapting to the moment at hand…

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 12, 2010 | Reply

  5. Those are a laugh-shit-riot! I’m dying here! I have no bumper stickers – well, I do have the little dancing bear (“go ahead and pull me over – but don’t inhale when I roll down the window”) – rather I have a license plate frame that says, “Life is a Cabernet.” So that must be right up there with the “AA” bumper sticker, only there is a 7% chance that I haven’t been drinking WINE!

    Comment by Another Desert Rat | February 12, 2010 | Reply

    • I love the little dancing bears! I had a girlfriend a while ago with 5 dancing bears tattooed around her ankle. I looked up the stats for AA recovery, and found that only 7% make it through the first year. The funniest is when you see one that has be hacked at when the owner decides he’s not a quitter. Hahahahah!

      Thanks Desert Rat!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 12, 2010 | Reply

  6. LOL, I pretty much hate bumper stickers. My granola eating, uber-liberal BIL and SIL have a couple that really crack me and my husband up…. b/c they are stupid but they think they’re really making a statement.

    Along the same lines are those idiotic stickers in the back windows (of trucks usually) that have a boy peeing on a (insert whatever you hate here). Classy.

    Comment by Mrs. D/3 Men & a Lady | February 12, 2010 | Reply

    • I don’t get it either, especially with politics. You’re just asking some nutjob from whichever side of the fence to mess with your car. Some of the best ones are the ones that are trying to be witty, but are ridiculously stupid. Have you noticed that anybody who goes to far to the right or the left just loses all common sense?

      Thanks Mrs. D/3 Men & a Lady!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 12, 2010 | Reply

  7. It just gets awesomer. I have never had a bumper sticker in my entire life so I never understood the point. I may be willing to put “I’d Rather be Reading Zodi’s Blog” on my bumper.

    Comment by fundamentaljelly | February 12, 2010 | Reply

    • Neither have I. Damn that’s my best compliment ever FJ, thanks man! Maybe I should get a couple ….uh dozen printed.

      Thanks FJ!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 12, 2010 | Reply

  8. I have never had a bumper sticker
    although I do have a little animal friendly thing on my plates in the hopes that I won’t be killed by some tiny dick Hummer asshole when I brake for a family of deer

    I loved the AARP sticker especially the part about ‘have you had enough time to read this since the light turned green’

    Seinfeld does a great bit about elderly Fla drivers
    he call their turn signal the ‘eventual left’ – they turn it on in the driveway and leave it on all day
    and he says the Fla motto should be ‘sit low, drive slow’ with a pic of knuckles on a steering wheel

    Comment by dianne | February 12, 2010 | Reply

    • I don’t think the little dick Hummer dick would stop for you or the deer anyway. I love Seinfeld too. Been having to get my fix from Curb your Enthusiasm lately. Even better really, since LD can say fuck a lot.

      I lived in St. Pete Beach Florida for 5 years. I’ve personally seen every single thing I mentioned. One of my favorite was some ancient guy with dementia, who drove through a convenience store, put it in park, got out, and asked what time the shuttle was coming. I kid you not!

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 12, 2010 | Reply

  9. These are wonderful! LOL at all – Palin one in particular. What a doofus….

    Comment by Amy Gray Light | February 12, 2010 | Reply

    • Wow, I haven’t heard that word in forever. And it fits so perfectly!

      Thanks Amy Gray Light!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 13, 2010 | Reply

  10. Great Stuff Scott.

    The Soccer Mom was a great closer. Really funny!

    Comment by Donald Mills | February 13, 2010 | Reply

    • It is crazy and funny the way people have to define themselves to the world isn’t it? Funny, crazy and scary Don…

      Thanks Don!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 13, 2010 | Reply

  11. This old thickie in britland had to ggogle a few of those terms to even have a hope. I still can’t work out what “NA” is?

    Comment by Dave Hambidge | February 13, 2010 | Reply

    • Hey Dave it’s great to see you again! NA is Narcotics Anonymous. But they’re not too anonymous when they have the bumper sticker.

      Thanks Dave!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 13, 2010 | Reply

      • Scott, thankyou. Narcotics Anonymous eh. I had a few doses of narcotics during and after openheart surgery, lovely stuff!!

        Comment by Dave Hambidge | February 14, 2010 | Reply

        • I’ve had two surgeries as well, and the stuff they give you an hour before (phetanyl) and the morphine drip for when you wake up, are both lovely indeed. In the states they’ll give you narcotics for a hangnail…..that’s why there are so many addicts.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 15, 2010 | Reply

  12. HAHAHAHA!!

    OMG Scott, I am dying over here…

    (Just you wait until I get my hands on a computer that actually works.)

    Comment by bschooled | February 13, 2010 | Reply

    • What? Did you drink the water, the Tequila or take surfing instructions from some homeless American? Oh wait; I haven’t put that plan into action yet. You are sorely missed B, I can’t wait much longer for your triumphant return to high speed internet!

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 13, 2010 | Reply

  13. That was funny, but I’m a little put-off by the NRA sticker. Not all NRA members are angry. Don’t be so judgmental.

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | February 15, 2010 | Reply

    • Sorry Rooster, judgmental is what I do. Besides, how do you know I didn’t mean under-educated and pissed…like drunk, how the brits say it? Although to be fair, most pissed people do become PISSED at some point……bwahahahaha

      Thanks Rooster!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 16, 2010 | Reply

  14. Funny stuff Scott.

    I like to think of the first one as “Beware: Baby on Board” since the whole experience is likely to be erratic or “Beware of the Baby on Board” with the assumption that the kind is some kind of demon spawn.

    Comment by David | February 19, 2010 | Reply

  15. Both of those assumptions are most likely correct. I’ve seen some crazy shit while driving, but a women who was trying to feed her kid a bottle (in the backseat) while driving was one of the worst.

    Thanks David!!

    Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 20, 2010 | Reply


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