Zodi’s Blog

My Dad the Dick

I had been searching for a quick post to throw up when thankfully my friend Mrs D/3 Men and a Lady, wrote a terrific post today reminding me of a long suppressed forgotten ‘ghost story’ of my own…     

See, my dad was sometimes a dick, to put it mildly. He was a heavy drinker, with a penchant for terrorizing his son practical jokes.     

    

I was at the tender age of 13 when he recommended King’s Pet Semetery. I was already an avid reader (I had already read The Talisman and loved it), plus I loved animals…so why not? He’d call me just to ask where I was in the book which I found pretty odd since he rarely called me before.     

During the time I was reading the book, he and his new girlfriend stopped over my mom’s house unexpectedly to tell me, with tears in their eyes…that his cat had been hit by a car. His cat (which was black) had apparently made it home in terrible shape and died an hour later. They had buried it in the backyard. I was upset.     

Two or three weeks after I’d told him that I’d finished the book he invited me to spend the night at his house. I always loved that because they would let me drink two beers with them. His girlfriend was only 19 BTW. He was not always a stellar dad…     

After the two beers did their magic on my underage bladder I had to use the bathroom, which was in the basement. He told me that the all the lights down there were out and to take a flashlight with me. I didn’t like this since the basement was already windowless, dank, cobwebby and spooky as hell to begin with.     

I made my way down the wooden, creaky stairs slowly and saw that the door to the bathroom was closed. When I opened the door I saw to my horror that the tiled walls and floor were covered in blood. Then there was the cat….the dead fucking cat….covered in blood, practically leaping at me to get out of the room he was locked in. I didn’t really comprehend that the cat was rushing towards me to escape the bathroom of course; I thought he was going to try to eat my brain.     

That's a dead cat

I froze in shock and panic for what seemed hours but was probably 10 seconds as the bloody, dead, brain eating cat shot out between my quivering legs and took off like a dead, bloody, brain eating cat out of hell. First I screamed. Then I ran.     

My dad’s house was almost exactly one mile from my mom’s house. At that age I was running a mile in the low six minute range. That night I probably ran the world’s first three-minute mile, followed immediately by excessive vomiting.     

My dad did eventually apologize and told me it was all fake blood, and a set up. The cat was fine of course. But it did take me a little while to forgive him. And I started bringing a friend or two when I was going to spend the night. While I do forgive him and know that he was a ‘fun guy’ if a little misguided, I also do very much remember that he could be a real dick. So much in fact, that this may be the first of a long running series with this title. Not that I’m resentful or anything….

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February 26, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , ,

56 Comments »

  1. First, I LOVE the title, LOL!! I’m sorry your dad was a dick, but the title is great. It will make a great series name. My dad always had young gf’s, too, and questionable parenting choices as well, btw. That is sick that he thought up that whole situation, but I have to admit I laughed! I know cats can be insane when trapped in a room so I can only imagine what that was like when he lunged at you. You poor thing! Was your mom pissed?

    Comment by Mrs. D | February 26, 2010 | Reply

    • Now you’ve got me thinking of another reality show idea! He did have a lot of questionable parenting issues; he was a non-functioning alcoholic for the last 20 years of his life.

      It is funny to even me now but wasn’t at the time. I think my pride was hurt more than anything else. No, I never did tell my mom. She would’ve banned me going over there…she already wanted to.

      Thanks Mrs D/3, and thanks for the idea!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 26, 2010 | Reply

      • And I keep giggling at the caption under the cat picture, btw. I think you could definitely sell books and THEN get famous.

        Comment by Mrs. D | February 26, 2010 | Reply

        • I’m going to try! I’m writing a book as we speak…it’s just really hard to market it.

          Thanks for the love!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 27, 2010 | Reply

  2. Love the title by the way. That was really mean of your dad….he probably didn’t even realize he could have scarred you for life. Some people just don’t put much thought into their actions and how it affects others.

    Obviously, he had a twisted sense of humor…..and hey look on the bright side….he gave you this great story to share with us! (how you narrowly dodged being scarred for life….ha).

    Comment by trishothinks | February 26, 2010 | Reply

    • I think he was usually in a blackout anyway. He was a funny guy though, and I did inherit his sick sense of humor, that’s for sure.

      And I do love my stories and life experiences. I could write about 3 books about my life, and they’d all be highly entertaining. I just have to get famous first, so the books sell.

      Thanks Trishothinks!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 26, 2010 | Reply

  3. Holy Shit…That is funny in a sick and twisted way. If still alive, is your Dad available for kids’ parties? Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | February 26, 2010 | Reply

    • He was a funny and twisted guy Matty. No, he’s long dead…it was the sauce. RIP

      Thanks Matt!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 26, 2010 | Reply

  4. Wait….let me revise this…..it isn’t how you narrowly dodged being scarred for life. It is how you narrowly dodged being scarred for life by your dad, the dick!

    Trisho

    http://trishothinks.wordpress.com/

    Comment by trishothinks | February 26, 2010 | Reply

    • Oh I’m scarred, I’m defintly scarred…by my dad the dick! You’re hilarious!

      Thanks Trisho!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 26, 2010 | Reply

  5. Yeah I agree with everyone else love the title…..while looking back their might be some humor (i was laughing..sorry pal)…that was a very dickish thing to do to a young kid…geez i probably would have hated cats after that as well……sounds you and pops have some things to work out…..zman sends

    Comment by zmanowner | February 26, 2010 | Reply

    • No don’t be sorry, I was laughing my ass off while writing this one Steve. It wasn’t funny at the time but it is now. It was a great practical joke, I’ll give him that!

      And surprisingly, I still do love cats. Scarring aside haha…

      Thanks Steve.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 26, 2010 | Reply

  6. Yup! That’s some twisted funny from a dad.

    Comment by Micky-T | February 26, 2010 | Reply

    • That was my dad for you. Can you tell I inherited it/

      Thanks Micky!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 26, 2010 | Reply

  7. That’s …. insane. Maybe a little over the top, but kinda freaking impressive too. I’m conflicted here. Since it didn’t happen to me, I find it kind of funny. LOL 😉

    Comment by Jay | February 26, 2010 | Reply

    • It was very impressive. My dad could have easily created Punk’d, it was his whole shtick! It’s actually one of the best memories of have of him!

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 26, 2010 | Reply

  8. Well this explains everything 😉

    Comment by Candice | February 26, 2010 | Reply

    • Haha ….that’s really only the tip of the iceberg that sunk the Titanic of my mind.

      Thanks Candice!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 27, 2010 | Reply

  9. If that is “one of the best memories” then I dread to know of the worst, what a ghoul!

    Comment by Dave Hambidge | February 26, 2010 | Reply

    • That’s because there really weren’t a ton of others Dave.

      Thanks Dave!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 27, 2010 | Reply

  10. I used to hide under my brother’s bed and then grab his ankles after he turned out the light – which was across the room, so he had to hit the switch and sprint into bed. Good times!

    Comment by Evil Twin's Wife | February 26, 2010 | Reply

    • See, that’s the fun stuff between siblings. Why didn’t I have a brother to torture/tease….

      Thanks Evil Twin’s Wife!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 27, 2010 | Reply

  11. I don’t understood many father/son relationships. Now I’m even more confused. While it’s a funny story, I can’t imagine pulling a trick like that on a child. I guess your father thought “what doesn’t kill, makes one stronger” and in your case he was probably right, you seem like a pretty resilient guy.

    I’m not surprised your mother split from him though.

    Comment by nursemyra | February 26, 2010 | Reply

    • We definitely didn’t have a normal relationship. He never did have any. I think the only thing he thought was it was a good, drunken idea, which any of his ideas would have been. That’s why my mom split with him when I was young.

      Thankfully, I am pretty resilient and still have a sense of humor….twisted as it may be.

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 27, 2010 | Reply

  12. Wow, Scott…

    Being your doppleganger and all (or was it soul sister? I can’t remember), I’m all over the idea of twisted humor. My Dad used to pull pranks on me all the time when I was a kid, too. But his jokes were ones that I can now look back on and say “Yeah, even though I felt like an ass at the time, that was pretty funny…”.

    but seriously, that’s messed up. I used to read those Stephen King books as well, and I don’t think I would’ve been able to lead a normal life afterwards if someone, especially my Dad, did that to me. Particularly at that age.

    You’re a stronger man than I am, Scott (and I’m guessing more anatomically-correct). And your title is brilliant.

    Comment by bschooled | February 27, 2010 | Reply

    • I don’t know? I always thought doppelganger meant look-alike. But I could be wrong. Although we are both ridiculously attractive so maybe? Probably soul-siblings by another daddy. Well…and mommy.

      I still do love King, he’s still my favorite in that genre. Have you read Under the Dome yet?

      Wait, you think I live a normal life? Or that I’m strong? Have you gotten to know me at all? Lol. I’m definitely not normal tho. And who are those doctors anyway to say who’s anatomically correct or incorrect? I don’t trust em…never have.

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 27, 2010 | Reply

  13. Wow, this is horrifying, not a bit funny, and on third thought damn cruel.

    I’m also impressed by your resilience. But it still shouldn’t have happened. I’m guessing your dad’s gone or you wouldn’t be able to write about this.

    Comment by Pamela Villars | February 27, 2010 | Reply

    • It was horrifying at the time, that’s for sure. Yea, he’s long gone. And it has been cathartic. He was just a drunk. I’m just glad I stopped myself from turning into him.

      Thanks Pamela!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 27, 2010 | Reply

      • I completely agree with Pamela (always a good call). To me that’s not funny – it’s abusive.

        Comment by Donald Mills | February 28, 2010 | Reply

        • I’m always glad to have you in my corner Don!

          Thanks Don!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 28, 2010 | Reply

  14. Scott, that’s a truly horrific story. Horrific but entertaining. Actually more entertaining and hilarious. Especially since it all happened to someone else.

    I don’t think I could do that to my own kids, but the neighbors’ kids… all bets are off.

    Maybe sometime I’ll lend them “IT” and follow them around in a clown suit for a few weeks. Then, when their fear has reached its peak, I’ll toss a big spider at them and yell “BOO!”

    Yeah. The ending is that great. What the motherfucking fuck.

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | February 27, 2010 | Reply

    • Oh it is entertaining to look back on now. Entertaining and horrific. Actually more horrific. I think my little 13 year old brain had about 13 mini strokes at the time. That actually does explain a lot.

      I love King’s writing still though. His style just sucks me right in. What was that retarded kids name in It? And wasn’t the end where the grown up is riding his bike down the street trying to ‘beat the devil?’

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 27, 2010 | Reply

      • That might be the end after the other end. Like a postscript or something. All I know is that that book scared the shit out of me until they went into the sewer and confronted “IT” which had taken the form of a giant spider.

        WTFF.

        I just think King couldn’t find anything scarier than a clown. It’s not meant to be an insult. There’s nothing scarier than a clown.

        Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | February 28, 2010 | Reply

        • Ok, I remember now. It was the epiloge when he was grown up and riding the bike remembering.

          You’re right about the clown, I was scared of them well before the book and well after. There is just something unnatural and etherel about clowns. And And Dick. He scares me too.

          Thanks CLT!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 28, 2010 | Reply

  15. Holy shit, was your dad a graduate of Clown College?? Do you need a hug?? What a tool your dad must be.

    Comment by Fundamental Jelly | February 27, 2010 | Reply

    • He was actually a literary professor who only worked maybe 7 or 8 years of his entire life. He ended up working for the ‘bakery union’ I was talking about in another post…ah, working with numbers. He was basically a career alcoholic who wasted his entire life. He ‘left Las Vegas’ at 47. So… tool? Yea.

      Thanks FJ!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 27, 2010 | Reply

  16. Holy crow. ‘Dick’ is putting it mildly. That was one scary book – of the King books, that one stays with me. I went to the DC preview of ‘Christine,’ (remember the one about the evil car??) It was so bad, it was funny, and I laughed my ass off through the entire picture – much to the chagrin of the producers, and my then-BF was annoyed b/c no one in the audience was also laughing or enjoying themselves, and were shifting uncomfortably in their seats wishing to leave (it was really stupid, remember…). Yes, we give our geriatric Scat cat (17 1/2) an IV every night…since May for his end-stage renal disease….he’s holding his own and actually doing pretty good. His biological mom died over the summer from the same thing so we’re feeling pretty good about it. It doesn’t hurt him and he’s still enjoying life…..

    Comment by Amy Gray Light | February 27, 2010 | Reply

    • I remember pretty much all of King’s books. He is a genius….but usually that genius doesn’t transfer to film. Christine was embarrassingly bad, and I laughed watching it as well. In my opinion The Stand was one of the best books of all time. The movie played out like the bad made for TV thing it was. I’d still love to see the entire Gunslinger series become a ..series tho.

      And for some reason, I think he may have something to do with ‘Lost.’ I can see his mind in there somewhere.

      Thanks Amy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 28, 2010 | Reply

  17. is it wrong that I feel bad for the cat?

    at least your dick, well your dad, had a twisted sense of humor, mine was just mean – and a mean dick is never funny

    we could do a call in radio show together!!
    ‘Share Your Dick with Scott and Dianne’

    I feel closer to you …

    Comment by dianne | February 27, 2010 | Reply

    • No, I was pissed the most about him telling me the cat was dead to begin with.

      He had a twisted, sick sense of humor until he got drunker. Then he could get pretty ugly too. As every drunk does eventually.

      I love the name of your radio show idea, but can I get a vagina?

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 28, 2010 | Reply

      • “… but can I get a vagina?”

        that gave me this vision of interchangeable people, kinda like Mr Potatoe Head only with vaginas and dicks instead. Imagine the hilarity that would ensue!

        as for your ? about photos on blogger – I never have a problem and I upload a lot on both my blogs. I do know people who do have issues but I never have.

        Comment by dianne | February 28, 2010 | Reply

        • You just gave me a great new children’s toy idea! Millions. We’ll make millions!

          WordPress always gives me headaches with pictures. They end up moving all over the place due to hidden code…I guess?

          Thanks Dianne!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 2, 2010 | Reply

  18. My dad would have got drunk, killed and bbq’d the cat, then made me clean up the mess. No skeletons in the closet here either.

    Comment by jammer5 | February 28, 2010 | Reply

    • I think he knew that I would have waited for him to pass out and killed him myself, if he killed the cat. Everybody’s vulnerable when they’re passed out….. Sorry about your dad as well.

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 28, 2010 | Reply

  19. I hope this doesn’t put a internet wedge between us, but I want to party with your dad.

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | March 1, 2010 | Reply

    • It would definitely put a large wedge between us (tho that sounds like fun) since he’s been dead for 18 years. You’d end up getting lost in the space/time continuum, like what happened to Hero….

      Thanks Rooster!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 1, 2010 | Reply

      • Are you talking about Steve Rogers; Captain America Reborn? Goddamn Red Skull!

        Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | March 8, 2010 | Reply

        • Wow, I completly forgot about that great show! I meant Hero Nackamora-or however the hell you spell that guy from Heroes.

          Thanks Rooster!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 8, 2010 | Reply

  20. Holy shit, Scott! That book scared the hell out of me, and I was in my twenties or thrities when I read it! Man, you gotta write some real life stories; that’s unbelievable. My old man used to drink a lot too, but he usually burned himself. Great story!

    Comment by Dan McGinley | March 1, 2010 | Reply

    • When you’re 13 it’s even worse. He can still send the cold up my spine, even with his seemingly obscure quotes from Rebecca. “Last night I dreamt of Manderly again,” in Bag of Bones got to me.

      My dad usually burned himself as well. Passing out with lit cigarettes and all….

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 1, 2010 | Reply

  21. Blahahaha my dad once jumped out of the closet in the full Planet Of The Apes costume. Because I was at the teenage stage I just looked at him and said “quit it dad” . It was only when I was half way down the corridor that I thought, WTF was that! He was deflated that he didn’t scare me 🙂

    Comment by frigginloon | March 1, 2010 | Reply

    • was he a female ape or a male ape FL? coz that makes all the difference in my nightmares

      Comment by nursemyra | March 2, 2010 | Reply

    • See, that’s just plain funny. Dead, bloody, brain eating cats are never a good time. The closet/ape thing is pretty normal. That’s something I’d do to my own kid.

      Thanks Frigginloon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 2, 2010 | Reply

  22. Oh, Scott honey….I’m so sorry. Not funny at all.

    I think a series about your dad would be a good thing and a hell of a lot cheaper than therapy.

    Comment by Candy | March 4, 2010 | Reply

    • I should really consider a TV series…must watch TV and all that. It definitly would be cathartic!

      Thanks Candy~!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 4, 2010 | Reply

  23. Ha Ha that was hilarious, wish I’d thought of something like that when my kids were still living at home. I read Pet Sematary many years ago & I had a dead indian is coming into my bedroom to get me nightmares for weeks

    Comment by Tony | March 16, 2010 | Reply


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