Zodi’s Blog

The Moor Who Made it Snow

This is the legend of King Ibn Almundim, a rich, white girl and why there is ‘snow’ in Western Europe, as retold by me…  

Young Ibn Almundim was a fierce and ridiculously talented Moorish conqueror. His father had made him start practicing conquering pretty much from birth. He even made the rounds of the Moroccan late night entertainment shows, demonstrating his skills at the age of two. Everyone immediately loved the cute little Moor.  

Ibn Almundim

   

He eventually became so good at conquering he had more frankincense and myrrh than he knew what to do with, but he knew he needed a wife. Public image was paramount to sponsorship even back then. Since he could choose from the finest women in the world, he did what anybody would do and picked a smoking hot blond with an amazing rack and a wealthy family.  

Luckily, princess Gilda was just as enamored with the charming and handsome king, so they wed. After the marriage was consummated Gilda boldly told her friends, “Once you go Moor, you never go poor!” –The phrase later evolved.  

The happy young couple then moved to his kingdom on the Iberian coast. They truly had the world by the short and curly’s…..except in that age, they were much longer and prone to tangles.  

After they had their first child, Gilda’s mood began to darken; she began complaining about the lack of Scandinavian super stores, and became quite frigid. The king, who was always known as a superb swordsman, began looking elsewhere for sparing partners. After several very public indiscretions, the situation came to a head one night when Gilda plunged a spear into the King’s favorite carriage.  

As Ibn Almundim started to lose sponsors (Merry Myrrh Maker® was the first to jump ship) as well as the war of public opinion, he knew he had to make it up to Gilda. He begged her to name just one thing that would make her happy and promised to move heaven and earth to bring his A game and get it done.  

She thought long and hard, shook her head to loose the thought, and then tried to think of something that even the great king wouldn’t be able to accomplish. “Ok, I want da snow…here,” she finally answered him. Then added, “and you’ll not be touching my fine white ass til den.”  

Gilda

The king held a press conference, had a concubine, smoked some hash and hatched an idea. It was a dope induced idea for sure, but just crazy enough to work. He secretly sent 500 of his men up north to trade hash for almond trees and ‘a few of those cool ass knives.’  

The men returned months later and covered the castle grounds and surrounding land with the trees. As the months passed, Gilda became relieved that the king was unable to fulfill his promise because she had grown to find sex quite tiresome, and she was damned if she wanted to destroy her kick-ass body with another baby.  

The following April the king bounded into her quarters with a spring in his step and twinkle in his eye. “Get out you filthy beast of a man,” exclaimed Gilda. “But you only have to open your windows my love. For I have brought you snow from your very homeland” said the king.  

  

Gilda tentatively opened her windows to find the entire landscape filled with a luxuriant white and shades of delicate, pink petals dancing in the soft breeze. Gilda stammered at first, then recovered and said, “Dis is gorgeous, but I jus wanted an ounce of blow you fucking moron.”  

The king and Gilda stayed in the long, loveless marriage of convenience filled with rehab stints and counseling sessions. But Western Europe is eternally grateful for their tumultuous relationship….it makes for a beautiful spring!

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March 7, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , ,

38 Comments »

  1. That was great! You have a great way with words. I love the phrase “once you go moor…” , LOL, too funny!

    Comment by Mrs. D | March 7, 2010 | Reply

    • Yea that phrase has taken a turn for the worse in the last couple decades huh?

      Thanks Mrs. D!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 7, 2010 | Reply

  2. Scott, that was fanTAStic! I was caught, hook, line and sinker until I saw the picture of “Gilda” and thought, “Oh, HO!” This just gets better and better!

    “A few of those cool ass knives.” I’m dyin’!

    Comment by Another Desert Rat | March 7, 2010 | Reply

    • I actually took that from a supposedly true story of how almond trees came to Portugal and Spain. The Moorish king, Gilda from Sweden…everything’s true. I just kinda modernized it with people you may know….

      Thanks Desert Rat!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 7, 2010 | Reply

      • Scott,

        I think you are obsessed with Elin Nordegren! I’m right?

        Trisho

        http://trishothinks.wordpress.com/

        Comment by trishothinks | March 8, 2010 | Reply

        • That’s what I’m beginning to think… Scott ♥’s Elin, LOL 😉

          Comment by Mrs. D | March 8, 2010 | Reply

          • Does not does not! Wait, yes I do. I love everyone…yea that’s it…that’s the ticket!

            Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 8, 2010 | Reply

        • Well I needed an image of a Swedish girl who married a rich black guy. There were NOT a ton of options. That being said she is rediculously hot…

          Thanks Trisho!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 8, 2010 | Reply

  3. NICE! Romantic and noble and timely! I loved the nod to Tiger and that SMOKING picture. Are those trees near where you are? Those are cool as hell. Loved the accent from down the highway here, in da city! Great story, Scott, and still laughing.

    Comment by Dan McGinley | March 8, 2010 | Reply

    • Thanks for the compliments Dan. I’m not sure I did a great job with the accent tho….it was supposed to be Swedish…oops.

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 8, 2010 | Reply

  4. I missed you. The problem now is I want to backtrack and read every word you’ve written since I moved.

    Comment by Claire Collins | March 8, 2010 | Reply

    • I hope you do Claire. I did some great stuff a few months ago, but have been slacking off lately. I’m so busy with work….agh! I’m glad you’re back!

      Thanks Claire!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 8, 2010 | Reply

  5. If you had been my professor back in the day, I might have made something of myself. “Education Made Simple” reality show?

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | March 8, 2010 | Reply

    • What ever you are, you are something Rooster. No doubt about that.

      I was thinking more along the lines of a movie starring myself as a hard, but lovable teacher in the inner city, fighting personal demons as well as the gang culture. Or has that been done?

      Thanks Rooster!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 8, 2010 | Reply

      • You could carry a bat… with nails driven through it. And throw some zombies in there damn it… and a pregnancy.

        Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | March 15, 2010 | Reply

        • Love all of your ideas. They’re added as of now….SOLD!

          Thanks Rooster!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 15, 2010 | Reply

  6. You had me at smoking hot blond. History is always more interesting if you include a great set of tits. Did I just say that? I did and I stand by them…it. 😀

    Comment by Fundamental Jelly | March 8, 2010 | Reply

    • I agree FJ, and I’ll stand beside them too. And you as well. Just wait until you hear my version of Joan of Arc, Catherine the Great, and in modern history Margaret Thatcher.

      Thanks FJ!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 8, 2010 | Reply

      • I can hardly wait, Margaret T was one foxy wo-man. History will not be complete until we get Margaret Thatcher and Julia Child to mud wrestle. Janet Reno could also be in on this fantasy.

        Comment by Fundamental Jelly | March 8, 2010 | Reply

        • Now I’m gonna have to take a valium just to calm myself down. It’s getting a little too hot in here.

          Thanks FJ!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 8, 2010 | Reply

  7. … with Germaine Greer as umpire

    Comment by nursemyra | March 8, 2010 | Reply

    • Ah yea, she’d love that! And look sexy as hell while doing it. I wonder if she’d be willing to do it naked?

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 8, 2010 | Reply

  8. Even more than it was funny, that was quite well-written. Nicely done, my good man. Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | March 8, 2010 | Reply

    • Thanks buddy that means a lot coming from you. I like to mix my history with spice….kind of like a Catherine Neville thing.

      Thanks Matt-Man!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 8, 2010 | Reply

  9. What a touching, heart-warming story. So beautiful.

    “Once you go Moor, you never go poor!”

    That’s pretty freaking hilarious.

    Great stuff man. GREAT stuff!

    Comment by Jay | March 8, 2010 | Reply

    • It was true back then too. Those guys were beasts, they ran this part of Europe for a long time.

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 8, 2010 | Reply

  10. “I want da snow”…love that line!

    Great story, Scott.

    Comment by Pamela Villars | March 8, 2010 | Reply

    • That was my very best attempt to perform a Swedish accent….

      Thanks Pamela!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 9, 2010 | Reply

  11. You may have had FJ at smoking hot blonde, but you had me at ridiculously talented Moorish conqueror. Really, they just don’t make them like that anymore. (Trust me, I know)

    So many gems in here, Scott. Worth their weight in blow. All I can say is you are truly the “Aesop of the 21st century”. Or, Aescott, if you will.

    (Er, please disregard that last sentence. I think I may have gotten too much sun today.)

    I can’t wait to read more of these, Scott. Funny, funny stuff.

    Comment by bschooled | March 9, 2010 | Reply

    • That settles it then. You have to come visit me here, and we’ll jaunt over to Morocco where you will find a ridiculously talented Moorish conqueror. They are definitely worth their weight in blow…well actually hash. Which is heavier per cubic centimeter and all.

      Where in the hell was I? Oh yea, come visit!

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 9, 2010 | Reply

  12. Well, he made it snow, but as usual the hoes were looking for someone to make it rain.

    Oh, well. At least there was nearly enough blow to go around. Heady stuff, Scott. Mind-boggling, even.

    The photo of Gilda is somewhat distracting, but I think it adds so much to the piece while asking so little in return. (Just some blow, please.)

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | March 9, 2010 | Reply

    • Blow or money…money or blow..do they want rain or do they want snow? These are the questions that plague our generation. If they’d only make up their minds it would end all the confusion.

      As for your last question; do you want the Jesus connect? I’ll hook you up.

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 9, 2010 | Reply

  13. Fantastic story……all he needed was some blow..magin that……you da king of da storytellin for sure….zman sends

    Comment by zmanowner | March 9, 2010 | Reply

    • Thanks brother. WIsh I was the king of rock tho..or the king of Capri…

      Thanks ZMAN!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 10, 2010 | Reply

  14. There is something about this story that seems vaguely familiar…I just can’t quite put my finger on it.

    Are there rich female Moors still lurking there in Spain that could save me from living a life of modest means?

    Comment by David | March 10, 2010 | Reply

    • History often repeats itself doesn’t it my friend?

      The rich female Moors are in extremely short supply these days, sorry. However Europe is overflowing with rich, chubby women looking for a ‘companion.’ All you’d have to do is slick your hair back, act arrogantly and learn the fine art of spray tanning.

      Thanks David!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 11, 2010 | Reply

  15. I smell a Lifetime Movie of The Week!

    Comment by dianne | March 11, 2010 | Reply

    • You’re brilliant Dianne! Will you help me pitch it to them? They’ll probably want me to add a rape and some spousal abuse, but I’m willing to sell out.

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 11, 2010 | Reply


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