Zodi’s Blog

American History TEX

After reading Matt-Man’s blog and learning that the Texas State Board of Education is planning to literally rewrite history (you can read an article about it here) I knew I had to find out how this might affect our future. So I did what any batshit crazy person would do and had my friend Crazy Ass Gypsy Lady do some time traveling. She brought back some ‘kick ass, futuristic brown’ for herself and brought me an essay from 2082. This paper was/is/will be written by little James Cole the VIII for his 7th grade American History class.

A Brief History of Why Jesus Loves America Best and Why America is the Greatest Country in the History of the World. By Jimmy Cole…

After other European explorers tried and failed to find the New World, Christopher Columbus, a Christian missionary, found it by divine intervention while spreading the Gospel. He called it America and it was God’s gift to the righteous! The first colonies were set up shortly after and the Native American Injuns agreed to allow the Lord’s people to have the land God gifted them. Hallelujah!

Shortly after this, the evil tyrants of the British Empire decided to try and steal America and destroy the Free Enterprise System. These brave first Americans threw all the Brits sissy tea in the Jacksonville harbor, then they stomped em good!

In August of 1776 America, led by John Calvin, signed the Declaration of Independence. Calvin then appointed George Washington to be our first President of the United States of God. Hallilujah!

Victory!

God blessed his land and everything was going according to His plan until 1861 when the Northern Yankees started causing trouble, as they do. A great big war broke out, but the South, led by Robert E Lee, stomped em good. After praying about it, the Southern leaders decided to free all the slaves, and made the Northerners do it too. –This proves that God’s will isn’t always what you want to do, but you gotta do it anyways. Even if it don’t make no sense.

In 1914 a bunch of Godless nations started WWI, but we Americans came prepared and stomped em good.

In 1929 the American Stock Exchange crashed because the liberals tried to set regulations on God-fearing businesses. –Well, we learned right then what happens when people try to mess with God’s Free Enterprise System!

Adolf Hitler Obama

Adolf Hitler Obama

Just as the republicans were fixing all the damages that the democrats had caused, a socialist, atheist, black Nazi named Adolf Hitler Obama started WWII. Other heathen nations like Italy and Japan joined his side and attacked us. The entire world was scared and wanted to give up and surrender except us. We knew we had God on our side so we fought back and stomped em good. We saved the rest of the world too, even thought they didn’t deserve it. Hallelujah! 

Everything was right as rain again until the 1960’s. This was when a large group of drug-addicted, Satan worshiping liberals started causing all sorts of trouble for the righteous people of God. They were killing their own babies and burning their undergarments and everything. This was also before the time that homosexuality became a death penalty offence, and they got up to all sorts of that abomination too. Because of Satan’s uprising all sorts of bad stuff happened…

– President Kennedy was assassinated in New York City -1963
– Charles Blackman carried rifle up a bell tower in Boston and killed 14 people -1966
– MLK and Malcolm X (both rabble-rousers) were assassinated by Louis Farrakhan in Los Angeles -1968. This was also the first example of Islamic terrorism on our hallowed soil.

Then President Nixon had to save the world from the Communists so we had to go to Vietnam and stomp em good. Sadly, after achieving victory on the world stage, the Lord called upon Nixon to step down in order to further spread the Good Word by opening missions in South America.

In the 1980’s the Great American Christian Revival began and the real Americans all turned back to God. Hallelujah! Our beloved country was living in peace and prosperity until Bill Clinton cheated his way into office. The man was an adulterer and even murdered four people while he was President. God became angry with us and punished New Orleans (the only sinful city in the South) with a hurricane and flood. –See? We need to be mindful of the past (Noah’s days) or we are doomed to repeat it.

The Fiery Bush

 

The Good Lord forgave us (as he does) and gave us W Bush! This made the evil people angry and in 2001 a bunch of liberal, socialist Muslims attacked us in New York City. At least it was in New York, where they never really did accept Christ anyway.

W Bush did what the Lord told him to do and fought back. First he stomped em in Afghanistan and then he stomped em in Iraq.

Then for some reason there appeared to be a very dark time in American history. There is nothing at all in the textbook between 2008 and 2012, nothing until our greatest President in history, Sarah Palin became the first female president and changed our country forever!

To be continued…..  .

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March 16, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , ,

41 Comments »

  1. I love the Jesus mural behind W. Sadly, the history rewrite that they are wanting probably won’t be too far off of this. I love the smartassed-ness in your writing, lol. The ending is scary, though. I shuddered.

    Comment by Mrs. D | March 16, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m guessing it’ll be pretty similar too. My smart ass appreciates your love!

      If you think that was scary, wait until part 2….

      Thanks Mrs. D!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 16, 2010 | Reply

  2. Excellent, amigo. If Texas wants to cull itself from this great nation, than on the basis of their ridiculous rewriting of history, I say let em. Put a friggin electric fence around the whole state and write laws stating any Texan wanting to cross into the states take a socio-religious test verifying evolution. If they fail, shoot em 🙂

    Comment by jammer5 | March 16, 2010 | Reply

    • This is a great idea Jammer. But I’m not sure how it may affect the space time continuum now that we’ve started messing with it. What will become of little Jimmy?

      The serious problems are going to occur when these kids grow up….alongside all the home-schooled kids…

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 16, 2010 | Reply

      • Said in jest, Scott. What happens when these kids are let loose on the real world and find they are laughed at? Not good for the id, to say the least.

        As for the space time continuum: is it possible to put Texas into quantum space?

        Comment by jammer5 | March 16, 2010 | Reply

        • No, not good for the id or the ego really. I’d love to put all the fundies into space. They’d be closer to God this way!

          Thanks Jammer!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 20, 2010 | Reply

  3. […] out the door. They are doing a disservice to both this nation and the children of Texas.  Read Zodi’s response to the Texas decisions; it’s an […]

    Pingback by Texas and the abuse of history. « JAMMER5'S POLYRANT | March 16, 2010 | Reply

  4. Hilarious posts dude. So over the top that it’s actually believable. I think you’ve just been hired to write the new history books for Texas schools.

    The only thing you’ll need to add is how Texas launched a war against the United States and stomped ’em good and then the US joined Texas to make a super awesome country. Because Texans are so humble, they allowed this country to keep the name of the United States. Cause, just like Jesus, Texans have respect and love for their defeated opponents.

    Comment by Jay | March 16, 2010 | Reply

    • You know what they say Jay; everything’s bigger in Texas, even the perversion of history.

      I’m actually angling for a gig with the rewriting. A brothers got to eat…you know? I might play around with your idea; they’d believe it right now for fact.

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 16, 2010 | Reply

  5. HAHA!!!

    Although it makes me a little sad that a seventh grader can drop more political names and terms down than I can pick up, I’m proud of the fact that even though I’m not known for my political-aptitude (or correctness, for that matter),I understood (most) of what he wrote!

    (Sure, people may say “Well, this isn’t all about you,” but really, who cares about those people.)

    Regardless, this kid is a genius! Not only is his grammar impeccable (true story!), he sees things that other people, people like us, may have overlooked.

    I don’t know about you, but I’m not all that keen on drug-addicted, Satan worshippers, nor do I enjoy the thought of being stuck in a boat with a bunch of smelly animals for God knows how long. (Seriously, you’ll have to ask him, I can’t remember.)

    Kickassic stuff, Scott. Jimmy Cole is my new safety word.

    Comment by bschooled | March 16, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m ecstatic that you were able to pick up (most) of what little Jimmy was putting down. If you ask 100 American students to name one significant event in Canadian History…or even your system of government…. or even to name the Prime Minister, 99 couldn’t come close. On the other hand George Rush St-Pierre and Molson are both really hot in the states right now. So there’s that!

      No, I’m not into drug-addicted, Satan worshippers either B. They always waste all the good drugs in trying to ‘please’ Satan. Plus they usually end up harshing my buzz, what with all the chanting and all.

      I think they were on the boat (which I might like. I love monkeys!) for 40 Days and 40 Nights…or was that just an awful movie about abstinence.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 17, 2010 | Reply

      • Haha!

        “Dudes! Quit harshing my buzz!”

        (sounds better when you can hear the intonation in my voice)

        Comment by bschooled | March 17, 2010 | Reply

  6. AND…that Texas is it’s own Nation alone. They even have a embassy in England.
    http://www.texasembassy.com/

    They is, after all, God’s chosen people.
    Jimmy cole is a great example of our world-leading education system.

    Comment by Candy | March 16, 2010 | Reply

    • Holy Crap Candy, that’s unbelievable. I’ve been to London four times and didn’t know that. I think when we go again in June, I’m going to go stand outside of it and smoke Marlboros, drink Budweiser and strike up random conversations with a Texas drawl…you know, just to get the pulse of the people.

      Thanks Candy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 17, 2010 | Reply

  7. Poor em. All that stomping…..

    Comment by nursemyra | March 16, 2010 | Reply

    • hahaha, I just hope it wasn’t Eminem, I kinda like that white boy.

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 17, 2010 | Reply

  8. >>>These brave first Americans threw all the Brits sissy tea in the Jacksonville harbor

    Oh you silly boy, you have been misled by your reporters and agents – maybe they thought they could trick you since you’re living an alien lifestyle over there in that Europa.

    Anyhoo – Since the history is being re-written in TexAss, that tea was dumped into Galveston Bay, not in Jacksonville.

    Great post Scott.

    Comment by David | March 16, 2010 | Reply

    • Really? I guess Jimmy got his textbooks from Tallahassee then. I hope the information was at least correct about all the other stuff. It would be embarrassing to send children out into the world with misinformation. Nah, they must be right, God would’ve told them if they were wrong.

      Thanks David!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 17, 2010 | Reply

  9. Texas is allowed to do this sort of thing as they have enough square mileage to operate as an autonomous country should the need arise. The only state that can challenge them is Alaska, but seeing as it’s not contiguous, it would need to obtain a passport before being allowed to traverse the Canadian wilderness and kick the ever-living shit out of Texas.

    This obviously won’t happen as a.)Canada has heard too many comments from travellers about “just passing through,” and b.)Alaska is usually very busy keeping an eye on the Russkies.

    Horrifying stuff, Scott. Horrifyingly funny, with a muddy and dangerous undercurrent of godawful truth. And Truthers. (The more of those we can toss into the undertow, the better.)

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | March 16, 2010 | Reply

    • You bring up a very interesting point, and a lot of future blogging potential for me as well. What exactly would happen if the tough, armed cowboys of Texas had an all out was with the tough guy, armed fisherman and pipe-line workers of Alaska for the sole possession of ‘real America?’

      I smell a damn reality show if not an all out high budget summer blockbuster. I’ll definitely need you on my team (entirely your team) though…..?

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 17, 2010 | Reply

  10. Thank goodness someone knows their history …Wiki is full of shit!

    Comment by frigginloon | March 17, 2010 | Reply

    • Don’t worry, this stuff will be on Wiki soon enough….well, conservapedia at the very least!

      Thanks Frigginloon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 17, 2010 | Reply

  11. How did Jimmy Cole miss such an important piece of history, you know, that big Texas chain saw war? I heard it was a massacre.

    Comment by Micky-T | March 17, 2010 | Reply

    • Much like all the other ‘unfortunate incidences’ in Texas history, they swept the massacre under the rug of New Hampshire. Doesn’t have the same ring to it anymore though…

      Thanks Micky!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 17, 2010 | Reply

  12. do you write news for FOX?

    Comment by dianne | March 17, 2010 | Reply

    • Not Yet Dianne, not yet. But soon me thinks!

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 17, 2010 | Reply

  13. “At least it was in New York, where they never really did accept Christ anyway.”

    And they STILL won the world series, the Satan-loving subway-dwelling batsards from hell! Oops, I kind of like the Big Apple. A most excellant post! You stomped ’em good!

    Comment by Dan McGinley | March 18, 2010 | Reply

    • I swear to God Dan that does seem to be the general attitude and nature of those good God-fearing folks over at Rapture Ready. I made myself quit reading those forums now. It was entertaining and all, but I began to feel a blackness trying to eat my soul….seriously.

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 19, 2010 | Reply

  14. Too close for comfort, Scott. You just did the work for them.

    I beg everyone to remember that not all Texans are crazy. We’re really not. Really. I mean it.

    Comment by Pamela Villars | March 18, 2010 | Reply

    • Oh I know you guys aren’t crazy, not many of you anyway. You guys have some of the best people, cities and scenery in the world. It’s just the ultra conservative nut jobs that are going to be influencing the rest of the county. I’m beginning to think religion, in the hands of the wrong people with power….might not be such a good thing. Hahahaha

      Thanks Pamela!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 19, 2010 | Reply

  15. How sad for the next generation of children.

    Comment by Reb | March 18, 2010 | Reply

    • I totally agree Reb. There has to be national standards on history and science. Otherwise these kids are never going to have a chance.

      Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 19, 2010 | Reply

  16. Hee Hee…You’ll probably be asked to be a guest on the Glenn Beck show any minute. Funny stuff. Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | March 20, 2010 | Reply

    • I’d do it in a New York minute too. I’d love to argue him into a corner…

      Thanks Matt-Man!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 20, 2010 | Reply

  17. That’s pretty awesome! Are you a CLTU graduate? It’s also exciting because I’m planning on buying the word “Hallelujah” for future residuals. The future looks bright!

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | March 22, 2010 | Reply

    • No, I’m only a graduate of Street Cred. Which is oddly enough an accredited business college. I just can’t figure out why Microsoft won’t buy my specialty rock?

      Thanks Rooster!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 22, 2010 | Reply

  18. […] American History Tex II This is the second half of James Cole’s 7th grade essay on American history, which is written in the year 2082. If you haven’t read the first half, and it’s a must, you can do so here..     […]

    Pingback by American History Tex II « Zodi’s Blog | March 22, 2010 | Reply

  19. You are officially my hero and great minds blog alike! lol.

    Comment by Miranda | May 24, 2010 | Reply


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