Zodi’s Blog

American History Tex II

This is the second half of James Cole’s 7th grade essay on American history, which is written in the year 2082. If you haven’t read the first half, and it’s a must, you can do so here..    

A Brief History of Why Jesus Loves America Best and Why America is the Greatest Country in the History of the World. By Jimmy Cole.    

Palin In Bikini With Rifle

Hot huh?

Once Mrs. Palin gained office America immediately took a right turn (oh, a pun!) for the righteous. She was a brilliant, prophetic women and rehired most of former president W’s Justice Department. It was easy too since most were working as Wal-Mart greeters. She also filled her other top positions with graduates or attendees from Americas best Christian colleges.    

Even God himself decided to intervene our behalf because all of the Supreme Court Justices except for Scalia, Thomas and Alito were struck down within Palin’s first year in office. Three died by overdosing on illegal drugs, one died of food poisoning, one died when his car blew up, and one beat himself to death with a bible. Hallelujah!    

Palin and her crack staff then implemented hundreds of changes to our country, finally reflecting that we always were a fundamentalist Christian nation. Prayer was brought back into our schools in a major way. The United States officially debunked the theories of evolution, climate change and even the silly ‘round earth’ theory.    

She came up with new and creative ways to get our nation out of the burgeoning dept that liberals and their ilk had put us under for generations. One of her most innovative ideas was to sell control of big government institutions to corporations. We now had the…    

-R.J. Reynolds, ATF    

-Correction Corp of America, Bureau of Prisons         

-Kraft, USDA    

-Bank of America, IRS    

-Halliburton, CIA, FBI and DOD    

-NASCAR, DOT and DMV    

-Pfizer, FDA    

-Merrill Lynch, SEC    

I pledge allegiance

I pledge allegiance

We believe that this helped our bottom line considerably, but the figures are no longer available for public nosiness. She also decided to go ahead and drill for oil everywhere that there might be some. It was hit or miss, or hit and spill but it helped wean our dependence on those grubby Arabs!        

President Palin’s fifth term in office was her busiest by far. In 1934 she moved the nation’s capitol and even the Colgate® White House to Lincoln Nebraska, right to the heart of America. In 2035 she grew tired of the lord’s tarrying and tried to get him to hurry up and rapture us. So she started a nuclear war with all non-evangelical Christian nations. Which was pretty much everybody else. I think we stomped em, we had enough nukes to do it, but because all communications were down we don’t know for sure. But the few nukes that did hit us ended up lighting all the oil we had been sitting on and as far as I know the country is still burning above. Like a heavenly tire fire! I guess the good lord will not be rushed after all.    

Picture brave new world

Brave New World

But as I sit here and write this essay, by candlelight in a church basement/fallout shelter and reflect, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is what John Calvin would have wanted for us. For this is once again a simpler time. There are no more nosy-parkers of the internet, no more value eroding TV shows, no more cell phones or IPods, no more nothing. But we have God, and that’s all we really need. Hallelujah!

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March 22, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , ,

50 Comments »

  1. Praise Jeebus!! How I wish this would all come true. I yearn for days where the glory of Gawd and Glenn Beck rule the world. For they are good. Plus we’ll have gotten rid of all those baby killin’ doctors and legislators. Amen. Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | March 22, 2010 | Reply

    • That’s what she said. Wait that line didn’t really work there. Anyway Matt, I feel your yearn. Hopefully we’ll all have to keep on yearning, because if she gets in…screw Spain, I’m moving to Iceland.

      Thanks Matt-Man!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 22, 2010 | Reply

    • Iceland? ur crazy its too cold there…

      Comment by Susi Spice | March 24, 2010 | Reply

      • I know, I hate the cold. But Iceland may be the only place far enough from the fallout radiation….

        Thanks Susi!!

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 24, 2010 | Reply

        • hahaha very true very true!!!

          guess those Virgin space flights arent looking so bad now huh

          Comment by Susi Spice | March 24, 2010 | Reply

  2. Ooh you’re right part 2 IS much scarier. Palin would be terrifying in office… I pray it never comes to that. It’s not that she’s GOP, it’s just that she’s CRAZY. I’d take 4 more terms of W than 1 of her. That’s saying something.

    Comment by 3 Men and a Lady | March 22, 2010 | Reply

    • No you’re right, I don’t hate republicans in general, but if that vitriolic, fear mongering, hateful bitch did get in…I’d almost guarantee a nuclear war. She truly does believe that the rapture is going to occur soon so why wouldn’t she ‘hurry it up’ a little?

      And yea, I’d take Bush back for 4 more. If only for the great satirical possibilities.

      Thanks Mrs. D!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 22, 2010 | Reply

  3. I knew Haliburton ran all those agencies!! I just knew it!
    there is hope for me, perhaps Satan is not as deep in my NYC liberal jewish jesus killer heart as my republican witch doctor said it was

    I may be saved!!

    I’m off to salute a flag and then go kick some Mexican workers at the Walmart

    Comment by dianne | March 22, 2010 | Reply

    • You betcha they do Dianne. And thanks to the ‘lobbyist factor’ corporations also run the rest of the country for all intense porpoises.

      I wouldn’t worry too much about your salvation either Dianne; your NYC, liberal, Jewish, Jesus killer ass is more ‘Christian’ than three fourths of the ‘Christians’ I’ve heard from lately.

      If you’re heading to Wal-Mart give the Mexicans a hug and kick a former W Justice Department official for me!

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 23, 2010 | Reply

      • ‘intense porpoises’ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        Oh sweet Jeebus, I fucking adore you

        Comment by dianne | March 23, 2010 | Reply

        • Thanks Dianne, I fucking adore you too. For Realzzzz!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 23, 2010 | Reply

  4. F-ing brilliant! Love the flag and the apocalyptic ending.

    Comment by Pamela Villars | March 22, 2010 | Reply

    • I loved that flag too, found it on google images. Pretty damn accurate state of affairs IMHO.

      Thanks Pamela, that is my favorite compliment!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 23, 2010 | Reply

  5. *shudder* Sarah Palin in office??? A horrific nightmare, you becha!

    Comment by Candy | March 22, 2010 | Reply

    • That could NOT ever really happen could it? Could it…..? AAOOHHH SHIT!

      Thanks Candy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 23, 2010 | Reply

  6. Although I know that pic is photoshoped, I still get off on it (for non-political reasons, of course).

    Comment by Heff | March 22, 2010 | Reply

    • Yea, there’s nothing quite like ‘hate sex’ is there?

      Thanks Heff!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 23, 2010 | Reply

    • oh Heff, I worry for your soul 😉

      Comment by nursemyra | March 23, 2010 | Reply

  7. I only wish I knew half these people you were talking about, Scott.

    I swear, before you, my political/religious/American ignorance never bothered me much. But now, I feel as though it’s holding me back and bringing you down. As if you want a doppleganger (or whatever we decided I was) who “just doesn’t get it.”

    The problem is that when you say Sarah Palin, I think Tina Fey. You say John Calvin, I think Calvin Klein. You say “church basement/fallout shelter”, I laugh, because…well, I guess it’s because thanks to you, I’m slowly learning.

    I have a feeling it’s only a matter of time. You taught me about Fundies, there’s no reason why the bubble I currently live in can’t expand even further, right?

    Right?

    Comment by bschooled | March 23, 2010 | Reply

    • To the best of my knowledge, that’s what doppelgangers do for each other B, share life altering knowledge and information. Also I think they are supposed to be donors for each other vital organs…like 30% of your….I mean each others liver. But that’s a conversation for another day. A day fast approaching BTW.

      Anyway, you’ve helped me so much more than I’ve helped you (and you didn’t even give me your liver yet) so far. You’ve opened my eyes to a world of art, literature and culture that I didn’t even know existed before you came into my life.

      What I’m saying is that you complete me, or soon will….we really have to talk.

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 23, 2010 | Reply

      • HAHA! The fact you’d even want 30% of my liver is touching, Scott.

        To think that it has spent the last fifteen years being forced to work like a child slave, only to realize that maybe, just maybe, this isn’t the end after all?

        (Well, for 30% of it, at least…)

        Comment by bschooled | March 23, 2010 | Reply

        • I know. Right? I really, seriously thought I’d die at 27. What the hell happenned? I did everything I was supposed to and everything.

          I love love love the child labor analogy!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 23, 2010 | Reply

    • I can’t believe you don’t know Sarah Palin. You live in Canada, right? You can just look out your kitchen window and see her! She’s the lady with the knockers, right in front of Russia.

      Comment by barelyknittogether | March 28, 2010 | Reply

  8. “Correction Corp of America, Bureau of Prisons”

    Actually I think we have this already. We have so many private prisons, and they lobby states to increase mandatory sentences to keep the prisons full so they can keep charging the taxpayers exorbitant fees.

    Anyway, your version of American history now officially scares me. It’s just all too real dude. 😉

    Comment by Jay | March 23, 2010 | Reply

    • I know in Pittsburgh there was an expose written about Aramark and the county jail. They received something like 89 dollars a day for each prisoner, and came out to spend 12 dollars a day for each, which was including ‘room and board.’ They were feeding each prisoner under $1.50 worth of food a day without meeting the RDA on anything but carbs.

      It’s like a freaking sci-fi movie really too. If you’re poor they railroad you through the system to make money on your ‘body.’ It’s a wonder we have the largest prison pop in the world huh?

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 23, 2010 | Reply

  9. I want that flag! We should fly it over every “secured” area in Iraq and Afghanistan. We could also fly Sara Palin – you know – by the neck . . .

    Comment by Dan McGinley | March 23, 2010 | Reply

    • Isn’t it great? I’m in negotiations with Michael Coors to put out a line of corporate flag based clothing as we speak. It’ll look a lot like Hilfiger’s recent ‘puke on fabric’ style, but be worth it considering we’ll get paid before we sell a single cargo pant!

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 24, 2010 | Reply

      • Nice! Close the deal mi amigo! I still partake of a little Coors Lite now and then. To the mountains!

        Comment by Dan McGinley | March 24, 2010 | Reply

  10. I lived in Lincoln, NE for about a year and if that’s the heart of America, it sorely needs a triple-bypass. It constantly bleeds Husker-red and the street naming conventions were the worst I’ve seen outside of St. Paul, MN.

    All in all, though, it seems to be a much better deal than living in the Republic of Texas, seeing as life expectancy should be dropping through the floor, what with their lack of education and views on the medical practice, which has been treated as a “dark art.” Because honestly, if God wanted us to live out long, fruitful lives he wouldn’t be killing us all off with something horrible that has a readily available vaccine or that can be treated with early discovery.

    The life expectancy really drops when you factor in the prison population, which is collectively known as Dead Men Walking. Especially the weed dealers.

    Heartpounding stuff, Scott, especially considering the child behind it, who may one day force a recount that makes him President of Texas and Godless, Outlying States.

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | March 24, 2010 | Reply

    • You lived in Lincoln? That should be good for a lifetime of blog experience, I’d reckon. (is that how you say reckon?) But I don’t think I’d mind St Paul too much, other than the whole hating cold and cloudy weather thing. It seems like it has a big city grit…an intangible element that I’d enjoy. But everything I know about it is from John Sanford novels so who knows?

      I guess they love to execute their weed dealers down there because weed tends to make people anti-God, pro-abortion and anti-dragging men to death. They can’t have those values eroded can they?

      I tended to picture young master Cole as an optimistic version of the kid in The Road. So President of Texas….for sure!

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 24, 2010 | Reply

  11. well, i think if u were to look into all those corporations it would be in the fine print that said “Pfizer owned by China-Pharm Corp” and “Halliburton owned by Al-Harab Bin Laden-Bush Alliance Corp”.

    Comment by Susi Spice | March 24, 2010 | Reply

    • Hahaha, that’s why I try to avoid the fine print, especially on stolen pharmaceuticals. You can’t be a drugstore cowboy and a patriotic consumer at the same time. You hit the mark with this comment the same way a morphine drip hits my hangnail discomfort!

      Thanks Susi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 24, 2010 | Reply

  12. You’re amazing.

    What’s it like to live in your brain?

    Comment by Tracy | March 24, 2010 | Reply

    • It’s a fast paced though murky trip to heaven and hell, then back again….I think. Or something like that.

      Thanks Tracy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 24, 2010 | Reply

  13. Dang it all, and here eye wurz gonna vote fer her an’ heruns sose eye culds c da ferture an wats gonna bee dun bout dem sik an twersted liburals, cuz dey dun ruint dis cuntry sose nobudies gonna no nutin but librul stuf en gubment gonna tak ma gunz en lok uz up en dem prizens en et us cuzz Obmama sed soze. Kin eyes berrey a brik, cuz al mind es unda ma truk?

    Comment by jammer5 | March 24, 2010 | Reply

    • I hear you man. I agree with everything you might have just said.

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 25, 2010 | Reply

  14. So, looks like the Mayans were really onto something. Still she looks pretty good in a bikini. And to think I use to hate revisionist history…silly me.

    Comment by Fundamental Jelly | March 24, 2010 | Reply

    • History will always be slightly slanted as it is written by the winners. But taking Jefferson out, taking all of the minorities out….and everything else they’ve done is more than a disservice to our children, it’s a sin.

      Thanks FJ!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 25, 2010 | Reply

  15. First picture is so hot

    Comment by souldose | March 25, 2010 | Reply

    • Ha! You like that? Kind of scares the shit outta me…

      Thanks Souldose!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 25, 2010 | Reply

      • oh thats it, souldose is a nigerian scammer, im going to report them to my federal investigators on scams. ive had about enough of their hounding.

        Comment by Susi Spice | March 25, 2010 | Reply

        • Really? I haven’t looked at the site yet..

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 25, 2010 | Reply

  16. Everyone knows that first photo is doctored; they Photoshopped out the stretch marks.

    Comment by barelyknittogether | March 28, 2010 | Reply

    • Hahahaha, they’re always doing that to her. Girl can’t catch a photoshop break.

      Thanks BKT, great to see you!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 28, 2010 | Reply

  17. That’s a lovely picture of America! Excellent job sharing/shedding truth on the non-believers!

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | March 29, 2010 | Reply

    • You know what I’ve always said, “I am the light of this world.” Maybe that wasn’t exactly me, but it could have been.

      Thanks Rooster!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 29, 2010 | Reply

  18. Bravo!

    Comment by Miranda | May 24, 2010 | Reply


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