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Jesse James info

Sex: Hell yea

Birth date: 4-19-1969-hell yea

Current City: 90210 bitch

Relationship Status: Married

Looking for: How about some f**king discretion

Activities: Building Choppers, staying sober, casual dining, everything tattoo, sunsets, and long walks on the beach.

Interests: Bikes not booze, babes not blow, crack not crack, hotties not heroin.

Music: Luther Vandross, Barry White, anything by Rhapsody, and bad jazz.   

TV Shows: I don’t watch TV.

Movies: Every Jesse James movie ever made. My great, great grandpa was the original Jesse James’ cousin!

Books: How to’s and do it yourselfs’. And anything about my relation Jesse James.

Quotes: “I see myself as an intelligent, sensitive human, with the soul of a clown which forces me to blow it at the most important moments” –Morrison. “God is Dead” –Nietzsche

About Me: I’m a soft-spoken, self starter who will ‘get er done.’ I’ve perfected the arts of being ‘grownup cute’ and having puppy dog eyes. I’ve worked hard and married above my station. I’m a humble, good guy. (Even though I’m related to Jesse James)

 

Jesse James Wall

Recent Activity

March 7th Jesse James– My beautiful and talented wife brought home the gold (and the bacon lol) again! SO proud of you hunny!

Tim McGraw, Kathy Bates and 17 others Like This.

 

March 8th Jesse James found the secret stash in Mafia Wars and needs your help to launder it.

March 13th Jesse James– Wifey is dragging me to a stupid thing at stupid Wal-Mart tonight.

~Stedman Graham– I know how it can be….stinks sometimes. But hey, they’ll probably have cake!

~K-Fed– Brit always used to make me go to those wack-ass promo things. But as long as homegirl is stackin that paper it’s all good in the hood! Yo call me. I need a fiz-avor!

 

March 14th Brad Pitt– Dude. Stop calling me. It was just a movie. Just because I played a character doesn’t mean I want a history class. I heard he’s not even your uncle or whatever you say he is any-damn-way. No, I don’t want to ‘hang out’ with you, so leave me the hell alone.

~Jesse James– I’ll email you later but I just found something about Robert Ford on Wiki that I think you’ll be interested in. It seems that in……

          Read more……

 

March 15th Jesse James– Oh that lying, stinking, Irish skank! Some people will do anything for their 15 minutes of fame! I hope nobody believes this crap. I wouldn’t f**k her with Donald Trump’s dick!

Donald Trump, Kobe Bryant, and Bill Clinton Like This.

~K-Fed– Them dirty bitches be lyin man! I got your back yo. Call me when you get a minute.

~Bill Clinton– I feel your pain brother. As long as you didn’t leave any ‘DNA’ you should be ok. And oral isn’t sex. If that’s what you did. Is that what you did? If you have any video or photographic evidence of anything send it to me and I’ll be happy to take care of it.

~Jesse James– Now Sandra moved out. I’m finished.

~K-Fed– House Partay!

~Tiger Woods– Look Jesse, lying in these situations doesn’t get you anywhere but in a deep sand trap of shit. Too many people are trying to knock you down when you’re on top of the world. I should know. You need to just man-up and handle your business. Squash this shit while you have the chance!

~ K-Fed– @Tiger “Handle your business? Man up? Squash this?” You sound blacker than me for once. Congratulations.

 

March 17th Jesse James changed his relationship status to ‘it’s complicated.’

March 18th Tim McGraw– You are a piece of shit, you know that? She’s way too good for you, and I done told her that too. I hope you go straight to hell you slimy …..biker guy.

~Jesse James– FUCKYOU YOU REDNECK FUCK! You don’t want to make me mad. You won’t like me when I’m mad. You don’t know my bloodline, so back the fuck off!

~Tim McGraw– Oh look at the class! I know you’re not related to the REAL Jesse James, everybody knows that. You’re making yourself look like a fool. And I never liked you!

~Jesse James– I’ll bet you’re right there with the shoulder to cry on huh? Hey I have an idea! Why don’t you take your shit-kicking hat, shove it up your shit-kicking ass, and mosey right the fuck back to whatever shit-kicking town you came from. GO CHEW ON SOME HAY YOU FUCKING FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~K-Fed– @Tim- Yea fuck you!

 

March 18th Jay Leno– Sorry if this is a bad time but is my Chopper done yet? It’s like two months behind schedule and I feel like I’m being a little disrespected. I’m just saying…..

March 20th Mel Gibson– Jesse you really need to call your sponsor and get to a meeting. Nobody has seen you for awhile and we are all worried and praying for you. Maybe now would be a good time to accept Christ into your heart?

~Alice Cooper- Mel’s right, call me.

                                                

March 22nd Jesse James– I made my amends. I’ve done everything I can do. People (Sandra and ‘friends’) need to forgive me and forget about it. Is she going to have a heart and take me back? What do you guys think????

~Tiger Woods– You have to be patient. Keep with the sad faces and things will eventually work themselves out. It does help to be the main bread-winner of the family though. 

~Mark Sanford– No. Women are spiteful, hateful creatures. She’ll be on Stewart next month promoting a book she wrote about your inadequate penis size. We should move to South America and live the good life.

~ Hugh Grant– Can’t say. These birds are bloody unpredictable. Idn’t it?

~Kobe Bryant– Were you found innocent in court? @Tiger- yea man, that cash do help.

~K-Fed– If not I got two words for you…Alimony! I can put you in touch with my guy, he’s a beast!! You still didn’t call me yet?  

~Bill Clinton– If you can convince her it was only oral…then yes, she’ll come back. (but she’ll be bitchy like forever) Was it oral? Send me a tape. Yea?      

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March 28, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , ,

61 Comments »

  1. Oh my god, this is a thing of beauty. I came to catch up and I am not disappointed, Scott. Sorry I’ve been gone so long. Missed you!

    Comment by barelyknittogether | March 28, 2010 | Reply

    • Hey BKT! I’ve (we’ve all) missed the hell out of you. It’s great to see you back in the humorsphere. Glad you stopped by and hope you ‘sit a spell.’ As Tim might say.

      Thanks BKT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 28, 2010 | Reply

  2. the wall conversations!! OMFG! how brilliant, how perfect

    and I loved ‘crack not crack’

    Comment by dianne | March 28, 2010 | Reply

    • Glad you got that, I was afraid people might think it was a typo. You gotta love FB drama.

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 28, 2010 | Reply

  3. LOL! That’s freaking awesome dude! Great stuff man.

    Comment by Jay | March 28, 2010 | Reply

    • This was the most fun I had writing in a long while. Glad it showed.

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 28, 2010 | Reply

  4. One of your best kind sirrah!

    Comment by Dave Hambidge | March 28, 2010 | Reply

    • Either this, the gypsy interviews or the reality shows I think.

      Thanks Dave!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 28, 2010 | Reply

  5. You are one glorious hilarious bastard. Thanks for this.

    Comment by David | March 28, 2010 | Reply

    • Now that sounds like a compliment Tarentino would give. Love it!

      Thanks David!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 28, 2010 | Reply

  6. Damn, that was a pretty good idea. Wish I would have come up with that myself. 😉

    Comment by Candice | March 28, 2010 | Reply

    • I got the idea the other day when watching two girls I grew up with going at it on FB. When personal shit airs in such a public forum, it’s always good for a laugh.

      Thanks Candice!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 28, 2010 | Reply

  7. Bravo! well done.. i enjoyed the read.

    Comment by Lynn | March 28, 2010 | Reply

  8. 30,000 new hits of this one! Loved it and hated it at the same time – like watching a car crash.

    Comment by Pamela Villars | March 28, 2010 | Reply

    • I feel that ‘loved it hated it’ emotion after watching James Cameron movies…but I haven’t seen Avatar yet so that could change in a heartbeat. Car crash…indeed.

      Thanks Pamela!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 29, 2010 | Reply

  9. Loved it! That was genius! The “likes” are my favorite part, so subtle and yet make such a point. Bravo!

    Comment by Mrs. D | March 28, 2010 | Reply

    • Glad you liked the likes. After Jesse first denied it and the Donald ‘liked’ the line about his penis was just plain fun to write.

      Thanks Mrs. D!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 29, 2010 | Reply

  10. LMFAO!!! (And I hardly ever do that!)

    I am truly without speech, Scott.

    All I can say is if you weren’t on my Facebook “Top Wittiest (?) Friends List” before (which you were, so that’s irrelevant), you are now.

    Triple fist-pump!

    Comment by bschooled | March 28, 2010 | Reply

    • If you’ve literally LYFAO then I hope God was in fact willing and granted you that fifth (thing we were discussing earlier). Because, well, you know?

      Does this mean I’m finally expunged from your top friends that spout puerile nonsense list? Yay! Does the triple fist pump mean that you’re with ‘The Situation’ again? Because Snooki’s over here, she’s drunk, she’s horny, and she’s starting to get violent.

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 29, 2010 | Reply

  11. I love the wall. I’m not on FB but this was an interesting read from a cheater’s mind.

    Comment by Corve DaCosta | March 28, 2010 | Reply

    • You have to get on FB, it’s where all the cool kids are hanging out these days.

      Thanks Corve!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 29, 2010 | Reply

      • Ahem, I think the cool kids are on Twitter and you HAVE been invited to sit at the cool table, you know 😉

        Comment by Mrs. D | March 31, 2010 | Reply

        • Haha, I know, I’ll get back on. I just never sit still….it’s my OCD, ADHD, RHS, USDA, PGA proplems and caffiene intake I think.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 31, 2010 | Reply

          • Twitter is PERFECT for those afflicted with ADD, trust me, LOL!

            Comment by Mrs. D | March 31, 2010 | Reply

  12. bahahhahahah hilarious.

    “yo u still didnt call me.”
    lol
    nice one

    Comment by Susi Spice | March 29, 2010 | Reply

    • Now you’re making me realize I could have shortened the writing considerably. I still can’t get the hang of text…

      Thanks Susi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 29, 2010 | Reply

  13. I read that the original JJ was mentally retarded; perhaps it was speaking of the JJ to come? Funny stuff…

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | March 29, 2010 | Reply

    • Really? That’s hard to believe considering how talented he was. It was a lot easier back then though. So you never know…

      Thanks Rooster!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 29, 2010 | Reply

  14. Holy fucking shit, that is amazing!!! You’ve outdone not only yourself, but many others like you, whom I was complimenting only earlier today.

    What killed me the most (and there’s a lot of contenders):

    Alice Cooper: Mel’s right. Call me.

    I know elect your President of the Internets. (Title subject to whimsical removal.)

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | March 29, 2010 | Reply

    • Or rather, “now.”

      Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | March 29, 2010 | Reply

      • Why doesn’t WP allow you to edit your own comments? It’s nice for padding your comment stats though!

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 29, 2010 | Reply

    • And, of course, “you” instead of “your.”

      Fuck it. Back to the Youtube comment threads…

      Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | March 29, 2010 | Reply

    • You’ll have to give me a list of everyone you were complimenting earlier so I can go over to their place…or preferably their FB page, and mercilessly mock them! I’m an ugly winner (and a violent loser).

      Glad you appreciated Alice and Mel’s concern. The whole 12 step crowd and especially the Hollywood 12 step crowd is a goldmine of material. Why can’t they just stop on their own? I did, and I was the worst alky I’ve ever met. But NOO, they need hugs and coffee and meetings….it’s all so fucking gay. (Not gay like homosexual, because I’m cool with that. Gay like we used to say in high school…like stupid.)

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 29, 2010 | Reply

  15. FJ likes this!! Totally hilarious Scott, it completely mocks us all. Home run amigo.

    Comment by Fundamental Jelly | March 29, 2010 | Reply

    • Self mocking is the best mocking. Kind of like flagellation in that regard.

      Thanks FJ!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 29, 2010 | Reply

  16. I liked the Alice Cooper line too

    Comment by nursemyra | March 29, 2010 | Reply

  17. Totally beauyful an tru!!!
    I’m thinkin’ those dudes got skankless old ladies and still latch on to skanky fleamales. WTF is up with that? Probably this:

    Comment by jammer5 | March 29, 2010 | Reply

    • Wait. She turned him out? Hahahaha.

      I’ll never understand these people. Jesse and Tiger have these unbelievable women at home….especially Jesse just because Sandra seems like she’s down, and cool and funny. Why would you mess that up for some nasty ass? I mean when you feel like something different you just masturbate….right?

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 29, 2010 | Reply

  18. NICE! I wonder if the real Jesse James had puppy dog eyes? The Wall part was hysterical . . . our society is doomed, but in a very entertaining way.

    Comment by Dan McGinley | March 29, 2010 | Reply

    • Stephen King has said many times that we won’t go down with a bang but with a whimper. I’m guessing it’ll be followed by a long, bellowing laugh.

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 29, 2010 | Reply

  19. Ha !

    Comment by Heff | March 29, 2010 | Reply

    • Short praise is sweet praise!

      Thanks Heff!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 29, 2010 | Reply

  20. BWAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAAAAAA!!!

    oh Scott, that was genius!!

    KFed? Tiger? Bubba???? muhahahahahahaha!!!
    Oh, homerun on this one dude. Out of the park!

    BTW…KFed sounds like a needy beeyotch..

    Comment by Candy | March 29, 2010 | Reply

    • You know I thought you would like this given your post last week. Glad I was able to amuse you!

      K-Fed is a needy beeyotch. I could see that the first time I saw him mugging for the camera from behind Britney’s shoulder.

      Thanks Candy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 29, 2010 | Reply

  21. This is “bleeping” hilarious! Bravo!

    Trisho

    http://trishothinks.wordpress.com/

    Comment by trishothinks | March 30, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m glad you thought so!

      Thanks Trisho!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 30, 2010 | Reply

  22. Fantastic! I really enjoyed that! Friggin’ brilliant, actually!

    Comment by Another Desert Rat | March 30, 2010 | Reply

    • Thanks, I might try to squeeze one of these out every other week or so. It was fun to do.

      Thanks Desert Rat!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 30, 2010 | Reply

  23. Ha…I hope he never pokes me in any way. Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | March 30, 2010 | Reply

    • I think you’ll be ok, but watch out if Schmoop has a FB page….

      Thanks Matt-Man!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 31, 2010 | Reply

  24. I just defriended the pig 🙂 but might give Alice Cooper a poke, damn born again. Great read LMfudgingAO

    Comment by frigginloon | March 31, 2010 | Reply

    • Yea the pig lost a lot of FB (and real) friends this month. Look me up on there….

      Thanks Frigginloon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 31, 2010 | Reply

  25. This is one of the funniest things I have read in a long while. Thanks for the belly laugh ! Brilliant.

    Comment by colleenincairns | March 31, 2010 | Reply

    • Glad to make your belly laugh! And thanks for stopping by, come back anytime.

      Thanks Colleen!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 31, 2010 | Reply

  26. That was amazing. You’ve had me laughing all day. You’re a mad man! Thank you for coming up with this and sharing it. Keep writing more of these FB pieces. Please!

    Comment by brunettehead | May 17, 2010 | Reply

    • I’ll keep trying, thanks for the kind words!

      Thanks Brunettehead!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 17, 2010 | Reply


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