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James Patterson info


Sex: Male

Birth date: 3-22-47

Current City: The Beach House Florida

Relationship Status: Married

Looking for: Ambitious author with a strong desire to make some extra $$. You must be a creative self-starter, and be willing to take your pride out behind the woodshed and shoot it in the back of the head with a big, black gun of some make or model. –I’ll need whoever I next employ to correct that last sentence please.

Activities: Coming up with book ideas and getting other people to write them, sleeping, checking my bank account, getting my name out there, emotionally and financially raping up and coming authors and frowning for the camera.

Interests: Becoming the best known author…or writer…huh(?) for the least memorable work. No, I’m serious. This pays the bills in a big way.

TV Shows: All of my books will be TV shows soon.

Books: I don’t read, but I do write (outlines). 

Quotes: “Show me the Money” –some scientologist.

About Me: I’ve revolutionized the book business. (Now picture in your head Alex Cross pointing at you and saying) “If you don’t like it you can kiss my black ass.” –see why I don’t write my own shit? I got all muddled up there. Hang on let me call Andrew Gross…. Ok, all I want to be is the most thrillingest writer to have ever lived.  

James Paterson’s Wall


April 3rd James Patterson– Hiya fans, come check out my award winning website James Patterson.com. USA Today called it the best new interactive website by an author this year! 

 Michael Ledwidge and Maxine Paetro Like This.         

James Patterson Joined the group 1000 monkeys with a 1000 typewriters.

James Patterson wrote on Russell Crowe’s wall.

James Patterson wrote on Gerald Butler’s wall.

~Gerald Butler – No.

James Patterson joined the group, If 100,000 people join this group I’ll bet we can get Gerald Butler to play Michael Bennett.

~Michael Ledwidge Likes This.

April 4th J.K. Rowling – What the fuck is this I hear? Now ‘you’ are writing about Wizards? You and your team of fucking day-laborers are writing about wizards? What is it with you? Are you mentally ill? OCD? You have some type of nefarious scheme to dumb down the entire world? What the fuck is it?

Stephen King Likes This

~James Patterson – There is no need to be rude. I just don’t believe that there are enough good books for young adults. If you give a kid something hard like Crime and Punishment or a Kathleen Neville book they’ll get turned off of reading. I’m just dong what I can to help.

~J.K. Rowling – Oh yea, you’re helping, you big headed idiot.  

James Patterson became a fan of The Women’s Murder Club.

James Patterson became a fan of Alex Cross.

April 5th James Patterson – Can you guys believe that Micheal Bennett has 13 adopted, minority kids? It really makes him lovable doesn’t it?

Michelle Duggar Likes This.

April 5th James Patterson – Hiya fans. I’m now accepting applications for writers. I have to fill 3 positions this week. Must have a high school diploma, and a good feel for the ‘grit’ on the ‘street.’ Did I say that right?

~ Dan Brown – I’m willing to offer commissioned assistance with adjectives on a consultant basis for the present time.

~Stephen King – Ugh. You are both just…awful. Really.

~ James Patterson – Shut up King or I’ll hire Koontz to come over and kick your ass.

~ Dan Brown – See JP, I would change that sentence to, “Quiet yourself Stephen or I’ll contract Koontz for extradition to wallop you.

~ James Patterson – Wowee Dan!

James Patterson became a fan of Maximum Ride.

April 7th James Patterson – Hiya fans. Out this week in hardback; Cross-Examine, Triple-Crossed, Maximum Ride 7: Barely Legal, Maximum Ride 8: Rode Hard and Put Away Wet, and 12 Dead is One Dozen. Out this week in paperback; Cross-Stitch, A Hard Right Cross, 10 Murdered Prostitutes and 11 Pipers Piping.

James Patterson Joined the group Pimpin Ain’t Easy.

April 9th James Patterson – Stephen King just called me the Wal-Mart of Literalism!

~ Stephen King – No, I called you the Wal-Mart of Literature and it wasn’t meant to be a compliment.

~ Dan Brown – @King – Nobody anguishes over your conjecture King. We are the ones making the fat stacks, so suck it you burgeoning bully!

~ Stephen King – Dan, do you know what burgeoning means? Why don’t you go ahead and use it in another sentence. I love reading your unedited, exquisite prose.

Dan Brown – Okay smarty pants….ok, Overhanging her precarious body, Robert Langdon saw a burgeoning face with jaundiced, yellowish skin and gray, dirty-snowy, whitish colored hair and gasped.

~ Stephen King – Holy shit Dan. Please don’t ever, ever stop.

~ James Patterson – Wow that was really great Dan!

April 10th James Patterson – Putting a call out to authors interested in writing between 30 and 70 (depending on sales) books about adolescent vampires. It’s a great way to get your name out there!

~ Stephenie Meyer – I’m calling my lawyer.

April 13th James Patterson – Hiya fans, come over and visit my website to vote for your favorite 100 James Patterson books of all time!

~ Dan Brown – Hey, maybe we should form a collaboration together? I’ll bet your readers would love to know that there is an Egyptian Obelisk right here in the USA, and other fantastic mystical questions abounding.

~ Stephen King – Oh my fucking God…..

April 18, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , | 51 Comments