Zodi’s Blog

Angry (and slightly incoherent) Letters

Lindsay Lohan to Her Agent

 

Booyaa

Nick, dude, WTF is going on? You prick. Can you please tell me why I have to find out from TMmotherfuckingZ that David Michaels has said, and I’m quoting here, “We simply choose to move on from Lindsay?” Well why didn’t someone tell Lindsay? How goddamned rude. I don’t want to hear that I was in a blackout either, because it’s not true, I’d remember. Do they not know who the fuck I am? Do you know who I am Nick? Hang on a second, I gotta do a bump. Oh, I probly don’t have to type that since you wouldn’t know anyway. It’s not like we’re on the phone and you’d here me snort. Or even if I were writing in cursive and broke off and you’d see the little pause …..great googily moogily … this is some killer shit!

So get this sorted out pronto Styne…..Styne… Styne… are you a Jew, Styne? You know what? Fucker. Lorne Michaels is a Jew. I’ll bet that David Michaels…that ugly twat who fired me, is a Jew too. Are you a Jew Nick? If you are you’d better get your Jew ass on the Shofar and speak in your magical Jew language to your little buddies and GET ME MY FUCKING MOVIE BACK!!!!! I forgot to ask how your wife was doing? She’s hot, I like.  

Have you ever snorted/smoked/injected blow, MDMA, and meth all mixed up Nick? Fuck. Booyah11 So please get this movie deal thing sorted out, Did you fucking hear that? WTF was that? Like a train whistle to a techno beat?

Hey can you seriously believe my dad? What a creep. He can say whatever he likes to the press; he broke into my crib looking for his crackpipe. It was good and dirty and he was afraid I was pushing it. (I Was not) Dude gets crazy on that shit. When the cops finally came, daddy was on his knees combing the carpet and trying to smoke pieces of kitty litter and drywall. Freaking hilarious old bastard sometimes! That horny old fucker.

I forgot to tell you before to call Leslie and get her to squash this shit with that whore bitch bastard Sam. That bitch spit on me, and I didn’t even ask her to this time. Ugly skank. Did you hear something? WTF IS that? Em said she’s a 2 and I’m practically a 10. HA! As a matter of fact call my lawyer too, I want restraining orders against daddy douchebags and Sammie the slimy, spiting, skanky slut. Hang on….

Isn’t she fugly? I look hot tho yea?

Booyaaaa!  So I was eating a Snickers bar earlier right? I read the ingredients and I thought aha… That’s how they get you. Don’t you see you blind, Hollywood fuck? THAT’S HOW THEY FUCKING GET YOU.

Sam was a Jew too. You people really stick together don’t you? Well good. It’s nice when people love you. What was that fucking whistle? Will you please try to get me my job back please? I gotta go. I think there is a tiny man stuck inside my air conditioning unit screaming at me. Who the fuck is in that tree…holy shit there are like 13 of them. Hey do you have a drill? IF you have a drill come right over. HURRY. This is how they fucking get you Styne.

Advertisements

April 27, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , ,

30 Comments »

  1. She is definitely f’d up. And I doubt your letter is very off base. It’s definitely not HER fault 😉

    Tiny people hiding and talking to you is the universal sign of being strung out, isn’t it? Not too mention the ones that AREN’T talking to you, but just watching you… from curtained windows, the a/c vents, the trees/bushes, etc. LOL.

    Comment by Mrs. D | April 27, 2010 | Reply

    • No, I’ve known enough people in my life who were just like her to be able to act her mind out.

      I knew this one girl who swears to this day that there were people in the tree outside her house spying on her. I’m so glad I left Pittsburgh lol.

      Thanks Mrs.D!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 27, 2010 | Reply

  2. (smile) well.. i know i usually remember my blackouts!

    Comment by Lynn | April 27, 2010 | Reply

    • I mean I have lost days at a time but I think I’d remember the important stuff.

      Thanks Lynn!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 27, 2010 | Reply

  3. get your Jew ass on the Shofar is gold!!

    I wonder if she was hanging out with Mel Gibson

    on a serious note – I want to punch her father in his fucking user face
    I remember reading an eye witness account of him telling Lindsay (when she was about 12) that she couldn’t stop working because she would destroy the family and without being an actress she was “worthless”
    now the piece of crap is organizing an intervention!! fuck him, he’ll probably film it

    Comment by dianne | April 27, 2010 | Reply

    • I was thinking of her more along the lines of a very strung out Nicky Santorum (from Casino). For some reason it seemed just about right for her. With all the blow you get really paranoid and all.

      That’s horrible about her dad, he’s such a piece of shit. She’s got to move on from that now tho….lord knows I did.

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 27, 2010 | Reply

  4. You know, there’s hot, there’s crazy and then there’s crazy hot. Lindsay is crazy hot. Which is both scary and exciting at the same time.

    It’s really not too hard to figure out how effed up Lindsay turned out when you look at her family. What a freaking mess. Very entertaining though. haha

    Comment by Jay | April 27, 2010 | Reply

    • You nailed it Jay, she is crazy hot. She definitely makes you want to save her. There has always been some part of me that is turned on to that whole beautiful loser persona. Maybe because I am one…without the beautiful part.

      Seriously I feel her because my family was the exact same way. Every male as far back as 150 years died before the age of 50. Usually from cirrhosis.

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 27, 2010 | Reply

  5. You been holding out on me, Scott. I close down Blow by Blow and you motherfuckin’ take over the game. Holy shit, that was pro-fucking-fane fun! The best kind if you ask me. And the Rev here backs me up.

    Well, when it’s all said and done, she just can’t die quickly enough.

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | April 28, 2010 | Reply

    • If you liked this you’ll love next weeks Facebook profiles in fun with Pete Doherty and Clive Fucking Cussler in a cage whiskey and heroin induced cage match from hell. Hell being somewhere in the first class section of the QE2. I’m just kidding I would never admit to plagiarizing ideas…

      I actually don’t want her to die, I just want her to wake the fuck up….soon.

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 28, 2010 | Reply

      • the only way she’s gonna wake the fuck up is if she goes the AA way… and then we’ll all have to listen to her crap on about being born again….

        I just don’t see the hotness guys

        Comment by nursemyra | April 28, 2010 | Reply

        • I know a lot of people who quit and/or changed without that cultish club, including me. I’m writing a short book on how to do it now.

          Thanks Nursemyra!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 29, 2010 | Reply

  6. You do strung out drug addled steam of consciousness so well! Must be years of experience, as a writer of course…
    I particularly love “Did you fucking hear that? WTF was that? Like a train whistle to a techno beat?”. Fun-ny.
    And following the thread of the comments, I must add that I agree, LiLo is hot to trot

    Comment by RubyTwoShoes | April 28, 2010 | Reply

    • I’ve had way too much experience with this kind of stream of consciousness, writing and otherwise. I’ve have actually heard that train whistle many times in my life. It didn’t help that I grew up living next to the tracks and all….

      LiLo is definitely too hot for TV. She looks and acts just like my last girlfriend just before leaving PGH.

      Thanks RTS!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 28, 2010 | Reply

  7. Ha. I am sure that you are no ttoo far off the mark there, sport. I kinda think Lindsay is sexy…in a trainwreck sorta way. A good trainwreck has always made me hot. Cheers scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | April 28, 2010 | Reply

    • I haven’t been called sport since I was actually playing sports and tried to buy a case of Milwaukee’s Best with my paperback money and a fake ID. Good memories good memories.

      I think she’s hot in more of a Trainspotting kind of way which I find super sexy myself!

      Thanks Matt-Man!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 28, 2010 | Reply

  8. It’s crazy you should post this (bang on) piece right after I left that last comment about how you and I always seem to root for the bad guy.

    I probably spend more time reading about Lindsay than I should, only because a) she reminds me of a friend I once had, and b) deep down I want her to pull a Robert Downey Junior and prove everyone wrong.

    I might not care so much had she some sense of normalcy growing up, but when you look at the train wrecks that call themselves her parents, you can’t help but feel sad. She probably never once felt as though her parents loved her for who she was, only what she could generate.

    Sorry for the unfunniest of comments, you know you’re a kickass writer when you can both make me laugh and make me feel pity in less than 500 words!

    Comment by bschooled | April 28, 2010 | Reply

    • I still do root for her B. I still root for Scott Weiland, Winehouse, and even Doherty. I am glad that Downey managed to drag himself out of that hole as well.

      I write this stuff to be funny but there is some real anger in there as well. I grew up in a pretty crazy way, and saw so many of my friends either die or completely reinvent themselves both with no money and with no love. Including myself. My ex is still on that road now and it does make me a little mad. If people could just see how easy it is to quit doing whatever they happen to be doing, and see how much better their life can be…..That’s why I’m writing that book I guess.

      Thanks for the deep comment B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 28, 2010 | Reply

  9. You know it’s funny when it’s late at night and the sudden laughter has your wife staring across the room like WTF tell me tell me. Outrageously funny shit, Scott. I feel bad for her yet . . . yet . . . AHHH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

    Comment by Dan McGinley | April 29, 2010 | Reply

    • Glad you like it Dan, as you know this type of dialogue has to be written from experience.

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 29, 2010 | Reply

  10. She’s on the top of my “Dead Pool” along with Amy Winehouse, Alec Baldwin, Ron Woods and Courtney Love….oh and Brett Michaels (recently added).

    Note – Elizabeth Taylor has been on it for years 😦

    Comment by frigginloon | April 29, 2010 | Reply

    • Not Alec, he’s healthy as a horse. I don’t think LiLo will die either since she’s not riding the horse or anything. Look on my Facebook profile under ‘my albums’ where it says Ibiza. That villa we stayed in for a friends wedding was bought by Ronnie Wood the very next month.

      Thanks Loon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 29, 2010 | Reply

  11. Your inner voice absolutely blows me away!!!

    Poor Lindsey, she grew up with those two for parents and was “dragged up” as moms would say.

    She is trainwrecking down a bad road…

    Comment by Candy | April 29, 2010 | Reply

    • My inner voice is more than a little gusty. I feel bad for her too but I envy her all the chances she’s been given in life. I’ve had so many friends who had the same problems and no one willing to help. But such is life… I do also hope that she gets her shit together soon though.

      Thanks Candy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 29, 2010 | Reply

  12. Totally fucking brilliant. I never thought she could act, let alone look good. When you look at what people worship, you finally understand why people don’t believe in a God.

    Comment by jammer5 | April 29, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m not sure about her acting Jammer but she does look good to me. I’ve always loved a good case of broken though. It matches my own broke. And well, she is just hot.

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 29, 2010 | Reply

  13. It’s been a long time since I had some shit that made me say, “great googily moogily”. Ah, the memories…

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | May 11, 2010 | Reply

    • Those were some great memories for me as well. I wish I still smoked when I think back of those times, but my mind doesn’t want any more.

      Thanks Rooster!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 11, 2010 | Reply


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: