Angry (and slightly incoherent) Letters

Lindsay Lohan to Her Agent

 

Booyaa

Nick, dude, WTF is going on? You prick. Can you please tell me why I have to find out from TMmotherfuckingZ that David Michaels has said, and I’m quoting here, “We simply choose to move on from Lindsay?” Well why didn’t someone tell Lindsay? How goddamned rude. I don’t want to hear that I was in a blackout either, because it’s not true, I’d remember. Do they not know who the fuck I am? Do you know who I am Nick? Hang on a second, I gotta do a bump. Oh, I probly don’t have to type that since you wouldn’t know anyway. It’s not like we’re on the phone and you’d here me snort. Or even if I were writing in cursive and broke off and you’d see the little pause …..great googily moogily … this is some killer shit!

So get this sorted out pronto Styne…..Styne… Styne… are you a Jew, Styne? You know what? Fucker. Lorne Michaels is a Jew. I’ll bet that David Michaels…that ugly twat who fired me, is a Jew too. Are you a Jew Nick? If you are you’d better get your Jew ass on the Shofar and speak in your magical Jew language to your little buddies and GET ME MY FUCKING MOVIE BACK!!!!! I forgot to ask how your wife was doing? She’s hot, I like.  

Have you ever snorted/smoked/injected blow, MDMA, and meth all mixed up Nick? Fuck. Booyah11 So please get this movie deal thing sorted out, Did you fucking hear that? WTF was that? Like a train whistle to a techno beat?

Hey can you seriously believe my dad? What a creep. He can say whatever he likes to the press; he broke into my crib looking for his crackpipe. It was good and dirty and he was afraid I was pushing it. (I Was not) Dude gets crazy on that shit. When the cops finally came, daddy was on his knees combing the carpet and trying to smoke pieces of kitty litter and drywall. Freaking hilarious old bastard sometimes! That horny old fucker.

I forgot to tell you before to call Leslie and get her to squash this shit with that whore bitch bastard Sam. That bitch spit on me, and I didn’t even ask her to this time. Ugly skank. Did you hear something? WTF IS that? Em said she’s a 2 and I’m practically a 10. HA! As a matter of fact call my lawyer too, I want restraining orders against daddy douchebags and Sammie the slimy, spiting, skanky slut. Hang on….

Isn’t she fugly? I look hot tho yea?

Booyaaaa!  So I was eating a Snickers bar earlier right? I read the ingredients and I thought aha… That’s how they get you. Don’t you see you blind, Hollywood fuck? THAT’S HOW THEY FUCKING GET YOU.

Sam was a Jew too. You people really stick together don’t you? Well good. It’s nice when people love you. What was that fucking whistle? Will you please try to get me my job back please? I gotta go. I think there is a tiny man stuck inside my air conditioning unit screaming at me. Who the fuck is in that tree…holy shit there are like 13 of them. Hey do you have a drill? IF you have a drill come right over. HURRY. This is how they fucking get you Styne.