Zodi’s Blog

Failure to Communicate

 Holy crap! In true Robert Langdon fashion I’ve just puzzled out the major mysteries of the bible, and all in one day. It just came to me like manna from heaven. All my life I’ve wondered about the inconsistencies of the bible and have tried to reconcile the idea of a loving god with some of the, quite frankly, clinically insane instruction that can be found in the west’s favorite holy book.  

And I’ve finally figured it out…..God can only talk to crazy people. Not moderately crazy people like the old, homeless woman who throws cats at you when you try to give her a bologna sandwich. Not even the tortured artist, ‘mail an ear as a Secretary’s Day gift’ kind of crazy is crazy enough. The big Dude can only talk to the foamy lipped, danger to themselves and others kind of crazy people. They must be the only ones who can hear his gentle, elegant, singsong-y pitch.  

An iphone might have helped.

Because of this communication barrier with the world, God’s messages kept getting all muddled up with the insane ramblings of lunatics throughout the ages. And the variety and scope of mental illnesses were as varied then as they are now. Although to me it seems that God happened to use people with debilitating OCD more than any of the other mental defectives.  What I figure happened is this; God took his messenger up on the mountain or sat him down in the front seat of a 78 Cadillac with the stereo blaring (to avoid the feds listening in) and told him (it was always a him because it takes ‘man crazy’ to hear God) a really simple message. Then by the time that person relayed the message to the people it was completely discombobulated. 

God was probably just trying to warn mankind that womankind has a tendency to get cranky during auntie Flo’s monthly visit. By the time it got passed down to the common folk there were all the ritualistic rules about who to ostracize and how much hand sanitizer to use when one accidentally came into contact with a menstruating babe.     

Maybe God was actually trying to warn us about eating genetically modified grains and how fugly and regrettable polyester would come to be when what got interpreted were the super-OCD rules not allowing two crops in the same field or people to wear mixed fabrics. Or would those rules be more indicative of Asperger’s Syndrome? Maybe he was just warning us that some people may be allergic to shellfish and that overindulging in pork can lead to obesity when we got the abomination here and the hand washing (and wringing) there.         

Even now, the catholic faith practices strict OCD adherence with their 10 Lord’s Prayers and 50 Hail Mary’s for swearing….I should know. Now I’m also wondering about the Ten Commandments. I’ll bet there were 7 or 9 or something and Moses just HAD to make it an even, round number. And although OCD seemed to be the most prevalent affliction of the messengers, there were also many others with far worse conditions. I don’t think that anyone who is familiar with biblical history would argue my assertion that Paul was a megalomaniac with delusions of grandeur or that John was a paranoid schizophrenic with violent hallucinations.      

Crazy like a fox. A rabid fox with mercury poisoning.

It’s still happening today too. I’m sure that the God of Islam (which I think is supposed to be the same God as the God of the bible, just with a different, maybe darker, complexion…?) just wanted to warn the Iranian women of the dangers of skin cancer, but when he told the Iranian clerics, they got it all screwed up and decided to start arresting women for being tan. What a kerfuffle. I’ll bet poor God’s having a LOL.      

I think the whole world will be better off if we all start paying really close attention and try to really hear what God may actually be saying. Otherwise we might come out looking like we are all fucking nuts.

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May 2, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , ,

42 Comments »

  1. I have this image now of all these Crazy Christians lined up at the altar playing that old childhood game of telephone

    Comment by dianne | May 2, 2010 | Reply

    • That might be the problem.

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 3, 2010 | Reply

  2. LMAO You really got it this time Scott!

    Comment by Micky-T | May 2, 2010 | Reply

    • As long as I didn’t bring God’s wrath or anything…

      Thanks Micky-T!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 3, 2010 | Reply

  3. You gotta love Leviticus. The stuff about being “unclean” and sex and animals makes me LOL. Whoever was in charge of taking dictation from God back then probably had severe carpal tunnel from chiseling since He made tons of conditions for EVERYTHING.

    Comment by Mrs. D | May 3, 2010 | Reply

    • The entire Old Testament was so filled with crazy rules and rituals that they ended up totally contradicting each other eventually. That was the epitome of unchecked OCD gone haywire. Then Jesus came along and he was like a big Xanex to calm everybody back down and tell them that too much hand washing was bad for the skin.

      Thanks Mrs.D!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 3, 2010 | Reply

  4. The picture of Crazy Charley with an iPhone is too much, and for some damn reason, when you wrote, “I’ll bet poor God’s having a LOL”, I started laughing like hell. You’re right, bro. They’re all torqued ass backwards. Great friggin’ post!

    Comment by Dan McGinley | May 3, 2010 | Reply

    • I know I couldn’t believe when I found it. I really want to learn to use Photoshop…oh the fun we would have!

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 3, 2010 | Reply

  5. Heston with the iphone is hilarious. Somewhere in the world Steve Jobs just ejaculated. That post has rearranged my brain, like there’s more space available now. The only thing I don’t understand is how do you fuck nuts?

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | May 3, 2010 | Reply

    • I think Steve Jobs is still to preoccupied with iphone-gate or whatever the hell they’re calling it to even get it up right now. And do you remember all those anti-establishment ads they used to run. Now they are The Man. Hilarious!

      How do you fuck nuts may have to be your next riddle…

      Thanks Rooster!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 3, 2010 | Reply

      • Anti-anti-advertising is always cool, just like the “buy ‘Merican” ads Walmart ran before the six year old, chain smoking kids stood up and said, “Bullshit!”

        Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | May 11, 2010 | Reply

        • Anti-anti is pro, or at least very, very small, I don’t know which yet. I like Merican merchandise at least their street level stuff.

          Thanks Rooster!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 11, 2010 | Reply

  6. oh scotty lol weak weak man..attacking the easy target and barely touching on the musies (muslims).
    are u scared of getting a fatwa and having to share a bed with Rushdie? just take ur own blanket! Loon always says he gots the blanket but its fine if you take ur own lol

    Comment by Susi Spice | May 3, 2010 | Reply

    • hogs that is not gots

      Comment by Susi Spice | May 3, 2010 | Reply

      • I need my own, I can’t stand when I’m sleeping and it gets tugged.

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 3, 2010 | Reply

        • Rushdie is a tugger and a hogger. I suggest you rough it with the South Park dudes!

          Comment by frigginloon | May 3, 2010 | Reply

          • I’ll rough it in NYC, I’ve done it many times before…lol

            Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 11, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m only expressing my opinion that men, not God, wrote the bible. Having read it from front to back it is plain to see the superstitions of men at work. If you believe in God, do you honestly believe that he would concern himself with a husband accidentally brushing against his wife during menstruation? Do you think he would sanction the selling, beating, or killing of slaves? Do you think he would want children and women stoned for being disobedient? I don’t. This is close to my heart because I do actually believe in God, but I know that man keeps messing it all up…including what Jesus taught…. to this very day.

      I go after the bible because I know it. I go after the Muslims, Jews and anybody else anytime something comes up that I can intelligently comment on. I actually do plan on reading the Koran just so I can use it in the future. But procrastination is a real problem with me (-;

      Thanks Susi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 3, 2010 | Reply

  7. Are you saying that my daughters getting me drunk and having sex with me was not God’s command but rather a misinterpretation of His word? Eh…either way, it was fantastic. Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | May 3, 2010 | Reply

    • You might want to rethink that comment when you sober up Matt-Man 😉

      Comment by nursemyra | May 3, 2010 | Reply

    • Bwahahaha! I’m not sure that was God’s holy command. I think it was more like maybe God’s 3:00am Saturday night, drunken, “You know what would be cool?” idea. Which you reaped the benefits of.

      Thanks Matt-Man!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 4, 2010 | Reply

  8. I think maybe it’s time God came out with the Holy Bible ver. 2.0. You know, with some new updated features. And maybe be a little more interactive. Maybe he could set up a Formspring page where people ask him questions anonymously. (Or at least they THINK they’re anonymous.) Maybe he could even do a live Blogtv.com show and allow people to ask him questions in the chat room.

    Nah. It doesn’t matter. Fox News will still crop a couple of quotes and take him out of context and tell people God is opposed to Obama’s immigration proposal. 😉

    Comment by Jay | May 3, 2010 | Reply

    • You know Jay; because I have no moral compass (it wasn’t my fault how I was born, was it?) I think that ‘I’ just had ‘my’ first million dollar idea in weeks. My last one which involved siphoning oil off of a rig in the Gulf into my drug running submarine…kind of backfired on me. Anyway this is just the thing to make up for that.

      People just can’t get enough God, and we’re (I Am…HA, another inside joke) going to give it to them. We could get that little pansy Kirk Cameron to narrate and we could get Bill Gates to design us the foolproof interactive system where the answer to every hard question will be, “Because I’m God and I said so.”

      Brilliant idea Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 4, 2010 | Reply

  9. And Scott I’m guessing your swearing is a lot more than the occasional “damn” and “shit” to earn such a heavy penance… tsk tsk tsk….. xx

    Comment by nursemyra | May 3, 2010 | Reply

    • You don’t have to guess at all Nursemyra, you know from years of experience with my foul mouth.

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 4, 2010 | Reply

  10. You should whip up a caption contest and declare Matt-Man the winner. That’s a magnificient comment.

    Beyond that, an excellent dismantling (yet again) of the God crowd. Not to beat a dead Biblical horse, but the Old Testament is no longer valid. God voided the warranty by sending Jesus into the world. Idiots.

    They love the judgment of the OT and the opportunity to broker deals with God. It’s enough to make one lose faith in humanity, which would be terribly ironic, as most of this “humanity” is always berating us about our facts and lack of “faith.”

    Well, I’m off to ride the dinosaurs, Scott. I’ll send photos. Or at least a felt-board reenactment.

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | May 3, 2010 | Reply

    • Maybe you could help to find the appropriate photo? I’ll need a shot of Matt, a shot of 2 or 3 hot girls (they have to be over 18 though, WordPress is particular about that) a couple pints of Wild Irish Rose, and a shot of God drunk dialing. Feel free to photoshop.

      But if the Old Testament is no longer valid then why do these nutjobs constantly quote from it? I just don’t understand this stuff at all… I guess I’ll just be happy as long as God doesn’t lose a terrible hand of poker to Satan involving my life or my complexion. Like that scary story you wrote about.

      Have fun riding the dinos and remember, God gave us dominion over them and the earth as well. So don’t take any shit!

      Thanks for the stellar comment CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 4, 2010 | Reply

  11. PS i just want to say that I agree with the catholic analysis. I am NOT catholic hahaha.

    Comment by Susi Spice | May 3, 2010 | Reply

    • Hahaha, not that there is anything wrong with that…mind you.

      Thnaks Susi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 4, 2010 | Reply

  12. Praise-worthy post, Scott. So praise-worthy in fact, that it deserves it’s own one-hour time slot on the Healing Channel.

    On another note, call me someone who tends to hyperfocus on the irrelevant, but am I the only one here wondering what kind of homeless woman would throw cats at you for giving her a bologna sandwich? And when the memo came out saying that polyester is now considered fugly? And who decided that overindulging in pork can lead to obesity? And wtf “megalomaniac” means?

    But most of all, what kind of homeless woman would throw cats at you for giving her a bologna sandwich?

    Comment by bschooled | May 4, 2010 | Reply

    • I would love my own one hour time slot on The Healing Channel….that’s the tv preacher channel right? I would make more money in that one hour than most of the tv preachers make in a whole year. I’d just come right out and tell them that if they don’t run out and immediately withdraw half of their life saving and give it to me in a cashiers check, they’ll miss the rapture and then miss all the fun of the evil-doer’s torture.

      To answer your questions…..The Crazy Ass Gypsy Lady when she doesn’t feel like bologna. Which is all the damn time anymore. I think that memo was released in the late 70’s but it may have had a recent redaction. God made the rules about pork….sorry, I wish it were not so. I’m not sure what that word means, I just try to throw them in once in a while so people think I’m smart.

      And lastly, the Crazy Ass Gypsy Lady when she doesn’t feel like bologna. Which is all the damn time anymore.

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 5, 2010 | Reply

  13. And to think, if it all hadnt got so messed up I couldn’t have known all along the *exact* amount of hand cleanser I would need for when I came into monthly contact with myself…all those wasted days wondering…

    Thanks for the heads up on this – I’m going to go rig up a couple of tin cans and some string and see if i can’t get a clearer line to the Big Man’s Word. For real

    Comment by RubyTwoShoes | May 4, 2010 | Reply

    • You’ve really got to stop coming into contact with yourself; that’s just the kind of thing that’ll send God into a drunken rage. If you do ….brush against yourself…I’d use at least 4 liberal squirts just to be on the safe side.

      You don’t need to rig anything up with strings and cans (unless it will help with menstruation) just get an iphone with Verizon service and pray (literally) that God puts you in his circle.

      Thanks RTS!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 5, 2010 | Reply

  14. I think there’s an ap for that….

    Comment by Candy | May 4, 2010 | Reply

    • For communicating directly with God? Sweet, sign me up. The last conversation we had involved a big pile of hallucinogenics and an open mind. This will be much easier.

      Thanks Candy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 5, 2010 | Reply

  15. Here’s the thing: God talks God talk; man understands man talk. When God talks to man, man hears: Today . . . blah . . . blah . . . horny . . . blah . . . blah . . . BBQ sauce . . .

    What God actually said: Today, I come before you to legitimize the conundrum that is you, man dude, and to verbilosophize all the synapses running through your brainpan. You will thus be able to endurtinate and furthermore, quantumnate every single contractophate until you finally realize your true meaning, and such. I command thee to rememborize all and never forget until death do you part.

    Comment by jammer5 | May 6, 2010 | Reply

    • Hang on, I’ll have to write all this down. I wouldn’t want to miss anything this groudbreaking.

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 6, 2010 | Reply

  16. (it was always a him because it takes ‘man crazy’ to hear God).

    How would you explain Joan of Arc?

    Comment by sittingpugs | May 7, 2010 | Reply

    • I have to admit that you’ve got me there. UNLESS, Joan was a tranny….or she didn’t really here God but was nuts. But no, you got me!

      Thanks Sittingpugs!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 7, 2010 | Reply

      • Funny how women who’ve heard divine, sweet-nothings whispered into their ears inevitably become branded as heretics or witches. Historically, if men heard the same things and conveyed the messages, unless what he said was perceived as a direct threat to the local sovereign/religious head of state, he might be branded a heretic but would he be called a warlock?

        I first thought you’d typed, “Joan was a ninny.” Mademoiselle Joan was also French, perhaps that disqualifies her?

        Comment by sittingpugs | May 7, 2010 | Reply

        • It’s amazing how it all switched up from women being worshiped to be subjugated around 5 thousand years ago. It’s a shame too; the world would have been a vastly different place right now.

          Thanks Sittingpugs!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 8, 2010 | Reply


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