Zodi’s Blog

I am retarded and so can you be

When I first moved to Florida, I moved into a furnished apartment for almost a year. So after I moved in with the woman who would later come to be known as Wifey, I still knew nothing about the stupid water situation in that crazy state. I just knew that there was sparkly, shiny, happy water everywhere I looked and that made me feel smiley.

Then one spectacular, sunny Sunday we spontaneously decided to buy a pool while we were in the Home Depot buying other happy, sunny, Sunday things. We went home with the pool and after I my expertise box opening and plastic unrolling we were able to get it blown up thanks to a kindly neighbor’s industrial blower-upper contraption.

The next morning at the crackhead of dawn (phrases are different in Florida too) I set about filling up the pool using the two garden hoses that were already set up outside. By evening there was enough water for me to ‘swim.’ And by ‘swim’ I mean all the stupid shit I did when I thought that no one could see me and I was alone in a tiny body of trapped water… handstands, underwater punches and Chuck Norris-esqe roundhouse kicks, and seeing how long I could hold my breath as I swam circles around the edge pretending that I was winning a Survivor immunity challenge. Or maybe I was pretending to save Drew Barrymore (my soul mate) from the underwater cave in which she’d been bathing seductively but had become trapped…?  

I'll save you Drew!

It may have been the next day while I was diving for the winning Super Bowl touchdown catch or the day after that while I was proving that I was the world’s best floating champion, that Wifey finally inquired as to how I’d filled the pool. She had a funny look of concern on her face. After I told her that I used the hoses that we used to water the grass, she looked kind of upset. This made me feel a little funny, scared and upset too. She went on to calmly tell me that I had been swimming in sewage water for the previous two days.

I feel that now is a good time to point out the distinction between ignorance and mental deficiency. I had never known about or heard of reclaimed water until this. Where I come from, if you can connect a fucking hose to it, then you can be damn sure that it does NOT contain fecal matter, urine or deadly pathogens. I did think that the water tasted kind of funny when I’d taken occasional drinks from the hose but I thought that was just the ‘plastic-y hose in the sun flavor’ which I’d gotten quite used to.

Not this bad

What may have been even worse (or saved me from certain death, depending how you look at it) was the cornucopia of chemicals they used to treat the ‘water’ just after it left my neighbors’ toilets and before it entered my pool and/or mouth. 

After I had learned that I was frolicking about like a retarded dolphin on ecstasy in what was surely a deadly, poisonous, cesspool of killer death juice, I was convinced that I’d grow drastic mutations and/or cancerous polyps on my balls. I knew that my DNA may have been genetically (is there any other kind, really?) altered and I’d slowly and painfully turn into a dung beetle.

Or maybe I’ll turn into this thing. I'd actually like this....

The only thing that kept me out of the emergency room those two weeks that I felt weak, puke-y, and scared was the fear of embarrassment of having to tell people that I had been swimming in poop. The only thing I got from it was a little rash but it’s only been a few years and it’s not too late for some other kind of reaction. Maybe I’ll turn all stupid..…

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May 11, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , ,

91 Comments »

  1. LMAO, you poor thing! So Florida is even more fucked up than I thought? Yet another reason to avoid it. Why would gross water just be there for the taking?

    And the retarded dolphin thing made me LOL, btw.

    Comment by Mrs. D | May 11, 2010 | Reply

    • Florida is infinitely more fucked up than you ever thought D, but you still gotta love it, I do. It’s a place of unbelievable beauty mixed with astronauts in diapers on meth, and kilos (and bodies) washing up on shore!

      Most people know better about the water though.

      Thanks Mrs. D!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 11, 2010 | Reply

  2. Note to self, never move to Florida.

    WTF is wrong with those people?

    You aren’t retarded, they are.

    Comment by Candice | May 11, 2010 | Reply

    • Thanks for the reassurance, but I still might be a little ‘thick around the tongue.’ There is just a horrible water shortage so they refilter the sewage water to for use on lawns, for car washing and in decorative fountains…that sort of thing. Not for bathing or drinking though. lol.

      Thanks Candice!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 11, 2010 | Reply

  3. So outside water faucets are hooked up to a different system or something? That’s freaking crazy shit right there. How ARE you supposed to fill your inflatable pool? Hook up one of those Brita Filters up to the hose? Wait for the rain to fill it? 😉

    Comment by Jay | May 11, 2010 | Reply

    • No, here’s the trick Jay; the faucets that are connected to the outside of the house….Good water. The connection in a box in the dirt (where our hose was connected) …Bad water. No one had ever told me is all. It just never came up. Later I’d read articles everyday in the St. Pete Times of course…after the fact.

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 11, 2010 | Reply

  4. where was your wife while you were spending the day filling the pool?

    Comment by nursemyra | May 11, 2010 | Reply

    • If memory serves, it was tax season and she’s an accountant. During the run up to mid April she spent 10-14 hours a day at work.

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 12, 2010 | Reply

  5. OMFG Scott . . . and yet . . . and YET . . .

    According to Mister Donald Mills’ theory of exposure resistance building that has been eliminated in today’s germ free, sanatized youth, you gotta be like Superman now, able to eat raw sewage and withstand the unwithstandable!!! Like McDonald’s and (gasp) Taco Bell!!! When you finally return from Spain, it will probably be with a big red cape flapping behind you. Tim Dorsey could definately write that water issue into a scene or two . . .

    Comment by Dan McGinley | May 11, 2010 | Reply

    • My stomach is strong, no doubt. But Taco Bell strong? No way in hell. Not even these crazy ass gypsies could withstand that kind of punishment and they’ve dug up dead animals people have buried, then ate them 2 days later. –I wish I were kidding, I’m not.

      Dorsey would somehow use the cesspool as a murder weapon. Maybe use some immune system weakening medication, tie the purse-snatcher in the center of the pool connected to a supersized Petri dish of some kind….

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 12, 2010 | Reply

  6. Good tale, well told Scott! I might just incorporate this anecdote into a short story that has been twirling around my neurone for some weeks now… don’t hold you breath, it will be a while yet!

    Comment by Dave Hambidge | May 12, 2010 | Reply

    • Feel free Dave, it would be an honor to be noted as the retarded inspiration behind a anecdote! And don’t worry about me holding my breath, I often forget to breathe…

      Thanks Dave!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 12, 2010 | Reply

  7. We have a myriad assortment of situations going on here. First, you could grow a third eye, as that’s what always happens in drive-inn theater movies. You could dissolve into a humongous glob of some unknown substance that eats half (Well, maybe all) of Florida. Or you could go into a catatonic state in which case can I have your truck?

    Comment by jammer5 | May 12, 2010 | Reply

    • Well first of all Jammer, I already do have a third eye but it’s blind and selfish as hell.

      I loved the movie references…let’s see we have The Hills Have Eyes, The Blob, and I’m not sure of the third. I don’t have a truck though, but you’re welcome to my mobile meth lab.

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 12, 2010 | Reply

  8. lmao omg scotty this was so hilarious, i loved it, loved this post LOL im still laughing imagining you frolocking in the “water” … if id been there in person to hear this story I would have had a stomach ache from laughing so hard.

    Comment by Susi Spice | May 12, 2010 | Reply

    • Yea, you would laugh harder to hear me tell it in person. I am half-Italian after all so I love to tell a good story.

      And honestly when I think of it now, I get a stomach ache for real. But the frolicking was fun.

      Thanks Susi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 12, 2010 | Reply

      • lol im latino but most of my friends have always been italian, greek etc so im totally there with ya on that. Its funny most hispanic people when they meet me (here in Australia) usually question whether im latino or not they usually say “i didnt think you were latino i wasnt sure” usually italians think im italian, maltese think im maltese, indians think im half indian half white…so ive had many a indian mothers try to introduce me to their doctor/engineer sons over time… then when they find out im not im dropped like a hot potato haha sometimes ill even get some arabs think im arab…and ill take that as a compliment because italian, indian, maltese and arab girls are usually really stunning looking lol im going with that!

        Comment by Susi Spice | May 12, 2010 | Reply

        • that reminds me i should write a post about my first marriage proposal… lol

          Comment by Susi Spice | May 12, 2010 | Reply

        • Like I said, you gotta friend me on Facebook. Now I have to see what you look like. I get the chameleon thing a lot, but it’s more I the way I act than the way I look. When I hang around different cultures, or even when I read a lot of someone’s writing.. I pick up mannerisms and styles so easily. I can’t help it and usually don’t even know I’m doing it. Must have came from having a life where I had to fit in quickly…

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 13, 2010 | Reply

          • anonymity… hehe spice of life! 😀

            u can always friend me on facebook, but whether I ACCEPT you is a diffferent story 😛 haha jk

            Comment by Susi Spice | May 13, 2010 | Reply

            • HUH! i win! you let me have the last word on this one! Lol

              thats it fullstop no returns!

              Comment by Susi Spice | May 14, 2010 | Reply

              • I didn’t even realize, but now thanks for pointing it out for me!

                Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 14, 2010 | Reply

            • How can I find you? Under Susi Spice?

              Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 14, 2010 | Reply

              • bhahaha damn! i shouldnt have said anything…
                ill email you how you can find me if you are that curious… 😛

                Comment by Susi Spice | May 14, 2010 | Reply

                • Cool, I rushed up another post so you wouldn’t be bored any more.

                  BTW I already tried to friend a Susan Spice…oh shit.

                  Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 14, 2010 | Reply

                  • yeah thats not me u wont find me under susan or susi spice lol
                    i emailed you 🙂

                    Comment by Susi Spice | May 14, 2010 | Reply

                    • Oops. I found you now anyway!

                      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 14, 2010

                  • there ya go!

                    now ya found me, now that you are in my circle of trust… u have a lot of expectations to fulfil 😛

                    Comment by Susi Spice | May 14, 2010 | Reply

                    • I’m good at fulfilling expectations as long as they aren’t too high.

                      I found you HA!

                      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 22, 2010

  9. Well…you aren’t completely retarded because if you dig Drew Barrymore as much as I, you are demonstrating good taste and quite a bit of lucidity. Cheers Poop Boy!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | May 12, 2010 | Reply

    • I more than dig her, she’s my soul mate. We were born on the same date and everything…she two years later.

      Thanks Matt-Man!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 12, 2010 | Reply

  10. Scott, this story takes the cake! I had no idea about their water either….glad to know that. You have done a great service to the rest of us who visit Florida….come to think of it, besides surviving to tell the tale, you may have saved many other lives!

    How are you going to top that story? Thanks for the good laugh.

    Comment by trishothinks | May 12, 2010 | Reply

    • That’s what I’m here to do Trisho, sacrifice myself for the health benefits and belly laughs of others. It’s what physical comedy is all about really. It’s great to see you again!

      Thanks Trisho!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 12, 2010 | Reply

  11. It builds strong bones that stuff, that’s what I heard while living in Florida.
    The only drawback, is that they grow out of the back of your head. I know you have heard the term, bonehead!

    Comment by Micky-T | May 12, 2010 | Reply

    • Wait, did you know of someone else who ingested the stuff? I always knew about all the freaks in Florida but I always assumed it had more to do with the crack than the reclaimed water. Hmmm.

      Thanks Micky!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 12, 2010 | Reply

  12. Hilarious.. retarded dolphin on ecstasy.. I have this vision of you, retarded mammal/fish species. drinking a Budweiser or maybe a PBR, playing like a 10 year old adolescent boy in diluted poo! Great one!

    Comment by Laura | May 12, 2010 | Reply

    • That was my favorite line of this post as well Laura, you have excellent taste! I believe at that stage of my life I was drinking Molson, probably Molson Ice.

      And I still play like that when I think I’m alone…

      Thanks Laura!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 12, 2010 | Reply

  13. *laughing* that’s classic scott! as you now know, reclaimed water is very common down here in florida for irrigation but i’m not sure it has fecal matter in it ~or does it? i dunno. you like drew barrymore too? i love her, she’s so damn cute and likeable! i’ll always set me dvr to tape if i see she’ll be interviewed on tv.

    Comment by Lynn | May 12, 2010 | Reply

    • I know that it’s sewage water that has been minutely treated. When I checked their website it said that people with immune deficiencies should not even be outside while sprinklers are sprinkling so it can’t be good.

      Drew has the same birth date, the same disposition, the same good looks, the same humility….she is my soul mate.

      Thanks Lynn!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 13, 2010 | Reply

  14. Hilarious story Scott, really. Obviously, your comedy gene wasn’t mutated and I could tell if it was.

    Comment by Fundamental Jelly | May 12, 2010 | Reply

    • That’s very comforting coming from you. As a scientist, maybe you could fill me in on what I did to my health during those two dark days…?

      Thanks FJ!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 13, 2010 | Reply

  15. awwww baby we swim in shit all day long, every fucking day of our life
    come on now, you know that
    you were just being literal
    plus as someone already mentioned you probably built up an incredible immunity to water born everythings

    Comment by dianne | May 12, 2010 | Reply

    • You’re right of course Dianne, but this was a little more literal than I’d like. Maybe I should keep at it to prepare for the end of the world. I’ll be the last man standing.

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 13, 2010 | Reply

  16. You do Chuck Norris moves and handstands in the pool? Me too!
    Water is the most playful, delightful, place to be on earth – minus the shit of course.
    But I must be missing something – why is Flordia so awful because it reuses water for washing cars and watering gardens? Seems very forward thinking to me…
    This was a joy to read, thanks!

    Comment by RubyTwoShoes | May 13, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m a Pisces Ruby, and I live up to my sign. I could spend the rest of my life (and eternity) in the water. Florida is great for doing it, every state should do it for conservation. Like I said, I’m just retarded. They need parental controls on the hose line or something.

      Thanks RTS!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 13, 2010 | Reply

  17. Oh for the love of god….how does one remove coffee from the keyboards. I LMfrigginAO. Good to know I’m not the only one who played imaginary bullshitting when in the pool alone, though I gave it up when I was FOUR!!!!! 🙂
    That story so beats my middle aged friend who went to a crowded public swimming pool and paraded around (having forgotten she had put her big bloomer knickers over her bathing suit). She only realized after jumping in the water and they blew up like air bags!

    Comment by frigginloon | May 13, 2010 | Reply

    • lmao oh loon thats nothing my mum does it on purpose! she always wears her big bloomer knickers underneath her bathing suit because “she wants to keep her coochie warm” lol

      Comment by Susi Spice | May 13, 2010 | Reply

      • but…but…nevermind.

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 13, 2010 | Reply

        • omg loon i would love to see scotty in the big bloomers chuck norrising in the crap-py water hahaa..

          i wish ur wife had video taped you and put it on youtube…ahha

          Comment by Susi Spice | May 13, 2010 | Reply

          • I’ve never worn big bloomers (I’m not even sure I know what they are…granny panties?) and I’ve never worn tighty whities either. Only boxers for my boys…

            I wish I had more tape of myself too.

            Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 13, 2010 | Reply

    • I am your go-to blog for self humiliation Loon. The things that I have done to embarrass myself, and am willing to admit even, are pretty endless.

      I think a lot of people do a lot of crazy, weird things when they think they are unwatched, I know I do no matter where I am. But then again I am retarded.

      Thanks Loon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 13, 2010 | Reply

  18. Seriously, Scott, I almost choked while reading this. These are exactly the kind of hilarious/mild nausea-triggering stories of yours that I revere*.

    (*Thankfully I was finally told that I’ve been using the word “covet” incorrectly all these years. Had I not been told, I probably would have typed it instead, most likely causing a certain amount of confusion/repulsion on your side).

    Oh, and the fact you do handstands, underwater punches and Chuck Norris-esqe roundhouse kicks even as an adult, shows me just how alike we are. The last time I was in Vegas, while my friends were shopping and gambling in the casino, I spent the entire day busting my ass in the pool, just so I could surprise them with a Fame-style underwater routine they’d never forget.

    And to my knowledge, they never have.

    Comment by bschooled | May 13, 2010 | Reply

    • Who in the hell told you that? If you’ve been using covet wrong then I’ve been using blaspheme, abomination and probably even murder wrong as well. I’ve always enjoyed your covetous behavior; it’s always made me feel proud and god-like. But I guess I’ll just have to get used to revere now….(but I thought that was some dude from way back..)

      My God B, could you imagine if we went to Vegas together? We’d be like Raymond Babbitt and Raymond Babbitt coming down that elevator. We’ll have to hit that town together!

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 13, 2010 | Reply

  19. Oh honey….sorry. BWAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!!

    And, I’m sorry again, because it might not have been as funny had the tale not been spun with such precise detail and engaging prose. hahahaahahaha!

    Oh, that was a good one Scott.

    Comment by Candy | May 13, 2010 | Reply

    • You don’t have to be sorry, you are not the one who’s retarded, I am.

      There is no end to my embarrasing stories…don’t worry.

      Thanks Candy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 13, 2010 | Reply

  20. post something else im bored!

    Comment by Susi Spice | May 13, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m too busy Susi..soon come, I promise. Even if it’s only doors…

      Thanks Susi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 13, 2010 | Reply

      • Sheez not those friggin doors again!!! It’s like those friggin cows I keep posting because I said I would 😦

        Comment by frigginloon | May 14, 2010 | Reply

        • bahahhaha yeah i think i know what a door looks like now

          and how many more cows to go? lilke 70!? lol i hope you save one for Christmas hahaha

          Comment by Susi Spice | May 14, 2010 | Reply

          • Ok, I’ll do one more before the doors again. Happy?

            Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 14, 2010 | Reply

        • Hey! People like my doors.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 14, 2010 | Reply

  21. I wouldn’t worry too much about this, Scott. Simple logic dictates that if you can hook a hose to it, it shouldn’t be connected to a collective toilet.

    It’s probably just one of those fucked-up things they do in Florida, ostensibly to protect some sort of wetland (read “swamp”) from being drained mainly because it hosts some sort of protected species that didn’t even originate there, but hitchhiked to the New World with the conquistadors and proceeded to eliminate the native species with extreme prejudice.

    That is in no way a metaphor for the whole New World v. Native Americans issue.

    Upon rereading it, I think it actually is. You get sewer water. They get smallpox blankets. Quid pro quo.

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | May 13, 2010 | Reply

    • I know. Right?

      You completely lost me with your second paragragh unless you were talking about the gators verses anaconda (aka really big fucking snake) battles going down almost daily in the everglades. In that instance I hope the gators win, but don’t you think they should just kill all the animals and use the glades as a giant landfill/strip mall? I personally don’t think that one state can have too many Bed Bath & Beyond’s. Or TGIF’s for that matter.

      Carpe Diem! And by day, I of course mean wetlands.

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 13, 2010 | Reply

  22. I’ve never heard of that my damn self, and I live in ALABAMA. I figured if ANYONE was hoarding SHIT-WATER it would be US, lol !

    Comment by Heff | May 13, 2010 | Reply

    • You do make a point Heff. The last I heard Alabama (and the rest of the south) was having it’s own shortages. You’d think every state would adopt the shit-water idea. It’s actually a great idea; they just need to idiot proof the damn system.

      Thanks Heff!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 13, 2010 | Reply

  23. You know floridas water is bad when you can smell it before you taste it.

    Comment by Bearman | May 13, 2010 | Reply

    • It was still better than Pittsburgh’s agua though…seriously.

      Thanks Bearman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 13, 2010 | Reply

  24. Okay, that totally cracked me the hell up – I mean laugh out loud cracked up! The swimming in reclaimed water was hilarious, but even funnier was your description of your “swimming.” Sounds like something I would do (oh, yeah, check me out, I’m “Flipper!” – complete with sound effects!)

    Cheers, Funny Man!

    Comment by Desert Rat | May 15, 2010 | Reply

    • Like I said, I gotta come kayaking with you. Everyone must act this way when they are alone…? Otherwise what’s the point of living?

      Thanks Dessert Rat!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 16, 2010 | Reply

  25. Too funny! Now I know why my parents always warned me not to drink from the garden hose…

    Comment by JannaT | May 16, 2010 | Reply

    • that and the melty plasticy flavor probably.

      Thanks JannaT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 17, 2010 | Reply

  26. OMG! Okay, I need to take a break. And sleep. That was all kinds of funny. Once again, thank you.

    Comment by brunettehead | May 17, 2010 | Reply

    • Once again you’re welcome!

      And Thank You!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 17, 2010 | Reply

  27. Thank you for making me laugh. At WORK. A truly superhuman feat. …And now I need to go check into the whole hose situation at my house…

    Comment by Summer Embee | May 17, 2010 | Reply

    • Damn, you guys were all hidden back here. Sorry about the delay.

      Yea, make sure that it’s not connected to dodgy plumbing…

      Thanks Summer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 22, 2010 | Reply

  28. Dear Jezuz! There’s no ends to your tales of “holy shit” is there?

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | May 18, 2010 | Reply

    • Holy Shit is my new name Rooster. It’s also the new black.

      Thanks Rooster!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 22, 2010 | Reply

  29. Thank you for that. I needed some hilarious. So everyone in your neighbourhood is shitting on each other’s lawns? That’s fantastically disgusting.

    Comment by Neil Moser | May 18, 2010 | Reply

    • In a round about way, I guess you could say that.

      Thanks Neil!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 22, 2010 | Reply

  30. I was laughing when you were talking about all of the fun things you were doing in the pool, and when you said, “This made me feel a little funny, scared and upset too,” I had to catch my breath because I was laughing so hard. I’m subscribing to your feed!

    Comment by Momma Goose | May 19, 2010 | Reply

    • I tend to get into different writing stlyes. Slow, nine year old is one of my favorites. Glad you like ‘him’ too!

      Thanks Momma Goose!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 22, 2010 | Reply

  31. Your post (and a random burly guy across the room) brought tears to my eyes. Just as I got to the word ‘poop’ in the last two lines, random burly guy let out a ginormous fart. Now THAT’S entertaining. How’d you arrange for sound (and smell) to go with your post? I felt I was right there with you.

    lol

    Comment by RxThree | May 22, 2010 | Reply

    • It must be wordpress’s new ‘holographic blog experiance’ that I’ve heard so much about.

      So can I order some Percs or what?

      Thanks RxThree!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 22, 2010 | Reply

      • Sorry, no Percs. Just slightly twisted here. 🙂

        Comment by RxThree | May 27, 2010 | Reply

  32. Ok, screeching with laughter when you have laryngitis just doesn’t work, so I hope you’ll appreciate my dolphin like squeaks and streaming eyes …. fucking brilliant!

    Comment by Julie | June 3, 2010 | Reply

    • Sorry….Hope you feel better soon. Or at least some drugs to make you think you feel better.

      Thanks Julie!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 3, 2010 | Reply


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