Zodi’s Blog

The Church of Scientology is now recruiting!

Did you promise yourself that 2010 was going to be your year to shine? Well, now is your chance to get off your ass and make it happen. This may be your only opportunity to make your pitiful life worthwhile, maybe even stupendous. Please use your primitive skill set to empty your polluted mind so that you can ask yourself these questions…

  • Are you ready for a brand new career?
  • How about a brand new life?
  • Are Protestants just too fun loving for your taste?
  • Are you into masochism? No? How about if it gets you the attention of beautiful people? Haha, I thought so!
  • Have you ever dreamt of a life at sea?
  • Do you feel like you need some quality ‘me’ time away from friends and family? They can suck the life right out of you, we know.
  • Can you respect and follow a chain of command?
  • Do you have a strong desire to get back at your parents for getting divorced when you were 11? Or for when your mom moved in with that fucking Dave guy and his asshole son? Yea, screw those jerks!
  • Do you have at least $75k in liquid assets? If not, can you get it? What if you ask your mom and Dave? Or maybe you have a rich uncle?
  • Don’t you think Lost is a great series? Couldn’t your life use a little mystery and science fiction?
  • Do you feel cloudy? You know what we mean….like confused.
  • How would you like to possibly have a chance at meeting Mr. Cruise? How about Mr. Travolta?  Yea? Then you better get hold of that fucking cash! Seriously, ask Dave.
  • Do people often tell you that you’re smart but ‘lack common sense?’ (That’s malarkey BTW.)
  • Would you like being the ‘meat’ in a Kirstie Alley and Greta Van Susteren sandwich?  (Just remember to keep Kirstie on the bottom.)

 

If you answered yes to any one of these questions, especially the one about the $75k because that one is like, crucial, then Scientology may be for you.   

Celebrities are awesome and better than you. So you should strive to be more like them. And we have way more celebrities than that stupid Kabbalah that makes you wear a dumb red string. What’s that all about? Did they leave their tampon in too long? All the cool celebrities are with us. If you join us then maybe people will like you more? Don’t you think it’s worth a shot?

Another great reason to join is so you can be part of our upcoming mass tort litigation that we are about to file against all this bullshit bad press we keep getting. We have every reason to believe that we’ll win tons and tons of really fabulous money.  

She wants you even more!

We know that there is a voice in your head talking to you RIGHT NOW. It’s telling you things like, “Be careful,” “Don’t rush into anything,” “I can never hope to be as super awesome as Tom Cruise is,” and “Dave will definitely stop mom from giving me any money.” That voice is not you! It’s the thetans that are polluting your thinking. Think about it, ONLY CRAZY PEOPLE HAVE VOICES IN THEIR HEADS. Right?

So if you want to stop being a crazy, dumb loser who sucks at life, and are ready to become all that you ever dreamed you could be if only that fucking Dave would just fucking die then please attend our free health screening all weekend at the Clearwater Holliday Inn. See you there!

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May 14, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , ,

45 Comments »

  1. bahahhahaha oh scotty youre gonna get it now… hha

    Comment by Susi Spice | May 14, 2010 | Reply

    • I hope so Susi, I’m a born masocist.

      Thanks Susi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 14, 2010 | Reply

      • ill take that as an invitation.. hehe the safety word is bananas… haha

        Comment by Susi Spice | May 15, 2010 | Reply

        • Sold! I’ve changed mine to “woohfuckthathurts.”

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 15, 2010 | Reply

  2. Hmm, I think I’d prefer swimming in your shitty pool Scott. Anywho, I don’t think I could keep a straight face through the cleansing process 🙂 . And I prefer to believe there is a god rather than friggin aliens because the bible doesn’t mention anal probes …not even once!

    Comment by frigginloon | May 14, 2010 | Reply

    • Anal probes? I didn’t know they had anal probes. Well then, sign me up! It’s all pretty strange to me.

      Thanks Loon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 14, 2010 | Reply

    • I don’t know about that FL, have you really read Deuteronomy line by line? And between the lines too? 😉

      Comment by nursemyra | May 15, 2010 | Reply

      • I actually have and there are some pretty strange things in there, it’s impossible to know for sure.

        Oh, unless you wanted to answer Loon…?

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 15, 2010 | Reply

  3. As much as I’d like to meet Mr. Cruise so that I could punch him in his spleen and knock all of his teeth out, I think I’ll pass.

    Thanks though.

    Comment by Candice | May 14, 2010 | Reply

    • You’ll have to teach me that move; it sounds even than that five point palm exploding heart technique in Kill Bill!

      Thanks Candice!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 14, 2010 | Reply

  4. LOL, I am with Frigginloon on this one. Those scientologists are scary crazy. Tom Cruise being #1 crazy. So fill up the shit pool, we’re coming over for a swim.

    And you know they’ll be coming for you now, don’t you? Watch your back 😉

    Comment by Mrs. D | May 14, 2010 | Reply

    • It sounds like we are going to have one hell of a pool party then! I’ll have to find a Home Depot over here first though…and I’ll have the gypsies guard us while we swim.

      Thanks Mrs.D!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 14, 2010 | Reply

  5. hey, i know exactly where that holiday inn is – 5 miles from my house!

    so check this, my landlord is a high ranking scientologist and yes we live a mile from the international headquarters…they (scientologists) have bought up almost the entire downtown clearwater area which is.. a’hem prime real estate gulf-front property. what ticks me off is this, they dont pay any taxes because they are a church!!

    Comment by Lynn | May 14, 2010 | Reply

    • I know Lynn, you poor thing. I used to go down there just to try to engage them in intellectual conversations but they would never bite. Probably could tell that I was a real life version of a troll right off the bat.

      I think they’re going to lose their church exemption very soon. They are left and right now in Europe.

      Thanks Lynn!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 14, 2010 | Reply

  6. Are anal probes included??

    Comment by Bearman | May 14, 2010 | Reply

    • We can only hope so…

      Thanks Bearman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 14, 2010 | Reply

      • u worry me that you actually look forward to anal probing on you! 😛

        Comment by Susi Spice | May 15, 2010 | Reply

        • I mean as long as I’m in a ‘twilight sleep’ or ‘on very strong narcotics’ it’s all good.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 15, 2010 | Reply

  7. BTW…you need to send me a 125×125 banner so I can add you to my links page.

    Comment by Bearman | May 14, 2010 | Reply

    • Ok, I’ll try to send you something tonight.

      Thanks!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 14, 2010 | Reply

  8. Good thing you’re out of the country, Scott. Some funny, funny shit in here. Not like the pool, though. It’s weird how money and celebrity status doesn’t have anything to do with sanity. If there are so many crazies IN the news, are we totally surrounded by crazies that don’t make the news? Now I’m just scared.

    Comment by Dan McGinley | May 14, 2010 | Reply

    • What do you mean ‘not like the pool?’ Shit, you mean I am no longer funny? Don’t you know how freaked out this makes me? I’m sure you didn’t mean it….

      Scared is probably the correct emotion but it’s no fun. I say ‘fuck that, let’s go all Serge up in this bitch!’

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 14, 2010 | Reply

      • Serge up! I meant like literally, but it came out wrong, not like shit comes out wrong, like after one of those taco burritos at the Bell, but how . . . oh screw it. The post was hysterical. You’re funnier than ever. Not funny like clown funny, like in “Casino”, but smart funny . . .

        Comment by Dan McGinley | May 17, 2010 | Reply

  9. Scott, you are asking for severe grief!

    Comment by Dave Hambidge | May 14, 2010 | Reply

    • I just still can’t understand how otherwise rational people could resort to this…crap. But I wonder that about a lot of other things too.

      Thanks Dave!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 14, 2010 | Reply

      • you have proof that they are “otherwise rational”?

        Comment by nursemyra | May 15, 2010 | Reply

        • Umm…shit. No, I guess don’t. I must have gotten so used to saying that about the fundamentalist Christians that I applied it wrongly here…

          Thanks Nursemyra!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 15, 2010 | Reply

  10. Scientologists are almost as weird as the Mormons. Almost.

    Hope you don’t wake up and find your cat’s head in the mailbox tomorrow. Oh, I’m sure that story is just an urban legend. But, I would keep the pets close, just in case. haha

    Comment by Jay | May 14, 2010 | Reply

    • I’ll have to go after the Mormons soon; there is just so much I can do with their magic underwear! I don’t mean that how it sounded…

      Don’t worry Jay; I’m in rural, southern Spain. The pope’s Mafia has this shit locked down tighter than a Mormon’s nutsack.

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 14, 2010 | Reply

  11. I answered ‘no’ to the 75K part, but I do believe Xenu an intergalactic god came to Earth 75 million years ago to bury my people. So now I’m confused, am I in, or out?
    (surely bring confused counts for something, even if I am dirt poor?!?)

    Comment by RubyTwoShoes | May 14, 2010 | Reply

    • Are you sure you can’t get it? Did you tap every possible source of cash? Well…. you definitely believe all the right stuff so I’m sure that you could work something out with them. Maybe garner them 25 new recruits and serve a decade of 15 hour days with no pay on the Sea Org…?

      Thanks RTS!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 15, 2010 | Reply

  12. Hahaha!!! Great stuff, Scott!

    “75k in liquid assets…” Who doesn’t have that just laying around? Maybe just a $20 from Dave to fill out the last few zeroes.

    Either way, if that’s what’s turned Kirstie Alley into a Supersoaker-toting sea hag, sign me up! I’ve been worrying lately that I don’t look insane/hideous enough, not to mention I could use a few extra Supersoakers.

    Quantifiably hilarious stuff, Scott. Keep your eyes on the backlash…

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | May 15, 2010 | Reply

    • I figure it like this CLT; if Dave wants to stay out of hot water with our mother and possibly prison depending on the extradition laws of Fiji, he’d better come up with that scratch. Otherwise we might happen to remember what all we saw in his trunk on New Year’s Day 1997. Spoiler alert- it was a dead prostitute and a pound of crystal meth.

      Don’t you love that photo of her? Wouldn’t being a celebrity suck sometimes, like when you get fat and ugly?

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 15, 2010 | Reply

  13. My brother sent my name in asking them for more info
    that was about 15 years ago and I still get mail from them asking me how I am and inviting me to the ‘Celebrity Center’

    Comment by dianne | May 15, 2010 | Reply

    • If I were you Dianne I’d try to get them to foot the bill for you to go to Florida. Then tell then ‘no thanks’ and fight off the tranquilizer darts as you, hopefully, make it to the door.

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 15, 2010 | Reply

  14. I feel so fucking cheap. Can I join with $37.50 and an old Epiphone Les Paul copy w/Custom Seymour Duncan pickups? How about I throw in a broken scale I only used once for pot fresh herbs? Can I substitute Dave instead of me, should the “life at sea” clause take effect?

    Comment by jammer5 | May 15, 2010 | Reply

    • I believe that the current compromise consists of no money = 25 new recruits (with money) + 15 years aboard the Sea Org. Bring the scale too, it might come in handy if you get kitchen duty.

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 16, 2010 | Reply

  15. Hmmmm… I’ve already got the super soaker I use to bail my kayak so I’m good there… Tom Cruise? Um, not so much. Something just tells me he wouldn’t be that fun to hang with. I think that as a *real* scientist I’m gonna have to pass on this one and strike out on my own with my agnostic tendencies – maybe I could start my *own* cult, er, I mean, religious establishment – someone mentioned tax exemptions? I’d be good with that. I’ll let you join up for a mere $30K and some fine Spanish reds.

    Comment by Desert Rat | May 15, 2010 | Reply

    • You have a super soaker and a kayak? That’s it; I’m coming to a mostly dry place to play with you!

      I’m with you on starting a brand new church/cult. Spain could use some new holy blood; they haven’t had much change since the crusades. And it worked out great for Joe Smith and David Koresh. Well, maybe not Koresh..

      Thanks Dessert Rat!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 16, 2010 | Reply

  16. Haha!

    I can’t tell you how many times I’ve dreamt of being the ‘meat’ in a Kirstie Alley and Greta Van Susteren sandwich?

    (I’ve said too much…)

    Funny, funny stuff, Scott. The ironic part is that the times when I feel the most cloudy…confused, is whenever a) I try to wrap my head around this religion, and b) I can’t sleep and I’m stuck watching an episode of Kirstie Alley’s Fat show.

    Although I have to admit, those lemurs she has are awful cute!

    Comment by bschooled | May 16, 2010 | Reply

    • Am I supposed to guess? I’d say bologna…??

      I feel cloudy and confused when I try to wrap my mind around most (all) religioen. Honestly, have you read some of this stuff? I honestly can’t figure any of it out. Then again, I am retarded.

      I’ve never seen the Fat Actress but I can’t help but wonder if the poor girl is being typecast.

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 16, 2010 | Reply

  17. I would leave a comment but I just can’t stop laughing long enough to think of one.
    Well done!

    Comment by Karen lee Thompson | May 17, 2010 | Reply

    • Well that’s the perfect compliment then!

      Thanks Karen!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 17, 2010 | Reply

  18. You probably won’t believe this, but I wander into a Scientology Church once thinking it was AA meeting, (I was looking for chicks, not becoming powerless to God) and they kicked me out!

    Comment by Ramblin' Rooster | May 18, 2010 | Reply

    • Aww that sucks. I think I’d prefer the Scientologists to the AA people though. They probably have better coffee and snacks too.

      Thanks Rooster!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 19, 2010 | Reply


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