The 7 habits of a highly ineffective me

If you have an incredible idea for a book but want to spend all day, every day avoiding writing it, just follow these 7 highly ineffective habits that I’ve incorporated into my daily life. *These are also ideal habits for anything else you’d prefer not to accomplish.

#1- Have OCD. I personally start out every morning in an awesome go-get-em-tiger state of mind. I make sure that I start the day positively by mentally listing everything that I’m grateful for before I even get out of bed, because I once read a book that said it’s good to do that. Now I feel like if I neglect to do this one morning, everything I love and care about will catch on fire or die. Then I’d really regret having not been mentally grateful for all that stuff and all those people because, due to my criminal negligence, they’d be all burnt up, smelly and dead.

The next item on my obsessive compulsive agenda is to read and comment on anybody’s blog who has ever, in the history of my blog, left me a comment. Because if I don’t do that every single day they will all hate me and tell the entire world what a mean and evil dick I am.

#2- Begin a dysfunctional relationship with a website. I began my affair with Rapture Ready over a year ago and it’s been a nasty ride. I used to visit because I found those freaks entertaining. Then instead of being entertained by RR I became all angry and sweary every time I stopped by, but I kept going back anyway. Finally I had enough drama and broke off the relationship vowing to never return for the sake of my very soul.

But I just couldn’t stay away. RR is like a bad drug or a really ugly girl who is really good at fellatio. Now every time I’m ready to write my book I’m all like, “Well it couldn’t hurt to just peek and see what the crazy typers are typing today.” Then by the time I get out of there I’m all angry and sweary again.

#3- Have pets. Every single time I sit down to write my book my dog puts his ball by my feet and wants me to kick it for him. Then he wants me to do it again and again forever. Or instead, my cat will look at me in an irresistibly cute way until I get his ‘stick with a string tied to it’ toy and play with him. This makes Kitty love me more than he loves Wifey, which is an added bonus.     

#4- Be an exercise freak.  I believe that if I don’t exercise for at least an hour a day, and sit in the sun for an hour a day I will become obese and turn translucently white overnight. Then my teeth would probably fall out too. I’m already getting old, and I haven’t exactly overachieved (like I thought I would) in my life, and am slowly going bald one year at a time.

So if I allow myself to become a pasty white, fat, toothless, bald guy, loser then everyone will hate me. People would probably find me so repulsive that they’d throw uncooked hot-dogs at my face for laughs. Every hot-dog would hit me because I wouldn’t be fast enough to block them. And they’d probably even poke me with a stick or tie me to a chair and make me eat spaghetti until I died. Then the crime scene people would have to cut down a wall of my dilapidated warehouse-like apartment just to get my gigantic body out while laughing at me the whole time.

#5- Write a blog. It’s a perfect way to make light of a serious situation where nothing of any substance or monetary value ever gets done. It’s very cathartic though, and even more so when everyone leaves comments telling me how awesome and amazing I actually am. Then I feel really proud and happy and know that I never have to change anything!

#6- Have ADD. Every time I start to do something I become distracted and immediately want to be doing something else. As soon as I start writing my book, I realize that I’m probably overdue for a blog post. Then I have to go interneting to look for some interesting material. And as long as I’m in the neighborhood, I might as well stop in on Rapture Ready. But then I realize that I’m getting really angry and sweary again so I leave, vowing never to go back.

Then I wonder if anyone has left a new comment on my last blog, or ‘OOHH I wonder if anyone ‘liked’ my last status  update on Facebook or better yet left a witty comment?

While I’m already on here I might as well ‘like’ and comment on everyone I’ve ever met’s status updates to build some good karma for my future status updates!’

Then before I know it, it’s time to exercise and sit in the sun again.

#7- Have a caffeine addiction. Being the addict that I am I always think to myself, “I’ll just have 2 shots of espresso with a Red Bull chaser then I’ll be all geared up to write my book.” This only makes my OCD and especially my ADD (and possibly my hypochondria if I don’t really have OCD or ADD) exponentially worse, so I decide I’d better just exercise instead. Then I come back but am unable to sit still and write due to my exploding adrenal gland, so I decide to play with the ‘stick with a string tied to it’ toy to make the cat love me even more. 

Because the cat will still love me even when I’m a pasty white, fat, toothless, bald guy. Unless the cat’s all burnt up because I forgot to be grateful for him one morning.