Zodi’s Blog

Angry Letters; Me to Spain

Dear Spain,

First of all please allow me to reiterate how much I love you. I’ve told you before but I was really drunk at the time. Which was all your fault by the way. Who in the hell sells wine that cheap? And why would wine be 40 proof? Plus, when I told you that I loved you, you were high (as you usually are these days)…but I’m not here to nag, I’m here to bitch and complain.

Anywho, while I do love your beauty and appreciate your hospitality, there are a few things that are really beginning to piss me off about you.

Your taste in music really sucks ass. You have a few decent genres in your collection but rarely play them. You know how I love Spanish guitar and Flamenco but you insist on getting all wired up every night and blasting awful imitations of American pop (and no, Hasselhoff is not the ‘new Elvis’) and 80’s style rock ballads sung in a Spanish, Sinatra-like croak that leaves me wanting to dig out the remnants of my eardrums with a red-hot, kabob skewer.   

Why are you so far away from America? Your selfish refusal to move closer makes it really hard and expensive for me to see my friends.

It bothers me that you look down on your South American cousin Mexico. I think that maybe you are a little bit racist. You have to get over being pissed at them for having sex with the Mayans. That was a long, long time ago. Do you think that the Mayans’ families were happy? I don’t want you to start throwing the paella bowl at my head again, so I won’t even bring up the whole rape/murder/torture of the inquisition thing, I’m just saying, ‘let it go.’  

The way you produce weather is making me believe that you are either bi-polar or retarded. You go from freezing and snowing (a fact that you kept quiet until I was already moved in BTW) to the flaming furnace of hell, kind of hot all in one month. Did you not get the memo? There is this new and fabulous season called ‘spring,’ you should really try it sometime. All the cool kids are doing it.

You really have to do something about your old people too because they scare the living shit out of me. Every time I walk by them they grimace at me with toothless, open mouths. They hobble along on legs that must have been broken four times and never healed correctly. Why don’t you fix their legs Spain? Maybe buy them some dentures so when I look at them I don’t feel sad and uncomfortable and a little scared.

And if they can get everything fixed for free then why don’t they? What did you do to make them afraid of you Spain? If I find out that you smack around your elderly parents for their bingo money I’ll kick your ass.     

Why does no one here know what Spanish Fly is or where to get it? Why did someone name it after you if nobody here even knows what it is?

I love your language but it’s too complicated. Why do inanimate objects have to be masculine or feminine? It’s like some kind of sick perversion with you. Not everything is about sex Spain; get your mind out of the baranco. And you should make your people speak like they do on the Berlitz. I can understand the Berlitz people.

Your people sound like they’ve just snorted an eight-ball and have a mouth full of tapas….which they probably have, that’s the whole problem. You are too much of a speed freak. You even got me hooked on your black, liquid crack.

I know that this is hard for you to hear but THE MULLET IS DEAD. It’s time to find a new style. Maybe step all the way into the 90’s with a fade with your initials…!

I really do hate to break it to you Spain, but your food is nowhere near as good as you think it is. You’re so quick to try and distance yourselves from your mariachi playing cousin but I’d kill a matador dead for some good Mexican right now. Nobody wants to eat your greasy, fatty, bristly pork or to have their fish frowning at them as they try in vain to plunge a knife through his rubbery abdomen. I’ll take a God damn chimichanga over a hot, greasy paella any day.    

Or maybe you could jump into the latest health craze that’s been sweeping the globe for the last 50 years and mix in a fucking salad.    

Also, you need to start treating your animals better.    

And if you’re not a third world country then why don’t you have Eggo’s? HUH?   

Oh, and start being nicer to Portugal, he’s your little brother and he looks up to you.

I hope you can take my constructive criticism on board and make some changes. I have to warn you though, if you go bankrupt and get all stupid and crazy like Greece did, our friendship is over and I’m leaving.

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May 19, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , ,

75 Comments »

  1. EXCELLENT! The old people thing was LOLtastic! The all look like Darth Sidious, don’t they?

    Comment by Mrs. D | May 19, 2010 | Reply

    • Some of the ones here are even scarier, but I’m too scared to get thier pics.

      ThankS Mrs D!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 19, 2010 | Reply

      • BTW- do you have something called “e-mail addresses” in Espana?? Just wondering, lol.

        Comment by Mrs. D | May 20, 2010 | Reply

  2. You… are… hillarious. That’s all I will say.

    Comment by Miranda | May 19, 2010 | Reply

    • That’s saying it all.

      Thanks Miranda!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 19, 2010 | Reply

      • Indeed and you are welcome lol

        Comment by Miranda | May 20, 2010 | Reply

  3. “If I find out that you smacked around your elderly parents for their bingo money, I’ll kick your ass”!!! that is hilarious.

    Do they play bingo in Spain?

    Comment by trishothinks | May 19, 2010 | Reply

    • Yea, but it’s more scattered around the bigger cities. I think mostly due to the influx of brits tho.

      Thanks Trisho!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 20, 2010 | Reply

  4. This was one of the funniest friggin’ letters to any person place or thing, ever. I’d throw in funny quotes but there’s far too many. Please tell me you were kidding about the music. Is Hoff really, actually admired and played? Great venting . . . I need to write a letter to my town, but now I work here, and they have Saturday night lynchings. Great post!

    Comment by Dan McGinley | May 19, 2010 | Reply

    • I’ll have to try and find you some examples. The worst is a version of My Way that has gotten played three times and hour every hour for the 2 years that I’ve lived here.

      I think we are both re-thinking our decisions to use our real names. I know I am.

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 20, 2010 | Reply

  5. Oh, that was wicked funny, Scott. You’re going to whatever hell is called in Spain for sure. I’d like to write a pale imitation of this letter to my on-and-off home state of the last 15 years. (Trust me, it would be pale. Most of the inhabitants are.)

    No Eggos = 3rd World Country. Suck it, Spain. That’s just simple math. I don’t care if they’re Eggos or Eggas, either way it’s a major 3rd-world FAIL on your part.

    However, 40-proof cheap wine sounds like dangerous fun, what with all the suddenly developing ice and various hobbling oldsters to maneuver around.

    Are they still lusting (with the sangre) for DnB, Scott? If so, tell them all the cool kids moved on to dubstep and glitch.

    Roffles galore, Scott. Great fucking post!

    (I showed up to beat the rush. Your last post used up what was left of my mousewheel, which was still recovering from the Sick Days’ days.)

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | May 20, 2010 | Reply

    • I think that they call hell, whatever ‘13 minutes in the back room with the priest’ translates as since those pin the penis to the alter boy shenanigans have been going on here as well. You gotta keep those kids in line, mullet or no mullet.

      What real country doesn’t have Eggo’s CLT? They don’t even have Cinnamon Life for fuck’s sake. They want you to eat a ball of brown sugar, coated with white sugar and deep fried in bacon fat for breakfast everyday.

      They still love the DnB. It’s hilarious too; they all start out every morning with a couple stiff ones and never stop. No matter how much car driving or heavy machinery operating they may have to do.

      And your mousewheel will be just fine. I’ll be lucky to keep five or ten of the good ones. After two weeks…two? Thanks Gods I have your brilliant commentary For Life!

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 20, 2010 | Reply

  6. I’m giggling. Just what part of Spain are you in? (I can’t be bothered to stalk through your info to figure it out.) For just a couple of years, I lived in Portugal, and got to visit Spain a bit. Portugal might be sending you an angry letter, over that little brother comment. 😉

    Comment by Natalie | May 20, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m an hour up the coast from Southern Spain, just over an hour from Granada in a small village called Cadiar. I’ve never lived in the country anywhere in my life, so it’s unique even before you add in the Spain-thing.

      I was thinking of heading to Portugal in July, any suggestions for the coast? Anywhere have great surf?

      Thanks

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 20, 2010 | Reply

      • I don’t surf, so I don’t know so much there. Except that all the surfing seems to be on the west coast. The water’s warm and calmer off the south coast, and I love that. Give me the Algarve over cold surf any day.

        If you make it to Lisbon, you ought to find the Pasteis de Belem cafe, and get an order (or two or three) of the pasteis. I don’t bother eating them in the cafe. I like to eat them walking where I can see the ocean instead. Just don’t wait. They’re best warm. It’s a tourist thing, and at the same time, they’re absolutely amazing pastries, not found anywhere else the whole world over.

        Comment by Natalie | May 20, 2010 | Reply

        • I was shocked that the water was as cold as it is here. I got used to the calm, almost hot water of the Gulf of Mexico in Florida.

          I have heard of those pasteis, I just need a flight, hotel, and dog-sitter and I’m there!

          Thanks Natalie!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 20, 2010 | Reply

          • You can find authentic Pasteis at a cafe called “Sweet Belem” on New Canterbury Road, Sydney – a stretch of Portuguese eateries known as ‘Little Protugal’. Just to clarify that you can find these amazing pastries elsewhere if Lisbon drops below the rising sea levels before Sydney.

            Comment by Mitzi G Burger | May 24, 2010 | Reply

  7. “I really do hate to break it to you Spain, but your food is nowhere near as good as you think it is”

    Best meal I had in spain was in a Mexican restaurant.

    Comment by Bearman | May 20, 2010 | Reply

    • Honest to God. You have to be really, really careful what you order here or you’ll end up with a big bowl of unpleasantness. They have a decent Chinese place in Adra I hit once in a while.

      Thanks Bearman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 20, 2010 | Reply

      • I loved some of the tapas I ate in Spain but after 2 weeks of no greens I was feeling kind of ‘backed up’. It’s all pork pork pork with a bit of seafood and a lot of fried potato…. I think it must be more difficult to eat healthily over there than it is here

        Comment by nursemyra | May 20, 2010 | Reply

        • It is hard. I eat chicken breasts and veggie pasta with peppers tossed in virgin olive oil 5 times a week. Seriously.

          Thanks Nursemyra!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 20, 2010 | Reply

      • My brother got food poisening on some seafood paiea (sp?)

        Still sitting around waiting by my mailbox for that banner ad from you.

        Comment by Bearman | May 21, 2010 | Reply

        • I’m sorry Bearman. I’m not good with the computer stuff. Can it just be my avatar? If not, I swear I’ll look at it this weekend and hopefully figure it out. And *Paella is not easy..

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 21, 2010 | Reply

  8. Haha at least they don’t call a kebab a kebob!
    …Or maybe they do, what the hell would I know, I live in the ass end of the universe – and you think the States is far away, at least you can catch a train to another fucking country! The best chance of variation we have here is a four day train ride to see a different species of a eucalyptus tree

    Very, very funny Scott, Like JT simmering up the dance floor for the triumphant return of Sexy, You’re bangin on the keyboard with great abandon and bringing Angry back. Love it.

    Comment by RubyTwoShoes | May 20, 2010 | Reply

    • Is the ecosystem that uniform Ruby? That sucks. The one thing that I loved about Costa Rica was that in a 20 minute plane ride in any direction you end up in practically another country, plant, animal and culture wise. I would still love to move there, but my wife’s afraid of the whole third-world for real thing.

      And I’d still love to visit you, even if only for the company and surf.

      Thanks Ruby!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 20, 2010 | Reply

  9. LOL again.
    Hey, if your name is Scott, why is it called Zodi’s Blog?
    Just curious.

    Comment by Karen lee Thompson | May 20, 2010 | Reply

    • Zodi was just a nickname that my uncle gave me when I was a baby. I named this while I was still intent on staying incognito. That didn’t exactly work out….

      Thanks Karen!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 20, 2010 | Reply

  10. This was hilarious!

    And I have to agree with Spain’s treatment of Mexico. I’ve never been to Spain, but I think they’re just jealous of Mexico and not just because Mexico produced both Salma Hayek and Paulina Rubio either. I think they’re jealous of Mexico’s industriousness too.

    Have the Spanish set up Paella carts on every street corner all over Europe the way Mexicans have set up Taco carts all over America? Hell no. Losers. haha 😉

    Comment by Jay | May 20, 2010 | Reply

    • Haha, everyone gets on Mexico’s ass about being lazy. They are some of the hardest working people I’ve ever seen in my life. Here they start work at 9am and for all intense porpoises, are done at two.

      And so many of their beach towns are empty. No McDonald’s, no T-shirt shops, no coffee shops. It’s just crazy. I thought about opening something, but can’t since I don’t know how much longer I’ll be here.

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 20, 2010 | Reply

  11. So I am guessing your visa has been renewed? Sheez Scott, ever thought of getting a job in tourism?

    Comment by frigginloon | May 20, 2010 | Reply

    • Nope, Loon, he’s trying to piss off Joy so that wordpress never put him on the front page again and leave him with shitloads of comments to swim through! (my two expletives shoud assist in that?)

      Comment by Dave Hambidge | May 20, 2010 | Reply

      • It was fun while it lasted Dave. I was just wishing that I had a dot.com that they were rushing to like that with plenty of adsense. Ka-ching!

        Thanks Dave!!

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 20, 2010 | Reply

    • Ahh, Spain knows that I’m just teasing it for the sake of entertainment. Spain has a thick skin. Probly due to excessive pork consumption..

      Thanks Loon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 20, 2010 | Reply

  12. Well I’ll be…Spain sounds just like Ohio. Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | May 20, 2010 | Reply

    • haha…at least as far as the mullets and greasy food go huh?

      Thanks Matt!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 20, 2010 | Reply

  13. Hahahaha!!! You’ve just re-affirmed every stereotype I ever heard about Spain back when I was living in Mexico.

    The funny thing is, 90% of this could also relate to Mexico, which is why I don’t understand all the animosity?

    Then again, I’ve seen both, and they do have a way better mullatino than the Mexicans. It’s something about the way the hair cascades over the back of the neck…

    Your letters are like angry gold nuggets, Scott. But I bet you hear that all the time.

    Comment by bschooled | May 20, 2010 | Reply

    • That’s exactly what I’m here to do B; re-affirm stereotypes and rekindle centuries-old family blood feuds. And sit in the sun of course.

      I’ve spent a little time in Mexico as well, and I can definitely say that I prefer the food and the music. Spain, generally speaking of course, has more beautiful women and culture but less drug violence. Which also means less drugs.

      So all in all I guess it’s pretty much a wash.

      Then again, I need your expert opinion to be sure.

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 20, 2010 | Reply

  14. Damn it, Scott, I was going to retire there. Now you ruined everything. I guess Bajajaja California is the place for me now.

    Comment by jammer5 | May 20, 2010 | Reply

    • BTW, if the Spanish letter cops take you away, where do we send the care packages, and what do you want in them, knowing already a quality file will be enclosed.

      Comment by jammer5 | May 20, 2010 | Reply

      • I want the whole thing packed full of Percs, Vics and Eggo’s. I’m not kidding. I’m not kidding. I’m not kidding.

        Thanks Jammer!!

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 21, 2010 | Reply

    • If you’re looking for retirement you’d be better off coming here. This place is untouched by the last 200 years of civilization. Seriously, I haven’t aged a day since I moved here.

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 21, 2010 | Reply

  15. 40 PROOF WINE ?!?!? I’M THERE DUDE !!!

    Comment by HEFF | May 20, 2010 | Reply

    • I made the mistake of drinking my neighbors homemade hooch the first month I lived here. Holy shit. It was pretty much sweet-ish, red, pulpy vodka.

      Thanks Heff!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 21, 2010 | Reply

  16. “Big bowl of unpleasantness.” Hilarious and educational, especially since I’ve never been. I always imagined I’d love the food there, but mama needs her greens. Is home cooking more healthful there than restaurant fare?

    Should I not base my ideal of the modern Spaniard experience on Almodovar films?

    Interesting to know the facts behind “Zodi’s Blog.” How and why did you go from incognito to coming out?

    “Intense porpoises?” I hope that was an inside joke.

    Am I asking too many questions?

    And now I have your email address… Now you’ve done it.

    Comment by brunettehead | May 20, 2010 | Reply

    • It’s not impossible but you are limited. I eat chicken breasts and vegetable pasta almost every night of the week. There are a ton of fruits but not as many veggies as you’d think.

      Why did I come out? I’ve known that was ‘different’ since I was 3 months old and…. Just kidding, not that there’s anything wrong with that. No, I typed my name into a comment form one time and just thought, ‘screw it’ after that.

      Intense porpoises was something my friends kid used to say and I found it funny.

      No, I like the questions. It makes me feel like a celebrity. I even brought out my director’s style chair for this interview and fixed my hair.

      Thanks Brunettehead!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 21, 2010 | Reply

  17. Haha. That was funny. I need to start writing to inanimate things more often. It’s fun. Or imaginary people. Either way, great read. Keep it up!

    Comment by Michael Horn | May 20, 2010 | Reply

    • Yea, I’ve done these for months, but usually between celebrities. Inanimate objects is actually sitting in my Word documents…

      Thanks Michael!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 21, 2010 | Reply

  18. wow, this was a creative post! it made me feel as though i was there, oh and i learned too.. good one scott.

    Comment by Lynn | May 20, 2010 | Reply

    • One of these letters to Florida would be priceless. There is so much to yell at it for. But the make up sex is always fantastic!

      Thanks Lynn!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 21, 2010 | Reply

  19. that old woman can be seen in every Catholic church in Bensonhurst, Brooklyn!!
    my son used to call them the “death ladies”
    they light candles and wail at funerals and then go play Bingo

    Comment by dianne | May 21, 2010 | Reply

    • Death ladies is the absolute perfect name for them. Especially here since after their husbands die they wear all black until….well, until they die. Scary.

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 21, 2010 | Reply

  20. immm bbaacckkkk

    funny letter hehe

    loved it.

    Comment by Susi Spice | May 21, 2010 | Reply

    • Where did you go that you are now back from?

      Thanks Susi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 21, 2010 | Reply

      • 😦 no one noticed i was gone almost all week!? 😛 you suck!

        Comment by Susi Spice | May 21, 2010 | Reply

        • I did notice that you were gone, that’s why I asked where you were. Duhhhh.

          So where were you?

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 21, 2010 | Reply

  21. Best travel article ever!!! 🙂 It was brilliant & hilarious.
    I can’t believe they would try and imitate American pop music when they have an amazing sound already… That Spanish guitar can make a person do stupid things, especially if you listened to it with tequila!
    “The way you produce weather is making me believe that you are either bi-polar or retarded.” I’m still laughing about this! 🙂

    Comment by Lua | May 21, 2010 | Reply

    • I can’t figure out why Triple A let me go. They said I was too hard on everybody, but I just don’t see it.

      Oh shit, were you at that Spanish Guitar concert on St. Pete Beach in 04 doing shots of tequila with me at the Ka Tiki bar? Was that even me? Half-blackouts are a nightmare.

      Thanks Lua!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 21, 2010 | Reply

  22. You took the words right out of my mouth. Perfect.

    Comment by Belgian Ann | May 22, 2010 | Reply

    • Hey, it’s nice to see you in this world!

      Thanks Ann!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 22, 2010 | Reply

  23. Strangely in Australia the mullet is considered sexy; it is enjoying a bizarre resurgence. I don’t personally support the look and think mullet-wearers should be issued with some kind of attractiveness license before permitted to grow the beast.

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | May 24, 2010 | Reply

    • There was a brief resurgence in the states as well, when it was worn by Miley Cryrus’s dad, Billy Ray something or other. For those two weeks of his stardom it was considered trailer park chic. You’re right though, attractiveness helps anything.

      Thanks Mitzi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 24, 2010 | Reply

  24. Hahaha,very funny!
    Do they really like Hasselhoff in Spain??? Ewwww. If that is true, my friendship with Spain will suffer serious damage too..

    Comment by patissonne | May 26, 2010 | Reply

    • They really, really do. He is their God. I think.

      Thanks Patissonne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 31, 2010 | Reply

  25. dude…I don’t know what that nasty ass dredlock in the back mess is but Billy Ray is rolling over in his grave! (he is dead,right, and not actually doing kid shows on Disney?). looks to me like your boy there got a little gum (I did that once, peanut butter does not work btw) or pork paella stuck in his ‘do and while he was sleeping off last nights 40 proof party his mom got at him with a set of sheep shears. seriously, the alien Will Smith punched out in Independence Day had cuter hair…

    Comment by Mick_Chick | May 27, 2010 | Reply

    • No they really do love the dread-mullet here. I don’t think I could ever go that long without washing my hair. It itches after one day of not washing; I can’t imagine how bad it would feel after that trainwrecky situation.

      Thanks Mick_Chick!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 31, 2010 | Reply

  26. […] fact that I’m too awesome, too honest and too popular in Spain. After every Spanish citizen read my article and started demanding better haircuts, better food and more spring, the powers that be in this […]

    Pingback by I’m back but I’m still lost « Zodi’s Blog | May 31, 2010 | Reply

  27. Dear Scott,

    Thank you for saying the things we think and are afraid to say.

    You rock.

    Comment by Pamela Villars | June 5, 2010 | Reply

    • It has been very cathartic.

      Thanks Pamela, you rock as well!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 5, 2010 | Reply

  28. dude, I don’t know WHAT that dreadlock looking shit is on that guy but it is NOT a mullet! Billy Ray would be rolling in his grave (if he was mercifully dead and not pimping his daughter AND whoring…er, acting on a kids show for Disney). It looks to me like Spanish Homey there fell asleep with gum and it got stuck in his hair and his Mom cut it out with sheep shears. That happened to me once…my Mom was SO MAD! Anyway…seriously, the alien that Will Smith punched out in Independence Day had cuter hair…

    Comment by Mick_Chick | June 10, 2010 | Reply

    • You wouldn’t believe some of the hair and fashion around here, way over the top. Or way under washed. Usually both.

      Thanks Mick_Chick!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 10, 2010 | Reply

      • ohfortheloveofmike…it’s just like when I think I’ve had a conversation with someone but I really didn’t except later it turns out I did!!!!

        WTF?

        Comment by Mick_Chick | June 11, 2010 | Reply

        • Yea, I hate when that happens too. Especially when I distinctly asked you to get my father watch. –Pulp Fiction.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 11, 2010 | Reply

  29. I have to add, I think the 40 proof cheap wine MUST be a great perk to have there! Never heard of wine that strong…lol….sounds either fun or dangerous…maybe both?

    Comment by trishothinks | June 11, 2010 | Reply

    • Wine is not supposed to be flammable! My dad came to America from Italy and he made the same stuff. It tasted like Cool-Aide flavored gasoline and caused auditory hallucinations….ack!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 11, 2010 | Reply


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