Zodi’s Blog

Shape-shifters, Mike Tyson and Tara Reid’s Boobs

Something is out there and it’s stealing Tara Reid’s boobs. Sure I’ve been taking a few cold and flu drugs which are really meth drugs because that is one of the main ingredients in meth. Sure I’m still hitting the proverbial crack pipe of Spanish coffee 20 times a day. And maybe I’m not getting enough sleep because I’m on the drugs that they use to make meth with as well as enough caffeine to probably kill a meth head. But despite all of these inhibitors to ‘conventional’ cogitation, I can think more clearly than ever. And I’m almost too sane.

So I figured it out. Shape-shifters are indeed among us. I was thinking about Mike Tyson like I do every Saturday morning, and I wondered for the 52nd time in a year where his talent went when it died. Does all talent go to heaven like all dogs supposedly do? Would violent talent be allowed in heaven? What if violent talent beat up musical talent? Then you’d have Mike Tyson’s talent assaulting Kurt Cobain’s talent and that wouldn’t be fair to Kurt’s talent at all. So I guess if violent talent is allowed in heaven, it needs to be kept in a solitary confinement wing of heaven.     

like grandma's eyes

That’s when it dawned on me like dawn sometimes does after a long night of partying and I’m sitting at a table playing quarters, doing lines and telling profound stories of my pee-wee football team’s championship season in 86. Then I hear the birds chirping and I think to myself, “Why are those birds up so late, are they on coke?” Then I see that it’s way too sunny to be the middle of the night and I’m all like, “WTF, thanks a lot you stupid birds, now I feel like I should go to bed.”   

Sorry, I zigged when I should have zagged. It dawned on me that Mike Tyson was most likely slain by a shape-shifter/body snatcher right before the Buster Douglas fight. Before that fight Mike’s eyes were alive with the passion of a tiger fighting a bear in a steel cage death match where the steel cage itself is on fire and the tiger and bear are both on PCP. Now his eyes look like my grandma’s did after she moved into that home and started calling me Dick Whitman while feebly trying to smack my ass.    

If you look at film of Iron Mike before the shape-shifter ass rape (I say ass rape because I assume that’s how it’s done), you know that he would have beaten anybody, pound for pound, in their prime, in the history of boxing. Now he can’t hold his own against a washed up Holyfield? Unlike the warnings of too much mercury in tuna, I’m not buying it. This would also explain his irresistible urge to consume human flesh in that fight as well.        

These shape-shifters just suck the talent, along with the soul, right out of the host. It’s like when that bug took over Edgar the farmer in Men in Black. After the ass rape, Edgar wasn’t much of a farmer. After that, Edgar the farmer probably couldn’t farm a cob of corn if you gave him the soil, the corn, the cob and a sharp stick. –My apologies for that last sentence. I realized way too late that I don’t know nearly enough about farming to make farming jokes.     

not much of a farmer

After a week of being Edgar, the shape-shifter started to get really fucked up in the head. After some time in the meat costume that used to house Iron Mike’s soul, well… you know what happened to the poor bastard.    

This shape-shifter theory also explains what happened to Eddie Murphy as well. No human being goes from being that funny to sucking ass that quickly with out an ass raping shape-shifter’s interference. Seriously, the hilarious black man that did Delirious and Raw is inexplicably (until my theory, anyway) gone. Whatever entity that took over his body couldn’t even tell the difference between a man-whore and a normal whore, much less be able to make me laugh until I cried tears of spleen juice.    

small and perfect!

This also explains why Macaulay Culkin is no longer ‘young,’ ‘cute,’ or ‘talented.’ And I know for sure that a shape-shifter must have ass raped Tara Reid’s boobs because they are now no better at being the wondrous, happy makers that they used to be than Mike is at boxing, Edgar is at farming, Eddie is at comedian-ing, or Macaulay is at keeping Xanex out of his nervous system.


May 23, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , ,


  1. “solitary confinement wing of heaven”
    Okay, that made me snort. Well done. lol

    Comment by Miranda | May 23, 2010 | Reply

    • Hopefully there is a place in heaven (or hell) for those of you who snort when you laugh

      Comment by Bearman | May 24, 2010 | Reply

      • I was hoping more that the snorers would be segregated. Or just given cpap apnea mask.

        Thanks Bearman!!

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 24, 2010 | Reply

    • Snorting is always good; I’ll take a snort!

      Thanks Miranda!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 24, 2010 | Reply

  2. Oh oh. Hallowed ground. What if this boxer fought that boxer? I leave it alone these days because of shape-shifting rape and other variables. I always think Ali could beat anybody, because of his amazing assortment of weapons and ways to use them, not to mention size, speed, and reach. Or almost beating Norton while protecting a jaw broken in early rounds, so you have the big heart thing. Then you have Jack Dempsey, and J.L. Sullivan, and probably some caveman. And the shape-shifting rape. Could Mike beat Ali? Could Buddha beat Christ in a steel cage match, and don’t forget the Mayan serpent God . . . I too am on medicine. Funny stuff, my friend, and great eye candy. Er . . . the blonde.

    Comment by Dan McGinley | May 24, 2010 | Reply

    • I have an autographed photo of Ali done by Gordon Banks hanging in my living room. I brought it all the way from Florida and it is my most prized non-child related possession. I love Ali. As B would (and does) say I covet and revere him. And he’s just so damn cute now I just want to give him a hug and a blanket and turn on his program. But I don’t think that anyone could have beaten Mike in his Saturday morning, sprint into the ring without bothering to put on socks, make Spinks even more retarded in under a minute, early 20’s. He was an unstoppable force.

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 24, 2010 | Reply

  3. Scott –

    I don’t think you’re crazy. I don’t think you hear that often enough. But I’ll stand here, as a proud B&W avatar, and say loud and proud, this man is not crazy.

    (I realize this makes me sound crazy, but that’s just called “transference,” which means that everyone thinking that is most likely a bit crazy themselves.)

    That being said, (NOT CRAZY) I’d like to tell you how much I enjoyed this piece. You’re dead on. Tyson, Tara, that kid from Home Alone: they’re all victims of, as you so hilariously put it, “an ass-raping shapeshifter.”

    He/she/it’s a serial rapist. Those who have actually pressed charges (and were told that they were “crazy”) include:

    – Robert DeNiro (from Heat on, for the most part. Some lapses into classic DeNiro.)
    – Jamie Oliver (sure, he was great as the strangely-clothed Naked Chef but when he started strutting his clothed nakedness around our public schools…)
    – Rudy Giuliani (cleaned up Times Square and then turned everything into how he singlehandedly saved the US from 9/11.)
    – Alan Truitt (once ran one of the most entertaining blogs and comment threads ever allowed on WordPress, but lately can only be found leaving some of the most entertaining, but highly sporadic, comments in other people’s comment threads.)
    – David Hasselhoff (well, he was never majorly talented, but even the Europeans seemed to be uninclined to pick up his latest work, which centers on his struggles with sobriety and indigestion.)

    I’m sure there are many more examples which other, more focused and clever commenters will come up with. In other words, NOT CRAZY.

    I need to return some videotapes.

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | May 24, 2010 | Reply

    • Oh yea, know all about transference. I know so much about it that I made a whole game out of it. For instance when someone used to accuse me of being an asshole I knew that they were actually the asshole and their feelings of assholishness were clouding their perceptions of me. And when a woman screams at me for passing out drunk and inadvertently smearing a PB & J and a hamburger with ketchup all over the new leather couch I know that at some point in her life my wife must have done the same thing and is now just transferring blame. This is the everything is Your fault game.

      I’m sure that there are thousands of victims of the ass raping, shape-shifters and I know there are many people that I’m now keeping a close eye on; who I suspect may have been ass-raped/infected….

      Tiger Woods – He kind of put himself ‘at risk’ for that sort of thing.
      Clive Fucking Cussler – When’s the last time he put out anything good…?
      Big Ben- He’s been acting kind of strange.
      Lady Gaga – Or she might just be an alien anyway. I mean, who can tell?
      The writers of Heroes – No, that’s a definite.

      Exceptional comment as always CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 24, 2010 | Reply

      • Scott,

        If I could, I’d like to comment on CLT’s outstanding list, promptly followed by your outstanding list, all of which was triggered by your original, award-winning, safeword-generating list, the idea originally spawned by Tara Reid’s “ghetto tits”.

        Click here for clarification- http://www.laineygossip.com/Tara_Reid_engaged_21jan10.aspx

        As I was saying, with regards to David Hasselhoff, I have to disagree. I truly believe that for him, the best is yet to come. You can’t argue with his talent, I mean have you ever seen a man so dedicated to his craft that even his midnight snacks have the ability to evoke emotion?


        If you ask me, I see a future “Priceline” spokesperson…

        Comment by bschooled | May 25, 2010 | Reply

        • ps. FYI, that was a rhetorical question…

          Comment by bschooled | May 25, 2010 | Reply

          • Honestly B, who ‘gets’ your rhetorical questions better than me?

            Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 31, 2010 | Reply

        • I find your use of ‘ghetto tits’ even more gratifying than the never before heard phrase of ‘chest hams’ that the lovely Heff mentioned below. Words are just so…satisfying!

          I’m happy to give Hoff his due; he can slather down one hell of a hamburger but you’ve never seen me after a fifth or 3 of vodka trying to eat a lasagna either. It’s a thing of beauty. It’s like you with Pringles only more stucky.

          I’m happy for Tara! I really am!

          Thanks B!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 31, 2010 | Reply

    • I’ve often wondered what happened to Alan Truitt……

      Comment by nursemyra | May 24, 2010 | Reply

      • My guess is we’ll hear from Keyser Soze sooner than we hear from Alan Truitt again.

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 24, 2010 | Reply

  4. “I’m almost too sane.” I am going to ‘borrow’ that line with your permission as my little world becomes more and more surreal. Sometimes, my consciousness is so crystal clear it’s like I’m looking through a large body of water (I suspect you can relate). We are on the same plane, Scott. I’ve often wondered why birds were up so damn early (4 am in Las Vegas)…don’t those little fuckers ever sleep? Unfortunately, my body knows only too well the effects of shape-shifting over the years. I’ve been looking for a Spandex foundation to shape-shift the hell back up. Nice post, Scott.

    Comment by elizabeth3hersh | May 24, 2010 | Reply

    • You have my express written consent right here in the comment section. Although I sincerely doubt that you’ll ever need it; my copywrite infringement lawyers spend most of the day in therapy sessions with the in-house shrink. –We just have her around for her prescription pad.

      Ahh, father time is the meanest, ass-rapeingest, shape-shifter ever. Do you want me to get the shrink to write you a prescription for HGH? Maybe speed? A morphine drip always helps my condition…?

      I wanted to ask you; have you read as much Chopra and Tolle as I have?

      Thanks Elizabeth!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 24, 2010 | Reply

      • No, I haven’t read Chopra and Tolle although I am familiar with both gentlemen (and Dr. Weil!!). The Chopra-Tolle collaboration I had to look up on Amazon. Looks like an interesting read. I saw Chopra on Nightline’s “Faceoff” recently. He was pitted against Michael Shermer, publisher of Skeptic Magazine and Sam Harris, an intellectual powerhouse. The debate was on the ‘existence of God.’ I thought Harris crushed Chopra in the debate…it was one of the most fascinating debates I have seen in a long time. I was astonished to learn he (Chopra) was a ‘believer.’ That’s really all I know. Chopra has a huge following and seems extremely charismatic. I’ll let you fill in the blanks (I love to learn). A cupajoe sounds wonderful (hold the HGH and IV drip for now…I’m already a trainwreck). Thanks for asking, Scott!!

        Comment by elizabeth3hersh | May 24, 2010 | Reply

  5. Scott –

    I’ve followed your burgeoning career with somewhat prurient fascination over the past several weeks. While each post seems to randomly zig and zag throught your mind, I can usually count on at least one picture of youthful (and overexposed beauty) every four posts or so.

    While I am unclear as to whom many of these people are, I have gathered that there is some sort of connection, via an ethereal deflowering force. I’m not the superstitious type, but I have to believe that if you’re willing to tattoo your face or be raised by Mr. and Mrs. Culkin, you’re opening yourself to forces you can’t possibly comprehend.

    I saw the same sad state of affairs with our most promising platoon member during my enforced stay in Korea. James Aaronsen came from a long line of military heroes, each one more heroic than the last.

    His great-grandfather served during the Spanish-American War as a cannon loader and administrative assistant. When he wasn’t busy cramming metal balls into the nearest warpiece, he was taking dictation from a series of commanding officers whose grasp of the English language and diction was less than satisfactory.

    He worked through his frustration for 2 years, battling tinnitus and mangled English, before finally confronting his superior. He ranted for nearly 5 minutes before General Marquez shrugged and said, No habla engles.

    Well, needless to say, his grandfather beat a hasty retreat, mentally retracing his military career. He was unable to pinpoint when and where he switched sides, but he did remember feeling particularly dazed about 8 months back, when a cannon discharged before he could get safely away.

    Upon his return to his own team, he was greeted with cries of “Hang him!” and “Traitor!” Beating his second hasty retreat of the day, he returned to the Spanish side only to be hanged as a known double-agent.

    My apologies for the lengthy digression. I realize I haven’t even covered James Aaronsen’s fall from grace, but I think I’ve gone on long enough. In brief it involved some fumbling mistakes in the local cathouse, a fixed boxing match, a four-hour swim in icy waters and the formation of a religious cult.

    I hope that puts A & B together for you, Scott. Thanks for the great post and the sporadic dosage of eye candy.

    C.L. Tanager

    Comment by Clifton L. Tanager | May 24, 2010 | Reply

    • Is it just coincidence that Clifton has the same initials as Capitalist Lion Tamer?

      Comment by nursemyra | May 24, 2010 | Reply

      • It must be a coincidence Nursemyra, they don’t look anything like each other….?

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 24, 2010 | Reply

      • I’m sure it’s something more than a coincidence. First Clifton steals Don Mills’ schtick. Then he comes after my initials.

        I don’t trust him.

        Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | May 24, 2010 | Reply

    • Mr. Tanager! At last you have come to my little corner of internetdom.

      Your observations are astoundingly astute indeed. While my posts, on the outward surface seem to zig and zag there is in fact an inner order which cohesively ties everything together. For instance my irresistible compulsion to post a photo of a beautiful, scantily clad B, C, or sometimes even double D list celebrity seems to hit at approximately two week intervals.

      Your delightful war story reminded me of the only other delightful war story I ever heard told by a very serious man, a Captions Koons and it involved a war, a few POW’s, anal stashing, dysentery and birth rites. I can’t decide which story I like better but since you are the new ‘kid’ in the telling of war stories ‘town’ I’ll go with you. Just like that whore went with ‘Johnny Come Lately.’

      Please don’t apologize for your ‘lengthy digression’ I very much prefer my digressions to be lengthy. Short just doesn’t have the ‘meat’ that I so crave in a digression. Especially a late night digression.

      It was a pleasure having you stop by Mr. Tanager. I don’t feel that I am quite worthy of your attention but I hope you will continue lavishing me with it.

      Thanks Clifton!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 24, 2010 | Reply

  6. Some of the modern celebrity details in this essay are way beyond me, a self-confessed, bottom dwelling BOF, but I think I get the gist, maybe?

    I used to have a certificate on the wall that allowed me to authorise folk in britland (technically only England and Wales BTW) to be compulsory detained in psychycare if they were mad. Believe me Scott, you ain’t, yet?

    The whole concept of shape-shifters could go a very long way to explaining so many things; but what do they, the SS then do with the talent they have drained from their victim? Use it as protoplasmic energy to feed themselves whilst they search out new donors/victims? And what is their body effluent like, burn holes in the planet?

    Ah, so the ozone layer problem is down to farts from SS, not greenhouse gasses. You read it here first!

    Comment by Dave Hambidge | May 24, 2010 | Reply

    • You know that I am no good with acronyms Dave. BOF is…..buddy of Fred? Best of funk? Beautiful omnivorous flower? Bestiality only fits…? I have a feeling that I’m getting colder.

      Surely you know and remember Iron Mike? I thought you guys celebrate his profession every December 26th, or maybe I have the dates wrong again?

      You are now delving into detail in which I am not yet prepared to answer. I haven’t read enough science fiction or drank nearly enough caffeine yet. I’d venture that your guesses are probably better than mine given your knowledge of such things.

      Thanks Dave!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 24, 2010 | Reply

      • Boring Old Fart, sometimes preceded with OFa, Over Fifty and Boring Old Fart!

        Tyson I know (thug); Men in Black and/or Tara Reid, nope. And CLT’s (both of them) have names they have invented, surely?

        Comment by Dave Hambidge | May 24, 2010 | Reply

        • Ahh, yes I was way off. You may enjoy Men in Black. It was all in all an entertaining movie. It’s not great, maybe not even good, but entertaining…yes.

          CLT both of them, are real. Very real. In living black and white!

          Thanks Dave!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 24, 2010 | Reply

  7. The Apostle John suffered from the same ass-raping shape shifter shit. His follow-up to his smash hit Book of Revelation, The Apocolypse for Dummies, fell flat on Romans everywhere. Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | May 24, 2010 | Reply

    • Great comment Matt! I think that poor John may have suffered more than just the ass raping shape-shifters; I think he may have suffered from violent delusions and paranoid schizophrenia. I only mean if you are supposed to take that stuff literal…. Of course.

      Thanks Matt!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 24, 2010 | Reply

  8. Shucks, I wish the ass-raper would visit me not for the shape-shifting but for the first bit.

    On a less smutty note, today I taught “float like a butterfly, sting like a bee” to a poetry class, because life would be pointless without similes.

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | May 24, 2010 | Reply

    • Do you really? lol. Did you really? That’s awesome! Ali was a poet. Like I said in a comment above, Ali will always be my favorite boxer, maybe athlete of all time. He was just …almost royal!

      Glad you stopped by, come back!

      Thanks Mitzi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 24, 2010 | Reply

  9. Mike, Kurt and Tara in a free for all. I sense some serious shape shifting going on there: Mike with boobs; Kurt with a wicked right cross; Tara with perfect boobs . . . wait a minute!

    Comment by jammer5 | May 24, 2010 | Reply

    • Wow Jammer, I finally found someone with a mind even more out there than mine! Then again you have the advantage of the American pharmaceuticals. They help!

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 24, 2010 | Reply

      • Yes, being “out there” does tend to soothe the soul, but it does draw the crazies: a point not too difficult to make.

        Comment by jammer5 | May 25, 2010 | Reply

        • Hey, I love eating the irony with a soup spoon brother!

          Thanks Jammer!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 25, 2010 | Reply

  10. Wonderfully entertaining steam of conscious once again Scott

    Following on from the fine Mr CLT I must add that I believe Johnny Depp to have been ‘savaged’ post, say, oh -21 Jump St?! Nicolas Cage post Leaving Los Vegas, and the Black Eyed Peas post Bridging the Gap

    ps – I never knew that cogitation was a word. And for that, I thank you.

    Comment by RubyTwoShoes | May 24, 2010 | Reply

    • I thank you for your wonderful compliments, but I must take umbrage with your assessment of both Depp and Cage. I love Depp. Blow is one of my favorite movies of all time. He is just brilliant. And everybody picks on Cage, but I love him. Maybe we are the same color of crazy or something. I do totally agree with the Black Eyed Peas decline though.

      You have to be careful with me Ruby; I make up a lot of words. But cogitation is a beautiful and real word!

      Thanks Ruby!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 24, 2010 | Reply

      • haha, I knew I would ruffle some feathers with the Depp inclusion (and i actually thought the BEP one too) – he is good in Blow, and in Public Enemies, and some others, but I have a general aversion to his overacting, and real life wankiness as demonstrated in Lost In Mancha….sorry Scott! For what its worth Cage blew my mind in Leaving Los Vegas and the book remains an all time favourite read….

        Comment by RubyTwoShoes | May 24, 2010 | Reply

        • Hey, I’ll have to tell you about the time that I acted out that book. I really do have to write about it someday. The only problem is that it’s not at all funny.

          Thanks Ruby!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 25, 2010 | Reply

  11. you know Iron Mike would say, “that’s just redikulus”

    Hmmm, i’m thinkin you need to send me some of this crack-smokin coffe from Spain. For research purposes, of course.

    Comment by Candy | May 24, 2010 | Reply

    • I loved his cute little lisp; it made me want to hug him.

      You know Candy, the best coffee I’ve ever had was in Costa Rica. This isn’t as good as that, they just make it super strong and add crack (I think). I’ll still send you some if you want though.

      Thanks Candy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 24, 2010 | Reply

  12. Ass Raping Shape Shifters? Interesting theory. I wonder if they have any effect on people who like to be ass raped? They’re probably the only ones who the shape shifters can’t control.

    I miss the old Tara Reid. And by “old” I mean “young.” Remember her in the original “American Pie” movie? Holy Jeebus she was so cute.

    And, I was going to make fun of Macaulay Culkin but he gets to have sex with Mila Kunis everyday. So, he wins life’s lottery.

    Comment by Jay | May 24, 2010 | Reply

    • Oh my God I never thought of that Jay. Tom Cruise in uninfected, as he still has some talent. Perhaps you’ve given us the key to defeating these ass raping monsters!

      I seriously used to be in lust for Tara, when she was more herself. I think I’d still be in lust for her now if she just left every Be. Has she no Buddhist in her? Besides the smaller ones hold up so much better over time. The big ones just become ungainly.

      I don’t know this lover of Culkin that you speak but I’m off to the google to find out.

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 24, 2010 | Reply

  13. LOL, the pic of the farmer is great. I’ve seen that look on some very drunk friends before. And “farm a cob..”?? LMAO, too funny!

    Comment by Mrs. D | May 24, 2010 | Reply

    • You do farm a cob with a sharp stick though yea? I may need to consult with you before I make midwestern funnies…

      Thanks Mrs. D!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 24, 2010 | Reply

  14. All true and all funny. Excellent post.

    Comment by Michael Horn | May 24, 2010 | Reply

  15. your posts are similar to a grateful dead tune in that sometimes you get off-track, follow a different road and somehow end up at the beginning..a long strange trip indeed scott!

    Comment by Lynn | May 24, 2010 | Reply

    • Yea if the Grateful Dead were on all kinds of drugs….oh wait…yea. I totally get it! Best. Compliment. Ever.

      It was a compliment right?

      It’s a style I’m playing with… it is fun. We’ll see.

      Thanks Lynn!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 24, 2010 | Reply

      • yes, it’s a great compliment, go with it man.

        Comment by Lynn | May 25, 2010 | Reply

  16. I think you’re on to something but it’s got lots more conspiracy theory work before your concept is ready to go live. For example, don’t forget that Macaulay Culkin spent more than a few nights at Neverland. Plus he was pulled over in Oklahoma where he no doubt had contact with Edgar at some point before spending the night in the Okie slammer.

    Comment by Thomas Stazyk | May 25, 2010 | Reply

    • Holy shit; I don’t know how I missed it but good catch! Michael Jackson was, maybe still is, the king of the shape-shifters (plus the king of pop). We watched MJ shape-shift before our very eyes, turning from a proud black man into a timid, sickly white man. Poor Macauley never had a chance. Someone needs to make sure he’s really dead. Unless he turned into ……Lady Gaga…!

      Thanks Thomas!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 25, 2010 | Reply

  17. I swear they have all been abducted by aliens before being anal probed and sent back as losers. Those damn aliens have sucked all the genius juice right out of them!

    Comment by frigginloon | May 25, 2010 | Reply

    • So anal probing is a more delicate term for ass raping or another procedure altogether?

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 25, 2010 | Reply

      • I’m guessing a more delicate procedure, as no one seems to be complaining about being abducted and cavity searched 🙂

        Comment by frigginloon | May 26, 2010 | Reply

        • Believe it or not, the American Psychiatric Association has a special interest group that investigates the validity of alien abduction; many of the shrinks accept that it happens, FFS!

          Comment by Dave Hambidge | May 26, 2010 | Reply

  18. can ass raping shape shifters be raped by other ass raping shape shifters?
    and if so then what happens?
    there’s so much to think about!!

    here in the bowels of NJ we have to wait on line and show ID to get cold meds, just in case we’re really running a meth lab in our gazebo

    Comment by dianne | May 25, 2010 | Reply

    • Now I think that you’ve given me too much to think about Dianne, because now I’m stuck thinking about ass-raping shape-shifters ass-raping each other. Ugh.

      We had to do that in Florida as well.

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 31, 2010 | Reply

  19. I hear ya on ALL COUNTS, EXCEPT Tara Reid. The plastic Doc removed her chest-hams.

    Comment by Heff | May 25, 2010 | Reply

    • Chest-hams is a new one for me and I love it! I think.

      Thanks Heff!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 31, 2010 | Reply

  20. My grandmother calls me Roger Sterling…go figure.

    Still, as I am sure you are aware of my blogging doula duties, I am distressed at the repeated use of the term ass rape. Surely, you could find another term that denotes repeated anal violations (not that I know anything about long, generous bouts of anal intercourse) and use that to add interest to your otherwise serviceable blog.

    It’s shoddy work that always exposes one. Frankly, it was literary lapses like this that caused Andreas Baader and Ulrike Meinhof to get apprehended. Sure, they were good at kidnapping and murder, but a sloppy memo here, a poorly crafted manifesto there and boom–you’re in das slammer.

    I’ll be watching you Mr. Zodi. Auf Wiedersehen!

    Comment by Harmony | May 26, 2010 | Reply

    • Harmony! I’ve been waiting forever for you to venture over into my blogoland. And of course you’d come on the very post where I repeatedly use ass-raping humor. This is my bad in a big way.

      Although I don’t know this Andreas Baader and Ulrike Meinhof that you so eloquently mention you can bet your no doubt pristine ass that I’m going to google them. In a very non ass-rapey way of course.

      So do you really think that my blog is…serviceable? That’s hot.

      Thanks Harmony!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 31, 2010 | Reply

  21. So Scott, if there are talent stealing shape shifters, maybe there are those that come down and inject talent too? It would be like all that talent that went to heaven suddenly got reincarnated. Victoria Beckham might suddenly shape shift into a genius composer. The Milky Bar kid would grow Tara Reid boobs …

    Comment by Bethan Stritton | May 27, 2010 | Reply

    • It’s funny Bethany but I was going to go down that road but my other rambles went to long so I had to cut that part out. You have terrific comedic instincts…obviously. I’m going to have to use the google on this Milky Bar Kid though.

      Thanks Bethany

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | May 31, 2010 | Reply

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