Zodi’s Blog

I’m back but I’m still lost

I’m sorry that I haven’t been here for you guys during the past few days but it wasn’t my fault. My only culpability lies in the fact that I’m too awesome, too honest and too popular in Spain. After every Spanish citizen read my article and started demanding better haircuts, better food and more spring, the powers that be in this county decided that I had to be stopped.

The fascist, censoring fucktards cut off my ability to internet last week. They also cut my phone so I think they were also probably trying to kill me. Because that’s what killers do; they cut the phone wires before they cut the throats of the victims with farming tools. Which is kind of stupid because it’s way easier to kill someone with a gun than with a wheat thresher. 

Is that a wheat thresher? Fuck. I told you not to let me tell farming jokes. I don't know enough about farming. Remember?

I think they wanted me internetless and/or dead because I insulted their mullets, food and taste in music. The terrorists who claimed responsibility said that they didn’t get their money, which comes out of my bank by whatever the opposite of direct deposit is, (…the thing where your money magically disappears instead of the thing where it magically appears? Direct withdrawal? No, that sounds like what would happen if you used a crack-like heroin.) but there was money in the bank and it’s worked every other time so I think they just wanted to silence and/or kill me with a wheat thresher. But I’m not dead so they must suck at murdering people as much as they suck at hairstyling and spring. Hear that? Suck it Spain! Come and get me fuckers!

I loved my time ‘off the grid’ though and I accomplished 13 billion percent more than I normally do in a week. I did a bunch of stuff that I can now blog about to keep us all entertained for months. I saved another dog. I painted the kitchen. I learned quantum physics. I climbed mountains…or at least really gigantic, steep hills.

Ohhh, and I noticed that my ADD is nothing more than a side effect in direct proportion to my internet consumption. Without the world wide web flowing freely into my living room I was able to sit down and write my book without the compulsive need to stop in the middle of a sentence to google every girl I’ve ever dated with the words ‘anal porn’ to make sure that due to our breakup they didn’t fall into a spiral of self loathing, crack-like heroin addiction and anal porn. The last time I checked they were all anal porn free. And thank God because who would want to be responsible for that sort of thing?

I also saw the finale of Lost during my forced exile from Internetland. Because of this I also spent a great deal of my days ‘accidentally’ brushing up against (not in the creepy, stalkery way. In the creepy “I hope we used to have sex in another life/parallel universe” kind of way. Which is slightly less creepy.) super hot women just in case it would allow me to wake up and remember my super awesome adventures in a past life/parallel universe where I saved humanity from some obscure bad thing. –No luck yet but I’m still hopful.

Anyway, I’m back.

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May 31, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , ,

78 Comments »

  1. After seeing your post I decided to google the names of ex girlfriends along with anal porn. Unlike you many results turned up. Much to my dismay I had that kind of effect on women. Much to my delight I had that kind of effect on women.

    Comment by Bearman | May 31, 2010 | Reply

    • How about “bearman” and “anal porn.” I’m loathe to try it myself but I’m guessing there’s a whole funky (and hairy) subculture thriving in the shadows of that particular word combination.

      Welcome back Scott.

      Comment by Donald Mills | June 1, 2010 | Reply

      • If you really want to be scared, you could refine the search to include “Sasquatch.”

        Comment by Thomas Stazyk | June 1, 2010 | Reply

      • You’ve just given me a fantastic idea for a website Don.

        Thanks Don!!

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 1, 2010 | Reply

      • I tried googling that for laughs Don and I got 12,800 responses! naughty bearman!

        Comment by nursemyra | June 1, 2010 | Reply

        • It sounds like a few people beat me to the anal punch. damn.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 1, 2010 | Reply

        • If only I thought to make money doing this.

          Comment by Bearman | June 1, 2010 | Reply

          • Apparently there is big money in anal porn these days….

            Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 1, 2010 | Reply

    • Hahaha I can see how that would be dismaying and delightful at the same time Bearman. When it comes to anal porn though; it’s better after the dating has ended than before it has even begun.

      Thanks Bearman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 1, 2010 | Reply

  2. Welcome back; be nice to your hosts, just in case…

    Comment by davehambo | May 31, 2010 | Reply

    • I thought I was being nice…

      Thanks Dave!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 1, 2010 | Reply

  3. Yay!! You’re here!!!!

    Now I don’t have to spend my days Googling my ex-boyfriends with the words “Donkey Punch’. (Although I don’t know why I would, seeing as that goes without saying…)

    I’m so excited about the book, Scott! Oh, and I knew you’d be out there saving some kind of animal. (That goes without saying too.)

    Comment by bschooled | May 31, 2010 | Reply

    • I only have one question B; were the ex boyfriends the givers or the takers of said punch? Ooh, second question; are you up for a blackmail scheme?

      Don’t be too excited about the book, I only finished a few chapters. But it was a few chapters more than usual.

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 1, 2010 | Reply

  4. I see you’re continuing with your insanity in the posts, guess after all they couldn’t silence you permanently. 😀

    Comment by Mahfooz Hasan | May 31, 2010 | Reply

    • My insanity never ends Mahfooz, it’s like trying to get to the end of a romantic comedy. Besides they’d need more than a wheat thresher.

      Thanks Mahfooz!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 1, 2010 | Reply

  5. “Suck it, Spain” made me snort out loud. Glad to hear you got some work done on your book! I would be reading The Power of Now like you suggested but alas, the library has been slow as fuck in getting it to me. Sigh.

    Comment by Megan @Momlarky | May 31, 2010 | Reply

    • I enjoyed my time Off. The. Grid. –I think that’s how I’m supposed to type that combination of words…?

      That’s the whole problem with Now; it just never fucking comes, then it goes and you’ve missed it.

      Thanks Megan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 1, 2010 | Reply

  6. Welcome back.

    Is that a wheat thresher or a Jeffrey Dahmer kitchen appliance?

    Comment by Thomas Stazyk | May 31, 2010 | Reply

    • I believe it could be used as both.

      Thanks Thomas!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 1, 2010 | Reply

  7. See, dude, I warned you about blogging about Spain’s bad food, bad haircuts and short springs. Thank God you listened! I’d have been seriously in a complete downer mood if they killed you with a wheat thrasher, or maybe a corn-cob stripper, for at least a few minutes.

    Now for the really really serious stuff: What color did you paint the kitchen?

    Comment by jammer5 | May 31, 2010 | Reply

    • I do appreciate your dire warning Jammer; but I could be in a complete downer myself if you’d only mail me all those wonderful U.S. pharmaceuticals.

      I have to do a short post about the painting, it was ….different. We didn’t have much of a choice so we went with yellow. Pics to come..

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 1, 2010 | Reply

      • I sent you a bunch but BP confiscated them and used em for a junk shot. Damn mexi-canadian drugs didn’t work anyway. I say we stop all foreign drugs from entering the US at all costs! What? None are made here? Never mind.

        Comment by jammer5 | June 1, 2010 | Reply

        • Oh what I wouldn’t give for some of your wonderful ‘junk shot’ Mexi-Canadian foreign national Peruvian coca Afghanistan poppies right now!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 1, 2010 | Reply

  8. Holy Barcelona Lodi-Man! Sounds like they almost got you. Eat more chicken, it will keep them confused.

    Comment by Micky-T | June 1, 2010 | Reply

    • I beg a million pardons…….Zodi-man!

      Comment by Micky-T | June 1, 2010 | Reply

    • I should be safe then because chicken breasts are just about all I do eat here. At least 5 nights a week.

      Thanks Micky!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 1, 2010 | Reply

      • It’s crazy that WordPress doesn’t allow you to edit your own comments. Crazy!

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 1, 2010 | Reply

        • I agree, once I submit, you own it!

          Comment by Micky-T | June 1, 2010 | Reply

          • You wouldn’t believe how many comments I wish I could ‘take back.’

            Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 1, 2010 | Reply

      • You can’t delete them either. I guess it’s to provide proof of everything that you have ever said.

        Comment by Mahfooz Hasan | June 1, 2010 | Reply

        • I wonder how many holes I’ve dug myself into over the years…?

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 2, 2010 | Reply

  9. Welcome back!

    Comment by Miranda | June 1, 2010 | Reply

  10. Scott, I hate to admit, but I took some level of comfort in your absence, thinking that you too may be feeling a touch lazy and uninspired, but damn you for having a *real* excuse! (although I guess I could pull out ‘death like pain and destruction of visit to the in-laws’ if anyone comes asking…)

    Anyway, I am glad yr time off the grid served you so well, however I’m a little concerned that you blew all of yr *new and exciting* material when you wrote the two lines about painting walls and walking up hills, unless of course you plan on ‘padding that out’ with how you came to rescue a dog that was about to be anally prodded with a wheat thresher…

    Comment by RubyTwoShoes | June 1, 2010 | Reply

    • Lazy and uninspired are pretty much my natural states of being Ruby. At least they were until you introduced me to the wonderful world of meth amphetamine addiction. Now I’m full of the vigor and spice (I think that’s what you call it. But it burns..) of life. And I like never have to go to bed. And I get to see a lot of cool stuff happening that may or may not actually be happening.

      In answer to your question; yes, I was going to use filler. But I think you may have spoiled the surprises without so much as a *spoiler alert* warning.

      Thanks Ruby!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 1, 2010 | Reply

  11. I’m glad you’re back. Unless they finally succeeded in killing you. Which would suck. I’m kind of worried that you might be bragging too soon. Spain has done a lot of shit to you and they’re not big on getting too much done in one day. Or even in a week. You know how those Euro Socialists are all unionized and drag everything out. I mean, God forbid someone be 2 mins late for siesta or something.

    So, if you’re still around, then cool beans. 😉

    I haven’t googled any ex girlfriends and “anal porn” yet, bit I will. I also thought about googling some girls I knew in school, but didn’t date along with “anal porn.” I actually know of one who I will get some hits for. I went to college with Kobe Tai. You may have heard about that. I’ve mentioned it on my blog about 9,522 times. LOL

    Comment by Jay | June 1, 2010 | Reply

    • Holy shit Jay, I hadn’t even considered it but you’re totally right. After I paid to have my internet installed in the first place it took two months to get done. And when the technician arrived he sat on my front step drinking a beer (I’m totally serious. They all drink on their breaks) smoking cigarettes (which he ground out on my steps) and talking loudly on his cell phone. If they are planning to kill me they may not even make the attempt until they’re back from their ‘summer holiday’ sometime in November. Thanks for reminding me to stay vigilant!

      Tell me when you find your search results…

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 1, 2010 | Reply

  12. After your letter, I figured the authorities must have done something about your existence! Welcome back Scott 🙂
    Keep up the good work, I’m sure all that brushing up against hot women will pay off and we’ll find out that we owe you our lives in some twisted parallel universe!

    Comment by Lua | June 1, 2010 | Reply

    • Thanks for the well wishes. I’m sure that there are thousands of parallel universes out there. It’s the only explanation for my still being alive; when I die in one I go to another. So I’m sure that I’ve already saved the world’s ass in at least one if not hundreds of them.

      Thanks Lua!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 1, 2010 | Reply

  13. Scott, I wondered what happed to you! Now I know. When I lived in Miami, I had something called WatchAlert installed on my phones (in addition to four surveillance cameras, flood lights around the entire periphery of the house, Door Clubs, cell phone backups, you name it…). WatchAlert is an adjunct to your central monitoring system that is activated if your phone lines are cut. I think all this paranoia really got going after seeing the ‘wood chipper’ scene in the movie Fargo (and to a lesser extent the drugs…?). The point I am trying to make, Scott, is that I can relate to threats of international assassination plots involving wheat threshers. I really get it!! And you made it out alive!! On the other hand, I am insanely jealous that you had time to study quantum mechanics. I’ve been sitting on a biography of J. Robert Oppenheimer for months and haven’t found (made) time to read it.

    Incidentally, you are 100% right about the ADD observation. If I would get off the damn net I could read my book (but, not before checking out your blog). Welcome home.

    Comment by elizabeth3hersh | June 1, 2010 | Reply

    • You lived in Miami? Damn, I lived on St. Pete Beach for five years and that’s where I’ll go back to assuming that I’m not murdered first. Anyway as a fellow Floridian I know that no level of security is ever enough security. Florida is like the old west. Only with more crackheads, astronauts in diapers, semi-automatic weapons, drug wars, race wars, gang wars, land usage wars and plastic alligators. God damn I miss it!

      I’ve been meaning to read that as well. What I actually read was The Universe in a Nutshell. The easy stuff. I wouldn’t even try to mess around with the real stuff involving math…

      Where do you live now?

      Thanks Elizabeth!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 1, 2010 | Reply

      • Fabulous Las Vegas!! One block from the Las Vegas Strip and loving it! You got that right about Florida (in fact, you nailed it). Believe it or not, it’s just as weird here in Las Vegas than it is in Miami Beach, although it’s a whole different set of problems. Like you, I miss it. The Tropicana on the south end of the Strip is undergoing a much needed restoration and the theme is ‘Miami Beach Art Deco’…I can’t wait until it’s finished. Ah, the memories!

        Comment by elizabeth3hersh | June 1, 2010 | Reply

        • I owe at least part of that sentence to Tim Dorsey. I highly recommend him, his books are hilarious and epitomize everything Florida.

          And I agree Vegas may be the one place in the US that can compare with Florida in the crazy department. When I move back, I am coming to visit! If not you then at least your fab city…

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 1, 2010 | Reply

          • It would be my pleasure to show you around town, Scott. I don’t have any ‘connections’ but the bars are open 24 hours and like Florida, craziness abounds. One fun and happening ci-tay!!

            Comment by elizabeth3hersh | June 3, 2010 | Reply

  14. Feel free to brush up against me anytime.

    I did not understand ‘Lost’ from when Jack (the doctor?) performed Ben’s back surgery. From that point on, I was lost. I’m not sure if I will ever get back to the island(s).

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | June 1, 2010 | Reply

    • Well thanks for the kind offer, I guess we’ll have to go to a really busy club where you are forced to walk sideways.

      You have to start over and watch the whole thing. No body understands what the hell was really going on and they never really did explain it to any level of satisfaction. But it was still one of the best series of all time in my opinion. Right up there with The Wire, Sopranos and Curb Your Enthusiasm.

      Thanks Mitzi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 1, 2010 | Reply

  15. You know I had the same problem Scotty, Kim Jong friggin Il tried to defriend me, but I just told him to Google “himself” and “anal prob” and he hasn’t harassed me since!

    Comment by frigginloon | June 1, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m temped to google that myself but I’m afraid that I’m still being watched and don’t want to have to answer any awkward questions.

      Thanks Loon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 1, 2010 | Reply

  16. How do you kno wthat it was the Spanish government trying to shut you up? The American government has very long arms. Very…lonnnng…arms. Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | June 1, 2010 | Reply

    • I don’t ‘know’ but I strongly suspect based on the 17 empty beer cans and 39 cigerette butts that were found next to the sliced cables. If it would be enough evidence for Matlock then it’s enough for me!

      Thanks Matt!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 1, 2010 | Reply

  17. THANK GOD!!!! So I see the Spanish have a Big Brother too, eh?

    Comment by Candy | June 1, 2010 | Reply

    • They do indeed Candy, he’s called Hermana Grande.

      Thanks Candy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 1, 2010 | Reply

  18. Welcome back, Scott! I just got back from Maine so we were on the same level for a while – no phone, internet, sanity, etc. Lots of anal among the locals though, using various types of farm equipment. Some original mullets kept-up quite well. No Hoff music, though. Just two kinds; Country AND Western. Glad there’s a few miles between me and them.

    Comment by Dan McGinley | June 1, 2010 | Reply

    • Uh and wasn’t it just heavenly Dan? I personally regained some of my lost sanity. It’s was all gone again within 5 minutes of having the internet once I chanced upon a sneaky little video called 2 girls 1 cup. –I admit, I don’t really ‘get it.’

      I didn’t know that Maine was all West Virginia-y and Jesco White-y. Damn. Why DO they call it country and western?

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 1, 2010 | Reply

  19. Amazing how productive you can be when you DON’T blog, huh ? lol !

    Comment by Heff | June 1, 2010 | Reply

    • It made all the difference in the world Heff. We could eradicate poverty and cancer in one day without the net.

      Thanks Heff!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 1, 2010 | Reply

  20. Glad to see you’re back. Nice way to re-enter the blog world after a short absence. It’s like you entered your high school Senior prom, but instead of sporting a nice tuxedo or a pricy limo, you shot the gymnasium up in a spectacle of red, glorious fireworks. Great post. Keep it up as usual.

    Comment by Michael Horn | June 1, 2010 | Reply

    • You brought back a great memory of Basketball Diaries and a horrible memory of Colombine with that comment Michael. So you are saying that I’m a bad ass…?! I appreciate it!

      Thanks Michael!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 1, 2010 | Reply

  21. I forgot to give you your welcome back present!

    Comment by bschooled | June 1, 2010 | Reply

    • Holy shit that was a big bowl of awesome with Chuck’s Cheery Cherry Nuts Of Steel on top! I found one the other day where he stared down a bear B. A fucking BEAR!

      Thanks B, that was the best present ever!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 1, 2010 | Reply

  22. I wondered where you disappeared to! You’re usually my 1st commentor on my posts, but not last week and I was devastated 😉 I’ve not been “all here” either… slacking off a little myself, but not b/c the govt is out to get me LOL.

    And I have no idea what that red thing is!

    Comment by Mrs. D | June 1, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m glad I was missed. It is awesome to take a break from Internetland every once in a while though, due to government silencing/assassination attempting or not.

      Thanks Mrs. D!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 1, 2010 | Reply

  23. You sure you’re not just blagging us about all that internet connection thing? It’s okay Scott … you CAN have a week off just to chill out, watch Lost and google your ex girlfriends!

    Comment by Bethan Stritton | June 1, 2010 | Reply

    • No my net was really stolen this time. I do plan to do a shitstorm of traveling over the summer though, so you guys will really miss me then. Now that I live in Europe I figure that I’m owed at least 19 weeks of paid vacation. Yay!

      Thanks Bethan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 1, 2010 | Reply

  24. gld youre back! i also have that thing where my money magically disappears too.. it’s called the weekend!! 🙂

    Comment by Lynn | June 1, 2010 | Reply

    • Don’t even get me started on the weekend Lynn. Holy Christ now I’m paying for another stray dog too….

      Thanks Lynn!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 1, 2010 | Reply

      • you know what i hate? when i need to war glasses over my glasses to find my comments on this blog.. there. i feel better now. 😐

        Comment by Lynn | June 2, 2010 | Reply

        • That’s why I wear contacts Lynn…much easier to fit glasses over!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 2, 2010 | Reply

  25. Welcome back, Scott.

    I’m glad to see you didn’t decide to fall off the grid permanently, but rather that it was the work of dirty foreigners. They just can’t be trusted no matter how native they are.

    Anyway, that’s a thresher as far as I’m concerned. Anything that looks like it could be hooked up to something else and in a matter of minutes remove vital limbs is probably a thresher. That or a combine. Either way: farming = death. Steer clear of it.

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | June 2, 2010 | Reply

    • I may decide to fall off the grid permanently depending on a certain grand jury’s decision. -Keeping my fingers and DNA crossed. It was fun while it lasted.

      You don’t have to warn me twice about farming. I usually try to avoid anything that involves the risk of catastrophic injury. I also avoid anything that involves any of the words (but especially if used in combination) work, hard, manual, labor, toil, soil, reap, sow, sweat, ..did I mention work?

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 2, 2010 | Reply

      • Two words, Scott: witness protection.

        Comment by elizabeth3hersh | June 2, 2010 | Reply

        • Sammy The Bull and Henry Hill soured me on the idea Elizabeth.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 2, 2010 | Reply

  26. I am imagining feeding heads into the wheat thresher
    Is that wrong?

    If it gets really bad there and you need international intervention just let me know
    I’ll blow Bill Clinton and we’ll come get ya

    Comment by dianne | June 2, 2010 | Reply

    • If imagining feeding head into the wheat thresher is wrong Dianne, I don’t wanna be right.

      You’d….you’d blow Bill for me? I’m honored!

      Thanks Dianne!!

      P.S. I wouldn’t go down on Hillary for anybody….sorry.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 2, 2010 | Reply

  27. I found myself recently worrying about the internet going down forever, Or changing. Dog rescuing is always a good thing. We rescued two turtles from the yellow line in the road and a neighbors cat in our tree. It’s been a long week.

    Comment by starlaschat | June 2, 2010 | Reply

    • This damn internet landscape is forever changing isn’t it?

      Spain is a nightmare when you love animals. We’ve had to save tons of kittens, cat’s, puppies and dogs. They won’t get their ‘pets’ spayed (or keep them in the house) they’d much rather just dump them by the side of the road. It sucks.

      Thanks Starlaschat!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 2, 2010 | Reply

  28. Scott,
    You learned quantum physics? Wow…I’m impressed! You don’t seem like the geeky scientist type….hmmm…well, maybe you are….lol.

    Comment by trishothinks | June 4, 2010 | Reply

    • Ahh, you know my propensity to exaggerate. No, I only read a book. And it didn’t go into any kind of depth on the math side…thank God. Nope, nothing to see here….

      Thanks Trisho!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 4, 2010 | Reply


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