Zodi’s Blog

Short Angry Letters

Dear Sun,  

If I were alive a really long time ago I would have worshiped you. You make me feel warm and happy and safe. You are so full of life that you make everything you touch crisp, colorful, bright and sparkly. I love the sparkly!  

 I’d like to know why you won’t allow me to look at you? Do you think that you’re better than me? And did you go on vacation this winter? Please don’t do that again. And please stop making my car and plastic lawn chairs so hot.  

Thanks in advance. 

Dear Dog,  

When you drag your ass across my floor I find it simultaneously repulsive and hilarious. Still, you’re a good boy! Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy? You’re a good boy! You’re a good boy! Yes you are!  

.

Dear Mr. Monkey Stuffed Animal,  

I’ll always love you Mr. Monkey!

You were my favorite, most bestest friend EVER! Together we explored jungles, went deep sea diving, hit a home run in game 7 of the world series with a full count and 2 outs in the bottom of the ninth, won the Superbowl, became world champions of life, saved the president, saved the president’s daughter and exterminated evil monsters and aliens.  

You were my everything. So why don’t I even remember what happened to you? I hope you didn’t get kidnapped or raped or murdered or set on fire because I forgot to be grateful for you one morning…  

If you get this letter Mr. Monkey, please come home.  

.

Dear cheap Spanish toaster,  

Why do you blacken one square inch of my toast while leaving the majority in the original, bread-like form?   

.

Dear Rapture Ready people,  

I would very much appreciate if you guys would just hurry up and get raptured. Or realize that you are not going to get raptured and get on with your lives. Your certainty that you are going to be raptured as well as your certainty that everyone else is evil unless they believe that exact same thing that you do is quite distracting. And upsetting.  

If daily life is just too horrible for you to endure and you are positive that this life is nothing more than a waiting room filled with undesirables then you should seriously consider suicide.  

Jesus will understand.  

.

Dear Prison Break,  

  

4 seasons of going through hell to save everybody else and you make Michael die? Fuck you.  

You’re a dick.  

.

Dear Housefly,  

You are even more retarded than Penis, Dog or Rapture Ready People. You just buzz around near my ear and juke and jive when I try to kill you. And you know how you fly really fast circles around the room then go bounce on the window for awhile? You don’t have to do that any more.  

.

Dear Spider,  

Please kill Fly or leave immediately. I’d prefer you to do both.  

.

Dear Watermelon,  

I enjoy you so much. I would happily delight in your succulence a lot more often if you would only learn to contain yourself and stop dripping your sweet love juices all over my face, hands, arms and clothing.  

Or you could at least wait until we are home alone and in the bathtub naked.  

.

Dear Time,  

You are a tenacious, driven, greedy, mean, unforgiving, evil bitch aren’t you? I wish you would go choke on an industrial wood chipper and die.  

.

Dear Ice Cream Headache,  

You are thwarting my ability to eat ice pops and snow cones at the speed that I wish to enjoy them. And you really fucking hurt. Please stop.  

.

Dear Sphincter,  

I’m going to need a little more consistency form your work. Sometimes you seem to cut my poop in half, leaving me to have to wipe 34 times and use an entire roll of toilet paper. Could you be a little more patient from now on?  

Thanks  

.

Dear 24 Hour News Personalities On Both Sides Of The Propaganda War,  

  

Please stop scaring people and making them all ragey. It’s not very nice. I know that you have to make a living, but you also have to live with yourself everyday. Right? Think this through. And to the one person (you know who you are) who actually believes the verbal excrement that you haphazardly spew at the simplest of the simpletons and nuttiest of the fruitcakes every night, please get help. A non-stop Thorozine drip or a full frontal lobotomy would suffice. The rest of you guys are still allowed to be famous, just don’t be such xenophobic sycophants about it.  

.

Dear Kitty,  

Why do you want to sleep when I want to play and play when I want to sleep? Please stop being so nocturnal. And aren’t you supposed to be territorial? Please murder Spider and Fly.  

.

And if you’d like to experience all the comedy with none (or at least a lot less) of the cursing, drugs, gratuitous sex and violence, and bathroom humor found here please take the time to visit Mr. Clifton L Tanager He’ll give you advice as unsolicited as a dead prostitute. –Get it? Because you wouldn’t be soliciting a dead prostitute. Unless you’re a freak. Which I’m clearly not. Seriously.

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June 2, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , ,

92 Comments »

  1. Ahh. Too excellent. I should consider writing to my future self because I’ll probably be a loser when i’m older. Or a success. Hmmmmm. Oh well. I won’t really write it anyways. I just say stuff like that to make myself feel just a wee bit more productive. Anyways, great as usual. Keep it up! Loved it.

    Comment by Michael Horn | June 2, 2010 | Reply

    • If I could write to any of my ‘selves’ it would definitely be to my past self. I’d love to be able to tell me what to study in school, who to date, who to marry (or not) and what numbers to play in the lottery and especially, especially not to do that ‘thing’ in Vegas that one time.

      Thanks Michael!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 2, 2010 | Reply

  2. Damn, I was going to get in first, I was! The new CLT is shaping up well, perhaps mine will… see you at HC tomorrow…

    Comment by davehambo | June 2, 2010 | Reply

    • You have to be quick on the buzzer around here Dave. I didn’t know you had anything new in the works…?

      Thanks Dave!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 2, 2010 | Reply

  3. Eating watermelon naked in a bathtub would make LOTS more sense! It’s such a mess that I rarely buy them. But with this new idea I might buy several this summer! Thanks, Scott 😉

    Comment by Mrs. D | June 2, 2010 | Reply

    • You have no idea what you just did to my state of mind. I’m craving naked, bathtub watermelon like crazy now.

      Thanks Mrs. D!! And I mean it.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 2, 2010 | Reply

      • Your welcome… I’ll be sure to take pics 😉

        Comment by Mrs. D | June 3, 2010 | Reply

        • Ohmygodyesyespleasedothatyou’llmakemeso HAPPY!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 3, 2010 | Reply

  4. Never scold your penis….

    Just BEAT IT ‘TIL IT PAYS ATTENTION !

    Comment by Heff | June 2, 2010 | Reply

    • I usually don’t scold, only kind of nag. Unless I’m in the mood for punishment in which case I beat the living shit out of it.

      Thanks Heff!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 2, 2010 | Reply

  5. Glad to hear your not a freak. ;+) Funny stuff. I’m sure I’ll be pondering this later.

    Comment by starlaschat | June 2, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m not, I swear. Hope you had a good nights sleep…

      Thanks Starlaschat!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 3, 2010 | Reply

  6. Haha. Awesome stuff.

    Except for the fact that I’m not that far yet in Prison Break I thought it was a great read!

    Comment by mynameiscassiex | June 2, 2010 | Reply

    • Oh shit… sorry. I thought I was the only one that far behind in pop culture. There are honestly alternative endings though, one in the show and one in a movie…

      Thanks Mynameiscassiex!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 3, 2010 | Reply

  7. My heart is stuck with Mr Monkey. Let’s hope he was kidnapped by a rich elderly couple who wanted to shower him with gifts and would never forget to show their appreciation. Perhaps they have passed away now and he is living with a bevy of beauties in a Hugh-Hefner-like mansion. I think he would look quite rakish wearing gold chains and a smoking jacket.
    Oh, and, by the way … Dear Scott, when talking to your sphincter, could you speak in an obscure foreign language or use ESP.

    Comment by Karen lee Thompson | June 2, 2010 | Reply

    • Lucky Monkey; I wish a rich, elderly couple would have kidnapped me. Especially if it later involved smoking jackets, gold chains…though I prefer platinum, a bevy of hot blonds and brunettes, and a sizable inheritance.

      I do speak to most of my anatomy in either Italian or Spanish, but I felt that my sphincter and penis deserved a public berating in English this time.

      Thanks Karen!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 3, 2010 | Reply

  8. Some people have trouble taking thoughts and putting them on paper, but apparently you have no trouble with this; nice job.
    If I were to write something similar I would write, “Dear Brain, why you you always think of the coolest things when I’m driving 70 mph down the highway, and why does your memory suddenly go blank when I try to recall it later?”

    Comment by primewords | June 2, 2010 | Reply

    • Thanks. For me the greatest, most money generating of nefarious schemes and/or master plans come just as I am drifting off to sleep. I usually can’t make myself wake up enough to write them down. But I always wish I had.

      Thanks Primewords!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 3, 2010 | Reply

  9. Ohmigod, how annoying is it to have to use all that toilet paper?! I am so with you on that one.

    Comment by Megan @Momlarky | June 2, 2010 | Reply

    • I mean, I always thought it would get wiser with experience and age but I’m almost afraid that it may be getting worse. What will happen when we are actually old? The horrors to come…

      Thanks Megan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 3, 2010 | Reply

  10. “dear sphincter”… hahahaha… that one really cracked me up

    Comment by nursemyra | June 2, 2010 | Reply

    • I thought you might enjoy the anatomy duo.

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 3, 2010 | Reply

  11. Odd coincidence. My Dog wrote me recently to advise that he finds it both simultaneously repulsive and hilarious when I drag my ass across the floor.

    However, he did indicate that he found it more repulsive than hilarious and would appreciate it if I stopped or “took it outside.” Sometimes that Dog has more nerve than a bad tooth.

    Comment by Donald Mills | June 2, 2010 | Reply

    • I always find it hilarious how Dachshunds can arrogantly (and hypocritically) maintain an air of superiority. They are much like politicians and Family Research Council founders in that regard.

      The next time he complains you should calmly explain the you prefer the feel of the lambswool area rug to grass.

      Thanks Don!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 3, 2010 | Reply

  12. naked bathtub watermelon is excellent fun!
    just ask penis, if he’s anything like the penii I have known he’ll agree

    Comment by dianne | June 3, 2010 | Reply

    • You’re right; Penis agrees. Is the plural of penis really penii? That is fucking awesome!

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 3, 2010 | Reply

  13. Is there a reason you wrote to your monkey right before your penis? I think there should be some spank the monkey joke in there somewhere.

    Comment by Bearman | June 3, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m sure that Freud could fill a few journals pondering the significance of my ordering. Also consider sphincter/news personalities.

      Feel free to bring the monkey spanking jokes….

      Thanks Bearman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 3, 2010 | Reply

      • I thought I already brought it. haha

        Comment by Bearman | June 5, 2010 | Reply

        • True but you are allowed to get graffic…if you so choose.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 6, 2010 | Reply

  14. Dear Scott,

    Please stop writing letters that reference summer, sun, fun and ice cream, while we are in the grips of a gloomy, grey, cold and wet winter down here on the ‘south side’ of the equator.
    Please especially stop doing that while peppering these free frolicking summer fun images with the images of a stiffened and aroused penis, asses wiping across floors, and stuffed monkey’s being raped.
    It’s just not right. In fact, its downright confusing, i don’t know if it leaves me wanting to suck an ice cream, or suck a….ok, scrap that. Lets just leave it at confusing – vivid – but confusing. And of course, very, very funny.

    Comment by RubyTwoShoes | June 3, 2010 | Reply

    • I always forget that about Oz, Ruby. I didn’t think that the weather really ever got too bad down there. I’ve gotten used to Florida where in the winter I’d be freezing and have to wear a jacket if it was under 60. No one told me Spain got cold or I never would have signed up for this.

      Since the great Dr. Freud was referenced above, perhaps you’d like to go into more detail about what exactly you’d do to the ice cream. Pictures or video would be extremely helpful.

      Thanks Ruby!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 3, 2010 | Reply

  15. Kitty is afraid of both the spider and the fly. You’ll have to kill both of them for her. haha

    Comment by Jay | June 3, 2010 | Reply

    • I honestly think he is Jay. Maybe he got stung by a bee and it pussified him…?

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 3, 2010 | Reply

  16. Laugh out loud funny. You just kill me. Would you write a short nasty letter to the dove that built a nest in the tree branch over my car and is now shitting all over it? Oh, and either, oops, accidentally pushed one of her eggs onto my car or has a premature case of sibling rivalry on her hands. I can hardly wait for the babies to hatch and start crapping all over the place, too.

    PS. Glad you’re not a freak.

    Comment by Desert Rat | June 3, 2010 | Reply

    • Dessert Rat! I haven’t seen you in ages. Thank God you’re ok, I was beginning to worry that you got hooked on the runner’s high and were doing laps around a dilapidated building in East Baltimore by now. I’m just glad you’re clean and safe.

      Tell me about it, I have to park under about 50 birds. A car wash is good for about 3 minutes of clean…

      Thanks Dessert Rat!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 3, 2010 | Reply

      • I’m clean and safe and ever questing for my next endorphin fix – but it hasn’t been easy. Damn bird is now crapping on my mountain bike (which is on the roof of the car), too! Where will the insanity end!?

        Comment by Desert Rat | June 3, 2010 | Reply

        • I guess it won’t ever end until we brush up against someone who we slept with in real life and realize that this world is just a dream/purgatory. Or I could be way off…

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 4, 2010 | Reply

  17. Maybe you could outsource your sphincter to BP and they could use it to shut off the oil!

    Comment by Thomas Stazyk | June 3, 2010 | Reply

    • It would still let about half through though. Penis on the other hand would stop that flow cold.

      Thanks Thomas!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 3, 2010 | Reply

      • That’s what we need! A bunch of dicks running the show… oh, wait…

        Comment by Desert Rat | June 3, 2010 | Reply

        • You hit the dick on the head. Great point…s.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 4, 2010 | Reply

  18. Dear Zodi,
    Please, oh please stop being so hilarious, your jokes come to my mind when I’m on the bus and Rapture Ready people look at me like I just murdered their mother when I laugh out loud!
    I have one of those houseflies as a pet, it’s really really tiny and it flies right in front of my eye! Love it 😉

    Comment by Lua | June 3, 2010 | Reply

    • Holy shit…you’ve seen Rapture Ready people in real life? What did they look like? How did you know they were the RR people? Were they trying to set homeless people on fire?

      I’m sorry I got so excited, I’ve just never seen one in real life before. I hope you got pics or video…!

      Keep trying and eventually you’ll kill the fly.

      Thanks Lua!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 3, 2010 | Reply

  19. Dear Scott,
    your epistolary post has rendered me near senseless with a severe case of chuckleitis. Expect to receive a doctor’s bill from the replacement of my spleen. The organ was found in the neighbourhood swimming pool which was the point of the lower arc of the parabola it followed from the origin of my burst insides caused by an excess of mirth. The letter to your penis should be censored not for obscenity but for the physical harm it poses to the ordinary reader.
    The other main tragedy of the erruption of my spleen was that I could not complete reading the post and will have to resume once the nurses aren’t looking.
    Yours,
    Re-spleened

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | June 3, 2010 | Reply

    • I’ll have to write your spleen a letter of apology then. Don’t worry it’s no trouble as I have to send between 40 and 300 letters of apology a day. Depending on what day it is. Fridays and Saturday are generally more apology letter inducing days than Tuesdays. As you can well imagine…

      Thanks Mitzi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 3, 2010 | Reply

  20. Thanks for the early AM smiles – it’s too early to laugh, but I almost did! 🙂

    Comment by Evil Twin's Wife | June 3, 2010 | Reply

    • I guess I’ll have to try harder next time ETW. Or you could wait till the late afternoon. No, wait till nighttime and you’ve had a couple glasses of wine.

      Thanks ETW!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 3, 2010 | Reply

  21. Bwahahahaha!! Oh, yes. I think this is one of my faves. I would like to someday steal this idea for a post. I would be giving you all the linky credit, of course. Good stuff.

    I’ve got that fly’s friggin’ third cousin once removed living in my house and that little fucker has got to GO!

    Comment by Candy | June 3, 2010 | Reply

    • This letter writing thing has certainly evolved into Crazybeast lately. I admit it is some fun shit to write. Feel free to use it whenever you like. I’m sure I stole the idea from somewhere myself I’m just not sure if it was a stand up comedian, an 80’s sitcom, or a bad hallucination.

      Thanks Candy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 3, 2010 | Reply

  22. Thanks a lot, now you’ve ruined Prison Break. F***, next you are going to tell me everyone was dead in Lost! Blaahahahaha I have the exact same toaster 😦

    Comment by frigginloon | June 3, 2010 | Reply

    • But I was just kidding about Prison Break. They all go off to live on a farm where my first dog Lucky lives with my goldfish. No, Lost was all Hurley’s acid trip.

      Thanks Loon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 3, 2010 | Reply

    • i didnt even know prison break was still on im glad someone died about time. i gave up on them half way through the season when they wouldnt friggin BREAK OUT OF PRISON! i get very frustrated when i dont see results hehe.

      Comment by Susi Spice | June 4, 2010 | Reply

      • I liked seeing them in the prison, especially the South America prison. It looked cool as hell!

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 4, 2010 | Reply

        • Blahahahaha I have never watched it 🙂

          Comment by frigginloon | June 5, 2010 | Reply

          • Oh you should. It was a fantastic series. Top 10 all time.

            Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 6, 2010 | Reply

  23. That is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time!!!

    Comment by Lisa | June 3, 2010 | Reply

    • Then you haven’t been coming by here often enough. Or by the hilarious people on my blogroll’s sites!

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 3, 2010 | Reply

  24. Dear lottery, when are you going to stop being all evasive like a fly and let me win, so I can go to Spain and party like a rock star with Scott? Feckin Powerball . . . how many number combos can there really be? Oh . . . yeah. Damn. Now you got me writing to stuff. Fantastic post!

    Comment by Dan McGinley | June 3, 2010 | Reply

    • I think my letter to the lottery would be the longest post I’ve ever written. But a make up letter would soon follow since I’m about to hit it big. BIG!

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 4, 2010 | Reply

  25. Scott –

    Pardon my severe tardiness. I’ve been otherwise detained talking to people I’ve never met before, and of course, one thing led to another and then someone says, “Well, will you look at the time…” and we all agreed we should get some sleep and meet again next week, only with enough pipes for everybody.

    I’m very impressed by this fine set of succinctly written letters. Short, to the point and sometimes incredibly graphic. I’d give my right arm to write like that, but unfortunately, a mixup in the M*A*S*H* tent during reattachment resulted in this arm being only approximately 40% “original factory parts.” The remainder belongs to the US Army until the paperwork can be sorted out. (They’ve given me a deadline of 2012.)

    I’ve often tried my hand at short, punchy letters but somehow things always run a bit long.

    I’ll begin:

    “Dear Sears Warranty Department,
    I would like to call your attention to the lack of quality service at your store in Wichita, KS. I was returning a recently purchased socket wrench set after I discovered that I had mistakenly selected a metric set, which has been widely acknowledged as, if not actually ‘Satanic,’ then surely it is a large step in that direction.”

    All well and good. Now to sum up the rudeness of the clerk in a couple of descriptive sentences.

    “The clerk (James) refused to issue a refund, stating that these tools were still of some use, if only I’d update my furniture and/or bicycle. I countered that if I was interesting in updating my life, I wouldn’t be shopping at Sears. One thing led to another and his supervisor (Al) was brought out.”

    Good, but starting to run on a bit…

    “Now I have known several Als in my lifetime, many of them in a professional capacity. I’m not sure what your hiring standards are, but every Al I’ve had the misfortune of dealing with is very overweight, guttural and usually linked tenuously with the mob.

    Now we’ve all been union employees before and we recognize that the mob serves a valuable purpose as an intimidating force. We all like it when they’re on our side, but in this day and age, the cement shoe is often on the other foot, roughly speaking, and their rough hewn violence often causes more problems than it solves.”

    Ah. Now we are completely lost…

    “Suffice to say that Al lost himself a very valuable customer and possible punching bag that day. I took my ill-fitting socket wrenches, threatening never to set foot in that store again. Al agreed that this was a good idea and offered to pack both my tools and myself into the trunk of my car. I demurred as I knew for a fact that there was only room for one or the other thanks to a still-disassembled kitchen table that needed to be returned to IKEA.

    (Apparently the Swedes need to learn a thing or two about proper packing techniques and to steer clear of useless, proprietary allen wrenches. This says nothing about their eerily blonde looks and general air of contemptuous civility.)”

    I could go on but I already did. Suffice to say that a short letter from me arrives only once in a very blue moon.

    Thanks very much for the advertising, Scott. Like my father used to say, “There’s nothing funnier than a dead hooker.”

    (At least I think that’s what he said. He had been drinking and I had been steadily tuning him out after a couple of “when I was your age” phrases had been thrown around. He might have said, “There’s nothing funny about a dead hooker.” Either way, thanks again.)

    Sincerely,
    C.L. Tanager

    Comment by Clifton L. Tanager | June 3, 2010 | Reply

    • It’s fantastic to see you Clifton,

      Consider you’re tardiness forgiven and forgotten. Much like a Baldwin brother who has found God. Besides, this is the internet so I don’t think this post is scheduled to ‘come down’ until well into the 40th century.

      My sincerest apologies go out to your right arm as well. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, you just could not find adequate medical care anywhere near the 4077. They were nothing but a bunch of damn cross-dressing, alcoholic, hippie, commie bastards who would rather dry hump each other or play poker than re-attach limbs.

      As you can probably tell from my never-ending posts and even more(?) never-ending comments on other blogs I have a severe problem stemming the outward flow of words as well.

      What I’ve had to do in the interests of efficiency (because remember Clifton; the more angry letters you write, the more likely it is that someone will eventually give you some free shit) is to drastically condense, even eliminate, the facts and add a crackhead employee and/or a sexual assault.

      I can’t tell you how many free Admiral Feast meals that trick has garnered me from the Red Lobster.

      Always a pleasure to see you,

      Thanks Clifton!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 4, 2010 | Reply

  26. “Dear cheap Spanish toaster,

    Why do you blacken one square inch of my toast while leaving the majority in the original, bread-like form?”

    Forgive my intrusion, but it sounds like you could use my help.

    Really, all you need to do is to take those two slices of untoasted bread and lay them side by side on the counter. Then, after buttering each slice sparingly, take two slices of deli meat, placing them both on the slice to your left.
    Spread a generous amount of mustard on the slice to your right, then pick it up and flip it (ensuring the yellow-side stays facing down)onto the meat-laden slice.

    Put it on a decorative plate, and serve with your favorite (non-alcoholic) beverage.

    Trust me, after taking a bite into this tour de edible force, it won’t be long until you’ve forgotten all about that cheap Spanish toaster of yours…

    Comment by sandwichmaker | June 4, 2010 | Reply

    • Your intrusion needs no forgiveness, much like a Baldwin brother who has intruded in the life of another, lesser, Baldwin brother who may or may not have been a crackhead. What I’m saying is that you’re like a sandwich (or better yet one who makes a sandwich) for sore eyes.

      I have to tell you sandwichmaker, that I tried your recipe today and found that it was indeed a tour de edible force on a paper plate (sorry I don’t ‘do’ decorative) indeed. The bread, the butter on the bread, the meat and especially the mustard were simply divine.

      I’ll be coming to you for all of my sandwichmakering needs from this point forth!

      Thanks Sandwichmaker!!
      PS: Now will you please go make me a sandwich?

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 4, 2010 | Reply

  27. Why is it that every time CLT Sr comments, I feel I have nothing left to say? When I read his comments, I feel like I have been up all night to finish the final chapter of a book I have been immersed in for weeks. I softly close the book, sigh, mutter “damn, that was good” and head off to bed. I really must get here earlier in the day as I know Tanager to be an early riser. Great post, Scott. With my adult onset ADD you have no idea how these little vignettes appeal to me (and hold my attention!).

    Comment by elizabeth3hersh | June 4, 2010 | Reply

    • I know exactly how you feel Elizabeth; every time I read, and then respond to Clifton I feel like I’ve been up all night on a cocaine and ecstasy binge and now although super happy, just can’t quite string words together in any way that makes sense.

      And sometimes these little vignette posts, as you aptly dubbed them, are all my ADD will allow me to write. But as long as I can bring a smile to your debutantish lips, I will remain a happy man!

      Thanks Elizabeth!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 4, 2010 | Reply

  28. Dear Scott,

    I understand your frustration at my constant readiness but you should be friggin bloody happy that at your age I am still saluting the captain. If you wish for me to take my long service leave I will submit my final functioning date to you by COB tomorrow.

    kind regards,
    your Penis

    PS Stop looking at Susi Spice…she is part of the whole problem…

    Comment by Susi Spice | June 4, 2010 | Reply

    • Dear Penis,

      Allow me to reiterate; I very much appreciate your willingness, even exuberance to function ‘as needed’ but when I simply have to urinate in the middle of the night, there is no need for all that drama.

      And if you ever do quit; I’m sure it would only help me learn to concentrate…finally.

      PS that is a hot avatar. Brings back memories of my time with that chick from Roger Rabbit.

      Thanks Penis!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 4, 2010 | Reply

  29. immm bbacccckkkk hehe 😀

    I too used ot have a monkey!!!!

    I called him Wilbur 😀 i miss Wilbur i dont know where he went

    Comment by Susi Spice | June 4, 2010 | Reply

    • Did you spank it? The monkey I mean.

      Comment by jammer5 | June 4, 2010 | Reply

      • jammer! lol *shaking head at you*

        Comment by Susi Spice | June 4, 2010 | Reply

    • Did you really? I loved that thing. I think he was a Curious Goerge but…?

      I’m glad you’re back!

      Thanks Susi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 4, 2010 | Reply

  30. Sun: “But remember: in five and a half billion years, your ass is mine!”

    Dog: “If you actually sniffed where I dragged my ass, you’d change your mind, like quick!”

    Monkey stuffed animal: “Fine and dandy, but you could have pointed that thing the other way when the hormones were raging.”

    Penis: “Hehe . . . payback for sticking me in Mary Sue when we were drunk.”

    Cheap Spanish toaster: “It is art, senior. The study in contrasts is something grand and also something you Western scum will never understand!”

    Rapture ready people: We understand your unwillingness to be rapturized because leaving this earth, via rapturization, is so final. But we love you anyway. BTW: you can’t take the bling with you”

    Prison Break: “You only think Michael died. We are, after all, Hollywood.”

    House Fly: “I also eat shit and bother people. Kinda like your boss, or Spain for that matter.”

    Spider: Eat Fly? Not even big enough for a snack. Now, La Cucaracha? Meals on legs, my man.”

    Comment by jammer5 | June 4, 2010 | Reply

    • hahaha nice

      i got one for the toaster..

      Senor… but is siesta time when u wan de toas

      Comment by Susi Spice | June 4, 2010 | Reply

      • Na uh, I only want toast at 9:20. You forgot my schedule.

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 4, 2010 | Reply

    • Sun- I’ll already be dead by approximately 5 and a half billion years by then though so technically you won’t be getting me at all unless you use the skin cancer clause.

      Penis- I’ve never met a Mary Sue. Ha!

      Toaster- I’ve learned to overcome your inadequacies.

      Prison Break- Yay Michael’s alive!

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 4, 2010 | Reply

  31. Sphincter: “Hey, asswipe (Hehe, pun intended!), I got a say in this shit. It’s a reminder if you don’t quit that illegal shit, prison ain’t stopping half way, and shit leaves, it don’t return, know what I mean?”

    Comment by jammer5 | June 4, 2010 | Reply

    • Even though I don’t know precisely what illegal ‘shit’ you may be referring to presently, I’ve been involved in illegal shit for years without getting caught. I’ll contact you again only when I need to shit out that ‘product.’

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 4, 2010 | Reply

  32. You forgot to tell your penis that you’re really annoyed that you have to masturbate in order to piss in the middle of the night. All of the tugging can lead to chaffing, which in turn can lead to infection.

    Dicks don’t like infection.

    The letter to the sphinter was my fav, btw.

    P.S- Do they have Charmin double roll there in Spain, or are you stuck wiping your ass with some cheap ass, one ply of sand paper?

    Comment by Candice | June 4, 2010 | Reply

    • No, no, no Candice there’s no masturbating in the middle of the night. There’s no masturbating when I have to pee. And there is especially no masturbating in the middle of the night when I have to pee. I don’t even think it would be possible; too much pressure in the system. If it did occur it would end like the BP spill…not at all.

      Surprisingly there is at least good tp, thank God! Still no Eggo’s though.

      Thanks Candice!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 5, 2010 | Reply

  33. hey buddy got my video uploaded 😀

    Comment by Susi Spice | June 5, 2010 | Reply

    • Very cool video Susi, wish I were there!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 5, 2010 | Reply

      • hehe i wish i was back there now. I wish i had taken more videos now. but i was busy from 7-5 and the sunset early so i didnt get too much of a chance to do more videos. this video i shot in the morning we were departing for the second leg of the work trip to Broome. Ill put up photos of that too.

        Comment by Susi Spice | June 5, 2010 | Reply

        • I’d love to spend a few months traveling through that and living (or more likely dying) off of the land.

          I can’t wait to see the rest of your pictures!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 5, 2010 | Reply

          • yeah u do NOT want to get lost in the bush especially up in the kimberley. If you get lost you have a 90% chance of being dead in less than 3 days even if you have food and water with you, because of the venomous snakes, spiders and other creatures. but its wonderful. I am seriously thinking of saving up and going up there for a weekend another time. But i hate going alone. Im more of an extrovert but if im alone i become an introvert and i wont go out or do much. so i have to find someone to go with hehe.

            Comment by Susi Spice | June 5, 2010 | Reply

            • That would be scary going with me then. Considering that I get lost in cities that I’ve lived in for years and years. Even though I love nature, I’m not good with directions. And if I was a bad ass snake or spider I think I would run as fast as I could while shrieking as loudly as I could.

              Thanks Susi!!

              Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 6, 2010 | Reply

  34. Angry Letter to the Editor:

    Dear Mr Scott O…

    I am sitting here without my partner on a Sunday and hence have nothing to do right now. I came across to your blog to get some much promised entertainment. You have failed to do this, I feel that as a loyal reader you have not satisfied me as such and request compensation for this drudgery and slowness in posting another great post. nevermind that I take forever to do a great post… I do not compare my greatness to yours. Therefore I am not the subject of this commentary. Please write soon as I am in great need of entertainment.

    love
    susi spice

    Comment by Susi Spice | June 6, 2010 | Reply

    • I know, I know…if only I didn’t have so much else going on. I am posting another one today and it is a marathon post which should leave you entertained for the rest of the day. Even hours after you’ve read it you will be able to think back….and chuckle merrily.

      I hope 5 hours from now works for you.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 6, 2010 | Reply

      • *twiddling thumbs,swinging legs happily anxiously waiting…*

        Comment by Susi Spice | June 6, 2010 | Reply

  35. I hate monkeys. Hate the fuckers even in stuffed animal form. On this point there is no negotiating. Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | June 6, 2010 | Reply

    • How could you hate monkeys? I’ll never get that about you Matty…WTF? They are so damn cute.

      Thanks Matt!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 6, 2010 | Reply


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