Zodi’s Blog

Dead Demon Fish and Bill Murray

Having already decided to go ahead and make a sizable percentage of my fortune on greeting cards and more of my fortune on even more greeting cards, I sat down and went over some of the numbers. I reached the same conclusion that Hallmark did when they realized they weren’t yet ‘fuck you rich’ and promptly decided that the world needed more holidays.          

So I thought I’d use you guys to test market some of these and hopefully get some positive feedback. Please take these new holidays out for a test run and let me know what you think.        

   

 

White Guilt Day!        

This holiday will be held on the day following Martin Luther King, Jr. Day to make sure we hit our target market at their guiltiest. I believe that with this day we can finally heal our multi-cultural wounds that have been festering in the shadows for too long. Because nothing says, “Oops. I’m really sorry that my people kidnapped, butchered, enslaved and oppressed your people (careful not to say ‘you people’) for the last 300 years like a greeting card, or if they are feeling really generous, a coffee mug or t-shirt (available in XXX Large only.)        

Whites, and even blacks who have betrayed their race by going ‘all Hollywood’ would also be encouraged to use this day to assuage their guilt towards their Mexican landscapers, Guatemalan maids and the nanny from one of those Baltic states with a specialty gift card. (I’m going to make deals with some of those ethnic chain restaurants like Chi Chi’s and Ponderosa.)     

Black people AND old people love the Ponderosa. Yay Ponderosa!

My dream is for people of every color to use White Guilt Day(!) to spend their money on cheap cards and gifts in an effort to placate the minorities in their employ to ensure continued cooperation. It’ll be like Secretaries Day only guiltier. And possibly more condescending.        

 

I’d Kill You If I Thought I Could Get Away With It Day!        

I would just simplify and call this holiday Fuck You Day but studies have shown that Americans (cha-ching!) are opposed to profanity more than violence or murder. This holiday will be celebrated on July 5th just because people will still be too hungover from the fourth to want to fight. This special day will provide us with the cathartic opportunity to express our stabby, killy feelings towards those in our lives that fall between “you are mildly annoying, I’d love to shoot you in the face with a crossbow” level of hate and the “I despise your very existence with every fiber of my being and I’d like to drop you in a pit of acid filled with zombie snakes with piranha teeth but then pull you out before you were all the way dead just so I could then drop a nuclear bomb filled with rabies on your acid eaten, zombie snake bitten body” level of hate.        

Dead Demon Fish; the best 'fuck you' in the business!

I would sell all the usual crap but also a high priced specialty item; a dead, demon fish wrapped in a newspaper. This is for the people who hate enough to send the very best. Because nothing says “I’d Kill You If I Thought I Could Get Away With It” like a dead, demon fish wrapped in a newspaper. We learned this from The Godfather and it is still truthy today.       

 

Merry Mulligan Day!                   

This is by far my favorite new holiday. For this High Holy Day we’ll just need the universe to cooperate by setting it’s natural laws on fire and throwing the physics book out the window like it did for God when he wrote the bible and did all that cool stuff like making light before he made the sun or stars. The beautiful thing about Merry Mulligan Day is that we can do anything we want without any of the unpleasant consequences. We’ll all get to be just like a big bank CEO for a day. The world will be our oyster. And for me personally, the local pharmacy, the local bank, and the Zombie Snake with Piranha Teeth and Rabies Filled Nuclear Bomb Clearance Center will be my oyster.        

I could fight that huge, mean gypsy chick just to see if my left stab and overhead pistol-whip are both still up to snuff. I could jump off of a tall building to retest my flying experiment that failed so miserably when I was 7. I could also retest my robbing an armored car experiment that failed so miserably when I was 25.        

Best of all we could kill all of the people that we told we wanted to kill (with a dead fish, gotta remember to upsell) on I’d Kill You If I Thought I Could Get Away With It Day!        

Merry Mulligan Day would be held on Groundhog’s Day to commemorate the great Bill Murray who inspired Merry Mulligan Day with Groundhog Day (the movie) and who plays the best zombie ever even when he’s not a zombie but is in a zombie movie, as seen in Zombieland.        

The great Bill Murray

So do me a favor and try these holidays out and let me know if you think that they need a little tweaking (which is something else you can do on Mulligan Day). I’m always open to constructive criticism… especially with I’d Kill You If I Thought I Could Get Away With It Day coming up soon.

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June 12, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , ,

76 Comments »

  1. Okay, now comes the difficult part: A constitutional convention to pass said holidays as yearly occurrences, or maybe weekly, depending on how one reacts to holiday #2.

    Might I add a “Whack a dancing with the stars” holiday, to be held the day it starts?

    Comment by jammer5 | June 12, 2010 | Reply

    • ditto to the whacking a dancing with the stars”

      Comment by davehambo | June 12, 2010 | Reply

      • lol i like that one! whack whack whack! hheeeeyyaaahhh!!!!

        Comment by Susi Spice | June 12, 2010 | Reply

        • You mean like a whack a dancing with the stars star day? Like where you get to whack out the stars? I’d be cool with that as long as Mario Lopez and Emmit Smith were off limits.

          Thanks Jammer!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 12, 2010 | Reply

  2. Holy shit, tupac really isn’t dead!!! He’s been shacking up with Betty white all of these years!!

    Comment by Candice | June 12, 2010 | Reply

    • I knew it…

      Comment by Ron-Yves Strouteau | June 12, 2010 | Reply

    • Holy shit Candice, I knew I could count on you to uncover some Jeraldo Rivera shit like that!

      Thanks Candice!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 12, 2010 | Reply

    • play on playa

      Comment by Lisa | June 12, 2010 | Reply

  3. Strong support for the first two, total failure to understand the third! Perhaps additions to the “xxxxx guilt day” could be “Parental guilt day”, “Sibling guilt day”, “employer guilt day”. employee guilt day” “significant other guilt day”…

    Comment by davehambo | June 12, 2010 | Reply

    • The white guilt day will certainly be all inclusive.

      Mulligan day is simple. Nothing you do ‘counts.’ No consequences!

      Thanks Dave!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 12, 2010 | Reply

      • why didn’t you say so! Yep, sign me up for that one as well, please!

        Comment by davehambo | June 13, 2010 | Reply

        • You have to start golfing Dave… You are properly signed up!

          NIce match last night huh…. *(Ahem)

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 13, 2010 | Reply

          • The british media are crucifying the man as we type…

            Comment by davehambo | June 13, 2010 | Reply

            • I’ll bet they hang Green at least. They should.

              Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 14, 2010 | Reply

  4. lmao i luv em.. i wanna hear more about these experiments like “robbing an armoured car experiment”
    You could rename the last one Happy Reaper day hehe

    Comment by Susi Spice | June 12, 2010 | Reply

    • How about the 10 years in prison experiment I did for around 7 and a half years after?

      Thanks Susi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 12, 2010 | Reply

      • no way!!! lol

        i cant believe im talking to a real crim! actually ive done that before too many a times… in my last job lol

        man spain will let in anyone wont they? LOL 😛

        Comment by Susi Spice | June 13, 2010 | Reply

        • I hear that Spain is the new Australia. I didn’t emmigrate here, I was exiled here.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 13, 2010 | Reply

          • exiled hahaha u get more and more intriguing by the day

            Comment by Susi Spice | June 13, 2010 | Reply

  5. Oooh, I like “I’d Kill You If I Thought I Could Get Away With It Day”! I would have many cards to buy for that holiday. And Merry Mulligan day sounds very nice! There are several things I’d like to do w/out facing consequences.

    Comment by Mrs. D | June 12, 2010 | Reply

    • That’s what I love to see D; good ole American consumerism! Remember Groundhog Day and how it inspired your imagination? It did me.

      God bless Bill Murray!

      Thanks Mrs. D!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 12, 2010 | Reply

  6. I’m totally on board with each of these.

    I plan on spending Mulligan Day with a trunk full of blow and a couple of strippers.

    Comment by Jay | June 12, 2010 | Reply

    • hehe this reminded me of an episode of futurama where bender says
      “im gonna start my own casion..with blackjack and hookers… in fact.. forget the black jack” lol

      Comment by Susi Spice | June 12, 2010 | Reply

      • I have to remember to start watching that show again…

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 12, 2010 | Reply

    • That sounds like the opposite of the way my night usually ends. With a couple blows and a trunk full of [dead] strippers.

      Kidding, I kid.

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 12, 2010 | Reply

  7. to retest my flying experiment that failed so miserably when I was 7.

    Bwhahahahahaha….been there done that!

    Comment by Micky-T | June 12, 2010 | Reply

    • I really, really hurt myself. Fucking stupid cement driveway.

      Thanks Micky!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 12, 2010 | Reply

  8. I like Fuck You Day. It’s needed.

    Comment by Michael Horn | June 12, 2010 | Reply

    • Fuck you day will become known as the new sliced bread. “this is the best thing sinse fuck you day!”

      Thanks Michael!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 13, 2010 | Reply

  9. I don’t mean to sound politically incorrect, or maybe I do. Anyway, White Guilty Day would be my favorite and I would send cards to all family members, especially to my sister in Arizona. I imagine a card could read something like this:
    “When the sun shines on the cotton, I recall my great-great-great grandfather may have treated you rotten. So, I will climb to the top and yell from the steeple, I sincerely apologize to all you people.”

    Comment by James R Owens | June 12, 2010 | Reply

    • Sorry James, for some reason you were stuck in my spam filter.

      I love your creative rhyming abilities. I’ll have to check with my other business partners but you may be looking at an offer!

      Thanks James!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 14, 2010 | Reply

  10. I’m totally on board with “Merry Mulligan Day!” I don’t have anyone that I’d like to kill, just maim, so that wouldn’t result in many purchases, and as I am already an oppressed female, breaking barriers in what historically has been a male-dominated field, making way for my younger sisters to follow, I’m not gonna spend my gelt on guilt (ha ha); however, on Merry Mulligan day I would totally screw all those hot guys that previously slipped through my fingers. (I haven’t entirely worked out the logistics, yet, but a girl can dream.)

    Another holiday I could get on board with would be “Field Grunt Appreciation Day.” All the driller’s helpers, rod men, test pitters, water samplers, field geologists, etc. – field people need their due because without us, there would be no report writing glamor work for the rest of the science wonks.

    Comment by Desert Rat | June 12, 2010 | Reply

    • But you can already screw all the hot guys you want to screw Rat; you are an attractive girl scientist/athlete who lives in the dessert. Now that I think about it, not only can you screw them but you can then kill them if you don’t feel like the awkward breakfast questions the next morning. Not only could you do all that… you could do some superpower type shit like disappear or make them disappear….cause scientists can do shit like that…right?

      As far as my understanding goes, being a hot female scientist you already live in Merry Mulligan World. And THAT would be awesome!

      Thanks Desert Rat!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 13, 2010 | Reply

  11. Don’t forget to print up t-shirts with targets on the back — you can sell them for both ‘Kill’ and ‘Guilt’ days — love both of these….LOVED ‘Zombieland’ and you are so right — Murray rocked! By the way — just rented ‘Pirate Radio’ and it was brilliant — be sure to watch deleted scenes…..I always felt I missed out not being a teen in the ’60s..avid RR fan that I am…

    Comment by Amy Gray Light | June 12, 2010 | Reply

    • This is what I love; when my beloved commenters fill me with even more thought provoking and money making ideas. I’m seeing the target t-shirts like the old Public Enemy t-shirts in stark, killy black and white.

      I’ll have to check out Pirate Radio, I loved Zombieland so I’ll trust you.

      Thanks Amy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 13, 2010 | Reply

  12. I would buy up those dead demon fish by the gross!!

    In fact I think we could add a day when we send these fish to someone in Congress
    local or state or fed
    or all 3

    these fish would move like flavored condoms at a NJ sorority house

    Comment by dianne | June 12, 2010 | Reply

    • I know aren’t they awesome?

      I agree on your idea, but instead of a holiday it would be a mandatory day of service!

      So where exactly are these NJ sorority houses?

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 13, 2010 | Reply

  13. How about “Live Your Life Like a Reality Show Day.” You could have cards telling people you’ve voted them out of your life!

    Comment by Thomas Stazyk | June 12, 2010 | Reply

    • That’s GREAT! lol.

      Comment by Miranda | June 12, 2010 | Reply

    • I do try to live my life like a reality show mosts days, because that’s just the kind of person I try to be…but you’re right most people could use LYLLARSD Day!

      Thanks Thomas!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 13, 2010 | Reply

  14. If I buy a dozen dead demon fish, do I get a free horse head? Brilliant post, Scott. Bill Murray worthy!

    Comment by Dan McGinley | June 12, 2010 | Reply

    • That’s actually one hell of a sales tactic. Consider it done!

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 13, 2010 | Reply

  15. I waste far too much time reading your posts. It has turned into a drug, a fixation, my very own ‘dirty little secret'(I always wanted one of them).
    Seriously, I would buy some of these cards but can we make the surrounding tradition mirror the old-fashioned Valentine’s Day cards … no names (that way, you will sell lots more of them ’cause we all chicken out when we have to attach our name to our true feelings).

    Comment by karenleethompson | June 13, 2010 | Reply

    • Sorry about that Karen, you were also stuck in my spam queue.
      I’m missing some of best comments due to that thing’s incompetence lately.

      I love you anonymous idea; you figure that it would be a lot safer that way as well. You know… just in case you sent a dead, demon fish to a crazy, stabby guy.

      Thanks Karen!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 14, 2010 | Reply

  16. Anything having to do with Bill Murray, I’m behind 100%! Can’t wait to start living a responsibility-free life, like so many celebrities and unprosecutable teens are living day after day.

    I will, however, be sitting out “White Guilt Day,” as I just don’t have that much of it left to celebrate. Once you remove all the rent-seeking behavior, the millions of white suburban teens who are convinced that they’re only a misdemeanor away from being black and SWPL itself, there’s only just people left.

    On a related note, I will be driving high-speed donuts in the parking lot, all the while pouring out high volumes of cigarette smoke and bad mojo, on this upcoming Earth Day. Feel free to join me. I’ll stop occasionally to grill some sort of huge steak cut from some sort of exotic animal.

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | June 13, 2010 | Reply

    • Oh not me, I’m definately down with White Guilt Day. I am always thinking uh oh, hope he didnt think I was like that because he/she is (add an ethnicity).

      Comment by Lisa | June 13, 2010 | Reply

      • Don’t worry Lisa; as long as you don’t cower in a corner of the elevator holding your purse behind your back in a white knuckle death grip you’ll be ok.

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 13, 2010 | Reply

    • Bill Murray is an institution. He’s like marriage only way more sacred and he can’t divorce himself. If that made any sense…

      The greatest, most powerful supervillain in the world is now the Teen Celebrity. They have both halves of the never having to face consequences whole. My biggest fear over the next few years is that Miley Cyrus will discover the pleasures that crack combined with the unadulterated joy that killing people can bring her. Soon she will want more and more (both crack and people for killing) and before we know it our species will face extinction.

      And I haven’t seen that kind of rebellion towards Earth Day since I was last at Rapture Ready….uh oh.

      Thanks for the stellar comment CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 13, 2010 | Reply

      • “My biggest fear over the next few years is that Miley Cyrus will discover the pleasures that crack combined with the unadulterated joy that killing people can bring her.”

        God, I hope she starts with her dad . . .then Taylor Swift . . . then Lady Gaga . . . then herself.

        Comment by jammer5 | June 16, 2010 | Reply

        • I’m with you all day on taking out daddy. I don’t mind the others enough to have them at 2 and 3 on the hit list though. My number one would be Tony Fucking Howard.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 16, 2010 | Reply

  17. July 5 is my birthday, so I would just like to suggest that along with – “I despise your very existence with every fiber of my being etc” – that we scrawl a little “PS, Happy Birthday RTS” on there….

    Comment by RubyTwoShoes | June 13, 2010 | Reply

    • if RTS gets that, then i want September Susi SPice Awesomeness month hehe 😀

      Comment by Susi Spice | June 13, 2010 | Reply

    • Being that you are in charge of my down under creative wing (picture yourself an Aussie Don Draper) you can scrawl what ever you want. I’ll have to trust your instincts.

      Thanks Ruby!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 14, 2010 | Reply

  18. i have no inspiration to write 😦

    my life has been so sheltered compared to yours.. i mean stuff has happened but thats not the sort of stuff that i wanna write about or even tell ppl about LOL

    Tennesee Williams… let me channel your melodramatic sensibilities….. STELLLAAAAA

    Comment by Susi Spice | June 13, 2010 | Reply

    • Try being creative with your writing. It doesn’t have to be about things that have happened to you. Use you imagination and just do it.

      Thanks Susi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 14, 2010 | Reply

  19. Oooh, Mulligan Day! I am so there. And so is my bestie. She’s always asking if she can “take a Mulligan on this one.” Maybe Fuck You Day should be where we get to say “Fuck you!” to whoever we want with no consequences and then the next day everything goes back to normal. F-bombs everywhere!

    Comment by Megan @Momlarky | June 13, 2010 | Reply

    • Your BFF sounds a lot like a female version of me, what with the overuse of life mulligans and a constant barrage of F-bombs. Your BFF sounds like my kind of woman!

      Thanks Megan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 14, 2010 | Reply

  20. How’s about “I did it Day” where you send a card to your parents, hubby, wife, partner or friends fessing up to something bad you did. I’d have to buy a shit load of them 😦

    Comment by frigginloon | June 14, 2010 | Reply

    • Ahh a day for confession and absolution…. I usually do that on New Year’s Day and claim that “You can’t be mad, it happened a year ago.” Good idea!

      Thanks Loon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 14, 2010 | Reply

      • Sheesh, haven’t any of you people heard of, “It’s WHAT they know that can get you paying major alimony?” Silence is golden, and a whole lot cheaper.

        Comment by jammer5 | June 16, 2010 | Reply

        • Not when you’re paying 50 a pop for golden showers Jammer…

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 16, 2010 | Reply

          • In that case it might be wise to keep one’s mouth shut 🙂

            Comment by jammer5 | June 16, 2010 | Reply

    • lol

      shouldnt that be “oops i did it again” day for you loon? hehe

      Comment by susispice | June 14, 2010 | Reply

      • See what I mean Susi Spice, Scott could make a killing just from ME!!!!! I’d end up with RSI

        Comment by frigginloon | June 15, 2010 | Reply

  21. Okay, so I just tried out the “I’d Kill You If I could Get Away With It Day,” and I have to say that it was very successful. (I know it’s technically not until July 5, but I couldn’t wait.) It was pretty much like most of my days, really. But because I wanted to make it more authentic, this time I brought along my stabby knife.

    I will try out the others and get back to you. But I might have to tweak the White Guilt Day to include the asians, who own the three hundred nail salons all within a two-mile radius…

    Comment by bschooled | June 14, 2010 | Reply

    • Ahh. It sounds as if you may have inadvertently transformed I’d Kill You If I thought I Could Get Away With It Day where you just express your intense desire to murder someone into Merry Mulligan Day where you actually commit these ‘crimes.’ I should have probably warned you that this kind of thing could happen. Especially when you bring your stabby knife along in the car. Damn.

      Well don’t worry too much I’ll get my old Baker’s Union attorney on it. He’s working on a new emoticon rage defense and it’s worked in two murder trials so far 🙂

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 15, 2010 | Reply

  22. I dunno…I kinda prefer Fuck You Day, and I do try to celebrate on most days. Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | June 15, 2010 | Reply

    • I thought you might. But remember if you celebrate too often it loses it’s magic.

      Thanks Matt!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 15, 2010 | Reply

  23. Sorry I’m late to the discussion, Scott. Hilarious post (in a non-PC hilarious way)!! I don’t have an iota of white guilt, but like a Woody Allen movie, I will cop to chronic ‘Jewish guilt’ in addition to fear, insecurity, anxiety and neurosis. Since it is a mitzvah to get drunk on Purim, I think I would choose to get shit-faced on that day and carry it over the day after. I would embrace, then purge my guiltiness and be done with it. “I’d Kill You if I Could Get Away With It Day’ would be a free-for-all for any graduate of the Peter Principle (you know who you are) and I would most certainly need a CTS Decon team to follow me around as it will get bloody. On Merry Mulligan Day, I would chose to zoom 1,000 years in the future. The fact that our era is the ‘Dark Ages’ for future generations is not lost on me. I would love nothing more than to get from point A to point B in seconds, shop at stores that feature ‘experiences’ rather than retail (retail will have been phased out with the home desktop personal fabricator) and see first-hand how machine intelligence will have augmented intellectual shortcomings of the moronic. Thanks for allowing me to wonder off into fantasy land, Scott! Always a pleasure!

    Comment by elizabeth3hersh | June 15, 2010 | Reply

    • I appreciate the stellar comment Elizabeth!

      I am lucky enough to be 100% white guilt free as well. I grew up and was ‘raised’ in what was pretty much a ghetto myself. As a matter of fact if the boyz in Boyz in Da Hood would have stumbled into my hood they probably would have died from fear. Well fear and bullets. And I figure that if I made it out (mostly) intact then anyone can.

      I love your thoughts about the future. I honestly do believe that in the next few years there will either be a dramatic shift in consciousness, or we will all fucking die in a series of fiery explosions. Because the way we are going is not sustainable and despite what baby Bush told us; shopping might not solve it.

      Oh and you are completely right about this being the dark ages ‘new and barely improved’ as well. Even the gay rights stuff. People 200 years from now (hopefully) are going to look back at us and feel the same way that we do about slavery. “What the fucking fuck was wrong with those people?”

      Thanks Elizabeth!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 15, 2010 | Reply

  24. Merry Mulligan day.

    And God Bless Bill Murray who was the spitting imagine of modern day Edward Van Halen in Zombieland !

    Comment by HEFF | June 15, 2010 | Reply

    • God has blessed Bill Murray Heff. You nailed the look-alike pickem contest! I think I spotted David Lee Roth near the end of that movie as well.

      Thanks Heff!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 16, 2010 | Reply

  25. […] have used a ‘White Guilt Day’ greeting card right then preferably a waterproof one: https://zodiblog.wordpress.com/2010/06/12/dead-demon-fish-and-bill-murray/).  I’d hate for someone to think I was hesitant talking to him because of race, when in all […]

    Pingback by A Summer at Club Ghetto/Trailer-Fabulous…The First Swim « Ocdbloggergirl's Blog | June 19, 2010 | Reply


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