Zodi’s Blog

Anti-social behavior.

It should come as no surprise to any of you that I have more than my share of awkward moments. Although I’m exceedingly good looking, charming and humble I often find myself in situations where my social ineptitude leads to catastrophic humiliation. But due to gag orders and several other orders of the restraining variety this post is not about those alleged incidents in question. Those are up to the courts to decide.      

This post is about the moments of pure, unadulterated awkwardness that I’m forced to endure almost daily due to what some call my quirky personality and others call debilitating psychological dysfunction. This will probably be another ongoing series because I ‘do’ strange, awkward behavior like other people ‘do’ the Dew or ‘do’ the dead prostitute.        

The Eurokiss– This is the European custom that I most despise. Only because I suck at it. It ranks right behind ball strangler jeans, braided armpit hair, and backpackers wearing ball strangler jeans with braided armpit hair asking for directions to the nearest hostel.      

.   

“I left my backpack at the hostel. Could you give me direction and some marijuana?”

I just can’t seem to get it right. Part of my family was Italian so when I first moved here I practiced the eurokiss the way I learned it. Upon meeting someone I’d roughly grasp their head with both of my hands, violently pull it towards myself, and with very moist, puckered lips proceed to lay the literal smack down upon both cheeks and sometimes their forehead as well, especially if they were younger, shorter or weaker than me. I’d usually end it with a playful face slap or ear pull, just like nana used to do.       

Judging from their wide eyed stares, pointing and the general shunning I’d have to endure the rest of the evening, I was doing it all wrong.       

I still try to mix up my Eurokiss but I always seem to guess wrong. I’ll brush when they peck. I’ll peck when they kiss. I’ll kiss when they lick under the ear. I’ll go for the double when they do a single. Or in the worst possible scenario; I’ll lean in for the eurokiss when they were going for the simple hug…and there is that moment that is frozen in time where I’ve already leaned in, lips moistened and puckered, when I’m still face to face with this person but closing the distance rapidly, and I realize that they were only going to hug at the exact same time that they realize that I am going to kiss and there is this moment of pure, palpable terror between both of us but it’s way too late to turn back, way too fucking late for that, but it does slow me down just long enough to make my intestines fold in upon themselves and melt in a vortex of awkwardness so I’m partially hunched over in pain while having to carry through to the bitter, kissy end.       

It’s my opinion that the eurokiss should be banished and the bro-hug made the new world custom. I’m really awesome at the bro-hug.       

Exploding Bladder Syndrome– I have the bladder control of a 90 year old grandmother who is pregnant with twins and has a bladder infection. I’m that asshole who has to interrupt his middle aged friends’ bicycle excursion up Everest because he has to go pee. (I honestly think those commercials are full of shit though because I’ve seen groups of men that age playing checkers and sometimes maybe even golf, and I’ve definitely seen men that age go back for seconds on some very questionable looking prime rib at the local strip club, but I’ve never seen them riding bicycles up the north face of Everest.) 

.    

Whoever comprehends why this image belongs here wins 10 points. And is smarter than me.

My pee problem is horrifically exacerbated by my caffeine addiction because not only are 17 cups of coffee a strain on my already strained bladder but 17 cups of coffee also make me even more paranoid that my bladder will actually explode, killing me instantly and possible wounding innocent bystanders.       

So no matter the situation or time of day, as soon as I meet someone for the first time I always have to pee. This makes the already uncomfortable eurokiss even more squirmy and uncomfortable. 

.    

Honey Bunny- “I gotta go pee.”

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The Headitchfire– I get this weird thing when I get flustered or embarrassed where the top of my head itches like crazy. I believe they call it prickly heat, but it feels more like someone lit my scalp on fire then put the fire out with razor blades and salt. 

.        

Kind of like that, only I look stupid.

What usually happens when meeting someone for the first time is that after flubbing the eurokiss I’ll be stuck standing there trying to weigh my fear of exploding bladder syndrome versus the appropriate waiting time to rush off and find a bathroom while furiously and violently scratching my head like a confused Elmer Fudd on crack while brown tufts of bloody hair fall unceremoniously to the ground.        

I’m just glad I’m not shy as well because that would really suck.

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June 16, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , ,

78 Comments »

  1. The whole kiss thing is sucky to begin with…awkwardness is not my strong suit and I’m not on 17 cups of espresso a day either…so what’s my excuse?

    SO you’re half Italian? meee too. The other half??

    Comment by Candy | June 16, 2010 | Reply

    • Ha! I should have guessed, what with your ridiculously good looking looks and all. My other half ….Irish. Yep, sucks to be me.

      Thanks Candy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 16, 2010 | Reply

  2. Wait? Was I just FIRST???

    I think that’s a Candy first!!!!

    Comment by Candy | June 16, 2010 | Reply

  3. I will wait to comment. I will sneak in later, as to avoid the awkward kissing thing. I can barely handle the whole awkward hug moment.

    Comment by starlaschat | June 16, 2010 | Reply

    • I know, the hug is bad enough. especially when you don’t want to hug but you’re forced into it and the person is ugly and stinky and mean!

      Thanks Starlaschat!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 16, 2010 | Reply

  4. Just another thing we have in common. Midget bladders.

    Sweet!

    Comment by Candice | June 16, 2010 | Reply

    • I cherish my midget exploding bladder if it keeps our ties…tied tighter.

      Thanks Candice!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 17, 2010 | Reply

  5. It has to be extremely awkward when you have to do a “Eurokiss” on another guy…..right?

    You might need to have your prostate checked out for that bladder problem….just a thought.

    Gee, such intimate details we get to learn about you Scott!

    Comment by trishothinks | June 16, 2010 | Reply

    • I refuse to do the Eurokiss with another guy. That would be just way too awkward, even for me. Thankfully they don’t even do that here, it’s only girl on guy or girl on girl…and that’s just nice!

      I hope you treasure my intimacy.

      Thanks Trisho!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 17, 2010 | Reply

  6. The reason that picture is there is to show us how someone looks when their bladder is about to explode.

    Comment by Thomas Stazyk | June 16, 2010 | Reply

    • Actually I think you’re right. I wasn’t sure at the time but that’s it! You win 10 points!

      Thanks Thomas!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 17, 2010 | Reply

  7. I’ve never had to do the awkward kissy thing, but the huggy thing has been done with some Italian spouses of in-laws, and I really suck at hugging. It’s not natural to hug other men, and I always feel like I’m kind of getting too close to women. Perhaps I shouldn’t grab their ass – but hey – that’s just me. Wicked funny post.

    Comment by Dan McGinley | June 16, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m great with the Italians. We have the kinship thing going on and all. It’s the other, weird European citizens that make everything all weird and complicated. You know, because they’re all weird and complicated.

      And careful with those Italian asses, some of them bite.

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 17, 2010 | Reply

  8. That’s the 40 Year Old Virgin and ex-Laker A.C. Green, apparently swapping heads for the first time in both their illustrious careers.

    Comment by Cooper Green | June 16, 2010 | Reply

    • Wow you nailed it, I think! I didn’t even know, I just grabbed it off of google, but I think you’re dead on.

      YOU WIN 100 POINTS AND THE TITLE OF CHAMPION!

      Thanks Cooper!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 17, 2010 | Reply

      • Not as tough as it seems. I’ve used Steve Carrell’s shirt for photoshops before, because it’s such a nice clean image. And your image is named acgreen1.jpg. That qualifies as a pretty good clue. But I’ll take the 100 points. Does that work like Air Miles?

        Comment by Cooper Green | June 17, 2010 | Reply

        • Ok, I’ll give you the AC Green but even that’s a stretch. 9 out of 10 people wouldn’t know the name. I’ve always been a Lakers fan so I knew his face but that was a great spot on the torso.

          This is the first time I’ve ever given out points so I’m going to have to come up with something. It just feels right to award random points somehow.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 17, 2010 | Reply

  9. My children are trying to figure what on earth could be so funny in those pictures that their mother is laughing tears. I start to adore you.

    Comment by Natalie | June 17, 2010 | Reply

    • As soon as you let your children know could you please let me know? Especially what the hell is going on with the sweaty black guy?

      I adore your adoration!

      Thanks Natalie!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 17, 2010 | Reply

  10. NO WAY could you look more stupid than W!! About the peeing? Try having a fourth of a kidney — I’m familiar with all the bathrooms in the city…I agree the Eurokiss is awkward…kissing in general (except for Excy, of course) is something I’d rather not…since I have no immune system i’d rather avoid germs…

    Comment by Amy Gray Light | June 17, 2010 | Reply

    • I’ve actually been told to have my liver and kidneys checked out. I used to drink…. A lot. I’ve tried drinking gallons of cranberry juice but that only made it worse.

      I’ve always had to familiarize myself with the available public restrooms in every city as well. Let me know it you’re ever in Madrid and …..

      Thanks Amy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 17, 2010 | Reply

  11. It’s a good thing you’re really, really ridiculously good-looking (oh, and charming.) What if you sucked at the Eurokiss AND you were fugly??? Horrors!

    But really, the Eurokiss? I am all kinds of cringing about that. I can barely look people in the eye and smile!

    Comment by Megan @Momlarky | June 17, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m thinking that if I were fugly it would be a blessing disguised in a fugly package. Because if I were fugly enough no one would lean in for the Eurokiss, they’d be happy with a nod/head tilt to acknowledge my presence.

      Thanks for all the loving love and compliments!

      Thanks Megan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 17, 2010 | Reply

  12. Seriously, every time I read one of these posts of yours I get creeped out.

    When I was living in Guadalajara, I failed so miserably at the “Mexican-Kiss”, that it got to the point where I was afraid to leave my apartment.I’d either bang foreheads or move my face too fast, and next thing you know I’ve got herpes.

    Exploding bladder has become such a part of my life that I can literally get up and go to the washroom in the middle of the night without waking up. In fact, I only know I went because the next morning, whoever happens to be lying next to me will roll over and say something along the lines of “Er, you don’t happen to have some kind of infection I should know about, do you?”

    …On second thought, maybe that was a bad example.

    Comment by bschooled | June 17, 2010 | Reply

    • “Every time I read one of these posts of yours I get creeped out.” That’s the same thing I always used to say to this girl I knew. Only I’d say, “Every time I open my closet to find you standing in here naked, covered in tattoo ink and playing with a dead rabbit, I get creeped out.” We always have the same reactions!

      I can’t believe I forgot to mention the head bang. The head bang is awful; I’m so bad at it I sometimes leave bruising. And I’ve noticed that especially in South America one wrong turn of the head and somebody’s either pregnant or has a lifelong STD. It must be the air down there…

      And in response to the last paragraph, I only hope that you told your sleeping partner about your South American eurokiss gone awry all those many moons ago….it’s only fair.

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 17, 2010 | Reply

      • “Every time I open my closet to find you standing in here naked, covered in tattoo ink and playing with a dead rabbit, I get creeped out.” That’s the same thing I always used to say right after I said that first thing! Only I’d say, “Every time you open your closet to find me standing in here naked, covered in tattoo ink and playing with a dead rabbit,you get creeped out. What’s the deal?”

        Yep, we’re totally the same.

        Comment by bschooled | June 20, 2010 | Reply

        • Oh shit. My deepest apologies then B. I couldn’t tell that was you, what with all the nakedness, tattoo ink, blood, and dead rabbit going on. Had I known I would have immediately offered you a Xanex and a shower.

          Because I …like… care about you that much. And truth be told, had I known it was you I probably wouldn’t have even been creeped out. I would have just taken it as one of your wacky ‘funnies.’

          Thanks B!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 20, 2010 | Reply

  13. Great post – I laughed at the way you describe the traumas. One thing I WILL say is that whoever you are kissing (Euro style) or dancing around while waiting to go / rushing off to the loo / bushes probably doesn’t even notice. I bet even the guys are just swept away by the Italian / Irish handsomeness – so the more you are around, the better! In fact, maybe they fumble around to get closer to you – I would!

    Comment by The Late Stork | June 17, 2010 | Reply

    • I don’t think they fail to notice my awkwardness due to my devastating good looks, I think it’s mainly due to their own self preoccupation. Like wondering if their mullet is in place…

      And I appreciate the compliments but I just joke. In reality I’m a total mess. I was once good looking in an off-brand kind of way. Now that I’m 37 I’m just off brand.

      Thanks Late Stork!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 17, 2010 | Reply

  14. I love awkward moments… No really, I do! Like when you meet someone for the first time, you try to kiss them gently on the cheek but then one of you accidently turn their heads to the side and you kiss them on the lips and then you avoid eye contact for the rest of your life… No feeling like it!!! 🙂

    Comment by Lua | June 17, 2010 | Reply

    • Why did that just turn me on a little bit? OH yea, because I’m a freak.

      I totally know what you mean though. And I actually have had someone I met for the first time lick under my ear. Crazy!

      Thanks Lua!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 17, 2010 | Reply

  15. The picture of the dude is there to show you exactly how to pucker for the eurokissass, which differs from the ubiquitous eurokiss in that it entails not actually touching the kissassee. The Americans taught it to the French during WWduece, for which the French then gave us fries w/cheese. Not a bad trade, huh?

    Comment by jammer5 | June 17, 2010 | Reply

    • And the fact most European countries have uni-sex bathrooms just weirds Americans out. “Pardon me, dear, but my bladder’s about to explode. Do you mind?”

      Comment by jammer5 | June 17, 2010 | Reply

      • Can you believe that I’ve actually used that line? But it wasn’t even a unisex bathroom it was just a regular ladies room.

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 17, 2010 | Reply

        • Do you still have the picture of you in that dress then? Cross dressing bladder bursters want to know.

          Comment by jammer5 | June 18, 2010 | Reply

    • Since I’m not at all sure why I put it there to begin with, I’ll give your 10 points. What you do with them is entirely up to you.

      And the ubiquitous Eurokiss always makes me feel supergay (not the gay gay, the stupid, 80’s high school slang kind of gay) so I just wont do it. If they go for the air kiss, I’ll purposely lay the wet, smack down.

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 17, 2010 | Reply

      • Cool. I’m buying french fries with cheese.

        Comment by jammer5 | June 17, 2010 | Reply

  16. Excellent post Scott, nowt to add…

    Comment by davehambo | June 17, 2010 | Reply

    • I don’t know what nowt means but I guess I can guess.

      Thanks Dave!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 17, 2010 | Reply

  17. You are right Scott, I am surprised that someone who is really, really good looking experiences awkward moments, or rather, awkward Eurokiss and pissing moments, I mean, had you said you repeatedly found yourself in *awkward* situations involving ugly people falling to their knees before you and publicly apologizing for offending your view, then it is likely I wouldn’t have been surprised at all, but a good looking guy like you messing up the Eurokiss?! Unheard of.

    Btw, I LOVE – “..moments of pure, unadulterated awkwardness that I’m forced to endure almost daily due to what some call my quirky personality and others call debilitating psychological dysfunction” – and wish I could steal it and make it my own….

    Comment by RubyTwoShoes | June 17, 2010 | Reply

    • It shouldn’t surprise you Ruby. Like I’ve said above; when I was young I had a decent lookingness about me, now I have nothing….other than a biting wit and a lot of awkwardness. Sure I’ll make you laugh all day, but you’ll be laughing at me, believe me. And believe me I could fuck up breathing, if I don’t practice enough!

      You can feel free to use that line whenever you want however you want. Just be sure to buy it dinner before, and make it breakfast the next morning, or it tends to get bitchy.

      Thanks Ruby!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 17, 2010 | Reply

  18. It should come as no surprise to any of you that I have more than my share of awkward moments

    Ha. I laughed at the opening line. You? Awkward moments? No way!!

    Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | June 17, 2010 | Reply

    • I know. Right? I’m like George Costanza if Larry David was even lot more awkward.

      Thanks Matt!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 17, 2010 | Reply

  19. Jesus, Scott, who do you know that you are doing all this kissing? I freak if I have to shake someone’s hand (followed by a quick scurry to the ladies room post-shake for a cleansing ritual). If someone swooped in for ‘the kill’, I mean, eurokiss, I think I would head for the shower as quickly as possible. True story! Your post reminds me of an episode on Rescue Me (Season 5) where one brother accidently ‘package bumped’ the other brother during a goodbye embrace. I think as long as you avoid the package bump (male and female), you will be okay.

    Thank you for sharing your bladder issues. I thought Clifton L. Tanager and I were the only ones with hyperactive bladder. Seriously Scott, I piss 20+ times a day, and sometimes, a routine piss will be preceded by what I call a pre-piss and followed by a post-piss, all within the span of three minutes. If I’ve been in public a long time and my bladder is really ready to pop, when I finally get to relieve myself, it is almost orgasmic. My whole life revolves around the bathroom. Now I know I am not alone (it would be funny as hell if we shared the same house). Perhaps we can create a support group and share bathroom strategies and that sort of thing.

    Even though I am new to your blog, this was by far my favorite post. The words “quirky”, “psychological” and “dysfunctional” never fail to lure me in. Lastly, this was one of the best sentences I have ever read:

    “…make my intestines fold in upon themselves and melt in a vortex of awkwardness so I’m partially hunched over in pain while having to carry through to the bitter, kissy end.”

    I think I am going to print it out and tape it somewhere (maybe near the toilet so I can laugh at least 20+ times a day).

    Comment by elizabeth3hersh | June 17, 2010 | Reply

    • If this were a movie Elizabeth I’d say you took your ‘Pretty Friend #2’ role and stole the whole show. Then 6 months later you won the Oscar for Best Supporting Role even though you were originally ‘Pretty Fried #2.’ Pretty soon Cameron had you on speed dial and you were making 20 million a film plus the all important percentage of gross and I was still stuck on this B movie shit shooting car chases with washed up porn actors. Meanwhile you’re in Africa somewhere with Brangelina saving babies and I can’t even get invited to Liza’s wedding and everybody gets invited to Liza’s weddings. Damn.

      This show stealing, Oscar winning comment had many points of awkward hilarity which I completely neglected to mention in my original post. I’ve seen the package bump in person but thankfully never experienced the bro version. I have experienced the girl on me action known as ‘bumping and grinding’ in dance clubs, and I’m not the biggest fan. It produces a burning sensation due to a pubic version of rug burn.

      And lastly I would consider it a huge honor if you placed my sentence in such a place of honor and prominence in your throne room! It would be way cooler than that stupid Corinthians quote everyone else seems to have.

      Thanks for the one of a kind commentary Elizabeth!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 17, 2010 | Reply

  20. Funny post indeed sir…

    In regards to the picture of the black dude with the flat-top…He’s got an awkaward stance…It appears as though he’s taking very deep breaths…and he’s sweatng like a bastard…It’s simple—this dude’s gotta take a friggin piss!

    Comment by Ron-Yves Strouteau | June 17, 2010 | Reply

    • I definitely picked up on the gotta take a piss vibe as well. You win 10 points for sure. Cooper pointed out (up top. It just showed up because it was stuck in my moderation queue) that is A.C Green and the 40 Year Old Virgin making love. So he is the champion.

      Thanks Ron!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 17, 2010 | Reply

  21. I was thinking about this post and this video came to my mind How to give the Perfect Man Hug.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JUdWApwbudQ&feature=player_embedded

    Comment by starlaschat | June 17, 2010 | Reply

    • Oh man they suck at the bro hug. I’m the best ever at giving bro hugs. What you do is clasp right hand to right hand and lean in with only half your torso, while you slap your bro’s right shoulder with your left hand.

      Testosterone and masculinity…intact!

      Thanks Starlaschat!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 17, 2010 | Reply

  22. Well, I don’t think that worked they enabled the video so I can’t copy it. That’s Awkward, sorry about that. I may try something else. Now it’s just a challenge, also a distract from doing homework.:+)

    Comment by starlaschat | June 17, 2010 | Reply

    • Don’t be sorry, I just copy and pasted the URL. I think it works better when you copy and paste the URL into Word before you leave the comment. But I’m way better at the bro hug than I am at computers so I could be wrong.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 17, 2010 | Reply

      • Thanks for making me laugh! The pro bro man hug,great visual. Copy URL into Word, thanks I’ll give that I try, copying videos can be frustrating for me.

        Comment by starlaschat | June 18, 2010 | Reply

        • You’re welcome! Trying to put up a bunch of real photos is my downfall.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 19, 2010 | Reply

  23. Scott –

    Every time I think that it might be nice to spend a period of indeterminate length in Europe, you post something that reminds me that Europe is full of Europeans, all of whom use the same currency but insist on greeting each other in their own particular awkward ceremonies.

    Because I would be having issues with the local languages and national bedtime, I think this sort of extended display of public affection/warped Masonic handshake would have me headed towards the nearest embassy as soon as possible.

    I think I could handle the Brits, though. They tend to avoid any displays of affection, public or private.

    This doesn’t even touch the bathroom/bano/loo situation, and for fear of the unknown, neither will I.

    Some blisteringly funny stuff in there, Scott. Thanks for the heads up!

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | June 17, 2010 | Reply

    • That’s the weird thing about Europe CLT; you’d think that all or at least most of the Europeans would fall under the European umbrella. But they are so different it’s confusing as hell. And then even though they are all supposed to use the same money, the blokes in England use weights for money apparently. A pound for this and a pence for that…it’s mind boggling.

      Then other things are really confusing over here too. I was at my in-laws house in London last summer and promised them I’d help lay some cement. So I went to the local pub and inquired about finding some men to help, and they told me I needed rent boys who could apparently be found outside the public restrooms in SoHo. .

      Which brings us full circle once again. Europeans can be some weird people. The whole thing ended up costing me a pretty pound.

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 18, 2010 | Reply

  24. Sorry I have been absent during your recent posts, which seems to be getting quite popular…good for you.

    I think we all identify with you because awkward seems to follow us around. True story (not in a blogger sense, but in the real sense), my most recent post (which I think you saw) is of a guy painting a seascape. Well, it turns out there was a woman stting near there that was just setting up to paint. Her canvas was blank and she seemed to be taking in the scene, but I said as I walked by, “That’s not very good is it?” Honestly, it seemed funny at the time, but she just stared at me like a clown with heat vision. I quickly added that, “I was just joshing.” She said nothing. All righty then!!! You get my point. So, thanks for sharing. Hilarious as usual Zodi.

    Comment by Fundamental Jelly | June 17, 2010 | Reply

    • No need to apologize FJ, I understand you were involved in some home improvement. And as I explained above, I know how stressful that can be. You missed me hiting the proverbial lottery of WordPress when I was freshly pressed and it happened to be a post I did about being a lazy writer. Something like that on a blogger website spread like wildfire. But by the next post the fire was out and I was lucky enough to be blessed with another 7 or 8 quality commenters. That’s the rest of the story.

      I loved your Gordon’s photo but now I wish you would have gotten a shot of the dour woman’s face. I love people who can’t take a josh.

      I’m just glad you came back to me!

      Thanks FJ!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 18, 2010 | Reply

  25. Blahaahahahaaha I really hate the Euro kiss. I always get confused about the two vs three kiss. Nothing worse continuing when everyone else has stopped. I traveled for a short period of time with a backpacker who had the bladder issue. Friggin nightmare trying to find a loo 😦 I have the itchy head syndrome. Scratch like a squirrel when I get stressed or nervous.

    Comment by frigginloon | June 17, 2010 | Reply

    • Three? I’ve never encountered the three kiss yet thank God. I think I’d just end up head butting them hard and on purpose. The one saving grace about Europe (at least these rural parts) is that the men just go wherever they feel like it. So if the situation is desperate enough I’ll just go behind a building or alley. Nobody bats an eye.

      Thanks Loon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 18, 2010 | Reply

  26. I was fine with hug or single peck on the cheek for years and years
    and I lived in an Italian neighborhood!!
    then my son married a Greek girl
    Good Lord Jeebus these fucking people have 20 different ways to kiss/hug/greet
    I think it’s the we’re European but hell we could be Middle Eastern and well we invented everything but get no respect
    and now we’re only good at Gyro and bad wedding movies

    the black dude is not sweaty, he’s glowing in Jesus Juice as he thanks his lord for making his dick so big that he can pee while cycling up Everest
    he doesn’t even have to worry about those last few drops
    he just brushes his big ole cock off on a bush as he cycles ever upward

    Comment by dianne | June 18, 2010 | Reply

    • You’re not giving the Greeks nearly enough credit Dianne, they’re good at tons of stuff…

      Greco Roman Wrestling
      Tragedies
      Salad dressing
      Gods
      Mythology
      Yogurt
      Um…weddings…Ok that is about it.

      For the wonderful story of the huge black cock I am awarding you 27 points. One for each inch.

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 18, 2010 | Reply

  27. Gosh, Scott, kissing you sounds really complicated.

    And I love the term “ball strangler jeans”, LOL. WTF is wrong w/those people?

    Comment by Mrs. D | June 18, 2010 | Reply

    • It’s only complicated if you are trying to kiss me on the cheek. Otherwise …very easy.

      WTF is wrong with those people? Too much diesel fuel and sperm strangulation..?

      Thanks Mrs. D!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 18, 2010 | Reply

  28. man my bladder has a mind of its own. spent all week in a conference and no matter how much id restrict my fluid in take it just kept wanting to produce more and more and more as an excuse to get out of the boring situation hehe.

    I love the kiss hello, but then again ive grown up with it. I love hugging its so nice. but im an extremely affectionate person anyway.. lol hate cold fish

    Comment by Susi Spice | June 20, 2010 | Reply

    • It sucks when bathroom breaks are the highlight of a trip. But then again, if you have decent reading material then it’s kind of a wash.

      Like I said, I don’t mind the hugging at all it’s just the one billion different versions of the Eurokiss that get to me.

      The only fish I can stand cold is tuna. Other than that I prefer it blackened or grilled.

      Thanks Susi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 20, 2010 | Reply

      • no no noooo rare fish is delish!
        mm yellow tuna tartare for example, salmon, other white fish… mmm so good hehe or if its in ceviche even better..so drooling right now

        Comment by Susi Spice | June 20, 2010 | Reply

  29. Peter Mayle has an entire section on the kissing fiasco in “A Year in Provence.” Some things never change. Me? I’m a hugger, totally. With good friends a hug and a kiss on the cheek. With really good, hot lookin dude friends, I go for the lips – oh, yeah.

    I think the pictures says: “Do I have to pee? I just peed about six minutes ago, but it feels like I *might* have to go, again, but I’m not sure… hmmm… yep, it definitely feels like I might have to… maybe I’ll just sit here for a few more minutes, tho, and see how things shake out. Wait. It’s almost time for “Chuck.” Oh, then for sure I’d better go now, because “Chuck” is on in like five minutes… okay, I’m hittin’ the head.”

    Comment by Desert Rat | June 20, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m totally down with the hug and the kiss on the lips for good friends. The major problems emerge when you are constantly having to perform this ritual with new acquaintances and they all do a thousand different ways. And I’d definitely be down with the kiss on the lips with you!

      I should have known you’d watch Chuck. I love chuck. I just started watching it and the first season is killer. I’m wondering if that was the old Melrose Place set?

      Thanks Dessert Rat!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 21, 2010 | Reply

  30. I’m not surprised that such topics as kissing, bladders and social awkwardness have inspired so much commentary. I only have dull and practical suggestions to add, such as try re-addicting yourself to a non-caffeinated beverage (such as ginger or peppermint tea) – they will still fill the bladder but won’t dehydrate you and burn your brain like wonderful coffee does.

    Meanwhile – awkwardness! Living for a year in a small town I encounter my students at their part-time jobs. I was in the queue at the mini department store, and let someone go in front of me so as to avoid having to puchase my new underpants from one of my students working behind the counter, opting for a different salesperson. Smooooth, eh? Awkwardness deniiiied!

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | June 21, 2010 | Reply

    • That’s actually something that I’ve been meaning to do for a long time Mitzi, cutting down on the caffeine. It’s just so damn addicting.

      I didn’t even get into the grocery store awkwardness yet. Which can be the worst kind ever. These people know so many intimate details about you….its crazy. You did a nice job of avoiding the awkward!

      Thanks Mitzi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 21, 2010 | Reply

  31. RSA Afrikaans custom also has “the kiss” (I’m whispering that in case someone hears me) as a greeting – I have no issue with close friends and family, but as for the rest … well yup and no thanks!

    I usually blame the weak bladder and charge to the bathroom to avoid the kissies …

    Comment by Julie | June 21, 2010 | Reply

    • I agree totally that it’s the worst when you have to kiss total strangers, especially ugly ones….or are made to feel awkward.

      Next time I’ll just follow your lead.

      Thanks Julie!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 21, 2010 | Reply

  32. I have you beat on the 17 cups of coffee — that’s like my morning cocktail. Although down from my before 4 pots per day, I still consume massive amounts of coffee in a day which lead to the same problem as you —- explosive pee issues. I also suffer from what I like to call “nervous pee”. I have to pee several times before leaving my house even if I don’t have to pee, simply because I am nervous that once I leave the house — I will have to pee. On several occassions I had to disqualify myself from playing a good game of release because I would get so nervous about someone finding me, or NOT finding me, that I would pee myself. (I know you are laughing). I mean we are talking about a bunch of 12 year olds that were going to tap you and put you in a pretend “jail” that someone else could tap you and release you from — it’s not like a grown man was chasing me down with a fucking pic-ax. Yep……
    I have on several occassions mauled people over in my office to get to the bathroom in a hurry, and have twice had a conversation with a co-worker about how I should wear poise pads because then I could just pee myself and not have to worry about it (I try to avoid sitting next to her during staff meetings — I’m a little concerned about her knowledge of how much pee a poise pad can hold before it leaks….)
    I have mastered the art of crossing my legs when I sneeze or cough and have been lucky enough to make it to the bathroom without peeing myself or requiring the purchase of poise pads for everyday use ….. but, I’m only 33 — can you imagine 10 years from now? I’ll be one of those freaks that buys a portable toilet for my car out of the skymall catalog…
    I don’t kiss strangers — period.

    Comment by tlwshoemaker | June 28, 2010 | Reply

  33. […] More Awkwardity This is actually part two of an ongoing series about situations that I find awkward. If you were stuck in a cave and the cave didn’t have internet so you somehow missed the first part, here it is. […]

    Pingback by More Awkwardity « Zodi’s Blog | July 5, 2010 | Reply

  34. […] If you’ve somehow missed my other awkward posts then you can read them here, here, and here Now, lets get down with the […]

    Pingback by Social Awkwardity « Zodi’s Blog | August 11, 2010 | Reply


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