Zodi’s Blog

Gratitudes Lists

All of the pop psychology and new age books that I’ve read lately recommend that you think about and express what you are grateful for. If you do this, they confidently espouse, you will receive more things to be grateful for. And if there is one thing in this world that I love, it is things.     

So this is my first clumsy attempt to express my gratitude to the world in a selfish desire to gain fortune, fame, adoration, love, worship, cult figure status, a mansion in Tuscany, an Italian sports car… (Although I’d be happy with an Italian sport scar as well, if it came with a cool story.. like getting in a knife fight with Donatella Versace and winning!) a trophy wife (gold please) a human trophy from The Most Dangerous Game, a swimming pool filled with playful penguins, a platinum Crunk Cup, a hovercraft, a remote control helicopter that can drop grenades filled with malaria on my asshole neighbors, especially that bitch Donatella, a speedboat like they use to bring blow from Cuba to Miami, a diamond studded, golden straw with automatic suction, a new hat, one night with Paris Hilton.. not so I could have sex with her but so I could yell at her… and she has to listen, one night with Perez Hilton.. so I could beat the shit out of him, a pet monkey, a plastic screen to prevent me from getting hit with feces or semen that my pet monkey will most likely throw at me because he’ll pissed that he has to live in some rich asshole’s mansion in Tuscany instead of his natural habitat, a moat filled with piranhas, poison dart frogs and cheetahs to protect me from Donatella, the complete series box set of The Wire, a live-in pharmacist, a live in peanut butter and jelly maker, a….      

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My mortal enemy.

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Sorry. I got a little carried away. Those books said to be really specific about what you want. I’m just learning how to do all this. I should probably wait until I get all of those things before I ask for more things. BTW, if you guys help me to get any of those things then I’ll allow you to pet my monkey if you’re a girl or punch Perez Hilton if you’re a man. Or vice versa if you’re a freak and are into that sort of thing.        

Ok so getting back on track, this was supposed to be some of the things that I’m grateful for. Here goes…  

Space!- Not space like outer space but space like… air. Have you ever considered how awesome and valuable space is? I just did and I was impressed. If there were no space then all of your stuff would be stuck together and you wouldn’t even be able to see it because you’d be stuck to all the stuff in the entire world with no breathing room. You wouldn’t even be able to brush your teeth because you wouldn’t be able to move your hand away from your body and the toothbrush would probably be fused into your lower intestines because there was no space for it. And think about how hard it would be to go to the bathroom. Everything would just be stuck to you and not have anywhere to drop to. Life would be crampy and gross without space. I really need to figure out a way to start selling space now that I’ve figured out how valuable it is. It’s got to be worth… like millions at least.   

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Even Chuck needs space. So he can kick Andromeda’s ass!

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Shampoo!- I can’t even imagine how greasy and tangled my hair would be without shampoo. My scalp would most likely burn and itch (like it does when I humiliate myself) pretty much all the time. Also all the people that worked in the conditioner industry would be laid off because you aren’t supposed to condition until after you’ve washed and rinsed and repeated.        

 

Death!- I know it sounds mean but without death, life would suck. There would be way too many living things on the planet and no one would ever have any privacy. Without death, all of the people who ever lived would be jammed together (like they are in China) and crawling around in the primordial soup (because that’s still alive too) while dinosaurs bit the shit out of us, leaving us horrifically wounded but still alive. There wouldn’t be enough food for all of us… NO there wouldn’t be any food at all, because an animal or plant would have to die for us to have food and that would be impossible. So we’d all be starving to dea…. well not to death because there fucking isn’t any…. so we’d all be starving and injured and no one would have any privacy and we’d all be sticky from primordial soup and dinosaur shit. So thank God for death.        

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Plus there would be dinosaur shit. And dinosaurs.

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Sleeping!- Sleeping gives us a nice and relaxing break from doing stuff and thinking stuff and lets us practice being dead, so it’s not so scary when death comes.        

 

The Hope of Sex!- I’m grateful for actual sex too, it’s a big bowl of awesome and without it I wouldn’t even be here. But the hope of sex is underappreciated. Without the hope of sex almost nobody would ever wear clean clothes, shampoo their hair, shave, diet, exercise, cure polio, invent cars, go to the moon, be nice to anyone else or learn cool stuff. If there were no hope of sex everyone would just lay in bed all day plotting to kill other people but unable to do so because they would be too unmotivated to get out of the bed, shampoo their hair and invent a gun.        

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Without hope we have nothing.

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Walls!- Whoever invented the wall was a brilliant isolationist! Walls keep your cat in and your Donatella out. Walls help you to stay warm in the winter and cool in the summer. Inside your walls in an ideal place to put all of your things. If you had to eat in the same room that you had to poop in, that would be gross. But if you build a wall then it’s no longer gross because you have divided your one room (kitchen) into two rooms (kitchen and poop room). Holy shit, by using walls, I’ll bet I could figure out a way to sell space!

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June 27, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , ,

92 Comments »

  1. There would be no dinosaur shit b/c they wouldn’t be able to eat either.

    Comment by Bearman | June 27, 2010 | Reply

    • Very true, I hadn’t thought of that. So it would be a somewhat cleaner hell on earth.

      Thanks Bearman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 27, 2010 | Reply

      • Pointing out others flaws in logic is what I am here for..haha

        Comment by Bearman | June 28, 2010 | Reply

        • Then you may as well stick around.

          Seriously.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 29, 2010 | Reply

  2. Please God tell me that is not an actual picture of Donatella, and yes . . . I can send weapons.

    This was some amazing pursuits, especially upon death. I mean, nobody looks at the bright side of death (cue Monty Python whistling). Not only did you do that, but a) it made sense, and b) was funny as hell. And of course, if you had sex with Paris Hilton, this would cover a few of your desires, plus you would be having sex with death, or would that be Donatella? Yes . . . I can send a nuclear warhead. I need to steal all of your ideas, as I pull my hair out trying to ramp up that story to the Serge level. I need to attach a tube to your brilliant brain! Absolutely hysterical in the sense that someone could do a stand-up routine with some of those lines. You are one funny Spanish hideaway. I didn’t see if Spain won their game yet? As you know, the U.S. died in O.T., and not like good death. Great post, Scott!!! [To any U.S. government monitoring agent — I cannot really send nuclear anything, nor do I have access to nuclear anything. It was meant as a thing we call “joking”, which may still be in the dictionary.]

    Comment by Dan McGinley | June 27, 2010 | Reply

    • Yes unfortunately it is a real picture of the always lovely, but twice as deadly Donatella.

      I appreciate the offer of arms Dan. They are very much needed in this gunpowder and semiautomatic dry country. I’d also appreciate the advance of several attorneys and some cold, hard cash to make the lawyer, gun, money trifecta complete. And you are more than welcome to tap into my brain. I’ll just need you to sign a release stating that anything that may come out will be your responsibility though. You’ll have to walk it, feed it and clean up after it.

      The US played well, Ghana is too explosive and experienced for them. Spain won of course and will be at least going to the finals. I hope so at least; it makes for a kick ass atmosphere!

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 27, 2010 | Reply

      • Thanks, Scott! I’ll be tracking Spain and hoping they win, and look forward to your reports on the blowout parties!

        Comment by Dan McGinley | June 28, 2010 | Reply

        • They’re one of my last horses in this race. Look who is already gone… Italy, US, England, Portugal is playing Spain tomorrow…agh!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 28, 2010 | Reply

  3. That Donatella lady has a mouth like a kicked-in pumpkin…

    Comment by Ron-Yves Strouteau | June 27, 2010 | Reply

    • Don’t let her hear you say that.

      Thanks Ron!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 27, 2010 | Reply

  4. Dude, I don’t know what you’ve been smoking, drinking, or main-lining, but if you tell me where you got it, I’ll work on the space thing (you know, being a scientist and all – blah blah blah). ‘Specially since I’d like to pet your monkey…

    “…touch it! love it!… and now’s the time on Sprockets when we dance!”

    @ Dan: Yeah, bye-bye U.S. Not pretty, was it!? But, hey, at least we lost to Ghana. (WTF?!) When you’re not born and raised on footie, like the rest of the World, you’re pants are around your ankles out of the gate. I’m, frankly, amazed we made it as far as we did (no thanks to cheating bastard officials on the take).

    Comment by Desert Rat | June 27, 2010 | Reply

    • Agreed, Desert Rat. The team did excellant to make it that far, and played their hearts out. Great series, except for those G.D. officials.

      Comment by Dan McGinley | June 27, 2010 | Reply

      • You guys see why they always end up dead here and in Italy…

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 27, 2010 | Reply

    • Would you believe I don’t really take anything these days? Unless it’s offered anyway, and that is rare since I rarely go out anymore either. But I’d very much appreciate if you could get to work on helping me to package, market and sell space. We will make millions…. at least!

      I knew you were more of a monkey petter (sweet) than a Perez puncher, and thank God too. Could you imagine my embarrassment if I brought out the Perez to be punched and there you were waiting to pet the monkey? Really, could you?

      Thanks Dessert Rat!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 27, 2010 | Reply

  5. That’s a great list of things to be grateful for. I would do this, but I’m entirely too bitter and angry of a man to be grateful for anything. That’s probably a bad thing.

    The hope for sex is similar to being next in line. Being next in line is very exciting. George Carlin did a bit on it once.

    Comment by Jay | June 27, 2010 | Reply

    • I don’t believe you Jay. You’re not bitter, but you can get angry. Angry is ok. Angry lets off the steam that if left unchecked, ends with a rifle and a bell tower in Texas.

      I loved Carlin, although I don’t remember that one. I’ll have to Youtube it. I love the work he did with fuck and it’s 6 friends.

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 28, 2010 | Reply

  6. Geez, Scott, your gratitude list is much better than mine. Right now my short list has air conditioning and margaritas.

    Comment by Pamela Villars | June 27, 2010 | Reply

    • I like how you think Pamela. lol

      Comment by Miranda | June 27, 2010 | Reply

    • I don’t think that my gratitude list is any better than yours. This is only the first page of a list that will probably run on until this shtick runs out though. I’m not grateful for AC or margaritas because I have neither….

      Thanks Pamela!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 28, 2010 | Reply

  7. isn’t it cool how that death thing helps out with the space thing?

    Comment by dianne | June 27, 2010 | Reply

    • It is an amazing principle Dianne.

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 28, 2010 | Reply

  8. You did manage to get supplies of the “energy milk shake” then?

    Comment by davehambo | June 27, 2010 | Reply

    • No, did you send it? This is just me au naturel.

      Thanks Dave!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 28, 2010 | Reply

      • There is someut in the water supply out there, bottle and send please, to…

        Comment by davehambo | June 28, 2010 | Reply

        • Fraid not Dave, this water is clean. I just enjoy thinking sideways and writing comedy.

          The exploits of my youth didn’t hurt though.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 28, 2010 | Reply

  9. a remote control helicopter that can drop grenades filled with malaria on my asshole neighbors, especially that bitch Donatella
    LMFAO You really live next to Donatella Versace??? That’s pretty cool in a scary sort of way.
    Love the post, how you do that stuff I still don’t know.
    I think I’d settle for punching Paris and petting Perez, saying, “Good blogger, nice blogger. Good boy!”

    Comment by Lisa | June 27, 2010 | Reply

    • Thanks for your compliment Lisa. I don’t live next to her in any physical sense, not yet. I won’t until I’m first grateful for all of my millions of dollars and euros and gold and my mansion in Tuscany.

      How do I do what stuff…?

      I think that you have the right idea of how to handle Perez, I may hire you to douchebagsit.

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 28, 2010 | Reply

      • Well thank heavens! She looks mean and has lips like a piranha. She could prolly swallow Perez whole.

        Comment by Lisa | June 28, 2010 | Reply

        • PS, stuff=writing

          Comment by Lisa | June 28, 2010 | Reply

          • Ahh that. You do it very well yourself Lisa.

            Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 28, 2010 | Reply

        • She is mean Lisa… she is mean.

          He might like that!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 28, 2010 | Reply

  10. Columbia professor Brain Greene tackles the issue of ‘what is space’ in his book The Fabric of the Cosmos. He inquires if space-time is an Einsteinian abstraction or a physical entity. Is ’empty’ space empty (no!). Is space ‘space’ without stuff? I remember this particular chapter because he uses a diagram of a bar magnet with iron filings to trace Earth’s magnetic field. The diagram looks like the outline of female genetalia. Naturally, images of magnetic genetalia stick with you. From space we jump to death. I will quote Willie Nelson who was profiled in Parade Magazine today: “Death is not the ending of anything. I believe all of us are only energy that becomes matter. When the matter goes away, the energy still exists. You can’t destroy it. It never dies. It manifests itself somewhere else.” So basically, Scott, he is saying that you can never really get rid of Donatella Versace. She will always be amongst us even after death, swirling around in Willie Nelson’s cannabis-laced luminiferous aether or more likely in the cosmos at large. Fortunately, there is a whole lot of real estate out there.

    Comment by elizabeth3hersh | June 27, 2010 | Reply

    • ‘Fabric’ sounds fascinating Elizabeth, I’ll order it in my next shipment from Amazon Germany. They are precise and prompt, those Amazonian Germans. I’ve always read new agey, all the way into quantum physics (without getting into the real math) books. I find it hilarious that everyone dismisses most of the new age ‘mysticism’ which is mostly eastern thought that is thousands of years old and is now being backed up more and more by actual science, but they’ll happily interpret the Old Testament as fact.

      Surprisingly I believe almost exactly what Willie does. I think that we are at our core; consciousness observing itself. And I completely agree with you both that magnetic genetalia tends to stick with you and that Donatella will be with me (us) for a long, long time to come.

      I’m in love with your mind!

      Thanks for the outstanding, insightful comment Elizabeth!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 28, 2010 | Reply

      • Scott, I also came to the same conclusion as Willie (sans pot). Nice to know you feel the same. 🙂 Your “consciousness observing itself” comment reminded me of a quote by Niels Bohr: “A physicist is just an atom’s way of looking at itself.”

        Comment by elizabeth3hersh | June 28, 2010 | Reply

        • I try to read everything from Chopra, Toole and Jude Currivan to Hawking and Richard Dawkins and that does seem to be the general consensus. Beautiful minds must think alike!

          And leave it to you to out-quote me by throwing out some Niels Bohr.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 28, 2010 | Reply

  11. That first picture gets scarier the more you look at it.

    Comment by Thomas Stazyk | June 27, 2010 | Reply

  12. Out of your list, sex, shampoo, and walls top my list. Gotta have ’em!

    Comment by Mrs. D | June 27, 2010 | Reply

    • My order; sex, walls and shampoo. Without walls someone will steal your sex and your shampoo.

      Thanks Mrs. D!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 28, 2010 | Reply

  13. Hey Scott,

    Having a little regression here huh? I thought you believed happiness could not be achieved through “stuff”. Oh well…I know how difficult it is to be happy with what we have or don’t have.

    I’m thinking Donatella is a guy….as a woman with that much money would definitely have many surgeries to actually look like a woman (at the very least).

    I like your “sleep theory”….that it allows us to practice being dead, so death isn’t so scary….lol….brilliant!

    Comment by Trisho | June 28, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m very happy without all of that stuff Trish, but if I had all of that stuff I would be more amused and entertained. Especially if I had Donatella around to feud with. Spice of life and all that!

      My theory was that Donatella was more of an alien being, here on earth to entertain me while I’m living in Tuscany. And probably teach my penguins how to catch fish by slamming her face into the water, ala Eddie Murphy.

      Thanks Trisho!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 28, 2010 | Reply

  14. Gotta have sex and death. Two biggies for sure.

    Comment by Michael Horn | June 28, 2010 | Reply

    • Sounds like a Doors song.

      Thanks Michael!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 28, 2010 | Reply

  15. I like the hope of sex one – keeping me going now.

    Comment by The Late Stork | June 28, 2010 | Reply

    • It keeps us all going whether we admit it or not.

      Thanks TLS!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 28, 2010 | Reply

  16. 1. that’s actually a very flattering photo of donatella
    2. I live for the hope of sex
    3. Shampoo rinse repeat…i never listen to it cause once i repeat then it says i gotta repeat..sooo when i do stop!? WHEN DO I STOP!@???
    4. I think we are all so grateful that YOU entered into our virtual lives…awww

    Comment by Susi Spice | June 28, 2010 | Reply

    • I thought so, but why does she keep sending me death threats?

      We ALL do.

      I only do it twice. Anymore than that and it starts to burn. I am of course talking about shampooing and not sex right now.

      Awww, thank you!

      Thanks Susi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 28, 2010 | Reply

      • she prob keeps sending death threats bc you failed to give her a number 2! haha.

        what kind of shampoo are u using that it starts to burn u!?? horse shampoo? lol – geez get some panteen!

        Comment by Susi Spice | June 28, 2010 | Reply

        • My Oz lingo may not be up to snuff but are you saying that I failed to give Donatella a bowel movement?

          Head and Shoulders. I like it.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 28, 2010 | Reply

  17. Thanks to you Scott, I have a newfound respect for the hope of sex!! 🙂
    And shampoo… And death…
    And you made me hate dinosaur shit.
    You are a strange man, you know that??!

    Comment by Lua | June 28, 2010 | Reply

    • Once you start thinking Lua, you start appreciating. Just because the laws of the physical universe govern how we live and perceive doesn’t mean we don’t have to say “thanks” now and again!

      Yes. yes I am.

      Thanks Lua!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 28, 2010 | Reply

  18. I just remembered–you forgot to give thanks for the New Zealand Black Cocks!

    Comment by Thomas Stazyk | June 28, 2010 | Reply

    • I make sure to thank a black cock every day. At least I try. We have Portugal next…aghh!

      Thanks Thomas!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 28, 2010 | Reply

  19. Riot Scott, its like free association meets ADD (is such a thing actually possible??). Donatella is clown scary, which is the highest form of scary on this planet.

    I had long hoped that Donatella and Michael Jackson would produce some offspring just in case those pesky Borg ever came back.

    Comment by Fundamental Jelly | June 28, 2010 | Reply

    • I believe it is not only possible FJ, but a really fun way to write a post or two. Besides all I have to do is… ‘something’ and I’ll have …’something’ meets ADD. Because I am an ADD’ed dude.

      You just gave me an idea for the greatest horror/Sci-Fi movie ever, thank you.

      Thanks FJ!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 28, 2010 | Reply

  20. OMG Scotty, step away for The Secret. Blahahah a friend of mine bought it and plastered his friggin walls and fridge with cut outs from mags of all the things he wanted. Dumbass! This is the same dude who read Celestial Prophecy and for months thought everything that happened wasn’t a coincidence but the universe trying to tell him something. Yes, telling him he is a gullible sucker! 🙂

    Comment by frigginloon | June 28, 2010 | Reply

    • The Secret is far too simple but the principle is closer to reality than you may think. The Celestine Prophesy was also an interesting read. Did you read my comment to Elizabeth?

      I believe that it is utterly insane for people to arrogantly dismiss things which are being rapidly backed up by science but to accept that God made light before he made the sun or stars. Or that a grown man lived inside a fish for 3 days. I think that believing those things is a surer sign of ignorance than trying to understand Schrödinger’s cat.

      But hey, that’s just my opinion.

      Thanks Loon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 28, 2010 | Reply

      • No, I didn’t read your comment to Elizabeth because there are so many friggin comments ! Sheez, hours in my life Scott, hours in my life 🙂

        Blahahaha there is a difference between reading these books to reach a great understanding of the world and the universe, than people like my dumbassed friend who read these books because they believe it’s a sure fire way to make a shit load of money, be successful etc (and then think they are better than everyone else). They miss the entire point.

        Anywho, sometimes ignorance is bliss 🙂

        Comment by frigginloon | June 29, 2010 | Reply

        • I understand that Loon and this isn’t necessarily directed at you, but….

          It really annoys me when people are denigrated and ostracized for not conforming to the herd mentality. Whether it’s in blogging, religion or life. Especially when you consider the absolute absurdity of the herd. People are not all meant to believe the same thing, or act, or speak, or dress the way everyone else expects them to. And as soon as someone is brave enough to show their individuality they get hammered with criticism. To me that is cowardly.

          In my opinion way too many people in this world are spending their time and energy criticizing and tearing down others while never creating anything themselves… while never putting themselves out there.

          Everyone is entitled to their opinion. I am just sick of all the negativity directed at anyone who is not like everyone else. That’s all.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 30, 2010 | Reply

  21. I have sprinkled smiles of joy and spread smooth peanut butter-like waves of amusement upon surounding particles, with a deeper appreciation for the space contained by walls between which I sit and read this most inspiringly cheerful post. I liked the sleeping is practise for death idea, and you can take it further and say how (insert boring thing) is practise for sleeping and so on …

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | June 28, 2010 | Reply

    • I adore the sprinkled smiles of joy but could you please throw in a few banana slices in with your peanut butter amusement? Because I love banana with my particle physics!

      I like you idea as well. If you take a normal boring thing and insert it somewhere…. bam! It’s no longer boring.

      Thanks Mitzi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 28, 2010 | Reply

  22. Waking up in the morning with “lips” staring at you would make one welcome death sooner rather than later. Or a visit to her from Chucky baby would do as well, assuming, of course, he’s into cleaning the universe of big-lip women.

    And I want one of them automatic suction straw thingies. Why? WTF cares . . . it’s way too cool, bro 🙂

    Comment by jammer5 | June 28, 2010 | Reply

    • I believe that staring at those lips for a few years would almost be enough to make you want to get shot by a disgruntled lover outside your Miami mansion even. Seriously.

      Chuck is into wiping the earth clean of anything and everything that ever has, is now, or ever will, get in his way. And that certainly includes big lipped women. Also bears. And helicopters. And terrorists. And …

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 28, 2010 | Reply

      • Chucky used to be my hero until he decided to join the ranks of the really stupid and challenged Obama to produce his birth cert. Now he’s just another dummy with a muscle and no brain.

        Comment by jammer5 | June 29, 2010 | Reply

        • He is a bad, bad man and can wipe the grin off of a grinning hyena, but he became the great butt of comedy as soon as his ego beat up a bear. And a helicopter. And terrorists.

          Thanks Jammer!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 30, 2010 | Reply

  23. I…..think I may be a BIT more materialistic than you, lol.

    Comment by Heff | June 28, 2010 | Reply

    • You might be. The only thing I love that is really expensive is to travel.

      Thanks Heff!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 28, 2010 | Reply

  24. I am grateful I don’t look anything like Donatella – fugly! Sadly, I used to look more like Charlize, but several pounds and years later, not so much. I like space, and practising for death is great way to describe sleep.

    Comment by Reb | June 28, 2010 | Reply

    • Don’t feel bad Reb, Charlize doesn’t much look like Charlize anymore. But if you resemble her then you are extremely beautiful! And a little weight/few pounds is healthy.

      Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 28, 2010 | Reply

  25. Personally, I’m more of a “stuff” person. Oh, and a planet person, I guess. Only because if there wasn’t a planet, I’d have nowhere to keep all my stuff.

    Fantastic list, Scott. (Especially the sleeping part of it!) If only everyone was as grateful for Donatella blocking devices, this world would be a better, less orange-y place.

    I just have one word of advice. If you ever do get that one night with Paris, for the love of God, wear protection. Like one of these- http://gadgetcrunch.net/wp-content/uploads/2007/02/usb-face-mask.jpg

    ps. You can have my platinum Crunk Cup, Scott. Ever since I gave up drinking diet soda, I barely use it anymore!

    Comment by bschooled | June 28, 2010 | Reply

    • I know you are B, but that’s because you have the best stuff around. If I had your stuff I’d be strutting it and/or showing it off too. But not everybody has your quality of stuff. If only it were cheaper….

      The funny thing is that I don’t mind the orangey color; it’s the fucked up face and the razor sharp eel teeth that insult my sense of high fashion.

      Wearing protection is always a good idea when you’re forced to get within 3 feet of Paris, but I think I need something a little stronger. Like this…. http://images.buycostumes.com/mgen/merchandiser/32184.jpg

      Thanks for the Crunk Cup! I’ll fill it with Red Bull and drink to you and all your stuff!

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 29, 2010 | Reply

      • I forgot to mention, I had to google/urban dictionary for Crunk Cup, ain’t it a great put down?

        Comment by davehambo | June 29, 2010 | Reply

        • I don’t know it as a put down. I only know it as a stylishly decorated vessel housing my daily dollop of Crystal. You can call me a Crunk Cup anytime!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 29, 2010 | Reply

          • Sorry Scott, I was just going on what urban dictionary said! Now, what is Crystal?

            Comment by davehambo | June 29, 2010 | Reply

            • No need to apologize Dave. Crystal is the elixir of the Gods Dave, the elixir of the Gods. It’s just champagne made famous by pop culture.

              Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 29, 2010 | Reply

  26. such a long list, i bet you’re not even halfway yet 🙂

    Comment by wandering lass | June 28, 2010 | Reply

    • I’ll give you 5 dollars to tell me what you mean.

      For real!

      Thanks Wandering Lass!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 29, 2010 | Reply

  27. I’m with you on all of this, Scott, although if you’d asked me before I read, I would have inferred that you were crazy. To your face. By saying, “You’re crazy.” And “Get that monkey away from me.”

    But I’m all for walls. A little privacy goes a long ways. Without them we’d have to work all the time at work and that would really suck. And that’s just at work.

    And death. I love his/her work (“her” is for the Gaiman fans). I especially like it when it happens to people I don’t like or don’t know. I’m not so much a fan of the reverse action, but it seems to be sort of a package deal and I don’t know/like many people anyway.

    Awesome list, Scott. How soon until the autobiography (with annotated lists and glossary) comes out?

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | June 29, 2010 | Reply

    • If you called me crazy you’d be in agreement with 4 out of 5 leading physcologists practicing today. But my monkey is very nice and simply craves affection. Please don’t take my mental health issues out on my lovely monkey. Besides, he told me that he adores you. And he’s going to help buy that gold turntable.

      It certainly helps me as well to stay on friendly terms with Death by not knowing and especially not liking many people. But like Willie Nelson, I do believe that we will experience a form of reincarnation. I only hope that next time we will all be a smarter, friendlier species.

      Now you’ve got me thinking more seriously about an autobiography…. annotated lists and glossy things sell like Snickers to stoners.

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 29, 2010 | Reply

  28. This makes me want to express my gratitude for your Gratitude List, without it i wouldn’t be so happy and entertained, which makes me want to express my gratitude for my mouth, without which I wouldn’t be able to express my happiness (facially, that is, I could still ‘dance it out’ of course) which then makes me want to express my gratitude for movement, which *cosmically* leads me to sharing your gratitude for space, without which I wouldn’t be able to move…
    Wow, I cant wait to see what all this gratitude expressing is going to bring me when I wake up in the morning! Who knows? I could be in for an extra mouth to express all my happy with! Exciting.

    Comment by RubyTwoShoes | June 29, 2010 | Reply

    • Well I’m grateful for your gratitude Ruby. Without your expressions of gratitude I would not be presently swimming in a golden sea of self adoration, ego-centered bliss and pure love right now… with some added humility to make myself even more awesomely amazing.

      Ruby if you wake up with an extra mouth please, please come and see me immediately. There will be many things which we will have to do and discuss. And they will all be fantastic and exciting!

      Thanks Ruby!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 29, 2010 | Reply

  29. You have given me a lot to think about and Yes be grateful for, space is and has been often overlooked. Simple things like walls and my favorite when the days been long and I’m reaching I add my bed my pillow a roof food is always a good one health oh those are boring I like your list much better.

    Comment by starlaschat | June 29, 2010 | Reply

    • You shouldn’t feel bad about your list Star. Pillows are awesome; without them your arm goes numb from your heavy head and your legs stick together. I’m grateful for all three of my pillows. And without food you’d always be hungry. So you have a great list!

      Thanks Star!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 30, 2010 | Reply

  30. I am not at all grateful for sleep because when I do sleep I almost always have dreams about Mizz Versace and Perez Hilton. Hate the sleep. Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | June 30, 2010 | Reply

    • That’s worse than having to deal with Freddy Kruger. If I saw those two I think I’d 9..10 never sleep again.

      Thanks Matt!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 30, 2010 | Reply

  31. Oooh man, Donatella is one fugly chick….

    The hope of sex…that’s brilliant! Somehow the roles in my relationship got reversed and that’s how I ended up living my life…

    Does that make me pathetic?

    Comment by Candy | June 30, 2010 | Reply

    • Fugly isn’t even enough for that chick Candy.

      I think that marriage tends to do that to a lot of people. You are the furthest person ever from pathetic. You are awesome!

      Thanks Candy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 30, 2010 | Reply

  32. Ya know, I always knew I liked Sleep and the Hope of Sex… but I never knew how much I like Walls. And Death. Thank you for giving me a new perspective, Scott!

    Comment by Megan @Momlarky | June 30, 2010 | Reply

    • Maybe I should consider writing a book entilted ‘Gratitude in the Strangest Places.’ It works for me!

      Thanks Megan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 30, 2010 | Reply

  33. Thanks a lot, now I’m going to have Donatella nightmares ((shiver)) — she’s some scary woman…my short list is much simpler — i think all these serious medical issues keep stripping my list down to basics…..deep sleep is high up on the list…right now, a glass of lemonade is calling! Cheers.

    Comment by Amy Gray Light | June 30, 2010 | Reply

    • Life is all about the basics Amy. When you can tune everything else out and just BE with your lemonade, you know that you’ve made it!

      Thanks Amy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | June 30, 2010 | Reply


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