Zodi’s Blog

Being American Abroad

As a forcibly exiled American stuck in Iberia I always become a little wistful and sad this week. While so many of my former countrymen are back home spending quality time with family and friends, enjoying cookouts, camping, setting off fireworks, getting drunk, fighting, picking up a new domestic violence charge or two, suffering various degrees of burns, blowing off large portions of their masturbatory hands and simply being all-American Idiots, I’m here in Spain trying in vain to stick a cheap sparkler in a plate of churros and trying not to weep.     

I’m craving a one pound beef burger cooked on an open flame and all I can get is a fried hamburguesa. I want to hear Neil Diamond belting out “Yea, They’re Coming to America” while I think of Eddie Murphy in Coming to America and that barbershop scene where the three old guys (all played by Eddie) are arguing about boxing and I laugh and laugh because Eddie used to be funny… but all I can hear is some really, really bad techno. I wanted to wear an American flag printed robe, shorts and top hat… so I did, but the Spanish kept thinking it was about soccer and that maybe I didn’t know the US was out, so they laughed and laughed and laughed until I had to take the whole outfit off.     

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Apollo looks just like me. Only Blacker.

 

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But then I realized something; I’m an American, damn it. I know I should have probably realized that while I was wearing the top hat and flaggy, satin shorts and being laughed at, and I guess I did, but I forgot what it meant to be an American. So I stopped wallowing in my self pity like some socialized medicine recipient dying of stage 4 leukemia, and I picked myself up by my Dolce and Gabbana sandal straps (what? I live in Europe. Stop being so fucking judgmental) and I decided to help inexperienced Americans who happen to be traveling abroad this Fourth of July to feel more patriotic. So I made a quick US patriot guide….     

Do NOT exchange your money– Sure, the travel brochures and guides ‘strongly suggest’ you exchange your dollars for the local currency but it’s nothing more than a scam. This is just a way for the banks and the dirty cab drivers to steal your hard earned money. If they don’t use dollars then they don’t deserve your business.    

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The bandana could have been red, white and blue. But otherwise, it's a win.

 

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Always dress appropriately– Make sure to always wear bright, floral pattered shirts. If you decide to wear shorts then please remember to wear knee length socks and black shoes. If you have the flaggy, satin boxer shorts, robe and top-hat outfit then show your pride and wear it like you overpaid for it. Make sure that your beach towel is either advertising Budweiser or Marlboro. If you are 300 pounds and have the complexion of Saran Wrap please forget to apply sunblock until you are already beet red and streaky. Oh, and use that zinc shit on your nose and lips.  For convenience wear a fanny pack (and remember to call it a fanny pack, especially if you’re in the UK) it’s a terrific place to keep all of your dollars.   

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They have the right idea!

 

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Remember to complain – Complain so much that you have to start complaining about how much ‘this place’ and ‘those people’ are causing you to complain. Complain to the desk clerk about the hotel. Complain to the waiter about the food and keep sending it back until they get it right. It can be especially productive to complain to ‘the help’ about ‘their’ climate and ‘their’ oppressive sun/heat and ‘their’ street people. You can even use “you people” and they’ll know what you mean. They may not take it all on board but at least you can get it off your chest.             

Don’t give charity – No matter how hungry they may look do not give your money to the local merchants. They make those little carvings themselves, which means they are cheap. Besides, who knows what kind of infestation may have gotten into that wood? You are much better off buying your souvenirs at the hotel gift shop. You’ll be paying a little more but at least you won’t be encouraging the shiftless locals.  

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You’d be better off with a plastic iguana from the gift shop.

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Announce your presence – Passivity is downright un-American. Wherever you go make sure you speak as loudly and forcibly as possible. If the waiter doesn’t notice you within 2 minutes and 45 seconds then don’t be afraid to shout. Gently but firmly push people aside who are in the way of that family photo. When you are entering the pool or the ocean, be sure to make it known to people far and wide that the water ‘is fucking freezing.’ Remember that it is always the time and the place to pass around the ol’ pigskin with the rugrats… no matter what museum you happen to be in. When you are stuck waiting in line for something it will help to take a few dollars (out of your fanny pack) and wave them around yelling in a shrill voice, “Hey, hey, hey, I have American money right here…Dollar bills y’all.” This will always ensure prompt service. If you’re too drunk (and you’d better be, you ARE on vacation) feel free to vomit wherever it’s convenient for you. They probably have people to clean up that sort of thing.     

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He Is America. And So Can You Be!

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If you follow these simple instructions closely you will have a better holiday weekend. I’ll bet people will even wish you a happy Fourth because they will, after all, know that you are an American.

Happy Canada Day Today and Happy Fourth of July on Sunday!!!

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July 1, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , ,

96 Comments »

  1. “Apollo looks just like me…only blacker”? lol….too funny, that outfit is almost worse than you wearing a cape as super dude!

    Do they have fireworks there? Just wondering….if not, I’ll set a few off just for you Scott.

    Have a great 4th of July in Iberia!

    Comment by trishothinks | July 1, 2010 | Reply

    • I forgot you even read that old one. I’ll have to update with some photos later…

      Actually no. They have really loud bangers that they use to scare off spirits before fiestas, and occasionally have a few of the bright sparkly kind, but none for sale.

      Please send me some PLEASE!!! I hope you have a great Fourth yourself!!

      Thanks Trish!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 1, 2010 | Reply

  2. Great tips Scott. An old gf of mine was so proud of the fact that she threw up from too much French wine on the streets of Paris.

    I will be going to my brother’s house for a 4th of July cookout. We shall feast on the one pound burger of which you speak. I may even have two…along with a brat, or six.

    And then, after I take my son to his house, I shall repair to the Bagwine digs and bang my girlfriend in the ass as she sings the Star-Spangled Banner. God!! I Love America!!

    Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | July 1, 2010 | Reply

    • That always happens here as well. And the thrower uppers are Always either American or English.

      Will you mail me some barbqued meat? You won’t be breaking too many customs laws. Oh and add some Percs. And Vics.

      You are making me miss American more and more myself Matty. Have fun with all of that. I mean it!

      Thanks Matt!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 1, 2010 | Reply

  3. Great advise Scott. We’ll regain the respect of those foreigners even if it kills us (and it probably will)! 😆

    Comment by IzaakMak | July 1, 2010 | Reply

    • Or even if it kills them. And it eventually will.

      Thanks Izaakmak!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 1, 2010 | Reply

  4. Why, thank you. Happy Canada Day to me and a Happy Fourth of July to you! 🙂

    Comment by gazingatnavels | July 1, 2010 | Reply

    • What exactly do you guys do for Canada Day anyway? I’m picturing a lot of bacon and Molson, but those two things always pop into my head all the time anyway.

      Thanks Gazingatnavels!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 1, 2010 | Reply

      • Lots of beer, for sure. Bacon? Hm. Make it a whole pig. Doused in maple syrup. With a hockey puck in its mouth.

        I actually don’t drink Molson. I do like Alexander Keith’s though. Can you get that in Spain?

        Comment by gazingatnavels | July 2, 2010 | Reply

        • Ohh, you just made an accidental funny. You can’t even get budweiser here much less anything else. They do do spectacular wine/whiskey though. I mean, they just call it wine but it’s got to be at least 40 proof. This is one of the many reasons I quit drinking since I moved here.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 2, 2010 | Reply

  5. Damn, and all this time I thought my step-dad was being an asshole when we traveled to Europe. He was just being a good American. Thanks for setting me straight!

    Comment by Amy | July 1, 2010 | Reply

    • I can confidently say that your step-dad was not an asshole. Well ok, I don’t actually know that. But shit, you got to go to Europe when you were young!

      Thanks Amy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 1, 2010 | Reply

  6. You nailed it Scott! Only if you’ve been overseas can you truly appreciate the American presence.

    Comment by Micky-T | July 1, 2010 | Reply

    • Only if you’ve been oversees can you appreciate it. But to see it you only have to go to your local Denny’s or Wal-Mart.

      Thanks Micky!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 1, 2010 | Reply

  7. Scott –

    I’ve always tried to be appreciative and respect others’ customs and habits when abroad. Unless their customs happen to interfere with mine. Or cost extra. Or have yogurt or currants or allspice or something in them. Or doesn’t look like it complies with USDA food safety regulations. Or isn’t available with English subtitles. Or requires that I remove my shoes. Or smells just a little off. Or is surrounded by men with guns.

    Other than that, I say, “Live and let live, etc.” in a loud, slow voice and a smile that shows the timid locals that I’m no threat.

    All that being said, wickedly funny writing, Scott. I see that this will fit into the upcoming bio nicely, perhaps as an “Appendix.”

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | July 1, 2010 | Reply

    • I think that by far the most important thing is the effort you put into trying CLT, if they can’t appreciate that then fuck em. That’s what some guy from Dallas just told me. I met him after he went out for some cervaza and tapas and ended up in a fight with a gypsy over currency exchange.133 stitches later and I guess he stopped arguing. I guess the Gypsy at the tapas bar fucked him right back. But thank God he wasn’t in Japan huh? What with all the de-shoeing and flying cutlery who knows where it all would have led?

      I think that I may have to hire you to be my agent/editor/ass-kicker for my ‘book.’ You can start with the ass kicking. Just don’t get the gypsies involved please, they’ve caused enough trouble.

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 1, 2010 | Reply

  8. Scott, sadly this is just how many Yanks abroad do behave! During our honeymoon in Edinburgh the hotel had overnight coach tours from Globus, abbreviated to THE Globs, almost all American paleskins with so much attitude it was hilarious. I recall reading somewhere that only about 5-10% of all Americans have ever had a passport and travelled outwith North America. If this is true, are the ones who do make it especially good or repugnant?

    Comment by davehambo | July 1, 2010 | Reply

    • Sadly Dave many, many more behave that way while they are at home as well. And while you may not be getting a sampling from the cream of the US crop, you are getting the ones who can at least afford a trip to Europe. Unless they one the grand prize on The Price is Right that is. Imagine some of the people that might frequent the local Wal-Mart in Kentucky.

      In actuality though, most Americans are very polite, courteous and educated. But the stereotype, when you run across it is so much fun.

      Paleskins?

      Thanks Dave!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 2, 2010 | Reply

      • Not an ethnic minority in sight…

        Comment by davehambo | July 2, 2010 | Reply

        • The skin tone I see more often is red. Beet red.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 2, 2010 | Reply

  9. Bless those Yanky tourists, they know not what they say or wear overseas. I will always remember the gaggle of American women, in matching outfits, gathered outside the Louve.One very loud midwestern exasperated lady said “They should build a dome over it and air-condition it”

    In Italy I witnessed a fanny pack wearing granny walk through a group of gypsies and come out the other side minus her fanny pack and watch.Good times.

    I hope you celebrate loud and proud Scotty, because lets face it, that’s the American way. Which is pretty much like the Aussie way, except our celebrations fall on the anniversary of when British “invaded” the country, which kinda makes it a bummer for the indigenous people. I would like to see the date changed so we can all celebrate.

    I have a few indigenous mates who are always being asked to perform their didgeridoos on Australia Day. Their standard reply is usually “piss off”. 🙂

    Comment by frigginloon | July 1, 2010 | Reply

    • Yes you must beware the Midwestern Matching Gaggle. They are known and feared for the voice of their complaints far and wide. I heard that they even managed to secure a refund on an Alaskan Cruise because it was ‘too darn cold an we didn’t see no whale.’

      Although I’ve never been particularly loud I have always been proud, some may even say cocky, but I prefer confident. No, my only celebrations will be the 45 minute drive down to the coast today and going to the tapas bar to watch Spain (hopefully) kick ass tomorrow night.

      I’ve always said that the Native Americans and the Aborigines should get together and unionize. And I’d tell people to piss off or worse myself.

      Thanks Loon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 2, 2010 | Reply

  10. “blowing off large portions of their masturbatory hands”

    That’s why the smart ones light the fireworks with their opposite hands.

    Comment by Bearman | July 1, 2010 | Reply

    • That’s smart indeed Bearman. ALthough they do have what’s known as chi chi available to such unfortunates. And inmates.

      Thanks Bearman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 2, 2010 | Reply

  11. Ohmygawd WHERE did you get that picture of my ex-boyfriend on the beach? He is looking so sexy that I am really regretting my decision to cheat on him and then dump him. Damn.

    Great tips, though. I read in the comments on some other blog that some American tourists will put Canadian flags on their stuff so that people will like them. Is that true? Who doesn’t like Americans when we are so awesome to be around?

    Comment by Megan @Momlarky | July 1, 2010 | Reply

    • How could you cheat on that guy? I suppose that if you had Brad Pitt you’d just dick him off, metaphorically speaking as well? Some people would know a good thing if it accidentally tried to eat their arm in the middle of the night.

      Unfortunately that is true. Especially during the Bush years. It’s getting a little better now, but slowly. It’s not a conscious decision (seriously) but I always do find myself wearing my Italia team jacket when I travel. It is lightweight and makes my eyes ‘pop’ though.

      Thanks Megan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 2, 2010 | Reply

  12. Doubly good! I’d been having the same sorts of thoughts about how much fun the 4th of July was in the old days (and I have the scars to prove it). But then you managed to put everything into perspective with your helpful guidelines. You do NOT want to be in downtown Auckland when the cruise ships dock.

    Comment by Thomas Stazyk | July 1, 2010 | Reply

    • I have a few battle scars myself Thomas. We used to play firework wars in my ghetto of a neighborhood. We’d literally shoot fireworks (mostly bottle rockets, but sometimes with other, bigger things attached) at each other from a half-block away. No one ever did lose anything vital though at least.

      Thanks Thomas!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 2, 2010 | Reply

  13. You mean I can’t do like I did in Vietnam . . .just shoot people? How friggin boring. I ain’t going.

    Comment by jammer5 | July 1, 2010 | Reply

    • You won’t even be alowed to bring your guns. Which thankfully, keep a lot of the Americans away.

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 2, 2010 | Reply

      • Actually, I’d like nothing better than to be able to tour Europe for a year, but this old used up bod would run out of gas before I got to the airport 😦

        Comment by jammer5 | July 2, 2010 | Reply

        • I hear you Jammer. They do make their coffee extra strong though, which helps. A lot.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 2, 2010 | Reply

  14. Thanks Scott and Happy 4th to you! We have all day pancake breakfast at out Legislature today and parades and art and all sorts of events. At 23.00 we will have fireworks in a couple of places around the city. In Canada, you have to have a permit to set of fireworks, no roadside stands here. It sucks that it is on a Thursday this year, but most people will take tomorrow off if they can and go camping.

    @ Megan…yes, wearing a Canadian flag will get you treated differently. When we were in Austria, sometime in the last century, we were in a shop and the shop keepers were ignoring us until they saw the flags on our jackets. They then made an effort to communicate and were all smiles. As for Americans impersonating us…I don’t know.

    Comment by Reb | July 1, 2010 | Reply

    • Yes you do have some fantastic traditions in the great white North, don’t you? I know that there would be no way in the world I’d make it into work on Friday. I’m surprised that they even bother to ask. And a pancake breakfast inside the legislature? My god if your country were just a little bit warmer I’d move there in a heartbeat.

      I know that I’ve always been nicer to Canadians. If only to set up a pharmaceutical for cash mail exchange program. –One of my for profit pet projects.

      Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 2, 2010 | Reply

  15. I bet Europe is just really, really jealous of America and all of our culture.

    Comment by Mrs. D | July 1, 2010 | Reply

    • BTW- I will light a sparkler in your honor Sunday, Scott. And I’ll be sure to avoid using my left hand so it’s still useful 😉

      Comment by Mrs. D | July 1, 2010 | Reply

    • Believe it or not D, they still do love America. So many would still immigrate for a year or 10 if they had the chance!

      Thanks Mrs. D!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 2, 2010 | Reply

      • That is so sweet D! I hope that I pop into your head while you are ‘lighting it.’ Eat a beef burger for me too…

        Thanks Mrs. D!!

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 2, 2010 | Reply

  16. I especially like the recommendation to complain loudly. There’s no reason to stop bitching and complaining about everything just because you’re in a different country. If you are the type to throw a huge fit in the lobby of the Best Western in Branson, MO, then you should do the same in the lobby of some hotel in Paris. Totally.

    Comment by Jay | July 2, 2010 | Reply

    • You are absolutely right about that Jay. My biggest complaint with Americans is ironically, their incessant complaining. Like I said, especially the “It’s soo hot here, I don’t know how you people live like this.” Things that make you say, WTF?? It’s like they want the concierge to change the weather.

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 2, 2010 | Reply

  17. You can’t stop at just announcing your presence. Remember, whenever a native insists that they don’t speak English, if you keep steadily increasing the volume of your demands, you will eventually hit the sweet spot where all language is universal, and he will understand you perfectly. He’s just lying if he keeps up with the game at that point, you can be sure of it.

    Comment by Natalie | July 2, 2010 | Reply

    • You nailed another aspect of it Natalie, and made me laugh for real out loud in the process. They really do believe that too. Like they think they are talking to an elderly retarded person or something.

      “..eventually hit the sweet spot..” that was brilliant!

      Thanks Natalie!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 2, 2010 | Reply

  18. It’s also important to wear your fanny pack in the front. But still call it a fanny pack because the phrases ‘dick pack’ and ‘cunt pack’ still haven’t made into mainstream tourist parlance. Happy fourth to you.

    Comment by Cooper Green | July 2, 2010 | Reply

    • Truth be told Cooper they have to. If not they won’t have it more than a few seconds. These gypsies over here are a talented bunch. And you succinctly said what I failed to say, well done. Although the brit lingo does still confuse me and I married one.

      Thanks Cooper.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 2, 2010 | Reply

  19. I’m so easily amused that an email subscription to the comments means I get to watch in real time as you post each individual response. It’s like, wow, somebody’s awake on the other side of the world! The internet is alive!

    It’s late. I’m sleep deprived.

    Comment by Natalie | July 2, 2010 | Reply

    • I guess that depending where you are it’s either 2:20am and you are up late or it’s 5:30am and you are a hard core insomniac. Being where you are though, you have access to Ambien and Nyquil…. indulge!

      The Internet is a crazy, funny little world isn’t it?

      Thanks Natalie!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 2, 2010 | Reply

  20. While many readers were distracted by your excellent advice, I’m not put off by the red herring! I’d rather get the goss on your allegedly forcible exile from the US. For the record, I think you make an excellent ex-pat.

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | July 2, 2010 | Reply

    • My exile? It was just a coup that went bad. Same ol same ol…

      Aww thanks Mitzi. I’m not a real ex-pat though. The EU doesn’t make you denounce your US citizenship like the US makes others. Thank God.

      Thanks Mitzi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 2, 2010 | Reply

  21. Man, you “nailed” the average American 4th of July Celebration description !

    Hey, I’ll get drunk and punch my wife for ya this weekend !

    Comment by Heff | July 2, 2010 | Reply

    • Thanks Heff. I try to stereotype with extreme prejudice and care.

      I hope it’s at least a donkey punch!

      Thanks Heff!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 2, 2010 | Reply

  22. Dolce Gabbana sandal straps, sounds like fancy pants shoes. I bet they went well your outfit. Celebrating 4th of July else where might make me homesick. Funny how our holidays are so ingrained with memories.

    Comment by starlaschat | July 2, 2010 | Reply

    • I just goggled the sandals maybe not good for your outfit unless you are cross dressing,at least the ones I looked at.

      Comment by starlaschat | July 2, 2010 | Reply

      • Oh shit, I thought they made my penis look weird!

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 2, 2010 | Reply

    • They are. They go great with my ‘puffy pirate shirt’ and my man purse. The best 4th I ever spent was on a beach in Mexico. Some hotel was belting out Neil Diamond “Coming to America’ while they put on a fireworks display. For realz!

      Thanks Star!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 2, 2010 | Reply

  23. Dude it’s like you have the answers the the universe or something. Kudos!

    Comment by Michael Horn | July 2, 2010 | Reply

    • I can honestly say that is the first time anyone has ever thought that. Thank you very much.

      Thanks Michael!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 2, 2010 | Reply

  24. I have to refer to my few weeks in Rio, and the time I was escorted into a Samba dance-off as towns trained for the approaching Carnival. This loud, drunk, divorced woman from Virginia Beach who tagged along got angry at some locals and threw her beer in their face, so we were about to get seriously trounced until I poured my beer all over myself and laughed, then grabbed my friend’s beer and threw it in the woman’s face, and it turned things around with everyone laughing, but it could have been very, very bad. I saw some dumbass Americans from the Bronx looking for a White Castle . . . it never ended. What can I say? It’s no worse or better than any other country. Wherever you go, there you are. I’m going to light some fireworks in a minute in your honor. Sometimes I wish the U.S. had more subtle colors . . . like dark green or a nice maroon color. Instead of an eagle, perhaps a fiesty crustacean? Thinking out of the box here . . . Happy fourth, mi amigo! Sometimes an ex Patriot is the most Patriotic of all. Hemingway in Paris! Scott in Spain! I have no idea what I’m writing anymore!

    Comment by Dan McGinley | July 3, 2010 | Reply

    • Patriot Missiles?

      Comment by davehambo | July 3, 2010 | Reply

      • Smart bombs.

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 3, 2010 | Reply

      • Dan and Scott; I have no idea why I tryped “Patriot Missiles”, the Pimms may have been guiding my neurone, sorry!

        Comment by davehambo | July 3, 2010 | Reply

        • This happens. Don’t worry though, it fit in well.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 4, 2010 | Reply

    • I’ve heard a few good things about Brazil during Carnival Dan. And a few bad things as well. Did you know that a human life is only worth about 5 US dollars (and remember, do NOT exchange your money) down there? So if you happen to have a disgruntled wife or business partner just head south and blame it on Rio. Or so I’ve heard. I envy you your samba dancing ability; I have never even tried it but always wanted to.

      That was some quick thinking on your feet to save your ass. Self inflicted embarrassment/self depreciating humor has a great track record with that sort of thing. That’s just one more reason it helps to travel with a Chris Farley-ish person. Well, that and because they are fun as fuck.

      I appreciate the compliments as well as the honorary fireworks Dan, you are a true American hero!

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 3, 2010 | Reply

      • I had a burger in your honor last night! Thanks again and Happy fourth!

        Comment by Dan McGinley | July 4, 2010 | Reply

        • Aww thanks buddy! Hope you are enjoying it!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 4, 2010 | Reply

  25. Somehow the 4th of July celebrations always seem to pass me by, I cant be sure, but I think it has something to do with being Australian, or possibly having a birthday the next day…

    And yet, despite not having any knowledge or first hand experience to speak of, I feel certain that you patriot guide is just the perfect thing for the holiday.

    In fact, I thought it perfect in every way, and thoroughly enjoyed witnessing an American take the piss out of ‘their people’ so successfully (had you asked me prior to this post, I would have thought some silent patriotic code strictly prohibited it, or maybe thats why you have been ‘exiled’ to Spain….?!)

    Comment by RubyTwoShoes | July 3, 2010 | Reply

    • You mean you don’t celebrate America’s Independence Day in Oz Ruby? I have a few friends who never fail to ask what Spain does for the Fourth, or for Memorial Day, or Thanksgiving… and on and on. This is why we need to bring prayer back into the schools Ruby, so we can praise Jebus and exorcise the stupidity.

      There are codes strictly prohibiting taking the piss out of America both unspoken and very loudly spoken by our Sean Hannity and Fox (and friends). I wonder if Murdock’s Aussie employees are as blindingly (stupid) patriotic as their American counterparts? Your help would clear up much confusion!

      The exile was due to ‘pissing’ and a failed coup. And the list is growing.

      Thanks Ruby!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 3, 2010 | Reply

    • When I was in Australia and New Zealand in May/June, I was embarrassed at how LOUD my companions spoke – I was actually starting to wonder if they were going deaf and were unaware that they were shattering ear drums within a twelve-block radius. I wanted to crawl under a table and hide.

      I noticed, also, that most folks Down Under are quite slim. The only grossly fat people I saw were tourists from America. In Aus, I look NORMAL!

      Comment by Desert Rat | July 4, 2010 | Reply

      • That’s the one nice thing about Spain and Italy though, the AMericans don’t sound quite as loud compared to the locals… which is nice for once.

        In Oz, you look as stunning as you do everywhere else.

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 4, 2010 | Reply

  26. Ha! I can just imagine how stylin’ those Dolce and Gabbana sandal straps must look with your 1988 OP’s.

    This could very well be the most accurate patriot guide I’ve ever read. It’s actually inspired me to write a Canadian version, where the sections would be titled more like this:

    Do NOT Exchange Your Money- But only because you didn’t know you were supposed to.

    Always Dress In Roots Clothing- And make sure you have at least three Canadian iron-on flags visible at all times.

    Remember To Apologize- Even if you didn’t do anything. Should you forget to apologize, stay up all night long thinking about what an awful person you are, then spend the rest of your holiday searching for that guy you forgot to apologize to.

    Pay the local merchants their original asking price ($50US for a doll-stick thingy? What a steal!), then buy another doll stick thingy at the hotel gift shop, just so it’s fair.

    Announce your presence by complimenting everyone and anyone, while at the same time handing out Canadian Flag pins to the poverty stricken and hungry locals.

    Hilarious (yet sadly true) post, Scott. Oh, and by the way, I wouldn’t be too upset about not being able to enjoy the beef burgers. From the looks of it, I think Mr. White and Black bandana has taken that liberty away from all Americans, even the ones still living there.

    Comment by bschooled | July 3, 2010 | Reply

    • Do you want to know the most beautiful thing B? Ok good, I’ll tell you; you don’t have to imagine how stylish and sexy I look in my 1988 ball hugging, white OP’s with my D & G sandals and with nothing else on. And I’m cleanly shaven. Everywhere. And a little too tan as well. See I printed out a full 3 page brochure (extra glossy) advertising just how stylish and sexy I look in them. I did it to try and drum up tourism for these suffering Spanish businesses. Mainly the D & G in the Granada airport and the OP retailer run by my dim witted Spanish friend. I’ve already emailed you the attachment, but please do not share; I don’t want to hurt my internet image or anything.

      I have nothing but sheer adoration for your Canadian patriot guide, or for Canadians as well come to think of it. I guess I always thought they were the nicest, most apologetic people in the world but just assumed is was all the free pharmaceuticals (big, big fan!) and never knew the guilt they had to suffer through. It almost sounds as bad as my friend who was born and raised in the mid-west by a Jewish mother and a devout catholic father who got rich by hitting the lottery. They were such a nice, guilty and apologetic family.

      Come to think of it they used to give out free flag pins and overpay the locals too. I wonder if they were secretly Canadian…?

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 3, 2010 | Reply

  27. Disposable income has ruined everything. Happy 4th amigo. I’ll have a burger just for you.

    Comment by Fundamental Jelly | July 3, 2010 | Reply

    • I need to find access to some of that disposable income FJ. And a beef burger. I hope you have a fantastic Fourth as well!

      Thanks FJ!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 3, 2010 | Reply

      • I’m keeping the fur on my burger just for you buddy—with a fried egg, extra cheese, funny-bones and a shredded 1-dollar bill—this comes with a side of ringing cell-phones and it’s served on a 22-inch chrome rim…

        In God We Lust…

        Comment by Ron-Yves Strouteau | July 3, 2010 | Reply

        • I’ve never heard ‘fur on my burger’ but it sounds.. iffy. They add the fried egg to the hamburgeusa over here and the rest of your concoction sounds like an all-American D-light!

          Thanks Ron!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 4, 2010 | Reply

          • No burgers today—my first BBQ of the day featured smoked pulled-pork that my buddy started yesterday afternoon—outstanding shiz 🙂

            PS-I do believe you’ll get a chuckle out of our July 4th post…

            Cheers.

            Comment by Ron-Yves Strouteau | July 4, 2010 | Reply

            • Enjoy your barbified food Ron, I know I would be!

              I’ll stop by later tonight!

              Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 4, 2010 | Reply

  28. Fantastic! I will enjoy one grass-fed and -finished organic beef patty for you, and light some things on fire and drink too much wine, but I don’t puke or talk loudly or wear flags, so maybe I should just bring the beef to you instead of hanging here with the Wal-Mart crowd. Did I mention I live in the south? Aw yeah, baby. Happy Independence Day!

    Comment by Jennifer | July 3, 2010 | Reply

    • Grass fed sounds right Jennifer! Lighting some shit on fire and drinking too much is making your blood redder by the minute and if you could only begin to puke, scream your sentences, hit your kids in public, wear flags, wear a visible g-string, take out your false teeth to go fight your common law sister in law, you’ll be at least half way home. You know I kid. The south is much much worse than that.

      It’s unbelievably good to see you again. And I hope you have a fantastic Fourth as well!

      Thanks Jennifer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 4, 2010 | Reply

  29. Great advice as always. Happy 4th to you, my friend!!

    Comment by Candice | July 3, 2010 | Reply

    • That’s what I hear for. Happy 4th to you beautiful!

      Thanks Candice!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 4, 2010 | Reply

  30. I’m familiar with the tourists you are talking about, Scott. I see them here all the time on the Las Vegas Strip. They traipse into town looking like Wal-Mart shoppers visiting from Kentucky (thanks Dave!!), lugging their beer coolers behind them. I think most have the mentality of “I’ll never see these people again” so don’t bother dressing up (not even for a Cirque du Soleil show or a nice meal). Still, the US has the plushest toilet paper in the world (in continuous sheets!!), spacious refrigerators, clothes dryers that are not part of the washer, hot and cold water that pours from a single spigot, refrigerated eggs, pasteurized cheese, sliced bread and does not stock sheep organs at the grocery…so it’s probably a wash. We look like holy terrors, but our creature comforts are awesome.

    Comment by elizabeth3hersh | July 3, 2010 | Reply

    • Aren’t they just awful Elizabeth? I feel especially bad for you living in Vegas. They seem to get it into their heads that Vegas is not even America but some kind of desserty intercoastal free zone where they can dress, snort, and kill prostitute crackheads however they want to. I honestly thought Florida (Old West) was bad until I saw Vegas (New, Intergalactic Space Bar, West). At least when they venture out of the bar to see the Cirque de Soleil in St. Pete they attempt to wipe the blood off their hands and clip on a tie. –BTW, I love the CdS!

      And I should have known that you’d nail the gist of it. The US has amazing creature comforts that put the rest of the world to absolute shame, even England. Even people that have serious money over here don’t live as easily (I didn’t say as well) as some of the poorest in America. When I moved here years ago I was in for a shock. It has done me a world of good in gaining perspective though.

      I hope you have an amazing Fourth!

      Thanks Elizabeth!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 4, 2010 | Reply

  31. Hope you all have fun.

    Comment by Corve DaCosta | July 3, 2010 | Reply

  32. And here was me thinking the British were the tourists who complained the most…..

    Comment by nursemyra | July 4, 2010 | Reply

    • Yay, you’re back!

      You may be right about the British. You do see a lot more of them than Americans I assume.

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 4, 2010 | Reply

  33. Oh, it’s so true! We can be awful! And you’re right: all we have to do is hit WalMart to see it (and it’s downright frightening! – Women with HUGE asses, no underpants, cellulite, bending over the shopping cart and flashing the beav for all the world to see – makes me wish for temporary blindness.)

    Happily, I shall spend the 4th white-water rafting on the Salmon River in Idaho. Hey, that’s today, since it is now after midnight. Hmmm… guess I should go to sleep – or maybe I’ll have another Dancing Trout and *then* go to sleep!

    Cheers, Sexy Man!

    Comment by Desert Rat | July 4, 2010 | Reply

    • Actually Rat, you don’t even have to hit a Wal-Mart anymore (although I’d like to… with a crowbar) to see those people thanks to that new and exciting website featuring their avant garde style of dress.

      I think that you have the best idea for the holiday yet. At least you have the one most in tune with my passions. In the middle of nowhere, surrounded by only those you like, having major fun in some major water! I wish I were with you for this one!

      Happy Fourth back atcho (I sneezed) Sexy Lady!

      Thanks Dessert Rat!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 4, 2010 | Reply

  34. So *that’s* what Daisy was doing 🙂

    Comment by Dolce | July 4, 2010 | Reply

    • I can’t wait to hear these tales!

      Thanks for stopping by Dolce!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 4, 2010 | Reply

  35. No hay Burger King? Mierda!

    Comment by Lisa | July 6, 2010 | Reply

  36. This is merely to re-establish post notification by email after a change enforced on me, sorry!

    Comment by davehambo | July 11, 2010 | Reply

  37. “When you are entering the pool or the ocean, be sure to make it known to people far and wide that the water ‘is fucking freezing.’”

    Too good. Too good. USA #1

    Comment by Vodka and Ground Beef | August 13, 2010 | Reply

    • I wrote this just after a loud (in every conceivable way) female friend had just left after spending two weeks with me.

      I was glad to see her go.

      USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

      Thanks V & GB!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 13, 2010 | Reply


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