Zodi’s Blog

More Awkwardity

This is actually part two of an ongoing series about situations that I find awkward. If you were stuck in a cave and the cave didn’t have internet so you somehow missed the first part, here it is.

 

After Sex Lazy Cuddle

I’ve slept with a few women in my life. Not an exorbitant amount, but a few good ones. And as mind blowingly amazing and leg twitchingly awesome as the sex may have been, there is just no way to get around the awkwardness at the end. You know, when you’re ‘all done.’

The only real awkwardness I feel about this, I can blame 100 percent on TV and movies. Because the entertainment industry tells us that we should lie there cuddling, whispering, smoking Camels and drinking Jamison while the Trojan condom somehow magically evaporates. But that doesn’t happen. That can NOT happen because there is always a mess.

If you use a condom (Are man enough to be a Trojan Man? Just curious, you don’t have to answer.), you will cut down a little on the mess. But you still have to find something to do with it pretty quickly because it starts to want to kind of slide off almost immediately, and neither one of you wants that to happen. So assuming that you have a bin beside the bed for that, you still have to get it off. This will make your hand sticky and smell rubbery and you’ll also get the bonus sensory pleasure of that horrible semen killing chemical they use. So even if you manage to get it off neatly, do either one of you want to lie there running your hands through each other’s hair? No.

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Kind of like that. But not really. I just needed a picture here and thought of Ghostbusters where they got slimed. But I couldn't find a decent imagee of that so I settled on this.

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And if you don’t use protection it becomes even more urgent to jump out of bed and grab a towel and clean up because everything is leaking everywhere and while you may concede that you are going to need a shower before bed, (unless you are really lazy and just plan to wash your junk in the sink) you really didn’t want to have to change the bed sheets because it’s already getting late and you have to get up to go to fucking work tomorrow.

If you are so cool and romantic that you can successfully ignore all the grossness and just lie there and tickle each other and snack on some Andes Candies and Pringles and have a Pudding Pop and make laughy jokes for hours on end while smearing bodily fluids all over each other (which an hour ago may have sounded kind of hot because you were horny, but now only sounds gross because you are tired and not horny) and all over the bed linens, then I say that you are a lot cooler, and a lot less awkward than I am.

 

Hola Hello

I presently live in a very small town (this is new to me) and it is customary to acknowledge other peoples’ existence in the street (this is also pretty much new to me) which in itself creates an opportunity for awkwardness. Add in the multi cultural community and now I have a foolproof way to awkward myself daily.

In a stunning display of mental uncoordination, I always manage to say hello to Spanish people, and hola to English people. It’s worse than you imagine as well, because like I said this is a very small town. I know who is Spanish and who is English, and they damn well know that I know. But my tongue seems to want revenge for something that I must have done to it in the past because even as the word is coming out of my mouth and I realize my mistake I know that I can not stop it.

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Do you remember her? Well even she is convinced that I’m retarded.

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As the top of my head begins to itch and burn, I try to passive aggressively shift the blame onto the bastardly stranger who has made me embarrass myself, by rationalizing that he should have spoken first, effectively saving me from picking the wrong Goddamned language.

If I get lucky and don’t happen to know the person then I’ll simply mutter “no entiendo” no matter what nationality they are or what language I had previously spoken in, and continue walking with my head down and hoping that they will just assume I am retarded and leave me alone.

 

The Guilty Awkward

This last one is the most inexplicable to me. Maybe it’s because I was a bad kid and have been a less than exemplary citizen in my life, but I always feel guilty even when I’m not. It’s not even that I feel guilty; it’s that I believe other people are immediately going to assume that I’m guilty, so I try to counteract that by acting guiltless but all I can pull off is awkward.

If I’m in a store and the clerk looks at me sideways I think that she must think I’m going to shoplift or rob the place at gunpoint. I feel that my only recourse at this point is to overact my shopping experience. I frown twice as frowny as usual as if to say, “I hate this shirt. I wouldn’t even steal this shirt” then subtly shake my head at the offending shirt. Or if I do like something I’ll nod my head and literally say, “Mmm” as if to say, “Yes, I’m thinking of purchasing this fine garment.” I will then make a show of looking at the price tag and theatrically contorting my face as if to say, “This is not cheap but I am seriously considering spending my money on this reasonably priced and well made item.”

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Hola ¿Cómo está... Oh, you're German? Fuck.

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I feel guilty when I see an attractive female walk by and she looks at me in a ‘are you looking at me?’ kind of way At this point I have to assess how presentable I myself look. Because if I look good then it is ok to notice her and possibly even acknowledge her presence by attempting to say hello in the wrong language. But if I’m wearing an old t-shirt and a baseball hat then even an involuntarily jerk of my head in the direction of movement when I catch a blur of her walking by would just be pervy. Well, it wouldn’t but she would think it would and that would be awkwardly guilty.

P.S. 

If you didn’t know who the nice lady in the second photo is, and want to read one of my personal favorite posts of all time, go here, you won’t regret it. Actually you might. Aren’t you curious now?

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July 4, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , ,

92 Comments »

  1. I miss the days when I felt just fine pointing to the shower and then telling them they could go home 😉

    I adore your guilt affliction, I think it’s endearing albeit uncomfortable for you. I can relate to it but since I’m older than you I’m finally at the point of I don’t give a shit

    Comment by dianne | July 4, 2010 | Reply

    • And I’d imagine that your conquests all sheepishly obeyed, if only in the hopes of ‘another crack at it.’

      It’s really weird that I do give a fuck because I give a fuck about so little else. But I just can’t stand the thought of a stranger thinking I’m horrible. People that know me can think what they like.

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 5, 2010 | Reply

  2. Scott, I can relate to you on so many levels. I think this post explains why I’m basically a hermit today. Excellent, excellent post.

    Comment by elizabeth3hersh | July 5, 2010 | Reply

    • I was hoping that someone could relate. And there are less and less reasons to have to leave the house these days anyway.

      Thanks Elizabeth!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 5, 2010 | Reply

  3. Question: Why did you tag Winona Ryder?

    Re: the after sex lazy cuddle thingy: it doesn’t have to be awkward. If you’re using a condom, just make an after-sex game of it by going to the washroom together and filling the thing with water to check for holes. Then, run back to bed or wherever and cuddle to your heart’s content. OR you can do the gentlemanly thing and get a nice warm washcloth to wipe her with afterwards.
    Too much work?

    Comment by gazingatnavels | July 5, 2010 | Reply

    • Answer; because I’ve always wanted to tag her. And she has really good pharmaceuticals. And because I was going to use her image but then found that hot girl and used that instead.

      Yes, you have a very romantic and innovative idea for fun with condoms. Now that you’ve given me the idea, I can think of a few other fun and exciting activities to enjoy with a used condom….

      Pin the condom on the donkey
      Condom Wars! Like rubber band wars, only messier.
      Condom Piñata
      Connect Four Condoms

      Ok, that’s all I got.

      Thanks Gazingatnavels!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 5, 2010 | Reply

  4. The lingering smell of the after sex condom is rather disgusting. It’s a cross between rotting yeast, and decaying flesh.

    Sexy!

    Comment by Candice | July 5, 2010 | Reply

    • Wow Candice you’re right. And you described that smell to rotting, decaying T. You’d think R & D would come up with something nicer.

      Thanks Candice!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 5, 2010 | Reply

  5. Damn, bro, I know the exact feeling. That’s why I always went to their house and used a phony name, address and phone number. And I really hate it when the condom gets lost.

    Me: Uh o!

    Her: Uh o what? No don’t tell me.

    Me: Yep.

    Her: You better not have . . . it isn’t, is it?

    Me: Say, listen, thanks for the good time, but I really gotta be running. Call me.

    Problem solved.

    Comment by jammer5 | July 5, 2010 | Reply

    • BTW, love the word, Awkwardity. It kinda just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it.

      Comment by jammer5 | July 5, 2010 | Reply

      • It is a lovable word Jammer. These situations just roll off my life.

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 5, 2010 | Reply

    • You made me laugh out loud, snortle and chortle with that one. Has that really happened to you? More than once? I must have never um… went that far. ACK!

      Thanks Jammer

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 5, 2010 | Reply

      • Naaa . . . I made it up 🙂

        Comment by jammer5 | July 5, 2010 | Reply

    • Jammer don’t hate me for this but I just read a scholarly article about failed contraceptive devices in India. It appears that when Indian men use condoms, there is a high incidence of them falling off and remaining inside the woman’s vagina. This is due to the usual condom sizes being too big for the majority of Indian men who are using them.

      Not that I’m necessarily saying anything about the size of YOUR equipment…..

      Comment by nursemyra | July 5, 2010 | Reply

      • Ouch!!!!

        Comment by frigginloon | July 5, 2010 | Reply

        • Penile extensions, people, penile extensions.

          Comment by jammer5 | July 5, 2010 | Reply

          • Wait. Before or after, these incidents in question?

            Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 5, 2010 | Reply

      • That sounds like a very plausible explanation NM, very plausible indeed. As a matter of fact I can’t see and other way that could happen.

        I’m going to have to wait for Jammer’s excuse explanation.

        Thanks Nursemyra!!

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 5, 2010 | Reply

        • Oh, and don’t feel bad. Remember that I am half Irish.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 5, 2010 | Reply

        • The difference is expansion versus shrinkage. Does one buy for the shrinkage size? Of course not; one buys for the expansion size, which in my particular case means extra tiny versus elephantiasis. So some loss is inevitable. And that’s my excuse explanation.

          Comment by jammer5 | July 5, 2010 | Reply

          • It’s as good as any Jammer. For some reason I just pictured you as George Costanza with you voice steadily getter louder. I think the George persona suits you.

            Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 5, 2010 | Reply

            • I steadfastly refuse to picture that, as when I reach the screaming stage, I become uncontrollable 🙂

              Comment by jammer5 | July 5, 2010 | Reply

      • Amongst the 1/2 Billion Indian men of condom-using age, I must’ve hooked up with the exception to that rule …

        Comment by Mitzi G Burger | July 5, 2010 | Reply

        • I never knew there was a specific condom using age. Awwww shit.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 6, 2010 | Reply

  6. “Awkward myself” – love it. I have a comment about the after sex thing but I don’t really know how to word it without… I dunno, TMI or something. Fuck. I’m blushing now. I think I’ll go read those other posts you referred to. Bye!

    Comment by Megan @Momlarky | July 5, 2010 | Reply

    • Hey. Those links are not taking me anywhere. Is it just me? Have I missed something?

      Comment by Megan @Momlarky | July 5, 2010 | Reply

      • No, that was my fault. I fixed them both.

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 5, 2010 | Reply

    • Oh, just let it fly Megan. You know how we do it over here. I think this whole post was TMI, as most of what comes out of my mouth and/or keyboard is.

      Thanks Megan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 5, 2010 | Reply

  7. Hey. Those links are not taking me anywhere. Is it just me? Help!

    Comment by Megan @Momlarky | July 5, 2010 | Reply

    • Fuck. I don’t know how I just posted that twice. I have now “awkwarded myself” all over your blog. Fuck.

      Comment by Megan @Momlarky | July 5, 2010 | Reply

      • Now, you just made me spit at my screen like an interneting camel. That was instant funny!

        Do you want me to delete one of these? I don’t want to, but I will.

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 5, 2010 | Reply

        • No, don’t. They add a certain je ne sais quois. Is that how you spell that? **shrugs**

          Comment by Megan @Momlarky | July 5, 2010 | Reply

          • It’s close enough for me. And I happen to agree; that accidental comment is the stuff that keeps the bee’s knee’s nice and bendy!

            Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 6, 2010 | Reply

    • I’ve helped!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 5, 2010 | Reply

  8. I’m going to pretend that I can only relate to the guilt bit of the post.

    I got kicked out of a Petsmart once because I couldn’t find the type cat food I wanted, and kept wandering around the cat food section reading labels. The manager finally intervened, and told me he’d never seen anybody do that before, and I could happily go on my way. Now I’m -really- sure that I always look like I’m there to lift something.

    Comment by Natalie | July 5, 2010 | Reply

    • Pretending is fun! Especially when I get to be the cowboy and….

      I would be so pissed that I’d never shop there again Natalie. Just for reading labels? They would have gotten one of my best angry letters ever. Seriously. They would have had to give me a hundred dollar gift certificate to get me back in there. But it does suck having that feeling of guilt even when you are innocent, but you can’t actually prove how incredibly innocent you are. Not without awkwardness anyway.

      Thanks Natalie!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 5, 2010 | Reply

  9. Damn I “awkwarded myself” by closing the page before saving my comment.

    I can definitely identify with speaking the wrong language when greeting someone – I have been in Italy and greeted someone in say German (of which I know very little!). And the feeling guilty when in fact innocent – like KNOWING you are not lying but FEELING the other person thinks you are lying, so looking guilty bizarre!

    But on the sex front, I enjoy the bodily fluids even when not horny anymore so don’t want anyone to rush off anywhere. Condoms make it more difficult as they don’t exactly look enticing on after the sex so something HAS to be done about them!

    Comment by The Late Stork | July 5, 2010 | Reply

    • Oh my God I hope that I’ve just created a pop culture saying! I’ve always wanted to be behind one of the better ones. I hear that the ‘gag me with a spoon’ guy is still making a fortune off of the royalties.

      I know exactly what you mean about the lying thing too. You are so convinced that they think you are lying that you actually begin to look like you are lying because you’re nervous. I’ve always said that if I had to be questioned in an investigation, I’d be going right to jail.

      And maybe we should try to develop, patent and market the first semen eating, self destructing condom!

      Thanks, The Late Stork!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 5, 2010 | Reply

      • I would join you in jail after a very short investigation as I also would seem guilty. And while we’re there we can develop, patent and market our condom. Since we’ll be in jail, we’ll have to do our own testing too!!

        Comment by The Late Stork | July 5, 2010 | Reply

        • It would be dirty, but honest work! And when we got out we’d be like super rich!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 5, 2010 | Reply

  10. If your spooge looks like the first picture…forget cuddling, make sure she has a hasmat suit and get yourself to the hospital.

    Comment by Bearman | July 5, 2010 | Reply

    • Really? I knew I shouldn’t have written all those satirical articles about Putin a few years ago. Damn.

      Thanks Bearman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 5, 2010 | Reply

  11. You just crack me up

    Comment by Karen lee Thompson | July 5, 2010 | Reply

    • If you think about that sentence for too long.. it becomes awkward.

      Thanks Karen!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 5, 2010 | Reply

  12. Oh for goodness sakes, that was the whole idea why condoms were invented,Scotty. While the guy is kindly disposing of it, it gives you a window of opportunity to flee …not that I would know anything about that…I’m just sayin!!!!

    Comment by frigginloon | July 5, 2010 | Reply

    • I’ve never wanted the girl to flee necessarily, just maybe grab a quick shower while I wash up in the sink and make us some sandwiches. That’s all. Everybody wins.

      Thanks Loon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 5, 2010 | Reply

  13. This was awesome and hilarious Scott, even without being able to relate to most of it, because I never have messy sex, ever. I forced The Yang to have a semen removal operation after our third date, I’m amazed that we ever managed to fall pregnant with The Boy actually, some people are calling it a miracle.

    Either way, I loved this post!

    Comment by RubyTwoShoes | July 5, 2010 | Reply

    • I sorta think that the grossness of it all is there for a reason though. I mean other than procreation. With out all the slippy, sloppy mess, everybody would just have sex all day every day and nothing else in the world would ever get done. The mess is like a libido fuse box.

      Thanks Ruby!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 5, 2010 | Reply

  14. Normally I would bust your sticky chops for posting such clap trap, but I think you make a fine point. The whole sex act is a cornucopia of musky nonsense. I suggest you refrain from coitus altogether and just pleasure yourself in a freahly laundered beat rag. I realize you may find this a tad boring, but you will thank AFTER.

    Comment by Harmony | July 5, 2010 | Reply

    • It’s an honest to God pleasure to see you again Harmony. I almost would have welcomed a busting of my sticky chops though. I feel that I’ve been getting a little out of line recently and a little discipline goes a long way.

      Yes, masturbation is good, clean fun but I feel dirtier after that than I actually am after sex. It does not stop me, I’m just telling you.

      Thanks Harmony!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 5, 2010 | Reply

  15. Scott; no way I can beat these comments, you have twisted my guilt into overdrive and shrunk my item into impotence (no, joking, that all the damn heart tablets I have to take in order to stay alive and read your and other folks stuff is to blame for that…)

    Comment by davehambo | July 5, 2010 | Reply

    • I suddenly and inexplicably feel even more awkward knowing that I seem to be indirectly responsible for shrinking and impotency. I didn’t mean any of it. I’m sure they could mix up some of the medications, add or subtract a little something to the cocktail to fix that, no? It’s worth a shot…

      Thanks Dave!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 5, 2010 | Reply

      • according to the counter, the last entry was the 69th comment to this post; just mentioning in passing!

        Comment by davehambo | July 6, 2010 | Reply

  16. Sad version: while bloke dashes off to dispose of used condom, woman has a sneaky hit of southern comfort (ok, a wank) to give herself the orgasm he failed to provide.

    Happy version: while bloke dashes off to dispose of used condom, woman waits purring for man to return and perform orally what he failed to provide.

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | July 5, 2010 | Reply

    • Ohh well, now I feel really awkward. This seems to be a recuring theme around here lately.

      First of all I’ve never had that issue, probably because I used to drink so much that it… nevermind. But second of all, after? the sex? I couldn’t. I couldn’t even let a girl do me after. See? I am a prude.

      Thanks Mitzi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 5, 2010 | Reply

  17. The Ghostbusters picture works—I’ve actually seen an old 80’s porn called Sex-Busters, featuring Peter North…The soundtrack features a funked-out version of the original GB’s theme…In the final scene, after North makes his deposit on a young classy lady—she turns to the camera and says, “I’ve been slimed…”

    I’m not kidding either—this movie is out there…

    Comment by Ron-Yves Strouteau | July 5, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m going to have to search for that. It probably miraculously made the cut to digital when everything went all internety.

      It will be great comedic research.

      Thanks Ron!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 5, 2010 | Reply

  18. I solve the “hola/hello” problem by just saying “HOLA!” to everyone. Although that is kind of a problem in itself since only about 4% of the people around here speak Spanish.

    I have a bit of the guilt affliction too. Sometimes I actually get pissed at myself for it because I think it makes me look really stupid which is worse than someone thinking I’m a bad person. haha

    Comment by Jay | July 5, 2010 | Reply

    • That is genuis Jay! With all the animosity brewing in the states saying hola probably saves anyone even trying to talk to you. I need a hola. I’ll have to find the Romanian hello.

      I know. I usually do end up looking guilty (anyway), stupid and awkward. Awkwardly stupid.

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 5, 2010 | Reply

  19. You could always try the ‘smile and nod’ as you scurry…um, hurry past.

    Comment by Reb | July 5, 2010 | Reply

    • I guess that’s always been part of my problem though Reb, I try to be polite even when I’m apparently incapable of being normal.

      Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 6, 2010 | Reply

  20. Scott –

    Once again you’ve proven yourself the master of gleefully obscene analogies. I especially like what you’ve done with post-sex cleanup, which is really a topic that no one else is addressing. I’m just waiting for the inevitable bump that you’ll get from the British Sex Aggregator, “Freshly Sexed.”

    I’ve become fond of the post-sex fluids and odors as they serve as a souvenir of a good time had by all (or at least half of “all”). It’s like having the ticket stub from an awesome concert.

    Of course, if you’re not careful with coverage, you may find yourself with concert souvenirs that are more like band name tattoos. They’ll turn your formerly rockin’ house into an extended visit by GG Allin, what with all the yelling, defecating, urinating, vomiting and bleeding.

    Of course, as is the case with most men, the “ticket stub” is casually tossed into the wash along with pants and never thought of again. However, the woman may find herself at work or the mall or entertaining other “fans,” when the last vestiges of the man’s “concert souvenirs” decide to exit. Awkardity, indeed!

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | July 5, 2010 | Reply

    • I had also been expectantly waiting for my British ‘bump’ from Freshly Sexed. But when it finally came (no pun intended) I was sorely disappointed. I don’t mean to be harsh, but a good lot (am I saying that right?) of these British woman not only aren’t attractive by today’s (or any other fucking day’s) standards but it seems they aren’t particularly into sex. I don’t mean to stereotype, I only mean to say that this was the case with 99 1/2 British women out of a hundred. Surprisingly one of the midgets was a hot little nympho. Just loved it, she did.

      I truly loved your ticket stub analogy; it seems the most fitting sex/concert analogy I’ve heard in a while. It was even better than the Eddie Murphy herpes/luggage hall of famer. Yes, I still remember my ‘stub’ I managed to save from Ozzy’s 94 tour. Yep, that ‘stub’ stuck with me for a while. Finally a doctor had to burn it from my ‘stub’ ‘book.’

      This was the kind of once in a decade comment that will stick with me for a while. Presumably a decade.

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 6, 2010 | Reply

      • Which part of Spain are you in Scott? Surely red and hot British female tottie is everwhere in our favourite sunshine holiday country?

        Comment by davehambo | July 7, 2010 | Reply

        • I’m just up from the southern coast Dave. But thankfully, I’m far removed from the tourist havens around Malaga. It’s called Cadiar, about 40 minutes up from the coast (Adra, Al Rabita).

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 8, 2010 | Reply

          • So you are well safe enough from the marauding sex-crazed oafa then… They wouldn’t go that far for a seeing to?

            Comment by davehambo | July 8, 2010 | Reply

            • I don’t think they have to Dave. There are more of their fish and chip eating, lager louting mates right there with them! I assume you’ve been to Malaga/Torremolinos?

              Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 8, 2010 | Reply

              • No, because of the style of tourist we export there! Just paid attention to news articles over the years…

                Comment by davehambo | July 8, 2010 | Reply

  21. I’m kinda with Dianne on this one; that I don’t give a shit for the most part anymore, unless I like the person, and I really like most people. And any sex at all is good these days if rubber sheets are in place with all of those nice Lysol wipes on the nightstand. And the trumpet. The Roxanne Pulitzer trumpet. Ah-hem. Funny G.D. post, mi amigo!

    Comment by Dan McGinley | July 6, 2010 | Reply

    • If you meant to say that you don’t really like most people Dan, I’d say I felt the same way. In all honesty I don’t care what people think of me to a large degree. Even those who know me well would say that I can be ‘eccentric,’ which I take to mean that I have no real social skills to speak of. But for some reason I can’t stand the thought of a stranger thinking that I’m a horrible person.

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 6, 2010 | Reply

      • Yeah . . . it’s actually complicated. Or confusing. I forget my points a lot these days. I wish I was labeled “eccentric”, but no. People just say I’m confused.

        Comment by Dan McGinley | July 6, 2010 | Reply

        • Ok, so I was trying to make myself look a little better. They actually call me ‘that crazy mother fucker who throw cats at tourists.’ So don’t feel bad Dan.

          Thanks Dan!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 7, 2010 | Reply

  22. Make all the condom jokes you want it’s a ll fun and games until you see that it burst. Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | July 6, 2010 | Reply

    • A true and valid point. Thank God I have all those pending lawsuits. They’ll help to pay for all these youngins.

      Thanks Matt!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 7, 2010 | Reply

  23. Spewing body fluids all over is the best part of sex, no?

    Awkward dosen’t begin to cover it. They dont tell you about that part in High School health class now do they?

    This is a community service you have done here Scott. Someone call a publisher and get it re-printed in the textbooks. Awkward sex should be a new chapter,.

    Comment by Candy | July 7, 2010 | Reply

    • While I agree that it is the most pleasurable….no, you’re totally right, it’s the funnest thing in the world! But about 3 to 5 seconds later, when the fun is done so to speak, that’s when it gets all gross.

      I’d love to get this published in high school textbooks. It would probably work a lot better than abstinence only!

      Thanks Candy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 8, 2010 | Reply

  24. Oh, lord. Reading your post (and the resulting comments) makes me sooo glad that I’m married. After being with someone for 16 years, nothing is awkward anymore. It’s just “get the towel” and move on.
    I totally feel the shopping guilt awkwardness, too. I’ve never stolen anything in my life (well just that one time), but when I see the salespeople looking at me I make sure that my purse is closed and my hands never go in my pockets. I’ll over exaggerate putting something back on the shelf or in my cart. And heaven forbid you leave the store without purchasing anything! That just screams “thief!”

    Comment by Amy | July 7, 2010 | Reply

    • For me I don’t feel guilty about “get the towel” I feel guilty about not wanting to lie there and stew in our juices. And that’s only because of TV. I don’t miss any parts of condom use though.

      Isn’t it crazy? We should be doing the opposite and acting like we ARE stealing just so they stop us and we can sue them. Or at least so we can publicly exonerate ourselves.

      Thanks Amy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 8, 2010 | Reply

  25. It’s nice to hear a male perspective on the first part of your post. Your a true trail blazer of honest awkwardity. “Eccentric no social skills”, Ive been called eccentric a few times it drives me crazy. I’m always wondering why a person would call me eccentric. Very Funny post by the way.

    Comment by starlaschat | July 7, 2010 | Reply

    • I have been called a trail blazer previously but I don’t think they meant it in the same way. It makes me happy to be called eccentric because that word is usually reserved for the rich. People like me are usually called “batshit crazy” or “psychopath” so I’ll take eccentric!

      Thanks Star!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 8, 2010 | Reply

    • Hope you read the trail blazer comment as a compliment as you have a unique way of writing about how a lot of people feel and think, but not putting into words. Well done. Eccentric I always thought maybe a older gent who was rich and did not have to work. So I’m not sure why I get that reference. Maybe because my socks don’t always match. oh well.

      Comment by starlaschat | July 8, 2010 | Reply

  26. The sex thing… everything good comes w/a price, lol. And I’m a pudding pop kind of girl myself. I have always lived in a small town and I LOATHE the obligatory “hello”/waving-when-passing-in-the-car thing. HATE IT. So I wear sunglasses as much as possible in the car so I can avoid eye contact which gives me a “pass” to not wave. But you just can’t avoid the hello on the street…. unless you are “on the phone”. I have issues w/socialization I suppose, haha. And if those are the kind of girls you see on the street (last pic) you need to pick up a little German! Guten tag!

    Comment by Mrs. D | July 8, 2010 | Reply

    • You always have had the ability to make me feel a certain kind of way with your comments Mrs. D, and you know what kind of way that is. Wow, tapioca?

      Yes, this small town horseshit gets old really quick. I am not at all cool with having to say hello or God forbid talk, to everybody. I am not a social butterfly… unless I feel like being one. Can you teach me any?

      Thanks Mrs. D!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 8, 2010 | Reply

      • Just smile and say “Hallo katzchen”, I’m sure it’ll work.

        Comment by Mrs. D | July 8, 2010 | Reply

  27. […] If you’ve somehow missed my other awkward posts then you can read them here, here, and here Now, lets get down with the […]

    Pingback by Social Awkwardity « Zodi’s Blog | August 11, 2010 | Reply


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