Zodi’s Blog

Short Stupid Letters

Dear Spanish Desserts– Why do you have to tempt me with your seductive deliciousness daily? I have to come into the panderia where you live to by whole grain bread, which is healthy. You on the other hand are not. We are no good for each other. I know it hurts to hear, but I don’t love you. I never did love you. I only used you for my selfish amusement. So just go on your way…*sobbing* just leave me alone you sweet, sweet, tasty whores.  

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If you love something set it free. If it comes back it is trying to kill you. Or make you fat.

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Dear Gravity– You seem to take your job way too seriously. BTW, what do you have against middle aged white people who attempt to dance at weddings?  

P.S. – If you come near my testicles again I’ll fucking kill you.  

 

Dear Godfather Franchise– It’s been 20 years since the number 3 debacle; your punishment is now over. There is one stipulation though; Andy Garcia can not be the boss, he’s not believable. He’s much better suited to run a casino, or even play a Fredo type character. You should call Gandolfini, he’d be happy to hear from you I’m sure.  

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Dear Exclamation Points– You guys are far too ambiguous. I can never tell whether you are trying to talk loudly like, “Sorry Grandma, you’re all out of Oxy Contin, you have to order more. I said you’ll have to order more!” Or if you are just really passionate about what you are saying like, “I absolutely love watching The Price is Right with you when we’re medicated Grandma! Bid $10,500 lady!”  Or if you are in a murderous rage like, “If you don’t tell the fucking doctor you need more pills I’ma goin kill you! Raaaarrr!” Or if you are really exuberant like “I finish my prison sentence for elder abuse and doctor shopping tomorrow! Can you pick me up Grandma? Bring your pills!”  

I think you’d do well to be clearer with your meaning to avoid any confusion.  

P.S.- I really love you anyway!!  

 

Dear { and }- Sorry, I don’t even know your name. What do you do again? I’d use you more but I’m afraid you’ll make me look stupid.  

 

Dear Control/Alt/Delete– Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I owe you big time. Your amazing ability to make the porn disappear quickly is phenomenal. Thank you!  

 

Dear Lindsey– Just use this jail time to rest your neck and get your mind right. You don’t have to worry about whether or not to drink in jail, so you can finally relax. It will do you a world of good if you let it. I mean that seriously.  

 

Dear Iran– You fascist pigs are now telling your citizens that they can’t even get mullets? Actually that’s not too bad of an idea. Cheers Iran!  

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Worthy of a stoning? Yes.

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Dear People Who Use the Internet Primarily to Bully Others Because They are Fucking Cowards, or Maybe Just Evil, in Real Life. – You are jealous, petty, sad, pathetic bitches with black, dead hearts and no souls. Your actions and your lives are reprehensible. When normal people hate life so much they just kill themselves, they don’t try to bring other people down to their level of miserable. Please go sit in a cave somewhere and chew on rocks covered in bat shit until you die of bleeding gums and guava poisoning.  

P.S. Karma is a bad bitch, and she will bite your fat, white asses one day.  

 

Dear Karma– Did you take care of that thing for me yet? You know that thing with the thing?  

 

Dear Spinach, Broccoli, Chick Pea, Carrot and Cheese Salad I Had for Lunch– You tasted good but now you are killing the atmosphere in here.  

 

Dear Crackhead– You didn’t drop anything.  

 

Dear James Patterson– Sorry I took the piss out of you earlier. I was only joking. But you do have the biggest head in the history of physical and metaphorical big heads. If your head were a golf iron it would be a 299,999 wedge.  

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Seriously James, I can hear the hat screaming from here.

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Anyway listen buddy, I was thinking that ‘we’ could get together and write a trilogy about a really short, really badass, investigator, computer hacker chick based in one of those Nordic countries. We could call her Elisa Salamander or something; maybe give her a few tattoos or piercings….   

Think about it; your name + my effort = 99% your profit.  

I have a good feeling about this one. Call me!  

 

Dear Attention Span– I acknowledge that I was wrong to take you for granted. I know that I’ve done some things to unknowingly hurt you. I apologize from the bottom of my heart. I want you back. I’m humbly asking you to consider…. OHHH, somebody just sent me a message on Facebook!  

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Daddy needs a new pair of shoes.

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Dear German Octopus– You should have sex with Punxatony Phil and make some mutated, fugly and amazingly psychic (especially by animal standards) species of sports and weather predicting hybrids. Please?     

 

Dear Cigarettes– Haha, fuck you, I win!  

 

Dear Friends and Random People Who Read This Blog but Don’t Comment So I don’t Really Know Who You Are– This is the last post I am ever going to write   for about 10 days. Sorry if that last sentence was confusing. I was thinking that I could pretend that I was quitting blogging and then you’d all be like, “Nooo don’t” then I could say, “If you want me to keep blogging then beg for it…say my name,” and then you’d all be like, “Please, please don’t quit. We love you. Here, let us throw our panties and some wadded up hundred dollars bills at you!” and then I’d be like “Ok.” But I realized at the very last minute that it would be kind of douchey to do that so I didn’t. That’s why the first sentence of this paragraph looks like it was hit by an angry, drunken, retarded boy wielding a sledgehammer.   

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I'm coming future Wifey!

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Anyway, I’ll still be around obsessively faithfully answering comments and commenting and stalking and harassing until Saturday. But on Sunday I going to Malaga to watch Spain play in the World Cup final in a big city (90% sure. If not I’ll be here till Monday) to see if I can be a part of a European soccer riot because that would be amazing blogging material. From there Wifey and I are flying into Italy and spending 5 days between Pisa and Florence. There is a chance that I’ll stay in Italy forever if somebody decides to hire me as their personal comedy writer. Or Facebook updater. Or obsessive compulsive commenter. Or I suppose that there’s a chance some wealthy heiress will take notice of my obvious charm and wit and decide that she absolutely must have me, so she’ll insist that I divorce my wife and marry her, and then she’ll keep me and then I’ll be kept. And rich.  

But if none of those things happen I’ll be back shortly. And like I said I’m not even leaving till Sunday so don’t forget to comment or I won’t buy you any Italian gold or even think of you when I’m a wealthy Tuscan land owner.

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July 8, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , ,

100 Comments »

  1. Where do I start:

    1. Spanish Desserts – I wasn’t too impressed. Maybe b/c in every bakery they also sold meat and their was a giant boar head staring at me in the window.

    2. Dear (and): I start every conversation with, I have a terrible memory and won’t remember your name the next time I see you so don’t be upset.

    3. Dear Iran….thank you.

    4. Dear readers who don’t comment: I have friends who tell me “Oh I loved that cartoon you did the other day” Funny thing is the people who actually comment on my site, I have never actually met.

    Comment by Bearman | July 8, 2010 | Reply

    • They do have some amazing tiny desserts where I am Bearman. They are just perfect. Now Italy next week is going to kill me. But in the good way kind of dead.

      I’m the same way with names as well that’s why I always repeat names, even when typing now because it’s a trick I picked up. I’ve met beautiful women when I was single and still forgot their names.

      And that as Liz Lemon would say, is a deal breaker.

      Thanks Bearman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 8, 2010 | Reply

  2. You know . . . you can’t rent in Tuscany. [Seinfeld trivia reference with Elaine dating “The Maestro”.]

    I thought of you while watching that dude head butt a funky ball into history for Spain. I could actually hear you going ballistic over there, and it must have inspired your creative mind, cuz this is some damn funny material. I have to admit that laughing alone sounds insane, but yes, the German octopus got to me, and technically I wasn’t alone, since two hounds were staring at me like WTF? Anyway, great post and have an extraordinary sports/vacation adventure. I know a great report is coming . . . Cheers, Scott!

    Comment by Dan McGinley | July 8, 2010 | Reply

    • It’s funny Dan but every time I think about northern Italy I think of the Maestro episode. You can’t afford Tuscany!

      The scene was unbelievable last night Dan. They were chanting, singing and dancing away the last few minutes of that match. It was won of the most intense sports scenes I’ve been a part of and I’ve gone to Steeler playoff games (where the old Three Rivers would literally shake) for years.

      And I’m used to the dog stare.

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 8, 2010 | Reply

      • Damn! I just read this and now know that Spain rules the soccer world. I could hear you screamng again, and can’t wait for the reports. Fantastic final! The news footage did, indeed, humble our football fans. Those Spaniards know how to party!

        Comment by Dan McGinley | July 12, 2010 | Reply

        • It was incredible Dan. I’m going to try to at least post a video of it!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 19, 2010 | Reply

  3. Any desserts! Yeah, gravity sucks, I have the scars to prove it! I just want to shave the rest of his hair! Why oh why won’t my hair ever grow that long? Um, there was something else…. oh, attention something, well…it’s gone now.

    Comment by Reb | July 8, 2010 | Reply

    • You want to shave the rest of his hair and I want to make him eat something explosive. I wish I could grow my hair that long as well, I’d wrap it around the top where it’s starting to thin.

      Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 8, 2010 | Reply

  4. “Spinach, Broccoli, Chick Pea, Carrot and Cheese Salad” ?? Good Lord, man ! You were ASKING FOR IT !!!

    Comment by Heff | July 8, 2010 | Reply

    • I didn’t even mention the protein shake…

      Thanks Heff!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 8, 2010 | Reply

  5. I understood everything this time, weyhey! Enjoy the match and the holiday… hope to see you back, sometime?

    This is a very old travel guide to a part of Italy you are going to… sort of;

    page 33 in particular

    Comment by davehambo | July 8, 2010 | Reply

    • That was an interesting format Dave, I’ll have to check it out when I have some more time.

      Thanks for the link, and for the well wishes!

      Thanks Dave!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 8, 2010 | Reply

  6. I wholeheartedly agree w/everything on this list. Especially the James Patterson’s head thing. Is he Charlie Brown’s long lost brother? And people who bully or even just intimidate others online ARE bitches, I second that for sure (except for making fun of celebrities/politicians, that’s 100% okay!). I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you that a wealthy, voluptuous Spanish woman that doesn’t look anything like your gypsy neighbor decides that you will complete her. Good luck!

    Comment by Mrs. D | July 8, 2010 | Reply

    • Isn’t it huge? Oh my God you nailed it. It is charlie Brown. I’d love to see that top heavy, greedy bastard try to kick a football.

      I’ll take Spanish, Italian or mid-western D, as long as the price is right! Wait, just kidding. Because if not I’d be a whore….(ahem) No neighbors though.

      Thanks Mrs. D!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 8, 2010 | Reply

  7. “So just go on your way…*sobbing* just leave me alone you sweet, sweet, tasty whores.”

    This is EXACTLY what I say to strippers when I leave the strip club.

    Have a great time in Italy. And I hope you get to join in a European Soccer Riot. Which I’m sure will be much safer than a South American Soccer Riot. Seeing as how your nanny state government wouldn’t let you guys do anything too dangerous. 😉

    Comment by Jay | July 8, 2010 | Reply

    • I’ve said the same thing to strippers myself Jay. And the lines of blow that we were…just kidding (ahem again).

      Where I might go for the game (Malaga) can be a little shaky on a good day. Damn I wish I could pack some heat. I’ll just have to hope that they are all too stoned, or something something.

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 8, 2010 | Reply

  8. I would wish for you great opportunity as a comedy writer. TV Movies how great would that be? Super great! I never even thought about the desserts around the world.:+) So many funny things in this post. Keep the wifey over bales of dough love is harder to find in the long run. I win about the cigarettes great remark. Readers who don’t comment, I figure I try and comment at the risk of saying a lot of stupid things I some times say things I regret but for the most part I try to not not comment, too much of that going on. If you get stuck in a soccer riot try and take pictures or not. Wow what a long droning comment.

    Comment by starlaschat | July 8, 2010 | Reply

    • It’s what I was born to do Star (I hope you don’t mind me calling you Star. It sounds cool to me anyway) Seriously to get to write for The Daily Show or Curb, or better yet a show that was my own baby would make my life complete! And a complete turnaround to boot.

      It feels awesome to be able to tell cigarettes to fuck off. They fucked me off for too long. And I thrive on comments. I’d rather get 50 good comments with only 100 people looking than get 2000 people looking with 20 good comments.

      Thanks Star!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 8, 2010 | Reply

    • Stars a good nickname, Thanks! Hope your having a good time and you remember to bring back lot of gold and silver trinkets for your blogging friends.;+)

      Comment by starlaschat | July 15, 2010 | Reply

      • I knew you’d like it.

        I did. And platinum for your grill too!!

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 19, 2010 | Reply

  9. Yeah, I’ve meaning to talk to gravity about my hairline. Speaking of hairlines, I think we need a whole post dedicated to the mullet man.

    Comment by Thomas Stazyk | July 8, 2010 | Reply

    • That is a discussion that I’m saving for time/aging, and I do have a lot to get off of my chest.

      You can have Mullet Man. Literally!

      Thanks Thomas!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 8, 2010 | Reply

  10. You gave me a thought to take stock of my score:-
    1. Karen V Desserts…Winner=Desserts…evidenced by scales
    2. Karen V Gravity …Winner=Gravity…evidenced by mirror
    3. Karen V Control/Alt/Delete…Winner=Control/Alt/Delete…evidenced by total lack of porn (way too timid)
    4. Karen V Karma…Winner=Karma…evidenced by my eternal wait for the one who ripped me off and sullied my soul to get a come-uppance!
    5. Karen V Exclamation mark…Winner=!…evidenced by above
    6. Karen V Cigarettes…Winner=Karen…evidenced by weight gain, losing my mind and then, three years on, being able to believe for real that I won.
    So there you have it. While it may seem that I am a loser – with a score of 1 to 5, my win is a big one. I’d be a little bit happier with 2 to 4 so if Karma would just come up with the goods, I would be a ‘happy little vegemite’ (it’s an Aussie expression).
    ps. My heart did a little fluttery panic over the ‘last post’ sentence. Even though I am only a newby, I wondered how you could do this to me when I am sitting here making myself late for work reading your post. You are forgiven for your cruel trickery, saved by your ability to make me smile.

    Comment by Karen lee Thompson | July 8, 2010 | Reply

    • A woman who is willing to wait for eternity for revenge on the person who ripped you off is my kind of woman. I am half Italian after all.

      Your math equations were fantastic, I could see you doing a whole post of them. What did it for me with the smoking was Allan Carr’s Easyway To Stop Smoking. It worked like a counter brainwashing and I knew I was done right off the bat.

      I am flattered that I made your heart do a flutter. I didn’t think I still had that kind of effect on women anymore. You don’t have a casa in Tuscany do you? Seriously, do you? Because I can tell my wife it’s over right now…

      Thanks Karen!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 8, 2010 | Reply

  11. It’s really sad, but I think your begging for comments.
    Okay, you’ll get one from me but only because I’m so fucking jealous of you going to Italy, even if it is only for a few days. My cousin, who I am secretly totally in love with (we are Sicilian you know)is also over there in Sorrento for a whole month while staying in a villa with people who are teaching her Italian. I on the other hand have to wait till next August when I do in fact have the opportunity to go to Sicily with that loverly first cousin and my mother.
    So have a good time, while I can only dream and wait for my next opportunity to visit my most favorite country that I ever have visited before!

    Comment by Micky-T | July 8, 2010 | Reply

    • I never beg Mic, I make the comment beg me to take it. Holy shit it’s like the Godfather, the horrible Godfather, the number 3….agh! I’m half Italian but I never loved any of my cousins. I never really even liked them but that’s another story.

      I will have a good time, as good of a time as I can have in 5 days, on a limited budget, and with my current, non-rich wife.

      Thanks Micky!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 9, 2010 | Reply

  12. Daisyfae and I were in Spain 4 years ago when they won the Eurocup. You can see her post about it here

    http://daisyfae.wordpress.com/2008/07/01/viva-espana/

    PS: Scott, I’m actually a fan of gravity affected testicles. I like it when they hang down a bit

    Comment by nursemyra | July 8, 2010 | Reply

    • Thanks for the link. I should have known that you three would enjoy it. You should have dove in the fountain….no, I guess not.

      I wish that I’d taken video even here Wednesday night. The atmosphere was phenomenal!

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 9, 2010 | Reply

      • you’re going to have a blast! don’t swim in the fountains… there be barf in there!

        Comment by daisyfae | July 9, 2010 | Reply

        • No, no I wasn’t planning to swim in them anyway. Only bathe…

          Thanks Daisyfae!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 9, 2010 | Reply

  13. I love these letters posts! I think, if I ever get published, I am going to ask them to put “James Patterson” on the cover. You know, so my book will sell.

    Comment by Megan @Momlarky | July 8, 2010 | Reply

    • It’s one hell of a way to ‘get your name out there.’ The only problem is that you are pretty much financially, mentally and emotionally raped. JP is a rapist at the cellular level.

      Thanks Megan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 9, 2010 | Reply

  14. Awesomely posted, Ogler. I’m really enjoying the letters addressed to inanimate objects and especially punctuation marks. I hope you do get stuck into that book writing business, because I’m placing a tiny bet that it will read very like a Tom Robbinsish affair of high falutin jolly good humorous fun. Viva l’espagna and enjoy the holiday.

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | July 9, 2010 | Reply

    • I enjoy them as well, sinse it doesn’t require too much research or thinking. I’d love to get stuck in that business. I’d just literally need a man with a whip or maybe meth to make me actually do it.

      Have you ever read Tim Dorsey?

      Thanks Mitzi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 9, 2010 | Reply

      • Looks like fun, will add Dorsey to the pile.

        Comment by Mitzi G Burger | July 9, 2010 | Reply

        • You’ll love him. I actually drank with him two times… long story.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 9, 2010 | Reply

  15. Are you a big Lindsay Lohan fan?

    Comment by gazingatnavels | July 9, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m a fan of her attractiveness. No, but I can relate to what she’s going through in a major way. And it sucks.

      Thanks Gazingatnavels!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 9, 2010 | Reply

  16. Dear Spanish Desserts- I’ve never met you, but if you’re related in any way to Canadian, American or Mexican Desserts, then sadly I’m your bitch.

    Dear Exclamation Points- I’ve always wondered…does it bother you when Mexicans put you upside down and at the beginning of sentences?

    Dear { and }- Yeah…wtf are you guys, anyway?

    Dear Lindsay- Don’t worry, I totally believe that the “fuck you” printed on your nail was nothing more than a weird coincidence.

    Dear People Who Use the Internet Primarily to Bully Others Because They are Fucking Cowards, or Maybe Just Evil, in Real Life- What Scott said.

    Dear Attention Span- Where you been? I haven’t seen you in ag…oh look! A rock!

    Dear angry, drunken, retarded boy wielding a sledgehammer- I hope you have a great trip, you will definitely be missed.

    Comment by bschooled | July 9, 2010 | Reply

    • Spanish Desserts are Canadian, American and Mexican dessert’s fatter, sugary-er, lunatic cousin that demands attention with every coffee, tea or conversation lull. And it makes me walk around the yard holding it’s inside out pocket (that’s a prison reference. In case you were never in prison. Or saw a show about people in prison). It just means that I am it’s bitch also.

      I’m glad that you seem to agree with most of my well laid out opinions and angries B. I think that is the most important role of a dobbleganger/soul-sista from another mista/cell mate/friendy person. Love and Support Baby! –I have no idea why I capitalized that, do you?

      I appreciate the good vibes for the trip and the ‘will be missed’ part but did you just call me an angry, drunken, retarded boy wielding a sledgehammer? How fucking cool is that!

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 9, 2010 | Reply

  17. Hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I bet Donatella would like a nice American man like you to be her plaything. If she’s in Tuscany, there’s your chance!!! I’m sure when you explain things, your wife will understand and be cool.

    I hope you don’t have mean people coming to your blog. I only have one and I haven’t seen him in awhile.

    I don’t think I’ve ever read James Patterson. Maybe I’m missing something, and from his pic he has that “I am THE WRITER, bitches!” look so that has to mean something.

    I hope Lindsey gets help, though she is a nasty lil….I mean WTF w/ that lil….and her fingernail. Too bad the judge didn’t see.

    I’ll miss you being around, but am glad you get to go for sure. Y’all have a good time and be safe.

    Comment by Lisa | July 9, 2010 | Reply

    • I think that Donatella would prefer my wife and I would prefer that. Then I can just chill by the pool and hang out while my wife has to get her hands dirty. I just threw up outside my mouth a lot.

      If you have a mean person Lisa, then just block him. It is your blog after all. Don’t allow anyone to make you feel shity. Mean people already have ‘what’s coming to them.’ They have to somehow pretend to be normal while living with the soul of maggot.

      What Lindsey did was nothing; I once tattooed Fuck The Police on my forehead in invisible ink. I was going to get it removed but was afraid it would show up. -if you think about that too long your brain will melt.

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 9, 2010 | Reply

      • I always send him to spam, but he has proxy servers so he can cheat on a game, no lie, but I think he gave up bothering me. I had to take down the “My Mom Wants him to Drop Dead” and the if I had a thousand dollars posts even though I didn’t mention his name or identifying characteristics, but it was worth it to get him to stop bothering me. You might guess my mom doesn’t wish people ill-will willy nilly, she’s generally a benign soul, and she told me later she didn’t really want him to croak which made me feel better.

        PS, you are so gangsta! Thug life Tupac-Lindsey-in-the-clink-gangsta. Word
        !

        Comment by Lisa | July 9, 2010 | Reply

        • Oh man, I wish I would have read those. I love that kiind of thing. Especially when people deserve it and it sounds like he did.

          I am gangtsa to the core Lisa, they can’t move me.

          Thanks Lisa!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 9, 2010 | Reply

      • PS, you are so gangsta! Thug life Tupac-Lindsey-in-the-clink-gangsta. Word!

        Comment by Lisa | July 9, 2010 | Reply

  18. Alas, no casa. My friends are traipsing around Italy at the moment, sending me envy-invoking descriptions of a serenading guitarist and a candle-lit dining episode in Positano that sounded a little boastful (but I shouldn’t say that: someone might think I am jealous). They have moved on to Rome and now they are killing me with in-depth descriptions of the art and architecture. So, should you stumble upon a couple of short Italian-looking Aussies, tanked to the eyeballs on sweet wine and scotch respectively, be gentle with them won’t you?

    Comment by Karen lee Thompson | July 9, 2010 | Reply

    • And I am so retarded (or is that blinded by rage and jealousy) that I put my comment in the wrong place.

      Comment by Karen lee Thompson | July 9, 2010 | Reply

      • It ended up in the perfect place. It matches the backround perfectly.

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 9, 2010 | Reply

    • Shit Karen, I’m jealous of them myself. I only get 5 short days there and that is not nearly enough time. I happened to see super cheap tix online for only 35 euro and decided that this would be my summer vaca. I think you need at least three weeks to even get the feel of a city.

      And Rome is the Shiznit, I just didn’t have the time. I’ll be the perfect gentlemen with your friends Karen, pinkie swear!

      Thanks Karen!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 9, 2010 | Reply

  19. I’m looking forward to some Short (not necessarily) Angry Postcards from Italy. Like, Dear Gold Chain and Boat Shaped Leather Shoe, why must you be worn so conspicuously? And Dear Slim Line Pizza, why must you be so hard to perfectly replicate outside the confines of the Motherland? And Dear Espresso, you delicious ass creamy God of a coffee, you complete me.

    Enjoy!!!

    Comment by RubyTwoShoes | July 9, 2010 | Reply

    • No, no they will be quite happy letters to Italy I’m hoping. God I can’t wait to eat!!!!

      I haven’t had good Italian since I left the US. I can’t get the ingredients here and don’t even have a proper oven…

      You know I’ll be pounding the espresso; I’ll have one for you!

      Thanks Ruby!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 9, 2010 | Reply

  20. Dear { and }-…Now that’s just fucking funny. Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | July 9, 2010 | Reply

    • I take it you don’t know what they are either then?

      Thanks Matt!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 9, 2010 | Reply

  21. Dear Comment…Thanks for letting Scott know that I am here and that I care. Thanks for showing up every now and then and for making Scott and I laugh occasionally.

    And comment,why are you sometimes a fickle bitch? Get on that shit and be more consistent, OK?

    PS.Frick will be in Italy on Wednesday. Keep and eye on her for me, will ya?

    Comment by Candy | July 9, 2010 | Reply

    • Yea Candy we both need to get on comment’s ass to get her to quit being a fickle bitch. Thanks for all the well wishes too. I’ll look out for Frick, if she looks anything like you she’ll be hard to miss! I’ll keep the locals a safe distance and all…

      Thanks Candy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 9, 2010 | Reply

  22. Pure brilliance, bro, pure.

    Say, while your there in Spain, could you send me a bowl of Caldo de Siete Mares? I ain’t had a good bowl since Loreto’s in Tijuana. Also some of that piella stuff. And if that rich eyetalian heiress rejects you, give her my emaill addy, as I’m open for employment as a rich sex slave.

    Also, I’m afraid gravity has already attacked my jewels, which are at this moment dragging the carpet. Isn’t information a wonderful thing?

    Comment by jammer5 | July 9, 2010 | Reply

    • Sure Jammer, I’d be happy to send you a bowl of…. hot…seven…horse..? Sorry, my Spanish sucks. Anyway I’d be happy to send you some. Will you please send me some Jif, Cinnamon Life, Manicotti, a microwave, a wok, some Vics, some Percs….

      TMI is always TMI, always.

      Thanks Jammer

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 9, 2010 | Reply

      • Consider it done. And keep the horse; someone left one’s head next to me last night, so I won’t be needing it.

        Comment by jammer5 | July 9, 2010 | Reply

        • Ohh, I hope you put his nephew in the movie?

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 10, 2010 | Reply

          • I think I accidentally ran over him somewhere south of Jersey, hence the horse head. Sadly, he didn’t photo well, so we had to dump him.

            Comment by jammer5 | July 12, 2010 | Reply

  23. I think only computer programmers and typesetters even know that there are keys on the keyboard for the curly brackets, which I’m pretty sure is their official name. Oh, and you’re right about that bastard gravity, too.

    Comment by Chris | July 9, 2010 | Reply

    • Oh really? Thanks. I know that I use those brackety things to organize lists into subsets but I did not know what they were for on the keyboard.

      Thanks Chris!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 9, 2010 | Reply

  24. I saw James Patterson interviewed on a morning telly show when he co-wrote that non-fiction book about the medical field or what ever slop it was about.

    He said, “I helped so-and-so write his book so it will be a best seller like all my other books.” or words to that effect. What a self-centered bas**rd!

    Comment by S. Le | July 9, 2010 | Reply

    • He is a first class asshat. I tried my best to disparage him on the post that I linked to. I’ll admit that I have read a few of his books. They are at a second grade reading level.

      Thanks S. Le!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 9, 2010 | Reply

  25. “Take Beano Before, And There Will BE NO gas.”

    Comment by Heff | July 9, 2010 | Reply

    • I’ll have to give that a shot. I wonder if I can score it in Italy?

      Thanks Heff!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 9, 2010 | Reply

  26. Well, I stopped in to pay some belated best wishes (and laugh at your writing, because it’s funny not because it’s weirdly-spaced and distractingly illustrated… especially the guy I keep scrolling back to and wondering how a lifetime of mediocre-to-bad decisions results in that haircut being a “keeper) just so that you’ll think of me when you’re a wealthy (read: mobbed-up) Tuscan raider.

    I see that you’re off to enjoy the strangest of sports: football. (Or as we in America call it, “not football.”) My blog partner, RF, would be there if he could. He loves the stuff. 1-0 games settled in the 83rd minute and all that.

    Personally, I like more contact in my sports and a longer rap sheet in my players. Hence, I like football. (Or as they call it everywhere else in the world, “not football.”) But we’ll agree to disagree, mainly because you and RF and most of the population of the world are wrong.

    We can still be friends (and share in your Tuscany wealth) because you are a very entertaining writer and you obsessively comment on my blog, which makes me feel much, much better about what I do, no matter how infrequently I actually do it.

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | July 9, 2010 | Reply

    • Aww I very much appreciate your belated best wishes and laugh at your hilarious, though oddly worded comment. I also wanted to fill you in on those bad to mediocre decisions (not all made by him either) that made that horrendous haircut his go-to coif…

      Prenatal Care: Mother- Should I quit doing meth while I’m pregnant? = NO.
      2 years old: Mother- I’m out of prison. WV or Anywhere else in the world? =WV!
      13 years old: Mullet Man- Should I drop out of school now? = YES!
      17 years old: Mullet Man- Buy a poster of NASCARS CHICKS or Billy R. Cyrus? = BRC!
      17 years old: Mullet Man gets high huffing lighter fluid with Jesco White, goes to the barber shop/meth lab… “and now you know…. the rest of the story.”

      I’ve always had a love of futball (everybody’s right; like in the slow class) thanks to my dad who came to the states from Italy (read: he’d probably just killed a mafia prince or maybe shot a cop or something) when he was but a boy. So I inherited his love for ‘the beautiful game’ but not the skill. Soccer (we can call it that, since the US likes it now) was one of the two sports (the other is hockey, or skating with fucking razor blades and pointy sticks sport, as I call it) that I never had any natural talent in.

      Thanks for the heady, witty comment CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 10, 2010 | Reply

  27. I think my attention span and your attention span ran off togeth–OMG a Mullet!

    Comment by Miranda | July 9, 2010 | Reply

    • I wonder if they eloped? Nah, they’re too busy noticing shiny surfaces, and getting spooked by bangy things and whatnot.

      Thanks Miranda!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 10, 2010 | Reply

  28. Godfather 3 sucked the sweatiest of balls…and as for the dude with the mullet—stone away my friend…or fire cannonballs if you have the means to do so…

    Comment by Ron-Yves Strouteau | July 10, 2010 | Reply

    • Yes, yes it did. I had such high hopes as well. There was a gang war in my hometown at the theaters in Pittsburgh when that came out on Christmas day. For that? I could see Goodfellas or Boyz N Da Hood but not that.

      Thanks Ron!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 10, 2010 | Reply

  29. All I can say is I’m jealous you are going to Italy……that means you can have some of the most AWESOME ICE CREAM in the world….Yes….I’m talking Gelato. Enjoy!

    p.s. If you feel the need to purchase a gift for me….a nice classic shoulder “leather” purse would be nice….nothing gaudy and in a light brown or beige color, and medium size. I’m just mentioning this because….well Italy IS known for its leather goods. Thanks! LOL!

    Ciao!

    Comment by trishothinks | July 10, 2010 | Reply

    • My God Trish, they have the best everything. It’s been two years since I’ve had any good Italian, now I’ll be like a kid in an Italian market! I actually plan to come back 10 pounds heavier.

      Italy is also known for their fine jewelry, high fashion, beautiful people, and sports cars. I’m going to need you to make me a list.

      Thanks Trish!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 10, 2010 | Reply

      • Well gee Scott, if you if you put it that way…..I’ll take some nice Italian gold earrings too! Oh, and maybe a cute Italian boy toy….lol!

        Comment by trishothinks | July 10, 2010 | Reply

        • I’m already yours Trish, you had me at Well gee…

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 19, 2010 | Reply

  30. Stay safe Scott and watch out for any wayward bulls 😦 Looking forward to your war stories involving Spanish fans, vuvuzelas and your nervous itch.

    Comment by frigginloon | July 10, 2010 | Reply

    • Smart decision considering that I hate crowds huh? Malaga will be fun, especially if they win. But Italy… is my bliss!

      Thanks Loon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 10, 2010 | Reply

  31. Fact is gravity is coming for your balls. But at least you get to drag them around Europe rather than say Akron or Boise. Have fun and be awesome.

    Comment by Fundamental Jelly | July 10, 2010 | Reply

    • Don’t I know it. If I had to drag my balls around Akron or Boise FJ, I think I’d just hang it up.

      Thanks FJ, you’re awesome yourself!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 19, 2010 | Reply

  32. WAIT! seductive deliciousnes? damn…got a smoke? for a moment there i thought you had transformed into a porn blog. scott, you do have a way with words!

    Comment by Lynn | July 11, 2010 | Reply

    • Depends what you wanna smoke…

      I was thinking about going the porn blog route, I heard you could make a killing with Google ads.

      Thanks Lynn!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 19, 2010 | Reply

  33. you are already on your way to the game
    soccer? really?
    come to NJ this fall and we’ll go see real football
    now I’m being a hater, sorry

    have a great trip babe

    Comment by dianne | July 11, 2010 | Reply

    • American football will always be my first love but my dad was Italian so (WC) futball is a close second.

      It was fantastic!

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 19, 2010 | Reply

  34. Living vicariously through Scottsworld and enjoying every minute of it!

    Desserts — they can’t “come back” because they never (really) leave

    Gravity — the ultimate surrender: six feet under

    Godfather franchise — ditto on Andy Garcia

    Exclamation points — not used nearly enough. Here is what Mel Gibson really said:

    “You look like a f!u!c!k!i!n!g pig in heat, and if you get r!a!p!e!d by a pack of n!!!!!!!rs, it will be your (f!!!!king) fault!”

    For a guy with a wondering attention span, you do astonishingly well, Scott. Never a dull moment. Looking forward to hearing about your escapades in Italy!

    Comment by elizabeth3hersh | July 11, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m glad you enjoy every minute of it Elizabeth, I try to do that myself.

      You nailed them all but Gravity was the real mother fucker of the bunch. That right there is a literal force of nature.

      And Mel is such a dick, huh?

      Thanks Elizabeth!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 19, 2010 | Reply

  35. Congrats Scott! On the whole el futbol thing. Goallllllllllllllll!
    Buenas noches y rico suave

    Comment by Lisa | July 12, 2010 | Reply

    • It was fantastic Lisa, I’m going to put up a video soon…

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 19, 2010 | Reply

  36. ok…
    1. its Panaderia…not Panderia haha.
    2. isnt it Lindsay not lindsey?
    3. the smell of panaderias..mmmm so goooooddd
    4. Gravity – lmao loved that one it was hilarious
    5. i love exclamation points! there! and here! and over there! yay!!! 😀 😀

    Comment by Susi Spice | July 12, 2010 | Reply

    • It’s panderia here Susi. Don’t know why though.
      You got me on Lindsay. She lets me call her what I want to…afterwards though.
      I didn’t even start picking on your emoticons yet. And I have nefarious plans for those bastards….HA!

      Thanks Susi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 19, 2010 | Reply

  37. congrats for beating smoking btw.

    Comment by Lynn | July 12, 2010 | Reply

  38. Hope you survived Soccer. I just noticed you will be gone 10 days.

    Comment by starlaschat | July 14, 2010 | Reply

  39. *wishing i were in italy today* 😦

    Comment by Lynn | July 19, 2010 | Reply

  40. Hilarious post! I’m not sure which I liked better: the examples of exclamation points or the short and to the point letter to cigarettes.

    Comment by thoughtsappear | July 23, 2010 | Reply

    • I glean enormous satisfaction from being able to tell cigarettes to fuck off. I couldn’t believe how easy it was to quit!

      Thanks Thoughtsappear!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | July 24, 2010 | Reply


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