Zodi’s Blog

Social Awkwardity

If you’ve somehow missed my other awkward posts then you can read them here, here, and here Now, lets get down with the awkward….

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OH MY GOD I HATE YOU SO MUCH! I just don’t know why.

The Unjustifiable Hate– I’m weird because I feel bad about hating people when they have never given me a reason to hate them. So instead of snarling at them when they approach, I smile and try to hide my murdery hatred. The problem with this approach is that the person does not know that I hate them and instead rushes over to chat when they see me on the street.

They’ll be saying something like, “So then I rushed back into the exploding orphanage and even though I was chronically paralyzed from the eyebrows down I wrote a book about winning the Nobel Peace Prize in quantum Christianity after I got my doctorate in exceptional human beingness from the University of Awesomeville. Would you like me to give you copious amounts of money?”

But all I hear is, “So then I rushed…look at the shape of my head, it’s large and lumpy and almost boxlike in dimension…I was chronically paralyzed… you should throw a brick at my forhead, I’ll bet it would bounce… I wrote a book… my accent makes me sound like I got slapped in the face with a learning disability…Nobel Peace Prize… I’m gesturing effusively for the sole purpose of annoying you until you stab me in the trachea with a shovel…quantum Christianity… hey, hey, hey, you should drop kick me in my gout…give you copious amounts …fuck you…of money.. wait what?”

So I’m forced to stand there smiling painfully while being racked with guilt because I have no reason to hate this wonderful, exceptional human being but I just DOOO.

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This is me. Pretty much all the time.

The Walking Partner– I can’t stand when I am walking down a street or a path and it intersects another street or path and some stranger is walking at the exact same pace and going in the same direction. Because then we’re both stuck walking side by side and feeling stupid. There is nobody else within a 400 mile radius yet here we march together. The rest of the world could be in a nuclear winter and here we are practically holding hands in a death trot into the depths of hell itself.

I’ll usually try to put a quick, painless end to the awkward by stopping to pretend tie my shoe. If at this point the stranger also stops and tries to start a conversation I’ll run as fast as I can in the other direction screaming, “Raper, raper.” 

Another similar situation often occurs where someone is in front of me and walking at a slower pace. I know that there will be the expectation of a hi/head-nod/wave but I’m always unsure of when to initiate the interaction. If I go for it too soon I run the risk of them not seeing me and I’ll be forced to look again and again until they think that I’m going to steal their iPod and/or rape them. If I wait too long and have to look back after I’ve already passed them then I will appear nervous for my own iPod and anal virginity. If I dare to pass without the hi/head-nod/wave then I risk looking like a dick and that is simply unbearable to me.

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One for the ladies.

The Hot, Stuck Testicle– Ladies, allow me to explain before we proceed. The male form is cursed in form and function in having to hang 3 dangly, hot bits of flesh which are all fighting for breathing room in what is often a cramped space. Sometimes the battle of the bulge becomes quite heated and tangley. When this happens, and it happens often, we are forced to stop what we are doing, break up the boys, and send the fighters back to their respective corners. 

In the company of casual male friends this bastion of awkwardity is effortlessly and overtly corrected with a simple, remedial shifting. However, in the company of strangers or even worse, casual acquaintances that you secretly hate… especially when one of them is trying to tell you about saving orphans and chronic paralysis then the situation can become Zombie-Ebola-Outbreak-Serious in a hurry.

Assuming that the gentleman has had the foresight to wear loose fitting slacks, the shifting can be done by a technique commonly referred to as pocket pool. Jeans, small pocketed pants or a serious tangle however, may require a more intensive intervention.

The burning, flaming, itchy heat can become so overwhelming at times that if an acceptable escape cannot be made, then one (that’s me) has no other recourse but to perform a public adjustment.

If the situation has indeed become dire enough then I will have no other alternative but to turn my back to the conversation, jam my hand down my pants, and take matters into my own hands before turning back to the conversation and smiling and nodding about Nobel Prizes and quantum Christianity while fantasizing about drop kicking some gout.

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August 11, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , ,

124 Comments »

  1. lol
    i had a “i hate all humans..i wish everyone else was dead” day haha

    i kept saying to people…modern medicine and technology have allowed stupidity to proliferate in society.

    Comment by Susi Spice | August 11, 2010 | Reply

    • Mama said they’d be days like this. I have them all the time. Thank God I don’t have to interact with too many people or I’d probably go all Dahmer.

      I blame the lawsuits and warning labels. If people want to eat rat poison then let em.

      Thanks Susi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 11, 2010 | Reply

  2. All of my unjustifiable hates have turned out to deserve it in the long run. That is just a gut instinct telling you that not all is at it seems.

    Comment by Reb | August 11, 2010 | Reply

    • I think that is exactly what it is; gut instinct, great call! I knew with Stephen the first time I saw him and look at him now.

      Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 11, 2010 | Reply

  3. Is that what is known as smuggling grapes?

    Comment by Bearman | August 11, 2010 | Reply

    • Yes, yes it is. It’s also known as diamond mining in some part of the world.

      Thanks Bearman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 11, 2010 | Reply

      • Well as long as it isn’t digging for gold nuggets b/c that would have another meaning and the hand would be in the back.

        Comment by Bearman | August 15, 2010 | Reply

        • Wait, you can get gold out of there? Holy shit I’m going to be so rich!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 16, 2010 | Reply

  4. I’d love to meet you, but a hand shake might be out of the question. LOL.

    Comment by Evil Twin's Wife | August 11, 2010 | Reply

    • You have to remember that I also get all OCD-y so chances are better that I’ve just washed my hands than that I’ve just shoved them down my pants.

      Thanks ETW!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 11, 2010 | Reply

  5. Now THAT explains so much about the guys and hands in pockets / down pants fiddling. Interesting to know why women don’t do the same – I know we don’t have 3 dangly bits, but things can get uncomfortable too at times. Thanks S.

    Re the hating people – I think some people just have a slapable face – one that says “please slap me”. So I can just imagine being tortured by them jabbering on when all I’d want to do is slap them.

    Comment by The Late Stork | August 11, 2010 | Reply

    • That doesn’t explain it all though. Guys also like to try and stay ‘chubbed up’ in the event that they suddenly get de-panted. I think it’s a leftover issue from jr high.

      Or a brickable face, I guess for me. In my opinion Glenn Beck (and I don’t care what politics are involved) is the epitome of such a face.

      Thanks TLS!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 11, 2010 | Reply

  6. When I used to run, usually from something or other, I always carried a sharp stick with me. Whenever I came across a really slow runner, I’d stick the stick up his/her ass, steal his/her purse/wallet, and be on my merry way. But that was way back, when things like that were expected of young, broke men. Now people get really pissed off, so I just go to the movies instead.

    As for the stuck testes, try dropping the drawers, and doing an open air assemblage; the testes will love you for it, and women will either swoon (Ain’t heard that word in ages), or call the cops. Make sure, though, there are no cats around.

    Damn, bro, I love reading your posts 🙂

    Comment by jammer5 | August 11, 2010 | Reply

    • Wow Jammer you really are an Original Gangster. Like from the way, way back. A sharp stick is bad to the bone my brother. I usually used a gun but I was usually robbing a liquor store or a bank so I needed the advanced weaponry, and also heroin, which is probably why I was robbing liquor stores and banks to begin with.

      All I’ve ever worn were boxer shorts; I hate everything about tighty whities. It’s starting to become more of an issue now though that the boys are more curious about what’s going on below them.

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 11, 2010 | Reply

      • One should always use a personal touch when robbing someone. They are, after all, people . . . whatever the fuck that means.

        Comment by jammer5 | August 12, 2010 | Reply

        • No, no I totally agree. That’s why I always sent them a thank you card.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 12, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m a swooner 😉

      Comment by nursemyra | August 12, 2010 | Reply

  7. I’ve recently gone through a LOT of adjusting, sitting next to complete strangers, during 4 plane flights. About the best you can do in this situation is pull down your pant legs and let the boys fight for position of the minuscule space you gave them.

    Comment by Micky-T | August 11, 2010 | Reply

    • Long plane rides are the worst. The only thing I can do is take a couple Xanex and hope I just pass out instead of going into a weird, ball scratching fugue state. Heathrow to Newark is a bitch in a fugue state.

      Thanks Micky!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 11, 2010 | Reply

  8. Nobel Peace Prize in quantum Christianity!! another prize Scott

    I totally empathize with the scrotum saga
    I have ample bosoms and I am a mature woman
    oh hell – I have big tits and I’m getting old
    the girls hate the underwire and are constantly moving around in there trying to get out and wave at everyone

    It’s not so bad when wearing a coat or something but in the summer under a tee it’s really hard to adjust them and calm them down without being noticed

    I tell people I’m touching my nipple ring for Jesus

    Comment by dianne | August 11, 2010 | Reply

    • “touching my nipple ring for Jesus”
      I love you for that!

      Comment by Amy | August 11, 2010 | Reply

      • I love you too Amy!! thanks

        Comment by dianne | August 12, 2010 | Reply

        • How long before we get a naked pillow fight?

          Jesus wants to know, I mean.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 12, 2010 | Reply

    • Yes I’d imagine that the bra scrunch would be even more painful and awkward than boxer-short tangle. Underwire anything just sounds like torture to me.

      Why not just let the dogs bark?

      And I’m stealing that line, but I’ll make it a cock ring for Mohammad!

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 11, 2010 | Reply

      • if I let the dogs bark my back goes out
        it’s such a hardship being such a beauty queen

        I think we may have fallen into a new business idea!!
        nipple rings for Jesus
        cock rings for Mohammad
        we could have a whole line Scott!!

        Comment by dianne | August 12, 2010 | Reply

        • Oh the suffering you go through to be the beauty queen. You certainly deserve a reward….here, have an opiate! Haha just kidding, but I’ll take one.

          This sounds like a perfect business model to me. We have to figure out what to do with my fav Buddha though. He deserves something…classy!

          Thanks Dianne!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 12, 2010 | Reply

          • Ben Wa Balls for Buddha?

            Comment by dianne | August 12, 2010 | Reply

  9. Scott, I love that from your photo you look like a cool, confident, perpetualy shirt-less guy, who always has a breeze to casually blow through his hair, but in real life you are a quivering puddle of nurosis and awkwardness who just wants people to not think he’s a dick.
    I work with a perfectly nice lady who I want to strangle on a daily basis. She would probably smile and apologize while I’m doing it which would make me hate her even more.
    And, “quantum Christianity” is pure genius!

    Comment by Amy | August 11, 2010 | Reply

    • Every one of those things that you just said, good and bad (except the perpetually shirtless part) are completely true. It just all depends on my mood and company/circumstances. I’d be a physiatrist’s wet dream. Well, if she were horny and attracted to confident, breezy haired neurosis’ puddles. And had gone a long time without sex or were on prescription drugs that would make her prone to erotic dreams.

      Oh yea, people who you hate for no reason also annoy the shit out of you for no reason when they are polite for no reason.

      Thanks Amy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 11, 2010 | Reply

  10. I will have no other alternative but to turn my back to the conversation, jam my hand down my pants, and take matters into my own hands

    As long as you don’t smell your hand afterward, I promise not to be offended, ’cause that would be awkward …

    Comment by Dana | August 11, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m pleasantly surprised that you wouldn’t be offended if you saw me do that the first time we met. I seriously can’t wait to meet you!

      Of course I wouldn’t smell it afterward; I’d simply grab some finger food and mingle.

      Glad you stopped by and I hope to see you again Dana.

      Thanks Dana!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 11, 2010 | Reply

  11. Scott, your account of the hot, stuck goolie is probably one of the best posts this year, in my opinion.

    gg

    Comment by gallowaygrave | August 11, 2010 | Reply

    • Well thanks for the compliment GG. And thanks for the new word. I love goolie!

      Thanks GG!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 11, 2010 | Reply

  12. Damn, Scott. Here in New England we never wave or say hi or anything to any stranger. Whatever you do, don’t make eye contact. I remember this transfer student from N.C. who fled back home after one month, claiming that the students at the University of Rhode Island – and New Englanders in general – were the coldest, snobbiest people on earth. She was crossing the quad like Crocodile Dundee in NYC, saying hi to every single person. What a fucking fuckhead. I should’ve slapped her silly for being such an idiot. It’s not snobbery, it’s reserving the right to judge a person after lots of exposure, to see if they’re halfway to normal. She was a wacko and proved it. Small towns can be much different, after living there for a hundred years or so. Good system! If someone smiles and waves, cover your wallet and reach for a fast gun. Gotta relocate your nuts? Have at it and fuck ’em. That will automatically cancel out possible friendship, and who needs friendship when pets are free? There. Now where’s that damn coffee? Huh? Huh? Huh? WHERE IS THE GODDAMN COFFEE!!!

    Comment by Dan McGinley | August 11, 2010 | Reply

    • Awww, we’re just nice folks, not fuckheads. Well I would say hi to everyone but I’m shy. If people didn’t reply back, they’re northern asshats, since Miss NC was trying to be nice. Fiddle-dee-dee!

      Comment by Lisa | August 12, 2010 | Reply

      • There are a little of both from everywhere I think.

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 12, 2010 | Reply

        • true dat, scott. You’re a funny fucker, but definitely not an asshat, of northern extraction or no….unless you want to be an asshat, then I would support you in your decision. Southerners are asshats too.

          Comment by Lisa | August 14, 2010 | Reply

          • A funny fucker but not an asshat. I’ll take it.

            Thanks Lisa!

            Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 14, 2010 | Reply

      • Yes . . . after coming down from the coffee it does seem very mean and nasty and be honest, I said hello to four people yesterday, with a nod and a little smile. They looked nervous and angry about it, but that’s okay. I was totally fake and insincere. Just kidding, Lisa. I’m usually very nice and just wrote that as kind of a joke, like the way little Carla was on “Cheers”. I actually felt really bad for that student, and I spent some incredible nights in N.C. in the mid-nineties, with the most congenial people in the world. Right in the good old Smokey Mountains, around Cherokee. That was N.C., right? Not S.C.? Ahem.

        Comment by Dan McGinley | August 13, 2010 | Reply

        • Don’t worry Dan we all know what you meant. And how you can get on the coffee. I get the same way. Coffee, crack, meth…it’s all pretty much the same to our brains.

          You, me and Serge. And Coleman!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 13, 2010 | Reply

        • NC! My family alll live up in the mountains except us, who live on the coast in Wilmington. Yep I knew what you meant, I was just messing with you 🙂

          Comment by Lisa | August 14, 2010 | Reply

    • It sounds like someone is Serge-ing on the Storms again. And a lot of very, very black coffee. Or maybe it’s ADHD medicine mixed with very pure cocaine… disco shit. I love when you get like this; and I feel bad for the scumbags up around the wooded are where you kill scumbags and live.

      Pittsburgh was hot and cold with the hi/nod to strangers, it all depended on the social situation. On the city streets, not unless you happen to know them or would like to sleep with them, but Steeler tailgate parties in parking lots all over the city everyone is soul mates.

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 12, 2010 | Reply

  13. The slow guy walking in front of you: carry some fake iPods at all times. Throw one ahead of him, into the traffic. He’s going to stop for sure, at which point you zip past him Bonus: you might get to see a cool accident.

    Comment by Cooper Green | August 11, 2010 | Reply

    • That’s not a bad idea at all Cooper but I can’t help but wonder if you are getting ipods cheaper than me.

      If anything falls off the truck, let me know! I promise to manslaughter a bunch of people.

      Thanks Cooper!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 12, 2010 | Reply

  14. The sweaty testicle: tell us about the trapped hair, Scott! The one that’s glued to your leg and threatens to rip your manhood off if you move one more inch! Tell us, Scott!!

    Comment by Cooper Green | August 11, 2010 | Reply

    • That is the worst situation ever. It hasn’t happened though since I cut off my pubic dreadlocks.

      This is why I trim in the shower once a week now.

      Thanks Cooper!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 12, 2010 | Reply

  15. Montana is a nice place not to have to walk neck and neck on the same side walk with a person. You can lock yourself easily into a compound for the Winter emerging some time in Spring. Ah the joy. The cool 1 finger wave, the first finger, says you have been born and raised here. Strange. I now have a new compassion for men and their “boys” in the sticky Summer heat, thank you for that.

    Comment by starlaschat | August 11, 2010 | Reply

    • Montana sounds like heaven. It’s a little bit like that here as well, which surprised me. When you’ve always lived in the city, you just don’t notice it because there are people everywhere. But when you live in a nuclear waste land like we do… you really notice it. I might have to try Montana though; I’d rather see more bears than people. Wait, no I wouldn’t.

      What town do you live in?

      Thanks Starlaschat!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 12, 2010 | Reply

    • Flathead Valley Montana, the cool thing about the area is that there are a lot of small town in a Valley. So if you get bored you can just visit another little town. There’s a huge lake too which it nice, and a nice mountain range. Type in Glacier Park that’s pretty spactacular, can you tell I’m pretty sold on the place. Winters can get a bit cold down to -30 or more. A bit rugged.

      Comment by starlaschat | August 12, 2010 | Reply

      • You had me sold on the beautiful scenery, the perfect solitude and the valley lakes. You had me ready to pack up and move to Montana. Until you said -30 degrees. First I laughed thinking you were joking. Then I googled it and found out the you were serious.

        And that you have fucking bears.

        I’m not coming now.

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 13, 2010 | Reply

  16. I totally, totally laughed my a$$ off.

    I bet you despise them b/c they’re full of themselves and are boring, plus you might be a bit shy, so you really don’t hate them after all? Some people just grate on my nerves so much and I know I shouldn’t feel that way, which makes me feel awful. You probably notice things other people don’t and it irks the sh out of you.

    It’s weird us ocd-ey people think alike sometimes. I say hi to people, all the while worrying people are thinking things. I’m worried if i look at someone they will think I am staring at them or plotting some nefarious plan against them, or that I will cross my eyes. I want people to not think badly of me or be hurt at me, or see me as gross,or weird,or mental, or…yeah you get it. There’s a part of me that wants to be a social butterfly like The Rodrigo, but I mainly like to stay to myself and not have to please anyone but my own weirdy self.
    Your fear of being seen as a dick just shows you are a kind soul and no doubt almost everyone likes you.
    I did not know about the male junk doing such as that. I had wondered if it moved when guys walked. I figured besides the occasional itch and having to make sure it doesn’t get kicked, having a dick would be pretty cool. The whole world is your latrine as long as no one sees. Just saying. You trying as a girl to piss in the wilds don’t work so well.
    Boy, that was some funny stuff. I’m always happy when I see you got a new post up.

    Comment by Lisa | August 11, 2010 | Reply

    • Full of themselves doesn’t bother me but boring does. I’m not shy at all but I do notice everything. So you are half right about it all. And I do tend to get annoyed easily and do not suffer fools lightly. And there are just so many fools.

      I think every human being on the planet has all the same thoughts and fears as you do. Everybody thinks that they are the one who is ‘weird,’ but the truth is that we are all unique and special and most people just want to fit in. I think if people stop trying to fit in, but would instead just be themselves the world would be a lot happier, funnier place. I probably wouldn’t even hate so many of them.

      I just figured it out… I hate unconscious, pre-conditioned idiots. I wouldn’t mind idiots so much if they would just stop trying to be what people expected them to be.

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 12, 2010 | Reply

  17. This is one of the funniest posts I’ve ever read in my life. I was dying laughing. I hope one day we’re walking partners and you yell “raper” at me. Too good.

    Comment by Vodka and Ground Beef | August 11, 2010 | Reply

    • Thanks for the compliment that means a lot coming from you. I’d love to be your walking partner; I might even break out the ‘raper whistle’ for you! Not at you but for you.

      Thanks V & GB!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 12, 2010 | Reply

  18. I hate, hate, hate the awkward walking side-by-side thing – can totally relate to that.

    I’ve got the “who-waves-first-running-laps-and-when-the-fuck-do-you-stop” thing. It goes like this: I’m running a two-mile lap around my ‘hood and someone else is running the same two miles in the opposite direction, so we are continuously meeting.

    The first time we either ignore each other or go with a REALLY BIG wave and smile. If we didn’t wave the first time, but bump into each other around the block, then we know we’re both running laps so now we DO wave and smile – we’re RUNNERS! Yay Us! But with each successive lap, the waves become less enthusiastic, and pretty soon it’s just a limp finger jiggle until someone gives up and goes home.

    I’ma have to be careful to *not* sniff my finger (or touch any food without a sterile utensil), after I’ve shaken a guy’s hand. Especially on a hot humid day – like, Homeless in Houston in August.

    Comment by Desert Rat | August 11, 2010 | Reply

    • Oh God the laps are the worst. Having to repeat an already awkward gesture is pure torture. After the second one I keep my head straight and my eyes ahead on the just out of reach, invisible morphine drip that serves as my motivation.

      People in Jeeps do the same thing and it drives me crazy. Or did when I had one. It got to the point where they’d tap their horn and wave and I’d lay on the horn and scream obscenity laced tirades in their general direction. But only if I were in a bad mood or hungover.

      I would think that sniffing your finger could become a very interesting hobby, especially during Homeless in Houston in August hot. – I don’t know what that means but I like it.

      Thanks Dessert Rat!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 12, 2010 | Reply

  19. damn that first picture is so scary to me. it’s true that i have an irrational hatred of teddy bears. (the ugly man i have no problem with) 😦

    Comment by Lynn | August 11, 2010 | Reply

    • I love the teddy bear, I hate that Baldwin brother.

      Thanks Lynn!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 12, 2010 | Reply

  20. Ha! Gooood shiz…

    The Walker – I’m glad you brought this issue up—it’s a very underrated social dilemma that most bipeds have to deal with. I have a different strategy—I tell the person right away that I just saw something fall out of their pocket…as they look around on the ground, I’m able to distance myself…

    The Stuck Junk – Given the name of our blog, it shouldn’t surprise you that this issue really hits home…When I was 18, I actually invented an apparatus to combat (‘prevent’ is a better word) this pasty issue when in an automobile—>> I made a small metal cover which fit directly over one of the air-vents in my Jetta—a small rubber hose (2 ft. long and an inch in diameter) was attached to the middle of the cover…this way, 100% of the vent’s airflow was capture and release out of the hose—which I would then stick up my shorts’ leg as I sat in traffic…

    We’re talkin’ 2,500 BTU’s of savage cooling force, piped directly into my danger-zone—H E A V E N…

    -s

    PS—Sadly enough, I’m not even joking—I really made that fuckin’ thing…and it really did work…

    Comment by Ron-Yves Strouteau | August 11, 2010 | Reply

    • Okay, the visual the hose conjures is absolutely priceless and the idea is friggin’ brilliant!

      Comment by Desert Rat | August 11, 2010 | Reply

    • Your walking partner strategy is great but it wouldn’t work here. This is too small of a town and they’d be on to me after the 2nd attempt. Surprisingly the ‘Raper, raper’ cries don’t seem to hit home like they should though.

      I agree with Dessert Rat that your invention is seriously brilliant. And I don’t usually throw that word around casually. I’m thinking that we should try and market your idea. Shit, we might even be able to bring OP shorts back with our efforts as well.

      And those Jetta’s do have some powerful air. That would almost feel like a blow job from Frosty… I’ll shut up now.

      Thanks Ron!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 12, 2010 | Reply

      • haha—wow, I just addressed ‘frosty blow-jobs’ in my last post as a matter of fact…

        I’m all for marketing this idea—I referred to it as the ‘Cool Crotch’ back then…I was even thinking about designing a pair of pants that would be compatible with it—by placing a small zipper halfway up the inner thigh of the pant, providing an entryway for the cooling hose to do it’s thing…

        I think truckers would buy the Hell out of this product…

        Comment by Ron-Yves Strouteau | August 12, 2010 | Reply

        • I want one. Do they come in paisley? Old hippie, you know 🙂

          Comment by jammer5 | August 12, 2010 | Reply

          • Paisley will look great on your crotch Jammer!

            Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 12, 2010 | Reply

            • I was thinking the same thing, bro.

              Comment by jammer5 | August 12, 2010 | Reply

              • Great minds and all that!

                Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 12, 2010 | Reply

                • Okay, I totally want in on this action!

                  Comment by Desert Rat | August 12, 2010 | Reply

                  • Done. You are in on all my action girl!

                    Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 13, 2010 | Reply

        • Wow we really are on the same wavelength. That’s scary for one of us. I guess that would be you.

          You and I my friend… are going to make millions! At least!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 12, 2010 | Reply

          • Nothing would make me happier than putting icicles on peoples’ genitals while putting some cash in my pocket at the same time…

            This is the 100th comment on your post—where’s my fuckin’ trophy?

            -s

            Comment by Ron-Yves Strouteau | August 12, 2010 | Reply

            • I’ll buy it as soon as we make our first 100K on the ball freezers. I promice for real for real!

              Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 13, 2010 | Reply

  21. The side by side walking thing is a real problem. What I hate most of all is when I give them the head nod/smile/wave thing and they look at me and suddenly stop and pretend to need to tie their shoes. If it’s a female and I turn to nod/smile/wave again they usually run for a police officer. 😉

    And, sometimes you just gotta make that adjustment. I try to not to have to do that during an interview or while talking to my grandmother. Any other situation is probably okay.

    Comment by Jay | August 12, 2010 | Reply

    • No unless it’s a socially awkward, assholish guy like me I’m sure that’s not the case at all. If the hot girl does stop and tie her shoe she probably wants you to compliment her ass or something. I would guess.

      See this is why I often thank The Rodrigo that my Grandmother is dead and I don’t have a job. Problems solved!

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 12, 2010 | Reply

  22. I have no poker face (sorry lady gaga) but if i don’t like someone i am usually not very good at faking it.

    also….maybe that company that makes the camelflage can make something to keep all men’s dangling bits cool and separated.

    Comment by Siren | August 12, 2010 | Reply

    • I have a great poker face but it usually comes back to bite me in the ass in these situations. It’s great when I’m playing poker or trying to ruin a supervillian’s nefarious plans for world domination though.

      If we combine Ron’s idea with something steel-y we will all be millionaires!

      Thanks Siren!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 12, 2010 | Reply

  23. Great, now I have the song “Keep em’ Separated” by The Offspring stuck in my head.

    Comment by Siren | August 12, 2010 | Reply

    • I wonder if that was what they were really singing about? Junk?

      Thanks Siren!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 12, 2010 | Reply

      • Probably was, esp. when they sing “go out and play”

        Comment by Lisa | August 12, 2010 | Reply

  24. The Walking Partner is one of my pet peeves too. You had me in stitches reading about it. 🙂

    Comment by mewithd | August 12, 2010 | Reply

    • See? You just need a raper whistle and a tazer and you’ll be set!

      Thanks for stopping by!

      Thanks Mewithd!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 12, 2010 | Reply

  25. You have readability by the bucket load here, and I love it. You always do an exceptional job at capturing what Amy above called a ‘puddle of neurosis’, if we
    social retards ever need an International Representative at the Neurosis and Paralytically Socially Awkward Conference, you will be just the right man for the job, right after you pause to tie your shoe and then run a fucking mile!

    Comment by RubyTwoShoes | August 12, 2010 | Reply

    • Yea, I’m a lot like Richard Lewis in Curb your Enthusiasm. Or Richard Lewis in real life for that matter. Only I’m less Jewish. And better looking. But less rich and/or famous. I don’t know why I try to do analogies they always FAIL.

      I would totally accept that job and I wouldn’t even run away unless someone wanted me to work for my salary.

      Thanks Ruby!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 12, 2010 | Reply

  26. The picture of the guy on the beach would be a good one for a caption competition. My suggestion? “Rodrigo’s father shows his son how to impress women”

    Comment by Thomas Stazyk | August 12, 2010 | Reply

    • It’s been awhile since I’ve done my caption contests, huh? That is a great one!

      Thanks Thomas!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 12, 2010 | Reply

  27. My balls never stick together like that.

    Comment by Candice | August 12, 2010 | Reply

    • No but is your labia prone to tangles? You don’t have to answer that.

      Thanks Candice!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 12, 2010 | Reply

      • how about your labia Scott? Any tangling going on there?

        Comment by nursemyra | August 14, 2010 | Reply

        • You wouldn’t believe the week I had with my labia NM… it was just a tangled mess.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 14, 2010 | Reply

  28. Seeing as my ‘handle’ is QuantumGrl, I exploded with laughter upon reading your quantum Christianity reference. Every now and then, when my daughters and I are out in public, my oldest will discreetly squat somewhere (usually post-piss) to “adjust her flaps”. Scott, I believe I can relate to you so much because you are pensive, quizzical, deeply introspective and perhaps prone to rumination. No event or behavior goes unexamined or unexplored. I would go as far as describe your style of thinking as ‘quantum visionary’: the cognitive exploration of any number of possible states. It does add richness and texture to living, doesn’t it?

    Comment by elizabeth3hersh | August 12, 2010 | Reply

    • Your handle for where though, that’s the question? I’m hoping maybe you finally broke down and got yourself a Facebook account even if it was only to satisfy myself and B’s immense curiosity and desire to get to know you better…?

      This may be the single most erudite, intuitive and wonderfully intelligent comment that I’ve received since I’ve started this blog. You described me to a T. If I ever had the desire to go into therapy (which I never will) I’d want you and only you to therapize me. As long as you were loose with the Xanex scripts…

      And yea, it does make life so much richer, especially when we can stay in the present moment. And it is an amazing gift when you are playing poker as well!

      Thanks Elizabeth!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 12, 2010 | Reply

      • Twitter. I stumbled across your facebook while linking through “Don Mills”…nice pic!!!! Seriously, if I were younger and you were not married, you would not be safe. I have my hands full with Twitter.

        Comment by elizabeth3hersh | August 12, 2010 | Reply

        • Ooohhh come on and join Facebook, please?

          And thank you, we do match up quite well…

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 12, 2010 | Reply

  29. “However, in the company of strangers or worse, family-in-law…”
    Haha Scott- can I join you guys for a family dinner? Just once- I promise! I just have to witness one thing and I’ll be gone, forever… 🙂
    “Zombie-Ebola-Outbreak-Serious in a hurry.”

    Comment by Lua | August 12, 2010 | Reply

    • I’d love to have you over for dinner Lua. You can even stay for a couple of weeks. It’s the perfect chance for you to see Spain!

      But if you do witness a Zombie-Ebola-Outbreak then my invitation is canceled. Sorry.

      Thanks Lua!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 12, 2010 | Reply

  30. I’ve started noticing an awful lot of adjusting going on this year. Maybe it’s b/c most of my friends are guys, ya think? Sometimes I have to say “Hey, I’m right here. I can see what you’re doing!” I don’t think there’s a subtle way for you guys to take care of your bits n pieces, but, boy, I wish there was!

    Comment by gazingatnavels | August 12, 2010 | Reply

    • Like I said it all depends on the outfit. If know that it is going to be hot and sunny I’ll will dress appropriately for the occasion with loose fitting lined or cotton shorts with big pockets.

      It has been a hot summer after all.

      Thanks Gazingatnavels!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 12, 2010 | Reply

  31. Acquiring and unwanted walking partner occurred to me frequently in the city. The odds of ending up parading down the footpath with the local townsfolk are smaller in a tiny town. That is at least one good thing tiny towns have going for them.

    Just like women are encouraged to wear bras, I think some man needs to invent the male bra to hold those fellas supportively and separately. You could have a gentle cotton one for everyday wear, and a lacy black number for Saturday nights.

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | August 12, 2010 | Reply

  32. Awkwardity = Win!
    Murdery = Epic Win!

    I just made up the word “monstery” so if that’s not a sign that we’re destined to write a dictionary together and make millions of dollars, well, then I don’t know what is.

    With regards to the first one, again it’s like we’re twins. And the only difference with the walking partner is I usually pretend that a shiny piece of road has suddenly captured my interest. I’ll stand there staring down like a tool, while at the same time using my peripheral vision to check if the asshole who dared to walk at the same time as me is gone yet.

    Thank God I can’t to the last one, though. But it sounds fun!

    I heart your awkwardity, Scott. For real, yo.

    Comment by bschooled | August 12, 2010 | Reply

    • Well I guess I’m adding “write a dictionary” to our already mountainous list of co-authored projects and I’m ecstatic about the idea. With your education and intelligence and my drug addled mind and not giving a fuckedness there will be no stopping us. We’ll be like the new Webster’s. Only not short or black. And of course we won’t allow Michael Jackson to diddle us. I don’t understand why they let Webster be the go-to man-child in the dictionary biz anyway? Weird.

      Periphery vision can not be overvalued in these situations B. That’s why I’ve ordered two sets of your special periphery glasses! We’ll be on top of the world. And alone up there too!

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 12, 2010 | Reply

  33. Oddly…I never feel bad for hating people, because I figure they deserve it. I don’t even hate it when I hate myself because I KNOW I deserve it. Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | August 12, 2010 | Reply

    • You’re so lucky Matt. I wish I had that kind of a clear conscious. I should hate myself but I could never stay mad at me.

      Thanks Matt!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 12, 2010 | Reply

  34. I love your oblique caustic mind!! When I sit here and read your stories I get totally caught up in your unprecedented spark of genius! You have real talent!!
    I can also see beyond your satirical rants and see a very tender heart….that’s why I like you so much!!

    Love ya kiddo!

    Hugs!

    Comment by Vicki | August 12, 2010 | Reply

    • This is the very first time that my mind has been called obliquely caustic but I think I’m just going to go ahead and take that as a compliment.

      And thanks for thinking well of me hun, you know I appreciate it!

      It’s great to see you again too!

      Thanks Vicki!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 12, 2010 | Reply

      • HaHa! I meant caustic in a good way! You’re so creative…I love it!

        Comment by Vicki | August 12, 2010 | Reply

  35. If anyone ever walks too slow in front of me again, i’ll just shove that bitch outta the way.

    Comment by Michael Horn | August 12, 2010 | Reply

    • It sounds like you have been listening to Ludacris again. Move bitch, get out the way…

      Thanks Michael!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 12, 2010 | Reply

  36. I HEAR YA ! MY PORK SWORD IS BEGGIN’ FOR BLOOD RIGHT NOW !

    Time for a “Rodjustment” !

    Comment by Heff | August 12, 2010 | Reply

    • I fucking hate pork sword but I fucking love rodjustment. I declare it a push!

      Thanks Heff!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 13, 2010 | Reply

  37. OMG OMG I am dying here! You are going to get me in serious trouble because I am at work!

    “Raper, raper” and “pocket pool” have my face turning beet red with the extraordinary effort it is requiring to hold. In. The laughter.

    What? I’m not laughing, there’s nothing funny over here. I am working. Do you not see me working, y’all?

    Comment by Megan @Momlarky | August 12, 2010 | Reply

    • That’s awesome that you can even read it at work now, considering my content seems to confuse the shit out of Lord Google and they think I’m the Porno King instead of the Love God that I clearly am.

      I appreciate all of your wonderful compliments and admire your exceptional containment skills, we need more of the stuff that you’re made of around here!(?) Sorry, I think I’m heat drunk or sun high or something.

      Thanks Megan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 13, 2010 | Reply

  38. Ha, ha. Quantum christianity. Classic! I want to strangle those people who knock on my door at ridiculous hours wanting to sell me the message of god or some such stupid thing. I tell them to go away (only a little less politely) and then I am in a terrible mood all day. My son tells them he worships Satan and then laughs all day.

    Comment by Karen lee Thompson | August 13, 2010 | Reply

    • Really? I’ve never had that. The only people that ever knocked were the Jehovah’s and I’d just always ask them why, if only 144K people are making the cut they are messing with their own odds? Seems stupid to me but I think like a bookie.

      Thanks Karen!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 14, 2010 | Reply

  39. OK, I can relate to everything except separating the sausage and the eggs. Thank god women’s tits don’t itch 😦

    Comment by frigginloon | August 14, 2010 | Reply

    • Thanks for giving me a perfect new catch phrase, I love it!

      Thanks Loon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 14, 2010 | Reply

  40. Lol, i know exactly what you mean

    Comment by Artswebshow | August 14, 2010 | Reply

    • I think that most men do.

      Thanks Artwebshow!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 14, 2010 | Reply

  41. so wow.. so many comments! I can’t read them all. I was scrolling along my blog surfer, saw the Superman and scrolled on until I happened on the dude in the speedo… What a enlightening description. Really. I never knew that you boys had that much of an issue with your stuff.. or maybe yours are/is so big that you have a greater problem than others?
    Thanks for the explantion, I’ll have sympathy the next time some jerk starts playing with his stuff while talking to me.

    Comment by Walker | August 14, 2010 | Reply

    • It all starts off ok Walker. You are young and everything is tightly bound and hairless. With the hair comes a bit of an itch. However once Time starts working her evil magic everything just goes straight to bouncy, dangly hell.

      But how do you know that the guy who’s adjusting himself is really a jerk? I’m happy that I’ve brought a new level of enlightenment to the blogosphere!

      Thanks Walker!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 14, 2010 | Reply


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