Zodi’s Blog

The Love God Says…

Maybe he’s (or she’s) just not that into you.    

I hope that you people found my tips and advice to be informative and stimulating and that because of me you’ve had lots and lots of sexual monkey love stuff going on this week and you were singing my praises while you were orgasming, because that would be cool.    

.    

If you don't have anal with your shampoo you are boring and lazy.

Being that this is my second Love God post and because love is as serious as a bottle of Herbal Essences lodged in your rectum after getting carried away in the shower because the commercial made you feel that if you didn’t do crazy sex shit in the shower you were some kind of loser freak with no friends and ugly, greasy hair, so now you have a potentially dangerous and definitely humiliating situation to deal with… I’ll get right to the point.    

One of the most painful decisions that a couple must face is deciding whether to slowly crawl forward through the feces laced muck of a long term, committed relationship one torturous foot at a time or to break off the choking chains of fidelity, take an Herbal Essences improved shower and step out into the liberating world of bright, airy sunshine followed by lots and lots of sex with random strangers that will make vital internal pieces of your soul curl up and die but still be kind of fun and totally worth it.    

Sometimes your ego will get in the way and stop you from making the right decision and moving on. Well I’m here to tell your ego that it’s stupid and ugly and wrong. Chances are if you are unhappy then it’s not your fault, it’s the fault of the lazy, blind idiot that you call a partner. These are all signs that he’s (or she’s) just not that into you and it’s time to move on.    

– Too little sex. You need to understand that sexual dry patches are very normal in healthy relationships. These can usually be overcome with patience, store bought lubrication, a pharmacy bought erection and watching softcore porn together. But if it’s been months since your last tango and your advances are met with, “Sorry babe, I just masturbated” then you may be in trouble. If your advances are met with, “Sorry babe, I’m about to masturbate” then the fat lady has already sung. Or is about to sing. Especially if your girlfriend is obese and vocally gifted during self induced orgasms.        

-Too much sex. If he’s constantly nagging you to let his friends ‘have a go.’ 

-When you bought the crack and still didn’t receive the promised fellatio.    

.    

"But you promised."

-Passive Aggression. This is one of the most common ways that an introverted-intuitive-feeling-perceiving, type b personality will express their unspoken but highly sought after desire for you to get the fuck out of their house. Sometimes it’s minor passive aggression like ‘accidentally’ selling your brand new set of Taylor Made golf clubs at the garage sale. Sometimes it’s more obvious like that one time when you were doing all the yard work that she had been nagging you to do for the last 3 weeks while she cooked Sunday dinner only when you sat down to eat you noticed that while she had in fact, cooked an elaborate 5 course meal, she only made, like, two tablespoons of each dish and when you calmly inquired, “What the fucking fuck?” she coolly replied, “Oh, I didn’t know you were hungry dickhead.”              

-When they sleep with your bosses and coworkers under the guise of procuring you a raise and you still didn’t get one.      

-If after three years of an office romance you still haven’t had a kiss or shared a meal alone together. The chances are that your partner doesn’t even know that they’ve been in a committed relationship for the last three years which also means that they have probably cheated on you numerous times with multiple people. Do you really want to continue your relationship with a stupid, slutty partner? I thought not.    

– When your partner refuses to lift the restraining order and your advances are met with pepper spray and throat punches.    

– The last and most dangerous is Jesus Christ. The man is a playa. Even though Jesus himself has a pure heart and only the best of intentions he has inadvertently broken up more happy homes than internet porn and secret gay lives combined. I’ve worked up a simple, easy to use guide to determine if Jesus is ‘tapping that ass’ that you used to call home.    

1-     Has your spouse been conspicuously absent from the pukey, hungover bed on Sunday mornings? And now that you think about it, wasn’t she even more conspicuously absent from the weekly Saturday night ‘Strips Clubs are Funner with Blow’ outing?    

2-     Has she been leaving her old, sexy clothes in the closet and buying new, conservative, yet still slightly tacky outfits that tend to feature pleated, ankle length skirts and pearl buttoned tops with weird hats and hidous make-up?    

3-     Has she been finding excuses not to go to the Golden Calf Café on Sacrifice night?    

4-     Is there a little wooden, factory produced painting thingy with footprints and a bunch of squiggly lines now hanging in your bathroom or sitting room?    

5-     Are her eyes all shiny and sparkly now even though you just looked at your stash of meth and it was still in the same place and none was even missing?    

.    

Does your partner look like this? Oh damn. Sorry.

.    

 

If you answered yes to two or more of these questions then I hate to be the one to tell you but it’s all over and she’s with J-man now. She’s got the Holy Spirit going wild all up inside her and she’s not likely coming back from that trip anytime soon.   

You have only two choices; convert or divorce. There will be no negotiation, trust me.         

I hope this has been helpful. I still need questions about relationships, love, drug smuggling or sex for the next Love God post.    

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August 16, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , ,

65 Comments »

  1. I especially love the part about the 3 year office romance!

    Comment by The Late Stork | August 16, 2010 | Reply

    • I’ve seen it happen too. It would suck to be that shy. And that delusional.

      Thanks TLS!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 16, 2010 | Reply

  2. Looking at that picture of Amy, even if I bought the crack I don’t think I could perform looking at that face.

    Comment by bearman | August 16, 2010 | Reply

    • In all fairness to Amy though; it wasn’t her best day. She’s ‘all better now.’

      Thanks Bearman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 16, 2010 | Reply

  3. well im glad i aint having an affair with anyone from my office…they all look like that woman in your picture..including the men…

    Comment by Susi Spice | August 16, 2010 | Reply

    • Where in the hell do you work Susi the morgue? Maybe the zombie supercenter?

      Thanks Susi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 16, 2010 | Reply

      • a place where only 2 men are on my floor and both are over retirement age… and the rest are all menapausal women with chips on their shoulders lol

        Comment by Susi Spice | August 17, 2010 | Reply

        • ps thanks scott!!

          Comment by Susi Spice | August 17, 2010 | Reply

  4. Thanks for bringing this info to the forefront. I know now that my life with my gf is over, but at least I still have my cat. Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | August 16, 2010 | Reply

    • Don’t tell me she told you she was about to masturbate? Seriously Matt, sorry buddy…

      Thanks Matt!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 16, 2010 | Reply

    • uh oh… should we be worried about the cat?

      Comment by nursemyra | August 16, 2010 | Reply

  5. One of my best friends wife looks like that last picture, although her nose is a little more bulbous the make-up is every bit as thick and plastered on her face.
    What should I do Great Love God?

    Comment by Micky-T | August 16, 2010 | Reply

    • Well being that it’s your best friend’s wife; you don’t actually have to do anything. If it’s so bad that you can’t stand to look at her then tell her it’s a new tradition to wear zombie masks in your home every time she comes over.

      Thanks Micky!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 16, 2010 | Reply

  6. I was doing okay until you mentioned restraining orders and pepper spray. That one brought back some pretty traumatic memories dude. I think I need to lie down for a bit.

    Hilarious post as always!

    Comment by Jay | August 16, 2010 | Reply

    • Restraining orders are emotionally rough. Pepper spray is a nightmare on the eyes and sinuses. But count your blessings that you didn’t have to endure the humiliating pain (and bladder loosing power) of the throat punch!

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 16, 2010 | Reply

  7. You manage to find the scariest photos of people! Loved the line about the office romance 😉

    Comment by Reb | August 16, 2010 | Reply

    • I’d like to claim that I am an exceptional paparazzi but the truth is I just find them on Google Images. You can tell the ones that actually are mine. They are celebrity free.

      Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 17, 2010 | Reply

  8. Makeup is clearly the problem. Somewhere between Amy and Tammy Faye, there is a barefaced mama without issues. She may have hair problems, and maybe smells a bit, but there’s always a tradeoff.

    Comment by Cooper Green | August 16, 2010 | Reply

    • Makeup free is the way to go Cooper. I’ve seen women that I would have sworn were wifey material. The next morning however, I could see why they wore all the makeup. If you can find a girl who looks great al natural’ marry her!

      Thanks Cooper!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 17, 2010 | Reply

  9. Amy does not look well. Could be a book, this Love god advice, people are always looking for advice. Self help sorta stuff. Hmm….

    Comment by starlaschat | August 16, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m thinking I could turn it into a Dr. Phil type-o-gig. I just need a talk show host to discover me!

      Thanks Starlaschat!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 17, 2010 | Reply

  10. Insanely funny, as usual!

    Comment by IzaakMak | August 16, 2010 | Reply

    • Glad you enjoyed it.

      Thanks IzaakMan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 17, 2010 | Reply

  11. The Zodi blog continues to be my best window into the real world. In my ignorance I’d never heard of Herbal Essences and I was, forgive the term, curious after reading your post. So I googled it. This is what I found:

    The apocalypse is nigh!

    Comment by Thomas Stazyk | August 16, 2010 | Reply

    • Not to insult myself but if I’m your best window into the real world you are going to have some serious issues. I tend to see the world through insanity flavored glasses.

      You have to watch the real commercials; they can really get you in the mood to shower!

      Thanks Thomas!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 17, 2010 | Reply

  12. What’s the address of the Golden Calf Cafe?

    Comment by nursemyra | August 16, 2010 | Reply

    • Well there used to be one in Mesopotamia but it closed down to the ‘trouble’ they’ve been having with the US military.

      I believe they have changed the name to Mammon and the location to L.A.

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 17, 2010 | Reply

  13. Dear God, Scott, when you have to courage to put Amy Wino and Tammy Fadelift on the same post, sexual awakenings are bound to spurt forth in a dazzling display of total human sexualness. I think I’m going to head for the shower so I can shove that bottle of herbal essence up my ass, and I can finally get a good nights sleep.

    Awesome post, amigo, awesome!!!

    Comment by jammer5 | August 17, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m glad that I had this effect on you Jammer. I feel that it’s my (new) duty to impose sexual awakenings and dazzling (and dastardly) displays of human sexualness.

      I hear for the right price you can get Wino to do your shoving for you these days.

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 17, 2010 | Reply

      • Four bottles of Ripple and 2 packs of cigs . . . not that I checked or anything.

        Comment by jammer5 | August 18, 2010 | Reply

  14. You really nailed it Scott. It was this line that really let me know I just wasn’t into my guy anymore: “-When you bought the crack and still didn’t receive the promised fellatio.” I just didn’t feel like giving him that snake bite. I smoked the crack and used the Herbal Essence on myself, and it just felt right.

    Comment by Vodka and Ground Beef | August 17, 2010 | Reply

    • Thanks V & GB, that’s what I’m here to do. And don’t worry about it at all, it happens to me too. I’ll promise this, that and the other thing but once they buy my crack and/or smack I realize that I’m just not even gay. That’s why it’s a great idea for people like us to know how to nail a throat punch and use pepper spray.

      Thanks V & GB!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 17, 2010 | Reply

  15. People who use Head and Shoulders anti dandruff shampoo never get throat punched …I’m just saying!

    Comment by frigginloon | August 17, 2010 | Reply

    • I don’t quite understand Loon, how did you come to that conclusion? If so, I’m buying a case.

      Thanks Loon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 18, 2010 | Reply

      • Have you not seen their commercials? No Herbal Essences inferred bottle sex there 😦

        Comment by frigginloon | August 21, 2010 | Reply

  16. That picture of Amy Winehouse should be used in every public service announcement to prevent drug use.
    That would be some powerful stuff.

    Comment by Candy | August 17, 2010 | Reply

    • I totally agree. And the scariest past of it is that she is ridiculously rich and still looks that bad.

      Thanks Candy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 18, 2010 | Reply

  17. I prefer a bottle of Paul Mitchell deep conditioner up MY ass, but I’m just classy that way.

    Comment by Heff | August 17, 2010 | Reply

    • Paul Mitchell? Wow Heff, you do go all Park Avenue don’t you!

      Thanks Heff!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 18, 2010 | Reply

  18. Is that really Amityville Winehouse? I’ve never seen that picture before—she looks friggin’ great (like fresh elephant shit). She might be the only celebrity who’s actually smoking her Botox these days…

    One thing about—you know, going steady…that I don’t really enjoy, is when your significant other suddenly decides it’s OK to poop or pee right in front of you…This is some serious horse-shit in my opinion…

    If we’re camping—OK, fine…But if I’m brushing my teeth—are you frackin’ serious? Let’s take turns eh?

    Cheerseseses…

    Comment by Ron-Yves Strouteau | August 17, 2010 | Reply

    • Yea that’s Amy, unfortunately. To be fair, this was taken after a bad day at the crackhouse. She dropped some crumbs and couldn’t find them and all that. Or maybe she didn’t drop anything?

      While you are brushing your teeth? Seriously? No, that’s not cool at all. The worst I’ve had is when we are late to go somewhere and she tries to rush in on me to save time. Then of course neither one of us can stand each other and it’s a whole…thing.

      Thanks Ron!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 18, 2010 | Reply

      • …when a girl does that—it’s essentially an open invite for me to start seeing other people—people that aren’t peeing…peeing who aren’t pooping…

        Comment by Ron-Yves Strouteau | August 19, 2010 | Reply

        • I can see why you would interpret it that way.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 19, 2010 | Reply

      • …that was a typo—I’m on a horse, getting trail-head, writing from an old i-phone…sorry…

        Comment by Ron-Yves Strouteau | August 19, 2010 | Reply

        • You don’t have to apologize for you lifestyle. It sounds fine to me…

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 19, 2010 | Reply

    • ewww i dont know why people do the whole peeing and pooping infront of their partners… some things should remain a mystery for life!

      which is why in any house i build/own the toilet must have a seperate door and room! with noise proof walls and a kick ass ventilation system (boys can be soo bad what do you guys eat!?)

      lol

      Comment by Susi Spice | August 18, 2010 | Reply

      • I’ve never minded the quick pee during the hectic getting ready hour. And thank god that I’ve never had a girl feel that she could drop a deuce in front of me. I have however had girls have to ‘just grab something’ while I’m in the middle of my bidness.

        And that is just not nice.

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 19, 2010 | Reply

  19. Ok, well, I’m 95% sure I have a passive aggressive partner problem, but just to be sure he wants me to Get the Fuck Out of My Own House, does ending arguments about, say, his excessive use of all the Herbal Essence, by saying, calmly and buddhist like, “I don’t want to fight with you”, then stepping through the door, slowly and serenely, and closing it shut, firmly but with unflappably cool, count?!

    Comment by RubyTwoShoes | August 18, 2010 | Reply

    • I’d say that it definitely counts. Especially if you really were unflappably cool. I know that I usually think that I cam being all Fonzi-like when in fact, I’m being all George Costanza-like. It’s hard to judge yourself in these situations, apparently.

      Thanks Ruby!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 18, 2010 | Reply

  20. I remember unwrapping a gift at Christmas from my mom and dad a few years ago and it was this black case full of makeup… I looked at my mom and asked her it it was the Tammy Faye Baker starter kit. It was just WAY too much makeup. I am kinda relieved I have not had any of these issues with any of my ex’s but they are still ex’s and there is a reason for that… probably because I do not use herbal essences. Which reminds me of this girl that wanted to get even with the ex that was moving out of her house so she peed in his shampoo bottle.

    Comment by Siren | August 18, 2010 | Reply

    • I remember those gigantic gift baskets of makeup. I’ve always wondered who bought them. I’ve always preferred girls that only wear makeup, and only a tiny bit, to go out to a high end restaurant or club. Then, you know they’re attractive and there are no surprises.

      The pee may have been good for his hair. Or is that something else I’m thinking of…?

      Thanks Amy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 18, 2010 | Reply

      • That is why i don’t wear a lot of make-up. What you see is what you get.

        Comment by Siren | August 18, 2010 | Reply

        • That’s the way to do it Siren. So when do I get to see?

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 19, 2010 | Reply

  21. I’m telling you, Love God, if I had a shower for every time I crawled through that feces laced muck back in the day, I’d be known by the staff at the Foothills Hospital as “Herbal Essences Rectum Girl.”

    Thankfully, I learned my lesson. But just in case I haven’t and just think I have because lately when it comes to guys my attention span is that of a gnat with ADD, I’m going to copy and paste this post so I can use it for future reference.

    Thank-you, LG. Not only does your timeless advice help save/kill relationships, it’s also bringing us one step closer to being “Rapture Ready”.

    (?)

    Comment by bschooled | August 18, 2010 | Reply

    • If I had a shower for every time that you made me laugh out loud and spit up on my keyboard I’d have those weird, pruney fingers and have a large, gaping rectum. Seriously.

      Although I have to admit that parts of your esotericism(?) confused me I ‘felt’ what you were saying right in the marrow of my bones. And as long as we are indeed Rapture Ready, what do a few dead prostitutes really matter in the grand scheme of things? I’m seriously asking because I have a situation here.

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 19, 2010 | Reply

      • They don’t matter at all, Scott. Dirty hookers (and cocaine) are just a crutch, remember?

        Comment by bschooled | August 21, 2010 | Reply

        • I keep my hookers sparkly and bleached B, just so you know! My cocaine crutch keeps buckling by the way.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 21, 2010 | Reply

  22. Don’t forget Scott, that there is always the third option the, you’ve been married so long, that the absence of sex means that you have come to the time in your relationship where he/she is just a “companion” to you.

    Comment by trishothinks | August 19, 2010 | Reply

    • That part usually comes pretty much from the beginning for me Trish. The companion part, not the absence of sex part. The absence of sex part can always be dealt with but if you’re not friends then you got nothing.

      Thanks Trish!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 21, 2010 | Reply

  23. Stepping out and having lots of varied encounters with different partners other than your main Squeeze is definitely fun, and it’s good to add the disclaimer about the little bits of your soul that may potentiually curl up and die: one must be be psychologically prepared!

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | August 20, 2010 | Reply

    • Yea, I’ve just never been strong or solid enough for it Mitzi. Seriously, I had one one night stand in my life and felt ill the next morning. ALthough I did used to feel ill most mornings…

      Thanks Mitzi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 21, 2010 | Reply

  24. I’m guilty of owning the book “He’s Just Not that into You” and of seeing the movie adaptation.
    Question: Is it true that men, specifically the painfully shy ones who’ve been traumatized by rejection, cannot help but let a woman know that they’re “into” them?

    Comment by gazingatnavels | September 7, 2010 | Reply

    • I haven’t read it or seen it yet, is it any good?

      Your fantastic question is ‘in the vault’ and will be addressed shortly!

      Thanks GAN!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 7, 2010 | Reply


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