Zodi’s Blog

Facebook Profiles: The Buddha

 

The Buddha’s Info

  

Sex: I have the sexual organs of a God! Too bad that God is Buddha. Haha!

Birth date: 563 Before. The. Christ. Haha! 

Current City: I don’t really like to be tied down and I tend to travel a lot. Why does your mind seek to label and pigeon hole?

Relationship Status: It’s complicated.  

Looking for: Nothing, we possess all we will ever need inside of us. And Cheesy Puffs.

Activities: Ending suffering, surfing (just learned!), chowing, being, letting my love light shine, chillaxin.

Interests: Philosophy, candles, eastern thought, chillaxin. Asking myself… Get it? Haha! 

TV Shows: Weeds, 30 Rock, Breaking Bad. 

Books: The Stieg Larsson trilogy, Time Travelers Wife, Eckhart Toole, anything by Deepak Chopra.

Quotes: I am the way, the truth and the light. –Jesus. That dude is righteous bro.  

About Me: I’m a pretty humble God, just trying to end suffering, bring consciousness to the world, chow down and chillax! I am not inherently opposed to marijuana. Why would I be?  

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The Buddha’s Wall

     

July 11th The Buddha – It is better to travel well than to arrive.

~ Keanu Reeves – Dude!

~ Tiger Woods – Well said Buddha, but I miss my Escalade. And my wife.

~ The Buddha – Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. Take a smoke if it will help. 

~ Keanu Reeves – Duuuuuude!

~ Tiger Woods – Thanks bro.

 

July 13th Richard Gere – Quick question. If I save the life of an animal of the field, a small rodent as such, does his life then belong to me in essence?

~ Uma Thurman – Owww. You freak.

~ Oliver Stone – How do you know it’s a rodent and not some space creature putting these thoughts into your head? Have you thought of that Richard?

~ Richard Gere – @Uma. Fuck off bitch. @Oliver. Oh my, you may be right!

~ Keanu Reeves – shit dude?

~ The Buddha – Every one needs to walk the middle road. @Uma, be nice. @Oliver, please take your medication and stop confusing the idiots. @Richard, how many times have I told you that you are going to be reincarnated as a colostomy bag if you keep this up. Do not interfere with nature. Your mind seeks fulfillment where it can not be found.

~ Uma Thurman – I disagree Buddha. Anal sex can be nice.

~ Keanu Reeves – hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe dude!

~ Richard Gere – I’m sorry master, I’ll meditate on it.

~ The Buddha – Meditate with no animal up your ass Richard. That is the middle way.

 

July 13th Jesus Christ – Hey B, you want to mash up some waves tomorrow?

~ The Buddha – Yea, I’m down. Breakfast at IHOP?

~ Jesus Christ – Absofreakinglutely!

~ Keanu Reeves – Can I come? 

~ The Buddha – Have you any herb?

~ Keanu Reeves – dude!

~ The Buddha – Ok, but don’t get all talky.

~ Jesus Christ – 6am tomorrow guys!

 

July 13th The Buddha became a fan of The Sound of One Hand Clapping, Becoming a Fan, and The Office.

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July 14th The Buddha– Killer waves and righteous peeps!

~ Jesus Christ, J-Lo and Keanu Reeves like this.    

 

July 14th The Buddha– To live a pure unselfish life, one must count nothing as one’s own in the midst of abundance.

~ The Buddha – Can a Buddha get a like? WTF. 

 

July 15th The Buddha is now friends with Steven Segal, Mark Wahlberg and 14 others.

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July 17th Pat Robertson– You should be ashamed of yourself. You are leading all these heathens straight into hell. Plus you’re fat.

~ The Buddha – Your soul suffers Pat. You need to seek peace.

~ Pat Robertson – You’re going to hell you fatso. I can squat 4500 pounds, thanks to God. And my protein shake.

~ The Buddha – Please do not spam my wall Pat.

 

July 17th The Buddha wrote on Mohammad’s wall.

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July 17th The Buddha – Haha, some people are so afraid of hell that they create it on earth.

~ Cher and Oliver Stone like this.

~ Pat Robertson – You are a passive aggressive fat man. Have you become a fan of The 700 club yet?

~ Tom Cruise – You are both so ignorant. You are both so wrong. My Lord Xenu knew you when you were a mere pup, Siddhartha Gautama. You and Pat both need to Come to the Real Truth!

~ The Buddha – @Tom why do you feel the need to capitalize what are only words. Words hold no inherent power, they only point the way to the truth. Or Truth as you would say.

~ Tom Cruise – Don’t be glib Siddhartha.

~ Keanu Reeves – @Tom. dude i love you in that movie you did u should come check out my band somtime we should get 2gether and hang do u surf? i went surfing with buddha and JC the other day u want 2 surf with me to? it’ll be sick

~ Tom Cruise – @shit4brains- I’d rather have sex with a female.

~ Jesus Christ – Don’t resist the asshole Buddha, if you ignore him he’ll go away eventually.

~ Pat Roberson – My Lord, is that you?

~ Jesus Christ – I defriended you for a reason Pat, leave me alone.  

 

July 18th Mohammad– Hi Buddha. Thanks for the birthday wishes my brother. May a million spider webs protect you always.

~ The Buddha likes this.

 

July 19th The Buddha – Just chillin under a Bodhi tree with Patrick Swayze listening to some Nirvana hahaha!

~ The Buddha – There were like 3 jokes in that one. Why can’t you people just ‘like’ it?

~ Keanu Reeves likes this.

~ Keanu Reeves – dude, i got 2 of those funny jokes I was in the movie tell patrick that nobody puts baby in a corner hehehe he’ll get it!

~ Phil Jackson – @Keanu- Did your mother huff glue while breast feeding you? @Buddha- Hey B, I just came up with an inspiring and Zen inducing locker room speech, let me know when you have a minute to help me fine tune it.

~ Keanu Reeves – @Phil. your a dickbag

 

July 20th The Buddha wrote on Phil Jackson’s wall.

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July 20th The Buddha– I heart fried peanut butter and Jelly toped with vanilla ice cream with a side of hot dogs and cheesy poofs!

~ Keanu Reeves – dude! mumumnomnomnom!

 

July 21st Ziggy Sobotka– Is this where I come to blow shit up and get 72 virgins?

~ The Buddha – No.

~ Mohammad – Oh Jesus Christ.

~ Jesus Christ – What?

~ Jesus Christ – Seriously, what?

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August 19, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , ,

72 Comments »

  1. I used to say I had the body of a god….Buddha.

    Comment by Bearman | August 19, 2010 | Reply

    • Yep, it’s a classic.

      Thanks Bearman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 19, 2010 | Reply

  2. The exchange between Pat and JC is priceless!

    Comment by Pamela Villars | August 19, 2010 | Reply

    • I’d love to be a fly on the wall if they ever do meet.

      Thanks Pamela!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 19, 2010 | Reply

    • that’s my favourite bit too

      Comment by nursemyra | August 19, 2010 | Reply

  3. Buddha is hot.

    Comment by Candice | August 19, 2010 | Reply

  4. This is inspired, off the chain funny!!

    “~ Mohammad – Oh Jesus Christ.”

    Cracking up!

    Comment by Amy | August 19, 2010 | Reply

    • I love the idea of all the Gods (and prophets) chatting it up.

      Thanks Amy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 19, 2010 | Reply

  5. “Jesus Christ – I defriended you for a reason Pat, leave me alone.”

    Wiping iced tea off my monitor and trying to blow the rest of it out of my nose. Thanks for the near drowning!

    Comment by Rev D | August 19, 2010 | Reply

    • A spit up, near drowning is the highest compliment that I can receive. It’s why I got into this business, damn it.

      Thanks for visiting!

      Thanks Rev D!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 19, 2010 | Reply

  6. somewhere on the other side a Catskills comedian is thinking – Buddha and Jesus walk into an IHOP …

    LOVED the – ‘Oliver take your meds and stop confusing the idiots’

    and chillaxin is my new favorite word

    Comment by dianne | August 19, 2010 | Reply

    • Somewhere on this side of the Catskills (wait, what side am I on?) a ‘writer’ is thinking, of how to drag this bit out a little longer. I tend to fall in love with my characters, as you well know.

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 20, 2010 | Reply

  7. I had to leave Facebook. I found Buddah’s incessant friend requests both annoying and tiresome.

    Comment by Heff | August 19, 2010 | Reply

    • It’s the Farmville and Mafia Wars that get to me.

      Thanks Heff!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 20, 2010 | Reply

  8. Oh, my aching Buddha belly! That was funny!

    Comment by Reb | August 19, 2010 | Reply

    • Do you need to take a smoke?

      Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 20, 2010 | Reply

  9. Duuuuuude! I’ma chillaxin with some toast and just wishin’ I had some cheesy puffs! Sounds righteous!

    If I were Vulcan, I’d just like a shot at tapping that brain of yours – just to see WTF is going on in there: brilliant!

    Comment by Desert Rat | August 19, 2010 | Reply

    • Oh my lord, I envy your accessibility to cheesy poofs. I miss my cheesy poofs. And Eggo’s. And Cinnamon Life…

      If you were a Vulcan I would consider it an honor and a privilege if you tapped my brain. If I were a player I would love to tap your… brain as well.

      Thanks Dessert Rat!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 20, 2010 | Reply

  10. Buddha is just a cool all-around dude. No wonder he gets all the hot chicks.

    I love these fake Facebook profiles you do. What? It’s not fake. Uh, sorry. 😉

    Comment by Jay | August 19, 2010 | Reply

    • Buddha is as cool as the other side of the pillow. I’ve read a few books about his life before and after enlightenment. I’ve also thought about him a lot. I feel that this has given me the inside knowledge to take poetic license with his personality. And I think I nailed it.

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 20, 2010 | Reply

  11. This is the best thing EVER. GENIUS! Oh my gosh, I’m dying. Love it! Sorry for all the exclamation points, but see what you’ve done to me? You are brilliant.

    Comment by Jennifer | August 19, 2010 | Reply

    • Well thank you for all the gushing praise. It reminds me of the time I went white water rafting and met Ted Haggard.

      I’ve missed you A LOT!

      Thanks Jennifer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 20, 2010 | Reply

  12. dude…….ohh man….that was sick.
    you should be like writing this down somewhere you know?

    Fucking Great!

    Comment by Micky-T | August 19, 2010 | Reply

    • Don’t worry Micky; I’m taking plenty of notes. I’ma write me a book someday.

      Thanks Micky!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 20, 2010 | Reply

  13. I think this is your funniest post yet Scott

    Comment by nursemyra | August 19, 2010 | Reply

    • That quite a compliment NM, considering how long we’ve been together!

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 20, 2010 | Reply

  14. OH FUCK, that is funny!!!

    How long did that take you to write/think up? Genius!

    Comment by Mick_Chick | August 19, 2010 | Reply

    • I’ve actually done this twice previuosly, so not long at all. I should have put up the links…next time.

      Thanks Mick_Chick!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 20, 2010 | Reply

  15. Is that Ron Jeremy in the pic? Wow, this post was like The Surreal Life Part-Deux. Awesome, dude! Just awesome!!

    Comment by elizabeth3hersh | August 19, 2010 | Reply

    • I had been waiting for someone to ask about the pic. It’s just some random guy I found in Google Images posing like Buddha. And he is perfect!

      Thanks Elizabeth!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 20, 2010 | Reply

  16. very nice 😀

    Comment by Bali Desa | August 20, 2010 | Reply

    • Thanks for stopping by!

      Thanks Bali Desa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 20, 2010 | Reply

  17. ~ The Buddha – Can a Buddha get a like? WTF.

    You are so funnnnnny, Scott. Your brain is super mega cool (or sick)!

    You are soooo like my hero or Yoda or something.

    Couldn’t think of a new love question for your last post until now. For the Love God: How do you know it’s Gonorrhea and not just a bad day? And Rodrigo cries your praise when he have for to orgasming with the mans for many parts but at times for the womans.

    Comment by Lisa | August 20, 2010 | Reply

    • I thought that you would appreciate that line in particular Lisa. Doesn’t it suck when you can’t get a like?

      So I’m replacing Yoda as your hero/spiritual guru? Fucking cool!

      Your question for the Love God has been put in the vault.

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 20, 2010 | Reply

      • Yep, I loved it when you liked my monoxide comment. It was like I had arrived, my guru liked me!

        Comment by Lisa | August 20, 2010 | Reply

        • What can I say; I like me some monoxide!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 21, 2010 | Reply

  18. Haha damn I wish I hadn’t closed my facebook account, I could’ve added Buddha as a friend- he sounds cool! 🙂

    Comment by Lua | August 20, 2010 | Reply

    • He is the friend to have. He gets invited to all the cool parties and puts up ALL the pics.

      Thanks Lua!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 21, 2010 | Reply

  19. It’s about time Richard Gere got some useful advice. The hamster wheel idea was destined to fail.

    Comment by Cooper Green | August 20, 2010 | Reply

    • He is badly in need of a new agent. And a new hamster.

      Thanks Cooper!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 21, 2010 | Reply

  20. A perfect parody. I really ‘like’d this. I could enjoy plenty more of its ilk!

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | August 20, 2010 | Reply

    • There were two previously, I’ll link them next time, promise.

      Thanks Mitzi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 21, 2010 | Reply

  21. HaHa this was a great one to start my Friday morning. /teehee all the way to work.

    It is now official i think i am the only person not on facebook.

    Comment by Siren | August 20, 2010 | Reply

    • You should join if only so you can be friends with me. I’m friends with Buddha and so you’ll have an inside track!

      Thanks Siren!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 21, 2010 | Reply

  22. I’d link to this on my facebook page but somehow I defriended myself. I’m seriously thinking of rejoining as Thelonious Monk, after I quit laughing so hard.

    One of your best . . an iconic classic in the making . . . dude.

    Comment by jammer5 | August 20, 2010 | Reply

    • And, like Lisa, you are my new guru. I plan to bombard you with internally sexualized questions, such as: How does one attain position number 357 of the Kama Sutra without breaking three ribs, one femur, ingesting a snickers bar and two Quaaludes?

      Comment by jammer5 | August 20, 2010 | Reply

      • Well thanks! I your very specific and technical question in The Vault. The Love God is going to have some research to do…

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 21, 2010 | Reply

    • That’s it Jammer. You have to join as The Monk. That would be great. A bunch of people join under fake names but that is the coolest fake name ever!

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 21, 2010 | Reply

  23. This made me laugh. And when I read it again to made sure I’d read it right I laughed harder.

    Comment by Thomas Stazyk | August 21, 2010 | Reply

    • Hahahaha what part were you unsure of, if I dare ask?

      Thanks Thomas!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 21, 2010 | Reply

  24. HAHA! OMG, I’m dying right now! (But in a good way.)

    Richard Gere and his rodents are the stuff dreams are made of. (Well, my dreams anyway..thanks to the cocaine-laced Ambien.)

    And I know I say it a lot, but “Okay, but don’t get all talky” is my new favorite Keanu-related phrase. For real this time.

    You are the master of Celebbrity-ish Facebook, Scott. (And you’ll be even more mastery after I Google who Phil and Ziggy are.)

    Comment by bschooled | August 21, 2010 | Reply

    • Dying is always good as long as you are a kickasstical human being like you are B. My guess is that you’ll either get me as a Siamese twin joined at the brain stem or as a husband…or even wife, maybe?

      I’ll save you the trouble of using Google (they are becoming an evil empire from what I hear) and tell you. Phil Jackson is one of the best coaches who ever lived and is the current coach for my beloved Lakers and Ziggy was just a fictional fuckup in season 2 of The Wire. But when the kid fucked up, he like really fucked up. Almost everybody I used is a Buddhist for realz.

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 21, 2010 | Reply

  25. Thank god no one wrote on the Wailing wall, that could have been awkward!!!

    Psst I heard Salman Rushdie was writing a new book “Buddha Ya Big Fat F***!”

    Comment by frigginloon | August 21, 2010 | Reply

    • But I’m going to Isreal next year and was planning to ‘tag’ it. That’s not a ‘thing?’

      Have you read the Satanic Verses?

      Thanks Loon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 21, 2010 | Reply

  26. Dude…great post!

    Comment by thoughtsappear | August 21, 2010 | Reply

    • Dude…thanks!

      Thanks Thoughtsappear!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 21, 2010 | Reply

  27. Your space in the afterlife is reserved, might get a little warm?

    gg

    Comment by gallowaygrave | August 21, 2010 | Reply

    • No, me and the Buddha are tight. Who do you think hooked him up with JC?

      Thanks GG!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 21, 2010 | Reply

      • Ha Ha! Galloway just sent you to Hell, which I think is just south of Tijuana. Remember not to pass go or collect 200.00

        Comment by Lisa | August 21, 2010 | Reply

        • I’ve been south of Tiquana and it is more like heaven to a heathen like myself.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 21, 2010 | Reply

  28. Can I facebook friend the Buddha? He won’t judge me, and I know he drinks PBR.

    He looks kid of gassy though. Can you confirm?

    Comment by Vodka and Ground Beef | August 21, 2010 | Reply

    • You can and should Facebook friend the Buddha. He’s one of the best friends you can find on there. He’s always there to like what you say but never there to testify when the prosecution calls on him. At least that has been my experience.

      You can friend me too; I’m the one with panache wearing the kick ass (thanks B) fedora.

      Thanks V & GB!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 21, 2010 | Reply

  29. Scott

    What would be Bruce Wayne/Batman’s profile…hey someone has to ask…zman sends

    Comment by zman | August 21, 2010 | Reply

    • I’ll have to work on that at some point zman. ALthough I’m more suited to have done a Joker/Heath Ledger profile.

      It’s great to see you again, I hope you’re well.

      Thanks zman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 21, 2010 | Reply

  30. This has the 3 all important “Cs” – clever, creative and chillaxin.
    Right up my alley.
    And of course, wonderfully funny and entertaining (does it get boring that I say that phrase after almost every single post you write?! Because I could always change it to “chuckle-o-rama”, and make it the 4 Cs….)

    Comment by RubyTwoShoes | August 22, 2010 | Reply

    • Wow I would have guessed three entirely different C’s but I like yours better than mine anyway. No your comments are never boring. I’ve always found your complimentary comments to be quite cornucopia… sorry I ran out of C’s before I could make that sound cool. I told you that your C’s were better.

      Thanks Ruby!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 22, 2010 | Reply

  31. Dude! Check this out:

    http://www.gotchamediablog.com/2010/08/daily-show-team-mohammed-vs-team-jesus.html

    I was laughing watching this the other night, and your post is right there, at the “funny as hell” level. Great post!

    Comment by Dan McGinley | August 22, 2010 | Reply

    • Haha, I saw that the day after it was on. The Daily Show is literally the only show that I’ve never missed an episode of. I was disappointed in the lack of a team Buddha though. Maybe you, me and George should step up to the plate and represent for The Dude. What do you think? Or should we just go bowling?

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 22, 2010 | Reply

      • Dude! I mean . . . yes! Both! Uhhhh . . . give Serge’s sidekick a call, too. Coleman would hang with the Bude.

        Comment by Dan McGinley | August 23, 2010 | Reply

        • “Bude”…first laugh of the day. 🙂

          Comment by elizabeth3hersh | August 24, 2010 | Reply


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