Zodi’s Blog

More Letters

 

Dear 7 year old Self,

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Bruce says, "Don't jump off the roof. "

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I know that it’s way cool to run around in your Superman pajamas with the plasticy bottoms and shuffle your feet so you can shock the cat with your superpowers but you’re going to get in big trouble when you cut up your mom’s fancy nightgown to make the shiny red cape. And after you try to give Snowball a haircut you won’t be able to find scissors again, even if you really, really need them, for the next five years. And while I’m on the subject of superpowers and trouble I did want to warn you of something even more pressing. I know that you think that if you duct tape cardboard and Styrofoam to your arms and back and proceed to climb onto your neighbor’s garage and dive off after getting a fast running start, you’ll make history by being the first boy to successfully fly and that after being thrust into the public spotlight everyone will love you and you’ll end up saving the president’s daughter from drowning and receive an ‘Anything You Want In The Entire World For The Rest Of Your Life Is Now Yours For Free’ card, I can assure you that none of those things will happen and that card doesn’t even exist….that I know of. You will instead land on a surface that somehow is mostly gravel and glass (you’ll know from the excessive bleeding) even though it looked like soft, comfy grass from the roof. You will also be grounded.

PS. Take all of your piggybank money, including the loose change you keep stealing out of your mom’s purse and parlay it on the Oakland Raiders and under in Superbowl 15. Then take that money and put it all in IBM, Apple, and as soon as it goes public… Microsoft.

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Dear Steven Slater,

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Not my heroine.

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Am I the only person in the world who’s not all that enamored with you right now? Dude, I’ve seen you guys (no, I don’t mean ‘the gays,’ I’m not a total asshole. I mean flight attendants) flip out all the time over the littlest things. You people make Christian Bale and Mel Gibson seem almost rational. I’d respect you more if you would start telling the truth and admit that you guys wake us up every mother fucking time we fall asleep because the seatbelt light just ‘happened’ to come back on, simply for shits and giggles.  

And tell the truth, having to have your seat in the upright position during takeoff and landing, that’s just another control game with you, isn’t it. What difference does 2 inches really make in the grand scheme of things? You pray someone gets nasty just so you’ll have an excuse to act all put upon, even when you aren’t all Falling Down (Did you see that movie? It was good) ragey.

I’ll let you be my hero if you expose the dirty secrets and nefarious plans of the worldwide flight attendant cabal/illuminati. I’ll bet that you’d even get a book deal. I mean a better book deal than the one you probably already have because America is well and truly screwed when Joe the Plummer and now you, are the only heroes we have.

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I just noticed how much he looks like Frank Zobotka from season 2 of The Wire.

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Dear Microsoft Word,

 

We have the ultimate love/hate relationship, don’t we? We’re just like Kurt and Courtney but without all the angst and thin sweaters but with twice the heroin. I hate how weird and solitary you are. You’re just like the Unabomber but without the cool hoodie, plus you apparently can’t even spell hoodie. I was appalled that you didn’t know who Brangelina was and I was repulsed that you didn’t even know who Pitt and Jolie were individually. I mean ‘loser much?’ And even after I’ve explained it and used it in a sentence, I’m pretty sure that you can’t comprehend what a Brangelina even is.

I’ll introduce your pathetic ass to Jessica Alba and in the very next sentence you’ll turn around and pretend not to know Jessica Alba’s breasts. Do you not understand the possessive or are you just jealous and stupid?

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Jessica Alba's breast. Or at least a side boob.

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I fully admit that I do need you in my life. Without you, my writing would be nothing but a smorgasbord of horrifically misspelled words with a sprinkling of nonsensical punctuation that resembled something a learning disabled spider monkey would come up with if you gave him 200 boxes of Alpha-Bits cereal with Punctuation Marshmallows and a lot of creative latitude.

While you do usually save me from retarded primate apostrophe placement and the spelling of a chick who had meant to enter a mayonnaise eating competition but instead accidentally entered a spelling bee, occasionally you make me look even more foolish. Remember, when you make assumptions you make an ass out of both of us. For instance, you incorrectly assume that “I went out to buy some heroine” instead of “I went out to by some heroin.” Don’t you know me at all after all these years? And I don’t think that female heroes should be prostituting themselves to begin with, except maybe the cheerleader from Heroes because she was a little corny and ridiculously short by most Hollywood standards, so maybe she would but she’s not really a real heroine anyway.

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My heroine.

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Don’t you care that you are destroying little kids’ role models? If it were up to you, you’d have Wonder Woman strung out on the horse and giving blow jobs for junk. I’ll bet your heroine is Courtney Love. Or is it Steven Slater? (How do you NOT know who that is? AGH!)

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August 22, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , ,

58 Comments »

  1. Please tell your younger self not to believe your older brothers when they tell you that wrestling is fake and so are all the moves they do.

    Do not let said brother put a figure four leg lock on you. You will regret it and get in trouble with mom because the only way out of that wretched maneuver was to sock your brother in the face.

    Comment by Bearman | August 22, 2010 | Reply

    • I’ll tell you what’s not fake Bearman; that good damn sleeper hold that got me suspended from Jr. High because I accidentally made one of the Dewar twins pass out and everybody was all like, “ooh you could have killed him, you’re bad.” And I was all like “I didn’t think it would work. WTF?”

      And that figure four was no joke. I hope you hit him hard.

      Thanks Bearman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 23, 2010 | Reply

      • How did you wake him up?

        Comment by Bearman | August 23, 2010 | Reply

        • I didn’t. He came to after about a minute. He immediately threw up. I was suspended.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 24, 2010 | Reply

  2. Yeah I am not impressed with that Steven guy either. Who I am impressed with is that flight attendant who after take off moved me up to First Class and got me a drink. I don’t remember his name but I liked his style.

    I think I need to write a letter to my idiot girl self, but I am gonna have some cereal instead. Impressive post as always!

    Comment by Siren | August 23, 2010 | Reply

    • The only time that’s ever happened to me I was traveling alone. And I loved it. First class is like a whole new world. I think traveling/living with my girlfriends/wife has held me back significantly in my life. Who knows how many ways I could have upgraded?

      That’s what I ate for my midnight snack as well. Great minds Siren, great minds!

      Thanks Siren!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 23, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m an idiot girl, too!

      Comment by Desert Rat | August 24, 2010 | Reply

  3. Ah poor maligned Microsoft Word. Would you like it any better if it sprouted Stryrofoam wings and flew off the garage roof?

    Comment by nursemyra | August 23, 2010 | Reply

    • Actually if it did that I think I would like it a whole lot better. You just made me smile!

      Thanks Nursemyra!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 23, 2010 | Reply

  4. Omitted PS from Letter to 7 year old self: “And stop touching yourself!”

    Comment by Thomas Stazyk | August 23, 2010 | Reply

    • I would have told myself to chub it up a little more in anticipation of many elementary school depantings.

      Thanks Thomas!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 23, 2010 | Reply

  5. Did you happen to have a nylon dressing gown that spontaneously combusted and melted on your flesh every time you walked pass a bar heater? I did 😦

    I use friggin Notepad after I had an altercation with Microsoft Word over the words “public” and “Pubic” …why the hell did it do that??????

    They should have bitch slapped Slater all the way to economy. Sheez, who drinks friggin Blue Moon beer???? No wonder they want to ban nuts!

    Comment by frigginloon | August 23, 2010 | Reply

    • It probably was nylon but we didn’t have bar heaters we lived in an apartment building with heating ducts. The heating ducts did not smell nice either, I do remember that.

      I’ve never tried Notepad, maybe I should. I hate when they mess with my heroin. And lately it does this thing where if I go back it starts eating all the type in front of it no matter how many times I tell it to. Stop. Doing. That. By hitting the insert key. We never got along great but lately it’s coming to blows.

      Thanks Loon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 23, 2010 | Reply

      • Blahahaha, Notepad is extremely basic but it doesn’t have hidden code which can FU your websites when you cut and paste.

        Comment by frigginloon | August 25, 2010 | Reply

        • Thanks, I’ve figured out what you mean now. I have used it when the code is too much. I’m not a good techy guy, at all.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 25, 2010 | Reply

  6. would you please also mention to Word that the correction for ‘Obama’ is NOT ‘Osama’
    unless of course the correction for ‘Bush’ is ‘Asshole’ but then that fucks up all sorts of porn novellas and chaos and hilarity would ensue

    Comment by dianne | August 23, 2010 | Reply

    • That’s funny mine didn’t now Obama or Osama until I introduced them. And it still doesn’t know Obama’s legacy or Osama’s plans yet.

      It does know that Bush is an asshole though, I’ll give it that!

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 23, 2010 | Reply

  7. I’ve always wanted to slide down one of those slides, but I don’t care about that bitchy dude at all.

    I broke up with MS Word and am now dating Google Docs.

    Did MS Word really not know who Jessica Alba’s breasts were? What about her ass? Surely he’s seen her ass?

    Comment by Jay | August 23, 2010 | Reply

    • I’ve always wanted to ass well, but it leads to the ocean (with a deserted island paradise in the foreground) in my fantasies. Also the flight attendants are all really hot.

      It doesn’t even know Alba’s vagina. Can you believe it?

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 23, 2010 | Reply

  8. The ONLY person that pisses me off in this post is Jessica Alba, because she doesn’t get naked for the big screen.

    Comment by Heff | August 23, 2010 | Reply

    • Aww don’t be mad at Jessica. I gave you a half boob at least.

      Thanks Heff!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 23, 2010 | Reply

  9. “Sideboob does not the nipple expose”

    er, or somethin’ like that….

    Comment by Heff | August 23, 2010 | Reply

    • Yea, that works. It could have been worse though; you could have gotten Tara Reid’s full breast.

      Thanks Heff!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 24, 2010 | Reply

  10. I love zappin’ the cat.

    I wish I could’ve told my younger self that no, it’s not really possible to fly in an invisible airplane and that mom’s bracelets will NOT stop bullets – not even the soft plastic ones that your younger sister is firing at you – and when you tie up your sister with the magic-truth-telling-golden-lasso, all it does is piss off mom and get you grounded. (And NO MORE sliding down the stairs like a luge rider on the sofa cushions!)

    Comment by Desert Rat | August 23, 2010 | Reply

    • I don’t know though Ena. My mind almost wants to believe that if we really did believe all that stuff worked strongly enough it really did work, kind of. Kind of like a kid’s version of The Secret type-o-thing. I really did see my Curios George come to life one night.

      We lived in an apartment building and used to use cardboard to luge down the steps. Funnest. Game. Ever!

      Thanks Ena!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 24, 2010 | Reply

  11. We would have been great friends as 7 year olds. I’m surprised I’m still alive after my attempt at flying.

    Another great post!

    Comment by Candice | August 23, 2010 | Reply

    • Seriously, is there a child alive who at some point did *not* try to fly?

      Comment by Desert Rat | August 23, 2010 | Reply

    • We would have indeed! Mabye together we would have succeded? At least we’re friends now… we should work on something.

      Thanks Candice!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 24, 2010 | Reply

  12. Love the letters! Is Snowball a cat or a dog…or some other animal?

    Comment by thoughtsappear | August 23, 2010 | Reply

    • Snowball was a long hair cat. Cat’s don’t like haircuts, especially when you throw in a whisker trim for free. He was still pretty though.

      Thanks Thoughtappear!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 24, 2010 | Reply

  13. Slater is such a perfect example of all that is wrong with certain kinds of media exposure and the mindless twits who buy into it. The man himself did something pretty funny, but little more than thousands of disgruntled workers flipping birds and slamming doors as they leave countless trashed careers. He quit and slid down an inflatable chute, after telling people off and grabbing a couple of beers, and it was a front and center lead story for days. WTF indeed. I can cite more outrageous departures and the only thing different is no camera to grab it or media to make the protaganist into a “working class hero”. We are officially effin’ doomed. I really, really hope his fifteen minutes are up. But it’s doubtful.

    Comment by Dan McGinley | August 24, 2010 | Reply

    • Dan! I’m glad that you are still around supporting the working class bloggers. I was hoping I didn’t have to break out the herpes or anything drastic.

      You said it better than I did. Shiiit, I’ve quit jobs more dramatically myself, but I can get into that, because I’m not allowed to. My biggest problem with the story is that he was a flight attendant. They are already so pissy and seem to have various $5 bottles of booze stuck up their ass. Where is the surprise coming from?

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 24, 2010 | Reply

  14. Oh . . . nice titty shot.

    Comment by Dan McGinley | August 24, 2010 | Reply

    • Haha, thank Lord Google not me.

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 24, 2010 | Reply

  15. Is that really Courtney Love’s mouth? It looks like the Alaska Highway with frost heaves. She and Amy Winehouse could open a Senseless consulting business together.

    Comment by Cooper Green | August 24, 2010 | Reply

    • As far as I can tell it is. Google Images wouldn’t lie, would they? Originally I thought herpes, then I realized crack or meth was more likely. Your business idea is amazing!

      Thanks Cooper!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 24, 2010 | Reply

  16. I can’t believe Microsoft doesn’t know you do heroin. I thought everyone knew.

    Comment by Vodka and Ground Beef | August 24, 2010 | Reply

    • I know that Google knows. Google always helps me to cop. And keeps the cops away. Master Google is Good.

      Thanks V & GB!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 25, 2010 | Reply

  17. My memory of the superman cape thingy has my cruising through the neighborhood, jumping over walls (kinda), and being chased by a big dog who finally managed to snag my homemade cape and proceed to shred it, whilst I made my super hero escape to some chicken soup and a bologna sandwich for lunch.

    I then went out in the back yard and stared at an airplane, trying to blow it up with my super plane blowing up eye sight. When that didn’t work, I said to myself, Hmmmm . . . Popeye n canned spinach . . . Boy, was that ever a stupid thought.

    Comment by jammer5 | August 24, 2010 | Reply

    • I think your childhood was only slightly better than mine Jammer. I also ate a lot of bologna but it was usually served with my hand. And there was no soup…no soup for me.

      Haha, I think that we all thought we had superpowers (for real) when we were that age. I used to try to perform mind control on my mom to get her to give me money and let me stay out till midnight.

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 25, 2010 | Reply

  18. Hole rocked! “Go on take everything, take everything, but my heroin,”

    As a 16 year-old girl, I ate that album up man. Kurt was cool, but when Courtney sang, Oh the angst! You listen to Live Through This the album and pretend you have a vagina and are pissed off at how the world sucks….You’ll love it!

    Comment by Lisa | August 24, 2010 | Reply

    • Hole did rock indeed Lisa. You know they ricked when they could get a 20 something(?) old man to sing ‘Doll Parts’ out loud at work. She was/is the queen of angst. She is also the queen of being fucked out of her mind at comedy central roasts. So yea, she’s a hero.

      And I often do imagine that I have a vagina but I’m not pissed off at the world. When I do that I’m usually busing sewing myself a garment made of human skin.

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 25, 2010 | Reply

      • It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.

        Comment by Lisa | August 26, 2010 | Reply

  19. Ewwwww, Courtney Love looks nasty!!!

    Steven Slater. An interesting phenomenon. The dude will probably get a book deal, a talk show and possibly a clothing line at KMart. He will for sure add at least four or five zeros to his current bank account all because he did something we all wish we could have.

    He told the world to F-Off! I think we should all do a little more of this daily. screw the kinder, gentler way of doing things.

    Comment by Candy | August 24, 2010 | Reply

    • He’ll get all of those things as well as a vice presidential bid most likely. I can see where everyone wants to do that all day, every day; I just don’t think that it should be celebrated. There are so many people out there breaking their back everyday doing jobs that they hate to keep food on the table and support their families. I think that those are the people who should be looked up to.

      Then again, I was never much of a 9 to 5’er, I just hate where our society has gone.

      Thanks Candy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 25, 2010 | Reply

  20. Woah…I can understand why the flight attendant snapped. I am often two seconds away from snapping at work and have to do instant brain-cooling exercises and retreat into my own calm, crystal cave of soothing harp music to block out of the horror of my ‘clientele’ (students.) I like your epistolary style!

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | August 25, 2010 | Reply

    • I can understand as well. I worked one job (for unbelievably good money) as a toll collector for the turnpike. If you think people are rude face to face it is nothing compared to how rude they are while ensconced in the safety of their cars.

      I used valium to cope. But the cave idea sounds great too. And thanks for the compliment, it has panache!

      Thanks Mitzi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 25, 2010 | Reply

  21. I am one of those kids that never tried to fly…scared of heights. That was discovered when I was on the roof of the house with dad and in order to get down, he had to guide each foot onto the next rung of the ladder, while keeping a hand on the middle of my back (at least he didn’t have to carry me).

    I use OpenOffice (free), you can get a British dictionary with it and it will spell properly (and it is much closer to WordPerfect, which is the best IMHO, as it has logical ways to deal with stuff). I hate Word and won’t pay for it and sadly can’t afford WP.

    Comment by Reb | August 25, 2010 | Reply

    • Being afraid of heights may have been a blessing to you Reb, saving you countless contusions, lacerations, and other fun medical words for “fuck this hurts.” And don’t feel too bad, my wife got ‘stuck’ on a tree while we were zip lining in Costa Rica. I think she may have just been angling to ride down with one of the young studs though.

      I’ll have to try both of those, thanks for the advice!

      Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 26, 2010 | Reply

  22. How is it I keep missing your updates? Oh, right, must be my stupid internet connection that keeps kicking me off and makes me unplug and replug a bunch of wires in no particular order whatsoever in the hopes that I’ll somehow turn into an IT whiz.

    But I digress. (Only because I’m probably going to be kicked off again momentarily.)

    Wonderful letters, Scott. Your seven-year old self is probably my favorite, not because of the excessive bleeding, but because the thought of you wearing spiderman pajamas and shocking the cat with your superpowers had me laughing for a good five minutes. (Which, by the way, is a really long time for someone with my attention span.)

    And I’m glad you brought up the heroes cheerleader thing. Because coming from me it would probably sound like I was just jealous.

    ps. Knowing that you’re not “a total asshole” warms the cockles of my heart.

    Comment by bschooled | August 25, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m sorry I had just assumed that you were watching eagles fly, or hearing doves cry, or getting ‘Snooki’ed’ and I didn’t want to interrupt any of those things. I’ve seen Snooki when she gets interrupted and I wanted no part of any of that.

      My seven year old self thanks you (and bleeds) profusely. He is also madly and deeply in crush with you as he finds you to be his new heroine. And that little bastard really loves his highs.

      I don’t think that it would sound like you were being catty or petty or …what did you say? Sorry, I don’t think it would sound like any of those things. I think we should get together and have a gossip/rip fest where we destroy the cheerleader (and do something with The Snooki) and thereby save the world.

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 26, 2010 | Reply

  23. bahahahha u and i wouldve got along like a house on fire when we were little tykes. loved the imagery of you shufflig ur feet on the carpet to static electrify your cat…i wont say things i did…PETA might come after me…haha but dont be alarmed there were no deaths or serious injury caused 😀

    i thought of it as … calesthenics for bunnies

    Comment by Susi Spice | August 26, 2010 | Reply

    • Tell me that wasn’t the best fun ever? When I discovered that I knew I had found my bliss. If only I still had those footed jammies, a shag rug and a longhair white cat I’d never have to leave the house again.

      I got in the most trouble when I tried to give Snowball a ‘shave.’ I would have enjoyed your bunny aerobics as well.

      Thanks Susi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 27, 2010 | Reply

  24. I really should have gotten in trouble for more impressive things when I was a kid. Dear 7 Year Old Me: Do more crazy shit. You’ll have a blog one day, and you’ll need material. Love these posts Scott!

    Comment by Megan @Momlarky | August 27, 2010 | Reply

    • Haha, I’m sure you did plenty. You just have to tap into your repressed memories. Or have a chat with an old babysitter. One of those two!

      Thanks Megan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 27, 2010 | Reply

  25. That first letter was brilliant

    Comment by Artswebshow | August 28, 2010 | Reply


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