Zodi’s Blog

Letters Between Song Characters

Jack and Diane

 

The hair tells you that he’s proud to be an American. The shirt tells you he’s proud of his arms. The 1000 yard stare tells you he’s lonely.

Dear Jack.

 I apologize for having to do this in an email, but I had to get my feelings out once and for all. I would have preferred to do this in person but every single time I try to have a serious conversation with you regarding our marriage, you start sucking on some chilli dogs outside the Tasty Freeze. The doctor has told you numerous times that your cholesterol is through the damn roof and eating spicy, greasy foods and manufactured pork products is wreaking havoc with your acid reflux. If you keep this up your heart is going to quit on you or you’re going to get that cancer of the esophagus that they warned you about.

Another thing that’s bothering me is that we can never sit anywhere without you oafishly trying to jam your hand between my knees. Jack, we’re in our 50’s for Christ sakes, it’s time to grow the fuck up and stop the ham handed groping, you know? I’m also getting really tired of you asking me to “dribble off those Bobby Brooks and let you do what you please.” First of all Bobby Brooks haven’t been made in close to 30 years. These days I mostly wear the Wal-Mart brand because it’s close and it’s all we can afford. Secondly what pleases you rarely pleases me. One second you’re promising me the sexual world and the next second you’re back in the living room eating left over chilli dogs while I’m left feeling sticky and nauseous.

Now before you start scratching your head and doing your best James Dean… sorry, but I promised myself I’d let it all out. I’ve been meaning to tell you how much that James Dean act annoys the shit out of me. It’s just fucking repulsive. It was kind of cute when you were 18 and he was only recently dead, but now it’s becoming borderline psychotic. And you really date yourself when you do that, you know? Can’t you find a new impersonation? You should see the way people look at me when you do that. With pity Jack, they look at me with pity. Maybe start doing DeNiro or Pesci, maybe Pesci from Home Alone… that might be good for a laugh.

I guess that the point I’m trying to make is that I think it’s over between us Jack. I’m just not the same debutant I was in the backseat of your car.  We were so young when we started dating, just two American kids doing the best we could. You were supposed to be a football star but you couldn’t even get a scholarship to a division three school, and we’ve always lived in the heartland so there wasn’t even that much competition. Since then you’ve shuffled from one crappy job to the next with no motivation and a growing Vicodan habit.

I just can’t take it anymore. Sorry Jack but life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone.

Thanks for wasting the best years of my life you fucking loser. My divorce lawyer will be in touch.

Diane.

Advertisements

August 27, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , ,

78 Comments »

  1. older readers may find that this helps?

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_%26_Diane

    then again, maybe not…

    Comment by gallowaygrave | August 27, 2010 | Reply

    • teehee, I was first! Getting a bit like Sickdays, need to be up early to catch the flow…

      Comment by gallowaygrave | August 27, 2010 | Reply

      • Well thank you. Any day that I get compared to Sick Days is the best day ever!

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 27, 2010 | Reply

    • But you are the oldest reader I have GG. You’ve already got one foot in the glallowgrave. -I’m just kidding I don’t know how old a gallow is.

      Thanks GG!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 27, 2010 | Reply

      • A gnats crotchet short of 56 YEARS, over half a fe87ing century…

        Comment by gallowaygrave | August 27, 2010 | Reply

        • Well damn GG, that aint half old. I thought you were, like, vampire Lestate old. Thousands of years, at least. Haha!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 27, 2010 | Reply

          • Just wait, whipper snapper, until you get this far, it FEELS like a few hundred years most days!!

            Comment by gallowaygrave | August 27, 2010 | Reply

            • I’m still hoping to get bit by a vampire.

              Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 27, 2010 | Reply

              • 56? Just a pup.

                Comment by Donald Mills | August 28, 2010 | Reply

                • Scott, seems Don is claiming the title of being your eldest commentator… But I know that…

                  Comment by gallowaygrave | August 28, 2010 | Reply

                  • I guess I’m going to have to see some ID’s here, every body now…

                    Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 28, 2010 | Reply

  2. Can’t wait for Billy Jo and Bobbie Sue…thanks for the memories, Scott! You sure can write a letter! 🙂

    Comment by elizabeth3hersh | August 27, 2010 | Reply

    • It’s almost like you can read my mind Elizabeth. It’s just uncanny!

      Maybe we should collaborate one day?

      Thanks Elizabeth!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 27, 2010 | Reply

  3. I always wondered what happened to those kids. I’d hoped that they moved into a little pink house and fought authority together with cherry bombs. I guess after you lose your hold on 16 and turn into women and men your dreams go up in smoke, like paper in fire.

    Comment by Amy | August 27, 2010 | Reply

    • And the award for best comment of the day goes to Amy! Then again you just destroyed my next 5 blog posts. -just kidding. That was brilliant!

      Thanks Amy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 27, 2010 | Reply

      • “For this award I’d like to thank my momma and Jesus . . . ”
        Aw, thanks, Scott! Glad you liked it. I actually didn’t realize that I knew so many Mellencamp songs off the top of my head.

        Comment by Amy | August 27, 2010 | Reply

        • Jesus gets so many assists. He’s like the Gretzky of the Gods. You are better than wiki, and definitely more accurate. From now on I’m coming to you for all of my JCM needs and info.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 27, 2010 | Reply

  4. Damn Diane has gotten more and more bitter over the years. What a square, man.

    Comment by Jay | August 27, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m pretty sure that’s why the heartland hates the ‘fake’ America so much. Living off corn will do that to you.

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 27, 2010 | Reply

  5. Fantastic, need more of these please Scott!!

    Comment by The Late Stork | August 27, 2010 | Reply

    • You wish is my command. I’m understudying for the role of genie this week.

      Thanks The Late Stork!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 27, 2010 | Reply

  6. I think Diane must be in menopause. What a cranky bitch!

    Comment by Rev D | August 27, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m sure that part of the problem is hormonal. But Jack was a hard guy to live with for all those years.

      Thanks Rev D!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 27, 2010 | Reply

  7. Can’t wait for you to do billy joel so I can finally figure out what the heck a bol brummer baby is.

    Comment by Bearman | August 27, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m going to do Billy Joel soon. It will be a long, convoluted, word salady one though.

      Thanks Bearman!!

      PS- I think that’s Joel speak for bright, black baby but I could be wrong.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 27, 2010 | Reply

  8. Holy shit. This is seriously so funny. I was dying when Diane reminded Jack about his cholesterol.

    I want to hear about Jack’s response to Diane though – is he going to get a divorce lawyer of his own or what? They were married in Cali, so she gets half and she seems intent on getting her due. Keep us posted.

    Comment by Vodka and Ground Beef | August 27, 2010 | Reply

    • Jack will be dying himself if he doesn’t get his ‘bad’ cholesterol under control pretty quickly. That shit is as serious as botulism.

      Knowing what I know of Jack, my guess is that he won’t have much of a written response. He’s more of a doer. My guess is that he’ll stalk her for a few months before pulling a murder suicide. Or he may surprise everyone and just take up with that slut clerk from the Tasty Freeze.

      Thanks V & GB!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 27, 2010 | Reply

  9. Good for Diane, time to stop putting up with that crap 😉

    Comment by Reb | August 27, 2010 | Reply

    • You’re right Reb; she took far too much for far too long.

      Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 27, 2010 | Reply

  10. Great idea and well done! “Pesci from Home Alone”–too good.

    Comment by Thomas Stazyk | August 27, 2010 | Reply

    • It seemed to me that if he could do Dean, he could do Pesci, at least that shticky Pesci.

      Thanks Thomas!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 28, 2010 | Reply

  11. Scott

    You oughta do your own TMZ program….I notice she didnt say anything his PINK Houses…maybe he past that phase….I would love to see you publish the Tiger-Elin letters now theres a story…….zman sends and awaits…

    Comment by zman | August 28, 2010 | Reply

  12. About time, I hate that friggin couple. Sheez, I hope it hurts so good!Hey and Diane, just be grateful the bastard changed his name to Mellencamp or you’d be a friggin Cougar!

    Comment by frigginloon | August 28, 2010 | Reply

    • I think that she’s intent on becoming a cougar, hence the divorce Loon. I hear that she’s even been spotted shopping at that Vicy’s Secret at the mall.

      Thanks Loon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 28, 2010 | Reply

  13. Can you do “Horse with No Name” next?

    Comment by nursemyra | August 28, 2010 | Reply

    • Maybe not next but it’s now in my rotation, promise!

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 28, 2010 | Reply

      • I liked your suggestion much better than mine, nursemyra. It is amazing how much humor you can pack into one liners.

        Comment by elizabeth3hersh | August 28, 2010 | Reply

  14. The problem with that household is that they let it rock and they let it roll, but the Biblebelt neither saved their souls or held Jack’s pants up.
    Great post! Your writing always cheers me up!

    Comment by Lisa | August 28, 2010 | Reply

    • I never did understand how they could live on a houseboat on the bible belt. I thought it was mostly cornfields and Methodist churches?

      Well thank you, if my writing prevents even one person from going all anthrax through the postal service then it was all worth it!

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 28, 2010 | Reply

  15. Other than for Scott’s upper lip hair, the two photos (post and side bar) are quite similar, what?

    gg

    Comment by gallowaygrave | August 28, 2010 | Reply

    • Damn, I’ve been outed again. This isn’t the first time or the first circumstance either.

      At least finding out that I’m a rich rock star will be easier on my family than what happened the last time.

      Thanks GG!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 28, 2010 | Reply

      • And the previous time(s) were when?

        Comment by gallowaygrave | August 28, 2010 | Reply

        • What my previous outings?

          Chick w/dick
          Child star turned hemophiliac
          The guy that caused the plague in 12 monkeys
          The guy that got beat up in Fight Club
          Chick without dick
          That I actually hated Life Cereal
          Had a glass jaw
          Still have a glass eye
          Page for Mark Foley
          Restroom attendant for Larry Craig
          Herbal Essences ‘rinse boy’

          The list goes on and on Dave. I have a sordid past.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 28, 2010 | Reply

          • I am very surprised that they have stayed with you this long! There are hidden depths to you sirrah!

            Comment by gallowaygrave | August 28, 2010 | Reply

            • Like the deep blue sea… filled with sharks. Just kidding, mostly.

              Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 28, 2010 | Reply

  16. This is fabulous, two bling ringed thumbs up. How about that ‘Romeo and Juliet’ from Dire Straits? At first I thought the letters would be INTER-SONG (characters from different song) rather than INTRA-SONG (characters in same song.) Happy either way, natch. Can we get a letter from Mr Dobbolina (Mister Bob Dobbolina)?

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | August 28, 2010 | Reply

    • Congratulation on your blingers. I’ve always wanted some but I could never find the cool peoples ring store.

      My guess is that by the end of all this I will have done inter, intra, extra, and maybe even more varieties of character-communication. I’ll put your request in the vault!

      Thanks Mitzi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 28, 2010 | Reply

  17. I’d like to see you tackle Abba Dabba Honeymoon. Last I heard, the Monkey and the Chimp were having some serious marital problems.

    Comment by Donald Mills | August 28, 2010 | Reply

    • This very special request is also ‘in the vault’ and will be addressed shortly. I only hope that Wiki will be more knowledgeable than I with this one.

      It’s really nice to see you again!

      Thanks Don!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 28, 2010 | Reply

      • You’ll want to watch the Debbie Reynolds/Carlton Carpenter video if you can still find it.

        All the best, Scott!

        Don

        Comment by Donald Mills | August 28, 2010 | Reply

        • Ok I just had a quick listen and you’re right. This is going to be HUGE. Perfect recomendation Don, Thanks!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 29, 2010 | Reply

  18. “Thanks for wasting the best years of my life you fucking loser. My divorce lawyer will be in touch.”

    Nice touch at the end Scott- very elegant and straight to point! I’ll keep this line on my mind… Just incase I need it one day… 🙂

    Comment by Lua | August 28, 2010 | Reply

    • I am so relieved that you didn’t find it to be too much. I am humbled and honored that you would even consider borrowing this phrase, what with the considerable verbiage at your disposal. –I mean that you are a kickass writer.

      Thanks Lua!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 28, 2010 | Reply

  19. i heard dianne was only ever using jack for his car anyway… floozy

    hehe

    Comment by Susi Spice | August 28, 2010 | Reply

    • Back in the day he was bib pimpin for sure. Now though, I heard that he’s driving an 87 Cavalier.

      Thanks Susi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 28, 2010 | Reply

  20. haha—good shiz 🙂 I actually work with a Jack and a Dianne and I’ve heard this song in their presence and I sang along while altering the lyrics to include tales of my coworkers fictional intersexualpenetrations…

    They didn’t find it amusing, obviously…

    On another note—Mellencamp blows…I’ve tried to like his music over the years but it’s not happening for me—can’t stand him…and although Jack and Diane are just 2 American kids growing up—personally, I’m not friggin’ convinced that those 2 pricks are actually doing the best that they can…

    Comment by Ron-Yves Strouteau | August 28, 2010 | Reply

    • You actually work with a Jack and Diane? Damn that would be annoying as hell, especially if they liked classic rock.. but with those two names I guess they’d have to. Jack and Diane don’t sound like rap fans to me.

      I’m a huge fan of parody, as you can tell. I’d love to hear/read that one day.

      I’ve never been too much into him either. I think his name always got on my nerves. Plus he always seemed like another Springsteen rip off to me.

      Thanks Ron!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 29, 2010 | Reply

  21. Letters Between Bloggers (damn . . . I’m not blogging anymore).

    You see, Scott? You see what happens? I’ve been working every possible hour I can on that crazy ass book, and then I take a break and tap on Bschooled’s link, and there’s a new post that has me ROFL (I just learned what that means, which is sad), and then, THEN, I tap on over to YOUR link and BAM! KAPOW! Laughing my ass off! This is a great idea that you really have to stay with, the whole “Letters Between . . . uh . . . hold it. Toggle toggle. Song Characters!” You gotta do some more. the dialogue is – yes – ROFL! Ha! I’m kidding around but not. This is serious funny shit, and so inspirational, now I’m going back to the crazy ass book. Thanks, mi amigo! WAIT! Springsteen! Now there’s a cornucopia of character songs where they would be really pathetic about now, like the guy who left his wife and kids in Baltimore, Jack, and went to Kingstown and never looked back. WTF? So many losers, so little time. Rock hard! Great post!

    Comment by Dan McGinley | August 29, 2010 | Reply

    • ‘So many losers, so little time’. Ain’t that a motto for life.

      Comment by Karen lee Thompson | August 29, 2010 | Reply

      • It is when you are a three-card monte hustler!

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 29, 2010 | Reply

    • I think you are actually on the right track Dan. While the rest of us (well me) whittle away with puerile nonsense you are doing something concrete. Or at least paper. Which beats rock anyway.

      Running Over Flaming Lesbians? I’ve known that one for a while. I’m not a kid anymore but I do try to keep up with the twitterers and sexters. To tell you the truth I don’t know why it’s so funny. Just between us it seems a little bigoted but you know how kids are.

      You’re right Springsteen is a virtual goldmine of material. Especially his folksier stuff like Johnny 99. Great idea, thanks!

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 29, 2010 | Reply

  22. Geez you are a clever bastard Scott. You’ve cheered me up again with your humour and your clever kick-ass way with words.

    Comment by Karen lee Thompson | August 29, 2010 | Reply

    • That’s a compliment-slash-insult that I can happily live with, Karen. This is a kick-ass comment!

      Thanks Karen!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 29, 2010 | Reply

  23. Poor Jack: misunderstood his whole life; no kids (good thing); retirement is the next winning lottery ticket; love life is old lady thumb and her four daughters; gravestone, if not paupered out, will say, “Here Lies Jack . . . something.”

    Damn, you age so well, Scott. Getting better all the time . . . just like a good Beatles number 🙂

    Comment by jammer5 | August 29, 2010 | Reply

    • And, hey, perhaps we could find out what Joe really did after he supposedly shot his old lady down.

      Comment by jammer5 | August 29, 2010 | Reply

      • I’ll have to go back and check but I was under the impression that he had ‘hung it up’ in prison.

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 29, 2010 | Reply

    • Wow Jammer this comment is song lyric ready. At the very least in the blues district of Chicago. (Does Chicago have a blues district? I was too drunk to remember.) Or maybe even country, they’ll pay you good money for that kind of talent!

      Unfortunately for Jack, like many other small town folk, is that he reached the pinnacle of his existence in high school. That’s been my issue as well.

      Thanks for that; I’m going to have to speak for the Walrus and maybe even Lucy as well!

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 29, 2010 | Reply

      • I saw John Cougar Mellencamp,along with Black Oak Arkansas and Iron Butterfly way back when. Hippy heaven back then.

        Comment by jammer5 | August 29, 2010 | Reply

        • I was in Chicago during their blues fest. Parking prices went from about five dollars a day to fifteen an hour. We took a cab, and the music was outrageous. Yep, Chicago is a blues town.

          Comment by jammer5 | August 30, 2010 | Reply

          • I know, I love that town. I would have considered moving there if it weren’t for the weather.

            Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 30, 2010 | Reply

        • I thought the Dead were hippy heaven but then again I wasn’t really myself at the time!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 30, 2010 | Reply

  24. And I thought that little ditty could only be exploited for life advice, I had no idea of the potential that lay in deeply embedding yourself in the psyche of the characters and writing shit slinging letters. Wonderful!

    This is a very inspiring idea Scott, the opportunities are endless! So much fun to be had…

    Comment by RubyTwoShoes | August 29, 2010 | Reply

    • I wish that I could take full credit for it, but I saw it done somewhere previously. I can’t remember where (maybe SNL, maybe The New Yorker?) but the idea isn’t as original as my others. Still, I freaking love the potential. It’s kind of like a ‘get out of jail free’ card in that you can do them quickly and with little motivation. And you’re right, they are fun as hell!

      Thanks Ruby!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 29, 2010 | Reply

  25. HA! Love LOVE this!

    It’s like you just opened a lyrical pandora’s box of kickass material (I think it is, anyway. Truth be told I’ve never really understood what a pandora’s box is, other that it always seems to be causing a lot of shit in the Big Brother house).

    I can’t even pick a favorite part, you rocked the entire song/letter/song? But I was thinking, you should totally do Meatloaf’s song next. You know, that one where he talks to himself about all the stuff he won’t do for love? It could be like a letter where he’s trying to break-up with his internal demons, but they won’t let him because they’re the ones who would do anything for love and they don’t understand why he’s being such a pussy, you know?

    (Just so you know, this makes a lot more sense in my head.)

    I hope this turns into a made-for TV movie….

    Comment by bschooled | August 29, 2010 | Reply

    • Wait, don’t say anything else. I’m still watching BB UK and I don’t want to hear any spoilers. Although you got me way too curious about Pandora. I hope she’s hot if they are going to focus on her lady wallet like that. Please be hot Pandora.

      Meatloaf yea! I did a Facebook status asking about the WTF’edness of those lyrics and all my friends loved it. I think I got like 7 comments which was a personal high at the time. I am more than interested in going back to that well. I mean, WTF won’t he do for love? It’s just so senseless.

      I’m sorry if this doesn’t make much sense. I was up half the night coughing then I took cough syrup and a valium at like 4am so now I’m all like ….this. ‘This’ being that it took me 4 tries to spell cough close enough for Word to be able to identify and fix it. Agh.

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 30, 2010 | Reply

  26. Who got the apple pie?

    Comment by Micky-T | August 29, 2010 | Reply

    • Hmmm. Would it help if I said that I know that Courtney Love is the girl with the most cake?

      PS- Diane? Final answer.

      Thanks Micky!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | August 30, 2010 | Reply


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: