Zodi’s Blog

The Love God; The Art of Amends

You’ve really messed up your relationship this time. Maybe you’ve been caught cheating. Maybe you were arrested at a gay nightclub that you thought was just a really cool looking bar but turned out to be a high priced, all male bordello. Maybe you blew the lease payment on the over of the Colts/Saints game because they both had really explosive offences and sucky defenses but you somehow forgot that Peyton Manning was really just a giant blue and white clad vagina with a helmet. Maybe your longtime crack addiction was found out when you tried to sell your neighbor’s Dalmatian puppies and got arrested and when your wife was bailing you out of jail they asked her why she was bailing out the local prostitute-for-some-crack head guy so she asked you and you finally admitted that you happen to enjoy the occasion 8-ball of rock after a hard day of felatio.  

I still have two. Only $20. You’re girlfriend will love em, come on!

We’ve all been there before and probably more than once. Maybe even as the result of worse scenarios than the ones that have never happened to me but that I used as examples. Now you need to show her that you’re sorry and convince her that nothing ‘like this’ will ever happen again. Note that it is very important to lie convincingly in these situations. If you find that you need to, lie to yourself first. This way you’ll be more convincing. If you can’t lie like a real man, I mean.  

At this stage most men would buy their partner some roses. But most men are vaginas, just like that Peyton Manning. Big quarterbacking vaginas. What are roses other than a beautiful, delicate living thing that you pay someone else to sacrifice on the altar of forgiveness just so you won’t have to sauté your own chicken breasts and hang your own track suits? (That was rhetorical; you don’t really have to answer.)  

Well fuck that. You don’t need some other person to do your killing for you. You can do your own killing and on a grander scale! If you live in a rural area, you need to grab your shotgun from your pickup truck and go kill something. Now bring the carcass back like a cat (you are the cat in this scenario) would do to make its owner proud. The bigger the better. If you can kill and drag home a bear you are guaranteed forgiveness. This tactic will appeal to her subconscious, cavewoman-like craving for an alpha male. You are demonstrating that while you may gamble away the kid’s college fund, or pawn the household electronics for drug money, the family will always be stocked up in bear steaks and fireplace pelts.  

If you happen to live in an urban area just substitute ‘derelict’ for ‘bear’ and ‘body’ with ‘carcass’ and you have pretty much the same thing. Although the fireplace pelt won’t look as homey or be as comfy to have sex on as the bearskin, in all honesty.  

Not a good place for your naked ass.

Another option for gaining forgiveness is to offer her a bribe. Obviously this option isn’t quite as viable if you are a gambler or a crackhead because if that’s the case you’re pretty much broke. Why else would you have been prostituting yourself and selling stolen puppies? But if you do have money just ask her how much it’ll take to make it “like all this never happened?” It may surprise you how a little cash can buy you a lot of amends. This tactic will work especially well if your partner is a prostitute as well.      

Another idea is to take her on an impromptu vacation. This is a prudent course of action anyway if you’ve just murdered a derelict for sport. A word of caution though; if you are a gambler, a sex fiend or drug addict do NOT take her to Vegas, Morocco or Thailand, or you will wind up swimming upstream in a river of fucked. And not the good kind, believe me.  

Not a good destination for people like you.

Or you could simply introduce her to your world. This lazy but effective choice is perfect for leveling the playing field. If you are a crackhead simply start adding little pieces of crack to her cigarettes. She’ll be addicted in no time and *she will no longer be mad at you. *Although we’ve had preliminary success we need more extensive case studies before we can guarantee this result.      

The last option that I am personally aware of is to tell her that you’ve just found out from your doctor that you have an especially virulent, infectious and fast acting (I’m hoping all those medical words don’t mean the same thing) strain of AIDS and that she “definitely” has it too, and that you are both going to die within three months. Spend the next day or two being sensitive and giving her some space to process the news. When you sense that she has accepted her fate, look her in deeply in the eyes, flash your winningest smile and say, “Sike.”  

She’ll have a new lease on life and you’ll have next month’s lease money to play online poker.  

My screen name is Zodikllr. Like the zodiac killer? Because it sounds intimidating.

I’m going to address questions in the next Love God post so please give me some more. They need to be about anything relating to relationships and/or sex. You know that my advice can only help you and make the world a better place in the process, so what are you waiting for?

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September 2, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , ,

68 Comments »

  1. That guy flipping us off. Is that Jack Nicholsen…man he really gets into his roles.

    Comment by Bearman | September 2, 2010 | Reply

    • You know, now that you mention it I think it is him. Damn did he let himself go for that part.

      Thanks Bearman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 2, 2010 | Reply

  2. See, this is exactly why I fly solo. I’m never lonely and no one ever has to make amends. Besides, me and bschooled are best beotches and we’re collaborating on books (too busy for relationships). Hehe.

    Comment by elizabeth3hersh | September 2, 2010 | Reply

    • You certainly have the right idea. The only thing is… I want in. I can be a beotch too. Even a best beotch. I’ll work at it and everything. Please? I need someone to collaborate with. I don’t have the organizational skills to finish a book alone.

      Thanks Elizabeth!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 2, 2010 | Reply

  3. I would probably try the “introduce her to your world” approach first. I would take her to a strip club and buy her a few lap dances. Next thing you know she will leave me for the stripper and I won’t have to worry about disappointing her again. I think it’ll work!

    Comment by Jay | September 2, 2010 | Reply

    • That is a brilliant choice Jay. I’ve been friends with a few strippers in my time and believe me if you introduce them to new ‘friends’ you will have access to the best party favors in the club 24/7. Before you know it, you’ll forget all about your lost love interest.

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 2, 2010 | Reply

  4. Interesting that you direct this towards men and not women.. oh, wait, that’s right, it’s neigh on impossible to upset a dude enough to have to make much amending other than a really good blow job. You guys are *so* easy! (Amen!)

    Comment by Desert Rat | September 2, 2010 | Reply

    • OH my god you just reminded me how much I have to divorce my wife and marry you. And you know how I can hold a grudge. But I’m not *that* easy. Or maybe I am.

      This will be interesting!

      Thanks Dessert Rat!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 2, 2010 | Reply

  5. Wow, those are really good suggestions! I’ll have to give some serious thought as to which way to go – once she’s done whacking the back of my head with the frying pan!

    Comment by IzaakMak | September 2, 2010 | Reply

    • Your case is apparently even easier Izaakmak. All you need to do is get a restraining order against abuse and the whole house and everything in it is yours to do your thing with!

      Thanks Izaakmak!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 2, 2010 | Reply

      • Somehow, I doubt I’d get off that easy. My “precious one” will demand a VERY public trial, where I’d have to explain about the… And the… OMG, I’m afraid to even think it! 😯

        Comment by IzaakMak | September 2, 2010 | Reply

        • Personally I’ve always found that humiliation, even public humiliation is always ok if it is followed by lots and lots of cash. You should consider your options.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 3, 2010 | Reply

  6. ‘Swimming upstream in a river of fucked’. I have spent quite a bit of of time there in the past. I just never knew what to call the place.

    Comment by karen lee thompson | September 2, 2010 | Reply

    • That’s only one name for it. Other names are jail, the hospital, the morgue, ‘some guy’s trunk,’ and South Florida.

      Thanks Karen!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 3, 2010 | Reply

      • What hospital? surely not the gimcrack?

        Comment by nursemyra | September 3, 2010 | Reply

        • No, the Gimcrack is like a little piece of heaven filled with beautiful angels and dripy opiates!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 3, 2010 | Reply

          • Ha! I wish…. the angels part may be true but boy oh boy do they make us work for those opiates…

            Comment by nursemyra | September 4, 2010 | Reply

            • Well if you need an extra hand, I’m always available. I don’t mind working for my medicine!

              Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 4, 2010 | Reply

  7. Vagina with a helmet? The mind boggles.

    Comment by Thomas Stazyk | September 2, 2010 | Reply

    • me thinks this “alleged” vagina is a bigboy to annoy?

      http://www.nfl.com/players/peytonmanning/profile?id=MAN515097

      gg

      Comment by gallowaygrave | September 3, 2010 | Reply

      • I realize that he may look more like a penis GG, but I can assure you that he is, in fact, a giant vagina. If he were a penis he’d have another 2 or 3 super bowls under his belt, intead of just more vagina.

        Thanks GG!!

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 3, 2010 | Reply

    • And I’ve gotten vagina playing boggle. Oh wait, no, that was scrabble.

      Thanks Thomas!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 3, 2010 | Reply

  8. Having an old lady that can skin a cougar in the dark might, or might not, have a bearing on shooting something to bring home as a bribe. Just don’t combine the aids thingy and the game thingy, because she can probably shoot the eyes out of a squirrel at two hundred yards, and I know I can’t run that fast, bro.

    You know, Payton IS a vagina with a helmet. Maybe if the gets that yeast infection fixed . . .

    Comment by jammer5 | September 3, 2010 | Reply

    • Yea thank god that I’ve always went for the more liberal types. When I say liberal I mean opposed to guns and the death penalty and pro health care and needle exchange. Because I try to only date heroin addicted prostitutes. If I can help it. I screwed up with this last chick though. She’s normal.

      3 more super bowls.

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 3, 2010 | Reply

      • Ya, those normal chicks are so . . . normal. They kinda make ‘Swimming upstream in a river of fucked’ pointless, and where’s the squishilly fucked fun in that?

        Comment by jammer5 | September 3, 2010 | Reply

  9. I love bribes, good AIDS sikes, and when my lovers make mistakes and then bring me the bodies of drifters, so I think you have your finger on the pulse of all women’s hearts. But I’m not surprised.

    Comment by Vodka and Ground Beef | September 3, 2010 | Reply

    • I thought you might love all those things. I sensed an immediate kinship (I hope that doesn’t mean related?) with you.

      Sometimes I have my finger on the pulse of passed out drifters too. (Sometimes you don’t even have to kill them, on account of their lifestyle.)

      Thanks V & GB!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 3, 2010 | Reply

  10. PUPPIES!

    Comment by Siren | September 3, 2010 | Reply

    • I still have 2. Only $20!

      Thanks Siren!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 3, 2010 | Reply

  11. So what they say is true: you really ARE the love god!

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | September 3, 2010 | Reply

    • What finally sold you? It was the vacation advice wasn’t it? I know how you like to travel!

      Thanks Mitzi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 3, 2010 | Reply

  12. Ah-ha! I suspected someone had secretly been adding crack to my ice cream.

    Comment by thoughtsappear | September 3, 2010 | Reply

    • Ha! I should have suspected that myself. The way I keep going back, and back, and back for the banana and choco fugdge. I need a hit right now.

      Thanks Thoughtsappear!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 3, 2010 | Reply

  13. Sheez, having make up sex in front of the fire on the carcass of a homeless dude I killed is probably gonna get me a whole big river of fucked. But thanks for the advice!!!

    Comment by frigginloon | September 3, 2010 | Reply

    • Yea, but at least it will be the good kind of fucked. Unless the cops show up before you get your ass to holiday land. Remember, no Thailand though.

      Thanks Loon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 3, 2010 | Reply

  14. Once in a burned out VW shell sitting atop cinder blocks in a back yard on a distant southern island, in the wee hours of the morning while hitting on a crack pipe with three local guys, I thought to myself…wooooh dude, you could end up in a raging river of fucked if you get caught here white boy! I GOT TO GO!

    Comment by Micky-T | September 3, 2010 | Reply

    • Revelations, moments of clarity, and serendipity all come in the most astonishing places and at the weirdest times don’t they Micky? Those camper vans are roomy though, at least!

      Thanks Micky!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 3, 2010 | Reply

      • It was a bug!

        Comment by Micky-T | September 4, 2010 | Reply

        • Oh, not so roomy then. Still… good times!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 4, 2010 | Reply

  15. I . . . I got nuthin. You’re too awesome!

    Comment by Amy | September 3, 2010 | Reply

    • Well that is one hell of a compliment!

      Thanks Amy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 3, 2010 | Reply

  16. Scott…I had an early morning dream today featuring you and your pet bear. What is your deal with bears lately anyway? So in this dream we are all enjoying a pool, including the bear, (it’s a dream sequence…just nod along) at the home of some friends I hardly ever see. You are smoking like a fiend IN the pool (nodding, nodding) and I am playing with the bear (sure). My kids are also present and I eventually tell the anecdote about returning about 6 bottles of sunscreen to Target because, like the people who continually buy mayonnaise, I always think I’m running out but never am.

    I got nuthin.

    BTW, I am an avid reader of your postings…I am working up the guts to comment more often.

    Comment by Mick_Chick | September 3, 2010 | Reply

    • What the deal with bears? They are walking, swimming, climbing, flying(?) furballs of lethal bitey, clawy death. Right now they are only being outshone by zombies on the cool kid circuit.

      So what was I smoking?

      Did I look good in a banana hammock?

      I love that anecdote!

      Well thank you. I hope you continue to comment more, yours are hilarious!

      Thanks Mick_Chick!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 3, 2010 | Reply

      • I am mortally terrified of bears…they have been a recurring haunt of my dreams since I can remember! Only thing I am more afraid of are dogs but really bears are king terrors because I’m pretty sure a bear won’t just go away when you yell at it cuz it’s sniffing your ass.

        Smoking a cigarette? I don’t know, my dreams are not that specific so if you want, picture yourself smoking whatever you please but just keep it out of the pool because it’s simply foolish. And really, your attire did not make the directors cut upon waking…sorry.

        PS: met a woman yesterday with the same birthday as mine…it’s always weird to me how when two Pisceans meet it’s like martians finding each other

        Comment by Mick_Chick | September 5, 2010 | Reply

        • No bears are a sight more burdensome than crotch (or ass) sniffing dogs. I’ve never had a dream about one, thank God but I’ve been afraid of them since I was a child as well. I think I was on one of those guided zoo tours and they told us (5 year olds) about their razor sharp claws and ability to swim, climb and basically just hunt you down and murder you. Ever since then I’ve had this inexplicable fear.
          I only asked because you said that I was smoking nonstop in the pool. I was wondering if it was something more interesting than cigarettes. I haven’t smoked anything in a long time…!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 5, 2010 | Reply

          • guess you never went to a Care Bears movie, then.

            Comment by Lisa | September 6, 2010 | Reply

            • Haha, and I never will. I never cared for that Grizly Adams fellow either.

              Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 6, 2010 | Reply

  17. All good suggestions, but you do realize that the concept of a man making amends to a woman is complete and utter malarkey because women never, ever, EVER forget how you’ve fucked up, even if we’ve allegedly “forgiven” you. Sometimes I wish I was a dude so that when things were over, they could truly be over and not just squashed down to a deep dark place where it will continue to fester until one day it all explodes and I probably die of a stress aneurysm. Yay!

    Comment by Megan @Momlarky | September 3, 2010 | Reply

    • Ahh, see Megan I do know this to be true. Remember my last post? It’s that Italian and Irish vengeance seeking, seething, boiling blood that runs through my veins as well. Or maybe I just have the soul of the sacred feminine? One of those two things.

      Honestly I couldn’t forgive a major offence like cheating. It is just not in my nature.

      Thanks Megan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 3, 2010 | Reply

  18. Scott

    There is truly nothing better then living in rural place and killing something to blow off steam….lol..I really believe the best amends is either Cash or Diamonds…that the tony soprano way hahahah..but all good suggestions here…….zman sends

    Comment by zmanowner | September 3, 2010 | Reply

    • Cash and diamonds even work on my and I can hold one hell of a grudge. Tony Soprano is like a father to me. Actually I think I may be his bastard son but that is a whole nother post.

      Thanks Zmanowner!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 5, 2010 | Reply

  19. thank you so much for the description of Peyton! it will make looking at him so much easier now – just a giant vagina wearing a helmet

    as for amends – I guess when I was younger I was a bit demanding
    my ex asked what he truly had to do to make it up to me and said – “just fucking kill yourself, please”
    he never did follow direction so I had to leave

    Comment by dianne | September 3, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m glad that you can appreciate the visual Dianne! It takes a special kind of woman to even try to see that.

      That story you just told reminds me to never, ever forget why I love you so damn much. That sounds like something I would say.

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 3, 2010 | Reply

  20. in the hypothetical sense if this was autobiographical in anyway…i wouldnt recommend Bali either… haha

    Comment by Susi Spice | September 4, 2010 | Reply

    • Haha, purely hypothetical and not in the least autobiographical, I can assure you. So drugs are cheap huh? And they have righteous waves, and beautiful women….

      I’m so there.

      Thanks Susi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 4, 2010 | Reply

  21. Scott, I don’t know how you do it… You always give the best advice!!! You have to tell me how you do it!
    Until you do, I’m making my boyfriend read this post, I think it has everything we need to fix our relationship 😉

    Comment by Lua | September 4, 2010 | Reply

    • Well thank you Lua. The best way that I can describe it that by leaving my mind and soul completely blank when I begin to write, and then by just typing my stream of consciousness the perfect advice and answers simply must come through me into the world.

      Or I just attempt to amuse you!

      Thanks Lua!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 4, 2010 | Reply

  22. Despite this priceless advice, it is going to take me some time to rid myself of the image of some American footballer being “a giant blue and white clad vagina with a helmet”. But thats ok, I’m in no hurry, I love giant vaginas….

    Comment by RubyTwoShoes | September 5, 2010 | Reply

    • Don’t rush it Ruby. Just allow the healing to occur naturally, in its own time.

      It’s weird because I usually love vaginas as well, but this one prickles(?) the shit out of me. Any vagina that keeps throwing interceptions at the goal line will annoy me, I suppose.

      Thanks Ruby!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 5, 2010 | Reply

      • “Any vagina that keeps throwing interceptions at the goal line”

        I don’t want to know; except I do, WTF does this mean?

        gg

        Comment by gallowaygrave | September 5, 2010 | Reply

        • Just another American football reference GG.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 5, 2010 | Reply

  23. Thanks Scott,

    You said most men were “vaginas”….and here I thought most men were “dicks”.

    I had it all wrong! lol.

    Comment by trishothinks | September 5, 2010 | Reply

    • I guess that like real genatilia, the genatilia archetypes in the human population are divided pretty equally. I’ve met more than my share of women who were dicks as well. Keeps life interesting though!

      Thanks Trish!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 6, 2010 | Reply

  24. Great post aqs always, my good man! i have no idea what to say about helmet-wearing vaginas or making love on dead homeless people. your talent for advice-giving overwhelms me. i’m pretty sure though that I would be a tad irked if someone siked me on virulent aids, but I’d forgive if it was just syphillis. You know how it goes.

    just saw your post today, somtimes i overlook emails 😦

    Comment by Lisa | September 6, 2010 | Reply

    • The good news is that you don’t have to say anything about a helmet wearing vagina; you just have to avoid making wagers based on them. And I would completely avoid sex on a dead homeless person, I hear they carry scabies.

      Well thankfully you just let the entire virtual world in on your personal rules of Sike so I can’t see anybody making that mistake. Not after this!

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 6, 2010 | Reply


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