Zodi’s Blog

Very Serious Questions

I’m going to Paris tomorrow morning so I won’t be around for a little over a week. I won’t be setting foot anywhere near an internet if I can help it. What I will be doing is looking for the eccentric millionaire widow that will keep me ‘kept,’ since I never did find her in Florence. She was there but I think she was just playing it cool and biding her time until I went to Paris so she could sink her hooks into me in La Ville-Lumière. I also plan to find out how Jim Morrison really died as well. My preliminary opinion is that he was murdered by heroin loving aliens that were conjured (do you conjure an alien?) by his witch girlfriend Patricia Kennealy. Like an intergalactic hit. Or maybe it had something to do with Che Guevara. The point is, I’m going to find out.

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He’s trying to tell us something with his beardy squinting. I think….Che?

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So for today I’m going to keep it simple. This may seem like a quick, cheap post that kept me from having to actually think about what I was typing. I can assure you that it is. But it’s also important because these questions have been bothering me anywhere from 30 years to 5 minutes ago. If any of you are able to answer any of these questions then you will be awarded 10 points per answer. You will have to use the honor system sinse I don’t know if you are right or not. So if you know you’re right, then you give yourself the points. Whoever has the most points at the end of the game fucking WINS! You will be the Winner. And you can’t beat that with stupid cash money!  

-Are old men really that judgmental or does dying just hurt like hell and cause them to grimace?

-Why do so many dumb people think that they are smart? And I’m not buying the Dunning Kruger effect either. That only applies to a specific field. I’m talking in sweeping generalities here. 

-Why is pop music in Europe so ridiculously bad?

-Why are there no baby pigeons?

-Why don’t you ever hear about baby shark attacks? Some surfer gets a big toe gnawed off or something. You know, like a puppy would do if the puppy were a shark. 

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Cute but deadly. Ok, only cute.

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-If you are sailing around the world, when does east become west? This is probably a dumb question but I know even less about navigating that I know about farming.

-Why do girls happily walk around in a bikini all day but get all “everyone is trying to eye rape me” when they are in a bra and panties? Don’t ask me why they were in their bra and panties, it’s just hypothetical. Oh wait, no it’s not. I remember why this upsets me. It’s like when one of my girlfriends forgot her bathing suit and we stopped at a nearly empty beach but she still wouldn’t get in with me even though we had plenty of towels and then after I got in she made me feel guilty for making us late to her cousin’s barbecue. So what is the difference anyway?   

-What in the hell happened to Tom Selleck? Does he still have the stash?

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It’s like a chinchilla died on his face!

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-How do certain animals know to cross the road only at their own designated crossings? I’ve never seen a deer at an alligator crossing and I’ve taken many trips through the Everglades.

-Why are there no Asian or Eastern European cops? Is it a coincidence that those are two of the areas that we used to be hostile with? You don’t see any Muslim cops either come to think of it. Hmmm.    

-Why is Waldo wanted? Why isn’t there a reward offered? It would certainly help.

-After you fill your car’s gas tank why does the first half last almost forever but the second half run like Usain Bolt would run if he took more steroids that were mixed with meth?

-Who buys grapes with seeds and why?

-Did Z Cavaricci invest his profits from the first two years? I hope so.

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They are ten times worse than I remember them.

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-After you have exploding diarrhea for two days staight it seems like at least your stomach should be nice and flat but it never is. It’s always puffy and bloated. Why? There should be some benifit.

-Why, even though I have a slight grasp of the laws of physics and the gravitation pull of the earth, do I picture people on the other side of the earth standing upside down?

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September 9, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , ,

37 Comments »

  1. Those are all really good questions but I have only two answers for you. Tom Selleck is going to be in a new show this fall called Blue Bloods (cop drama) and he does have the stash but he trimmed it.

    Woohoo! 20 points. What do I get now?

    Comment by Rev D | September 9, 2010 | Reply

  2. Scott, I am so jealous!!! OMG, you are going to Paris!! Please do not use the Internet the entire time you are there. As a matter of fact, I’m not going to answer any of your (intriguing!!) questions so as to not give you an excuse to check in. Carpe diem and enjoy the hell out of yourself!! Au revoir! You lucky bastard!

    Comment by elizabeth3hersh | September 9, 2010 | Reply

  3. I may have the answer for some of these highly thought-provoking questions of yours.
    1) bikinis are not the same as bras and panties – although they may look similar to bikinis, bras and panties are see-through when wet!
    2) Yes, Tom Selleck still has his famous ‘stache. He’s on a new cop show called “Blue Bloods” or something like that.
    3) The bloating you get from ‘the runs’ is probably b/c you’re dehydrated and have nothing in your stomach. Ironic, I know.

    Comment by gazingatnavels | September 9, 2010 | Reply

  4. HA!! I had a pair of Z Cav’s in every damn color possible.

    And yes, I’m sure I looked fascinatingly horrible in them.

    Comment by Candice | September 9, 2010 | Reply

  5. Could you email me a pic of the top of the Eiffel Tower. My wife was too chicken to go all the way to the top so we only made it about 2/3 of the way between level one and level 2 before she got all woozy and stuff.

    Comment by Bearman | September 9, 2010 | Reply

  6. Damn, I was hoping I would be first with the news about Tom Selleck. Also he’s been doing the movie versions of Robert Parker’s Jesse Stone books. They show them on TV sometimes.

    I wish I knew why dumb people think they are smart! Maybe it’s those damn celebrity Jeopardy tournaments… knowing the answers on Jeopardy always makes ME feel smart.

    Comment by Megan @Momlarky | September 10, 2010 | Reply

  7. Good questions to ponder. You better not link up with the millionare lady or we’ll be calling you Rodrigo!

    Anyway have a great trip and give Mr. Mojo a fist bump for me. A pilgrimage to Pere Lachase was the first thing I did the first time I went to Paris–my travel companions didn’t get it.

    Comment by Thomas Stazyk | September 10, 2010 | Reply

  8. -Are old men really that judgmental or does dying just hurt like hell and cause them to grimace?

    Because we’ve seen and rememb . . . what the fuck was the question, damn it? Don’t you young whippersnappers know how to even as . . . what the fuck was the question, damn it?

    Comment by jammer5 | September 10, 2010 | Reply

    • good one jammer… whatever the question was!

      (PS Enjoy Paris, zodi that is, or scott???)

      Comment by gallowaygrave | September 10, 2010 | Reply

      • Both – split personality.

        Comment by jammer5 | September 11, 2010 | Reply

  9. Have fun stormin’ the Bastille. Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | September 10, 2010 | Reply

  10. we we …..East and West meet at 0 (zero).

    Comment by Micky-T | September 10, 2010 | Reply

  11. Paris Baby!!
    Have a great time
    Make sure you take in some fashion shows
    Men who can do the supermodel pony walk are very sexy

    Comment by dianne | September 10, 2010 | Reply

  12. You’re going to a country with pancakes!! (Well, crepes, anyway.) You took my advice!

    Comment by mewithd | September 10, 2010 | Reply

  13. The 2nd half of the tank is smaller?

    Here in the land of Red Serge and not ever keeping anything even remotely traditional, the uniform code for the RCMP has been altered to allow the wearing of Turbans instead of either the dress Stetson or the working cap. We are so f&*king PC here it makes me sick sometimes.

    Oh and it’s not just old men that get judgemental!

    Enjoy Paris 😉

    Comment by Reb | September 10, 2010 | Reply

  14. OKLAHOMA,OKLAHOMA,OKLAHOMA!!!! You need a Ruprect sidekick “gig” to play off of the rich weemons heartstrings before they will throw their proverbial panties and literal worldly valuables at you. You freely admit dapper & debonair left you at the station so…..think about it.

    There are no baby pigeons because I go out of my way to step on them when I can….kinda like a crunchy leaf. Rats with wings…carrying diseases…begging for my chips….

    safe trip!

    Comment by Mick_Chick | September 10, 2010 | Reply

  15. I once saw a list of everywhere you’d been and I was totally like ‘WTF?’ How do you get around so much? You’ve been around the world more times than Rodrigo. You must be in the mafia or are Harry Potter grown up but still with a broom to get around.

    I hope y’all have a safe journey, please take care. The rest of us will wait here.

    Comment by Lisa | September 11, 2010 | Reply

    • PS, if your wanderlust is a personal thing, please by all means, kindly disregard when you return from your quest. I do hope you aren’t eating some of that weird-ass French food right now, though. Mon Dieu!

      Comment by Lisa | September 11, 2010 | Reply

  16. Re that second last question. My informed medical opinion is that you’re pregnant – congratulations!

    Comment by nursemyra | September 11, 2010 | Reply

  17. Ok, ok … you have some good questions, but you did miss this vital one – why do you have to dry-clean raincoats?

    Comment by Annie (Lady M) x | September 11, 2010 | Reply

  18. Yay! Scott is pregnant!!!The wonders of modern medicine never cease.

    Comment by Lisa | September 11, 2010 | Reply

  19. I’m with Elizabeth, the news of yr going to Paris totally eclipses the need to know why some people eat grapes with seeds in them, and I second the “lucky bastard” bon voyage!! (probably a bit late at this point, but still, I wish you find the best looking beret on the best looking french chick while you sip on the best tasting cappuccino!)

    Comment by RubyTwoShoes | September 11, 2010 | Reply

  20. ok this is fun! hehe lets ‘av a go ey gov?

    Q) Are old men really that judgmental or does dying just hurt like hell and cause them to grimace?
    A) I think its the realisation that theyve spent 30+ years with the wrong woman, then realise that upon death… they will get to spend the afterlife with her as well..

    Q) Why is pop music in Europe so ridiculously bad?
    A) The world and life is always in balance… America has awesome pop music but the shittiest food ive ever eaten…Europe has the shittiest pop music but damn their culinary skills are nearly unmatched.

    Q) Who buys grapes with seeds and why?
    A) When i do buy grapes with seeds i usually buy them so that i can use the pips to spit at unassuming patrons at the movie theatre …doesnt everyone??

    have fun in gay paris!!!

    remember… ‘je suis australian’ is the what you need to answer if they ask where you are from…if you dont want your food spat into or worse if they know ur american haha dont say Brit either they hate them too

    lol

    Comment by Susi Spice | September 12, 2010 | Reply

  21. Did you mean “Where’s Wally?”? That picture book with the skinny dude in a red and white jumper? It’s funny that he has an American persona. In Australia, a “Wally” is someone who tries to be funny but ends up seeming plain old silly. So for this reason, wallies don’t need a Wanted sign or Reward bounty, because his hiding is really revenge for everyone thinking he’s silly, instead of a wise-cracking, witty smart-alec. Of course, as a result of Where’s Wally, the silliness of Wally is cemented for ever.

    As for the other answers, I am still questioning. I have never been a bikini-wearer, and morally disapprove of scantily clad women; I’d prefer them to devote their bikini-clad time to serving drinks in dyke bars.

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | September 12, 2010 | Reply

  22. I’m sorry, did you mean to say that “WE’RE” going to Paris?? My bags are packed, and I have cold cream on my face so that it’ll be nice and refreshed for the flight. I’m sure you’ll be sending a car for me.

    I love that pigeons question. I do believe I have NEVER seen one. Maybe you’ll see on in Paris – I’m pretty sure the gypsies have them hidden somewhere.

    Bon voyage!

    Comment by Vodka and Ground Beef | September 13, 2010 | Reply

  23. Paris? Field trip! Is the check-in desk at the airport holding my ticket? No? You’re buying me something cool then, right?

    Comment by thoughtsappear | September 13, 2010 | Reply

  24. Didn’t Tom Selleck marry Monica From friends to prove he wasn’t gay?

    Comment by frigginloon | September 14, 2010 | Reply

    • No I think he married Kevin Kline in In and Out to prove he was!

      Comment by Thomas Stazyk | September 14, 2010 | Reply

  25. We always wonder why the word “panties” sounds so ridiculous when people say it out loud. Panties.

    So we tell our mom to shut up.

    We love this blog!

    Comment by Hippest Snippets | September 14, 2010 | Reply

  26. No internet hmm after the first few days should be OK. Paris sounds nice pick me up some gold or silver trinket. Watch for bed bugs. Does Paris have bed bugs. I saw a baby shark once in Hawaii, baby pigions couldn’t tell you I may have to research that one. Enjoy your time in Paris

    Comment by starlaschat | September 14, 2010 | Reply

  27. lol.
    I dont have any answers.
    I guess i lose then. lol

    Comment by Artswebshow | September 14, 2010 | Reply

  28. Jim Morrison’s grave is in the most beautiful cemetary I have ever seen. I know, that sounds weird but it’s true. Now you’d think that our boy Jim would have a fabulous monseleum, or some FABU crypt or some shit to keep “that filthy drug addict”‘s remains safe. (that is the name by which my son calls Jim Morrison..long but entirely cute story for another day)

    Nope, Jim had the most basic of gravestones. James Douglas Morrison’s gravestone had sad metal partitions to hold back the crowds and his headstone was strewn with flowers, cigarettes and condoms.

    Comment by Candy | September 15, 2010 | Reply

  29. can you find me a sugar daddy while you are there?

    Comment by Siren | September 15, 2010 | Reply

  30. I want a rich French “sugar daddy” too…..should be easy, as they hang out together.

    Looking forward to my gift…lol.

    Comment by trishothinks | September 16, 2010 | Reply

  31. I can only handle like 1 or 2 of those. As far as Tom Selleck goes, he’s a god – and will always be around. I think he’s currently trying to obtain cult status as the new “Chuck Norris” of Chuck Norris jokes.

    And dumb people think they’re smart simply because they’re dumb – it’s one of those that is cyclical and answers itself.

    Oh well, that’s all I’m good for. Great blog by the way; glad I found it!

    Comment by Dr. Cynicism | September 19, 2010 | Reply

  32. True story: I saw “The Guess Who” and gave that singer a shot of whiskey between songs, and he was kind of a “poor man’s Jim Morrison”, which would be . . . poor me! And (hold your breath), I partied with a Jim Morrison impersonator-singer for a tribute band and we got in a nasty argument, because he was so drunk and egotistical (i.e. a perfect impersonator). So there! My life is all second pickings and big misses. Yay. I hope you get some serious mojo out of that trip! Does a trip to Providence, RI count as anything special? They have gondolas! I drove past the big blue bug on the exterminator’s business!

    Comment by Dan McGinley | September 20, 2010 | Reply


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