Zodi’s Blog

French Wisdom

First of all I wanted to thank all of you for the holiday well wishes. They must have done a world of good because we had an amazing time and I barely awkwarded myself at all. Paris is a city that I could live in provided that don’t mind ending up a clinically obese alcoholic/addict, perverted diabetic homeless tramp with a speech impediment and chronic gout. So I’m thinking that, yea, I’ll end up there at some point.

Unfortunately there was no girl with a fucked up face for me to befriend. Fortunately everyone in the whole city seemed to be ridiculously attractive. So attractive that they made me feel almost less attractive (which shouldn’t really be possible, given my way over the top level of attractiveness) by comparison. Even the men were, like, hot. I’ve never been afraid to admit when guys were good looking, I’m comfortable enough with my sexuality for that (if you know a man who says that they don’t know if Brad Pitt is good looking or not because he’s ‘another dude’ then the man you know is gay and afraid to admit it.) but there were men there that I found myself starring at. Not in like an “I want him inside me so bad I could just shudder” kind of way but in a “God Damn that’s a pretty adult male specimen” kind of way. And the women were worse. Women so goddamnmed pretty that you could sit down and write a poem about how much you’d sacrifice just to be graced with a glimmer of their smile. And you don’t even write poetry. And you’re not really the sacrificial type. I mean, you won’t even share your Pellegrino with your wife who is clearly dehydrated and fainty. She should have bought her own sparkly water.

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They were all really, really, really, ridiculously good looking.

 

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I’m pleased to report that by using my sick investigative journalism skills, I have indeed found the real story behind Jim Morrison’s untimely demise. Right after I get the official ‘thanks but no thanks’ call from TMZ and the ‘not this time but feel free to submit in the future’ letter from The Enquirer, I’ll be breaking the story right here on this very blog!       

 I don’t have any interesting, awkward stories to share with you; I only have the little nuggets of wisdom I was able to glean from my trip to La Ville-Lumiere.      

– If you go to a club called the Marquis De Sade do not order the happy ending massage. It will be neither happy nor a massage.

– Baguettes are just really expensive hoagies.

– Fresh pastries are really fucking good.

– French military don’t like having their picture taken. Nor do they like being called Frenchy, Toast or Fry. The do like slamming the butts of their riffles into ‘independent journalist’s’ abdomens though. They like that a lot.

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But they are so photogenic..?

 

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– If you go to a spectacle (strip club) don’t buy your wife a lap dance and then let them go off together to ‘chat.’ It will end badly for you. And by ‘end badly’ I mean that you won’t see your wife again for weeks(?). Please come home hunny bunny I bought you your own sparkling water! Also I don’t know how to change this colostomy bag…?   

– Contrary to popular belief French whores aren’t especially pungent with perfume. If anything I find their scent to be an understated, pleasant aroma with just a touch of jasmine.

– Even though I only spent a week in the country I now consider myself to be an authority on all things French. And I’ve found that Nicholas Sarcozy is a slimy, rodent-like creature of ill-repute. You heard it here first.

– Surprisingly they don’t use a QWERTY keyboard. Going back to the hunt and peck days of not that long ago really, really, really sucked.           

– The Seine is colder than it looks. And deeper.

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Victories Secret is run by LIARS.

 

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– French maids don’t dress, look or act at all like we Americans were led to believe.

– While the French are grateful for America having saved their ass in the second world war, they are, “Not that grateful.” 

– Despite the country’s track record in war the French soldiers that I encountered did not back down. And they don’t mind the sight of blood on their gun butts, hands, elbows knees or boots either.

– The Metro line in Paris was the best and most efficient public transportation system that I’ve ever experienced. You could get anywhere in the city within minutes. And it was a great place to stare in a totally non-gay way at all the ridiculously good looking people.

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Buddha kept me calm. Buddha and Xanex. Mostly Xanex.

 

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 – The meditation room and Buddha statue in our garden area totally kept me from going all Chuck Norris on those French Fry Military Walking Vaginas who thought they were so tough because they had guns and were trained in the killing arts and were like 250 pounds of pure, well moisturized muscle and happened to look amazingly handsome in a beret.

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September 22, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , ,

71 Comments »

  1. I get first comment; better go back and read the post!

    Comment by Dave Hambidge | September 22, 2010 | Reply

    • Yea, that’s always a plus.

      Thanks Dave!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 23, 2010 | Reply

  2. The Seine is colder than it looks. And deeper. OMG, WHAT did you do?

    Comment by Dave Hambidge | September 22, 2010 | Reply

    • Oh, I just took a pee from the Pont Notre Dame bridge when I made that observation.

      Thanks Dave!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 23, 2010 | Reply

  3. Well, might take this comment:
    Where the fuck is my 100K and Natalie Portman’s lips? This stiffy might only las . . .damn it . . . it’s gone.

    Comment by jamminjohn | September 22, 2010 | Reply

    • Damn, sorry Jammer. Portman stole the money and ran off with Dave Hambridge before I could stop them.

      At least you don’t suffer from priapism… there’s that.

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 23, 2010 | Reply

      • Damn it man! Is prepapajizm contagious?

        Comment by jammer5 | September 23, 2010 | Reply

        • I guess that depends entirely on who you are with at the time Jammer!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 24, 2010 | Reply

  4. testing

    Comment by jammer5 | September 22, 2010 | Reply

  5. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with admitting another guy’s “man-pretty”, let’s just not get “balls over shaft” happy about it.

    Comment by Heff | September 22, 2010 | Reply

    • I couldn’t have said it better myself!

      Thanks Heff!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 23, 2010 | Reply

  6. I missed you! Well, not “you” but your blog posts. I don’t know “you.”
    Does the Metro still smell like pee?
    Welcome back!

    Comment by Amy | September 22, 2010 | Reply

    • Aww thanks you! I am my blog posts; they are a little part of my corny ass soul, so thanks.

      Yes, a little pee, wine, vomit, ass, and armpit with just a hint of crack.

      Thanks Amy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 23, 2010 | Reply

  7. “If you go to a spectacle (strip club) don’t buy your wife a lap dance and then let them go off together to ‘chat.’ It will end badly for you. And by ‘end badly’ I mean that you won’t see your wife again for weeks(?). Please come home hunny bunny I bought you your own sparkling water! Also I don’t know how to change this colostomy bag…?”

    Hilarious! I hope your wife comes home to sort that out for you, but there are no guarantees.

    Comment by Vodka and Ground Beef | September 22, 2010 | Reply

    • No there never are. Especially not when you’re dealing with bisexual strippers and a dehydrated wife in a foreign and exotic land. Or when you mix Xanex and black tar heroin and try to change a colostomy bag.

      Thanks V & GB!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 23, 2010 | Reply

  8. Okay, now that I’m in tune with the French, via your extraordinary lesson on viewing the various and sundry beauties of the country, both male and female, I’ll be able to set in one spot and not waste energy in chasing them, as I doubt I could do that anyway.

    Comment by jammer5 | September 22, 2010 | Reply

    • You’ll want to settle in around the Champs Elysees area and grab a bottle of wine or a carafe of espresso then. I swear to god Jammer; some of those 4 thousand dollar outfits would make a stripper blush with modesty. I only wish I took more pictures.

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 23, 2010 | Reply

  9. I’m glad you found out about the French military dude’s lack of problems with blood. Even though it was your blood. I would hate to find out about that when it was MY blood.

    Someday when I got to France, I plan on spending all my time trying to meet Melissa Theuriau and/or Clemence Poesy. But, now that I know about the French military’s lack of problems with blood, I’ll have to come up with a very clever plan to meet those lovely ladies. I may not be able to whip them, but I think I can outsmart them. 😉

    Comment by Jay | September 22, 2010 | Reply

    • Well I made the mistake of googling both of those women at the same time and all I got were websites promoting celebrity nude shots and porn. Thanks for blowing my morning buddy.

      Ok, I googled them individually and wow, I definitely prefer the first. She is banging like the forth of July! So do the French military have to protect those two or what? I don’t mind taking one for the team if it will help.

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 23, 2010 | Reply

  10. The French have a military!?

    welcome back baby
    me miss you very very bad

    Comment by dianne | September 22, 2010 | Reply

    • Thanks to my mad investigative journalism skills I can indeed confirm that yes, yes they do. And they can fight.

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 23, 2010 | Reply

  11. Looks like you tagged just about all the bases. Can’t wait to hear the scoop on Mr. Mojo!

    Comment by Thomas Stazyk | September 22, 2010 | Reply

    • I wish I had tagged a lot more bases. And by ‘tagged more bases’ I mean I wish I had gotten to have sex with some hot women. Well, I mean there was my wife. I’m going to shut up now.

      Thanks Thomas!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 23, 2010 | Reply

  12. Did you go to the catacombs? I find them very romantic. Your wife is probably still at LeBonne Marche (sp?)

    Comment by bearman | September 22, 2010 | Reply

    • We did. I didn’t find them romantic but definitely awe inspiring and humbling. That is the fate of every one of us… shit.

      No thank god she’s not much of a shopper. Especially living where we currently are living and all.

      Thanks Bearman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 23, 2010 | Reply

  13. We had a stunningly beautiful French maid when we were in France. She wore jeans and a t shirt instead of the traditional truncated dress, stockings and frilly apron. But queenwilly and I still had to tie The King to the bed to stop him performing noblesse oblige on her

    Comment by nursemyra | September 22, 2010 | Reply

    • You know me and my crazy business ideas. I had one a few years ago where I start a company of house and yard cleaners, male and female who would come over and clean or landscape in skimpy attire. The problem was that I couldn’t find any maids who were good looking or any good looking people that were willing to clean.

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 23, 2010 | Reply

  14. i’m so glad youre back and hope wife shows up soon. Glad to know the French don’t smell too much.
    Your writing made my day.

    Comment by Lisa | September 23, 2010 | Reply

    • Well I hope she’s back soon too. Now I’m running out of morphine. If you have any, please send immediately!

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 23, 2010 | Reply

  15. Just to let you know, I was giving you the silent treatment for not taking me to France. I was not speaking to you for about 5 minutes earlier today. I think I made my point.

    Welcome back!

    Comment by thoughtsappear | September 23, 2010 | Reply

    • You totally made your point TA! That was the longest five minutes of my life. Even longer than when I was waiting to see what the French Tribunal on Asshole Americans was going to do with me.

      I’ll never not take you to Paris again!

      Thanks Thoughtsappear!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 23, 2010 | Reply

  16. Yay! You’re back!
    Unfortunately, I couldn’t appreciate how hot the French men were when I was in France.

    I was too focused on the lack of deodorant (at least back in the 90’s…maybe that’s why they started bathing in perfume?) and the fact that one of them was masturbating beside me when we went to the bar one night. (Ill spare you the horrific details.)

    So happy you’re back!

    (If this comment doesn’t post I’m going to my computer in the throat…)

    Comment by Bschooled | September 23, 2010 | Reply

    • I’d always heard that the French were very irresponsible in their person grooming habits but I didn’t find it to be the case at all. My guess is that the advertising gurus found a way to penetrate the smelly ass market. I’m guessing they used some sort of subliminal bidet brain/ass washing technique. Now if they can only penetrate rural Spain… bliss!

      No, no, no. I absolutely have to hear that story. Please, please write a blog about it? Please?

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 23, 2010 | Reply

      • I second that! If I can reveal my tryst with a Mattress Man then bschooled can tell us about a chronic French masturbator

        Comment by nursemyra | September 25, 2010 | Reply

        • I guess I have to go back and find that one!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 26, 2010 | Reply

  17. The QWERTY comment made me wonder if you were able to resist the internet during your trip?

    Comment by gazingatnavels | September 23, 2010 | Reply

    • I only used it to email my daughter once a day. That was a must. Anyway, a message that would usually take 2 minutes ended up taking 20.

      Thanks Gazingatnavels!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 23, 2010 | Reply

  18. The only experience I’ve had with Frenchmen were ‘golden showers’…like beschooled, I’ll spare you the horrific details (stuff like who was the showerer and showeree). Glad to hear you had a great time, Scott!! Surely, I speak for all when I say we missed you!! My daughter is planning to study abroad in London next year (or 2012)…can’t wait. For sure, we will take a side trip to Paris.

    Comment by elizabeth3hersh | September 23, 2010 | Reply

    • But I don’t want to be spared the horrific details. Horrific details give me future blogging/joke telling material. Please give me the horrific details. If I had to wager, I’d have to say that you were the showerer. I just can’t see you taking that sort of thing lying down. It awesome that you were able to oblige him though!

      If you go over with her, we’ll have to meet up for sure. My wife’s family is right in London so definitely!

      Thanks Elizabeth!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 23, 2010 | Reply

      • Let’s just say I was the one left holding the umbrella. God, I hope my kids never read this…

        Comment by elizabeth3hersh | September 24, 2010 | Reply

        • Hahahahaha-lariuos!

          I have to hope and pray the same Elizabeth.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 24, 2010 | Reply

  19. Bienvenue a reconnoitre l’internet. Voila voila, magnifique! Je suis un camembert, et tu?

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | September 23, 2010 | Reply

    • We are welcome to explore the internet? I’m thanked, magnificently? You are a soft cheese?

      How’d I do?

      Thanks Mitzi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 23, 2010 | Reply

  20. Well its only fair that I share a nugget of wisdom with you too:

    A Babycino, just because it is served in the centre of the bumbling metropolis that is Sydney, is not worth 2.5 dollars, even if it does come with “heaps of biscuits and marshmallows and things”.

    (Yep, thats what i’ve been doin while you are away, buying over priced spoonfuls of frothy milk from dimwitted waitresses. Thank God yr back to distract me from the banality of it all!)

    Comment by RubyTwoShoes | September 23, 2010 | Reply

    • ooohh, I love nuggets too!

      I’ve never heard of a Babycino but I’m guessing that it’s a weak coffee of some sort?

      Life is all banality though, isn’t it?

      I’m going to visit your country someday; I’m hoping that you can show me around!

      Thanks Ruby!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 23, 2010 | Reply

      • I’d love to meet you Scott, and I’d love to show you around our old convict town

        Would like to say lets do an exchange, as I am getting itchy feet myself, but I know you are soon to return to Florida and I’m afraid the US is not first on my list (just b/c I’ve seen it all on TV). Oh well, lemme know of any future plans to do the Caribbean, and I’ll see ya there too!

        Comment by RubyTwoShoes | September 23, 2010 | Reply

        • Maybe I’ll try to make Oz one of my last travels while I’m still here then. You still have 8 or 9 months to get over here as well. We are here till May-ish.

          You HAVE to see the states in person to really get the effect and soak in the atmosphere.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 24, 2010 | Reply

  21. Have been to Paris twice but never stayed long enough to get comfortable. Of course there was that time around 1986 that I was in the airport and was being stalked by two large and terrorist looking Frenchmen. (for real) I pulled a slip at a post and watched them look for me as I crouched down behind a group of people. That had me a bit nervous as I made my way back to my girlfriend on the upper level which was oddly empty of people. A guard came running at me down the empty hall screaming, la bomba…la bomba or something. I mimed that my girlfriend was behind a stand with our luggage. We got her and our gear and were led running down the hall to the back staircase. It was very confusing until we were halfway down the stairs and BOOM!!! A bomb went off upstairs! Shook the whole building. We went immediately to British Airways and took the next flight to London.

    Comment by Micky-T | September 23, 2010 | Reply

    • You have more (and better) stories than Inspector Clouseau and James Bond and Bruce Willis’ character (I forget his name) from 12 Monkeys where he was running through the airport after trying unsuccessfully to stop the impending (non zombie) apocalypse but I think he ended up getting shot or something… combined.

      Man, I would love to read about that in more detail. Or better yet, hear it in real life!

      Thanks Micky!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 23, 2010 | Reply

      • Oh Scott!!! That my friend, is but a small part of a love story gone very bad that started in Italy and carried on into Antibes, Paris, London and a first class flight to Boston.

        Comment by Micky-T | September 23, 2010 | Reply

        • That, my friend is your book! And that could be a definate best seller.

          If not, you’ll have to tell me in or about some VW bug(!)

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 24, 2010 | Reply

  22. Killing Ants? I must have missed that part of the post. I realize in the future I must read more of your Blog tags. Welcome Back! No Awkard moments, none? Isn’t life in general awkward? I like the Buddha picture, I’d like to see more pictures of your trip.

    Comment by starlaschat | September 23, 2010 | Reply

    • No, I try pretty hard not to kill any ants. It’s part of the whole Buddhist thing. I tagged ‘the killing arts.’ That’s like training to shoot machine guns and karate dancing and becoming a ninja and such.

      I’m on Facebook under my name. I live in Spain and I’m wearing a fedora. I have thousands of pictures up.

      Thanks Starlaschat!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 23, 2010 | Reply

  23. Welcome back, tell us more about the rude and (not)smelly French! Like the Buddha photo.

    Comment by Reb | September 23, 2010 | Reply

    • I’ll have to see if I can combine a few minor events into one catastrophic and entertaining post, just for you.

      Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 23, 2010 | Reply

  24. I have a male friend who thought that Brad Pitt was absolutely fucking gorgeous in “A River Runs Through It,” and he is NO WAY gay – for that I can vouch.

    If you want to make yourself feel better about the French militia and their bloody gun stocks, Google “French Military Victories” – exactly like that, seriously.

    Welcome Back!

    Comment by Desert Rat | September 23, 2010 | Reply

    • He is. I am in no way gay either. But I have so many friends who will never admit that about any man. That seems to me to be a sure sign of closet occupation. I never saw that movie, unfortunately. Or the one where he plays Death. I’ve been meaning to.

      That was hilarious! And sad. I’ll have to remember though that their dismal war record does not carry over into individual soldiers though.

      Thanks Dessert Rat!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 24, 2010 | Reply

  25. Why the hell am always way down here on the bottom of the comments. It’s not like I don’t friggin check your post every friggin day…sheez! Honey, hand me that sparkling water!!!

    I too have encountered a French butt in my chest though I do recall it wasn’t a gun so much as just a butt!!!
    I am dying to know the true fate of Jim. I unfortunately was removed unpleasantly from the cemetery on numerous occasions. Do they still have a security guard there?

    Comment by frigginloon | September 24, 2010 | Reply

    • That French butt in your face sounds like it would make an interesting blog Loon. I’d love some personal stories of your past (including the Pere Lechase ousting) mixed in with all the news.

      No, there were no guards. If you look on my Facebook pics you’ll see a guy dressed in a blue jumpsuit type thing? He was there almost every day apparently, drunk and stoned out of his gourd. I think he kept the candles lit and picked up any trash that accumulated. He looked like he’d been at it for years.

      Thanks Loon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 24, 2010 | Reply

      • Yep, that’s him, wouldn’t let us film, so I went over to Oscar Wilde’s grave and stuck my post-it-note poem on there to vent my displeasure.

        Comment by frigginloon | September 24, 2010 | Reply

        • Wilde’s grave was actually more decorated/desecrated than Morrison’s. I only hope that I am loved enough for a little scribbling.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 25, 2010 | Reply

  26. Ha. Pissin’ off a bridge. That’s completely Inseine!! Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | September 24, 2010 | Reply

    • You got it bubba. Good one!

      Thanks Matt!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 25, 2010 | Reply

  27. I have read one book by Marquis De Sade and I have to say that would not be going into any building named after him for fear i would be violated in horrific ways and never seen again.

    So glad you had a good time. Welcome back

    Comment by Siren | September 25, 2010 | Reply

    • Yea, I probably should have googled his name or something. I knew he was famous but for some reason I thought he was the guy who invented billboards. Like marquees…? Oops. And by oops I mean emergency room visits and morphine.

      Thanks Siren!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 25, 2010 | Reply

  28. lol. it seems like you had a good time

    Comment by Artswebshow | September 25, 2010 | Reply

  29. Note to self: too much beautiful competition in Paris…

    Comment by Susi Spice | September 26, 2010 | Reply

    • Yea, but you can never be matched…

      Thanks Susi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 26, 2010 | Reply

  30. Your wife lets you take her to French whore houses?! Did I read that right? Wow, she sure is an understanding/accommodating wife?

    Glad you are back Scott!

    Comment by trishothinks | October 8, 2010 | Reply


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