Zodi’s Blog

Song Letters

Hotel California

 

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Dear Mr.’s Henley, Frey, and Felder,

Gentlemen, while we here at the Hotel California very much appreciate the incredible advertising and promotional coverage that your rock and roll song by the same name has been responsible for, I’m afraid that you are giving our potential guests quite the wrong impression of our fine establishments. We here at the Hotel California were hoping that you will take a quick look at some of the inconsistencies between your lyrics and our actual policies. We would then implore you to make the appropriate changes so that together we can achieve a long needed synergy between our brands.

First of all the California 101 is hardly a dark dessert highway. It is a properly maintained and well lit expressway with clearly marked exit ramps. We have three of our member hotels which fall under the Hotel California umbrella directly off of this highway. And I can assure you that they are all conveniently located within two miles of their respective exits. If the lyric writer in your rock band would like specific directions for one of these (I’d recommend our flagship hotel, the San Luis Obispo as it’s slightly more business casual) in order to give specific directions as part of the redone song, just give us a call or check out our easy to use website, Hotelcalifornia.net.

Near the end of the first stanza you folks are bleating something out about ‘lighting candles to show you the way.’ While it’s true that in the early 90’s we were subject to rolling blackouts, as was most of Southern California at the time, we had backup generators up and running in all of our hotels by 1997. Also since our great state now has the toughest anti smoking legislation in the country we discourage the use of any open flame.

We absolutely love the chorus, especially if you were willing to do just a little tweaking. You guys do the tweaking don’t you? Haha, I was just kidding. I believe that was a drug reference. See, I can be fun too. You should really consider changing “such a lovely place…..” to “such an quality hotel at such bargain rates… such bargain rates.. such bargain rates.” It certainly does sound fantastic the new way, even catchier perhaps.

We do of course have a bell captain that is more than willing to help guests with many of their needs. However if there is a question about one of our quality wines then we suggest that they would instead visit our restaurant and speak with the sommelier. If the guest in question is already decided they can simply ring room service. I can assure you that in no situation would the captain bring you your wine. Over the years we have had plenty of connoisseurs that have enjoyed our substantial selection, this is wine country after all! I’m not sure if any of you have the refinement needed to know this, but 1969 was in fact a terrible year for California wine. You boys really do seem to have a hang up about the distant past. When is the last time you people put out something new anyway? Kidding, I kid. Really, I apologize, I was only kidding.

You may hear voices while you are walking down the corridor, there is nothing that we can do about that. But I would like to assure our potential guests that they will never be woken up in the middle of the night, “just to hear them say” anything. Our rooms are practically soundproof. We have had the occasional rambunctious weekend guests but if we receive even one complaint they are dealt with promptly by security. Why would a loud, intoxicated guest be welcoming ‘you’ to our hotel when ‘you’ were in you own room sleeping soundly? That doesn’t make any sense. Lay off the drugs guys. I’m serious this time. You are losing coherence as we progress here.

We here at the Hotel California have never held anyone prisoner. We have never even had one hostage situation in our proud history much less held anyone prisoner. Not of their own devise nor anybody else’s device. Checkout is at 11 am and we appreciate advance notification in the event that our guests anticipate a late departure. How is that holding anyone prisoner? We do hold your credit card but that is for obvious reasons. We can’t have any of you rock and roll types coming in and smashing up the place. –Kidding!

Finally, the last two stanzas of your tribute had our staff perplexed and befuddled for hours as we tried in vain to unravel your metaphorical references. “They stab it with their steely knives but they just can’t kill the beast.” Really? It was only after Vinny, one of our nighttime maintenance workers, came into the break room while we were working on it, that we were finally able to ascertain that you were talking about the cocaine. You wacky musician have a hang up about the drugs don’t you? We don’t mind you singing your other songs about the drugs; it makes you cool and edgy, but please refrain from using them in our song. Do your drugs in Life in the Fast Lane or Take it To the Limit. Remember; synergy.

We would greatly appreciate your prompt attention to this matter. We have full confidence that you will be able to make the appropriate changes to your song without disrupting the tempo in the least. If you are willing to make all of the concessions we discussed here then we are willing to negotiate a financial compensation package for your band. Something along the lines of 15% off any room, up to but not including our executive suites. Once you factor in the senior discount, I’ll bet you and your bandmates will dig it and rock out to the sweet sound of that music.

Best Regards,

Thomas Bouffant.

Marketing and Advertising Director

Hotel California

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September 26, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , ,

64 Comments »

  1. first again.. not understood one fecking thing this time!

    Comment by Dave Hambidge | September 26, 2010 | Reply

    • Here you go Dave…

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 26, 2010 | Reply

      • It would seem that this ditty was released in 1976, when I was deeply into my previous life and a very sad (youngish) git… so didn’t know much about the real world…

        Comment by gallowaygrave | September 27, 2010 | Reply

        • You still have plenty of time to play catch up!

          Thanks Dave!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 27, 2010 | Reply

  2. Lies, pure fucking lies! I, Pedro Valansquez, am the proprietor of the real Hotel California, located in beautiful Todas Santos, Baja California. This is the original hotel the Eagles referred to when their great song of the same name was written.

    Don Henley, in a blatant attempt to burst the bubble surrounding any connection between the Eagles and the hotel, lied through his teeth. We informed him if he denied all the actions taking place there, he would never leave. He is a liar and a complete disgrace to the people of Baja California. If he ever shows his lying face in Baja California, we, the people of the great state of Baja California, guarantee he will never leave. We even have a room reserved for him right here at the real Hotel California, Todas Santos, Baja California.

    I, Pedro Valansquez, proprietor of the real Hotel California, have spoken!

    http://www.hotelcaliforniabaja.com/

    Comment by jammer5 | September 26, 2010 | Reply

    • BTW, I was there in 1986 and even bought a ballcap with the name on it. Todas Santos is an awesome place.

      Comment by jammer5 | September 26, 2010 | Reply

      • It sounds it. I love Mexico, and not just for their pharmaceuticals.

        Thanks Jammer!!

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 27, 2010 | Reply

        • The best restaurants I ate ever ate at were in La Paz and, believe it or not, Tijuana.

          Comment by jammer5 | September 27, 2010 | Reply

          • I do believe it. It beats the hell outta Spain!

            Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 28, 2010 | Reply

    • Oh really, shit? You can’t blame me, I only publish this drivel. I’ve never much been one for ‘research’ or ‘google’ or even ‘wiki,’ that all sounds like too much scrolling to me. I’m pretty sure that none of the liability of any impending lawsuit would be on me anyway, I have bloggers rights or something. I’ll have to get somebody to research it.

      I’ll tell you what Pedro; if you give me a free room and two girls and an ounce of blow I’ll write you a spectacular review of your hotel and put it here on my world famous, legendary even, blog.

      Thanks Pedro!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 27, 2010 | Reply

  3. Well, this is not cool. This doesn’t work for me. Here I am (in California btw) minding my own business & having some granola (what? I’m in California!) when I think…”Hey, let’s open up that funny blog page and see what Scott’s up to.”. And now, AND NOW, I’m gonna be singing that fucking song in my head all day!

    How about an OCD warning smart guy? Would it kill you to give a girl a heads up???

    This is a story, of a lovely lady, who was bringing up three very lovely girls. All of them had hair of gold…..sing it with me….HA! Take that fucker!

    welcome back

    Comment by Mick_Chick | September 26, 2010 | Reply

    • Don’t feel too bad on either count. I have a permanent California state of mind myself, although it tends to veer towards the LBC, and granola is the shizzle with peanut butter and hash. I’ve also had the song stuck in my head since I wrote this piece, and that was a couple weeks ago. It’s a wonder I haven’t blown my brains out yet.

      I can NOT believe you did that to me. I first read your comment 15 minutes before I went to bed. Re-revenge will be mine! Bwahahahaha- that’s maniacal laughter, in case it didn’t ‘read’ that way.

      Thanks Mick_Chick!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 27, 2010 | Reply

      • Can’t say if the hash would be a good call for me since I tend to shy away from anything above ibuprofen…although I never met a vicodin I didn’t like. See, my brain has secrets and well, those secrets should just remain stuck in there and any drug that unlocks those deep rooted fears could result in a lot of screaming and a 10×10 room with 24hr observation.

        Get this…someone in my apt complex either has a bird that incessantly whistles the theme song to the Andy Griffith Show or is, in fact, a person who incessantly whistles aforementioned theme song. I’d love it to stop but, strangling a person is, I realize, a crime (if one is caught)…but PETA, on the other hand, are some nasty hombres I do not want up my ass.

        Comment by Mick_Chick | September 27, 2010 | Reply

        • Actually I totally do feel you. I used to smoke weed a lot more often but once I hit around 23 it stopped being fun and just made me paranoid. And my love of all things opiate are well chronicled on these not so hallowed pages.

          Holy shit I would consider mass murder. No, I wouldn’t want PETA all up my ass either. They would only want more and more… you know how they are.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 28, 2010 | Reply

  4. Crap, now I have to actually play other music today while cleaning or that will be the only song on my PIH (personal, in-head) play list. Who needs an MP3 when my PIH is filled with music from around the world, from WWI to the present, with most genres represented and my storage is much bigger and free 😉

    Comment by Reb | September 26, 2010 | Reply

    • I have the same thing as well. Except mine usually only holds one or two songs. What it seems to store exceptionally well is funny looks people have given me on any given day and sitcom dialogue.

      Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 27, 2010 | Reply

  5. This is a smart and creative post. Oh, and funny too. I liked the revised chorus bit. I actually tried singing the words in my head.

    Comment by gazingatnavels | September 26, 2010 | Reply

    • Muchas gracias amiga! I agree with Tom: the revised chorus was pretty catchy. They could do with some fresh blood.

      Thanks Gazingatnavels!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 27, 2010 | Reply

  6. LOL, as usual.
    Now I have to try and think of some other song to fill my head. I can’t deal with the ‘Brady Bunch’ any more than I can manage ‘Hotel California’.
    Bugger.

    Comment by Karen lee Thompson | September 26, 2010 | Reply

    • I’ll help…

      I want your loving
      I want your revenge
      You and me could write a bad romance
      (Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!)
      I want your loving
      All your love is revenge
      You and me could write a bad romance

      Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!
      (Want your bad romance)
      Oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh!
      Caught in a bad romance
      (Want your bad romance)
      Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh!
      (Want your bad romance)
      Oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh!
      Caught in a bad romance

      Don’t thank me!

      Thanks Karen!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 27, 2010 | Reply

  7. And what kind of hotel would want guests to check out but never leave. I think I could make a fortune if I could make them leave but never check out and keep paying for room nights.

    Comment by bearman | September 26, 2010 | Reply

    • True. I think you just had what somebody would call a ‘million dollar idea.’

      Or is that pretty much what a hospice is?

      Thanks Bearman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 27, 2010 | Reply

  8. Scott

    love the post very creative…dont know if you knew this but the real Hotel California is a mental hospital in camarillo california…what the song is based on..but i like your version better…more colorful…zman sends

    Comment by zman | September 26, 2010 | Reply

    • I did not know that. -Did you like my Johnny Carson impresion? I honestly thought the whole song was a metaphor for coke. huh.

      Thanks Zman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 27, 2010 | Reply

  9. false advertising! get a discount next time ur there i say!

    Comment by Susi Spice | September 26, 2010 | Reply

    • The Eagles will love that. 15% plus their senior discount…they would be fools not to!

      Thanks Susi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 27, 2010 | Reply

  10. Mr Bouffant?
    I think I know that guy

    I kinda get where he’s coming from
    Henley fucked with my world when he tried to convince me that forgiveness was the heart of the matter

    Comment by dianne | September 27, 2010 | Reply

    • I thought you might. You do get around, but in the totally good way!

      Hahaha, hilarious! I’ve always found that forgiveness is way overrated, while murdery revenge never gets enough good press.

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 27, 2010 | Reply

  11. “You should really consider changing “such a lovely place…..” to “such an quality hotel at such bargain rates… such bargain rates.. such bargain rates.”

    So much catchier this way.

    Comment by Vodka and Ground Beef | September 27, 2010 | Reply

    • Did you like it then? Maybe you can help me to convince them, you know how stuborn 90 year old crackheads can be.

      Thanks V & GB!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 27, 2010 | Reply

  12. lol. i do enjoy your warped sense of humour

    Comment by Artswebshow | September 27, 2010 | Reply

  13. “Such a lovely place, when you’re off your face…” – Betar Jewish Youth Summer Camp, unofficial camp song, circa 1993.

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | September 27, 2010 | Reply

    • Good one Mitzi!

      Comment by nursemyra | September 27, 2010 | Reply

    • That’s change I can live. In fact, I have!

      Thanks Mitzi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 28, 2010 | Reply

  14. Dear Bloggyman,
    You go to this place, yes? Is this where boys of summer have gone? The ones for the both sexes? Is you down for hookering up with The Rodrigo at The Hotel California? Maybee they make for to have rates of siesta, no?
    I make for waiting the eager your reply, my friend!
    Loving,
    The Rodrigo

    Scott, a particularly funny post, though I fear I’m the only one who actually likes that song with the fire of a thousand suns. I wish you’d do Gangsta Bitch by Apache sometime b/c I know everyone knows it. Old skool, ya know, dog? Peace Out, homie.

    Comment by Lisa | September 27, 2010 | Reply

    • Well, lets see.

      Yes, they certainly do have the both sexes there… pretty, pretty boys… and all that.

      No, I don’t roll like that, personally.

      No, as far as I know they don’t do hourly or half day rates. They are rather upscale, after all.

      I actually do have a few rap songs upcoming. It has always been one of my favorite genres, so why not. Not as many people will get it, but what can you do?

      I hope you are feeling better!

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 28, 2010 | Reply

      • I’m much better thanks! Rodrigo, however, is inconsolable, but I bitch slapped him and set him out on the street. Word.

        Comment by Lisa | September 28, 2010 | Reply

        • Oh just give the little guy some Xanex and wine, and he’ll quiet down and be out in no time, trust me.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 29, 2010 | Reply

  15. Love it!!

    I would like to be of assistance with the re-write:

    On a well lit expressway, occasional debris in my hair
    Warm smell of exhaust fumes, rising up thru the air
    Up ahead in the distance, I saw a blazing exit sign light
    My head grew dizzy and my eyes grew wide,
    I was excited by the bargain price!

    Comment by RubyTwoShoes | September 27, 2010 | Reply

    • God damn Ruby, you are seriously talented at that. You could create an entire blog just around redone songs and jingles. Actually, you could probably make money at it as well if you hooked up with an advertising firm.

      I am sufficiently impressed!

      Thanks Ruby!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 28, 2010 | Reply

    • LMAO

      Comment by Lisa | September 28, 2010 | Reply

  16. “But I would like to assure our potential guests that they will never be woken up in the middle of the night, “just to hear them say” anything. Our rooms are practically soundproof.”

    Genius.

    This is truly the money shot of ideas, Scott. Think about it- Heartbreak Hotel, The Postman’s Inn, Best Western, etc.
    Sure, the general population may only have ever heard of one of these songs, but that’s when you show them this- http://www.route40.net/page.asp?n=2817&qz=129

    PS. My friend took me to my very first winery last weekend. You can imagine my embarrassment when I found out you weren’t supposed to just take a swig from the bottle.

    Comment by Bschooled | September 27, 2010 | Reply

    • Wow, this is the money shot indeed! And without all the gross semen splatter. How in the hell do you find this stuff? The strange thing is they didn’t have the major leagues of the songs about hotels. Like…. I don’t know, the one where Kid Rock had to put Sheryl Crow’s picture away because he was doing too much coke and the eyes must have kept following him or something. I’m not sure that was about a hotel though, so I had no point at all.

      Can you believe that I’ve never been to a winery or a wine tasting? Oh you can? Shit, yea, I see your point.

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 28, 2010 | Reply

  17. hey i was pretty sure i posted a comment here..where did it go?

    Comment by Susi Spice | September 27, 2010 | Reply

    • It’s right above your head Susi. Number 9. Feel free to leave another one though…

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 28, 2010 | Reply

  18. Thank you! “Whoop, There It Is” has been stuck in my head for days. I like this song much better.

    What happens if they don’t change the lyrics?

    Comment by thoughtsappear | September 27, 2010 | Reply

    • ‘Whoop, There It Is’ would drive one to murder/suicide if left unchecked to fester in the soft tissue of the brain.

      I’m guessing litigation…?

      Thanks Thoughtsappear!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 28, 2010 | Reply

  19. Who wouldn’t want “Hotel California” stick in their head all day? It sure beats Katy Perry….

    Scott, this is great. You kill me…

    Comment by Candy | September 27, 2010 | Reply

    • True. I do like Kay Perry too though. At least the one she did with Snoop. Which is the only one I’ve ever heard.

      Thanks Candy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 28, 2010 | Reply

  20. Hey – they can take The Eagles lyrics and stab it with their steely knives,
    But they just can’t kill the beast.

    Comment by Heff | September 27, 2010 | Reply

    • Haha, I’m sure they would like to. As would we at times!

      Thanks Heff!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 28, 2010 | Reply

  21. “Once you factor in the senior discount, I’ll bet you and your bandmates will dig it and rock out to the sweet sound of that music.”
    Beautiful!
    I hear they are going out on tour again. Seriously? Is is sponsored by Ensure and Geritol?

    Awesome as always, Scott!

    Comment by Amy | September 27, 2010 | Reply

    • It’s beyond crazy. Between them, the Rolling Stones and Steve Miller I don’t know who is worse. I can never figure out if it’s greed or just never wanting to admit that they are old. Also that God Damn Brett Favre seems to have caught whatever it is as well!

      Thanks Amy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 28, 2010 | Reply

  22. For those who would like to purge Hotel California from their heads: http://www.unhearit.com (motto “get that damn song out of your head”) will accommodate. Personally, that is a song I would like to get stuck in my head, even more so after reading your post, Scott. I hope you make a series out of this because I am really enjoying reading your interpretation.

    Comment by elizabeth3hersh | September 28, 2010 | Reply

    • Wow brilliant idea. Well actually it was a simple idea with brilliant marketing. I thought they were going to go all Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind on me and make me forget that I ever knew the song existed, but yea, their way works too. And with less plot twists.

      Thanks, I plan to keep it going!

      Thanks Elizabeth!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 29, 2010 | Reply

  23. Desperado!

    Sorry, I just couldn’t help it 🙂

    Comment by frigginloon | September 28, 2010 | Reply

    • I had actually thought about doing that one instead but chose to go the corporate route instead.

      Thanks Loon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 29, 2010 | Reply

  24. Thomas Bouffant what a great name. I’m thankful for Dave he saved me a little trip to youtube. Now I’ll go listen for a little blast from the past. I didn’t know there was a real Hotel California. I’m missing California for a second.

    Comment by starlaschat | September 28, 2010 | Reply

    • I know, since I put it up I’ve listened to it twice. I used to love that song about 15/20 years ago.

      I didn’t know you ever lived in Cali? Why’d you leave?

      Thanks Starlaschat!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 29, 2010 | Reply

    • I guess moving from Cali was a bit of a walkabout. It was a good thing difficult at times but a good thing. I thought I would miss the ocean more, but the mountains have their own feeling not as dramatic but soothing. Now I’m going to pop up for another listen to Hotel California.

      Comment by starlaschat | September 29, 2010 | Reply

      • I moved from the beach (in Florida) to the mountains (of Spain) as well. I totally miss the ocean though. We had a place right on the intercoastal so it was my life. I do love the mountains too but I need my deep blue sea. I’m a pure Pisces.

        I’m moving back in a few months!

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 29, 2010 | Reply

  25. I was gonna mention the line “You should really consider changing “such a lovely place…..” to “such an quality hotel at such bargain rates… such bargain rates.. such bargain rates.” It certainly does sound fantastic the new way, even catchier perhaps,” but somebody already mentioned that freaking hysterical segment, so I won’t repeat . . .

    Oh.

    Ahem. This was genius humor mi amigo. You are officially in a notorius gang of rebel humorists known as “The Hystericals” (Bschooled, Vodka and Ground Beef, Don Mills, and others to be named later, including a second round draft choice from Florida State . . . prison).

    Brilliant humor!

    Comment by Dan McGinley | September 29, 2010 | Reply

    • I had a gut feeling that you were someone who could really appreciate a quality hotel at, well, such bargain rates. Why mess with perfection? Wait why?

      Well thank you Dan! It’s an honor to be mentioned in the same breath as those masters of the comedic universe so I’ll take it. Especially if it means I get to share the locker room with them!

      You are missed as well…

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | September 29, 2010 | Reply


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