Zodi’s Blog

I’m Practically a Top Chef. Only More Naked and Less Good at Cooking.

All I wanted to do was make us a nice, tasty snack while we watched a movie. Something a normal person should be able to do. Because I am a barely functioning, not even close to normal person however, things quickly went full-tard.

 I had decided that we should start doing a Cinema Sunday because I enjoy making up theme days that make me sound like I may or may not be a douchebag. Cinema being our 11 inch laptop playing the latest movie that I downloaded from The Pirate Bay. Yes I would steal a purse. And yes I would steal a car. I’d steal a fucking ATM machine if it weren’t so heavy. And so bolted down.

Anyway on cinema Sunday I thought I’d treat us to a culinary delight from which we would normally abstain because we don’t want people to throw hotdogs at our faces in the future. Something greasy, fatty and extraordinary… like Precious. Not Precious herself, that would be gross, but something akin to Precious, something as tasty and delicious as Precious.  

.

Some Precious cevice would be nice.

.

 

Even though I love to cook and am surprisingly good at it I always panic halfway through because I never time anything because I suck at math and I have ADD coming out my ass because I’m a free spirit and refuse to conform to societal norms so some stuff gets burnt while other stuff is still uncooked but then the anarchist leaves and the OCD dude comes and gets all nervous and then I’m left to go all, “Fuckfuckfuck.”

So it wasn’t really a shocker when I was putting together my Super Super Sexy Nachos Delight that I forgot to add the chili peppers until the last minute and had to rush through the preparations and improvise using my adept hands more than the knife, ripping them apart more than say, chopping them. I was like a Top Chef on crack which I’d totally be if Colicchio would just give me some crack and a white tubey hat.

.

He’s way more judgmental than other crack dealers though.

,

 

 

Having gotten the chilli peppers in with the rest of the goulash I breathed a sigh of relief and thought I’d celebrate by taking a nice piss that I’d been holding for 10 minutes, which is like 4 hours for me. So I went down the kitchen steps to our bathroom which is outside on our terrace.

 Yes, our only bathroom is outside. We practically live in Little House on the Prairie except there’s no prairie because this is Spain and it’s mostly just mountains and donkey shit. We do have kindly widowers but they are mostly alcoholic and when they start in on the wine, which is as soon as they wake up, they become less kindly and more ragey and punchy. And they spit a lot. And pee on my house. I don’t think they spit or peed outside much on Little House.

I rushed through my own urination as much I could and shook my mini tube steak vigorously. You people with vaginas have it easy, you just sit there. When you are dealing with a penis everything is complicated. After you think you’re done pissing you have to give it a nudge and you’ll be rewarded with another stream. Then, when you’re really done you have to go through a complicated series of pulling, stretching and shaking that would cause an unaccustomed observer to believe that you were strangling a small, possibly rabid, egomaniacal mouse that had attached itself to your groin and the motherfucker wouldn’t die. If you neglect the killing of the evil mouse process you will dribble down the front of your leg and that is not at all pleasant.

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A small, rabid, egomaniacal mouse that craves genital flesh.

.

 

 

As I quickly zipped up and ran inside to my sizzling meat I began to feel a burning sensation. For a minute I thought that maybe the stove top was giving out a nice genital warmth. Then the rapidly spreading and escalating heat picked up a kind of frenetic momentum of increasing intensity that made me feel as if I were having sex with Joan of Arc, after she was lit. I felt like I had dipped my junk into a coffee cup of boiling sulfuric acid. I felt like Satan was giving me a blowjob and he had a really high fever due to seasonal flu.

I began letting off a series of little shrieks, de-panted, and furiously washed my penis and testicles in the kitchen sink. I don’t know if you’ve ever eaten something hot then tried to drink water to make it go away and the water makes it 10 times worse instead? It was just like that only on my genitals. My shrieks (not exaggerating at all here) began to increase in pitch, volume and intensity until I was worried the neighbors would knock on my door but I was still powerless to stop myself.

I ripped off all of my remaining clothing and bolted out the back door into the shower, shrieking and whinnying the whole time. I produced a lather that would make an advertising photographer for Dove® orgasm, and proceeding to scrub and rinse, repeating as necessary. And it was more necessary than it’s ever been.

The pain began easing off a bit and then coming back full steam, kind like the high from an Oxy Contin if you accidentally forget to chew or snort it. The pain somehow also reached my rectum which made me feel kind of nauseas and even more panicky. Finally after 15 or 20 minutes the torment was down to the feeling of a little too much Ben Gay.    

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Sorry about this one. I couldn’t find an image of someone snorting an OC.

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As I turned off the shower I could hear Wifey coming in from giving the dogs a short walk during our intermission. When I came out of the shower I could see two of my punchy, ragey neighbors looking on with a kind of drunken fascination. As I came up the steps to the kitchen in only a towel, I could see smoke and smell crispy, black ground beef and melted chili peppers.

Not surprisingly, Wifey was more curious about the pile of discarded clothing and puddles of soapy water in front of the kitchen sink than she was about the Super Super Sexy Nacho apocalypse.

I wish I made this shit up. I really do.

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September 30, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , ,

75 Comments »

  1. Okay, I am rolling on the floor, seriously, dying! Because I’ve had this happen to me! Living in the desert southwest, peppers are a dietary staple. We roast them, stuff them, saute’ them, put them in eggs, rice; you get the idea. I wish I had a dime for every time Steve did the “oh shit, I touched my dick” dance – I could retire – if I wasn’t already completely fucking off most of the time anyway.

    Since I usually have a wad of “quilted” softness between my pepper-infested fingers and my special purpose, I don’t generally experience the joy of the poker hot tingle; however, I *have* thought it was a good time to put in my contact lenses – now *that* is just a bad idea for so many reasons!

    Oh, and my girlfriend has determined that OCD is actually a SUPER POWER! That’s right! I’ma get a cape and be “OCDena!” Instead of GPS, we have “EPS.” I have other super powers, too, but I don’t want to give away my Secret Identity!

    Comment by Desert Rat | September 30, 2010 | Reply

    • I always do it too DR, because I cook with peppers almost every meal as well. I’d put them in my breakfast cereal if it was socially acceptable. And if they were more sugary. I often ‘do stuff’ before washing my hands but it’s usually only my eyes or nose that suffers.

      You know, I’ll bet in some circles people would pay damn good money for that kind of pain. I’m just not in that circle myself!

      Thanks Dessert Rat!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 1, 2010 | Reply

  2. This is hilarious! I’ve never done THAT, but I have gone to the nose and eyes after handling jalapenos so I know how painful it is. After that happened I started wearing food safe gloves in the kitchen.

    Also, this is the topic of our show this week. Our culinary creations and shit. Great timing dude! haha

    Comment by Jay | September 30, 2010 | Reply

    • Hey, Jay! Isn’t “culinary creations” and “shit” redundant? (Just kidding, funny man!) One of these days I will haul my ass out of bed early enough to catch you live. Now, thanks to the Wonder that is FaceBook, I have discovered y’all have an “archive!” Very cool.

      Comment by Desert Rat | September 30, 2010 | Reply

      • I’d have to stay up wayyyy past my bedtime. But I’ll have to for the sake of humor… someday soon!

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 1, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m going to have to invest in a pair myself. I’d probably forget to take them off though.

      Is it? Great. I have a feeling that I’ll be feeling my nose (or ears?) burning as you guys talk about me. Ha! Get it? Cause like I… you get it!

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 1, 2010 | Reply

  3. FYI, Ronrico Rum 151 has the same effect. Don’t ask me how I know that.

    Comment by Thomas Stazyk | September 30, 2010 | Reply

    • I can conjure many ideas of how you would know that.

      Thanks Thomas!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 1, 2010 | Reply

  4. Holy shit! You poor guy. That is freaking hilarious.

    You know, I’ve always thought men were the lucky ones. I envision if I had one, and if I did it would look all John Holmesish,but if I had one…..

    I’d walk down the street after dark b/c it would be a rarity to meet a gay rapist and if someone wanted to rob me, I’d just beat the crap out of him with my super-magic testosterone. I’
    d be like a non-Asian Lou Kang from Mortal Kombat, bicycle kicking with my manly rage.
    Then from all that man-raging, walking, and 40 drinking, I’d need to “drain the lizard.” Hmmm, against that wall would be sufficient. Maybe I can write my name. Dot an I, biotch. Then I’d probably fall over and pass out in what didn’t stay on the wall, still holding my glory, because that’s how real men roll.

    I sometimes wonder just how many of your reader’s literally have OCD. It’s crazy ’cause someone always admits it on here, it’s like you bring us out of the woodwork. Speaking of woodwork, you do have a real toilet, right? Just outside, right? But you can go off the terrace when no one is looking? Just curious how it works. Wish they’d put this one on Freshly Pressed. And put it under blogs about cooking. Now that would rule.

    Comment by Lisa | September 30, 2010 | Reply

    • Well Lisa if you are that enamored with the idea of owning your own penis there are in fact many viable options out there.

      You could spend a little and just buy a strap on. You’d be able to use it to intimidate, showoff and for non-feeling intercourse.

      You could spend a lot of money and buy yourself some gender reassignment surgery and take hormones and have your own fully functioning penis.

      Or, if you’re willing to talk about God a lot, you could get Stephen Baldwin to follow you everywhere. Some people might mistake the dick for a vagina though.

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 1, 2010 | Reply

    • Oh yea, the bathroom is real. It even boasts a shower and slate floor. But it is OUTSIDE.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 1, 2010 | Reply

      • I’ll keep my vagina for now, but thanks for the options. I’d just want a penis to pee in rude places, but other than that you men can keep your spicy man hoses for yourselves. You can keep the outdoor toilet too, man. I bet you have to share it w/ Jorge, Raul, Miguel, Stephen Baldwin, Marco Polo, Juan, Victor, y a Rosita

        Comment by Lisa | October 1, 2010 | Reply

        • Haha, no just me, my wife, my dog, my other dog the puppy, and occasionally my cat. Other than that it’s all mine!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 2, 2010 | Reply

  5. OK, I laughed so hard I peed my pants a little, cried a lot and got a pain in my side. Plus, my upstairs neighbor just called down to see if I was ok.

    Here I thought men had it better than us women!

    Comment by Rev D | October 1, 2010 | Reply

    • Well that was my aim, so good! First humiliate/hurt myself and then I entertain my friends.

      All things being weighed I think I’d still rather have a penis. I wouldn’t want anything close to what you guys deal with. Although, it would make some funny posts.

      Thanks

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 1, 2010 | Reply

  6. Nice! you had an idiot guy moment… i feel so much better now, i am not a lone soul stumbling around in this world. thanks for making my day.

    Comment by Siren | October 1, 2010 | Reply

    • Every day of my life Siren. Some are just significantly worse than others.

      Thanks Siren!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 1, 2010 | Reply

  7. But Scott…. what was the name of the movie?

    Comment by nursemyra | October 1, 2010 | Reply

    • And what was the theme???

      Comment by azahar | October 1, 2010 | Reply

      • Kind of revisiting the 80’s. I loved it!

        Thanks Azahar!!

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 1, 2010 | Reply

    • Hot Tub Time Machine, and it was hilarious. Really, really funny!

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 1, 2010 | Reply

  8. I remain, as ever, entertained beyond what is blogically possible by your amusing anecdotes – but I could only scroll as far as the scary hot bald dude in the chef outfit – PHWOAR …. rrrrr .rrrr drrrooool … insensible with lust …

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | October 1, 2010 | Reply

    • Colicchio? Shit, he’s just the neighborhood crack dizzler. He also hosts Top Chef on the side. He’ll turn you into a smoker though…

      Thanks Mitzi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 1, 2010 | Reply

  9. No doubt about it, there must be a circle of pecker peppering perverts.

    Comment by Micky-T | October 1, 2010 | Reply

    • If not we could make a killing starting a website/way of life.

      Thanks Micky!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 1, 2010 | Reply

  10. HAHAHAHAHA!!

    Oh Scott, brilliantly written and thoroughly engaging. Im so sorry to have reveled in your pain.

    Comment by Candy | October 1, 2010 | Reply

    • The best thing about it Candy? Even as I was writhing in pain I knew I had a great post out of it!

      Thanks Candy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 1, 2010 | Reply

  11. Some men should never cook. NEVER!

    Comment by S. Le | October 1, 2010 | Reply

    • But I’m usually really good at it. Really.

      Thanks S. Le!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 1, 2010 | Reply

  12. Dude, I’m gonna be cracking up over that “Ben Gay” jpg FOR DAYS, LMAO !!!

    Comment by Heff | October 1, 2010 | Reply

    • It’s what came up from googling “Too much Ben Gay.”

      Thanks Heff!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 1, 2010 | Reply

  13. Awesome. Just awesome. Is it wrong that your pain gives me such joy? Wait. Don’t answer that. It’s more fun if I think it’s wrong.
    Don’t EVER change!

    Comment by Amy | October 1, 2010 | Reply

    • If you want it to be wrong then it’s wrong! Like I said; I knew I’d at least get some material out of it, so it’s not all bad.

      Thanks Amy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 1, 2010 | Reply

  14. I was laughing so hard, the cat got concerned! I am sorry for your pain though. I think I have heard lemon or lime juice will cut through the oil making it easier to wash off. So, have a margarita standing by next time;)

    Comment by Reb | October 1, 2010 | Reply

    • It’s funny, my animals have given up on me a long time ago. Sure, they peek around the corner to see what all the shrieking is about, but they have learned to not delve too deeply into my little ‘incidents.’

      Good idea!

      Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 2, 2010 | Reply

  15. “Some Precious cevice would be nice”

    Was that supposed to read “cervix”

    Comment by Bearman | October 1, 2010 | Reply

    • Wow, I just threw up. No, no, I meant raw Precious marinated in lemon/citrus. Like sa-vee-chay.

      Thanks Bearman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 2, 2010 | Reply

  16. I love that you tagged this post with “spicy nuts”. Some nice little lady is going to be looking for a recipe for holiday treats and is going to get this fanatastic story!

    Comment by Bethany | October 1, 2010 | Reply

    • Sorry, I almost missed this one. It was stuck in my moderation, I guess you you used a dif name.

      I can only hope and pray that happens. It’s how I plan to get discovered!

      Thanks Bethany!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 3, 2010 | Reply

      • I switch names. I like to confuse. 🙂 Actually I’m just confused. Who am I?

        Comment by Bethany | October 8, 2010 | Reply

        • You’re a mystery wrapped inside an enigma!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 9, 2010 | Reply

  17. One pepper burned by another pepper. Damn. I’m going to report this attack to Doctor Pepper, who will immediately expell those hot peppers from the Pepper Club, for messing with your man pepper. They will no longer be a pepper, too. Perhaps asparagus. [I really hope you remember that old commercial; “I’m a pepper he’s a pepper you’re a pepper too.” If not, then, ummm . . . I’m so old . . .]

    Comment by Dan McGinley | October 2, 2010 | Reply

    • This pepper on pepper crime, along with the wall of silence is what is holding the pepper community down. Well that and those little spikes they use in gardening. And technically the roots too, at least until the peppers are picked. Then they begin to die anyway. So really the pepper’s life is a pretty hopeless and dire existence anyway, I can totally see why they turn to crime.

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 2, 2010 | Reply

  18. Hope all is better down there.
    If these outrageous things didn’t happen to you what would you have to write about, right? Your pain is our pleasure.

    Comment by gazingatnavels | October 2, 2010 | Reply

    • Yea I’m all better. Luckily there were no after effects. I half expected a brushy type of burn but no, thank God.

      If my pain is your pleasure, doesn’t that technically make you a masochist?

      Thanks Gazingatnavels!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 2, 2010 | Reply

      • No, a sadist. We’re all sadists laughing at your pain. Well not really, but it was right funny. If you write a memoir you should title the chapter “Two Little Peppers and How They Grew” Ok, I’ll shut up now…I just couldn’t resist.

        Comment by Lisa | October 2, 2010 | Reply

        • You’re right, I got the two confused because I am not a fan of the pain, either way.

          That is a fantastic idea/title for a childrens’ book!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 3, 2010 | Reply

  19. What I’ve read here today will haunt me for the rest of my life. I feel like I know you so much more intimately now.

    And “Precious Cevice” . . . HI-LARIOUS.

    Comment by Vodka and Ground Beef | October 2, 2010 | Reply

    • Don’t worry, my stories aren’t bad haunters. Not like that god damn, pain in the ass, Macaulay Culkin, wanna be cutesy fucker from the Sixth Sense that won’t leave me alone. People are going to get the wrong idea.

      Thanks V & GB!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 3, 2010 | Reply

  20. I sensed there was a ‘chilli in the eye’ moment coming, I just didnt anticipate it would be that eye!

    Comment by RubyTwoShoes | October 3, 2010 | Reply

    • I’ve done that enough times too. BUt this is the first time that I’ve almost blinded my vagina seeing eye.

      Thanks Ruby!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 3, 2010 | Reply

  21. lol

    with an ex of mine once, while he was on an overseas trip for work… we got a little busy over the phone… next thing you know he is starts to say “OH FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!!!!!! i just burnt myself”..

    he had just been cooking with those hot birds eye chillies and had not wash his hands as thoroughly as he thought..haha

    he had to use an ice pack over the next 3 days haha.

    Comment by Susi Spice | October 3, 2010 | Reply

    • I guess masturbatory touching would have been a lot worse. It would spread more. But this pain, as firey, acidy as it was; once it was gone, it was gone. Surprisingly there were no brush burny type sores or anything. Which leaves me to question what else he may have burnt himself with….?

      Thanks Susi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 3, 2010 | Reply

      • no he just felt the burny too much so used an ice pack hehe

        Comment by Susi Spice | October 3, 2010 | Reply

        • That would be kinda painful too, I’d think. Unless you’re into stuff like that!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 4, 2010 | Reply

  22. Great post, Scott! This reminded me of a story my first husband shared with me. Somehow, Icy Hot ended up in his ass by his second wife (not sure how, but I do remember he was fond of prostate massages). Believe me, it’s a story that sticks with you for a lifetime, particularly when accompanied by histrionic animation. Well, Scott, I guess this is comparable to the time I used poison ivy as a young teenager to wipe myself after whizzing in the wild. I ended up visiting the emergency room and it was one of the most excruciating experiences of my life. You live and you learn and you remember. (Wonder if a mayonnaise or mashed pea poultice would have helped…or maybe some guacamole?). Hope it’s all better!!

    Comment by elizabeth3hersh | October 3, 2010 | Reply

    • I think the main thing I’m going to take (and hold onto) from your entertaining and enlightening comment is “I do remember he was fond of prostate massages.” I guess that would be one way to put it. Another way to put it would be….sorry, I was about to go off on another Pulp Fiction quoting tangent there.

      You know who is a huge fan of prostate messages; my dachshund. Seriously. If my wife doesn’t do that every time he gets a bath he drags his rectum all over the carpet.

      Thanks Elizabeth!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 4, 2010 | Reply

  23. “this is why we can’t have nice things” – after all the hilarity and imagery of the entire post that label just sent me off the edge
    I have tears of laughter running right now
    and I do believe we were related in another life
    at one point or another every single fucked up, drug addicted, husband abused, lost all his money to the Mafia person in my family has lived with me and done something like this in my kitchen and I would always tell my son that we need to help people and he would always respond – but this is why we can’t have nice things

    lordy lordy lordy – oy oy oy

    Comment by dianne | October 3, 2010 | Reply

    • Well thank you Dianne; that’s my main goal. Tears of laughter are even better than unicorn hymens for healing the sick.

      Oh so you have that kind of family too huh? At least it keeps you entertained. And it’s great that your kid has risen above it all!

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 4, 2010 | Reply

  24. I’ve read this three times, and I still can’t think of anything to say that would come close to expressing the love I have for this post.

    I’d like to pre-order 100 copies of your memoir.

    Comment by Bschooled | October 3, 2010 | Reply

    • I have to warn you though; my memoir is a horrible investment. People want me to pay them to read it. Oh shit; that’s means I’m going to owe you…. $500. I guess that was a good investment for you, after all.

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 4, 2010 | Reply

  25. OK, firstly I had to get the image of Precious being hurled at you, out of my head. That would not have ended at all well 😦

    A curious Loon wants to know if there was 5 second delay before your brain realized the enormity of the situation?

    Comment by frigginloon | October 4, 2010 | Reply

    • Try thinking of what would happen if Andy Dick and Justin Beiber were locked in a room together. That should do the trick.

      Yea, more like 20 seconds before it really ‘flared up.’

      Thanks Loon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 4, 2010 | Reply

      • Andy Dick, now there’s a mind fuck on a plate 😦

        Comment by frigginloon | October 6, 2010 | Reply

        • I may have to borrow that expression…

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 6, 2010 | Reply

  26. lol. god i cant stop laughing

    Comment by Artswebshow | October 4, 2010 | Reply

    • Glad you enjoyed it!

      Thanks Artswebshow!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 6, 2010 | Reply

  27. “When you are dealing with a penis everything is complicated.”

    Hilarious. Lines like that are why I gave you an award on my blog. Congrats!

    Comment by thoughtsappear | October 4, 2010 | Reply

    • Well thank you! I should probably tell you though; I got there first and ate the whole thing. Because I’m cupcake greedy like that.

      Thanks Thoughtsappear!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 6, 2010 | Reply

  28. I’ve heard chefs warn about peppers. I’m glad you lived to tell the tale. Has it ruined you from cooking or eatting nachos forever?

    Comment by starlaschat | October 5, 2010 | Reply

    • No, I ate the rest of the meat and peppers that I was able to salvage that very night. If I let humiliation and pain stop me, I could never leave the house.

      Thanks Starlaschat!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 6, 2010 | Reply

  29. This is always the kind of thing you think only happens to other people. Like having toilet paper stuck to your shoe as you leave the movie theater with your 14 yr old daughter who is laughing and mortified all at the same time. Good times.

    But you win with “Greek fire on your dick day”…nice work!

    Comment by Mick_Chick | October 6, 2010 | Reply

    • Holy shit, I never even knew that there was a “Greek fire on your dick day” and I’ve already won it. Luckily, my daughter still thinks I’m super cool, tp or no tp. Wait till I tell her that I’m the champion of “Greek fire on your dick day!”

      Thanks Mick_Chick!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 6, 2010 | Reply

  30. Wow! That is all I can say! You poor dear….lol!

    Comment by trishothinks | October 8, 2010 | Reply

    • It was bad for a half hour… but also kind of exciting!

      Thanks Trish!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 9, 2010 | Reply


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