Zodi’s Blog

The Love God Answers You

How do you know it’s Gonorrhea and not just a bad day? -From Lisa.

That’s a good question but one I can answer easily. You see Gonorrhea will cause your labia to contract and expand quickly and repeatedly causing a loud smacking sound to echo throughout the room. This is why it is also known as the clap. If you do have the dreaded disease you can take Doxycycline 100 mg, orally twice a day for 7 days or you could leave it to fester unchecked. I’d do that. It’ll make a neat party trick if you also invest in The Clapper for your electronics. This way you can invite people over for a disco and basically run everything, from the strobe lights to the back beat and bass tempo, out of your vagina. You’ll be the Most. Original. DJ. EVER. 

Just like this but with more strobe lights.

 

A *loving* young couple are caught making spritely love in the house they share with one of their parents. Upon being discovered, they……?? Multiple choice answers preferred thanks, Love God -From Ruby.

 

Well you’re welcome! The Love God loves three things in this world; helping others, talking about himself in the third person and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Oh and good manners. That was supposed to be in the top 3 but didn’t make the cut.

I love multiple choice. This’ll be just like a choose-your-own-adventure book but with more sex and humiliation. This actually happened to me when I was 19. Although we weren’t ‘full on’ yet it was really, really bad. I wish we were having sex because my mom would have seen less than what she ended up seeing. It’s ok though because now I’m better suited to answer your question.

Just like this but with more Nabooti.

A-   Bury your faces in each other’s hair/neck and hope and pray that by some miracle of desperate imagination a new physics law will come into existence stating that if you can’t see your parent then they can’t see you.

B-    Slowly extricate yourself from your partner being extremely careful not to look them in the eye.

C-    Very, very quickly get dressed and drive away, anywhere really, maybe to pick up an eighth of something or other, maybe to sit by the river and smoke, maybe to go to a bar and briefly consider following the Grateful Dead even though their music is nice for the first few hours but then, really starts to annoy the shit out of you, for fuck’s sake how long can a harmonica solo really go on…(?) before deciding that you aren’t cut out for that life because your hair gets too itchy if you don’t wash it every other day, and maybe do all three.

D-   Never, ever, ever, under any circumstances whatsoever, acknowledge that this incident occurred. Not to your parent/s, not to your partner, and certainly not to yourself. At least not for the next 18 years. Or until you have to help someone else with this sort of thing.  

E-    All of the above. *The correct answer is E.

 

 I just saw an episode of South Park where the one of kids said that “Statistically speaking, the most bacteria-ridden place on the planet is the mouth of an American woman!” OMG! Is this true? –From #1BJFan.

 

I think that there are a bunch of places on the planet more germy than an American woman’s mouth. I’ll bet I can name 10 right off the top of my head.

1- Thailand.

2- The factory where they make botulism and swine flu.

3- Tiger Woods’ dick.

4- Andy Dick’s vagina.

It's bacteria ridden. And messy.

Hmm, that’s all I got. So it’s not the most bacteria ridden place on the planet but it’s close enough for horseshoes. I’ll bet horseshoes have a lot of bacteria too since they’re what horses use to run around outside all day. But not more than an American woman’s mouth.

 

How does a girl make a man fall in love, especially if she looks like Girl w/a messed up face?  –From Lisa

 

Ok, first of all you don’t have a messed up face. But the best way to make a man fall in love with you is by doing all of the little things to perfection. Learn to give the perfect blowjob… and the perfect back rub, laugh at his jokes, smoke his crack with him but don’t ‘push the pipe’ and when a ‘job’ goes bad help him to alter his appearance and burn evidence. Stuff like that. And if none of that works then sleep with his friends. 

What is the G in g spot?

 

It stands for surreptitious. Not sure why. I don’t understand it either but what do you expect from a vagina?

 

How do you know if you think about sex too much?

 

When you begin to see three Puerto Rican midgets fucking Woody Allen’s corpse (you can’t convince me he’s not dead) everywhere you look. Or maybe that’s how you know you took too much LSD. Either way, stay safe.

His corpse seems to like it though.

My boyfriend used to be extremely inhibited in bed, almost like a corpse. We’ve been together over six months now and after much coaxing and prodding; he’s finally coming out of his shell. Maybe too much. I’m beginning to suspect that the boy’s a freak. Lately, just as I’m warming up he starts licking me, everywhere. I delight in a nice tongue lashing as much as the next girl but this isn’t normal. He licks my nipples; nice. He licks my neck; hot. He licks the inside of my ear which gets me a little squeamish. He licks my cheek. He licks my forehead. He licks my nose. He licks my eyelids. He licks until feel like I’m being fucked by Marmaduke.  

Is there something wrong with him? How do I tell him that I don’t enjoy all the licking without hurting his feelings? -From Tracy.

 

In the interest of fairness I first have to ask you if you’ve switched to a new face cream? Is it possible that you are using a new brand that smells like ice cream and bacon? If that were the case then it wouldn’t be his fault because there is no man alive who can resist ice cream and bacon. I’d personally lick the downy fur off the ass off Rosie O if it tasted like ice cream and bacon.

I'll bet it does taste like ice cream and bacon too!

 

If you don’t smell like bacon however, your boyfriend is retarded. Or he’s a werewolf. Maybe he’s a retarded werewolf. Maybe the salty sweat that’s a product of your lovemaking is as irresistible to him as ice cream and bacon would be to a normal man. Now that I think about it, he’s definitely a werewolf.

 

I wouldn’t tell him it bothers you. I’d endure his coarse, hungry tongue until the next new moon. That evening, while he is receiving his secret, coded messages directly from Wolf Blitzer’s oddly luminous eyes on The Situation Room, drug his Mountain Dew with as much Xanex as you can before it starts to taste good. (That would be a lot) Then when he is completely passed out, stab him 3 times in the heart with a #2 pencil being sure to fill in the answer fully and not go outside the lines. Next, wrap his body in a Confederate flag (unless you think he’d find that offensive?) and bury it in a long abandoned opal mine near your home.

He's the alpha wolf.

I hope you follow my well googled advice to a T; for all of our sakes.

 

You’re welcome people! Now I need more questions please. You can leave them in the comments or email me zodifl@hotmail.com if you wish to remain annonymous.

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October 7, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , ,

57 Comments »

  1. I protest. I think E is the wrong answer on the couple caught in bed. The correct answer is:

    “Start humming Tone-Loc which will invariably cause the parent to sing proudly “Hey you two, I was once like you and I like to do the Wild Thang”

    Comment by Bearman | October 7, 2010 | Reply

    • You have a damn fine point Bearman. Option Loc is not only viable but it just makes sense!

      Thanks Bearman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 7, 2010 | Reply

  2. when I was a kid in Brooklyn (where they discourage education) I though labia was the plural of lab – as in Golden Labia, Chocolate Labia, well trained Labia, guard Labia
    it made for interesting conversation

    I never saw my son having sex but I heard it a few times
    Brooklyn girls are noisy when they’re young
    I would smile before I turned up the volume on the TV and hope I had remembered to refill his condom drawer

    Comment by dianne | October 7, 2010 | Reply

    • In Brooklyn where they discourage education? We were both lucky growing up in civilization. Imagine these kids growing up today in Arkansas or Texas, god forbid. They probably think that the name for labia is ‘Jesus will cry if you touch them folds.’

      I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; I wish you were either my wife or my mom!

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 7, 2010 | Reply

  3. So THAT’s why it’s called The Clap. Learn something new every day!

    My mom caught me and my boyfriend(now husband)doin’ the deed and we chose option D. In fact, we choose option D for most things in my family.

    And that #2 pencil line cracked me up!

    Comment by Amy | October 7, 2010 | Reply

    • Indeed. Come to me for all of your sex ed, I’m here to help!

      They used to have me so paranoid about tests that I’d color those answers in like I was an autistic version of Van Gogh with a paint by numbers set.

      Thanks Amy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 7, 2010 | Reply

  4. Oh my. Andy dick’s vagina. I was dying.

    Did you put Rosie O’Donnell’s head on Sadaam?? I’d recognize that sexy chest anywhere.

    My labia are clapping for this post.

    Comment by Vodka and Ground Beef | October 7, 2010 | Reply

    • You’d really be dying if you got anywhere near his vagina, believe me.

      It the body of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed but I didn’t do it. Google is cool like that!

      What is the sound of one labia clapping? Think on it grasshopper.

      Thanks V & GB!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 7, 2010 | Reply

  5. Hilarity and frivolity! Such edifying answers to pertinent questions.
    When sprung at night in the dark by a parent, I went for option A and everyone became invisible. Spooky!

    I will try to generate a few questions over this forthcoming weekend.

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | October 7, 2010 | Reply

    • Thanks for all the compliments; you’re making me blush in all the right places!

      I can NOT WAIT for your questions Mitzi. Someone with your sexual panache coming to me will be the ultimate honor!

      Thanks Mitzi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 7, 2010 | Reply

  6. I had crabs once, but the damn legs were so small, they got lost in the butter/lemon/garlic sauce.

    Clapping labias would make a good name for a lesbian grunge band.

    Comment by jammer5 | October 7, 2010 | Reply

    • Don’t remind me. They don’t have crabs or lobster here Jammer.

      That is one of the coolest band names that I’ve ever heard. We should copy write that shit!

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 7, 2010 | Reply

      • It’s been posted, ergo, it’s copyrighted. If any female lesbian grunge band tries to use it, we either sue or ask them out on a date.

        Comment by jammer5 | October 7, 2010 | Reply

        • If posted means copywrited then I have a lot of suing to do. Seriously!

          I’d rather go for the money.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 8, 2010 | Reply

          • Actually, it does. I found that quite interesting when another person told me that. I wrote for a fiction site for awhile, and each post had the copyright date at the bottom. It’s automatic. I’ll settle for 10%, bro 🙂

            Comment by jammer5 | October 8, 2010 | Reply

            • Damn, I’ve been plagiarized at least three times that I know of too. Now I just have to hope that whoever stole my material made money off it.

              Hmmm… how do I get Dan Brown or Patterson to steal something???

              Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 8, 2010 | Reply

              • Tell em you like em 🙂

                Comment by jammer5 | October 8, 2010 | Reply

                • But I don’t. Well Brown can… be entertaining.

                  Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 9, 2010 | Reply

  7. It’s official now; Rosie is a werewolf.

    I love your definition of the Clap, Love God. I could just here an awsome backbeat as that cute little kitty spun the platters. When Tori Spelling runs, is there a “clip-clop” sound like Monty Python using coconuts to simulate horses? It would be so righteous. Ah . . . more things to keep us up at night. Great post!

    Comment by Dan McGinley | October 7, 2010 | Reply

    • You think so? She’s definitely something but I never had her pegged (thank god) until now.

      Thanks for that awful inspiring visual… and audile that you gave me, it’s like a slow motion horror scene still running amok in my head. Only the blond girl isn’t the victim this time. Her giant vagina is the antagonist instead, hungrily devouring everything in its path.

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 8, 2010 | Reply

  8. Good advice to Lisa regarding the clap–and when she gets old she can turn her lights on and off while still holding her beer!

    Comment by Thomas Stazyk | October 7, 2010 | Reply

    • That would be pretty damn awesome, even better than the penis I’d like only to be able to piss in rude places. I’m so glad to be a woman. Now I just got to find a guy who will give me the clap. Do you have the clap? Do any of you have the clap? Please?

      Comment by Lisa | October 7, 2010 | Reply

      • Aren’t you so glad that you held off on the penis acquisition? Now, you would have been stuck with it. Sure it’s easy to find a good home for a cute baby penis, but once they grow up they get kind of ugly and aggressive, leaving you with only two options; keep it and put up with the ‘unpleasantness,’ or have it put down.

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 8, 2010 | Reply

        • And everyone knows how hard they are to put down once you pick them up!

          Comment by Thomas Stazyk | October 8, 2010 | Reply

    • Although I’m not a medical expert, I’m fairly certain that the positives of Gonorrhea far outweigh the negatives.

      Thanks Thomas!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 8, 2010 | Reply

  9. Thanks to you that Rosie O pic will haunt us forever. You secretly have a crush on her, don’t you

    Comment by gazingatnavels | October 7, 2010 | Reply

    • No, not anymore. Not after she broke my heart. I’ll forever be the man that turned her away from… men.

      Thanks Gazingatnavels!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 8, 2010 | Reply

  10. “D” is the answer to everything in life! It is very important to use a #2 pencil too.

    Comment by Reb | October 7, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m going to guess that you are either Italian (me), Irish (me) or Jewish. Those are the best nationalities at avoidance!

      Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 8, 2010 | Reply

  11. Damn,I DO think about sex too much. I see Woody everywhere!

    Comment by Rev D | October 8, 2010 | Reply

    • So do I! I was always afraid that I just took too much and was going to stay like this but maybe he is a naturally occoring phenomona…

      Thanks Rev D!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 8, 2010 | Reply

  12. Bravo!

    I started commenting earlier, but this post caused my labia to pull and contract so violently that I had to admit myself to the nearest clinic.

    I hope Tracy takes your advice to heart. Had I read this years ago, I would have saved myself thousands of dollars on therapy sessions and painful skin grafts.

    Thank-you for enlightening me, Love God. Your wisdom is a resplendent light.

    Comment by Bschooled | October 8, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m so sorry about your labial dysfunction B. Unless it’s a good, happy thing? I never know whether to console or congratulate. Not for babies, not for breast or penis augmentation, not for much of anything. Me and my awkwardity, you know how it goes.

      Were you using ice cream and bacon skin care or was it the guy’s fault?

      I’m soo pleased that you noticed! I’ve been working so hard on my resplendent lighting.

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 8, 2010 | Reply

  13. Scott, you’re the coolest guy ever! Thanks for doing all my questions! I’m hoping people will now think I’m a skank and want to come to me blog. This is awesome!
    (Don’t tell anyone I’m not, please)

    You really are awesome and I LMAO.

    Comment by Lisa | October 8, 2010 | Reply

    • You’re so welcome Lisa; it was my pleasure! I realized in hindsight (actually it was based entirely on your comment) that I should have linked your name. I promise I’ll do it next time.

      Or this could have been a nefarious ploy to extract more hilarious and delightful questions…

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 8, 2010 | Reply

  14. I love the #2 pencil advice…..too funny!

    Thanks for a good laugh Scott!

    Comment by trishothinks | October 8, 2010 | Reply

    • I was afraid that I was the only one that would find that funny due to an overabundance of ‘line Nazis’ for teachers.

      Thanks Tracy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 8, 2010 | Reply

  15. I thought a Love God would eat oysters and asparagus not peanut butter and jelly

    Comment by nursemyra | October 8, 2010 | Reply

    • You have to remember that although I have the body and sexual prowess of a love god, I have the mental and emotional maturity of a 13 year old. I do eat olives in abundance at least!

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 8, 2010 | Reply

  16. My labia is also clapping at this post. And on it’s feet screaming BRAVO!!!! the visuals were stunning!

    Comment by Candy | October 8, 2010 | Reply

    • No, the visuals you just gave me were stunning. And happy making!

      Thanks Candy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 9, 2010 | Reply

  17. i’m not sure why but the obsessive licking story had me loll’n like a nutcase.
    i got the a vision of the girl drowning in a pool of saliva

    Comment by Artswebshow | October 8, 2010 | Reply

    • It would not be fun. If you’ve ever been the victim of an over exuberant dog you can empathize with that.

      Thanks Artswebshow!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 9, 2010 | Reply

  18. Cell phones I hear are super dirty,I just heard three times dirtier then a toilet. Coffee hasn’t kicked in yet so this is all I have. Funny post as usual.

    Comment by starlaschat | October 9, 2010 | Reply

    • I’ve heard that as well but it never really made much sense to me. I mean what do people DO with their cell phones to make them so dirty?

      Thanks Starlaschat!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 10, 2010 | Reply

  19. Wait…people can see you even if they can’t see them? Oops.

    Comment by thoughtsappear | October 10, 2010 | Reply

    • It was a real shock to my system to learn that rule the hard way. Life would be so much easier if only that were the case!

      Thanks Thoughtsappear!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 10, 2010 | Reply

  20. Gotta run!!!!!!!!!!…licking story……shower………OCD!!!!!!!!!!!

    Comment by elizabeth3hersh | October 10, 2010 | Reply

    • I once had a girlfriend who got kind of carried away with the ear licking myself and it made me squeamish and then break upish. Poor Tracy.

      Thanks Elizabeth!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 11, 2010 | Reply

  21. I am so grateful to the Love God’s wise multiple choice answers, but what has been the true enlightening experience here is that I have learnt that being licked all over my cheeks and forehead is not foreplay. I’m devastated, obviously, but grateful all the same…..

    Comment by RubyTwoShoes | October 10, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m glad you’re grateful Ruby, but really, if anything I owe you. Finally being able to get it out of my system has been very therapeutic. So which option did you choose?

      Thanks Ruby!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 11, 2010 | Reply

  22. I was just reading this again, and it struck me that Andy Dick and Woody Allen look startlingly alike. Do you see it?

    Comment by Vodka and Ground Beef | October 11, 2010 | Reply

    • Wow, I’m really starting to think that we are sharing a brain or something. I noticed it for the first time when I was putting them up and forgot about it until now.

      They’d make a hideous couple!

      Thanks V & GB!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 11, 2010 | Reply

  23. […] But the rest of you kept on going. And look at you, all grown up and sprouting facial hair and posts all over the place! (Especially you, Scott.) […]

    Pingback by I’m Back, Baby. « Fancy Plans… and Pants to Match | November 11, 2010 | Reply

  24. I heard that Andy Dick’s vagina is the only place the American Government wont search for Bin Laden.

    Although, I also heard that NASA plans on a manned mission to the inner depth of his sphincter to see if theres more life there than there is on the moon.

    Anal lice is still life.

    -Rick

    Comment by Rick Jones | November 11, 2010 | Reply

    • Andy Dick’s vagina is apparently also the only place that Adam Lambert won’t look for love these days. Or so I’ve heard.

      The problem is that NASA is now almost totally defunct. There’s no way they are going to be able to stay within budget on this mission. It’ll be a total wash. Which is kind of a good thing in itself.

      Thanks Rick!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 11, 2010 | Reply


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