Zodi’s Blog

Song Letters: Mrs. Jackson

Yo Andre,

 

You can go ahead on with your weak ass apology. You is about as real as an Acorn voter registration card. And if you didn’t want to make Lakesha cry then you shouldn’t have pissed on her and tol her it was R Kelly, “Makin it rain.” You damn sure shouldn’t have been bustin nutz in every chicken head from here to Frisco Bay either, motherfucker.      

 

There wouldn’t have even been no baby mama drama if you done just married her, like I tol you to. We all know it’s your house Dre. You made that shit abundantly clear when you was frontin on MTV Cribs. If you was a real man you would’ve been humiliated, showing off your indoor badminton court and Buddhist meditation room-slash-hot tub-slash-‘smoking lounge’ while you didn’t even have no lectricity or cable cause you disconnected them bitches. God forbid Kesha and your own flesh and blood baby should get to enjoy some godamn utilities. Those white folks with the cameras was laughing at you Dre. Who has a 174 inch widescreen flat projection laser holographic 3D TV with Audio Penetration Technology and don’t have no lectricity to turn it on? Andre motherfucking 3000, that’s who! You a Big Boi now! Get it?

 

It’s really sweet of you to mention how you pay for private school, daycare, and medical bills; you’s a real class act Dre. Your charity towards your own blood is awe astounding; it’s almost enough to make you forget that you HAVE to pay for that shit, it’s called child support and it been ordered by Family Division. Besides even if it weren’t court ordered you’d think you’d pay without having to brag about it. IT’S WHAT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO DO. Shit, ain’t you seen that Chris Rock HBO special? Oh, I forgot your cheap ass don’t even have cable. Or lectric.

 

Of course we weren’t going to invite you to our fish fries or birthday parties. You must be out your damn mind. Even when you was still kickin it with Kesha we hated inviting you to our barbecues. All you ever done was get dizzy off Old English and smoke like the roof was on fire. And you could never handle your dope, man. You always used to turn off our jams and pull out that cordless mic you carry around everywhere. Sure you can spit with some speed but you don’t make no godamn sense Dre. Nobody knows what the hell you’s on about half the time. Then, after the ‘free show’ you always end up getting preachy about the socio-economic state of the black community and the transcendental powers of metaphor usage to increase awareness in hip hop culture. You end up sounding like a mix tape of Jeremiah Write, Jesse Jackson and Deepak Chopra but looking like a mix between Orville Redenbacher and Steve Urkel, with a bad fro and a retro fashion pedigree.

                   

 

It’s nice to know that you’ll be ‘present on the first day of school and graduation.’ That’s a sweeping, comprehensive commitment on your part, really! The United Negro Fathers’ League called and they want to give you the Golden Condom Award for Most Dedicated Father of the Year. Are you sure you can make 2 events spread out over 15 years of your child’s life? I wouldn’t want you to over-commit and wear yourself too thin or anything.

Andre 3000

 I understand you have some legit beef too. Yea, her home-girls are a little bit nosy. But you gots to deal with that shit; it come with the territory. If you didn’t want your baby mama to have any friends then you should have laid down with a white woman. And I’m sure you did, you always fancied yourself a playa, didn’t you Dre?

 

Wait, what did you just say about “your dick all in her mouth?” I missed that one you mumbling, stuttering pimp-wanna-be-motherfucker. You talking about my blood you know? Oh shit, you don pissed me tha fuck off now!

 

 

Look, you skinny, anorexic looking rat, you lucky as lotto that I’m an educated, Jesus lovin, respectable black woman or I’d merk your godamn ass myself for makin my daughter cry like you did. I used to run with Bone Thugs back in the day an a sista still got a connect, you feel me? You know how many of Kesha’s cousins (and she got a lot of cousins) wants to run all up in your punk ass? Watch your back Dre.

 

Apology NOT accepted bitch.

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October 12, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , ,

71 Comments »

  1. I know you had to be tired writing that way…b/c I sure as hell am tired reading it.

    Comment by Bearman | October 12, 2010 | Reply

    • No, not at all. I love getting into a character. It’s fun as hell to me.

      Thanks Bearman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 12, 2010 | Reply

  2. If I was the bad ass dr, I’d be gettin’ me a white wash and start working for KFC.

    Comment by jammer5 | October 12, 2010 | Reply

  3. I don’t get it. I see nothing wrong with his actions. I applaud them. Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | October 12, 2010 | Reply

    • His mea culpa works on all the ladies. You gotta love Andre!

      Thanks Matt!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 12, 2010 | Reply

  4. Awesome!

    However, he was talking about Kesha’s friend in regards to his dick being all up in her mouf.

    It’s my favorite line in the song, so I know this!

    Comment by Candice | October 12, 2010 | Reply

    • Hey! Great to see you stranger. That’s one of my favorite lines as well. From now I’m coming to you for all my hip hop questions.

      Thanks Candice!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 12, 2010 | Reply

  5. Bwhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa R. Kelly. I loved this one, not that I don’t love all your post b/c you is cold medina, wigga.

    Now who else wanna F with Hollywood Cold?

    we come a long way like those slim ass cigarettes from Virginia

    Comment by Lisa | October 12, 2010 | Reply

    • They are both great. I do love me some Outkast as you can probably tell. I can’t buy any cold medicine here though so if you want to mail me some Nyquil while you are mailing me the Percs and Vics, I’d appreciate it!

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 12, 2010 | Reply

      • Well ok! What are friends for?

        Comment by Lisa | October 12, 2010 | Reply

        • I can’t thank (or pay you) enough!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 13, 2010 | Reply

  6. Major kudos for sustaining that voice through the entire letter. I wouldn’t think a white boy from FL now living in Spain would be down with the lingo like you are. Bravo, sir.

    “I used to run with Bone Thugs back in the day an a sista still got a connect, you feel me?”
    I am SO using this line. Hope you don’t mind!

    Comment by Amy | October 12, 2010 | Reply

    • Ha, I love that ‘voice.’ I grew up in a bad part of Pittsburgh though. That’s where I get most of the characters I call on from time to time.

      If you’ve ever seen The Wire, it reminds me of home so much it makes me nostalgic. I’m not even kidding.

      The line is yours!

      Thanks Amy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 12, 2010 | Reply

  7. Oh, that was excellent! Mark Twain got nuthin’ on you! Writing in dialect – and doing it well – which you did STUNNINGLY – is amazingly difficult. Bravo!

    Comment by Desert Rat | October 12, 2010 | Reply

    • Well thank you! Being compared to Twain is the nicest compliment that I will receive all year. I wouldn’t let any literary types hear you say that though.

      Thanks Dessert Rat!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 13, 2010 | Reply

      • Waddya mean? I *am* a literary type. Be happy to go the mats in your defense!

        Comment by Desert Rat | October 13, 2010 | Reply

        • I’m just happy seeing you on the mats. I wish I had a camera!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 15, 2010 | Reply

  8. Well, mighty fine writing, even if I have no idea what you were talking about. (the links are “copyrighted by Sony and not available in your country”, but I only got through about the first 6 bars in the first link Lisa provided) I don’t think it breaks my heart that I didn’t get to listen 😉

    Comment by Reb | October 12, 2010 | Reply

    • Canada doesn’t let you listen to music on Youtube? Outkast was huge here and even in Europe, still are somewhat. Actually, I think you would like them if you heard a couple of songs. They are catchy.

      Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 13, 2010 | Reply

  9. Looking forward to seeing what you come up with for “Hey Ya.” 🙂

    Comment by gazingatnavels | October 12, 2010 | Reply

    • That’s another great idea!

      Thanks Gazingatnavels!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 13, 2010 | Reply

  10. I’d have Andre3000’s baby in a flash.

    Comment by nursemyra | October 12, 2010 | Reply

    • So would I Nursemyra. But only because I’m baby crazy right now.

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 13, 2010 | Reply

      • you can have mine if you like Scott

        Comment by nursemyra | October 13, 2010 | Reply

        • Like? I’d love it! We should proly hurry up and make a couple.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 14, 2010 | Reply

  11. nobody, I mean NOBODY, can speak/write in as many voices as you can

    it’s fucking fantastic

    I hear the voices

    Comment by dianne | October 12, 2010 | Reply

    • Well I feel quite complimented! I’m glad I’m not the only one hearing them!

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 13, 2010 | Reply

  12. You know, I played that song about a million times while DJing at a bar, and I never heard the “dick in the mouth” line. Weird. After about the 15th play, though, you tend to start tuning out most of it. And 15 plays was only about 5 nights into its interminable run.

    My advice: if you really want to hate popular music, DJ at a top 40 station or a top 40-esque dance club. Nothing kills pop faster than repetition. I still hear songs like this one on the radio and think, “Wow, I was sick of this song over a decade ago.” It makes me feel old. Old and bitter.

    On the other hand, you write a hell of an alter ego. Between that and the font change, I was almost believing you had been hijacked by an angry black woman named Times New Roman.

    I won’t even try to get into it dialect-wise with you. You’re head and shoulders above the rest of us there, and I usually end up retreading “Old Guy” or “Canadian/Brit.” And to think, I pretended I respected Andre3000 up until I read this. Goddamn! Now I can finally stop pretending! That’s a weight off my underladen shoulders!

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | October 13, 2010 | Reply

    • I can’t even tell you how nice it is to see you again my friend. You’re like a breath of fresh air for a guy who’s been stuck in a Chilean mine for 3 months. Too soon? But you really are.

      I guess it just goes to show you that you only hear what you want to hear and block out the rest. It’s the only reason that people like Glenn Beck and Keith Olbermann haven’t been publicly flogged in my opinion.

      I’m having the opposite effect. Since I never get to hear any music at all, especially now that you’ve shut down for the winter, I’m instantly hooked to whatever mindless drivel I hear first. I still can’t get that Godamn Bad Romance out of my head.

      You are still the king. Long live the king!

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 13, 2010 | Reply

  13. This letter was freaking hilarious. Your ability to stay in character all the way through is very impressive! Damn good stuff dude.

    Comment by Jay | October 13, 2010 | Reply

    • I grew up with a few of these characters. Old Pissed Off Black Woman was definitely a favorite!

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 13, 2010 | Reply

  14. I love love love this post. It’s exactly what I needed right now. I was dying at this: “Golden Condom Award for Most Dedicated Father of the Year.”

    But the last line: “Apology not accepted bitch.”

    Wow. Zodiblog keepin’ it on the rizzle.

    Comment by Vodka and Ground Beef | October 13, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m especially pleased to have been able to provide what you needed when you needed it. It makes me feel like I’m building up some really good karma so one day when I have a headache some kindly stranger with beautiful and shiny hair will come along and give me a morphine drip!

      Thanks V & GB!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 13, 2010 | Reply

  15. Thanks Scott, it should take a week for me to stop talking like Eminem 😦

    Comment by frigginloon | October 13, 2010 | Reply

    • Ooh you should hurry up and write a few angsty songs then!

      Thanks Loon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 13, 2010 | Reply

      • I was thinking of just turning some of my comments into a rap hit. There are enough F**k You’s to pull it off 🙂

        Comment by frigginloon | October 15, 2010 | Reply

        • Yea but do you have enough words that rhyme with fuck you? Cause that’s key….

          Thanks Loon!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 15, 2010 | Reply

  16. You done made me chuckle on this here far side of the world. Aren’t ‘open letters’ a really wierd form of communication?

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | October 13, 2010 | Reply

    • One of my favorites. As many different genres as I’ve used here, this is the one that I always come back to.

      Thanks Mitzi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 13, 2010 | Reply

  17. you tell him. lol

    Comment by Artswebshow | October 13, 2010 | Reply

    • Hey, wasn’t me. You’d have to hear the voice to get that joke though.

      Thanks Artswebshow!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 13, 2010 | Reply

  18. you are always a great read I mean who thought I would be sitting here at 6 in the morning reading about bustin nutz, chicken heads, and dicks in mouths… i think this is gonna be a good day.

    Comment by Siren | October 13, 2010 | Reply

    • If you base your ability to have a good day on those criteria, then I had the Best. Childhood. EVER!!

      Thanks Siren!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 13, 2010 | Reply

  19. GIVE ‘EM HELL, dude !

    Comment by Heff | October 13, 2010 | Reply

    • Mrs Jackson will. But only if you’re nasty.

      Thanks Heff!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 13, 2010 | Reply

  20. I’m so impressed that you wrote that way for that long.

    Bone Thugs…I’ll see you at the Crossroads.

    Comment by thoughtsappear | October 14, 2010 | Reply

    • Weren’t they great? Or maybe they’re still around, I’ll have to google it to find out.

      Thanks Thoughtsappear!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 14, 2010 | Reply

      • It’s da first of da monthhhhhhhhhh. cash your checks and come onnnnn

        Comment by Lisa | October 15, 2010 | Reply

  21. Hey! Where’s your 12 of 12?!

    Comment by Bethany | October 14, 2010 | Reply

    • Oh sorry. I suck at knowing the date. I’m almost like a Mayan out here. Except without all the dates.

      Thanks Bethany!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 14, 2010 | Reply

      • I’m counting on you for November 12th!

        Comment by Bethany | October 14, 2010 | Reply

        • Oh shit I didn’t accidentally run for senator again did I? Or wait, when are people supposed to vote for me?

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 14, 2010 | Reply

  22. Being a militant egalitarian means that I shun the hierarchy and competition of Top 40 music and only ever strictly to listen to Bottom 4o tunes, so I am afraid I have no idea who this is a letter to. But you seem to have a problem with your “t” key…..

    Comment by RubyTwoShoes | October 14, 2010 | Reply

    • I never knew what a militant egalitarian meant until just now, I only knew that it sounded interesting. But I don’t know if I can deal with the bottom 40. I’m afraid there’d be too much John Tesh.

      Thanks Ruby!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 14, 2010 | Reply

  23. That was briliant. It reminded me of the scene in the classic original movie Airplane, when Beaver’s mom goes up to the sick black guy on the plane and says, “Excuse me. I speak jive.” And she starts spewing forth some funny shit.

    You so funnee Scott.-Word

    Comment by Candy | October 14, 2010 | Reply

    • I love Airplane! It’s one of my earliest influences in comedy, actually.

      “She answered the door in her pajamas.” And I though, “that’s a strange place to have a door.”

      Thanks Candy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 14, 2010 | Reply

  24. I’m surprised at how fast that read. Lots of emotional layers. Now I’m going to scroll up and listen.

    Comment by starlaschat | October 14, 2010 | Reply

    • Well thanks, you almost made me sound like a for real writer!

      Thanks Starlaschat!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 14, 2010 | Reply

  25. Wow, I’m on your blog now forever? Forever, ever? Forever, ever?
    I just figured you had figured out who you wanted on your blogroll way befo my ghetto ass rolled up all in yo grill, wigga. It never even occured to me that you would put me up, cause you higha on da food chain of blogging bloggers. Seriously.
    Now I guess that mean you my pimp. Dat remind me of an old Ice Cube joint on da real.
    Thank you!!!!Thank you very, very much!!!!

    Comment by Lisa | October 14, 2010 | Reply

    • No problem Lisa. Like I said, I just kept forgetting.

      I love that Ice Cube! I grew up on that shit. The second concert I ever went to in my life was Public Enemy in 88. The first was U2, and the third was Ozzy so at least I’ve always been open minded!

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 14, 2010 | Reply

      • Me too on the growing up on all the rappers, man. Ice Cube was the real. “You ain’t white so quit holding your butt tight” Didn’t matter they were calling us white devils. i loved me some brand nubian, paris, and x-clan. I bet you liked Ice Ice Baby like me too, but you wouldnt admit it!
        Wu-tang! my fav solo one was gza.
        iwas really bummed out when Guru kicked the can. Besides Outkast, Bone Thugs and publicEnemy i digged these groups: A Tribe Called Quest, de la soul, goodie mob, junior mafia, Cyprus Hill, the Pharcyde, etc.
        And don’t forget my bitches! Queen Latifah, MC Lyte, da brat, yoyo, monie love.

        Modern rap usually sucks

        Comment by Lisa | October 15, 2010 | Reply

        • and main source

          Comment by Lisa | October 15, 2010 | Reply

          • salt n pepa

            Comment by Lisa | October 15, 2010 | Reply

        • No I never did like the Vanilla. Well, maybe for the first month.

          Yep, I loved all of them, but with a lot more Tupac. I do love modern hip hop as well though. The only genre of it I can’t stand is that Southern Repeatashit. I could listen to nothing but Jay-Z and Em and I’d be happy. Then again that’s almost all I hear, being over here and all.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 15, 2010 | Reply

          • yeah i love me some tupac and some biggie, and i love me some jigga and eminem, but like their old stuff more.

            oh except california love, the most overplayed song in history

            Comment by Lisa | October 15, 2010 | Reply

  26. Spanish white boy playing in the ghetto.
    Damn Scott, you really do have a hell of an imagination, and you can write it so we feel and hear it like we we’re standing in the room.
    Do you have ANY plans of crossing the pond soon?

    Comment by Micky-T | October 14, 2010 | Reply

    • My childhood was in a hood Mic, how’d you know? Thank you for the fantastic compliments, you’re making blush so as to almost appear black!

      Yea, for sure by the end of spring. We’ll be back by June 1 def!

      Thanks Micky!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 15, 2010 | Reply

  27. Three things:

    1) Why do the words “baby mama drama” always make me laugh?
    (I’m not kidding, it really bothers me when this happens.)

    2) Why do the words ““your dick all in her mouth?” always make me gag? (This one doesn’t bother me as much.)

    3) Can I borrow your mind for like, an hour or so? I have a few letters I need to write (Mr. Wendall, my brown-eyed girl,Stan), and I can’t do it without you.

    Let me know.

    Comment by Bschooled | October 15, 2010 | Reply

    • Well 1 and 2 are easy B; they’re both Pavlovian responses to auditory stimuli bringing about a physical reaction. In the case of ‘baby mama drama’ it probably brings back memories of a carefree day in your past; sitting on your couch drunk or stoned, eating Pringles and watching Ricky Lake. With number 2 it’s probably best not to talk about. Or think about too much. I know for me….

      As for number 3, of course I’ll help you; it would be an honor. Get the couch and the Pringles ready and don’t forget to DVR some reruns of Ricky!

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 15, 2010 | Reply


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