Zodi’s Blog

The Cake Incident

Many of you have asked me why I don’t drink. I could say that it is because pills are so much better but that would only be half the answer. The other half comes in hundreds, maybe thousands, of individual reasons. The Cake Incident is but one of those reasons.

 

Costa Rica is a lush subtropical paradise replete with an amazing array of wildlife, beautiful jungles with lush flora and fauna and white sand beaches that boast the best surf in Central America. It was in this idyllic setting that I almost either became a political prisoner, minus the politics, or became Jaguar kibble and bits. And bits. And bits. –Sorry, that was probably an OCD thing where I had to type all that because that was how it sounded in my head and if you all didn’t ‘hear’ it the way I did then the world would suffer a zombie apocalypse. And I didn’t want to be the cause of that.

 

We had been there for a week, surfing, almost dying while surfing, doing coke, playing with the monkeys and drinking excessively. Well I had anyway, my wife pretty much lay in the sun and did respectable people’ things. By this time I could tell that my hard vacationing lifestyle was beginning to take its toll and make her irritated and ragey. I figured it out by the way she was yelling at me and telling me to go pet the poison darts frogs and feed the coral snake. Because I’m perceptive like that.

Who’s a cutsy little dartsy frog? You are, yes, yes you are!!

 

I decided to go down to the beach and have a few more vodkas while I ate my dinner of the little green olives that came with my vodkas while I figured out how to make her stop wanting to kill me. Not drinking was too easy, it never would have worked. After a few more drinks I forgot what I was trying to figure out and went home in a ‘spectacular’ mood. By ‘spectacular’ I mean obliviated. But when I got home Wifey was all murdery again just because it was 3am, like I’m somehow responsible for the linear qualities of time and space. – I wasn’t responsible for that but I don’t think she ‘understood’ that.

 

That’s when it dawned on me like a cartoon thought bubble, “She loves chocolate and she loves cake! Both chocolate and cake seem to make her more happy and less murdery! If I could find her an amalgamation of the two, a chocolate cake if you will, she’ll be powerless against the delightful concoction! Not only will she forget about murder but she’ll probably turn into a motherfucking leprechaun and lead me to a basket of blood diamonds!” –I’m not really sure why I thought the last part; I get weird and delusional when I’m that drunk. Then I realized that I had seen such a cake while I drank vodka and she ate dinner the day before, and so I knew I had my solution.

I like Leprechauns. But I don’t like midgets. Midgets don't have any godamn diamonds!

It was without word or warning that I set out upon my quest to subdue Wifey with a chocolate cake, and possibly find a cashe of ill-gotten diamonds in the process. The only problem was that due to my inability to manipulate time it was now past 3am and I had very little motor control or brain power left in my arsenal.

 

I made my way through the jungle paths that connected our cottage with the rest of the hotel and the restaurant. After getting lost a few times and falling down a few times I finally found the open air restaurant. It was pitch black and completely deserted. This didn’t faze me at all. I simply climbed the little fence that separated the kitchen from the restaurant, fell down, climbed it again, then fell down on the inside part.  I rummaged through a few refrigerators until I found the ‘forgiveness cake’ for Wifey and a bunch of cooked hamburger patties for me. I was already stealing food; I might as well have a bite too, right? So I sat on the kitchen floor and ate hamburger patties covered in ketchup until I started to feel sick. I then threw the cake (which was in a box) over the fence and somehow managed to get back over it myself. 

Sure, it looks safe here. You didn't see it at 3am with criminals running around with their spoils.

I tried to make my way back to Wifey with my noble gesture but I got lost and felt sick, so I decided to fall into the weeds of the jungle 10 feet off the path and pass out until security from the hotel found me.

 

My plan worked to perfection. They also apparently knew how I’d come upon the crushed box of cake on my chest as well, due to the well placed and monitored security cameras throughout the property. After yelling at me in Spanish they brought me to my cottage and made Wifey promise not to let me out again that night.

 

I’m really lucky that they found me at all and even luckier that they didn’t have me arrested but they’re probably used to drunk people trying to steal cake for their pissed off wives. They didn’t let her have the cake though, even after all my effort. I’ll bet they were ‘on the take’ and ate the crushed up cake and that’s why they let me off, now that I think about it.  

Like this, but with cake instead of guns or blow.

Afterward she seemed twice as murdery for some reason. Probably because she got screwed out of her cake by the dirty security men and it made her bitter. So in the spirit of compromise I promised to cut down a little, and did, for the rest of the trip.

 

That’s one reason that I don’t drink anymore; because it severely impairs my ability to steal cake.


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October 15, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , ,

75 Comments »

  1. “I then threw the cake over the fence…” Zodlesby, I am de-fence-less against this crazy tale, I am staggering with laughter, not drunkness.

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | October 15, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m glad you like it Mitzi! I have a few hundred more where that came from. I’m hesitant to put some of this stuff ‘out there’ though.

      Thanks Mitzi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 15, 2010 | Reply

  2. Now you know why the phrase “leave bad enough alone” was invented!

    Comment by Thomas Stazyk | October 15, 2010 | Reply

    • Oh, I thought that phrase had something to do with heroin and Leroy Brown.

      Thanks Thomas!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 15, 2010 | Reply

  3. Good idea, but the timing and method were a little off. Did you ever think of letting your wife sit on you to relieve her frustration? It seems to work with female gorillas.

    Comment by Gorilla Bananas | October 15, 2010 | Reply

    • You just described my problems with dancing, cooking, acting, singing, having sex, fighting, and damn near everything else I do.

      I’ll remember this next time!

      Thanks Gorilla Bananas!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 15, 2010 | Reply

  4. At least you didn’t get arrested for DUI while driving back to the theatre where you WORK to steal a movie poster from the front displays – and it was “A Fish Called Wanda” one sheet. Hardly worth a late night drunken steal-o-rama.

    Comment by Evil Twin's Wife | October 15, 2010 | Reply

    • That is an excellent story and sounds a lot like something I would do, maybe even have done. Are you sure that we never dated? Did you ever live in Pittsburgh or Tampa?

      And that movie was a classic!

      Thanks EvilTwinsWife!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 15, 2010 | Reply

  5. Stealing cake is awesome! You’re my hero!

    I like that you wrote “And bits. And bits.” because I was thinking it, too, but bring on the zombie apocalypse. I’m ready.

    Has anyone ever told you that you look like a little like McSteamy from Grey’s Anatomy in your picture? Don’t tell your wife I said that.

    Comment by thoughtsappear | October 15, 2010 | Reply

    • Then you would have loved me to death in my junior high school days. I stole more sugar products than a hypoglycemic kleptomaniac.

      I personally can’t wait for the zombie apocalypse. If only because they’re be a lot of free cake and open pharmacies!

      I’ll take it for sure. And you can feel free to tell the world!

      Thanks Thoughtsappear!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 15, 2010 | Reply

  6. It is fortunate that in your state you decided to steal a cake and not attempt to bake one. That would have been tragic and you wouldn’t be alive to type this. Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | October 15, 2010 | Reply

    • Well that would’ve just been crazy. Although I have almost burnt down many a houses…

      Thanks Matt!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 15, 2010 | Reply

  7. “playing with the monkeys” Is that what you call it huh?

    Comment by Bearman | October 15, 2010 | Reply

    • That’s just one of many euphemisms Bearman!

      Thanks Bearman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 15, 2010 | Reply

  8. lmao omg i can just imagine what they were saying/yelling at you.

    well… its the thought that counts right??? Wifey seems to have the patience of a saint when it comes to you lol

    Comment by Susi Spice | October 15, 2010 | Reply

    • It wasn’t actually too bad considering what I had done. I think they were actually more concerned about the passing out in the jungle part.

      She has been pretty patient but I’m pretty sure it’s because she has some sort of plan to kill me in the future.

      Thanks Susi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 15, 2010 | Reply

      • haha and given this blog will be admissable in court she will probably be acquitted

        lol

        Comment by Susi Spice | October 16, 2010 | Reply

        • If it’s a jury trial for sure.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 16, 2010 | Reply

          • u think a judge wouldnt let u off??…. ur a charmer..just makes sure its a female judge… hehe

            Comment by Susi Spice | October 17, 2010 | Reply

            • I always get lucky with that. Out of my seven jury trials…. I’ve said too much.

              Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 17, 2010 | Reply

  9. at least you were trying to do a good thing
    one of my last drunken episodes was a lot like this except I was being a selfish bitch and broke into my ex’s house to get back all my booze

    Comment by dianne | October 15, 2010 | Reply

    • Ha, I could just see you too! I’ve actually done that as well. If you’re going to break and enter then it’s got to be for booze, drugs or cake. Or hamburger patties. Because they’re good too.

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 15, 2010 | Reply

  10. You and my husband need to get together and swap “why I don’t drink anymore” stories (ask him about the time he set himself on fire). Your wife and I need to get together and swap “why are we still with these idiots” stories.

    “And bits. And bits. And bits.”
    If you hadn’t typed it, I still would have been thinking it.

    Comment by Amy | October 15, 2010 | Reply

    • That sounds like a plan, I’ll bring the vodka! The funny thing is that it was so easy for me to stop. So much easier than say, smoking. Or gambling. Or other things…

      So you see what I meant! If I hadn’t typed that, who knows where it would have ended.

      Thanks Amy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 15, 2010 | Reply

  11. I have a three bucket beer afternoon falling down can’t get up piss my pants make it to the boat bash head piss in coffee cup wifes not there story that I’d love to tell you in person some time.

    Comment by Micky-T | October 15, 2010 | Reply

    • Haha, I’ve pissed myself a few times as well. And I still piss in a cup sometimes to this day.

      Someday soon, for sure!

      Thanks Micky!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 16, 2010 | Reply

      • Remind me never to accept a cup of tea from you Scott

        Comment by nursemyra | October 16, 2010 | Reply

        • No, not in a tea cup silly. In a soup cup. -kidding, in a throw away water bottle in the middle of the night.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 17, 2010 | Reply

  12. Oh my1 My life is & was so very tame compared to yours. Very glad you didn’t wind up ‘bits & bits & bits’!

    Comment by Reb | October 15, 2010 | Reply

    • It’s never too late, although I’m a fan of tame now myself.

      Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 16, 2010 | Reply

  13. Wow. Now we’re truly brothers. I’ve done some crazy ass stuff in my life, but you have the nads to write about it, and therein lies the truest nobility. I really, really need a career soon but fear that someone may read about my “Bad Luetenant” days on the net. Perhaps if I get hired, I’ll open up about the times I did this or that, but for now I’ll read about your escapades and feel much better. Drinking is also in my rear mirror. Some nights I may nurse a few lites, but they are very few and far between. Hangovers come too easily! That cake story was priceless! We would have been executed if we partied together . . .

    Comment by Dan McGinley | October 15, 2010 | Reply

    • We’ve always been truly brothers Dan. I don’t have the balls to write about the Georgie J type of stuff yet though, probably never will. But I’d love to.

      I know exactly what you mean; I even have my damn picture on here. I guess I’m backing myself into a corner that ensures I’ll always write/work for myself. Otherwise, I’m just an idiot.

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 16, 2010 | Reply

      • You’re crazy like a fox, my friend. I once again call up the great H.S. Thompson, who made a great living “airing it out”. You’re running with the wolves!

        Comment by Dan McGinley | October 17, 2010 | Reply

        • Thanks Dan! But I think they’re actually chasing me…

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 17, 2010 | Reply

  14. Leprechauns bring diamonds?

    Comment by Rev D | October 15, 2010 | Reply

    • They do in my drunk mind. Isn’t it awesome?

      Thanks Rev D!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 16, 2010 | Reply

  15. You are SO lucky that the cake was there to break your fall! It must’ve been sponge cake.

    Comment by gazingatnavels | October 15, 2010 | Reply

    • Luckily the jungle is pretty soft to begin with. Imagine if I were in Afghanistan…

      Thanks Gazingatnavels!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 16, 2010 | Reply

  16. Blahaahaha, I bet those two timing cake stealing security guards have posted the surveillance vid on Youtube. Bastards!

    Comment by frigginloon | October 16, 2010 | Reply

    • OMG Loon, lmao.

      Comment by Lisa | October 16, 2010 | Reply

    • Hilarious, but my mind would give up and pass out long before my body could get to that stage. That’s just ridiculous.

      Thanks Loon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 16, 2010 | Reply

  17. You poor dear! I’m glad the wifey whipped you into shape there, Winona! Though I don’t cotton much to stealing, I’d have been touched your drunk ass cared enough to snatch me a cake. I bet the poor woman thought she’d be widowed before y’all got back to the states with you riding waves and such. I’m just so glad you made it back alive. That’s funny as hell though. I love it when you tell about your life best of all, as much as I love the characters you do.
    If it isn’t an unpleasant memory or in any ways distasteful to you, will you one day tell how you realized you had a touch of the OCD? I am fascinated by how greatly you use it to your advantage instead of being all Howard Hughesish and shit. You’re like the poster boy for well adjusted OCDers. I remember in the hospital thinking, I wonder what Scott would do in such a situation and that you wouldn’t be such a wuss and all fight or flighty.`
    In summary, you’re cool and your wife is cool/ saintly for not killing you, esp. for the wave thing more than the drinking thing. But I’m glad she checked yoself before you wrecked yourself.

    Comment by Lisa | October 16, 2010 | Reply

    • You may be onto something. That was shortly after the surfing incident occurred so maybe she was so happy that I didn’t die that she gave me a pass on the murder. She’s glad I quit drinking though, for sure. That was one funny story, and there are hundreds more but there are also plenty of really sad ones as well.

      Yea, I’ll be sure to write about that someday soon. Now that you mention it, it would be pretty funny. The bad part of that totally disappeared on its own though. I don’t know how or why but it did. I make my wife lock up the house at night.

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 16, 2010 | Reply

  18. So what did you replace the alcohol with? We always seem to replace one habit with another one. I feel sure you will tell the truth because…let’s face it…after some of the stuff you’ve posted here, you surely couldn’t have too much left to hide!?

    Comment by Karen lee Thompson | October 16, 2010 | Reply

    • Actually nothing really, since I haven’t enjoyed pot for years now. I love Percs, any kind of opiates really, but they don’t make them in Spain. I even quit smoking. I do drink ridiculous amounts of caffeine now though. Unless you want to mail me a script, that’s it.

      Thanks Karen!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 16, 2010 | Reply

  19. It’s true that quitting drinking is by most accounts a sound decision, but I’m willing to be you don’t have nearly as many adventures quite like this one. I’m blogrolling you, brother.

    Comment by Dr. Ken | October 16, 2010 | Reply

    • Believe it or not, I actually do. Just not as often. They are still extremely entertaining however, just read some of my older posts and you’ll see what I mean!

      Thanks Dr. Ken!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 17, 2010 | Reply

  20. I swear you need to write a memoir of the good, bad, and the ugly. It would be the best thing ever. I took me some percocet once when i had my wisdom teeth out. The room spun a bit, which is kind of fun, but then i fell asleep.

    Comment by Lisa | October 16, 2010 | Reply

    • I plan to, someday.

      Really? They’ll have me cleaning the house and talking to people I hate. As soon as you get some more, you’ll know just what to do with them!

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 17, 2010 | Reply

  21. Well no one can accuse you of being lazy. Tenacity like that is truly stupefying!

    Comment by Mick_Chick | October 16, 2010 | Reply

    • They can now, believe me. Spain does that to a person. It’s awful.

      Thanks Mick_Chick!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 17, 2010 | Reply

      • Well then I guess it’s a good thing you quit drinking before you moved to Spain! Drunk but tenacious to please your wife might be annoying but still holds some charm. Drunk & lazy just leads to sleeping the days away in your own filth, broke and without the wife who once thought you charming.

        Comment by Mick_Chick | October 18, 2010 | Reply

        • Oh for sure. The drunk here do drink all day every day until they die. But they also manage to work their asses off until they die as well. Unless they die by driving off a cliff. Which happens a lot too. I’ve said too much.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 19, 2010 | Reply

  22. This is really noble of you Scott. Even though she might have reason to murder you later on, for now she should consider herself a very lucky woman. You sacrificed yourself in that jungle so that she could have some crushed cake. That is love.

    By the way, I agree with you about the midgets/diamonds thing. Well put.

    Comment by Vodka and Ground Beef | October 18, 2010 | Reply

    • That’s what I keep telling her but as she, “Ain’t tryin to hear dat shit.” She turns into Mrs. Jackson when she’s murdery; I think all women do now that I think about it.

      I think that midgets should start, like, a ‘thing’ where they give away some precious metal or gems or something if you can find their house. Sometimes I come up with awesome ideas!

      Thanks V & GB!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 18, 2010 | Reply

  23. Dude! Stealing cake while inibra imebtra drunk is a god given right. We once rolled a porta-potty down a hill with some guy in it while we were drunk, but I don’t think that’s a god given right. For some reason the guy was yelling, probably like your wife, that he was going to kill us, but we drove away in an erratic manner, never to be seen again.

    Comment by jammer5 | October 18, 2010 | Reply

    • That is a great story but, god damn I hope it wasn’t your friend. That would suck big balls. When we were kids we managed to tip one over and I’ll never forget the all consuming smell. It never really did go away.

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 19, 2010 | Reply

  24. Scott,

    You are lucky you didn’t wake up with a bunch of “fire ants” or some other aggressive form of ants all over you! Especially since you were in a jungle. You must have had an angel watching over you that night.

    I think your wife keeps you around for laughs….you are entertaining as hell!

    Trisho

    Comment by trishothinks | October 19, 2010 | Reply

    • Believe it or not I have been attacked by fire ants. I was in Florida and passed out/fell asleep on a towel while I was lying out. I woke up and was covered in them. The produced these insidious, painful little red bumps that lasts about a week or two. It was pure torture.

      My recounting was probably more entertaining that the actually event though. At least with the cake and at least for her…

      Thanks Trish!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 19, 2010 | Reply

  25. Imagine how much worse this could have been if you didn’t eat those olives for dinner?!

    Comment by RubyTwoShoes | October 19, 2010 | Reply

    • I know, right? I probably wouldn’t have had the strength to scale the fence at all.

      Thansk Ruby!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 19, 2010 | Reply

  26. Donald Sutherland looks a lot shorter when he’s in Ireland.

    Comment by Cooper Green | October 19, 2010 | Reply

    • Holy crap that is totally Donald’s ‘mini me.’ Nice catch!

      Thanks Cooper!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 19, 2010 | Reply

  27. I have so many stories like this, Scott. Blackouts prevent me from recalling most of the ‘events’ so I remain blissfully unaware (that in conjunction with memory deficits)…loved your story!!

    Comment by elizabeth3hersh | October 19, 2010 | Reply

    • I was thinking about doing a whole series of tales of drunken debauchery. I just wish I didn’t use my real name when I started this blog. Oops.

      I’ve always considered blackouts to be a gift from the God of Drink. We mustn’t anger this God by prying too deeply into what may or may not have occurred. Seriously, when have you ever been happy that you were able to ‘piece’ the night back together?

      Thanks Elizabeth!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 20, 2010 | Reply

  28. “Who’s a cutsy little dartsy frog? You are, yes, yes you are!! ” Funny stuff. Tough stuff too, it’s interesting the stories that switch the light bulb on. I hope nobody ever sends you a package in the mail. I bet it’s been a lot of work to make this change. Your honesty about your past is admirable.

    Comment by starlaschat | October 19, 2010 | Reply

    • I was very surprised at how incredibly easy it was to stop. I had always considered myself to be a functional alcoholic but when it came time to quit it was amazing. Maybe if I’d tried a few years earlier it would have been harder but I guess I was ready. Life really is so much better now though!

      Thanks Starlaschat!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 20, 2010 | Reply

  29. Ok, I need you to stick one of those “subscribe” buttons on your blog, because your new posts NEVER show up on my reader. (And since I’m a computer wizard, we both know it’s not me!)

    This is why I love you, Scott. You have the courage to admit things that I myself would deny to the point where I’d get a lawyer and sue someone for slander. (Even though the security cameras would prove that I did, in fact, go behind the bar, stick my mouth under the draught beer nozzle, then proceed to let the bartenders “feel me up”.)

    Remind me to eat before reading your posts. I just realized I can’t laugh on an empty stomach…

    ps. Are you related to David Hasselhoff by chance?

    Comment by Bschooled | October 19, 2010 | Reply

    • Is there not one at the top on the bar thingy? I suck at computers worse than you do so I’ll ask my wife to do something. Have you tried to subscribe and it doesn’t work or is there not a subscribe button?

      I love you too, but don’t love me for my courage. This is at worst idiocy and at best another symptom of my not-giving-a-fuckedness that has always gotten me into trouble from the start. These stories would have been better if I had some kind of buffer, a Bschooled, if you will. You’re smart like that. And you don’t even embarrass yourself.

      If you saw me eating those hamburgers con ketchup you’d have thought so. I’m just about a foot shorter and less Hoffy.

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 20, 2010 | Reply

  30. No once has my husband offered to steal cake or frogs for me. Great. Now my life seems even more meaningless.

    Comment by Jenny, Bloggess | October 21, 2010 | Reply

    • Well, let’s change that. I’ll steal you one cake and one frog if we ever find ourselves in the same vacation destination. Any after that and we’ll have to negotiate a contract.

      Thanks Jenny!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 21, 2010 | Reply

  31. Ugh. i mean “NOT once”. Not “No once”. I shouldn’t comment when I’ve had this much to drink.

    Comment by Jenny, Bloggess | October 21, 2010 | Reply

    • Oh for a minute I thought you were saying ‘nuance.’ But that didn’t really fit unless we threw in a ‘subtle’ somewhere. Maybe on the frog. I don’t think it would go with cake.

      Thanks Jenny!!

      PS- I’ve loved you for, like, ever!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 21, 2010 | Reply

  32. I like Zodi’s Blog stories. They’re my favourite. Of course, now I’m craving cake, though…

    Comment by Bethany | October 25, 2010 | Reply

    • That’s the problem with my tales; they always leave you wanting something more!

      Thanks Bethany!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 25, 2010 | Reply


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