Zodi’s Blog

Not on my Beach by Caitlin Davis


 We have owned our summer house here on Hilton Head Island longer than almost anybody else. My gramps even lived here when he was a young man. But lately the island has been attracting people that dad calls ‘undesirable.’ So when I found out that Megan O’Malley was going to build a gigantic sandcastle on the beach that is in between my dad’s house, which he has owned for years, and the house that the O’Malley’s rent off of the Piper’s (dad says that those Irish people really stick together) for a month every summer, I knew I had to do everything in my power to stop it. See this isn’t really about a sandcastle; it’s about the Irish trying to take over our beach.   
 
 

 

An artistic rendition of the O’Malley’s Sandcastle.

 
Let me tell you about an incident that happened while they were here two years ago so you know what kind of people we’re dealing with. The O’Malley’s had some friends and family over for a 4th of July party two years ago. I don’t know why. They’re not even Americans, they’re Irish. From Ireland, Irish! Mom told me not to hate them because they’re Irish and that the Irish have some good qualities too, but these people are just too weird. They live in Dublin so I think that they all must be goat herders or dog farmers or something. I know that they all go to these bars everyday and get drunk and make up mafias and throw up and get in all kinds of trouble. They used to bomb the civilized people in England and they kill dogs to eat and everything because they hate God. As soon as they move over here they set up their own bars and they only hang out with their own kind and they love to cause trouble. Dad says they refuse to integrate. There’s a Mulligan’s Irish Pub right up the road and dad always has to go there to keep an eye on them. Although I think that the Irish also hang out at a place called Cahoots because dad says they’re always in there.
 
 
Ooh sorry, I got off track because I am so enraged. I was talking about the party and the incident that happened last year. All the Irish parents were listening to U2, eating their potatoes and getting drunk on beer, whiskey, and violence, like they always do, and allowing their children to just run wild. And amok. Even my mom said so. Megan’s cousins, who were younger than me (7 or 8, I think) ran up on our part of the beach while we were having dinner at The Club and they completely destroyed the sandcastle that I had been working on all day. I could tell it was them because I could see the footprints from their cheap, European shoes. I don’t know if the dorky terrorists were drunk on the beer and whiskey or if they were just playing IRA Bowling Bombers (dad said they’re all in league with the terrorists so I guess they bowl or something) but when we got back there was nothing left but piles of sand and my Malibu Barbie, who had failed miserably in her duty as a sentry. I was mortified and terrorized as you can imagine I would be. My dad was so mad he went right over there and didn’t get back until long after we all went to bed. Mom was mad all night too. Dad said that he gave everybody at that party a good talking to but I suspect he also got in a fight because when we all got up the next morning his eyes were all red and puffy looking and he kept taking Tylenol.
 
So you can imagine how mad and enraged I was yesterday, when we got home from the mall and I found Megan and her little Irish friend Delaney getting up to all sorts of trouble practically right outside of our house. They were in between the houses and down a few feet where the beach gets really sandy. They had grown-up shovels (which I don’t think they were allowed to play with anyway) and buckets and all kinds of stuff that I didn’t even know about. I’ll bet it was all bad stuff. I was so enraged that I ran outside and told them to stop it “right this minute” but they wouldn’t listen. I told them that I was going to tell on them for building a sandcastle where they weren’t allowed to and for using grown-up shovels. They said that they were allowed to use those shovels but how could I believe them? They always lie anyway. Even if they really were allowed, I’ll bet they got permission from the IRA and some terrorist pulled strings with the beach zoning people. All you have to do is follow the potato trail. I’ll bet that if they do build the sandcastle, Megan’s cousins will come over all the time and they’ll be smoking cigarettes and drinking whiskey and vomiting and planning to destroy our beach and doing lots of other bad stuff.     

The O’Malleys. I said that with scorn. Like how Jerry Seinfeld says “Newman.” So that’s how you should read it. Ok?

 
When dad got home I told him about what was going on and how he had to stop it. Dad messed up at first and made my mom and I and even my sister enraged because he said that they should be allowed to build the sandcastle there because it wasn’t technically on our land, that it was on a public beach. So we all started being really mean to him and mom told him that if he didn’t take our side then “things were going to get ugly come November.” I don’t know what November had to do with anything but it seemed to work. After that he quickly changed his tune. We think he did anyhow. We actually don’t know what he thinks about it anymore because every time we try to talk to him he goes out to keep an eye on the dirty Irishmen. I think they’re in Cahoots most of the time because we always call Mulligan’s and dad is never there.  
 
No matter what happens though I’m not going to back down. I am a Davis and I am an American and those people don’t even belong here. All they do is mess everything up. This sandcastle is a slap in the face after what they have done to me and my family and casual dining too. I don’t care if it was their little cousins or not. You know the way those people stick together.

Update:

Wow, I made up Caitlin Davis out of thin air. She was supposed to be an eleven year old, stuck up WASPY, racist suburbanite. It wasn’t until I got a few ‘cheerleading’ comments that I couldn’t figure out, that I googled the name and found out that not only is she real but she’s a 20 something year old, WASPY, racist bitch in real life. These things can only happen to me.

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October 25, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , ,

70 Comments »

  1. 1. They live in Dublin so I think that they all must be goat herders or dog farmers or something.

    2. they kill dogs to eat and everything because they hate God.

    3. All you have to do is follow the potato trail.

    4. I am a Davis and I am an American.

    This might be my favorite post. I was DYING at all these lines. How dare these Irish dog farmers who build dog farm houses (to house the dogs with potato bricks) think they can build sandcastles on your beach lawn? The Irish have no shame.

    No, but seriously. I’ve never felt more American Davis pride. And I’m half Scottish.

    Comment by Vodka and Ground Beef | October 25, 2010 | Reply

    • I should have probably consulted with you before I wrote this post. If you’re half Scottish you could have helped me so much with the logistical knowledge that I needed about dog farming (and preparation) and potato construction. Even though I’m half Irish I don’t know much about that stuff because my Italian half always threatened to stab my Irish half when it came out. You know how it is.

      Don’t tell me that you’re a Davis too? Man, I almost hit a goldmine with you!

      Thanks V & GB!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 25, 2010 | Reply

  2. Okay, I must admit that I didn’t know who this Caitlin Davis person was, but after a brief Google search I am all caught up and this makes waaay more sense now.
    She didn’t say anything about one of the O’Malleys’ being in a wheelchair. Isn’t there some regulation about vehicles on the beach? That can’t be good for the sand.

    Comment by Amy | October 25, 2010 | Reply

    • Wait, who is she? Don’t tell me she’s real and in the news? If so she is going to be SO pissed that I used her and her WASPY family to allegorically bitch slap the anti-Muslim rhetoric that was coming out last month, supposedly due to the Ground Zero Mosque but really because people like to be angry. I’m going to have to use google more.

      Thanks Amy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 25, 2010 | Reply

      • That is sooo awesome that you just made up the name and it ended up being a real person!
        What number am I thinking of right now?
        Thanks right! Ohmigosh you’re psychic!

        Comment by Amy | October 26, 2010 | Reply

        • I swear to God I have the weirdest luck in the world!

          You were thinking of a four then a thirteen…? Time for lottery picks or what?

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 26, 2010 | Reply

  3. Damn, those Davis’ are mean. Who knew a cheerleader could be so un-cheery!

    Comment by Rev D | October 25, 2010 | Reply

    • Cheerleader? No matter, I’ve known quite a few uncheery type cheerleaders. On a positive note though, I heard that if we can save her, we can save the world!

      Thanks Rev D!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 26, 2010 | Reply

  4. Damn straight, dude! Them Irish have been supplying them commies in Russia with potatoes for, like, ever some times. So besides terrorists, they gotta be commies as well. Why do you think they run around with red noses all the time anyway?

    You gotta get a dog and teach him to do his duty on Irish sand castles. That’ll teach em. Let em build sand castles in some other place, just not next to me, okay?

    Comment by jammer5 | October 25, 2010 | Reply

    • You’re brilliant Jammer. I had never made the potato connection between the Irish and the Russians until now. And both of the minorities happen to overindulge in the sauce as well. I can definitely see a conspiracy afoot. (I’ve never been sure what it has to do with feet though?)

      Great idea with the dogs too. Dogs are great because they keep out lots of undesirables!

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 26, 2010 | Reply

  5. Do you know what your dad’s middle name is? I bet it’s Irish. Next time he’s taking a dump, spy on him through the keyhole to see if he’s doing the bogtrotting bog ritual.

    Comment by Gorilla Bananas | October 25, 2010 | Reply

    • My dad, god rest his drunken ass soul, was Irish in every conceivable way. His middle name was Walter and he was a career alky. And he was a semi pro bogtrotting bogger. –Even though I don’t know what means I know he was one.

      Thanks GB!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 26, 2010 | Reply

  6. And the best thing is, that the Irish, seeing your displeasure will undoubtedly apologize and say, “Oh, we’re so sorry for everything. How foolish of us to do anything to bother the Davis’s. We won’t do it again. Please forgive us. In fact, we’re so sorry, we’re going to give you all the potatoes you want for free and pack up and leave your beach and never bother you. Thanks for teaching us this valuable lesson.”

    Comment by Thomas Stazyk | October 25, 2010 | Reply

    • You have been lucky with your Irish Experience thus far Thomas. I’m half Irish and I grew up in a half Irish neighborhood and I never got that experience. My family was never over-polite. Or even polite.

      The Canadians I’ve met however, were ALL super polite and unnecessarily apologetic. Maybe it just depends on the particular regions?

      Thanks Thomas!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 26, 2010 | Reply

  7. Does living outside the US for a period negate any rights you have to said beach?

    Comment by Bearman | October 25, 2010 | Reply

    • Hmm good question considering that I’m due back to my beach in Florida shortly. I’d have to say, yes, yes it does. But that is subject to change at my Whim. – Whim is my mean uncle.

      Thanks Bearman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 26, 2010 | Reply

  8. I am learning so much about Americans from you! Thanks!

    Comment by gazingatnavels | October 26, 2010 | Reply

    • I’m thinking that this is not necessarily a good thing. I only get to see the negative news stories myself so I have a bias. – Bias is a half cat/half rat that enjoys newspapers.

      Thanks Gazingatnavels.

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 26, 2010 | Reply

  9. they’re not even Americans, they’re Irish – love it!!

    and the comment above about the wheelchair on the sand is brilliant

    Comment by dianne | October 26, 2010 | Reply

    • I thought that you would appreciate the analogies Dianne. Was it in Spaceballs that they were using a comb and a pic to go over the sand?

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 26, 2010 | Reply

  10. I never had a Malibu Barbie. In fact, I’ve never been to Malibu.

    Comment by nursemyra | October 26, 2010 | Reply

  11. You should have Riverdanced all over their castle Scotty. Friggin Irish. Before you know it you’ll be humming Mary Black songs while dunking your soda bread in your pint of Guinness 😦

    Comment by frigginloon | October 26, 2010 | Reply

    • I only wish I could Riverdance. Me life would have so much more dancy purpose. Can you believe that I’m half Irish and have never had so much as a bite of soda bread. And I’ve always hated Guinness. It is so unvodka-like. Ugh.

      Thanks Loon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 26, 2010 | Reply

      • I attended Irish Dancing classes for 5 fucking years when I was a child. Scarred for life by that experience. And I have the medals to prove it.

        Comment by nursemyra | October 26, 2010 | Reply

        • I’d love to see them!

          The medals I mean. And you dancing…

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 26, 2010 | Reply

        • Blahahaha NM, that sucks.

          Comment by frigginloon | October 27, 2010 | Reply

  12. This blog is very helpful for catching up on the latest and craziest news: once I have translated the gist of the thing into Australian (‘Strayan’.)

    I must admit, I have a weakness for sandcastle sculpture.

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | October 26, 2010 | Reply

    • Yea, I’m only caught up now myself. This was just supposed to be an allegorical piece on American anti-Muslim rhetoric but I accidentally used a semi famous person as my little girl. Only me.

      Thanks Mitzi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 26, 2010 | Reply

  13. At least she used to cheer for the right team…

    Comment by Candy | October 26, 2010 | Reply

    • I had no idea she was a real person (see my update, above) I just thought she was an eleven year old girl. Damn.

      Thanks Candy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 26, 2010 | Reply

      • Hmm Scotty, should have changed the title to Not On My Bitch!

        Comment by frigginloon | October 27, 2010 | Reply

        • It’s way too late for that now. I wish I would have though!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 27, 2010 | Reply

          • loony you do actually come up with some good titles.. lol i admire ur title-ability

            Comment by Susi Spice | October 27, 2010 | Reply

  14. If I wasn’t so drunk I’d come over there and show them beach hoarding Protestants the proper way to solve a territory dispute!

    Love the analogy…very clever!

    Comment by Mick_Chick | October 26, 2010 | Reply

    • Aww you should come anyway. You’ll fit right in with the O’Malleys. I know I would, maybe I’ll see you there.

      I appreciate it!

      Thanks Mick_Chick!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 26, 2010 | Reply

  15. “My dad was so mad he went right over there and didn’t get back until long after we all went to bed.” Love it! The fact you ‘made up’ a real person is icing on the cake 😉

    P.S. Also love the FB post below.

    Comment by Reb | October 26, 2010 | Reply

    • I know, isn’t it weird? I’m starting to think I’m George Stark or some other character in a Stephen King book. Maybe I’m a character who makes up characters that come to life and kill?

      Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 26, 2010 | Reply

  16. I thought the Irish had gingery skin that burned up too easy to spend much time at the beach, no?

    Comment by Dr. Ken | October 26, 2010 | Reply

    • It’s true that some do. The trick is timely and liberal applications of SPF10,490. And they can’t forget the eyes or tongue.

      Thanks Dr. Ken!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 27, 2010 | Reply

  17. This is f*cking brilliant, Scott. I know I say that a lot, but I mean it.

    The only thing that’s making me laugh almost as hard as the post itself (seriously, you should like totally start a Caitlin Facebook Group), is reading your replies to the comments before you realized there was such a person. (“Cheerleader? No matter…”)

    Comment by Bschooled | October 27, 2010 | Reply

    • I thought it was ok as well. The Big Jewel didn’t agree with either one of our assessments however. No matter.

      Do you see the kind of shit that happens to me constantly. People think I’m exaggerating on those awkward posts but I’m clearly not. If anything I undertell the awkward.

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 27, 2010 | Reply

  18. i think i will go the US for a holiday soon…

    Comment by Susi Spice | October 27, 2010 | Reply

    • You should. I’m moving back in a few months…

      Thanks Susi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 27, 2010 | Reply

  19. Stay away from me lucky charms!
    Brilliant satire, sir, pip pip. I’m totally pissed at my democratic Congressman right now. He wants to deport every illegal here. No amnesty at all. Douchebag, but I guess i’ll still vote for him, lesser of 2 evils

    Comment by Lisa | October 27, 2010 | Reply

    • I love the nickname Lucky Charms for more reasons than you can guess!

      I’m thankful that I’m away from all that bullshit for one more blessed year. It’s all so disgusting and tacky once you’ve been removed from it for awhile.

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 28, 2010 | Reply

  20. I love the Cahoots line!

    What are the odds that she is a really person…makes the post even better in my opinion.

    Comment by thoughtsappear | October 27, 2010 | Reply

    • Thanks, I’m glad you caught that!

      The odds are astronomical. And the fact that she was in the news for being a racist? Only me, I’ll tell ya!

      Thanks Thoughtsappear!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 28, 2010 | Reply

  21. I love how Caitlin turned out to be a real person. And I love your blog, I spent over 3 hours yesterday starting from the beginning and reading most of your posts in order. Time well spent!
    + are you going to do any more posts recounting stories of working in a toll booth?

    Comment by theshittywaitress | October 28, 2010 | Reply

    • Really? That’s one of the best compliments that I’ve ever received and it is awesome! I’ve never even went back and read from the beginning, I’d think there would be a lot of crap mixed in…?

      Thanks for stopping by and I hope you’ll be a regular now.

      Thanks Theshittywaitress!!-love the name!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 29, 2010 | Reply

  22. you tell em.
    Ps, my middle name is mulraney.
    ha ha ha, not really.
    it’s fredflintstone

    Comment by Artswebshow | October 29, 2010 | Reply

    • Ha! I’m half Irish myself. This wasn’t about the Irish but you knew that. Talk about mixed up metaphors huh?

      Thanks Artswebshow!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 29, 2010 | Reply

  23. Dirty, fucking Irish. I am glad they were oppressed by the English for so long. They blow. Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | October 29, 2010 | Reply

    • You got that right Matty. ALthough the damn English aren’t much better. Plus, I dated this Irish chick once… nevermind.

      Thanks Matt!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 29, 2010 | Reply

  24. Whoa ! Is that update portion for realz ?

    Comment by Heff | October 29, 2010 | Reply

    • Yea totally, it doesn’t get much weirder than that, does it?

      Thanks Heff!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 29, 2010 | Reply

  25. Funny writing a fiction character name and to find that she is a real life person that fits the bill of the character in the story,amazing. I felt bad for the drunk guy on the couch.

    Comment by starlaschat | October 30, 2010 | Reply

    • I know! That was so crazy. These kinds of things always seem to happen to me.

      Wait, that was a guy? I thought it was a girl. For real.

      Thanks Starlaschat!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 31, 2010 | Reply

  26. “. . . follow the potato trail.” Priceless!

    I grew a big crop of spuds this year, because that’s what micks do, and man, it’s gonna be HUGE next year, because, well . . . that’s what micks do. And beer. I wanna start a beer garden but already went through that entire self-brewing gig in Jersey when fermenting brew blew my little holding tank to pieces and flooded the tiny kitchen like, ten minutes before my parents were going to arrive, convinced that their son had quit drinking years earlier, ha-ha . . .

    Ahem. It’s good to be Shanty Irish. We can build sand castles anywhere! And blame the drinking and IRA!

    Great post!!!

    Comment by Dan McGinley | October 31, 2010 | Reply

    • Ha Dan, that’s great I can just picture you out there potato farming! I’ve never in my life grown as much as a green pepper. It’s not like Pittsburgh has a lot of fertile ground.

      Another thing I can easily picture is you in the basement, as the mad scientist brewing some brews. I’ve never done that either but my dad could make a hella 40 proof wine that would blind a hobo. Good times

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 31, 2010 | Reply

      • She was a Patriot’s Cheerleader, fired for racist remarks? And it was a coincidence? You rock! You are my favorite comedian slash clairvoyant!

        Comment by Dan McGinley | November 1, 2010 | Reply

  27. I’m sorry for my total tardiness, I wish there was an Irish joke to explain my lateness (I’m fairly confident I am one eighth Irish convict) but the fact is I just cant come near my computer sometimes…

    I love that you drew this name out of thin air and then discovered the real Caitlin Davis after reading some confused readers comments like, “i googled this woman and it all makes sense now…” Ha!

    You have a great knack for ‘voice’ Scott, and it was great fun to read, you can tell how much you love playing with it

    Comment by RubyTwoShoes | October 31, 2010 | Reply

    • Not to worry Ruby; I haven’t been around these parts nearly as often as I used to be either. It’s like the real world is a breath of fresh air sometimes, literally!

      Thanks Ruby, writing characters and dialogue is my bliss. I think I was meant to be an actor but was just born to the wrong, short, Irish and Italian, and not smoking hot…parents. My luck is sooo weird isn’t it?

      Thanks Ruby!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | October 31, 2010 | Reply

  28. My best friends’ (Miami Beach) last name is Davis. He learned late in life that he actually hails from Sephardic Jews in Spain (his last name was probably anglicized from Davidovitz or something) who converted from Judaism to keep from getting killed (or worse!). Needless to say, it came as a huge shock to my practicing Catholic amigo. I love Irish stories as it reminds me of my favorite TV series, Rescue Me, in which Denis Leary plays an alcoholic NYC fireman, and causes me to wax nostalgic over the south (and very Irish) side of Boston. If I were still a drinking girl, I would go grab a Guinnes.

    Comment by elizabeth3hersh | November 4, 2010 | Reply

    • Wow, that would come as quite a shock. I’d personally be kind of excited by the info. It’s kind of everybody’s secret dream, to find a hidden side to your life and/or heritage, isn’t it?

      I’m half Irish as well and I love, love, love the south side of Boston, though I’ve only visited once in my early 20’s. And I used to love Rescue Me. Leary is hilarious!

      Thanks Elizabeth!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | November 4, 2010 | Reply


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