Song Letters: The Sheriff to Jon Bon Jovi
Dear Mr. Jovi,
I don’t normally offer this kind of courtesy to Burlington County fugitives with outstanding warrants but I happened to catch your little song on the patrol car radio the other day. It’s lucky too, I don’t normally go for the rock and roll, more of a country man, myself, but I happened to have my niece in the car and she just loves the classic rock. Anyway in listening, I realized that you had quite a few misconceptions and fears that I felt I should help clear up and alleviate. I’m wondering if we can’t just get this whole thing sorted out with a minimum of hassle for you or paperwork for me.
What had originally kicked me in the butt about writing you was the whole ‘dead or alive’ thing. We don’t do that anymore. Haven’t since the mid 1800’s, far as I know. I just pulled your warrants up on my screen here; ok…. It seems you do have three outstanding. One is a DUI, the second is a failure to appear on the DUI charge and the third is a misdemeanor possession of prescription medication that was not prescribed to you. Ahh, you’re lucky there son that it was only Viagra, which kept it as a misdemeanor. If you would have had Adderal and Percocet like your little guitar buddy Sambora got hit with, you would have been facing a Felony Three. No, the most serious charge here is the failure to appear which prompted the bench warrant to begin with.
By the way; would you say that this here photograph is still an accurate portrayal of your appearance? My God son, you best stay the hell out of prison.
All you’ll have to do is turn yourself into the Burlington County Jail as soon as you can. We’ll have to process you and set a new court date, is all. Just give me a holler ahead of time and I’ll make sure we speed you through the system. We wouldn’t want that cutesy little ass of yours getting molested would we? I’m just kidding you, this isn’t Kentucky. Although it is New Jersey so we’ll have to get your ass out of there ASAP.
By the way, about your song; I’m assuming when you were referring to your ‘steel horse you rode’ you were singing about a motorcycle…? That sir does not make you a cowboy. I told you I prefer country music and I can tell you that you wouldn’t last 5 minutes on a ranch with real cowboys. That Tim McGraw is a real cowboy. Come to think of it you wouldn’t last 5 minutes in a New Jersey correctional facility either so I strongly suggest that you take care of these matters and learn to stay on the straight and narrow from now on. Which means no more telling the day of the week based on which bottle of spirits you’re drinking and certainly no driving all night after such endeavors.
If you’d like to continue walking these Burlington County New Jersey streets with a loaded six string on your back and playing for keeps and rocking faces (does that mean oral sex? Nevermind, it’s probably best I don’t know) then just give me a call, turn yourself in, go to court, pay the fine and stay the hell off of my streets when you’ve been drinking.
Kind regards,
Jerry Stacks
Burlington County Sherriff’s Department.
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Nice to start the day with a good belly-laugh. Thanks Scott. Is it a little disturbing though that I still find Jon rather alluring in that photo?
I find it even more disturbing that I find Jon alluring in that photo and I’m not gay. Really, I’m not. See, disturbing!
Thanks Karen!!
I know, me too!
Does that make me gay?
Yes it does.
But only in the classy way.
Hope he doesn’t get Shot down in a blaze of glory.
When I look back I feel shame. For enjoying that song and for enjoying Young Guns Two. Shame.
Thanks Bearman!!
Yes, shame 🙂
I absolutely LOVED Young Guns the first, but never saw the point of the second film.
I still do love the first Young Guns. Great movie!
Boys!
It really was.
I’m not sure the sarcasm of a policeman is capable of denting the narcissism of a pop star, but Mr Stacks certainly made a valiant attempt.
Yea, you know that the cop would at least give it a shot. I was too inside ‘his’ head and forgot to make it funny though.
Thanks GB!!
Before I scrolled down, I thought I was looking at the top of the head of a woman! Yikes!
We can only pretend and/or dream DR, we can only pretend/dream.
Thanks Desert Rat!!
PS–If you tell me what Cher was like, all will be forgiven!
Holy shit are you telling me that Bon Jovi slept with Cher? Really?
Thanks Thomas!!
Me do fact checking? Are you kidding? Anyway, I know he did some records with her and that Cher dated somebody from Bon Jovi, but couldn’t swear it was JBJ.
We’ll just assume it was. Why? Because it’s awesome!
LOL Cher and Sambora were an item for a while back in the day of the Percocet.
Great letter 🙂
~ Hath
I thought we were still in the era of the Perc? Or is it just me?
Thanks Hath!!
I admit that I’ve had my face rocked by Mr. Bon Jovi and his swarthy friends and it was a pleasant experience. Pleasant, indeed.
Thank you Sheriff Stacks for not letting your dislike of rock music get in the way of trying to help a young man to clear his name. You could have thrown the book at him, but you refrained. Very honorable.
So tell me Amy; did that have anything to do with felatio or was it more that he could only see the faces in the crowd?
Some of those sheriff’s deputies and cops out there aren’t that bad, are they? Sweet even.
Thanks Amy!!
If he could have seen my face in that crowd he has super-hero type vision. If it had anything to do with felatio and being a face in a crowd that would be more impressive.
But would Jon having super hero vision surprise you Amy? Would it really? You can’t tell me that a small, quiet part of your heart wasn’t waiting for him to find you, and just wave or nod his head in that cocky but still cute way he had.
Damn you, Scott! Damn you for seeing right through to the core of me. My therapist is going to earn her co-pay this week.
I think your therapist should know what’s right for you and cede responsibility to me. I love helping out!
I read the whole thing with a soft southern drawl. It just happened naturally b/c of how you were able to stay consistently in character. Loved the “Dear Mr.Jovi” and “My God son, you best stay the hell out of prison” bits.
Surprisingly that how it sounded in my head as well, even though he worked in NJ. I got too into character though and kinda forgot to make it funny.
Thanks Mrs. Navels
It WAS funny! Sweet and giggle-a-bit funny. Ease up that perfection pressure, Dude.
Well, I do have a bit of an issue with…. I have some issues.
Thanks Mitzi!!
I thought it was perfect. It has the Lisa A. “Better than Emily Dickenson” B. seal of compulsive approval.
That’s the most I can hope for with anything I do in my life, Lisa. Anything!
Thanks Lisa!!
“All you’ll have to do is turn yourself into the Burlington County Jail as soon as you can. We’ll have to process you and set a new court date, is all. Just give me a holler ahead of time and I’ll make sure we speed you through the system.”
Hi-Lay.
Jerri Stacks, also hi-lay.
I get the biggest tingle out of these posts you do. Have you done one on Piano Man?? If not, I’m requesting.
I forgot to make this one Hi-lay Vodka, I was too into the acting. Stupid cops with stupid kindness.
Where is this tingle? Do you have to pee? I get that, so don’t worry.
Someone just showed me that this was done with specifically that song before I came along. I guess I could try to do it differently.
Thanks V & GB!!
Or “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers” – that’d be a good one too.
This is the first entry in my all new Requests Word Document. You are in the place of honor!
Thanks V & GB!!
I’m glad you clarified the “steel horse” because I had images of Bon Jovi with very sore nuts 😦
And that image was upsetting to you…. how? You enjoyed every minute of that image!
Thanks Loon!!
NO!!!…OK, yes a little….OK a lot for goodness sakes, yes a friggin lot!! Sheez!!
Ha… I knew it! Ok, me too, and I don’t even play that sport…
What the hell was his niece doing in the police car? I don’t think we can trust Officer Jerry Stacks
That’s a good question but I assume it was totally harmless. Maybe a trip to the local short skirt and knee socks outlet…?
Thanks Nursemyra!!
That was seriously big hair for a seriously big rock n roller (who was really just a bit of poppin’ candy, let’s be honest.) I am fond of this epistolary action.
How about a presidential reply to Pink’s ‘Dear Mr President’?
That was some hall of fame quality hair indeed. I could only aspire to hair that capacious and beautiful.
That is a great request; it’s going straight in the vault. I love me some pink!
Thanks Mitzi!!
I guess Jerry Stacks is the answer to the question in Jonny Boy’s song, “Who Says You Can’t Go Home.” Cheers Scott!!
Haha, I think that Jerry Stacks is the answer to a hell of a lot of questions. But most involve chewing tobacco and kicking ass.
Thanks Matt!!
Right now the only thing I want to say, er, sing is “Wanted!” The echoing part.
That pic of Mr. Jovi cracks me up!
I love that part, myself, still. That pic does a whole lot of things. We can’t talk about most of them though.
Thanks Thoughtsappear!!
Bon Jovi who? Isn’t he some washed up actor now?
No but he did turn into a kind of Bruce Jr. I think. Or maybe that’s my own skewed perception.
Thanks Kenosis23!!
Like gazingatnavels, I too read this in a slow Southern drawl, which made things a bit confusing considering the Sheriff is a New Jersian and would be rockin’ his face with a completely different accent.
That being said, I did laugh quite a bit despite my inability to localize properly, and the whole Southern/New Jersey culture clash was no more out of place than Mr. Jovi’s references to motorcycles in a Billy the Kid film.
All in all, this post worked on many levels, including the level where I try out new accents in my head.
CLT!
I’m thinking that he must have been a transplant from Georgia when he took the NJ gig. Otherwise, how could you explain why at least three of us ‘heard’ his accent? Otherwise you’d just have to assume that I’d been arrested by a southern drawy cop and that’s just crazy talk considering my propensity for law and order.
That is astonishingly high praise coming from the high poobah of comedic lit-light (I just thought of that to describe what it is we do) himself.
Trying out new accents is one of my favorite levels as well. I even like it more that that one where you have to kill the gigantic spider in Mario Bros. Or was that Zelda?
Thanks CLT!!
Actually I heard the southern drawl too, so that makes three 😉 Well done Scott.
Four now, including me. Crazy!
Thanks Reb!!
Who’s the hot chick? Oh . . . damn. I can’t afford therapy these days. Seriously funny post, Scott. The song letters are friggin’ fantastic. Did you know Bill Belichik is a HUGE Bon Jovi fan? Absolutely true, and one more reason BB creeps me out. Little John has even been to practices, etc. We may have a top tier team, but that dude in the floppy sweatshirts giveth me the willies. A madman fer sure. Here’s one for Tori Spelling, who is much more man than JBJ: “On a steel horsey face I ride . . .”
No, you’re totally right; that is a super hot chick. I’d do things to her that would put me behind bars for the conceivable future. And by that I mean I’d keep asking ‘her’ to sing You Give Love a Bad Name while I re-enacted my first, and most dramatic, breakup, to that bitch, Stephanie Moyeroff with a pair of GI Joes. Just so I could finally find some closure, is why. Nothing sick.
Love the Tori Spelling line. If there is ever another Mr. Ed she’s going to be gold!
Thanks Dan!!
Scott, WTF are you ranting about?
From an English Old Fart…
I’m not ranting Dave, just epistolaryizing as usual. Can you believe I made up that word? I know! Right?
Thanks Dave!!
I can always count on you Lisa, thanks!
Thanks Lisa!!
I TOLD Jon (sic) to fucking stay over here in the civilized section of NJ. He had the big fucking house with the giant American flag on it, his kids were in the local school and his wife was running her karate school
but NO – he has to be rebellious. I still think it’s really because he couldn’t stand sharing a town with Bruce.
Next time I see Bruce at the diner I’m gonna ask him to reach out to Jon (sic) and save that boy’s ass.
Yea, I always imagined that it would be killer hard being in music, any genre of music in the same state as BRUCE. He’s like the godfather of …. Well, of whatever the hell he wants to be the godfather of because he Bruce Fucking Springsteen. The coolest Jew to ever walk the earth. At least in a while, but we’ll leave that one alone. Ha!
I knew I could count on you for some insight into Jon’s private affairs!
Thanks Diane!!
I often wondered about that line where he says that “sometimes you tell the day by the bottle that you drink.” Does he mean that he looks at the bottle and thinks, “Well, I’ve drank it down to the label, so it must be around 5:00PM,” or does he mean like, “Okay, so I’m all messed up on Jim Beam, so it must be Tuesday?” Either way, that man is a wordsmith.
That was the one line that always got me as well. I always assumed it was more of the Tuesday=Jim Beam thing. But what if it’s Tuesday morning and your stomach is upset so you have to stick with vodka, like a real alcoholic? Then your whole schedule would be screwed.
Thanks Dr. Ken!!
“…playing for keeps and rocking faces (does that mean oral sex? Nevermind, it’s probably best I don’t know)…”
I just had a five minute coughing fit thanks to this.
I’m now wearing my lung on my sleeve.
I wish that you’d finally just listen to me and go get the good cough syrup so you can take a little and mail the rest to me. And get better.
A lung on your sleeve sounds even grosser than when I wear my heart on my sleeve. But with less ‘sharing’ and weeping.
Please get better. After you get that medicine.
Thanks B!!
And here I thought the song was about Jon beating the shit outta people with a guitar. Shades of all the rocksters wrecking rooms roundly.
Damn it, Scott, another great name for a band: The Epistolaryizers. Dude, your mind is, like, way out there.
Oooh, maybe it is. That would have made a hell of a better letter as well. Damn. Or it could have been a mechanical whore. Do they have those yet? They should!
Thanks Jammer!!
I know, right?! Now one of us just needs to learn how to sing and play guitar while the other learns drum and bass!
Thanks Jammer!!
awesome story made me laugh so hard. Btw the steal horse is a tour bus and the loaded six string a guitar lol and for the young guns comments that was 4 years after Wanted Dead Or Alive that text was refering too
Ohhh, now that steel horse line makes SO much more sense to me. I really thought that was a euphemism for a motorcycle.
Thanks for clearing a lot of confusion up over here!
Thanks Steph!!
You would think that I was once again late to the party, and you’d be right, but for a moment lets pretend I’m outraged that my teen idol was parodied in this way. Yep, thats right teen idol. There was many a daydream of Sheriff Stack’s take on ‘rockin’ faces’ let me tell you….
All the way in Oz? I never realized how far his influence swept like a musical tsunami. I would have thought something along the lines of INXS or even Midnight Oil. I’m surprised, and weirdly delighted that his sex appeal is so global.
Maybe because I’m from the great northeast as well.
Thanks Ruby!!
You said the magic words, “BON JOVI”. Next to My Tommy, I would say that Mr. Bon Jovi is #2.I ma mezmerized by his genius and his beauty.
All I got outta this post was, blah blah blah, Bon Jovi, blah blah blah, Bon Jovi……..
Wait, which Tommy? Tommy lee Jones or Tommy Leigh?
Too bad you didn’t pay attention because I was giving away free million face rocking practice for him. So, does he still do it for you?
Thanks Candy!!
lol. this is off the hook
Yea, it’s more of a sweater vest than a jacket.
Thanks Artswebshow!!
wait wait wait wait wait… besides it been a great post…there is one question i need answered…
what shampoo did bon jovi use?????
hehe
What back then? I assume it must have been VO5, Nexus or Suave. Haha.
Thanks Susi!!