Zodi’s Blog

Painful Awkwardity

The Left, Right, Panic- I can’t believe that this one has made it through 5 or 8 (I’m way too high on doctor-shopped Ritalin coffee to go back and count) awkward posts without being mentioned because it happens to me All The Fucking Time. I’ll be walking somewhere, minding my own business and thinking about something as innocuous as opaque labia when I see someone coming towards me. The street could be wider than Whoopi Goldberg’s vagina but this person will continue in a dead aim straight towards me.

Her vagina is probably really narrow, actually.

 

 

I’ll then make my intentions known with my eyes, head, hips, and sometimes even my hands with a freaky speed walker-like gesture, all to let the person know that I’m moving to the left thereby giving them the middle and right by which to pass me without incident. But no. The bastard, who never played a sport in his life, obviously, will also shift left, putting us right back on a collision course.

 

Now, with time and distance quickly diminishing, I’ll use the balls of my feet to gracefully bounce right. Then, they will too, but not nearly as gracefully as I did. At this point I panic and die a little bit inside. Now we have reached awkwardity and are barreling towards catastrophe. “Why couldn’t the stupid old man with the walker have watched my hips, he was supposed to watch my hips?” I ask myself.

 

The vast majority of the time I will make another darting left and that will be the end of it. Sometimes, when the situation is dire enough though, I will duck and hide in a doorway and allow the obtrusive elderly matron to shuffle by. Or sometimes, when I feel that I’ll be able to easily outmaneuver the person due to their cumbersome oxygen tank, I’ll feint left and thrust right in a stunning display of athletic prowess. Or sometimes, I’ll use the old Heisman stiff-arm to push past my enemy.

 

In the worst possible scenario, if all of the above tactics have failed and I’ve waited too long, my forward momentum will carry be just past the tipping point after I’ve tried to stop, and I’ll end up inevitably bumping chests with a stranger. When this happens I will stop whatever I’m doing, turn around, and go straight home to sit on my couch for the rest of the day. 

  

  

One of my childhood buddies

 

  

 

The Follow Through- Perhaps other people don’t feel awkward in this situation. Who’re you calling a psycho?

 

Wait what?

 

 Nevermind.

 

When I make an outlandish direct threat and the threatee still ‘wants some’ I become all conflicted and indecisive. When my daughter was really young and I’d say, “If you don’t stop kicking my seat I’m going to turn this car right around.” Then she’d continue to kick it, usually harder, but I didn’t really want to turn around because we were going somewhere that I wanted to go like the beach or the toy store or the dog track. So I’d pull over and just kind of sit there feeling assholish and trying to bluff but failing. So I’d always end up going ahead anyway and just punishing her by not allowing her to place any bets or talk to the nice ‘lady’ in the funny clothes.

 

Another, even more awkward situation occurred with my friends when I’d say something like, “Dude, if you repeat that phrase one more time I’m going to stick this bong so far up your ass we’re going to be taking ear hits for the next month.” Then the stubborn, contentious fucker would be all, “BAM! 97X, the future of Rock and Rolllll… Bam! 97X, the future of Rock and Rollllll… BAM! 97X, the future ….” staring at me all spitefully and a little autistically the whole time.

 

So I felt like I had to follow through, right? Plus, I had everybody else all looking at me expectantly so I’d knew I had to something. I could rush over and put him in a fake stranglehold, but that would have left us both feeling even more awkward. So instead, I ran into the bathroom, came out with a tub of Vaseline, liberally applied it to the rim of the bong and tried to ‘jokingly’ de-pant him and bend him over the coffee table while he ‘jokingly’ started to freak the fuck out and started making a scary mewling noise while everybody got all quiet and open mouthed. 

 

Of course, everybody pretended to treat me differently after that. Like they were scared of me or something. Like I was some kind of freak. It’s just hard to know how to follow through on a crazy threat.

 

Am I right?

Update: I accidentally liked my own post and I can’t figure out how to unlike it and now I look like a conceited and vain douchebag who likes his own posts. This is awkward. Again.

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December 12, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , ,

67 Comments »

  1. People just don’t follow thru with enough threats these days, Scott, whether it’s something vague and possibly impossible like “We’re going to bomb you back into the Stone Age,” or something more viable like “I’m going to divorce you so hard.”

    You were right to at least pretend to follow thru, thus creating a beneficial mixture of fear and respect in the very group that thought you were just fucking around.

    This very same crazy but possibly violent spontaneity is what keeps you (the royal “you,” of course) paying way too much for sub par blow. (This is triply true if your dealer also uses.)

    I guess my point is that we all could learn something from our drug dealers. I mean honestly, how many of them have ever been divorced really hard? Or bombed back into, well, if not the Stone Age, then at least the Age of Enlightenment? I’m guessing it’s so close to zero as to be unmeasurable.

    All in all, Scott, I look forward to your frequent bouts of awkwardity. I know we all see a little of ourselves in each of these situations. (I’m using the royal “ourselves” here. I of course mean “a large portion of your readers” when I generously say “ourselves.” I haven’t felt awkward since swallowing Johnny Depp’s soul a few years back. Let’s just say your drug dealer is NOT the best partner for a weeklong game of Truth or Dare.)

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | December 12, 2010 | Reply

    • Actually I have, unfortunately been divorced ‘so hard’ and it wasn’t nearly as pleasant as it had sounded when she made the threat. I guess I was thinking more of the make-up sex but that never actually came. Unlike the papers….

      And I have to thank you for on two counts here for your bringing up the drug dealer/game thing, because you’ve given me another thus far unexplored area of awkwardity as well as a post worthy comment on my own blog. Seriously CLT, your comments are better than 97.4 (I did the research) of the other WordPress.com blogs out there today.

      Did you really swallow Depp’s soul? I’ve wanted to do that ever since I saw him capture the essence of George Jung so profoundly. Because then I’d be getting a two for one deal. And some fabulous Columbian connections.

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 13, 2010 | Reply

  2. Another option when someone is walking straight at you is to crouch down low and flip them over your back. It always worked well for me. Whoopie’s vagina is known at The Grand Canyon to those who’ve been privileged to lose their dicks inside it.

    Comment by Gorilla Bananas | December 12, 2010 | Reply

    • That’s one of the best ideas I’ve heard since Carradine taught me the five finger exploding heart move and told me to never practice autoerotic asphyxiation on my own.

      Thanks GB!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 13, 2010 | Reply

  3. You didn’t really grab the vaseline did you?

    When I walk by someone I fear the person will think I’m staring or that the person thinks I look weird, or that I won’t say hi in a nice way thereby proving I’m a douche. AWKWARD!

    I love hearing about your awkwardity.

    Comment by Lisa | December 12, 2010 | Reply

    • That’s funny because I always feel like I have to say hi as well. Even in the inner city. That didn’t always work out so well but in the end, kindness usually did kill. Kindness and bad heroin, anyway.

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 13, 2010 | Reply

  4. Your perspective is off. If someone is walking toward you and you both shift left, you will easily avoid each other.

    You shift left and he shifts right and your crash.

    Here endeth the lesson. ha

    Comment by Bearman | December 12, 2010 | Reply

    • I have to disagree with you on this one, but I could be wrong. If I’m speaking in the narrative then the audience is ‘seeing’ through my eyes, right? So through my eyes he is also moving right… and we collide.

      Thanks Bearman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 13, 2010 | Reply

  5. bumping chests with a stranger

    depends whose…

    http://www.dallascowboyscheerleaders.com/

    teehee

    Comment by gallowaygrave | December 12, 2010 | Reply

    • That definitely works for me GG.

      Thanks and thanks GG!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 13, 2010 | Reply

  6. My ex-fiancé would pull his baseball cap down really low, thrust his hairy and muscular arms into the crowds (with me in distressed tow) and exclaim, “excuse me, I got a lady here having a miscarriage…let us through”). Worked like a charm.

    My girls say I sprint like an ostrich when I’m out in public. I almost never have that issue. Maybe you should pick up a little steam and just bulldoze them out of the way or scare them with your focused intensity (pretty much, the way I do it).

    Your awkwardity posts are my favorite, Scott. Keep ’em coming.

    Comment by elizabeth3hersh | December 12, 2010 | Reply

    • I bet that got the job done. Although it had to have been a little weird for you as well. If he was the pharmacist guy however, I assume that you were ok with just about everything.

      Considering that I adore ostriches and love the way they run I really have to meet you when I move back. We can go jogging or something. Or just stare at people intensely while on good pharmaceuticals!

      Thanks Elizabeth!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 13, 2010 | Reply

  7. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with diggin’ your own post !

    And I think Whoopie probably IS pretty….”wide”, not that Heff would know from experience, or anything….

    Comment by Heff | December 12, 2010 | Reply

    • No, you’re totally right Heff; I’m learning to love myself now but only in the good way. I’m also learning to love Whoopie and her ambiguously sized vagina.

      Thanks Heff!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 13, 2010 | Reply

  8. I LOVE Rain Man! And your awkwardity posts are my favorite! I have that problem of convergence all the time when I’m running – we have some one-way streets with people and bicycles going “against” traffic and we never know which way to go. I hate hate when two people are walking abreast and one of them doesn’t drop back to share the sidewalk. I’ve just started ramming them.

    My all-purpose threat is “I’ll kick your ass.” The guys don’t want the risk of a chick making them look like a Mary, and the women know I WILL take them down!

    Comment by Desert Rat | December 12, 2010 | Reply

    • I love Rain Man too. Both the movie and the real life guy.

      I hate that too and in that situation I will happily throw a shoulder block, iron lung or no iron lung. And I adore the fact that you are so feisty. It’ll be one hell of an adventure when we do meet someday soon.

      I’ll bet you know some crazy sort of martial arts or Jedi Mind Trick or something, don’t you?

      Thanks Dessert Rat!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 13, 2010 | Reply

  9. I’m wondering how it is that you know the width of Whoopi Goldbergs vagina. Now that must have been awkward.

    Comment by Rev D | December 12, 2010 | Reply

    • No for right now it’s only pure speculation. The awkward hasn’t yet occurred but I’m betting it will soon. I’m going to be a big Hollywood star someday. (In case you didn’t know.)

      Thanks Rev D!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 13, 2010 | Reply

  10. I hate that too, I always feel like yelling…walk like you are supposed to drive! Of course, that doesn’t help with those new to Canada that used to drive on the other side of the road.

    Comment by Reb | December 12, 2010 | Reply

    • I think that’s the problem here in Spain as well. There are too many Brits on the roads and on the streets. Nobody knows which side to take anymore.

      Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 13, 2010 | Reply

  11. I make all kinds of outrageous threats against people all the time. But, I make them only to myself and my imaginary friends. So, it’s not all that awkward.

    Comment by Jay | December 13, 2010 | Reply

    • Ha, I do the same thing. I usually carry through though. It seems as if every other day I’m beating myself.

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 13, 2010 | Reply

  12. Scott, you can bump chests with me in the street any old time xx

    Comment by nursemyra | December 13, 2010 | Reply

    • I will if you are wearing one of your corsets?

      Comment by gallowaygrave | December 13, 2010 | Reply

      • But your nipple ring might get caught up GG…

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 13, 2010 | Reply

        • My WHAT?

          Comment by gallowaygrave | December 13, 2010 | Reply

          • Your nipple ring. You know, that ring that is attached to your nipple. That.

            Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 13, 2010 | Reply

            • I have one on my finger, an inflammed one around my arse atight one somewhere you don’t want to know about. None on the boobs though!

              Comment by Dave Hambidge | December 13, 2010 | Reply

    • I would really enjoy that. I hope you’re in a cooking mood that day as well.

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 13, 2010 | Reply

  13. Awkwardity is a word in itself charged with awkwardness. Which syllable receives the stress – awk or ward?

    As a soon-to-be-no-longer-teacher, I have gone through the agonising cycle of backing down on threats regularly. I did not quite adopt the method of a VERY SCARY ELDERLY history teacher whose motto is:

    ” I DON’T MAKE THREATS. I MAKE PROMISES.”

    (She walks like a cowboy and has ten inches of makeup pancaked on her elongated jawbone of a face … I thought she was a tranny on first encounter.)

    I do so enjoy the awkwardness posts. They are equally as enjoyable as the faux facebook walls and letters to song characters. The climate there is obviously great for your creative juices!

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | December 13, 2010 | Reply

    • I love the word as well. And although it was around before I started using it, I’m still pretty sure I made it up. I’m that motherfucking awkward.

      Yea, I would think that would be one of the worst perils of school teaching. Not being able to beat the asses that you would love to beat. This is why I’m not a teacher. I’d probably end up paying some Italian kid to ‘whack’ (figuratively and literally) the other students.

      Thanks Mitzi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 13, 2010 | Reply

  14. I always manage to lift my head right at the exact time a psycho walks past and inevitably I make eye contact. They either do one of two things… scream at the top of their voice “What the fuck are you looking at” or give me some filthy gesture which will make me feel uneasy all day. This usually happens when there is a large group of people around, resulting in drawing unwanted attention to myself from passer-bys who will all give me the “oh dear, you made friggin eye contact, glad it wasn’t me” sympathy stare 😦

    Comment by frigginloon | December 13, 2010 | Reply

    • Oh and Scotty, please don’t use the Whoopi Goldberg reference ever again it messed with my head 🙂

      Comment by frigginloon | December 13, 2010 | Reply

      • You’re telling me that Whoopie Goldberg’s vagina got inside your brain? That is awesome beyond words!

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 13, 2010 | Reply

    • Living in big cities all my life, I’ve always been good at dealing with psychos. If I accidentally make eye contact I either just growl or pretend like I’m talking into an earpiece while pointing subtly. They back right the fuck off.

      Try it next time. Make sure you have pepper spray or a taser, just in case though.

      Thanks Loon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 13, 2010 | Reply

  15. I swear psycho’s are attracted to my energy or something. Once I find I cannot avoid a direct confrontation, I somehow become the one person they need to tell all this personal shit to that has no purpose.

    THis happens to me all. the. time.

    I am always getting stuck talking to the one person that everyone else has successfully avoided.

    Comment by Candy | December 13, 2010 | Reply

    • I don’t get the psychos but I always get the desperate and the lonely. They are attracted to me like white people to Christmas sweaters. The worst part is that I have no idea how to get rid of them without being rude. I usually end up getting off at another subway stop or walking into some random office building to shake their tail. Ugh!

      Thanks Candy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 13, 2010 | Reply

  16. I’m always doing the sidwalk shuffle with someone and because I’m left-handed, I usually veer to the “wrong” side and have to correct myself at the last minute and because I am incredibaly clumsy this usually ends with me wildly windmilling my arms, triping over my own feet and falling face first onto the cement. Long story short: I feel your pain.

    I have also accidentally “liked” one of my own posts. I’ve accidentaly re-tweeted myself too, but I don’t like to talk about that.

    Comment by Amy | December 13, 2010 | Reply

    • So I take it that means people normally go to their strong side? I never realized that. This is great because all I’ll have to do is throw a small rock or something at their face. Whichever hand they catch it or block it with will prove their dominant side, and then I’ll just have to go to the opposite side.

      Brilliant.

      Thanks Amy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 13, 2010 | Reply

  17. I kinda like the little jig we do when meeting head on with opposing humans under foot power. Always makes me smile!

    Comment by Micky-T | December 13, 2010 | Reply

    • It is kind of a dance. A dance of pure seduction! Oh, no, I was thinking of the tango.

      Thanks Micky!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 13, 2010 | Reply

  18. Thank you for the laugh

    Brilliant!

    With great pleasure do I announce…

    You’ve been nominated for December’s Blogger of the month. More details can be found here http://inspiredbycaffeinenicotine.blogspot.com/2010/12/blogger-of-month-award.html And ask your viewers to vote for you

    Comment by Rob | December 14, 2010 | Reply

    • Thanks but I don’t have a prayer of winning. I don’t have any viewers since my Rapture Ready Reality show got cancelled. But maybe you can still make me a thong as a consolation prize.

      It would mean more to me than a lot of other things mean to me.

      Thanks Rob!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 14, 2010 | Reply

  19. You move to the left first? What country are you from? Always go right. Always.

    Comment by thoughtsappear | December 14, 2010 | Reply

    • Well I’m from Pittsburgh originally. I loved it because it was so close to the United States with none of the troublesome laws. It screwed up my sense of direction (and other senses) though.

      Thanks Thoughtappear!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 14, 2010 | Reply

  20. Sorry but I just can’t bring myself to comment. You LIKED your own post? Error you say? Hmmm.

    Comment by Karen lee Thompson | December 14, 2010 | Reply

    • Was it out of pure shock and awe? Were you too impressed with my brilliant, shiny humanity? It happens a lot.

      Thanks Karen!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 14, 2010 | Reply

  21. Now that I’m on the down low and it would take a very persistent scumbag to follow my comment trail (they would be sidetracked by legit articles coming out. It’s what you do to lose hell hounds on your trail), I can really let it out.

    I always have that insane sidewalk/hallway moment where I realize I have to move over for someone or two coming my way, and if it’s not a woman, I think, “Why the hell should I make way for these people? Why ME? Why don’t THEY move? And then I think, “Cuz I’m big and bad and need to make way for these harmless little creatures, who would tremble and die if we collided and they got all up in my grill and I had to follow through.”

    It’s a crazy self-ego thing from someone who knows that there are many people out there who are bigger and badder, starting with Whoopi and Rain Man, but it gets me to just move over and make everything a non-situation.

    Damn . . . it’s just WALKING for God’s sake, and it can become so complicated when other people enter your “zone”, and when I’m with Gwen? I get all protective and will walk right the fuck through people if they even lean toward her. I even get pissed if they look kinda funny at my little daughter. We are not higher mammals. We are low and hairy.

    You are a brother.

    Comment by invasive1 | December 14, 2010 | Reply

    • Well if a scumbag were that persistent and found you, even after all the doubling back and snail trailing(?) then he’d be a scumbag of the baggiest variety and he’d be reading this now and know that I was about to track him to his home and run over his whole family with a large bicycle.

      See I don’t think I’m tough and never really want any trouble. So I’m always the first guy to move to the side, speak a friendly salutation or offer to buy the nice stripper a new belt but somehow these situations just find me.

      Most people just get out of my daughter’s way; I think it’s the look in her eye or the Tech 9 in her hand. Joking. She never takes it out of her pillowcase.

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 15, 2010 | Reply

      • A Tech 9 Teddy Bear. Nice!

        Comment by DMC | December 21, 2010 | Reply

  22. I got attacked in a subway tunnel by someone who was walking right at me – I did all of the averting moves you describe and he kept mirroring me and I looked around to realize no one else was there but us – talk about awkward!

    as we got to within a few inches of each other I tried to do an odd little side step dance and he grabbed me and started a demo of ‘shaken baby syndrome’

    thankfully a giant man came by just then and pulled him off me, then the cops came once it was over

    somewhere I have photos of the incredible black and blue marks all over my shoulders and arms

    the cops took him away, I never did find out what happened to him

    Comment by dianne | December 14, 2010 | Reply

    • That’s so freakin’ odd! He must’ve been dosing on something. The city always creeps me out a little.

      Comment by DMC | December 14, 2010 | Reply

      • It’s so good that PCP lost its popularity.

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 15, 2010 | Reply

    • Holy shit, I’m surprised that you don’t have PTSD. (You probably have PTSD, you should go to the doctor and get a lifetime script of Xanex, just in case.) That’s horrible though.

      My mom had a mentally ill guy attack her while she was roller skating, it was the same kind of thing. I’m surprised that the police didn’t follow up with you. Hopefully he’s in an institution still to this day, heavily medicated.

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 15, 2010 | Reply

      • When I was 14, a man jumped out at us. He pressed himself against a building to hide, but then jumped out talking, walked past us, and spat on the ground. I was afraid of virtually any man for a year. It was like I thought every man was after me. Good times! Now i’m not afraid of crazy people any more than anyone else and have been friendly with a few. My heart bleeds for them b/c that must truly be hell.

        Comment by Lisa | December 19, 2010 | Reply

        • I kind of agree but the fucked up, escapist part of me actually wonders…. If you were so crazy that you heard voices, you’d always be entertained and never lonely. If you were so fucked up that you didn’t understand responsibility, you’d never have to worry about the minutia that digs at us all.

          See what I mean? About how fucked up I am?

          Thanks Lisa!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 19, 2010 | Reply

  23. Okay, I know I say this all the time, but HA!!!!

    Your bong story reminds me of when I used to go around telling this stupid joke that I’m sure you’ve heard-

    Me (half-cut, talking to some chick I met in the bar bathroom)- So, if you went camping and woke up with Vaseline all over your ass, would you tell anyone?

    Her- Uh, probably not.

    Me- Okay, great! Do you want to go camping?

    It didn’t occur to me that it wasn’t as funny when a chick told it…

    Your daughter is a lucky girl, Scott. (When I was a kid, my Dad would take us to the junk yard to rummage around for spare car parts.)

    Comment by bschooled | December 15, 2010 | Reply

    • I’ve heard the joke but it’s a thousand times better coming from a girl. Especially a hot girl in a Cannucks Roadhouse Grill in 1998. Especially when your other weekend plans fell through and some random hot girl invited you on this interesting date involving camping and ‘first times.’ So you then excitedly went home and packed up and waited outside for 5 hours before deciding that this was a mean, lying country filled with mean, lying, hot girls.

      You owe me a trip. And anal (for me).

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 15, 2010 | Reply

  24. At first I thought The Follow Through was going to be about what happened after you bumped chests with a stranger (well, that is, after the bumping but before retiring to the couch for a rest…)
    I thought you were going to amp up the awkwardity factor and talk about engaging in some kind of ‘follow up’ dance post bumping involving the untangling of limbs but ending, ultimately, with downcast eyes
    But yr version of Follow Through was much better, b/c, as CLT said, it brings out the awkward in all of us…

    Comment by rubytwoshoes | December 15, 2010 | Reply

    • I couldn’t because after the bumping and before the sitting, all I’m doing is jogging home with tears in my eyes and a goose in my belly. And you’re definitely right about it ending with downcast eyes. Although I usually bat my eyes (I have lusciously long lashes) at, well, at everybody, because I that’s how I stay out of trouble.

      Or maybe that’s how I get into trouble. One of those two things.

      Thanks Ruby!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 15, 2010 | Reply

  25. Gosh, i should say something funny.
    But knowing that bad luck is infectious it might just sound wrong and it will be very awkward. 😀

    Comment by Artswebshow | December 18, 2010 | Reply

    • You’re right to be concerned. I don’t want any infectious bad luck around here. Not after what happened with the penis Ebola. I’ve said too much.

      Thanks Artswebshow!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 19, 2010 | Reply

  26. I’m a little offended

    On behalf of all conceited and vain douchebags I take offense.

    It’s taken me years to get to this level of douchebaggery! Please do not mock me

    http://inspiredbycaffeinenicotine.blogspot.com/

    See putting my blog in this thread, total doucheyness!

    Thanks for cruising by my place, and I’m working on that g-string for you

    Comment by Rob | December 19, 2010 | Reply

    • Damned if I didn’t almost forget about that g-string. That would have been a tragedy beyond anything our douchebaggey minds could comprehend.

      Thanks Rob!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 19, 2010 | Reply


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