Zodi’s Blog

New Year’s Resolutions

It’s New Year’s Eve and I’m so excited that I could just pee on a prostitute. I mean, if she wanted me to. I wouldn’t necessarily like it, I’d just do it to be accommodating because I’m in a good mood. Sorry I haven’t been around as much as usual but it’s been for totally altruistic purposes. So I can get rich. Seriously? Things have come up and we might return to the states even sooner than expected. So I’m frantically trying to get as much of my book written as possible. Although I won’t be done before we leave, I’ll be close. This is the first book that I haven’t blown off after that 10 to 20 thousand word mark when past ideas have fizzled out like a damp crack rock. This one’s got legs, baby!  

 

I promise to be more attentive to your wants and needs again soon. I’m seriously considering starting a meth habit so I can increase my working hours from 3 a day to 22. I still have to weigh the pros and cons.

 

 This week’s post is admittedly weak, but in an effort to reward you with slight amusement for sticking with me through this slight lull, I give you this year’s resolutions…..                  

 

Stop knocking on my neighbor’s door and borrowing cups of ecstasy.

 

Throw someone under the bus while I’m on the chopping block. Ooohh, and definitely backdoor someone, hard.

 

Murder someone for wearing Crocs.

 

Find out what the IT in “it is what it is” is and murder IT.

 

Stop being so murdery.

 

Spend less time on the internet and more time on the web.

 

Figure out the ending of Lost. I think it had something to do with Cobb’s dream but I can’t be sure.

  

  

I use a button of peyote as my dream totem. Unfortunately, it just adds to the confusion.

 

Figure out the ending of Inception. I think it had something to do with John Locke’s false teeth.

 

Fix this damn boat and find Colonel Kurtz.

 

Kick Glenn Beck in his vagina.

 

Punch Rosie O’Donnell in her testicles.

 

Fist-pump Snooki in her hemorrhoids.

 

Stop being so gross.

 

Find a ninja and get him to bite me. (I’m not sure how that works, honestly.)

 

Break Bad. Or, I should say, break even badder.

.

Rescue, foster and re-home more zombies than last year.

Kaylee is a 22 year old sweet, mostly gentle (when she’s not hungry), housebroken female. Kaylee needs a forever home.

 

Teach young women not to get tattoos, not to go around kicking hornet’s nests and not to play with fire. The basics.

 

Write a best selling trilogy and NOT die before it blows the fuck up.

 

Get published at least once on both McSweeny’s and The Huffington Post.

 

Buy eggs at 7 cents a piece and sell them for 5 cents a piece and make a profit.

 

Clean up the Gulf seabed using only Tony Heywood’s liver and a bottle of turpentine.

 

Single handedly be the reason that the national vocabulary definition of ‘product’ goes from hair gel back to blow.

 

Just kidding about Snooki, I’d totally hit that.  

 

 

BTW, she’s also my new Buddha.

 

I’ll be back at my regularly scheduled day and time next Sunday as well as checking in on everybody, I promise. Happy New Year!!  

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December 31, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , ,

64 Comments »

  1. Wow! That’s a lot of resolutions!

    It might be a good idea to continue borrowing cups of ecstasy from neighbors, it may help with the being less murdery thing, or maybe you should switch to pot.

    Welcome back!

    Comment by Rev D | December 31, 2010 | Reply

    • It helps for a few blessed hours but the next day just becomes that more murdery. And pot makes me kinda scared feeling. I need a constant barrage of opiates, if anything.

      Thanks Rev D!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 31, 2010 | Reply

  2. Hey, Happy New Year and good luck with the book and the move.

    PS–Glad to hear I’m not the only one who thinks wearing Crocs is a capital offence.

    Comment by Thomas Stazyk | December 31, 2010 | Reply

    • The same to you as well Thomas. And I can’t wait to get back now.

      Aren’t they just awful?

      Thanks Thomas!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 31, 2010 | Reply

  3. Me thinks all these resolutions will explode long before New Years day dawns!

    Have good 2011.

    Comment by Dave Hambidge | December 31, 2010 | Reply

    • You are a prescient man Dave! I forgot to tell you how much I enjoyed your story, it was great!

      Thanks Dave!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 31, 2010 | Reply

      • How many still going?

        Comment by gallowaygrave | January 6, 2011 | Reply

        • I’ve accomplished 5 things and have 2 things still going. I’m so proud!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 7, 2011 | Reply

  4. I’ve missed my weekly dose of the Zodi and love your resolutions! I hope y’all are OK and no major mischief is returning you back from whence you came.
    I’ve missed seeing you around, as I highly value your opinion on like everything. I can’t wait until your book is published. I don’t care what it’s about, I just want to read it!

    Comment by Lisa | December 31, 2010 | Reply

    • Aww shucks, I was hardly gone at all.

      No, nothing major. Just some diplomatic incidents that the state department (US) thought would be best not to have to answer for. Who knew that so many Spanish politicians had such a low tolerance to speedballs? (I didn’t.)

      I’m excited to come back now though.

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 31, 2010 | Reply

  5. I want to be your accomplice when you murder someone for wearing crocs. Can we also add Uggs to that list?

    I also missed that you were moving back to the states. Which state????

    Comment by Candice | December 31, 2010 | Reply

    • Consider yourself accompliced up. And yes, yes we can. I always did fancy us doing a Natural Born Killers tour around the Wal-Marts of the south.

      Right back to St. Pete Beach Florida. You will come and visit!

      Thanks Candice!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 31, 2010 | Reply

  6. Make sure you keep us up to date re progress with your book. How about some little teasers?

    Comment by Karen lee Thompson | December 31, 2010 | Reply

    • I will for sure. I’m going to start a new blog and/or change this one to pimp out the book.

      Thanks Karen!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 31, 2010 | Reply

      • Pimp that scribe!

        Comment by Mitzi G Burger | January 1, 2011 | Reply

        • That’s why I play tennis Mitzi; to keep that pimp hand strong!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 1, 2011 | Reply

  7. I’m glad to hear you wouldn’t enjoying peeing on a prostitute because that’s how Hitler got his one-balled rocks off. I think you’ve got too many resolutions there, even though you forget to mention the one about getting Miss Buddha to sit on your face.

    Comment by Gorilla Bananas | December 31, 2010 | Reply

    • I did not know that about Hitler but yea, I can totally see it.

      I couldn’t handle that. I can’t even handle in the best of circumstances. I’m a lot like a less suave Larry David.

      Thanks GB!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 31, 2010 | Reply

  8. Scott….

    Dont bother

    Comment by Mr Pineapples | December 31, 2010 | Reply

    • I have to. Because I care.

      Thanks Mr Pineapples!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 31, 2010 | Reply

  9. Happy New Year Scott. That is quite the list, I hope you can keep at least one.

    Comment by Reb | December 31, 2010 | Reply

    • Happy New Year to you as well! I can keep at least 4. (That’s pessimistic too.)

      Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | December 31, 2010 | Reply

  10. Sounds like next year is trending to be the shiz for you! Best of luck and Happy New Year!

    p.s. I’ve done the zombie rescue thing. Keeping them fed and free of maggots cost a lot of time and money, but it was all worth it when I’d see the contentment and gratitude in their milky yellowy eyes. Oh, and when you would scratch just that right spot and they would gurgle. Gets ya right there, you know what I mean?

    Comment by Amy | December 31, 2010 | Reply

    • Oh my Snooki, I hope so Amy. Every year does seem to get better at least, except for the whole aging thing.

      That is so nice of you. You’re right, it can be such a burden and a money vacuum but it is so worth it. I have two now who’re still in their adolescent stage and trying to hump everything that looks dead. It’s so cute but they leave a hell of a snail trail with the blood and bits of rotting flesh. Still, it’s so rewarding!

      Thanks Amy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 1, 2011 | Reply

  11. “I promise to be more attentive to your wants and needs again soon.”

    ok, this is the resolution that interests me the most. Because I am a woman and I have needs.

    Comment by nursemyra | December 31, 2010 | Reply

    • I keep my promises too. For Christmas I’m going to give out ‘coupon books’ entitling recipients to ‘one free back rub’ and all sorts of other crazy stuff like that. I heard it wins hearts and minds!

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 1, 2011 | Reply

      • I want more than a back rub Scott…

        Comment by nursemyra | January 2, 2011 | Reply

        • Well I did say ‘all sorts of other crazy stuff like that’ so you know it gets better. I’m the foot fucking master! – I didn’t mean that how it sounded, I meant that in the Pulp Fiction kind of way.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 2, 2011 | Reply

  12. Scott

    I have often wondered if having sex with a zombie hooker would be good…specially if she is hot…snookie i hope she gets clamidia from mini-me whe he makes a guest appearance….i really believe the end of inception and Lost were the same….it was a cryptic message…DRINK YOUR OVALTINE……ahhh gotta love those christmas story jabs…maybe we ougtha take up smoking weed and watch Family guy reruns til dawn…yeah thats the ticket…happy new year…zman sends

    Comment by zmanowner | December 31, 2010 | Reply

    • Sex with a zombie = too messy to be good.
      Snooki and Mini Me = I’d pay to see that.
      Lost and Inception = Locke was Cobb and also Little Ralphie and Orphan Annie.
      Lastly, you have one hell of a plan. What time shall I come over? (Then we’ll go to White Castle and make a night of it!

      Thanks Z-Man!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 1, 2011 | Reply

  13. HAPPY FRIGGIN NEW YEAR …has anyone got an asprin 😦 Hmm Scott, now if I was to accidentally kill a croc wearing citizen can I use this blog as my defense???????

    Comment by frigginloon | January 1, 2011 | Reply

    • Happy New Year Back Atcha!

      Well it’s been done to Marylyn Manson and Ozzy. I don’t see myself as any less culpable than them. So hell yea.

      Thanks Loon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 1, 2011 | Reply

  14. That button looks REALLY hard to swallow.

    Have a great New Year Scott, this side of the “pond” awaits your presence.

    Comment by Micky-T | January 1, 2011 | Reply

    • Well the top is but my totem, the button of peyote, goes down easier than Courtney Love. After it goes down though, all sorts of shit happens.

      I can’t wait to be back!

      Thanks Micky!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 1, 2011 | Reply

  15. Happy New Year dude!

    Comment by Jay | January 1, 2011 | Reply

    • Happy New Year to you too, Dude!

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 1, 2011 | Reply

  16. One is pleased that the INCEPTION of the new year does not find you LOST but resolving to complete great works of fiction which I demand to READ NOW or whenever available in ms or galleys form or hot off the shelf.

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | January 1, 2011 | Reply

    • I feel like I’ve just been subliminally messaged, but I can’t be sure. I have this strange urge to hurry the hell up and finish the book and get it to you as soon as possible. Or maybe I’m dreaming. Or actually dead? Shit!

      Thanks Mitzi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 1, 2011 | Reply

  17. There is a way to buy eggs for 7 cents and sell ’em for 5 and make a profit. It’s called a “subsidy”. We have all kinds of them back here in the States. Your fellow Americans will reach deep into their paychecks to make sure you can still make money pushing a loss leader.

    They have these subsidies in Europe as well. They’re what keeps the fields from being sprayed with milk periodically. It’s a wonderful system.

    This joke is transcontinental:

    How do you starve a farmer?

    Weld his mailbox shut.

    Happy New Year, Scott!

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | January 1, 2011 | Reply

    • Ahh, I’ve heard about this subsidy business. It’s a whole syndicate and everybody has a share, right? The syndicate is big with milk in the mid-west and corn pretty much everywhere. The government is losing a bundle but that doesn’t matter because the syndicate is making a huge profit and everybody benefits because everybody has a share.

      This way we’ll have so much corn we’ll just put it in every motherfucking thing. There can be corn in shit (ha!) that you never believed possible.

      (Sorry I just read Catch 22 again and forgot how good (and applicable) it is.

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 2, 2011 | Reply

  18. Murder but stop being so murdery, that sounds a bit contradictory.
    lol.
    Meth might help, i certainly dont recommend weed.

    Comment by Artswebshow | January 2, 2011 | Reply

    • My life is one long, confusing contradiction. It confuses even me. I often live by my lower, animal nature but I aspire to greater things. Such is the curse of human existence. And you’re right; weed would put me in a paranoid coma.

      Thanks Artswebshow!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 2, 2011 | Reply

  19. pee on a prostitute…hahahaha

    Comment by strangetributes | January 2, 2011 | Reply

    • It’s not nearly as glamorous as it sounds.

      Thanks Strangetributes!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 3, 2011 | Reply

  20. Good luck with all THAT. Happy New Year. Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | January 3, 2011 | Reply

    • I’ve had exceptional luck so far this year. Especially with being less murdery. So far at least.

      Thanks Matt!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 3, 2011 | Reply

  21. “Murder someone for wearing Crocs.” Someone? Please take out as many as possible. I hate those things. Happy New Year!

    Comment by thoughtsappear | January 3, 2011 | Reply

    • Well if I’m going to take out a herd of Crocs I’m going to need some help. First of all is it a ‘herd’ of crocs?

      Thanks Thoughtsappear!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 3, 2011 | Reply

      • Herd or gaggle. Let’s go with herd.

        Comment by thoughtsappear | January 4, 2011 | Reply

        • I’m perfectly willing to go with herd but I love gaggle!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 5, 2011 | Reply

  22. I quit making new years resolutions decades ago because I found out lying to other people is way better than lying to myself.

    Also the end of inception actually is John Locke’s false teeth. It’s his one real tooth that had everybody fooled.

    Comment by jammer5 | January 3, 2011 | Reply

    • I have to keep lying to myself or I’d become suicidal. I know that it’s not too late to be suddenly drafted into the NFL, signed to the major leagues or recruited by the CIA.

      It’s totally ok if none of those things happen though because when I go back I’m going to win the World Series of Poker and make my money that way.

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 4, 2011 | Reply

  23. Dear Bloggy Man,
    If it makes for to be Sunday, how yous peoples say? If it makes for to be Sunday then it makes to meet the wordpress, no? I man enough for the saying I misses you when no haves writings.” I misses you much” likes the Janet Jackson. Bloggy Man, you knows how I makse for to say that I be for the mans and the womans? Yes, you remembers. Well,when you make for to send me to new owner, I make for sad. She say to me, “Poor, Roddie, it makes OK. He makes for to be the Hemingway and you have to let his juices flows.” This makes me sad because she either talking you have new man for juices named Hemingway or you haves oranges not grown in the Brasil, yes?
    The Rodrigo so sad and the lonely, but the woman say I be OK. Can I comes back? I no wants to stay here with no mans.

    So sad, so alone,
    The
    Rodrigo

    Comment by Lisa | January 3, 2011 | Reply

    • Rodrigo! My god, I’ve missed you. I’ve missed your backrubs and footrubs and rubdowns. I’ve missed the way that you used to wash and condition and knead and finger comb my hair. I miss the way you’d start looking all anxious and pace when you had to be let outside.

      But you belong to Lisa now. Please continue to take care of her in every possible way. If you make her happy then you earn your wings big guy!

      PS. Show her the pencil and Xanex trick.

      Thanks Rodrigo!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 4, 2011 | Reply

  24. “Single handedly be the reason that the national vocabulary definition of ‘product’ goes from hair gel back to blow.”

    My favorite line here!

    I accidently intercepted a scrambled transmission from the U.S. Coast Guard this morning, off the coast of Florida:

    – Evidently . . . he has cultivated a large group of Spanish gypsies, who worship him like some kind of god (end) He is expected back in the states soon, so we must be prepared (end) Yes . . . Oglesby (end) Scott Oglesby (end)-

    I’m just saying . . .

    Great post! I’ll prepare the estate for your return.

    Comment by invasive1 | January 3, 2011 | Reply

    • I knew that you’d appreciate that particular resolution. When I hear the kids these days, especially the Jersey kids, who should well better know better, talking about product in their hair, I can just hear 50,000 Columbians turning over in their shallow graves.

      Thanks for the preparations, that’s nice! And be on the lookout for 70 large porcelain urns headed your way in the next month. America doesn’t have enough (X) decorative urns.

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 4, 2011 | Reply

      • Scott! It’s over! I’m freaking employed again! To quote Sam Kinneson: “Uh, uh, uuuuuuuhhhhhh!!!” Many many years ago, I ran a cleaning crew for K mart near Boston (where I befriended The Cambodian), so I sold that experience to now become a lead man on a crew for a nearby town, with great pay, bennys, and (drum roll), a damn pension! One week from now, my unemployment would’ve run out. Whew! Now for the zillion dollar question. Can I use your “letters” bit, to “write” letters to former employees, for my post? Just to get a few things off my burning little chest? Also . . . we shall party some fine day. I see it coming, although they moved George Jung to Arizona, the bastids. We shall . . . parrrrrtyyyyyy . . . and make the Columbians proud again! We put the “OD” in “pr[od]uct”!

        Comment by invasive1 | January 6, 2011 | Reply

        • That’s fantastic news brother man. I knew that this was going to be a fantastic year for everybody. So now if I can successfully not get a job the way that you successfully got a job we’ll both be perfect.

          I’ll be back in 2 months, I hope you are polishing your finest china. (that’s code for procuring me cereal bowls full of Jung.)

          Awesome Dan!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 7, 2011 | Reply

          • Done deal! Break out the cocaine pinatas!!!

            Comment by invasive1 | January 7, 2011 | Reply

            • I’d settle for Twix pinatas too, it’s been awhile since I had a Twix.

              Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 8, 2011 | Reply

  25. Okay, so Ive tried to comment on this for 2 days but my internet is so slow that I finally had 2 gvr up and use my cell phone. So ths comment will suck. But I love yur resolutions &i know you will be in mcsweeneyys & huffington post!

    Comment by bschooled | January 3, 2011 | Reply

    • Your comments never suck B. Except those few times when you wrote under the pseudonym Misty Mountains for that porn column I did. Then your comments sucked but in a good way. And here you are again, making all that extra effort just for me. That’s what doppelgangers are for, I guess!

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 4, 2011 | Reply

  26. i havent made any resolutions this year…

    ill just steal some from u hehe

    Comment by Fever Beaver | January 6, 2011 | Reply

    • Feel free to take what you need. I suggest one of the murders.

      Thanks Fever Beaver!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 7, 2011 | Reply


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