Zodi’s Blog

This is the End

Those prophetic words, sung out in rapturous melancholy over 3 decades ago by the man in black ma…. No, not Johnny Cash, I mean Jim Morrison. He wasn’t the man in black? But he always wore black. Sorry. Anyway, those prophetic words may be finally coming to fruition. On New Year’s Eve, birds began falling out of the sky, dead before they hit the ground and were presumably stepped on or driven over with irritation and mild disgust. By Saturday morning there were 5,000 dead birds littering the ground in the small, rural community of Beebe Arkansas. A town which was named after the wealthy Governor, I think. That’s also the governor’s name so it seems awfully coincidental, I mean, what do you expect from rednecks?

 

 

It doesn’t matter what you expect from rednecks, really. The 5,000 dead blackbir.… “No, there were definitely 4,858 dead Red Winged Blackbirds” said eyewitness Raymond Babbitt. “Definitely Red Winged Blackbirds, definitely 4,858 dead Red Winged Blackbirds. It’s definitely the beginning of the biblical apocalypse, uh oh.”    

 

This bizarre incident was only the beginning however, as other poor southern states hoped to get in on the new bird apocalypse tourist industry and so reported mass ornithoid deaths of their own. Soon Kentucky, Louisiana and Texas had joined the Dead Wing Club causing residents in those states to go out and buy beer, cigarettes and Garth Brooks CD’s. By the next morning Europe had joined the fray with Sweden chiming in and reporting the deaths of at least 50 Jackoffs. Almost all of them listened to Yanni and shopped at IKEA. I tried to reach Lisbeth Salander for comment, since she’s the only Nordic chick I know but so far she just keeps calling me Bastard Kalle Fucking Oglesby and immediately slamming the phone down. That bitch has issues, in my opinion. But she’s super hot and nifty with the computer so I still love her hard.

 

Before long this global phenomena had spread, like herpes on a warm butter knife, to marine life and fresh new cases were reported in Kent England with 40 Devil Craps, Brazil with an estimated 100 tons of fish (although it’s hard to tell for certain since the scientists in charge of records kept getting laid by amazingly hot and well groomed beach goers and losing count), Chesapeake Bay Maryland with 100k fish, and thousands more in Florida. However authorities believe the fish in Florida probably went there specifically to die.    

 

“These incidents have people worried.” Said Stephen Foster, media spokesman for The Organization for the Representation of Public Sentiment. “Other prevalent emotions include anxiousness, anger, disappointment and feelings of inadequacy. Though the last one is primarily due to the public’s tiny penis size.” Foster went on to clarify during his press conference on Friday. 

 

Bill O’Reilly stirred the pot by blaming the birds themselves for instigating the trend. “It has to be said,” O’Reilly stated during his show Friday, “these blackbirds are 100% to blame for this. Poor Irish and German birds came over and made a better life for themselves. These blackbirds started this with their gangster rap talking about their bitches and ho’s and cappin somebody’s ass and this is what happens. The community turns on itself and you have this blackbird on blackbird violence, culminating in 5,000 dead birds in Arkansas in a single day.”

“Definitely 4, 858 dead Red-Winged Blackbirds.” Raymond Babbitt interjected from the guest panel.

“That’s right,” O’Reilly went on “this retarded guy knows his facts!”

“I’m definitely not retarded. Asshole.” Babbitt replied scathingly.   

 

Dennis Miller then chimed in with, “I wonder if Huckabee used the Phonoi and Androktasiai to trick Cernunnos by using Limos and Hysminai in causing this massive genocide like a militant Idi Amin wiping out a Ugandan village because he didn’t like the local farmers’ cassava output, you know what I mean Bill?”

“Yep, yes, you got em Dennis.” Bill O’Reilly lied.

“Uh oh.” agreed Babbitt.

O’Reilly said in closing, “It’s getting so normal, respectable, Christian whites with western European ancestry can’t walk down the street without being struck about the head and shoulders with bloody bird carcasses. It’s a disgrace.”

 

The latest incident saw 8 thousand turtle doves fall from the sky in Italy, their beaks stained with blue. While this is a normal sign of hypoxia, Silvio Berlusconi offered this explanation, “They are stupid, stupid animal. Why are you for caring?”

 

Scientists worldwide have offered up some plausible (alien death rays, an angry God) and some ridiculous (fireworks, cold water, disease) explanations and have urged restraint and common sense but this reporter doesn’t buy any of it. 

He may not look it, but he's enraged.

 

Big, big things are happening folks, and they are going to keep happening, even escalating, maybe, until the end of the fucking world. But don’t quote me on that.

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January 9, 2011 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , ,

53 Comments »

  1. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry, so I’ll do the former and hope we all meet in heaven or at least that I won’t be the only one in hell.
    I never could figure out what the heck (I will say only heck and hope Jesus puts it on his scorecard for me) Dennis Miller talks about either.
    Best paragraph ever:
    Bill O’Reilly stirred the pot by blaming the birds themselves for instigating the trend. “It has to be said,” O’Reilly stated during his show Friday, “these blackbirds are 100% to blame for this. Poor Irish and German birds came over and made a better life for themselves. These blackbirds started this with their gangster rap talking about their bitches and ho’s and cappin somebody’s ass and this is what happens. The community turns on itself and you have this blackbird on blackbird violence, culminating in 5,000 dead birds in Arkansas in a single day.

    This bird thing is making me a little nervous. I used to be terrified that the world would end. I think some childhood fears die hard. Or heck, it could be global warming too. I haven’t been to church in like 10 years and have almost become a deist. So I’m totally screwed.
    It always goes this way. I finally find something to live for and then the f’ing world ends. I do have some good news, but I dare not brag about it until it happens, but it sounds like she meant it. Anyway, I’ll have to show you what cryptic thing I mean.

    Did I tell you how happy I am you’re back? How I immediately opened my email when it said you did a new post? You are the bomb!

    Comment by Lisa | January 9, 2011 | Reply

    • I just talked to Jesus (on the phone since he’s DJ’ing a club in Ibiza) and he told me to tell you not to worry. As a matter of fact he told me to tell you that you don’t have to worry about anything at all, because everything is going to be alright. Or not. But worrying won’t make a difference either way. He also tried to sell me a half ounce of pure MDMA powder, but that’s beside the point.

      I read somewhere that something was going on with magnetic pole shifting. Much more of that and it would be cataclysmic; I’d have to move again because I hate cold weather.

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 10, 2011 | Reply

  2. I’m pretty sure that the Arkansas bird fallout is what Lynyrd Skynrd was referring to when they posited that “the South gonna do it again.”

    As for the European display of dead animal empathizing, I think it’s just some sort of Greek CDO/Euro collapse protest that I’ll never fully understand unless Felix Salmon over at Reuters can break it down into an easy-to-follow infographic. Something about how the Germans don’t want to have to work until they’re 75 just so the Italians can retire at 55. There’s a World War III somewhere in there. Your inclusion of Bill O’Reilly pretty much guarantees it.

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | January 9, 2011 | Reply

    • I thought they were talking about seceding from the union again. Which was ok with me. The only southern state I love is Florida and that’s more New York South and Caribbean North than Southern US.

      That’s what’s great about Europe though, everybody has a role and every role gets played out. The Germans will work until they can’t stand up any longer. The Italians will retire at 55. The Spanish will work one or two months of the year and only 3 hours of each day at that. The Irish will be stoic and bitter. The Welsh will get high. The French will sip wine and get laid, constantly. And the English will discuss all these things at length.

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 10, 2011 | Reply

  3. Looking at other drivers on the highway when I am sitting in the passenger seat with my wife driving, I can say, THE BIRD is alive and well.

    Comment by Bearman | January 9, 2011 | Reply

    • Well, they say the the bird is the word. The bird is the word. The bird is the word.

      Thanks Bearman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 10, 2011 | Reply

  4. “However authorities believe the fish in Florida probably went there specifically to die.”
    I didn’t think it was possible, but you just keep getting funnier!
    Can’t get too worked up about birds falling from the sky. But, if it starts raining gerbils or shetland ponies, I’ll break the spine on my Bible and hope that it still counts if you’re praying while sloshed on wine.

    Comment by Amy | January 9, 2011 | Reply

    • I just read about a case in the 1890’s(?) where it was raining meat. Either venison or lamb from the sky for over 3 minutes. People tasted it. They were probably hungry. It was corroborated by the New York Times. If that shit happened I’d just start shooting heroin into my jugular because, you know, what the fucking fuck.

      Thanks Amy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 10, 2011 | Reply

  5. It sounds like a mass suicide to me – some turkey must have started a new religious cult and told his followers to stop flapping their wings.

    Comment by Gorilla Bananas | January 9, 2011 | Reply

    • I like your theory but I fear that humans may be the only ones stupid enough to do such dumb shit as join a religion.

      Thanks Gorilla Bananas!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 10, 2011 | Reply

  6. Pity loads of cats don’t go tits up; save my garden from piles of pussy pooh…

    Comment by Dave Hambidge | January 9, 2011 | Reply

    • I love cats, but you do have tits and pussy so this comment’s a winner in my book.

      Thanks Dave!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 10, 2011 | Reply

  7. Well, the pigeons are alive and well in Phoenix and crapping all over my car – why can’t WE have an Apocalypse? [said in a pathetic, slightly whining tone…]

    “… I’m an excellent driver…” jus’ sayin’

    Comment by Desert Rat | January 9, 2011 | Reply

    • Wouldn’t it be nice if pigeons ceased to exist?

      I hope you stayed away from Tucson this weekend..

      Thanks Dessert Rat!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 10, 2011 | Reply

  8. I think it was all the teen girls playing the Justin Bieber CDs they got for Christmas. It set up a hypersonic whine in the atmosphere that zapped the bird’s inner ears. Or maybe they just killed themselves in desperation.

    Comment by Thomas Stazyk | January 9, 2011 | Reply

    • roflmao

      Comment by Reb | January 10, 2011 | Reply

    • That, my friend, is one of the best theories that I’ve heard so far.

      Thanks Thomas!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 10, 2011 | Reply

    • thomas, i think this is correct….

      Justin Beiber is the cause God’s wrath… lets sacrifice him to our god!!!

      haha
      isnt he a virgin still??? we can throw him into the volcano!

      Comment by Fever Beaver | January 12, 2011 | Reply

      • Well I guess if we have to throw away a perfectly good virgin, it might as well be the Beiber.

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 13, 2011 | Reply

  9. Scott, you are as gifted as all get out (or ‘all git out’ if you’re from Arkansas). Wow, this tied right into chapter two of Stephen Hawking’s new book The Grand Design. He describes how “ignorance of nature’s ways led people in ancient times to invent gods to lord it over every aspect of human life” and how when they were displeased “there came drought, war, pestilence and epidemics.” I’m sure he would have worked in deluges of dead birds had his editor not been so damn persistent in meeting the deadline for publication.

    P.S. You absolutely NAILED O’Reilly and Miller. Loved it.

    Comment by elizabeth3hersh | January 9, 2011 | Reply

    • I’ve been meaning to read that. I’m waiting until I’m back in the land of libraries aplenty to enjoy all of my non fiction required reading. I order from Amazon too much as it is. But I AM moving back in less than two months!

      The fact that so many people are still infatuated with Bronze Age superstition simply astonishes me, honestly.

      Thanks Elizabeth!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 10, 2011 | Reply

  10. You nailed Rainman. Uh oh.

    Comment by nursemyra | January 9, 2011 | Reply

    • I love him. He’s my go to character in any situation or awkward silence.

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 10, 2011 | Reply

  11. ‘Omithoid’ is my new word of the week. Bring on more Zoditainment, with infographics.

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | January 9, 2011 | Reply

    • Yes, I’m just waiting to slip “moribund ornithoid” into my next conversation!

      Comment by Thomas Stazyk | January 9, 2011 | Reply

      • Let me know the particulars, please.

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 10, 2011 | Reply

        • Me: Those moribund ornithoids are a real problem.

          Friend: Have you tried Preparation H for that?

          Comment by Thomas Stazyk | January 10, 2011 | Reply

    • So you want me to be more like the USA Today. Ok, I’ve been meaning to get back to doing news satire.

      Thanks Mitzi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 10, 2011 | Reply

  12. Every morning I walk out of my apartment and check on the ducks. So far, they’re still there. So, as long as the ducks are still there, I’ll assume this is something that’s happening far away from me and is nothing to worry about.

    Comment by Jay | January 10, 2011 | Reply

    • So the ducks are your canaries? If the ducks stop ducking, you’re going to get the hell out of Dodge, Dodge being Arkansas, right? Sounds like a great plan to me.

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 10, 2011 | Reply

  13. poor little birdies.

    Comment by Reb | January 10, 2011 | Reply

    • Then again, maybe they knew what was coming and ended it quickly…?

      Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 10, 2011 | Reply

  14. OK Scott, building Bill O’Reilly into the flockalypse pure genius.

    Comment by frigginloon | January 10, 2011 | Reply

    • He gets all agitated when he feels left out.

      Thanks Loon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 11, 2011 | Reply

    • or when he’s involved in a sex scandal!!!!

      Comment by frigginloon | January 12, 2011 | Reply

      • Haha, he pretty much always feels agitated.

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 12, 2011 | Reply

  15. “like herpes on a warm butter knife”—Bwahahaha!

    Comment by thoughtsappear | January 10, 2011 | Reply

    • I assume that it spreads like that but I’m only guessing.

      Thanks Thoughtsappear!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 11, 2011 | Reply

  16. When Sarah Palin gets her own TV Show, we will then know it is truly the en—Oh Fuck. Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | January 10, 2011 | Reply

    • The good news (for animals living in Alaska) is that it finally got cancelled.

      Thanks Matt!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 11, 2011 | Reply

  17. Reorted the death of 50 jackoffs.
    ha ha, classic.
    You know what you might be right
    Now where’s that damn garth brooks CD

    Comment by Artswebshow | January 11, 2011 | Reply

    • No, don’t resort to that. I promise that it will get better.

      Thanks Artswebshow!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 11, 2011 | Reply

  18. If frogs start falling from the sky, I’m honkering down in my bunker with a shit load of canned goods and jars of my own urine. Well, I’m not bringing the urine, but I’ll be collecting it while I listen to the frogs thumping on the roof – sweet, sweet frog thumping music . . .

    Comment by Dr. Ken | January 11, 2011 | Reply

    • Wait, you have a bunker? That is freaking awesome! Can I come if I bring a cereal bowl of ecstasy and my own urine?

      Thanks Dr. Ken!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 11, 2011 | Reply

  19. Yeah i with you on this scott. I think Dennis Miller is right..time to take momma and the kids to the fallout shelter with a few copies of catcher in the rye while singing kumbaya on the new battery operated ipod…..some shit is going down on mother earth wish i was steve buscemi in armageddon least he had a front seat…zman sends

    Comment by zmanowner | January 11, 2011 | Reply

    • I’d need more than Catcher in the Rye to ride out Armageddon. I’d bring Clockwork Orange, Catch-22, The Stand, The Talisman, and the Larsson trilogy. Not to mention a few books of crossword puzzles and a few Penthouses since there won’t be any internet. We’re going to need a bigger bookbag.

      Thanks Z-Man!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 12, 2011 | Reply

  20. The total seriousness of the matter forces me to make a decision I’ve longed to not make because making it can only be done if the situation is serious enough (I got that from listening to a recording of Glenn Beck backwards).

    That decision is this: I’m now starting a death panel (Note: this is not insurance) that will cover the following:

    1. Future Raptured people, or candidates thereof.

    2. People struck by falling animals.

    3. People who own animals that might fall on other people, and thus might be killed by people who think falling animals are sent by demons and such.

    4. People who just want to give me money.

    You can get in on this, bro. I accept cash, credit cards, gold, silver and bling. After the sucker individual pays the fee, I send it to an off-shore account, relax on the beach, and fend off some, but not all, of the beautiful chicks.

    Comment by jammer5 | January 14, 2011 | Reply

    • Ha, I love your idea, I’m totally in! I’m a little surprised at your method though. When I listen to Beck backwards I usually end up thinking that we live in a utopian democracy where the vast majority of people, even politicians, are simply trying to do the best they can.

      I’d be happy to take all of your cast aways as well. That’s what friends are for.

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 15, 2011 | Reply

  21. I am hoping to sit in the right hand of Morgan Freeman
    I have done all the good deeds I can stomach
    I have kept my judgements to myself except for on my blog and when I tell people to go fuck themselves and
    I have participated in adultry only when the man didn’t tell tell me he was married until after we screwed around
    Oh – and I haven’t coveted my neighbors

    So I’m good
    Right?

    Comment by dianne | January 14, 2011 | Reply

    • That’s incredible because I’ve always pictured you sitting at the right hand of Morgan Freeman. You two make an amazing couple. And that makes you kind of a God, so you married, like, really, really well.

      You’re totally good.

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 15, 2011 | Reply

  22. I’m not the only person who still laughs when the word “retarded” is used, am I? I’m a bad person, aren’t I?

    Comment by gazingatnavels | January 29, 2011 | Reply

    • Not at all. I was part of a campaign last year to ‘take retarded back.’ It’s for comedians now!

      Thanks Gazingatnavels!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 29, 2011 | Reply


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