Zodi’s Blog

Left Behind

I was bitten by a zombie while I was sleeping a few nights ago and now I’m dying. Either that or a team of aliens raped me and blinded me with the light of their orgasm and now their botulism infected sperm is all awash in my sinuses, lungs and pituitary gland. I can’t even guess at the ways they must have violated me to impregnate so much of my body. They either have tiny, piercing penises or a really powerful sperm propulsion device. Or maybe alien sperm all swim like Michael Phelps after he’s had a bowl of Chronic and a bowl of Cheerios. How am I supposed to know? That’s why they are called aliens for Christ sakes, because everything they do is Greek to us. See? I’m also on a ton of cold medicine, as this ceiling fan will happily tell you. (He never shuts up. Or stops his incessant, maddening spinning.) I’ve noticed that cold medicine is a lot like 3 hits of LSD. Or maybe I have defective cold medicine.

 

Due to my slow, agonizing death, I’ve been unable to motivate myself to write my book, to get ready to move thousands of miles, to work on my blog, to do much of anything but read. Many of you know of my unhealthy obsession with people who are unhealthily obsessed with the rapture. My wife knows of this obsession as well and was enabling enough to buy me Rapture Ready by Daniel Radosh. The book is even more fascinating than the website by the same name but with a totally different worldview. And by that I mean they want the world to end. While the website is made up of paranoid delusional fucknuts who need a shoulder to cry on and a black president to wish eternal hellfire upon, the book is written by an outsider looking in at the alternate reality universe of Christian pop culture.

  

When I see that shit… I’m done with the Sudafed.

 

If you you’re like I am and have an insatiable need to understand the pathology that causes so many Christians to be less pleasant that a salt water enema delivered by a juiced up New York City Jail guard having a bad day, then you must read this book. Radosh, who now writes for The Daily Show, devotes an entire chapter to Left Behind, which, as it turns out, goes a long way to explaining the sociopathic nature of modern fundamental and/or evangelical Christianity.

 

Left Behind is a series of novels that focus on the post rapture world and are, at their core, a way for the righteous to get their holy rocks off by mentally masturbating to the suffering and deaths of ‘the rest of us’ while proverbially doing the Eddie Murphy ice cream dance to the tune of “I told you so.” What astonished me was the unheralded success of this babbling bullshit. The franchise, of more cultural harm than if Hitler had opened a hot dog chain in the diamond district, has sold over 65 Million copies and 100 million products. The seventh book in the series was the first Christian novel to reach number one on the NY Times bestseller list.

.

  

It’s my understanding that the movie is even better than the books. I mean, Kirk Mother Fucking Cameron!!!!

 

Radosh then goes on to introduce Fred Clark of Slacktivist, who, as far as I’ve read, is one of the biggest, baddest bloggers around. Clark has painstakingly, over 5 years, dissected and destroyed nearly every page of the worst series of novels that has ever been published.

 

Maybe it’s my own asshole-ish personality that always wants to shout “fight fight,” but I delight in the mean girl-ness of the whole thing. The fact that I’ve never read the books doesn’t make the resultant carnage any less entertaining. Also, since I never went to journalism school (I didn’t know who to ask, what to study, when to enroll, where to go, or how to begin), I’m using this literary autopsy as a way to learn what mistakes to avoid in my own writing/research.

 

Clark is brilliant, compassionate (towards everyone but the authors), informed, insightful and, shockingly to me, an evangelical Christian, but I won’t hold that against him, especially since he is so adept at eviscerating that particular sect of Christianity that I despise so much.

.

Even The Buddha frowns upon these people. And it takes a lot to make The Buddha frown.

 

 

If you have a few extra weeks of your life, and wish to be ceaselessly entertained, follow this link and work your way back as Clark works his way forward (you have to go through the blog backwards, unfortunately) through this hilariously horrible book with an unbelievably evil message: if you aren’t ‘one of us’ then you can fuck off and die while we point and laugh.   

 

Rapture Ready (the book) helped me to understand these peoples’ ignorance probably better than they do themselves. But that’s the bitch about willful ignorance; the people who perpetuate it have no desire to understand it.

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January 16, 2011 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , ,

70 Comments »

  1. Is the guy playing buddha in the pic above the same guy I see in greeting cards showing a pic of him from the backside wearing oh too small jean shorts?

    Comment by Bearman | January 16, 2011 | Reply

    • I’m sure it is. He’s pretty altruistic with his image. As well a Buddha should be.

      Thanks Bearman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 17, 2011 | Reply

  2. “Left Behind is a series of 16 best-selling novels…” says Wikipedia. Does the world end in the last one or in all of them? Has anyone thought of writing a spoof called Kiss my Left Behind?

    Comment by Gorilla Bananas | January 16, 2011 | Reply

    • The apocalypse happens at the very beginning of the first book and everything goes downhill from there. The link to Clark sums it up perfectly.

      Thanks Gorilla Bananas!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 17, 2011 | Reply

  3. I read the first Left Behind book. It’s actually pretty interesting reading…Just saying, now I’m going back to reading the rest of your post.

    Comment by Lisa | January 16, 2011 | Reply

    • You need to read Slacktivist to undo the damage then.

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 17, 2011 | Reply

  4. Seriously though you should read the first book. It’s so full o’ shit, but it is interesting.

    Comment by Lisa | January 16, 2011 | Reply

    • I’ve seen enough of it through Clark to know how bad it is. He goes through almost every page anyway.

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 17, 2011 | Reply

  5. Ok, finished reading your post. Hilarious, but you are so going to hell it isn’t even funny…well, it is pretty damn funny. I hope we can be neighbors there at least.
    It’s these folks who go around with “Eternity: Smoking or non-smoking” that turns people away from Christianity and prolly makes Jesus weep. No greater way to evangelize atheism. You prolly remember the
    time wingnuts made me think the world was ending when I was about 7. I get angry sometimes thinking about stuff like that, though they meant well.

    I hope you get better soon, Scott, or else I’ll worry you got the cholera and you’re too funny a writer to croak or something.

    Further sign the world is ending: Did you see who left a comment on my blog the other day? I ought to write a book on “How to Win Friends and Troll People.”

    Comment by Lisa | January 16, 2011 | Reply

    • I’ve always had a problem with biblical literalists who deny every known thing about the universe to uphold their faith. Then in the last few years I learned of these awful awful people who are…just despicable. I can’t believe how many Americans believe in this fantasy. This idea first began when Jesus Christ calmly explained it to an ex-con named Scofield in 1909. I’m pretty sure Jesus also commanded that Christians ignore all the nice shit he had said previously as well.

      I didn’t see but if there is one thing that my homeless, alcoholic, now deceased father taught me it was to never turn down a friend, a customer or a drink. (I’ve deleted the last one from my mores due to overwhelming empirical evidence.)

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 17, 2011 | Reply

      • was fairy. didnt comment on my writing though!

        Comment by Lisa | January 17, 2011 | Reply

        • Most people don’t, not really. That’s cool.

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 18, 2011 | Reply

          • she’s not a connoisseur of fine writing like my hero is. I always eagerly await what you will say when I write something.

            Comment by Lisa | January 19, 2011 | Reply

            • Plus it prolly didn’t help that she didn’t read a damned word I bet.

              Comment by Lisa | January 19, 2011 | Reply

              • I can always tell when people haven’t read a word of mine. A ton of people do that but none of the good ones.

                Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 19, 2011 | Reply

            • I shouldn’t be your hero Lisa, I’m not hero material. I’m old and balding and reticent to… do things.

              Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 19, 2011 | Reply

              • Pshaw! You the hero and Becky is my idol, and Loon be my soul sista. You are destined to be The Author. And besides your enormous talent, you aren’t crazy neurotic like me ( or at leas you got a hold of it). I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels that way.

                Comment by Lisa | January 19, 2011 | Reply

                • I’m pretty sure that you are but thanks.

                  You have some amazing talent yourself!

                  Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 20, 2011 | Reply

  6. I’m assuming those hotdogs wouldn’t be Hebrew Nats. 🙂 I got more satisfaction reading this post than from the entire Sunday Review-Journal. Zei gezunt, my friend.

    Comment by elizabeth3hersh | January 16, 2011 | Reply

    • Hitler with kosher hot dogs? That would be anathema to the delusional prick. Although, admittedly, the world would have been a better place if he did immigrate to the states to make his entrepreneurial fortune in wieners. We probably would have invented jet packs by now if it weren’t for him.

      Zei gezunt to you as well.

      Thanks Elizabeth!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 17, 2011 | Reply

  7. Are you sure that the pains in your head are really a cold and not caused by reading the book?

    Comment by Thomas Stazyk | January 16, 2011 | Reply

    • No, the book is by an outsider looking in with disbelief and humor. It’s a fantastic book.

      Thanks Thomas!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 17, 2011 | Reply

  8. Book sounds fascinating. I’ll have to click the blog link later, it’s Monday morning here and I’m leaving for work soon.

    Hitler, hot dogs, diamond district, enemas, alien sperm, talking fans….. only you Scott, only you.

    Comment by nursemyra | January 16, 2011 | Reply

    • It is NM, you’ll love it. It the best non-fiction I’ve read in a year.

      I try to give you a salad bar’s worth of choice. As long as you walk away satisfied!

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 17, 2011 | Reply

  9. Timithy Leary’s dead….
    Noooow….oooow,
    he’s outside….. looking in!

    ….and…. I read the whole Left Behind series and I’m still not afraid to be left behind.

    Comment by Micky-T | January 16, 2011 | Reply

    • I should eloborate a little…. my sister-in-law gave me the books hoping for a conversion, Bwhaaaaaa Haaa Haaa Haaa.
      It was a decent story to read, with decent characters, but a laugh riot through the whole series that I never let her know how hard I was laughing on the inside. My wife’s in on the laugh too.

      Comment by Micky-T | January 16, 2011 | Reply

      • Is this really a sentence by the greatest journalist in the world, “To say the Israelis were caught off guard was like saying that the Great Wall of China was long.” –Worst. Prose. EVER.

        You’ll enjoy the dissection of that mess Micky; check out the link to Slacktivist.

        Thanks Micky!!

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 17, 2011 | Reply

    • I wish he was around to see this shit. Long live Timothy Leary.

      I think it would be cool as hell to survive Armageddon. It would be so much easier to find parking.

      Thanks Micky!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 17, 2011 | Reply

  10. Zombies, aliens, Hitler, fundy Christians – you never fail to deliver.
    Hope your cold meds get you feeling better soon. Or, you birth that alien baby. Whatever helps.

    Comment by Amy | January 16, 2011 | Reply

    • I hope these cold meds keep these hallucinations coming. This shit is better than watching Fox News on peyote.

      I was hoping you’d come along and help with the delivery. I’m told it will get messy.

      Thanks Amy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 17, 2011 | Reply

  11. Left Behind! Blahahaha that’s friggin Kirk Cameron’s bunch of wackos. I bet he regrets playing Mike Seaver

    Comment by frigginloon | January 17, 2011 | Reply

    • Without Mike Seaver though, he’d just be another wingnut with a perm. Where’s the glory in that? I miss that chick… you know, the chick.

      Thanks Loon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 17, 2011 | Reply

  12. I’d completely forgotten about the Slacktivist! I remember reading a few of those posts a while back but then lost track of it. I may also have to check out Radosh’s book. The guy seems like he’s managed to both hold onto his faith and keep his shit together. That’s a tough balancing act.

    I’d like to return the favor, Scott. Here’s a link to some great literary criticism which has set its devastating sights on none other than the kingpin/queenpin of “teen paranormal fiction”: the Twilight series.

    http://reasoningwithvampires.tumblr.com/

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | January 17, 2011 | Reply

    • He’s entertaining as hell. I’ve been reading two or three pages of his blog a day since I found it. I am using it as a writing tool. His criticisms of Left Behind have made me go back and look at my own stuff differently. To realize that people want to see the human element much more than the obscure logistics of travel or clothing.

      Rapture Ready really was enlightening to me. I think you’ll love it. I’m going to jump all over your link as well, thanks!

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 17, 2011 | Reply

  13. What are you going to call these alien offspring. that’s presuming the world doesn’t end before the happy day.
    I haven’t read the book and to be honest i dont think i will.
    It sounds very Christiany

    Comment by Artswebshow | January 17, 2011 | Reply

    • I they’re anything like I imagine, probably Master or Sir or AGHH.

      No, as I said above, in the post, the book is from an outsider looking in. Or did you mean Left Behind? That’s a whole bunch of books you don’t have to read either.

      Thanks Artswebshow!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 17, 2011 | Reply

  14. I can’t believe Kirk Cameron has yet to receive an Oscar let alone a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. He does have a hot wife though. Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | January 17, 2011 | Reply

    • I love how they (Fox News?) called him into talk about the dead birds around the world. I’m really not sure who’s crazier.

      Thanks Matt!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 18, 2011 | Reply

  15. I dunno,…did u just somehow call me a dumb bitch??

    Which cold medicine are u on exactly?

    I want me summa that.

    Comment by Candy | January 17, 2011 | Reply

    • I’m pretty sure I didn’t. You weren’t just at the Mercadona in Orgiva were you? I hope not anyway.

      Sudafed. Really, really old and tampered with Sudafed.

      Thanks Candy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 18, 2011 | Reply

  16. Wow! I feel so left behind because I’ve never even HEARD of “Left Behind” – although, I tend to turn a blind eye towards anything “Christian” anyway (I hate hypocrisy more than bunions and my personal experience with the “really good” Christians is that they are mostly hypocrites – my apologies to the non-hypocrites, if you really exist, you know, like Santa Claus.)

    Excellent post – and what makes it so excellent is that I had no idea what you were talking about, yet I thoroughly enjoyed it, anyway! You are hilarious!

    (Note, if you blink really really fast, the ceiling fan will look like it isn’t moving. Don’t ask how I know that.)

    Comment by Desert Rat | January 17, 2011 | Reply

    • I’ve seen them on the shelves but I don’t think I would have read them if I were stuck in a prison cell. That’s changed now that I know how bad they are though. Now, they’re like an Ed Wood movie to me, so bad that they’re good. Since I’m not stuck in a prison cell I’ll stick to the Slacktivist site for the entertainment option.

      Yea, I’m not much for those pesky Christians anymore either. I believe something involving a Jesus/new agey/Buddha/Inigo Montoya type character but it would take at least 4 diseased mushrooms or 1 button on Peyote to get it out of me.

      Thanks DR!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 18, 2011 | Reply

  17. Wow, I hope your alien baby comes soon. Nothing worse than waiting 😉 I will check out the links later.

    Comment by Reb | January 17, 2011 | Reply

    • You’re right; those three month incubations followed by the creature clawing its way out of your stomach will kill you.

      Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 18, 2011 | Reply

  18. Powerful messages being strung about here. The only thing missing is William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy sitting in a desert naked by a fire reading L ron hubbards first book while drinking a bottle of baileys…wondering wether The voyage home didnt take a left turn and was it worth it to feed the chinese kid cause now he likes dick and there worried they might be next…course thate my take on the rapture…along with pam anderson being held captive in my basement promising to have my lovechild and not tell Bob Ritchie…course he thinks he was born free with his hooka and bad henna tatooing….just a thought hope the move goes well..course anyone that moves from the med is out of there mind….so save some tostitos and rice beer i will be right there….zman sends

    Comment by ZMAN | January 18, 2011 | Reply

    • I have to say Z-Man; your imagery was much more powerful than mine. I actually had to get up, grab a coffee and a cold pill to chew on and come back to let this bad boy marinate. I’ve decided that I’m hiring you to write my next psychedelic thriller.

      I’m moving back to Florida though. We’re up in the mountains here where it gets cold at night and nobody believes in central heating. As far as the beaches go, the west coast of Florida is primo.

      Thanks Z-Man!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 18, 2011 | Reply

  19. I am most hurt by willful ignorance and thoroughly relieved that Clark at Slacktivist has taken on this bizarre bestselling load of codswallop.

    If I can barely get through even one of the Harry Potter books, I doubt the post-apocalypse shite has much to offer me. Besides, as a Jew, I’ve had the ‘chosen ones’ complex for ages, so those wannabe biblicals can kiss my kosher ass. Nyah!

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | January 18, 2011 | Reply

    • Society is crushed by willful ignorance and yet there is so much to overcome, so sad.

      Those people love The Magical Jews (their belief system). That’s why they’re against any peace deals in the Middle East. They need Israel in the mother of all wars to bring about Armageddon. You must read both the Slacktivist and Radish’s book.

      Thanks Mitzi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 18, 2011 | Reply

  20. I’d take zombie bite over alien rape any day. Please don’t die. Zombies can blog, too.

    Comment by thoughtsappear | January 18, 2011 | Reply

    • That’s unbelievably prescient of you TA, that may be coming next. For serious!

      Thanks Thoughtsappear!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 19, 2011 | Reply

    • That would be cool!

      (I had to look up “prescient” just to make sure I knew what it meant.)

      Comment by thoughtsappear | January 19, 2011 | Reply

      • Ha! Really though, I’m writing a book/blog ‘by a zombie’ right now.

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 20, 2011 | Reply

  21. I for one, will resist the rapture in any way possible. The reason? Bling. Everybody, but s few people living on Nantucket island, knows you can’t take it with you. So that means all the bling one can handle will be available free of charge just laying around on street corners, crack houses and Jennies place over on Washington Blvd.

    I, for one, plan to take full advantage of it and plan to sell it to people dumber than I, of which there are reportedly more than three. Shipping costs will be waved.

    Comment by jammer5 | January 18, 2011 | Reply

    • I always used to imagine that something like that happened and I was left on earth, with only a handful of funny friends and amazingly attractive women, on an earth filled with goodies. It would be like a walking utopia!

      Between the pharmacies to ransack, the mansions to explore…. NASA! Think about that too, if NASA were empty. I’d finally get to try their zero gravity room! I know they have one.

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 19, 2011 | Reply

  22. I read the Left Behind book. Now I am waiting for the sequel…Right Behind.

    Comment by Bearman | January 19, 2011 | Reply

    • Gay action porn? Good one.

      Thanks Bearman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 19, 2011 | Reply

  23. Holy Crap! I’m so sorry about your affliction. I had the same thing and never considered all the alien causes
    I have to check my vagina for strange marks

    I will spend the rest of the day now singing the Eddie Murphy ice cream song, thanks a lot for that

    Comment by dianne | January 19, 2011 | Reply

    • Yea, it definitely sucks donkey balls. It’s been over two weeks and I still feel shit. They don’t even sell Nyquil here but they do have the thousand milligram Tylenol dissolvey things.

      Let me know how your vagina looks…?

      Thanks Dianne!!

      PS. You aint got no ice…cream

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 20, 2011 | Reply

  24. test

    Comment by bschooled | January 19, 2011 | Reply

  25. Just checking to see if the Sudafed has worn off yet?

    Comment by frigginloon | January 22, 2011 | Reply

    • Getting there Loon, thanks!

      Thanks Loon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 22, 2011 | Reply

  26. Wow. Every written word makes the NY Times bestseller list these days, eh. I love the Buddha, but have to ask. Are those Hanes? You are one funny, funny hombre, Scott. Thanks for the laughs, and go Steelers!

    Comment by DMC | January 23, 2011 | Reply

    • I’m not sure. I’m not worthy enough to get that close to The Buddha. Not yet.

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 24, 2011 | Reply

  27. this is real got to recieve JESUS CRHIST as Lord and savior NOW !

    Comment by dan | February 15, 2011 | Reply

    • Let’s just make the wild assumption that I’m actually cool with JC and the gang; what in the world makes you believe that this weird Left Behind Eschatology is accurate? Can you use your bible to point it out? Please show your work.

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 15, 2011 | Reply


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