Zodi’s Blog

The Love God Says; It’s Ok to be Alone

I know that many of you are sitting out there right now, stewing in self-pity and stained underwear, thinking about how lonely and horny you are. You are probably daydreaming that a short Scientologist is going to come along and claim that you complete him, and that may be true, but only if you have a penis and are good at keeping secrets. All that aside, I’m here to tell you that you don’t need anyone but yourself. Also, please stop watching romantic comedies. First of all, they suck. Secondly, they are nothing but propaganda spit from the vagina of Big Romance; that enigmatic cabal comprised of Hallmark and the Evil Dutch Diamond People.

 

They are the Big Romance Illuminati.

 

 

You are responsible for your own happiness and you don’t need anyone to take care of you. I’ve only recently come to this realization myself. See, even I, your reluctant hero, have been laboring under the false assumption that I needed a woman to take care of me. From the tender age of 15 I went from long term relationship, to hate sex with a few beautiful losers, to that one porno gig, back to long term relationship, without ever giving myself the chance to play the field and have lots of filthy sex with lots of dirty strangers. Although I try not to have any regrets, I really fucking regret that.  

 

Before all you ladies out there go and leave your husbands, quit your jobs and rob a pharmacy to impress me, you should know that I’m not suddenly single. My wife is just visiting her family before we move back. This is the third trip she’s taken in two years and these have been the first times I’ve been alone in my adult life. And I like it!

 

I can do whatever I want whenever I want. If I want to sit with my hand down my pants, fondling my testicles, I can. If I want to watch Ultimate Fighting at 9am, I can. If I want to cook an omelet at 3am, I ca.., actually that’s a lot of work for 3am and I’d be too tired by then anyway, so no omelet, but you get the idea. And actually my wife just ignores what she disapproves of anyway, but it is nice to not have to notice her not noticing me.

  

He went on to marry a hot Columbian. His wife went on to control an outlaw motorcycle gang through sheer will and ‘heart attack guilt.’

   

 

Although I do miss her and her umbrella-like barrier of protection against things that I’d rather not have to do myself, I have learned some invaluable lessons in these challenging times. As a matter of fact, I’m even putting out a survivor guide based on my experiences. It’s called Man vs Stuff You Don’t Want to Do. Here are a few excerpts.

 

-To not have to walk the dogs:

Call them both to the door and throw all their toys as hard as you can towards the downhill side of your street. If your street does not have a downhill side you can substitute this with either a treadmill or a sedative.

-To avoid hassle with the fireplace:

You need a fire in the winter, there’s no getting around that. It stinks to have to use fire starter blocks, newspaper and pansy ass twigs to accomplish this. A fantastic shortcut I’ve found is to add some Ready Light charcoal briquettes to the normal size logs. Now simply pour gasoline and/or lighter fluid on top of everything and Whooosh. For added guy-fun you can sit on the sofa across the room and do the flying match trick where you light and throw the match all in the same fluid motion… do you remember that? Throwing fire at your friends when you were little? I do. It will take longer but it does provide some serious entertainment.

 

-To not have to wash your hair:

Shave your head. It doesn’t look as bad as you might imagine.

I look like this now, only slightly more pensive.

 

-To not have to clean up dog shit on your terrace:

 Simply place a piece of already dirty laundry on top of the shit. If there are numerous piles, you’ll need a blanket. If you run out of your own blankets then you can usually find some cheap ones at the local thrift store or you can borrow them from a sleeping homeless man. Just continue stacking and eventually you’ll end up with a blanket and dog shit lasagna. As a bonus, you now have a soft, bouncy terrace.

 

-To not have to cook or wash dishes:

If you live in a place that doesn’t offer any fast food or if you prefer to just not have to leave the house, eating will present the biggest challenge you’ve faced. After you’ve exhausted your supply of cereal, bread and lunchmeat you’ll have to move on to more complicated dishes. Although you can eat pasta and rice raw (careful of your tummy with the rice) I prefer them slightly softer. Place your pasta in a bucket (don’t use your pee bucket though) and get it as close to the ‘fire wall’ as you can get without suffering third degree burns. After an hour or two the pasta should be a little less crunchy. You can also place all of your canned goods by the fire so that they’ll be anywhere between lukewarm to melted when you need them. Warning- Do NOT attempt to open the can with your teeth because you don’t want to have to walk all the way into the kitchen to retrieve the can opener. You’ll likely end up having to walk all the way to the dentist carrying 3 teeth and spitting blood. Although…codeine!

     

-To not have to do laundry:

Wear your clothes into the shower and follow your routine as you normally would, only without masturbating. Lather up and rinse off and you’ll have a clean body and laundered clothing in no time. Now you just have to sit by your roaring fire and dry off. If you find that it’s taking too long you can try taking your cloths off and turning them inside out before putting them back on. Unless you prefer to sit naked in front of a fireplace that is surprisingly still out of control.  In that case, knock yourself out.

 

If anyone knows a good publisher or agent please let me know.

I’ve done some remodeling.

 

 

Update: Karen, if you are reading this, OHMYGOD please come home. Very bad stuff happened but it wasn’t my fault, I swear to god. Also, my hair and a few teeth disappeared. Again, not my fault. Also the fire department and police want you to call them. Give your folks a kiss from me.

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January 23, 2011 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , ,

61 Comments »

  1. Note to Karen; please bring back his supplies of hallucinogen agents, asap!

    Comment by gallowaygrave | January 23, 2011 | Reply

    • And I was first commentator, yipeeeeeeee

      Comment by gallowaygrave | January 23, 2011 | Reply

      • Indeed you were. You won an honorable mention!

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 24, 2011 | Reply

    • That would beat the hell out of the Harrods’ cup she usually brings me.

      Thanks GG!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 24, 2011 | Reply

  2. Dear Karen

    It’s good to let them see how much they need us
    Well done
    I’ll see you again tonight at the club
    It’s my turn with Enrico

    Dear Scott

    Only kidding, Karen misses you as much as you miss her
    Enrico told me so

    I am sorry we are enemies for today but I will confess that in the past I have been a big Steelers fan

    love ya

    Hope says she has chosen you as her favorite fucked up uncle
    Trust me the competition was fierce

    Comment by dianne | January 23, 2011 | Reply

    • I love that you wrote a letter to Karen. You just made an eternal friend, I think. I hope she has fun with Enrico though, because I’m sure as hell having fun with Rodrigo. (That didn’t come out right.)

      Sorry about your team. That’s just what happens when people come to the burgh…

      I’m honored. I’ve always wanted to be the crazy uncle, thanks!

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 24, 2011 | Reply

  3. You mean your wife left you alone without hiring a geisha to look after you? No wonder you’ve sunk so low.

    Comment by Gorilla Bananas | January 23, 2011 | Reply

    • I don’t think of it so much as sinking so low, I think of it as being happy that I’m not dead yet.

      Thanks GB!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 24, 2011 | Reply

  4. That was hilarious! A book of survival when the wife is gone would be totally nifty. Survivor: Spain would be awesome too.
    But if you get lonely I could wrap The Rodrigo and send him Global Express. Just think about it.
    Iknow you were joking and everything, but you might want to check this out. Literary agents: http://www.ralan.com/a.writing.php

    Comment by Lisa | January 23, 2011 | Reply

    • Maybe I should really do it then. I already did the first 3 pages. How many more could I need to sell it for 10 bucks? Maybe another 37? Throw in a couple half naked chicks, slap a Maxim logo on and Done!

      I’ve been partying with the Rodrigo all weekend, thanks.

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 24, 2011 | Reply

  5. This is something I can take to heart, and also to the bathroom during morning constitutional workouts, and still look myself in the mirror and say, “Damn, you’re still one ugly mother fucker.”

    I’m still waiting on my ship to come in (my dad told me it would, and do dads ever lie? Don’t answer that), so I can buy me one of those Japanese life size dolls, three hole variety. meanwhile, I’m stuck wit reruns of Jersey Shores, so life is good, sorta.

    One of your best, as usual 🙂

    Comment by jammer5 | January 23, 2011 | Reply

    • I’m going to have to do a Love God/Self Esteem post now Jammer. Whoever told you that you were ugly was either lying or couldn’t see past their own bushy eyebrows… I’m guessing.

      I’m all for you purchasing a love doll but what the hell would you need three orifices for? I barely use the one.

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 25, 2011 | Reply

      • Actually, I am one ugly mother fucker. My avatar is me.

        Three holer = variety. Kinda like choosing pizza with anchovies one night, without the next, and tacos on the third.

        Comment by jammer5 | January 25, 2011 | Reply

        • BTW, Dog Shit Lasagna is an excellent name for band. Ya gotta start trademarking these things, bro.

          Comment by jammer5 | January 25, 2011 | Reply

          • Or at least buying the URL’s… Great idea!

            Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 26, 2011 | Reply

        • No matter. Self esteem is all about lying to yourself and putting on a brave face. I’m pretty sure. I never actually studied self-esteem, actually.

          Mmmm, anchovies!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 26, 2011 | Reply

  6. I read this twice–the first time to enjoy the concepts and the second time to appreciate the way you use words. It appears that Zodi’s blog engages my brain on several levels. Should I be scared?

    Comment by Thomas Stazyk | January 23, 2011 | Reply

    • I appreciate that Thomas. It simply means that you are a man of class and refinement who appreciates their humor when it is done with understated subtlety. Which is totally how I write humor, by the way.

      Thanks Thomas!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 25, 2011 | Reply

  7. I think I will wait for a pair of mormon missionaries to knock on my door instead of having the infamous short scientologist.

    Based on your renovations, I’m guessing you are a minimalist, eh?

    Fun post – Thanks Scott

    Comment by Danny | January 23, 2011 | Reply

    • Sorry about that, you were stuck in my spam.

      When the roving preachers come in knocking I usually tie them up, call Zed and bring out The Gimp. They never come back.

      Actually, I am a minimalist. I hate clutter. It makes my ADD a million times worse.

      Thanks Danny!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 25, 2011 | Reply

  8. Go for the agent who represents the author who wrote “The Shit My Dad Says”. Supposed to be quite funny in a rather fucked-up way.

    Today, Uiver has done: hoovering, laundry, fixed an appliance, diagnosed problems in another appliance, washed the dishes, dried and put way dishes.

    I have done: jogging, played Lexulous on facebook, made sandwiches for lunch, put more kitty litter on top of cat poo so I don’t have to clean it yet, laughed at your post.

    I think we have our gender roles a bit confused!

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | January 24, 2011 | Reply

    • I am actually interested in both Shit My Dad Says and Stuff White People Like because they were able to successfully transfer a blog into print. Of course their material was already niched into one market. Whereas I’m all over the fucking place.

      I keep going back and forth with the project I’m working on. Should I write it as a novel and promote it as a blog or should I write it as a blog and follow the leads of the two mentioned above…???

      Thanks Mitzi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 25, 2011 | Reply

  9. Where are the photos of your newly shaved head?

    Comment by nursemyra | January 24, 2011 | Reply

    • I’d look like a cross between Larry David and Michael Stipe. If that’s any indication.

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 25, 2011 | Reply

  10. So when are you coming home??? soon?

    Way to go Steelers!!!!

    Comment by Candy | January 24, 2011 | Reply

  11. I don’t know why women find it odd that we lick to sit watching tv with our hand down our pants. Its comfortable on all levels.

    Comment by Bearman | January 24, 2011 | Reply

    • I wonder if that was a Freudian slip ‘we lick to’? I mean, who would ever leave the house?

      Thanks Bearman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 25, 2011 | Reply

  12. I avoid dishes by using paper plates. Even my animals get served on paper plates. Just chuck them in the in, washing done !

    Comment by frigginloon | January 24, 2011 | Reply

    • “bin”

      Comment by frigginloon | January 24, 2011 | Reply

      • “Laden”

        What? I thought this was a new, more explosive game of Marco Polo.

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 25, 2011 | Reply

    • That’s the best idea that I’ve heard all week.

      Thanks Loon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 25, 2011 | Reply

  13. “Wear your clothes into the shower and follow your routine as you normally would, only without masturbating.” Cracked up at that!
    I am always terrified to leave my husband home alone for any length of time (even now that he’s sober). Because of this I’ve been thinking about opening a “Husband Kennel” franchise. We’ll have concrete runs with lazy-boys and flat screens and a mini-fridge stocked with their beverage of choice. We will slide in food bowls three times a day and they will have no access to power tools or flammable liquids.
    I got the idea when my husband went to rehab and I went to FL. It was the most relaxing vacation I’ve ever had because I knew the house would still be standing when I got home.

    Comment by Amy | January 24, 2011 | Reply

    • A husband kennel is a fantastic idea, you’d be a millionaire. You could make it like a middle aged, male Disneyworld. All the rides could feature Lazy-boys (with rent boys for the Christian preachers) and just pretty much sit in a slowly revolving Hooters. Have a built in toilet so they don’t have to get up and use an intravenous drip for when the big boys start to get rowdy.

      Best. Idea. Ever!

      Thanks Amy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 25, 2011 | Reply

  14. Another good, and very manly, way to get the fire started is to light those charcoal and then take a swig of some good Arkansas Moonshine and then spit on the fire. BOOM! You have a really awesome fire going.

    Comment by Jay | January 24, 2011 | Reply

    • I have a friend that did that with Bacardi 151. He spit it onto a campfire and was, for all intents and purposes, bald and completely (facially) hairless for a couple weeks.

      Hilarious.

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 25, 2011 | Reply

  15. Bald is amazingly freeing!
    You could try toilet training you pets 😉

    Comment by Reb | January 24, 2011 | Reply

    • I’ve wanted to try to train my cat after watching Meet the Parents. The Puppy would be a lot harder.

      Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 25, 2011 | Reply

  16. Ha ha.
    I’m afraid all the publisher dont have wives, so don’t understand these situations.
    But hell, i’d buy a copy just for the sheer entertainment factor. lol

    Comment by Artswebshow | January 25, 2011 | Reply

    • If the publishers don’t have wives then they would, completely, understand these situations.

      I think I’d have more luck selling them as humorous books than as literal, practical guides so you’d smart there.

      Thanks Artswebshow!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 25, 2011 | Reply

  17. “Dog shit lasagna.” Now there’s a phrase that leaves a lingering mental image. It also leaves a mental smell which is something I thought would only happen to stroke victims. Of course, my mind and I never figured we’d run across something so perfectly descriptive.

    Scott, I wish you all the luck during your remaining naked and likely singed single days. It’s amazing how the addition of one person in your life can save you from living in your own filth with one hand down your pants.

    I’m sorry I can’t help you out with your publisher problem. I can’t even get Chris from McSweeney’s to return my calls (thank you, internet phone book, or as I like to call it, “4chan”!) but I would imagine there will be a new paragraph detailing the many reasons not to call Chris regarding your soon to be rejected submissions.

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | January 25, 2011 | Reply

    • I haven’t had a mental smell since the last time I ate too many mushrooms. Even then it was more of a visual kind of smell. It’s lucky that you and your mind get along so well. Mine is constantly arguing and bickering at me, sometimes violently. Just last week. my mind slapped me for watching Jersey Shore.

      You’ll have to lend me his number. (I’ll give it right back.) Maybe if we form a tag team we can beat him into… wait for it…. submission. Seriously though, they just rejected the best piece I’ve ever written. I thought for sure they were going to take that one. I fluctuate between cycles of ‘bombardment’ and ‘never submitting again.’

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 26, 2011 | Reply

  18. How long has your wife been gone? Should I up my stock in Jergens and Kleenex? Just curious. 😉

    Comment by Candice | January 25, 2011 | Reply

    • 7 days, she’ll be back today. But yea, Jergens and Kleenex are recession proof, depression proof even.

      Thanks Candice!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 26, 2011 | Reply

  19. So…What you’re saying is that when your wife is not around you let yourself go to shit. I like it. Cheers Scott!!

    Comment by Matt-Man | January 26, 2011 | Reply

    • I don’t think I allow myself to go to shit as much as shit just, kinda, comes to me.

      Thanks Matt!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 27, 2011 | Reply

  20. HA! I finally find an internet cafe where I can delight in the awesomeness known as “Zodi´s Blog”, and immediately my mind is overwhelmed with visions of you…er, passed out at 3 am without an omelet.

    Does your wife have a brother, by chance?

    Comment by bschooled | January 26, 2011 | Reply

    • It’s an appropriate image at least. I’m glad that you didn’t focus on the inappropriate image of me folding my wet clothes inside out in front of my ‘fireplace and wall’ fire while naked and bleeding beside my pee bucket.

      She has two!

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 27, 2011 | Reply

  21. I love it when I’m home alone, and I totally understand the part of not worrying about “what you do, or don’t do”….while home alone.

    You have to get a publisher for your “man book”, as you would be doing a great service to all those men who have no clue, which is pretty much all of them.

    Comment by trishothinks | January 27, 2011 | Reply

    • You’re right Trish, most men don’t have a clue. I’m lucky because I was raised by a single mother. Even back when I was a wee toddler I was learning how to use a pee bucket and make a cans warm by placing them near open flames.

      It’s great to see you again!

      Thanks Trish!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 29, 2011 | Reply

  22. I love Ultimate Fighting! I may stay in tonight and watch some, fondling my testicles, and then go for a long run tomorrow. Yes, being single has its perks, but I like it better when there’s a pretty girl fondling said testicles . . .

    Comment by Dr. Ken | January 28, 2011 | Reply

    • Is there anything better?

      I admit that I have serious testicle fondle envy for you singly guys. I only get to enjoy singlehood a couple times a year while every day is Christmas for you.

      Thanks Dr. Ken!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 29, 2011 | Reply

      • You must remember the dry spells when you’re single! Yes, I’ve enjoyed the perks (sleeping with different women) of being single since recently becoming single, but there have been considerable gaps in between women of loneliness, despair, and confusion. The grass is always greener, but ultimately the goal is to find a good woman and settle down.

        Comment by Dr. Ken | January 29, 2011 | Reply

        • The problem was, I was never really single for long. My adult life has consisted of 7 long term relationships. I never had much time in between. I never really had the constitution for one night stands. I think I’m too damn Piscesy.

          A fine Doc like you shouldn’t have much trouble finding a good woman!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 30, 2011 | Reply

          • So, you are a serial monogomist, as it were. Well, at least you made time with seven plus women, so that’s good! One night stands aren’t always a good idea. It’s good to have a few to tell some stories, but they’re not that cool in your 30’s.

            Comment by Dr. Ken | January 30, 2011 | Reply

  23. I laughed out loud at least three times. And I think it’s so sweet how much you miss your wife.

    Comment by gazingatnavels | January 29, 2011 | Reply

    • That’s always my aim and it’s great to see you again!

      Thanks Gazingatnavels!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | January 29, 2011 | Reply


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