Zodi’s Blog

Hasta Luego España

I was originally going to put up a real post but then realized how that would have been disingenuous to reality. Because right now, in reality, I’m freaking the fuck out. After three years, it’s finally time to leave the peaceful, quiet village life of Southern Spain and head home. I remember the journey here vividly, arriving in Madrid, seeing all the beautiful women dressed in high fashion, the decadent nightclubs, the five star hotels and amazing restaurants and immediately driving far away from all of that into a tiny village filled with old people and dog shit.

  

But it is cool looking in a disaster movie kind of way.

 

 

We arrived in May of 08 and once we finally found the house we were to be staying in I was surprised in a ‘testing positive for testicular cancer’ kind of way. We’d just come from a beach house we were renting in Florida after we got lucky on a ‘real estate sale.’ When I say ‘real estate sale’ I really mean a crack farming venture that went well in that we grew a lot of crack. And then farmed it. So moving from a beach house into this, this… was not what I was expecting at all. There wasn’t even anywhere to grow my crack.

 

 It was a redone ‘ruin.’ There were walls, mostly, and a ceiling, kinda, but not much else. The windows were wooden and hundreds of years old. There were no screens and dozens of flies circled lazily in the dusty air. The floors were cement. I walked through the empty rooms, shooing flies and half expecting to find a decomposing body or a secret chamber filled with snakes and/or treasures of antiquity. The whole scene had an Indiana Jonesy feel to it. 

 

We eventually put screens in the windows, painted, and did other minor repairs and improvements. Not many, because I’m about as handy as an elderly Jewish grandmother. We managed to make it into our home and grew an inexplicable fondness for Casa de Cadiar. It did manage to keep the psychotic biker clowns out and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo in. Which was important because that chick is violent. Somehow, I also acclimated myself to the rural culture as well as a weirdly awkward loner can become acclimated to anything. I grew to love it here. Surprisingly. Honestly. 

They were my hula hoop drug ring rivals. And they were serious about it.

 

I loved the way that I could walk for 5 minutes in any direction and be out of civilization. Not only would I not have to see people but I couldn’t even see evidence of the existence of humans. After a five minute walk! I loved the pristine, unsoiled air. It was there, up in those mountains, where I found myself. And also found a kickass place to manufacture ecstasy. I loved the way that nobody here asked or cared what I did for a living or what religion I was. Which is great when you’re an ex crack farmer Flying Spaghetti Monstertarian. To them, none of that mattered. They only seemed to judge people by their character. I loved the way that I could jump on a 10 Euro flight to anywhere in Europe and find buyers for my new ecstasy ring. I’d begun loading hula hoops with MDMA as a way to smuggle it by that time. I got to meet a lot of nice people and see amazing places. And there are hardly any cops, anywhere. And if you do run into one they’re usually too drunk or high to bother checking hula hoops for contraband.   

 

 Spain, and especially this small rural village, has fundamentally changed me for the better. I’m no longer materialistic. In fact, now, I could barely give a shit, I’m much more relaxed and at peace than I’ve ever been. I quit drinking and smoking (everything but opium, weed, crack, meth and the pituitary glands of my enemies… I just realized that it would have been easier just to say that I’ve quit smoking tobacco) here amongst the heaviest consumers of sin in all of Europe. Whereas I used to be fidgety, anxious, and always thinking that I had to be doing something, counting flowers on the wall or blood feud initiating, or some other nonsense, now I’m much more relaxed and happy. I would’ve never had the patience to sit through a four hour dinner with friends without stabbing somebody in the hand with a steak knife, but now I can.   

 

All that and we had the privilege of saving animals. I’m like the Mother Teresa for animals because I feel like it partially absolves my other sins, the ones against humanity. I saved kittens and cats and puppies and dogs and a goat. We are bringing two of ‘the pardoned’ back with us so they can try to make a better life for themselves by lying on our couch all day licking their junk. It’s the American Dream.

Tunado, Luca Brasi and The Puppy/Pueblo Escobar/Big Pappy

 

 

And that is going to be the toughest part about this move. Transporting all of these animals. Actually, it’s all going to be hard. I’m not a detail oriented person so traveling is hard for me to begin with. An intercontinental move with three animals may damn well kill me. If an angry and vengeful Flying Spaghetti Monster doesn’t first, I mean.    

 

Even after we make it out the other side of the tarmac, it’s not over. At that point we’ll be balls deep into the badlands of Florida. The last time we lived there I had to defend my homestead from roving bands of pillagers/rapists at least once a month. I used to use their hollowed out skulls, tastefully under-lit with those Chinesy lights, to frame my lawn. I went through a minor Colonel Kurtz phase that was, frankly, horrifying. Those skulls deterred everybody but the Jehovah’s Witnesses. Those people are fucking hardcore. Florida is no joke and now I’ve grown all soft and feeble minded. I just saw that there’s a dealership giving out AK-47’s with each pickup truck sold and I wonder what they’ll give me if I buy a Saturn wagon. Probably a utility knife. Maybe even a tire iron but it’ll be bendy and made in Korea. Sorry, I’m rambling so much; it’s indicative of my state of mind right now. I think I got some hula hoop in my coffee.   

 

 

Buy now and get a free confederate flag!

 

 

We rented a one bedroom apartment month to month until we can figure out where to go and what to do next. I’m hoping to be able to jump right back into crack farming but I hear that all the good drug addicts switched to meth and I can’t grow meth for shit. I tried. So I might have to actually get a real job until somebody decides to pay me for incoherent, stream of consciousness, drug-fueled ramblings. Maybe they’ll pay me in meth so I can plant some more and try again. Hopefully this time it’ll yield a successful crop. I assume meth works like potatoes.

 

I may not have internet for a week or two but when I come back I’m sure I’ll at least have something to talk about.

 

PS- You know I suck at farming.

PPS- Do any of you know if I could bring six hula hoops as one Carry On?

PPPS- Can customs dogs smell ecstasy?

PPPPS- Do government people read blogs?

PPPPPS- shit.

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February 20, 2011 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , ,

50 Comments »

  1. Lat me be the first to wish you well on this epic; and PPPPS, yes…………

    Comment by Dave Hambidge | February 20, 2011 | Reply

    • I need all the luck I can get for this Homer-esque journey.

      Thanks Dave!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 21, 2011 | Reply

  2. Happy trails and hula hoops.
    You must be “whack” with all of the preparations and animal crates.
    Wait till you get into a one bedroom apt. in St Pete, that’ll be calming and serene I’m sure.

    Comment by Micky-T | February 20, 2011 | Reply

    • The animal crates are the hardest part because they are all so freaking big. I’m hoping that the apartment on the beach is only a one-month deal.

      Thanks Micky!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 21, 2011 | Reply

  3. Put your estacy inside your dog. When the customs dogs come sniffing, they will just think she is in heat.

    Comment by Bearman | February 20, 2011 | Reply

    • You know, that’s one of the best ideas I’ve heard, maybe ever. You may have just revolutionized the drug mule/dog business!

      Thanks Bearman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 21, 2011 | Reply

  4. government people can’t read so relax

    your wife could try telling the baggage people that the hula hoops are contraceptive rings, think of them thinking of giant vaginas!!
    it’ll help

    being a Jewish grandmother I have to say that we are very handy at guilting others into doing our repairs

    I have all these disjointed thoughts because I’m so fucking excited that you will soon be right down the coast from me
    that’s so awesome

    you’ll make it
    think of all the pioneers who came before you

    I adore the animals especially Pappy
    what a face

    Comment by dianne | February 20, 2011 | Reply

    • You know, I thought of you when I wrote that analogy and I realized then that most Jewish Grandmothers are a lot handier than I am. And if not, you have the whole guilt thing. I, personally, am good at manipulation, and that’s about the only way I get anything done…getting other people to do stuff for me.

      Great, now I’ll be thinking of giant vaginas the whole time I’m trying to clear customs. I’m trying NOT to sweat here…

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 21, 2011 | Reply

  5. You life sounds like a version of Butch Cassidy and the Sandance kid where they settle down happily in the farm in Bolivia and return to America as laid-back hombres. Best of luck in Florida, I hope you find a job looking after the alligators.

    Comment by Gorilla Bananas | February 20, 2011 | Reply

    • My life so far has seemed to be an amalgamation of a lot of Hollywood’s best, only without all the neat tie-ins and celebrity cameos.

      I’d actually love to retire to Bolivia; I hear the have the best marching powder and snort to the beat of their own drug lord.

      Thanks Gorilla Bananas!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 21, 2011 | Reply

  6. Two dogs, one cat, six conspiculously heavy hula hoops . . . I don’t see what could possibly go wrong. Safe travels! I’ll be watching the news for you.

    Comment by Amy | February 20, 2011 | Reply

    • *conspicuously
      No idea how that “l” got in there. Hmmm, you should be saying something similar to customs in a few days . . .

      Comment by Amy | February 21, 2011 | Reply

      • Another winning quip! And it’s true, I have no idea how ‘that’ got in there.

        Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 21, 2011 | Reply

    • Ha, great comment! That is exactly what I keep telling my wife. I think you should tell her that there is nothing to worry about.

      Thanks Amy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 21, 2011 | Reply

  7. You know… that saguaro in the background makes me think the clowns are in, um, Arizona, or possibly northern Mexico, since that’s pretty much the only place on the planet they grow (saguaros, not clowns).

    I’ve already got a decent stash of clownage as I’m preparing for this year’s Halloween Theme Party, “Killer Clowns from Outer Space.” I mean, it’s never to early to plan ahead… so, how can I get in on the hula-hoop action? We can take the rival clowns down! [imagine fist pump and a “hyah!”]

    Now, I have visions of rubber bands, paper clips, AND hula hoops!

    Travel safe and we’ll see you on the “other side!”

    Comment by Desert Rat | February 20, 2011 | Reply

    • You have a great eye as well as having a great everything else! You’re totally right. I went to google images and searched something like, ‘roving bands of evil’ and just had to go with the clowns once I saw them. I mean, freaking clowns!

      I might have to come to this party of yours, it sounds like fun. I hope you’re stacking up on colored paper clips, rubber bands, satin and plastic sheets and I’ll bring the hula hoops!

      Thanks Dessert Rat!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 21, 2011 | Reply

  8. All the best and congratulations on a successful stay in Espanol. I look forward to continuing to follow your adventures!

    Comment by Thomas Stazyk | February 20, 2011 | Reply

    • Thank you! I consider these three years successful because I changed my life for the better and figured out what I want to do with the rest of my life as well.

      Thanks Thomas!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 21, 2011 | Reply

  9. Well….least you know that you will still have a strong clientele in the U.S ..what with all the crack smoking halo playing porn magazine reading temple attending old people in Fla, your business is sure to skyrocket. All the best on your move, I would give anything to have the stones to belly up the bar and move out of this here america…you havent missed anything…we have a speaker of the house that cries all the time…a president that has more frequent flier vacation miles then pablo escobars nephew. And sports on every channel ..gotta keep the young uns occupied we all know they cant read yet anyway…..Stewie for President…..Zman sends

    Comment by zmanowner | February 20, 2011 | Reply

    • That’s the one nice thing about the stuffed hula hoop business; its appeal is damn near universal. Young, poor, rich, old, whit, black… they all want the hula hoops.

      That’s awesome that you said that. If you’re willing to put your faith in a talking baby that only a dog can hear then you are someone I know I can trust for life. You’ll have to visit me in Florida!

      Thanks Z-Man!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 21, 2011 | Reply

  10. Well at least the language spoken by the people is the same in both places. That will help make the move a little easier.

    Good luck!

    Comment by Jay | February 20, 2011 | Reply

    • That’s true Jay. I can speak “American Spanish’ better than Spanish Spanish though. Their dialect is too peasanty.

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 21, 2011 | Reply

  11. Tunado the orange cat is a beauty. The image of you relaxed at a four hour dinner and not stabbing anyone is reassuring. I hope that the first part of this post (first encounter of the ‘dog shit’ village and Indiana Jonesy home will become the first chapter of your travelogue. It’s so intriguing. …not sure, but did the Flying Spaghetti Monster travel to you from Kyknood’s blog? :>

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | February 21, 2011 | Reply

    • Thanks, we saved him from a tied up garbage bag in a dumpster. Two of his brothers were already dead but we were able to bring him back to health. That’s why he’s Tunado.

      It’ll be the second chapter. The first one is detailing my ill-conceived preparations.

      No, it’s a satire site on Christianity and Creationialism. It’s hilarious, actually… http://www.venganza.org/

      Thanks Mitzi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 21, 2011 | Reply

  12. Good luck with the move. Did the vet happen to give your animals some tranqs for the move? If so, you might want to snag a few for yourself. 😉

    Comment by Candice | February 21, 2011 | Reply

    • Thanks! No, we aren’t allowed to drug them at all. They need to be alert for their own safety; in case they get knocked around. Also, I guess it’s dangerous with their blood pressure and all.

      I do have some valium for me though. I plan to use it!

      Thanks Candice!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 21, 2011 | Reply

  13. One of the reasons we moved from Florida was b/c crime was increasing. But it was an amazing place that I almost wish we hadn’t left. It may have been for the best though.

    I smiled and giggled throughout this post,could be the hashish, but could be because you’re funny as hell.
    It must be hard to leave and I’d get all weepy if I were you, though the excitement of being in the thick of things might be refreshing too.
    I once looked at my sitemeter and someone from the US Treasury had passed through.

    I hope you, the wife, the dogs, and the cat all have a safe and pleasant trip home and that y’all are happy and prosperous here.
    I’m going to miss you while you’re gone. Hopefully you can steal some wi-fi at your new apt and we’ll see you sooner.

    Vaya con dios!

    Comment by Lisa | February 21, 2011 | Reply

    • That’s one of the things I love about it though. It’s like the new Wild West only it’s east instead of west and there are crack dealers and stupid criminals and astronauts in diapers instead of cowboys. Other than that though, it’s the same.

      I appreciate all of the well wishes Lisa, hopefully all goes smoothly. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to tap into some wifi as well. I shouldn’t be gone more than a week or two anyway.

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 21, 2011 | Reply

  14. I’m sad that you’re leaving (mostly because I never got to go to that crazy festival over there), but I’m glad you’ll be in a closer time zone. As soon as you get settled in, let me know. We need to chat…

    Comment by bschooled | February 21, 2011 | Reply

    • I wish you could have visited me here as well. You’ll just have to make it up by visiting me in Florida. It’ll be much easier to talk. I’ve been waiting to bounce things off you for months now, can’t wait!

      Thanks B!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 21, 2011 | Reply

  15. It should be the constitutional right if any man to grow furry crack

    Comment by Artswebshow | February 21, 2011 | Reply

  16. I hope you have safe travel and find a new home quickly. I think a few zip ties around the hoola hoops should make them into one carry on 😉

    Comment by Reb | February 21, 2011 | Reply

    • I just bought zip ties today too. That’s great advice.

      Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 22, 2011 | Reply

  17. Yes, Scott. The government reads blogs. They read pretty much everything thanks to roving wiretaps and fun stuff like that. It also keeps them from getting any real work done, which is par for the course.

    While I’m sure that you’ll miss your small town existence, I’m sure you’re thrilled to be back to the dog-eat-dog world of hula hoop sales. Since you’ve been gone, the supply has kind of dried up. I think the last person I saw with one was a neck-bearded hipster shoving his ironic enjoyment of a staid fad item into everyone’s face. Needless to say we beat him up, rescued the precious MDMA and sold it down at the elementary school.

    Sigh. Kids grow up so fast these days. And they’re mouthy little fuckers. I was hassled constantly about purity issues. I told them “You sound like a bunch of pre-nup agreements. Fuck off or I’ll cut off your birth control.”

    Still, I’m glad they folded the 6th graders into the junior/senior high school. It means I no longer have to visit three schools during my rounds. Less gas. Less time. Save the planet, dawg!

    Some things will still be the same. Your cable guy will still show whenever the hell he wants, most likely drunk and confrontational and take however much time he feels is necessary to plug tab A into slot B and make the single phone call necessary to get you connected.

    You’ll be in a warm climate so you should still have plenty of open markets to buy food and whatnot at. Organic fruit and bootleg DVDs. Just like in the Old Country.

    You will have to immerse yourself in our vapid culture though. Lady Gaga’s big right now. New Kids on the Block big. There’s some sort of Tea Party thing going. It’s mostly all talk and no action, like a Merchant-Ivory production. I think blogging’s dead based on what I’ve read. But supposedly so is the music industry and I still keep hearing stuff about that.

    See you on the other side, Scott. (Meaning this side of the other side. Which you will no longer be on. Um. Welcome back. ?)

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | February 22, 2011 | Reply

    • Since I don’t have the time or the mental acuity to give this comment the response it deserves I will honestly tell you this;;;

      This is the single best, funniest comment that I’ve ever gotten in almost two years of blogging. You are free to go back and search but you’ll never find a better, or even equal, one.

      You, my friend, have earned yourself a free hula hoop. Just as soon as we clear customs….

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | February 22, 2011 | Reply

      • I agree, Scott. Following Cap’s comment is like following Jacob Lusk during Hollywood week. It’s not that I don’t want to try…it’s just that I can’t (and you can most definitely blame the hula hoops). You moving back to Florida is bringing back a rush of memories (sort of like those hula hoop rushes): brandishing weapons to drivers that piss you off and getting away with it, fried plantains, iron bars on all your windows (mine were fancy as hell), constantly feeling like a minority because I spoke English, beer home delivery, E home delivery, and even those pesky Amazon palmetto bugs. Damn, I miss Florida. Had my best times there. Hope it treats you well my friend. I have a feeling you are in your element.

        Comment by elizabeth3hersh | February 23, 2011 | Reply

        • See? I can’t follow this exceptional comment either. And not only because I haven’t used the writing side of my brain (the right?) for close to a month.

          Although I’ll no longer have access to the potent, sometimes pure, ‘hula hoop stuffing’ I can still get my rushes from adrenaline and/or crack. So it kind of balances out.

          It sounds like you really need to come and visit me, and not just because I want what’s in your suitcase.

          Thanks Elizabeth!!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 12, 2011 | Reply

  18. Do you have to dry roast those pituitary glands before you smoke ’em?

    Comment by nursemyra | February 23, 2011 | Reply

    • You don’t have to but they wouldn’t be as crunchy/delicious.

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 12, 2011 | Reply

  19. I hope one of the two animals you’ll be taking with you is the dachshund? I melt every time I see a weiner dog 😉

    Comment by gazingatnavels | February 24, 2011 | Reply

    • Of course. He’s the only one we came with. He’s the only one who got to fly in the cabin. So, melt away!

      Thanks Gazingatnavels!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 12, 2011 | Reply

  20. I know you are, right now, on your way to us and to US and it just makes me so happy
    welcome back sugar

    Comment by dianne | February 26, 2011 | Reply

    • And now I’m back! I’m back on here Sunday so I’m ‘really’ back baby!

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 12, 2011 | Reply

  21. Sounds like an awesome trip with rural Spain and contraband and sangria and crazy sex and . . . . .

    I got to get to Europe.

    Comment by Dr. Ken | March 1, 2011 | Reply

    • You’d love it. It’s not at all uncommon for the bars to be packed at 7:00 or for elderly men to stand on the street and smoke week. It’s consciousness raising for sure!

      Thanks Dr. Ken!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 12, 2011 | Reply

  22. Sweet Mother of Gawd, I’ve been cruising on the down low too long and now you may be stateside already, and need weapons. Reach out to me, my brother; and it will be like that scene in “Taxi Driver”, when Dinero bought some major artillery in a little hotel room . . . I will arm you to the teeth. Florida has grown beyond evil.

    Comment by DMC | March 1, 2011 | Reply

    • Yea baby I’m back! I’ma need some heavy artillery, a start-up bird on front street and a good Bruce Cutler type on retainer. You got me?

      I haven’t figured out if it’s more evil but it continues to get stupider. (I think it’s all the meth in the ground.)

      Thanks Dan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 12, 2011 | Reply

  23. […] The roving bands of pillagers/rapists are no longer a problem since they’ve all turned obese. Now, when I hear their heavy footed, gaspy approach I just throw country fried donut skin in the other direction and by the time they remember to come back and resume their pillage/rape they’re usually too tired or heart attacky. […]

    Pingback by It’s Good, Almost Too Good « Zodi’s Blog | March 13, 2011 | Reply

  24. […] It’s like a hula hoop full of crack vials! (Scott knows what I’m talking about…) […]

    Pingback by Sonic Collision 4 « Fancy Plans… and Pants to Match | April 17, 2011 | Reply


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