Zodi’s Blog

It’s Good, Almost Too Good

When I was 8 or 9 years old my mom was exceedingly nice to me for an entire day and I never quite got to the bottom of it. I think it was a Saturday and the first thing we did after cereal/cartoon time was to go to Kmart (definitely Kmart) where she allowed me to pick out some toys. After that she took me grocery shopping with her and a good 25% of what I put in the cart, stayed in the cart, and that was a first. Then she took me home and cooked me dinner. This would have been extravagant to begin with but the meal was something I remember thinking was too good to be true. Probably something with peanut butter and fried fish or hamburger on cookies, caffeinated, sugar infused, melted ice cream to drink- and at this point I knew something must be up.

  

This kind of thing isn’t nearly as appetizing as it used to be. Maybe I’m just not high enough yet?

 

 This kind of aberrational behavior went on in this unprecedented way well into the evening as I steadily grew more leery and disquieted by every loving gesture. At ten when she noticed that I seemed to be enjoying whatever I was watching, she brought me a blanket and a snack and told me that I could stay up and watch Saturday Night Live if I wanted. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and voiced my concern that there seemed to be a game afoot and that she likely was working on a nefarious plan to kill me or otherwise destroy me. Was this PB & J that she handed me laced with razor blades made out of cyanide and dragon teeth? Was she planning to sell me into Russian slavery, she knew that I was terrified of the Russians. Was she about to announce her engagement to that douche-juice, the one with the shiny eyes and the personal relationship with Jesus that he HAD to tell you about? No? Holy Christ, there is a God. Then what childhood annihilating travesty was she about to unleash upon my fragile life?

 

She tried to reassure me by giving an Oscar worthy performance by getting all teary eyed, in that young mother kind of way and asking ‘if I was out of my fucking mind’ but I didn’t buy it. She quickly shook it off like an aggravated goose coming down from a goose fight adrenaline high and we got past it. Especially since I fucking won by calling her out before she could carry out her evil plans.

 

Well, it’s happening again.

I’m rooting for Morgan Freeman being the God-like being in this production.

 

The Universe, or God, or maybe Jerry Bruckenheimer, whoever’s in charge of this thing, is being way too nice to me. Every. Single. Thing. Is. Perfect. The whole move: Cadiar>Madrid>Miami>St. Pete Beach went smoothly. No lost luggage, no shit covered animals- even after 15 hours in a cage, no hula hoop inspections by customs or their infuriatingly accurate dogs, no cavity searches, no arrests, not even any international incidents. That’s a first for me. I’ve moved and traveled for most of my adult life and this one was easier than a transfer from state to federal prison. Even the food was better. And there was a lot less prison bitch making. Which is good because as entertaining as it sounds to witness a prison bitch making, or PBM, it usually just makes you feel kinda uncomfortable, awkward even.

 

The first things that got me suspicious were the people. Everyone’s all, “have a great day now, sweetie!” while being all smiley and flirty and helpful. There are more scantily clad beach beauties than I remembered. My neck actually hurts from whipping it from side to side while driving. Also from where I got punched by a surprising accurate right hook thrown by a surprisingly fast fisted wife.

All that without one situation! Or Snooki, for that matter.

 

The roving bands of pillagers/rapists are no longer a problem since they’ve all turned obese. Now, when I hear their heavy footed, gaspy approach I just throw country fried donut skin in the other direction and by the time they remember to come back and resume their pillage/rape they’re usually too tired or heart attacky.

 

The apartment we rented was much nicer than I’d expected and even offers a water view. The kindly downstairs neighbor doesn’t even sell meth (yet) but she seems pliable should I ever get my meth farm off the ground. Right now the shit I planted is just kind of lying there. The apartment is actually clean and nice and I’m thinking about just staying here for a year. There are two beach bar/restaurants within crack rock throwing distance and they have live bands or music playing every night but it’s not too loud and only seems to add to the beachy ambiance. Besides, it’ll be good cover if I ever have to use a chainsaw on somebody in a bathtub.

The roving bands of pillagers/rapists are just off screen. Eating.

 

One of our surprisingly loyal, unusually helpful friends was able to lend us a perfectly healthy car and there weren’t even any dead vagrants in the trunk until I’d had it for a weekend.

 

Everything is, so far, absolutely perfect and that scares the shit out of me. What’s the plan here? Is my penis going to start dripping Ebola? Am I about to get caught up in a zombie apocalypse? I wonder if the zombies will  fall for the country fried donut skin trick?

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March 13, 2011 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , ,

47 Comments »

  1. Anytime things are going well, I’m sure something terrible will happen too. But maybe you’re due good karma for being nice to people and rescuing animals and shit. Morgan sees everything. But then, I tend to believe everything has a way of working out too, so there you are. Remember, waiting for the other shoe to drop is more often just in your head. So glad you’re back!

    Comment by Lisa | March 13, 2011 | Reply

    • Don’t worry, I already have my next blog written and…. you’ll see all the shit that does, indeed, happen. Things did end up working out but there were some shitty tribulations.

      BTW, the other shoe didn’t drop, a middle eastern teenager threw it at my head.

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 13, 2011 | Reply

  2. Hello Bloggy Man! The elderly monied female wife made for to kick me out. Lisa kicks me out also. I now is staying with the Rush Limbaugh and his female wife in Palm Beach. I have much for fear here. Please takes me back, Bloggy Man. I misses you.
    ~The Rodrigo

    Comment by Lisa | March 13, 2011 | Reply

    • I miss you too little buddy. I’ll tell you what; if you bring me everything in Limbaugh’s medicine cabinet then we’ll have a nice, long conversation about sleeping arrangements.

      Thanks Rodrigo!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 13, 2011 | Reply

  3. Scott-

    I’m sorry to hear about your pleasant, uneventful trip and painless transition. This sort of uneventful existence does not bode well for your future writing career or even the world itself.

    If there is some sort of “irrational exuberance” in the karmasphere (go ahead and use that whenever), I’m sure it will soon “revert to the mean” and beach itself on the shores of your dreams.

    However, it has been proven time and time again that writers without pain in their lives outlive their usefulness, jettisoning their authorial duties to underpaid co-authors/interns for the final 30 or so books of their careers, freeing them up to count their vast sums of money while bloggers poke at them with dull, typewritten sticks. You don’t really want that sort of thing to happen, do you?

    No, it is far better that we suffer for our obscenity-laden art while drinking/drugging/killing ourselves into an early grave. That’s what reclusive and insane (but highly respected, if only by a cadre of under-developed iconoclastic first year Lit students) writers do.

    By the way, you never told us what your mom was planning to do with all her shady “niceness.” She wasn’t trying to marry that scraggly drifter from the future that bore an unlikely resemblance to her son, was she?

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | March 13, 2011 | Reply

    • Hmm, I hear what you’re saying, and while I love the way you say it, I’m going to have to do something drastic to rectify this non-situation. Maybe I’ll start up a crippling grappling addiction with the MMA elite. Or perhaps I’ll experiment with new and untested psychedelics… or maybe just lick some poison dart frogs in Costa Rica and snort some fabric de-stainer.

      Not only am I going to use Karmasphere, I’m thinking of patenting it and putting it on a t-shirt. Maybe get Sheen to spit it out between shots of bourbon and nose blood three or four times to guarantee consumer recognition, so thanks. I’ll pay you back by reimbursing your Karmasphere account.

      Your comments are unworldly badasstastic CLT, they deserve their own blog or something!

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 14, 2011 | Reply

  4. just enjoy it all!!
    it won’t last, it never does
    the heavy footed ones will eventually show their ways
    beware of the heavy stench of Ben Gay ointment, it’s how they get you

    love the photo of the happy pup 🙂

    welcome home sugar

    Comment by dianne | March 13, 2011 | Reply

    • I did enjoy it while it lasted Dianne, and it was magnificent. While it lasted. Which it didn’t for long. But now it’s back so I’m enjoying it again. While it lasts.

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 14, 2011 | Reply

  5. The Universe/Morgan Freeman is craftier than any single mother with an agenda could ever dream to be. You are right not to trust it. Doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy it a little bit, though. Not too much, cause that’s just stupid.
    And, zombies won’t look twice at fried donut skin (a cop zombie may pause for a second). You better keep a hobbled hobo handy (say that three times fast) to toss at them. I know this cause, apparently, I’m an expert on zombies now.

    Comment by Amy | March 13, 2011 | Reply

    • I like how Morgan Freeman and The Universe have developed into one, smooth voiced, omnipresent catch all. That right there tells me that everything is as it should be.

      I also love the idea of having hobos, tramps and vagabonds on hand for sacrificial purposes. Now, I know that I’ve moved to the right state.

      Thanks Amy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 14, 2011 | Reply

  6. Welcome back………you’ve just entered…

    The Twilight Zone!

    Comment by Micky-T | March 13, 2011 | Reply

    • That is so true Micky. I found a small bag of weed in the airport parking lot when we arrived.. God love Florida!

      Thanks Micky!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 14, 2011 | Reply

      • Don’t you LOVE when that happens?

        Comment by Micky-T | March 14, 2011 | Reply

        • Now I’m trying to make other bags of ‘stuff’ poof into existance!

          Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 14, 2011 | Reply

  7. Your good karma is kissing you on the butt, my fried. But are you gainfully employed?

    Comment by Gorilla Bananas | March 13, 2011 | Reply

    • I’d rather be kissed elsewhere but I’ll take it.

      No, not yet. Not even close.

      Thanks GB!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 14, 2011 | Reply

  8. I was getting all wistful and reminiscent about my old stomping grounds (Miami Beach and Sarasota): pleasantly toasty heat rays, sandy beaches, and azure skies…redolent of Budweiser, coconut infused sun block and clam shacks, then recalled that it will be no time at all before body parts start washing up on the beach as Red Tide rolls while getting impaled by abandoned hypodermics, and let’s not forget those pesky Palmetto bugs and menacing men bearing the Hillsborough County S.W.A.T. Team insignia. Just wait, Scott. This welcome back honeymoon will soon be over. Damn, you brought back some good memories.

    Comment by elizabeth3hersh | March 13, 2011 | Reply

    • All kidding aside Elizabeth you have to come and visit me here. And I’m not just saying that because I covet your pharmaceutical filled travel bags, I’m saying that because I covet your conversation and company while we are both nodding/tweaking. And don’t worry; Pinellas County has a shitty S.W.A.T. Team compared to Hillsborough, they tend to just kill the hostages.

      Thanks Elizabeth!! And please come…

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 14, 2011 | Reply

  9. Boy are you in for a good hiding from someone, somewhere, sometime… or has your karma changed for ever?

    Comment by Dave Hambidge | March 13, 2011 | Reply

    • While I did have a few setbacks, there’s no getting around the fact that I am an inherently, unbelievable, lucky son-ofa-bitch.

      Thanks Dave!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 14, 2011 | Reply

  10. Glad it’s all going well–it will only get better!

    Comment by Thomas Stazyk | March 13, 2011 | Reply

    • It does seem to be doing just that!

      Thanks Thomas!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 14, 2011 | Reply

  11. It’s all been a dream Scott. Any moment you’re going to wake up and realise it’s TODAY that you’re going to attempt to fly from Spain to the USA with caged animals and a fast fisted wife.

    Comment by nursemyra | March 13, 2011 | Reply

    • I’ve had just those kinds of crazy, long running dreams too. But no, thankfully, it’s all over and it’s now time to soak up the sun and stupid!

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 14, 2011 | Reply

  12. I would tell you to just relax and enjoy it, but that’s just when things go bad. So, enjoy how things are going, but stay vigilant and don’t get too comfy.

    Also, looking forward to beach and bikini pics. The beach babes in bikinis, not you. Nothing personal. hah 😉

    Comment by Jay | March 13, 2011 | Reply

    • What do you mean? I have a few upcoming pics of me all oiled up and hairless in nothing but a lime green banana hammock!

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 15, 2011 | Reply

  13. All this smooth sailing is quite a gift from the gods of happenstance. I bet if you rode your bicycle along the water-front esplanade, you would not even get a flat tyre! My suspicion is that you had this coming to you for saving all those animals.

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | March 13, 2011 | Reply

    • Ha! Love the old english. Almost as good as Old English malt liquer.

      I think I’m also due to hit the lottery… big.

      Thanks Mitzi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 15, 2011 | Reply

  14. “My neck actually hurts from whipping it from side to side while driving.”

    My roommate right after college went to Florida with me on a business trip (hey free hotel) My buddy did the same thing you do, and my coworkers nicknamed him “Snap” because of the sound of his neck whipping back and forth.

    Comment by Bearman | March 13, 2011 | Reply

    • Snap is a great nickname. I could dig it for my temper as well.

      We only have a month left before spring break ends and it’s all white knee socks and plastic shoes.

      Thanks Bearman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 15, 2011 | Reply

  15. Wow, I’d keep a close eye out for whatever is coming! Glad you have made it back on-line and are settling in to your new place.

    Comment by Reb | March 14, 2011 | Reply

    • It came, but luckily I caught it and made it leave again.

      Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 15, 2011 | Reply

  16. So it’s YOUR fault the shit just hit the fan in Japan? Now I get it. You tipped the karma scale, you ahole!

    Enjoy the good life. You deserve it!

    Comment by Candice | March 14, 2011 | Reply

    • Wow, now that you mention it…shit! And the New Zealand quake happened on my bday.. so.. shit!

      Thanks Candice!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 15, 2011 | Reply

  17. You got all this great luck going your way, so I say enjoy it; don’t wait for the shoe to fall, or whatever that expression is.

    As for that day when you were a kid, I’m guessing your mom was buttering you up before telling you that you’re adopted, but she kept putting it off until you fell asleep during SNL, and then she never got around ot it.

    Comment by Dr. Ken | March 14, 2011 | Reply

    • It’s quite possible, it would explain many things. Like why I have a black man’s athleticism while having an Irish woman’s penis.

      Thanks Dr. Ken!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 15, 2011 | Reply

  18. Be prepared for attack at any moment! Sounds like the ninjas’ plan to get you to relax and let your guard down is working perfectly.

    Comment by The Good Greatsby | March 14, 2011 | Reply

    • Do you know how I know that I’m being stalked by ninjas all the time? Because I can’t freaking see them.

      That’s how they get you!

      Thanks Good Greatsby!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 15, 2011 | Reply

  19. I’m glad things are going well for you! I hope it stays that way.

    If you’ll excuse me, I need to check my PB&J for razors now.

    Comment by thoughtsappear | March 14, 2011 | Reply

    • I love that you also love you some PB&J. That means that you’re down.

      Thanks Thoughtsappear!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 15, 2011 | Reply

  20. Hooray! You’re back! I’m so GLAD things are going great for you! It’s pretty good here, too, and I’m always sorta edgy waiting for the other (really big) shoe to drop! Or, at the very least, a large bird is gonna crap on my car which will inevitably result in a broken windshield – seriously – it’s happened to me before. (My insurance company was like, “WTF?! Where did the accident happen? Uh, in the driveway. The car was parked. No, really, I wasn’t at fault. The cop refused to issue a citation to the pigeon – bastard!”)

    Comment by Desert Rat | March 14, 2011 | Reply

    • When I was 17 I did the highest bungee jump in the US in Wildwood NJ. All of my friends were too chicken shit. As I was strutting away with my chest out and my head held high a flock of seagulls took a shit enmass on me.

      Yep.

      Thanks Desert Rat!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 15, 2011 | Reply

  21. Your car will probably break down a mile from you house and in the walk home you’ll fall down a drainpipe and a giant rat will knaw off your leg. or something like that. lol

    Comment by Artswebshow | March 15, 2011 | Reply

    • You were damn close with the drainpipe thing, actually.

      Thanks Artswebshow!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 15, 2011 | Reply

  22. OMG Scott, just remember, for every nice thing going on at the moment, karma is collecting an equally big pile of shit. Make sure you don’t own a big fan 😦

    Psst Winning comes with a price (nice sweater!)

    Comment by frigginloon | March 18, 2011 | Reply

    • Wait till you read my next one!

      Thanks Loon!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 20, 2011 | Reply

  23. […] Choice and told him to just kill me instead before realizing that wasn’t up to him and asking Morgan Freeman instead. I assume that our vet, Steve Sanders, was trying to punish us for having exciting lives […]

    Pingback by Bad Juju « Zodi’s Blog | March 20, 2011 | Reply


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