Zodi’s Blog

Bad Juju

I must have jinxed myself and invited bad juju with my last post. I should have known better than to tempt the creative yet evil brain of Jerry Bruckenheimer. Since last week I’ve been hit by a literal shit storm. Before you people get all judgey- yes, I know what literal means. I was literally hit with human shit flying through the air. But I’ll get to that in a minute.

 

Thursday night, the night before Karen was to start her new job, we took the dogs to the vet. All we had to do was have papers signed off that they could be in the country. While talking to the vet we brought up the fact that we found a small lump in Luca Brasi’s abdomen last year and that the Spanish vet told us that it was fatty tissue. After *probably* blocking out the mental picture of Kirstie Alley’s extra vagina skin, our all American vet, while emoting perfect condescension for Spanish vets and all fools who would trust them, told us that he needed to check for himself.  

.

I’m sure that Kirstie’s extra vagina skin is quite lovely.

 

  

After taking an ex-ray and finding a tumor the size of a baseball, Luke was going to need emergency surgery. He explained, in far too much detail, the risks involved in operating on a nine year old dog as well as the 50-50 chance that he’d have to call during surgery to tell us that the dog was riddled with cancer and ask us to put him down right there and then on the operating table. My wife went all Sophie’s Choice and told him to just kill me instead before realizing that wasn’t up to him and asking Morgan Freeman instead. I assume that our vet, Steve Sanders, was trying to punish us for having exciting lives in Spain while he hasn’t done anything since gradating from that stupid high school. I’ve constantly tried to reassure him by praising him for banging Kelly and getting Dylan off the drugs, but he just looks at me like, “I’m a veterinarian, not a fictional character from a teenage soap opera” but doesn’t say it because he’s too embarrassed and I’m all like, “Dude, have you done anything, like, AT ALL, since then?” but I don’t say it because I’m too embarrassed for him.

A perm? Good. A permed mullet? Better!

 

The surgery went well and Luca wasn’t riddled with cancer. Luckily Steve Sanders can cut up animals better than he can act. He got out the tumor and had to take out Bubbalou’s spleen as well. Unfortunately they didn’t save it for me. I would have liked to put it in a jar as a warning to other tumors of what happens when they threaten my family. Because that would be hardcore. Like, “See your cousin? He’s in a fucking jar on my dresser. And your cousin’s balls are in another jar on my other dresser.” Then the other tumors would all be like “Don’t fuck with him Essey, he’s fucking loco.” Because I’m pretty sure that all tumors talk with a Mexican accent.

 

That night, while still worried about Luke, we took Pablo Escobar for a walk and got caught up in a flash shitstorm. It was exceptionally dark and we were just passing one of the beach restaurants when we noticed 3 things simultaneously; (1) a weird gurgling that seemed to be coming from the earth itself- like Britney Spears had burrowed down into the ground like some kind of gangly hobgoblin, to smoke up my meth farm and got all gurgly and pukey (probably because my meth was rotten because I suck at meth farming) like that chick from The Ring, (2) that we seemed to be walking through inches of mud; weird since it hadn’t rained in a week, and (3) WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS THAT FUCKING SMELL???

.

I needed a win. Badly.

 

Just as the shocking and horrifying truth started to sink in, Britney changed DVD’s and went all exorcist and begun spitting large chunks of shit, shit flavored water, and piss flavored shitwater at our legs and torsos. In those last few seconds as the broken sewer line/meth-ed out, demon possessed Britney spewed out the contents of the underworld, I glanced down at The Puppy and she wore an expression of rapturous bliss. Like Mitch McConnell might look while eating a pint of Cherry Garcia while being blown by Harry Reid while congress repealed health care and the blue states burned.

 

While Karen ran home, I ran to a nearby, random house with a visible hose and went all mean prison guard in Rambo on myself and the dog, violently hosing away the gross. Karen had thrown away her shoes, her only shoes, before coming home so as soon as I got home I had to run out and buy her flip flops.

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Brit leaving my house. Maybe I don't suck at meth farming after all.

 

 

While I was gone and Karen was in the shower, The Puppy, still wet from her hosing and still euphoric from the unique high of human feces, chewed up a God damn library book. The one I was reading. The one I’m now going to have to replace at full retail value. I only had a one chapter left. The dog only chewed one chapter, the last one. And even though it wasn’t that great a read, my personality being what it is, I’m going to have to borrow it again just so I can read the predictable ending that I know is coming. So I’m going to have to borrow a book, that I actually bought, from people who will likely be all judgey and superior even though, technically, I pay their salary. Or will when they start taxing meth farming.         

 

Update: Since I wrote this post things are bouncing back to awesome again. An old, old, old, (he’s really old) friend of mine, Ricky Martinelli sent me a shirt that is so full of Win I don’t think I’ll ever lose at anything again. Not even *New* Risk, or as the press likes to call it; The Mexican Drug War. 

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I got a win!

 

I know one thing; I’m never again going to tempt Morgan Freeman and Jerry Bruckenheimer. I think they re-did the Job bet thing. Staring me. That’s ok though because I fucking Won.   

 

Duh.

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March 20, 2011 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , ,

43 Comments »

  1. First agin! I told you to expect the worst, but not even I imagined shit like that! UUUggghhh. How’s the dog doing? (And X-rays are not ex-rays, only old partners do the latter!)

    Comment by Dave Hambidge | March 20, 2011 | Reply

    • Luca Brasi is like a new dog, happy and healthy. That thing comprised around 20% of his body weight.

      Thanks Dave!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 20, 2011 | Reply

  2. Glad your doggie is doing well. As for the shit-storm and Kirstie’s excess vagina (or any) skin….oy vey.

    But what really astounds me is a woman with only one pair of shoes??? That distrupts the natural order of the world as we know it. Was she influenced by the Mayan 2012 calendar expectations of the rapture?

    Comment by Danny | March 20, 2011 | Reply

    • Well, you have to remember that we had just moved from Spain. We have the vast majority of our stuff coming in boxes. We only took the bare minimum on the flight since we already had to travel with three animals.

      Now, two weeks later, and she’s up to four pair. The boxes will be here any day now as well.

      Thanks Danny!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 20, 2011 | Reply

  3. Well, considering your dog isn’t dying, I’d definitely say you’re winning! As for the sewage, I’d probably have died then and there. If I wasn’t lucky enough to die then and there, I’d probably die sooner or later from the terror I’d caught some dread disease. Ugh, ugh, ugh. I cracked up though thinking of Puppy looking happy.
    As for the book, I know how it is. It doesn’t matter how bad a book sucks, I.must.finish.it. What was the book if you don’t mind saying?
    As always a great post, super A+++! And A+++ to your shirt, man. It’s you, definitely you!

    Comment by Lisa | March 20, 2011 | Reply

    • Yea, the dog not dying was a huge win. Honestly, we both thought he was as good as dead and even shed a few (hundred) tears. But now, he’s like a brand new dog, totally healthy and happy.

      The book was The Burning Wire by Deaver. I do like me some Lincoln Rhyme but they are starting to get too predictable.

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 21, 2011 | Reply

  4. I think a better shirt for you is “Scott is Whining” or better yet “Scott is Wining” (b/c it will take alot of booze to forget the stench of human crap on you.

    Comment by Bearman | March 20, 2011 | Reply

    • Tomato juice. Tomato juice and celery sticks have washed the stench right off of me.

      Thanks Bearman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 21, 2011 | Reply

  5. Don’t rest until you find out who broke that sewer. My prime suspect would be the angry rat that’s been living in Kirstie Alley’s vagina. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t do the same thing in its position.

    Comment by Gorilla Bananas | March 20, 2011 | Reply

    • Haha this was brilliant!

      I would do anything less than eating myself out of there.

      Thanks Gorilla Bananas!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 21, 2011 | Reply

  6. Several things. First, you were well and truly “literally” hit. Second, it’s clear that returning to the US, and being shit at and hit, hasn’t blunted your talents. The Mitch McConnel sentence to describe your puppy’s bliss is classic. Third, I betcha didn’t think you were relocating to the Third World!

    Comment by Thomas Stazyk | March 20, 2011 | Reply

    • I’m glad that you noticed. That was one of my all time favorite sentences.

      The third world is right. In the two weeks before we got back, three cops have been shot in three different instances. These streets are getting serious.

      Thanks Thomas!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 21, 2011 | Reply

  7. I started obsessing about you having two dressers. Have you got two wardrobes as well?

    Comment by nursemyra | March 20, 2011 | Reply

    • Good, then that means that we are obsessing about each other!

      Two dressers but no wardrobes. We still have to get a handle on our furniture situation.

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 21, 2011 | Reply

      • you can hang your trousers in my wardrobe Scott

        Comment by nursemyra | March 24, 2011 | Reply

  8. Well at least the dog is going to be okay. The rest of the stuff was pretty crappy.

    But, the shirt is sweeeeeeeet.

    And yes, people do still say “sweet.”

    Comment by Jay | March 21, 2011 | Reply

    • Thank God too. I think Karen may have still killed me just out of spite.

      I still say sweet as well.

      Thanks Jay!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 21, 2011 | Reply

  9. So relieved to hear that the 9 year old is now tumour-free. It’s a shame you weren’t standing on a hot springs geyser, as that would have cleansed the skin as well as giving you a hell of a surprise. Grinning!

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | March 21, 2011 | Reply

    • Now that you mention it, that’s a great idea for a new spa treatment for the filthy rich and eccentric. They’d pay out their eyeballs for such luxury!

      Thanks Mitzi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 21, 2011 | Reply

  10. PS great description of Steve Sanders in all his permed, mulleted glory.

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | March 21, 2011 | Reply

    • That’s really his name! He must taken so much shit when he was younger.

      Thanks Mitzi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 21, 2011 | Reply

  11. It seems odd that you would have to return to the United States to stumble across a broken sewer line. I always thought that was the one of the main draws of various Third World countries. (I.E., anywhere that isn’t the USofA.)

    Literal shit aside, I’m glad your dog is ok and that your vet now realizes he’s throwing away his life saving animals and nurturing his condescension towards foreign countries. Did he ask you if you smoke? It seems like everyone with with some sort of medical degree (legitimate or not) is asking that question? Why the hell would a podiatrist need to know that?

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | March 21, 2011 | Reply

    • I know it. And they’ve been killing cops here as well. It’s like all the danger of the Mexican border with just as many drugs but not as cheap.

      He didn’t. I think he was afraid of what I might say about his brief affair with Tiffany Amber Thiessen. I would know exactly what you mean but where I just came from the doctors still smoked while they gave you a shot of whiskey before blood letting.

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 21, 2011 | Reply

  12. I’m glad Luca’s surgery went well! I hope things don’t take any more bad turns.

    Comment by thoughtsappear | March 21, 2011 | Reply

    • Thanks, it’s all going to be gravy now. (I just made some!)

      Thanks Thoughts Appear!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 21, 2011 | Reply

  13. I am so glad that Luca is doing well. Glad that you still can make a good post out of a horrifying situation. I could just imagine the look of ‘rapturous bliss’ on puppy’s face!

    Comment by Reb | March 21, 2011 | Reply

    • The Puppy was definitely in her element. The smells must have been electrifying to her!

      Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 22, 2011 | Reply

  14. Holy Crap! I don’t think I can top that [pauses to imagine most horrific experiences ever…] Nope. One of my rare (amen) encounters with feces run amok was watching a turd float through Antelope canyon on the Navajo Res. (Although, I did feel compelled to take a long shower after that one…)

    Glad Luca is doing okay. Bummer about the library book. I haven’t had a dog eat one, but have, on occasion, dropped them into the bathtub – then they get all “accordion” and I have to iron them before I can take them back.

    Comment by Desert Rat | March 22, 2011 | Reply

    • Yea, feces run amok is some serious, unfunny… shit fo sho. I’m always surprised by the horrific smell. Why would it smell so bad? You’d think we were sulfur ingesting aliens or something.

      I’ve done that so many times. In the bathtub (nice visual BTW) in the pool, high tide, flash rainstorm… flash flood. Literature tends to suffer under my careless watch. Literally and proverbially.

      Thanks Desert Rat!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 23, 2011 | Reply

  15. Shit happens but it suppose to be yours not someone elses.
    Glad to hear Luca lives.

    Comment by frigginloon | March 23, 2011 | Reply

    • Exactly!

      Now, forget the gun, grab the canollis. Let’s go.

      Thanks Loon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 23, 2011 | Reply

  16. glad to hear your dog made it.
    Tempting bad karma, well when you upset ol’ Jerry.
    You’d better prepare yourself because the earth crust will destabilise. lol

    Comment by Artswebshow | March 23, 2011 | Reply

    • I think it already did if what happened in Japan is any indication.

      Thanks Artswebshow!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 23, 2011 | Reply

  17. fucking Spanish vets and their bullshit about fatty tissue
    it takes a real American to know a tumor
    we can smell them
    I’m glad the pup is better

    I have this wonderful image of you running out after surviving a shit storm to get Karen flip-flops
    I find that so romantic

    You are so winning

    Comment by dianne | March 23, 2011 | Reply

    • I’d imagine that they smell like rotten mayonnaise. Or maybe that’s just what they look like. I just made myself a little nauseous.

      I ended up getting her some pink ones with a sexy strap too but I haven’t seen they perched over my ears yet so I’ll have to let you know!

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 24, 2011 | Reply

  18. My dog had one of those tumors. Scary. So glad that Luca is okay. We didn’t get to keep the tumor either, but that would have been bad-ass.

    Comment by Amy | March 23, 2011 | Reply

    • I talk all big but in reality if I would have got to keep it I probably would have thrown up every time I walked by it. Because I’m hard core like that.

      Thanks Amy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 24, 2011 | Reply

  19. Makes you wonder why your dog would only destroy the last chapter. What was it that he didn’t want you to read?

    Comment by The Good Greatsby | March 25, 2011 | Reply

    • I’m telling you! There must be a conspiracy afoot.

      Thanks TGG!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 27, 2011 | Reply

  20. you are one in a million…why just the last chapter….had someone borrow a book from me they said their cat peed on it…stranger things have happened….LOVE THE SHIRT..gotta get some made up…long live the demi god that is charlie sheen…zman sends

    Comment by zmanowner | March 26, 2011 | Reply

    • Stranger things continue to happen to me every day! Mi vida loca my brother.

      He is worthy of our worship. All hail Charlie!

      Thanks ZMan!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | March 27, 2011 | Reply

  21. You are so bad, talking about Kirstie Alley’s vajayjay like that! Are you rootin’ for her on Dancing with the Stars?

    Comment by gazingatnavels | April 3, 2011 | Reply


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