Zodi’s Blog

Interview with the Gypsy

I apologize for the repost but this is one of my favorites of all time. And this is new to some of you anyway. And for those of you loyalists who have read this before, consider this a reward for sticking with me for all these years. Next time I’ll buy you Isotoners. I’ve been slacking off lately due to a *found* bushel of opium. (I didn’t know it came in bushel form either until last month.) Starting this week though, I’m rededicating myself to writing while beginning a long and arduous detox.

So enjoy this Crazy Ass Gypsy Post…  

 

Part I

 

I met her on a narrow winding street surrounded by tidy whitewashed homes, but there was nothing tidy, narrow, or white-washed about this woman.

I’ve done it! Through persistence, 8 cardboard boxes of wine, 1 pack of roll up cigarettes, 7 euros, and an old pair of boxer shorts I was finally able to begin to chronicle the Gypsy life. For the purposes of simplicity and duplicity I have translated this interview from its original format of her speaking broken English and me speaking broken Spanish to something resembling coherence. So now, in the proud tradition of Frost/Nixon, Larry King/Tony Blair, Howard Stern/Crackhead Bob; I give to you….. Oglesby/Crazy Ass Gypsy Lady…..

G.L.- Do you got a cigarette?

Me- Yea, I’ll buy you a pack of roll ups if you talk to me for a minute.

G.L.- I want to drink something too then. And not no goddamn water.

Me- Ok, I’ll buy you a box of wine.

At this point there was much celebrating in the form of hand kissing, dancing, and suggestive hip thrusts. After I bought her the wine I pulled out my camera to get her photo…

G.L.- Oooh, oooh, shiny thing, give me, give me??

Me- No, get off of me. Stand back there, I want to take your picture.

G.L.- Can I have a euro?

Me- Yes, now stand still and get your hands out of your pants.

blog pics 193                                                                                                                                                                   

After capturing her image on the ‘evil shiny soul catcher,’ we found a nice spot in the park for me to sit down and type, and for her to endlessly pace, smoke, drink, shoot-up some smack, smoke some crack, and scream insults at passing tourists. After I was able to calm her with another euro, we began again.

Me- Can you please state your name for the record

G.L.- Blearaphariemooshhhhhhh.

Me- Ok, I’ll just call you Crazy Ass Gypsy Lady, or G.L. for short. Ok?

G.L.- Buy me more wine?

Me- In a little while.

G.L.- You Goddamned mother fucker.… yes yes.

Me- How old are you?

G.L.- 29.

Me- What? You can’t be.

G.L.- Coke miles ain’t easy miles, white boy.

Me- I guess we’ll skip the personal information for now. Can you tell me anything interesting?

G.L.- I’m the hottest bitch on the block white boy, wanna fuck?……….. Hey, why are you throwing up and stabbing at your eyes and poking sticks into your ears? Are you ok? Do you need some brown mother fucker?

Me- No, no (calming down) I’m fine, I just must have eaten something.

G.L.- Oh yea, that happens to me everyday. I thought I was funny.

Me- What can you tell me about Gypsies? Do you have any family legends or lore?

G.L- Well, one legend states that we were forever cursed because we made Christ’s crucifixion nails. But that’s a load of horseshit! The truth is that we stole one of the four nails that were used to crucify him.

Me- Wait are you saying that you are a 2000 year old vampire?

G.L.- What are you, fucked up? You’re in the wrong ‘Interview.’ Stay with me here white boy!

Me- Sorry.

G.L.- That’s why Christ had both feet stuck with one nail. The truth is we didn’t do it out of mercy; the nails were made out of olive wood, which were really handy for stabbing relatives back then. Anyway, because we spared Christ that one painful nail, God bestowed upon us the blessed ability to be the best thieves in the world.

Me- But you always get caught. Old, half blind, drunken shop owners have kicked you out of every store in Europe.

G.L- Fuck you white boy. Buy me some wine. Please mother fucker?

Me- After one more tale.

G.L.- This wine is getting my womanly juices flowing!

Me- I’ll give you a euro if you just tell me why the Bulgarians have a country and a church and you don’t?

G.L.- Hell yea! At one time there was a country in which the Bulgarians and the Gypsies lived. The Bulgarians built a church and the gypsies built another one. The Bulgarians made their church out of gold. We made our church out of cheese. Time passed. The gypsies were wandering incessantly, and hunger gripped us. We did not have anything to eat…. so we began to eat the church. One Gypsy took a slice, and then another… We ended up without a church. For that reason we do not have church, because we ate it. The Bulgarians have one, but we don’t. We do not have a state either. We do not have anything.

Me- Ooh don’t forget your God bestowed talent for thievery.

G.L.- Fuck you.

Me.- No really, you guys are like Satan. The greatest trick you ever pulled was making the world think you didn’t steal.

G.L.- Fuck you, I’m getting mad.

Me- Cause nobody would ever think that a gypsy would steal anything. I’ll bet the shop owners ask you to lock up for them every night huh? Cause you guys are so trustworthy and all?

After she pulled out a knife I changed the subject back to the cheesy church.

Me- Wait, you made a church out of cheese?

G.L.- We’ve always been a bit eccentric. We like cheese, plus we like to horde shit. This was like stabbing two relatives with one knife. Smart huh?

Me- What kind of church was it? Romano Catholic? Christ of the Ubriaco? Saint Paulin? Protestant Pepper Jack? Anglican Acorn? I’ll bet the Marble marble Saints kept the Munster out! Jajajajaja. You guys should have made it out of Swiss; then it would have been really holy.

G.L.- You are seriously a fucking idiot. My IQ is like 48, I’m strung out on smack, I’m drunk; and I still know how lame you are. What’s next in your comedic repartee, knock knock jokes? Jackass.

Me- Uh, sorry. Do you want to finish this tomorrow?

G.L.- Yea, because you suck. Buy me some wine. Mother fucker.

The End

If you enjoyed this and want to read Part II, you can do so here.

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April 3, 2011 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , ,

36 Comments »

  1. Did you really talk to that woman (with a few embellishments)?
    I’ve read it before, but it indeed is a classic. Is the gypsy rose thing true?
    I miss seeing you around,
    Lisa

    Comment by Lisa | April 3, 2011 | Reply

    • Oh yea, I really did. I even bought her wine and cigs. I work for my art baby! And yea, that’s totally true as well.

      Thanks Lisa!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 4, 2011 | Reply

  2. What amazes me is there are aggressive gypsys all around the eiffel tower yet the group that the police are constantly chasing off are the Nigerians selling trinkets. At least they are making an attempt to sell you something.

    Comment by Bearman | April 3, 2011 | Reply

    • Yea, I agree that it is weird. I guess it comes down to their licensing laws. They wouldn’t want a ‘business’ to be getting over on the French government or anything.

      Thanks Bearman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 4, 2011 | Reply

  3. This is my first reading of this post. I laughed out loud from “like stabbing two relatives with one knife”. Thanks for the laughs.

    Comment by gazingatnavels | April 3, 2011 | Reply

    • They really loved that game too. While I was there they had four knife fights.

      Thanks Gazingatnavels!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 4, 2011 | Reply

  4. I “do” consider this a piece of candy. Thanks! When I first found your blog (please don’t ask me when that was, it was back there some time long ago in the dusty lower regions of my brain), I snooped around and found this gem that very first day. It was like a tootsie pop, long lasting. I’ve been craving gypsy since!

    Comment by Micky-T | April 3, 2011 | Reply

    • I like my ‘work’ being compared to a Tootsie Pop. It beats the hell out of comparing it to embalming fluid like some people do. I’ll see if I can figure out a way to bring you a little more Gypsy then.

      Thanks Micky!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 4, 2011 | Reply

  5. Damn, her face is so familiar! Is she related to Mel Brooks?

    Comment by Gorilla Bananas | April 3, 2011 | Reply

    • That’s a good question. I’ll have to buy a few rocks and get that out of her.

      Thanks GB!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 4, 2011 | Reply

  6. I enjoyed this again…and figured out this time that she looks like a former tenant!

    Comment by Reb | April 3, 2011 | Reply

    • It is possible. They do move around like crazy.

      Thanks Reb!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 4, 2011 | Reply

  7. Your reruns are more entertaining than a lot of people’s first-runs, so no forgiveness necessary.
    You gonna interview any of the local talent in St. Pete? Good way to use up any of your left over euros.

    Comment by Amy | April 3, 2011 | Reply

    • I appreciate the compliment, especially coming from you!

      That’s a fantastic idea. The local homeless pop is generally more interesting than two episodes of Jerry Springer mixed with three episodes of Cops.

      Thanks Amy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 4, 2011 | Reply

  8. Disturbing, unsettling and hilarious all at the same time. Wow!

    Comment by Mitzi G Burger | April 4, 2011 | Reply

    • That is a trifecta that I can live with!

      Thanks Mitzi!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 4, 2011 | Reply

  9. This is what people call a “classic.” I’ve never show any hesitancy to trot out the old material during my downtime, so I’d just have to say that no apology is necessary. The photo still haunts me but with this refresher, at least it’s a fresh haunting.

    P.S. I had no idea it came in bushel form, either. I guess I’ve really only seen the packaged product before. I guess it’s tough to see the actual bushels when they’re on fire and surrounded by smug DEA agents.

    Comment by Capitalist Lion Tamer | April 4, 2011 | Reply

    • Thanks for the branding advice, I needed it. She’s still haunting the village of Cadiar. She’s actually become a paid whore since right before I left. She doesn’t demand much money but she does get around 5 Euros from the old farmers. –There’s no punch line because I’m dead serious.

      Those God damn DEA agents are a scourge upon this land. I won’t be happy until the very memory of that organization is eradicated from the Country’s collective consciousness.

      Thanks CLT!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 4, 2011 | Reply

  10. When I was just a lad of say, younger than my older sister, I used to watch the same western over and over. One of the good guys went over a cliff and was killed. My mom asked my why I kept watching it. I said maybe this time he wont go over the cliff.

    Now, in no way am I implying reading a classic post involves going over a cliff, but in post duo, if the Gypsy like, tripped over a poorly placed cigarette butt, well, I’m just saying. A little bruising goes a long way. Plus, It’d give me a reason to read it a couple times more.

    Comment by jammer5 | April 4, 2011 | Reply

    • Ha, I used to do the same thing wanting Shane to never leave and Old Yeller to never die. It’s a good practice really. Teaches something about the power of positive thinking or some such.

      If I could do it all over again the only difference would have been that I would have been willing to accept some of her smackdaddy. Who new South Florida would be so dry.

      Thanks Jammer!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 6, 2011 | Reply

  11. With a cool story like that.
    Feel free to re-post iy

    Comment by Artswebshow | April 5, 2011 | Reply

    • Glad you enjoyed it.

      Thanks Artswebshow!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 6, 2011 | Reply

  12. “Protestant Pepper Jack” made me laugh

    Comment by nursemyra | April 5, 2011 | Reply

    • It does sound good if maybe a little bland.

      Thanks Nursemyra!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 6, 2011 | Reply

  13. she’s even more wonderful the second time around

    bushels? really?
    did they have it at Costco?

    Comment by dianne | April 5, 2011 | Reply

    • Bushels! Super Wal Mart but you need a script from a giant.

      Thanks Dianne!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 6, 2011 | Reply

  14. Gypsies you gotta love them. When I was traveling through Europe I had a car full of Prince’s biscuits and every time they asked for money, because they were “hungry” ,I shoved a packet into their hands. Needless to say I never got rid of one packet! Blahahaha even the hungry won’t eat them!!!!

    Comment by frigginloon | April 7, 2011 | Reply

    • The Gypsies by us, in Cadiar, cut out the middle man as far as food went and stole it themselves. They usually were hungry. They’d even dig up rotting carcasses and boil that to eat. Never got sick, that I know of, either. They must have some iron stomachs or some good narcotics.

      Thanks Loon!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 9, 2011 | Reply

  15. I hope this lady really was 29, sad but kind of hilarious.

    Comment by The Good Greatsby | April 7, 2011 | Reply

    • I’m guessing that she embellished just a bit.

      Thanks Greatsby!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 9, 2011 | Reply

  16. Scott, you crack me up and I can so relate to you. I could comment in depth here, but I’m afraid that (my) teens may be able to track me down online. Suffice it to say that everything I did was in some bushel form or another but it was never *found* (I bought that shit). The interview sounded like one of many I had with my psychiatric patients over the years. We have so much in common, Scott…it’s spooky.

    Comment by elizabeth3hersh | April 8, 2011 | Reply

    • I know, I’m terrified of my daughter finding most of this stuff. And she does look. What she would need to understand, hypothetically speaking of course, is that I’m JOKING about everything even remotely bad.

      Now that I’m stateside we absolutely have to put our common minds together and meet up. We do live right on the water here so you would be happy visiting, or it’ll be the next time I’m in Sin City!

      Thanks Elizabeth!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 9, 2011 | Reply

  17. Holy shit!! Gypsy lady is my hero!!!

    Comment by Candy | April 9, 2011 | Reply

    • She’s a hero to us all Candy!

      Thanks Candy!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 9, 2011 | Reply

  18. Scott

    LOL…This post is like an old scotch….just gets better with age…zman sends

    Comment by zmanowner | April 9, 2011 | Reply

    • The best analogy all week!

      Thanks Zman!!

      Comment by Scott Oglesby | April 10, 2011 | Reply


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